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COMPLETE: The Harbour Inn of Canalave City (A Cherish the Moments One-Shot [PG-13])

TPJerematic

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Welcome to this One-Shot, I'm glad that you have decided to give it a read.


This One-Shot is (obviously) wholly based on the Member Card event within Pokemon DPPt. I have taken the event and built a story around it.


So I hope you enjoy reading this twist on the event.


If after reading it you could be so kind as to leave a comment telling me what you thought of the story it would be much appreciated.


N.B. This fic IS canonical to Cherish The Moments and is set AFTER the main storyline finishes. However the only spoiler shouldn't be much to those who have been reading Cherish the Moments inc. Chapter 10


DISCLAIMER: POKÉMON IS NOT MINE; THIS STORY IS. I AM ALLOWED TO USE POKÉMON AS LONG I SAY THAT THEY BELONG TO NINTENDO/GAME FREAK, HOWEVER THE STORY, CHARATERS AND ACTOPON REGION BELONG TO ME.





The Harbour Inn of Canalave City


Stephen sat on one of the couches that lined the walls of the Canalave City Pokémon Centre, staring up at the ceiling. He was in the city as part of a conference being held where all the gym leaders and elite four from each region came together to discuss rules and make speeches about their efforts and research if they had been undertaking any. Stephen was one of the unfortunate ones who had been asked to make a speech during the 10 days of the conference. When he replied that he had nothing to talk about all he got was a shrug and told to think of something.

I really don’t want to use those four for the material for my speech thing. Stephen moaned to himself as he counted the tiles on the ceiling. I wish Jessica was here with me. She would be able to do one on the development of Human-Pokémon interaction through telepathic communication of non-psychic capable Pokémon. Stephen sighed and closed his eyes. That was why she dodged the conference; she was busy with some experiments with Borealis. Stephen gave another, much longer and wistful, sigh as he thought of his best friend and lover, along with one of the few Pokémon Stephen could truly interact with on a deep emotional level. Helped along with the fact that Jessica was a Gardevoir.

Stephen’s hand drifted towards his belt and the two Cherish Balls that were connected to it. Ever since he had received the legendary Pokémon from the Actopon League he had grow attached to them. While he avoided using them in the Möbius gym, Stephen still loved to battle with them and they too loved the thrill of battle. Stephen gently cupped one of the Cherish Balls, pulling it off his belt. There was a sticker on the top of the ball with faded writing, 491, Darkrai - Razgriz. A smile came to Stephen’s face as he thought of the times he had spent with his Razgriz.

He was brought out of his reminiscing with a jolt. A little Pichu had clambered onto his knee and was giving him tiny little shocks, a look of worry on its little face. Stephen shuddered to relax his muscles from the electric shocks and smiled at the Pichu, who chirped and jumped up at down, happy with itself of a job well done. A young girl, no older than fourteen, ran up to Stephen loudly apologising as she ran.

“I’m so very sorry mister.” The girl looked down at the floor panting as she tried to regain her breath. The Pichu saw this and the look of worry returned to its face. With a quick leap the Pichu landed in the girl’s hair, tangling itself in the long straight blond strands with its small pink cheeks twitching and sparking. Seconds later there was a bright yellow glow accompanied with the Pichu crying out as it squeezed every last drop of energy it had into the shock and the girl screaming in pain.

The shock ended as quickly as it began, leaving the girl on the floor twitching, the Pichu dizzily walking around as it recovered from the shock it had given itself and everyone else in the Pokémon Centre staring at the spectacle. Stephen stood up from the couch and helped the girl to her feet.

“Are you okay?” Stephen asked, brushing the strands of hair that had fallen onto the girls face out of the way.

“Buh .... Er ... yes th ... ... th ... ... thank you.” The girl’s speech was stuttered and broken as last of the electricity dissipated from her body. “Thank you mister ...” as soon as the girl had recovered enough to speak she stopped, her mouth ajar. After a couple of seconds the look of shock turned into a look of a classic fan-girl. “OhMyGod Mister Warren HI.” The girl’s voice went up an octave, not high pitched enough to hurt but annoyingly high. “I am a HUGE fan of yours, I’m so glad that I found you.” Stephen sheepishly smiled as the girl went on a rant of sorts. “See I’m from Sunyshore City and I’ve been training for the Sinnoh League but I really want to go to Actopon and challenge the gyms there, especially the Möbius gym. I really like your style of battling along with that Gardevoir, and would love to challenge you but I haven’t got enough money so I’m training here in Canalave so I might be able to get enough for the ferry to ...” Stephen brought a finger to the girl’s mouth while making a shushing noise.

“Okay I get it but could you please just do two things: one lower the pitch and two slow down.” Stephen spoke softly and calmly with a smile on his face.

“I’m sorry Mister Warren, it’s just that I’m really excited.” The girl slowed down and took a deep breath. “It’s just that I was in the Pokémart a few minutes ago and there was this weird looking guy in a green suit looking for you.” Stephen raised an eyebrow. “So that meant I knew you were in the city and I went to look for you to help the guy and to meet you. But my Pichu found you first.”

“Well thank you; I’ll go see what his guy wants.” Stephen started to walk off when the girl piped up.

“If you don’t mind could I have your autograph please.” The girl was nervous and glanced around while waiting for Stephen’s reply. He dropped his bag onto one shoulder and rummaged around inside for his marker pen. The girl gave him her Pokédex onto the top of which Stephen scribbled his signature. While the girl ran off holding the Pokédex up to show her friends who had gathered, Stephen sighed and left the Pokémon Centre.


***


The Pokémart was a five minute walk from the Pokémon Centre, the bright blue roof of the building didn’t stand out for once. Many of the houses in Canalave had blue wooden roofs, as part of the cities ties to the sea. Stephen walked up the frosted glass door of the Pokémart, taking care to let it side open before walking into the building.

The door closed behind Stephen with a soft whirr, followed by the music that all Pokémart stores had playing filling his ears. The Pokémart was bustling with the usual sort of transactions; trainers buying a variety of goods to help them on their journeys. Stephen walked up to the tills to find out where this odd man was when he was jumped.

“Hello Mister Warren!” The man spoke with an overbearingly cheery voice. “It is good that you have arrived here. I have been ordered to deliver this package to you.” The delivery man handed Stephen a small brown paper package, no bigger than postcard and about a centimetre thick. “Thank you, I hope you have a good day.” With that the green suited delivery man walked off, leaving Stephen standing staring at the mysterious package.


***


Stephen sat down on a bench outside of the Pokémon Centre, overlooking the Canalave harbour. He held the small package in his hands analysing what little he could. It wasn’t especially heavy, but was stiff. There was a bump where some sort of string and knot was attached to the item.

“To Mister S. Warren of Redux City Actopon Region, care of Canalave City Pokémart.” Stephen whispered to himself as he read the address, it was written in an odd style. Very elegant, yet crude at the same time, as if written by someone who had just learned how to write and had spent a lot of effort trying to make the writing look as good as possible. “What the sweet hell is this about.” Stephen continued to whisper to himself before shrugging and tearing into the paper.

A small wooden card of sorts fell out of the package, it had a hole in one end attached to which was a thin rope with a Pokéball style clasp. The card had grooves and slots cut into it so that it resembled a key. There was a picture of a house by the sea and some faded text. “Canalave Harbour Inn” Stephen continued to whisper to himself, not noticing the odd looks he was getting from the woman with her Psyduck sitting next to him. Below the faded text there were scratched markings that seemed to look similar to a date. “One ... Nine ... er ... something ... Four? ... Yeah four ...” Stephen tried to read the date written but the scratches had worn so much they were barely visible.

“Excuse me are you ok.” The woman asked causing Stephen to jump.

“Yes sorry.” Stephen blushed a little as he realised what he had been doing.

“May I ask what you have there?” the woman asked pointing at the card.

“Sure, but to be honest I don’t know what it is.” Stephen handed the woman the card, as her Psyduck waddled up to Stephen, holding its head in its hands and giving a slow moan. Stephen scratched the top of the Psyduck’s head, causing it to sigh and relax a little.

“Well I never.” The woman spoke up, “This is a rare sight.” Stephen quizzically looked on hoping for more information.

“Do you know what it is?” Stephen asked, pressing for some answers.

“Not a clue.” The woman replied with a laugh. Stephen’s head drooped and he gave a slight laugh. “But I do know where it came from.” Stephen’s ears perked up, “It came from that building over there.” Stephen looked up to see the woman leaning over the bench, pointing at a small building hidden behind the Pokémon Centre. “That is the old Harbour Inn, but it’s been abandoned for as long as I can remember.” The woman turned back around to and gave Stephen the card back. “Sorry I can’t be of any more help.”

“That’s ok. At least I know where this thing came from. Thank you.” Stephen stood up and shook the woman’s hand, before turning and crouching down to the Psyduck’s level. “And bye-bye to you too ikkle duckie.” Stephen stood back up and walked towards the Harbour Inn.


***


What a dull little building. Stephen stood in front of the Harbour Inn; the facade had seen better days, the paint was peeling off the walls and the door, the roof tiles were covered in moss and bird nests. Stephen reached for the door handle only to find there was nothing but a rusted metal stub. Even the handle is broken. Stephen sighed and walked over to the window. It was covered in filth, not that it would have mattered if it hadn’t been the inside of the Inn was pitch black.

Stephen was about to leave when something on the door caught his eye. It was a small thin metal panel, however unlike the rest of the metal on the door it was in perfect condition. Upon closer inspection it was a flap. Wait this is about the same size as ... Stephen pulled the wood card out of his trouser pocket and put it up against the flap and pushed. However the metal panel wouldn’t budge. Well that was anti-climatic. Stephen pulled his PokéNav out of his pocket and looked at the map screen. The next speech isn’t for three and a bit hours. I might go for a walk in the part of town south of the gym, see if there is anything there.


***


Eventually Stephen found himself on the dock front; he strolled along the waterfront enjoying the refreshing sea air. However try as he might Stephen couldn’t forget that weird card.

“I need to do something else to take my mind off it.” Stephen moaned to himself as he walked along the docks.

“Excuse me are you a trainer?” A quiet, almost frail, voice called out. Stephen looked towards the land to see a woman standing by the open window of her house. “Oh Mister Warren. You’re the Möbius Gym Leader right?” Stephen nodded and walked up to the window. “Would you mind coming inside.”

“Sure.” Stephen casually replied, before walking round to the front door which had been left open.


***


Upon entering the house Stephen saw a sight of despair, on the couch laid a young boy who was tossing and turning. Next to the boy was the woman who had asked for Stephen’s help. Stephen walked over to the mother.

“What’s going on?” Stephen asked with a slight tone of worry entering his voice.

“Dar ... Dark ... is watching ... me ...” The boy spoke up but still locked in the grips of sleep. He thrashed and cried out. In pain yet fast asleep.

“I never thought our boy would fall into this endless nightmare.” The woman explained to Stephen, “It’s happened in the past in Canalave.” The woman gave a slight shudder. “There were people who never woke up from their nightmares. That is, until they were awoken using something called the Lunar Wing.” The woman sighed and shook her head. “My husband went to find a Lunar Wing on Fullmoon Island, but he failed. Does it take a trainer to do that? We feel so frustrated by this ...”

“Okay.” Stephen stood, lost in thought. “So you need me to get this Lunar Wing?” He asked to which the woman gave a slow nod.

“Yes, my husband will be able to take you to Fullmoon Island.” The woman pointed towards the docks. “His dock is just over there. Look for the sign saying ‘Eldritch’s Shipping Service’” Stephen nodded and left the house.


***


After a couple of minutes he was back on the docks and had found Eldritch’s Shipping Service.

“Are you Sailor Eldritch?” Stephen asked the rhetorical question to get the sailor’s attention as he wistfully stared out to sea.

“Yes, once.” Eldritch replied in a gruff voice.

“I’m here to help your son.” Stephen called up to Eldritch, which immediately grabbed his attention.

“... You ... You’re going to Fullmoon Island for us?” Eldritch asked, his gruff voice barely masking his emotions.

“Yes.” Came Stephen’s simple reply.

“We’re both counting on you!” Eldritch jumped up and started to get his boat ready to go. “Only you can awaken my son from his awful nightmare. Please, I need the Lunar Wing from Fullmoon Island to awaken him!” Stephen nodded, as a slight smile returned to Eldritch’s face but quickly dissipated. “I went, but I failed to find it.” Eldritch quickly finished getting his boat ready and helped Stephen board. “Anchors aweigh!” Eldritch cheered and he heaved the single anchor back onto the boat.

“How long will the trip take?” Stephen asked as the boat slowly made its way out of Canalave Harbour.

“No more than twenty minute tops.” Eldritch replied the smile once again returning to his face. “It has been so long since I have sailed. Ever since my son fell into that nightmare and I failed to return with the Lunar Wing I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Until you offered to get it for us.” Stephen silently nodded in reply.


***

Twenty minutes later the boat arrived at a tiny spit of land far north of Canalave. Despite this the land was lush, with lots of flowers and trees filling what space they could.

“Good Luck.” Eldritch called out as Stephen hopped off the boat. “I’ll be waiting here.”

“Okay. This shouldn’t take too long.” Stephen called back. Stephen walked along the winding path through the trees; there was a sweet soothing scent in the air.

After a minute or so Stephen found himself at a small clearing, there was a mist drifting through the trees making it hard to see more than a few meters. Stephen took a step forward and heard a splash; he looked down to see he had stood in a large puddle. He followed the shape of the puddle; it was almost like a crescent moon.

Stephen walked through the puddle, as he got to the other side there was a whistling, resonant cry, coupled with the faint tingling of bells. Stephen looked up and saw a mysterious object floating down to him. With purple crescent arms and tail. A graceful body and crescent shaped face.

“Oh my ...” Stephen stood dumbfounded as the Pokémon floated to rest in front of him. “A Cresselia.” Stephen reached forward to touch the Pokémon. Only to receive another of the cry from the Pokémon, which floated up a little, flicked and disappeared, leaving a sparkling object in its place. Stephen cautiously took a step forward and picked the item up.

“This must be the Lunar Wing.” Stephen examined the item, it was an eerie shade of green and yellow and sparked when hit with light. “I had better get this back.”

Stephen hurried back to the boat where Eldritch was hopping up and down scanning the skies.

“What’s the matter?” Stephen asked as he approached the boat.

“That Pokémon you met was the Lunar Pokémon.” Eldritch excitedly explained. “I’ve heard tales of it flying from place to place throughout Sinnoh.” Eldritch noticed the Lunar Wing in Stephen’s hand sparking. “Oh! That sparkle ... So that’s the Lunar Wing. Thank you; that will wake my son from the nightmare.”

Stephen clambered in to the boat and Eldritch got it ready to leave.


***


Twenty minutes later they had docked back in Canalave city.

“That Lunar Wing ... Please! Take it to my son.” Sailor Eldritch commanded as Stephen got off the boat. Without hesitation Stephen walked towards Eldritch’s house.

Upon entering Stephen found the situation as he left it. The boy was still tossing and turning in his sleep. Stephen walked up to the boy and held out the Lunar Wing which began to glow a ghostly white. The boy’s face gradually relaxed and he stopped his thrashing around; the boy sighed and opened his eyes. At the same time the door to the house burst open and Eldritch walked in, his face lit up at the sight of his boy awake.

“Oh, my gosh! You’re awake!” Eldritch desperately tried to keep his voice down as hot tears formed in his eyes. “Oh, my son. I ... I don’t know what to say.” Eldritch turned to Stephen tears rolling down his smiling face.

“Thank you! We’ll never forget you!” Eldritch stuck his hand out; Stephen grasped the sailor’s rough hands and shook it. Eldritch turned back to talk to his son.

“Seeing you back to normal make me feel great!” The son gave a weak smile as his father gushed. “I’ve regained my spirit as a Sailor! Come sail with me later!” Eldritch ruffled his son’s hair and left, his face the epitome of joy.

“I couldn’t wake up ... I saw it ...” The boy’s voice was weak and frail as he spoke. “It was a scary dream ... It was a dark place ... And there was a dark Pokémon.” The boy looked down at the sheet. “But, Daddy, Mummy ... I could hear your voices.” Stephen smiled as the boy rested on the pillows.

“Thank you! We can’t thank you enough, but thank you!” The boy mother energetically shook Stephen’s hand.

“No problem, glad I could help.” Stephen smiled and left the house, leaving the mother and son to spend some time together.


***


Stephen walked back to the Pokémon Centre but found himself drawn to the old Harbour Inn.

What is this presence? Stephen thought as a sense of foreboding filled his mind. Why do I feel and need to go to this place. Stephen walked up to the door of the Harbour Inn and pulled out the wooden card. As soon as he put it against the metal flap it was sucked into the door. There was a sound of a lock clicking and the door swung open. Stephen pulled the card out of the door and took a step inside, the door slammed shut behind him with an almighty bang.

The inside of the Inn was completely unexpected. It’s was fully furnished and completely clean ... almost sterile. There was an eerie man standing directly in front of Stephen.

“Who are you?” Stephen asked his voice waivering slightly as he felt something ghostly touch his mind.

“... Welcome ...” the man spoke in a monotone voice broken by a sudden giggle before returning to monotone. “We’ve had a reservation for you. We’ve held it a long time.” The man led Stephen to the solitary bed. As much as Stephen tried he could stop himself from obeying. Stephen clambered in to the bed as if bidden there.

His eyes forced themselves shut against his will and he drifted off to sleep.


***


Stephen opened his eyes to find himself on a bizarre spit of land. He stood up and looked around; he could see nothing but open sea away from the island. To his right was a boat, Stephen walked towards the boat and jumped onboard. The boat was small, nothing more than a motor launch with a cabin. Stephen went to knock on the cabin door but it swung open under his touch. The cabin was empty devoid of all signs of anyone ever stepping foot in there. Stephen got out of the cabin and climbed up into the control deck. He saw the radio and flicked the on switch, but nothing happened. Stephen looked from the starter for the boat, finding the key in the ignition. Stephen turned it but nothing happened. The engine remained silent.

“Looks like the boat is useless.” Stephen spoke aloud to himself. Using his own voice to break the silence that covered the island. “Well something must be on this island.” Stephen jumped off the boat and looked around what little of the island he could see. It was eerily similar to Fullmoon Island, almost a mirror image of the shape. However unlike Fullmoon Island, this place was covered in sand with the exception of a small group of trees huddled in the centre of the island. Stephen walked along the path to the group of trees.

“There is something through here I can feel it.” Stephen muttered and walked through the foliage.

He eventually made his way though and found a crater in the middle of the trees. In the crater was a large perfectly circular puddle and floating above the puddle was...

“A Darkrai?!” Stephen shouted as he stared at the black Pokémon who looked up at Stephen with its blue eyes. Stephen carefully took a few steps forward until he was face to face with the Darkrai. “You must have been causing Eldritch’s little boy’s nightmare.”

The Darkrai slowly nodded with a slight smile on its face. For a while neither moved, as if scared by the other’s presence. Stephen felt a Cherish Ball on his belt shudder before busting open. Razgriz floated next to Stephen and glared at the Darkrai opposite.

The two Darkrai lunged at each other growling and snarling. Stephen stood back and watched as the two Pitch Black Pokémon lunged and tore at each other. Razgriz pulled back and focused an orange glowing sphere between its hands. The wild Darkrai saw this and focused before splitting up into multiple copies of itself. Razgriz hurled the orb at one of the copies which exploded into nothingness. The real wild Darkrai threw itself out of the shadows straight at Razgriz, knocking him to the floor. Razgriz swung an arm at the wild Darkrai knocking it a small distance away as he stood up.

Both Darkrai closed their eyes and formed a black swirling orb between their hands; the two instantaneously threw the orbs at each other. The orbs hit the ground and rapidly expanded, filling the crater with darkness. Stephen leapt away as the pulling darkness clawed at him trying to drag him down. Stephen’s other Cherish Ball burst open releasing Arkbird, his Togekiss, who grabbed his shirt with his claws and lifted Stephen to safety.

The two Darkrai glared at each other and the swirling black mass dragged them down. Razgriz once again focused a glowing orange sphere between his hands. The wild Darkrai prepared to double team again but was stopped and Razgriz fired the orb into the void below them, shattering it like glass. The wild Darkrai fell to the floor stunned by the shattered void. Razgriz threw another orb of orange at the wild Darkrai knocking it against the wall of the crater.

“Razgriz stop.” Stephen called out to his Darkrai, who was forming another orb. Razgriz stopped and turned to face Stephen. “Look.” Stephen pointed at the wild Darkrai who was staring up at Stephen and Razgriz with a smile on its face. It gave a slight nod before collapsing and melting away into the darkness.

“Razgriz, what was that about?” Stephen asked as he beckoned his Pokémon over and returned Arkbird. Razgriz shook his head, “You don’t know ... was the Darkrai bad?” Razgriz fervently shook his head.

He wanted to meet the one who stopped the boy’s nightmare. Darkrai explained to Stephen through his telepathy. To challenge him. Stephen nodded and held up Razgriz’s Cherish Ball. Razgriz floated over to it and pressed the button pulling himself back into the ball.

Stephen turned to leave when a voice called out.

“Darkrai... Your power is strong.” The voice boomed through the small clearing, Stephen looked around to find the source. “Though you don't will it, you make people and Pokémon around you see terrible nightmares... That is why you came here... Newmoon Island... There is no one but you here... There is none that can be drawn into your nightmare... If anyone were to fall into a nightmare, the Fullmoon Island is close by."

Stephen shuddered and ran away from the crater but found his eyes droop and he fell towards the ground.


***


Stephen jerked as he woke up, finding himself in the Harbour Inn. He took a couple of deep breaths, and looked down at his belt. Both Pokémon were still on his belt. Stephen clambered out of his bed to find the Harbour Inn in a terrible state. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls; there was the smell of mold attacking his nostrils. Everything, including the bed he had been sleeping in was covered in dust. Stephen checked himself but found he was clean, not a speck on him. Without hesitation Stephen ran out of the Harbour Inn.

As soon as he was outside Stephen gulped a great lungful of air, he heard a click as the door closed behind him locking itself. Stephen checked his pocket to find the wooden card in there. He took it out and stared at it.

Stephen saw Eldritch running over to him his eyes staring in shock.

“You’ve been asleep for a long time .. What happened to you?” Eldritch was awed by Stephen’s presence. “And what were you doing here? No one’s lived here for fifty years.”

“Wait what?!” Stephen stared back in as much a shock as Eldritch walked off shaking his head. Stephen looked down at the card in his hands.

“Twenty, Twelve, Nineteen Fifty Four ......?” Stephen stared as the scratches on the card became clear. “NINETEEN FIFTY FOUR!!!” Stephen yelled as he realised what he was looking at.


***


Stephen set up with a gasp, cold sweat clinging to his body. Stephen looked around to find himself in his bedroom in his house in Redux City. He looked at the glowing numbers of the clock next to him. “Quarter past three, damn.” Stephen wiped the cold sweat off his brow. “What was that?” Stephen looked to his other side to see Jessica sleeping soundly next to him in the bed. “It must have been a nightmare.” Stephen laid back down next to Jessica, wrapping his arms around her slight frame. “It was just a nightmare. A weird nightmare, but a nightmare none the less.” Stephen force his eyes closed and snuggled against Jessica’s warmth falling back to sleep.

Unbeknownst to him, a pair of shimmering blue eyes opened. A figure moved towards the bed where Stephen and Jessica lay. A shaft of moonlight filtered through the curtains illuminating the white flowing hair of the figure who stared at the bed, floating next to Stephen and resting on the bed behind him. Wrapping his black arms around Stephen’s chest and resting his red rimmed torso against Stephen’s shoulders and joining the human and Gardevoir in sleep.
 
Last edited:
Read it, and all I can say is "awesome".

Review of it may come later.
 
I like it... a dream of a dream.... thoes are the WORST!

Yeah.

Like i said i just wanted to see if i could put an interesting spin on the member card event ... so why not make it a dream with in a dream ...


ofcourse you know who caused it in the end :p
 
I commented in another thread that I read this. You have the dialogue down pat. I was actually shocked at the pre-ending [where Stephen finds himself back in time]. Maybe you could elaborate on that? By that I mean a spinoff, but I bet you have the entire CtM planned out already.

I liked your description of the battle on Newmoon Island. It made me feel like it was a clash of two titans.

My only gripe was punctuation.

Case in point:

I wish Jessica was here with me, she would be able to do one on the development of Human-Pokémon interaction through telepathic communication of non-psychic capable Pokémon.

Above is a comma splice. Replace the comma with a period and captialize the first letter in the next word.

While he avoided using them in the Möbius gym, Stephen still loved to battle with them and they to loved the thrill of battle.
Second "to" should be "too".

A young girl, no older than fourteen ran up to Stephen loudly apologising as she ran.

The no older than fourteen part is describing her, so comma after the number.

“I am I HUGE fan of yours, I’m so glad that I found you.”

A? Or did you mean 1?

The girl ran off holding the Pokédex up to show her friends who had gathered, Stephen sighed and left the Pokémon Centre.

suggestion: While the girl ran off holding...

With the way it is right now, it's a comma splice.

“His dock is a just over there. Look for the sign saying ‘Eldritch’s Shipping Service’”

Delete the "a".

Eldritch turned back to talk to his son

Missing a period.

Why do I feel and need to go to this place.

I get what you mean, but my head told me to tell you to replace the and with a unless it drastically changes the story.

the door slammed shut behind him with an almighty bang

Missed another period.

It’s was fully furnished and completely clean ... almost sterile.

You mean "It was fully furnished and completely clean."

waiver-ing

No dash there. Just "wavering".

The orbs hit the ground and rapidly expanded filling the crater with darkness.

Comma after expanded?

---

I liked it so far and it's pretty good. It had a nice beginning and lots of twists. I just have something to ask you: Did you use Microsoft Word to type this?
 
Thanks for reading it Nash

My Beta (read sister) is now fired and i'm getting a smack to the back of the head.

Yes this is typed on MS Word ... the newest version too ... it's grammer checking abilitys are not brilliant.

Nash said:
I commented in another thread that I read this. You have the dialogue down pat.

I was playing through the event as i wrote it to ensure the dialoge was accurate to the grammer.

I personally (i don't know about anyone else) like Eldritch's character. the gruff sailor who is depressed and lost the will to sail ... i can see the guy sitting on the bow of his ship staring out to sea lost in his thoughts desperate for his son to be free of his nightmare.


I was actually shocked at the pre-ending [where Stephen finds himself back in time]. Maybe you could elaborate on that? By that I mean a spinoff, but I bet you have the entire CtM planned out already.

It's a oneshot ... The whole event was a dream that Stephen has during the CtM storyline (Around Chapter 14-15 when the group return to Redux City) It will be referenced after a night where stephen is groggy and comments about a wierd dream and having darkrai snuggled up against him when he woke up.

Whether or not it means something for the storyline of CtM ... you'll just have to wait and see

I liked your description of the battle on Newmoon Island. It made me feel like it was a clash of two titans.

It's how i imagine two Darkrai would deal with each other.

I see them a lonely creatures who hide in their void and keep people and pokemon away with their ability to induce nightmares.

When another of their own species appears on their turf they are not going to get along ... they wish to be alone.


couple of things

Why do I feel and need to go to this place.
I get what you mean, but my head told me to tell you to replace the and with a unless it drastically changes the story.

that's sort of an good accident. It should have been 'an' but 'and' works a little better IMO

and

It’s was fully furnished and completely clean ... almost sterile.
You mean "It was fully furnished and completely clean."

Nope ... it's supposed to be creepily clean and tidy for a old disused Inn ... an illusion would not show dirt ... it would be sterile.


Anyway thanks for the read and substansial review ... the best here for sure. i change up the grammer mistakes asap

If you would like ... i don't know if you have i'm assuming yes ... please read Cherish the Moments ... your reviews would be well received by me.
 
Please note: The thread is from 14 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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