The joke thread

[Silverwynde]

One night, a woman in her late 40s has a strange dream: She's told by God himself that she will live another 50 years, 50 months, 50 weeks and 50 days. When she wakes up, she decides that since she has so much time left, she had to look her best. If she could get any body part lifted, she did. If she could get it tucked, she did. Micro-dermabrasion, Botox, whatever plastic surgery she could get, she got. So one day as she's going home from her Lasik surgery, she accidentally gets hit by a bus and dies.

So the woman now found herself in Heaven, standing before God. She was not happy. "Now look," she said hotly, "you told me I had another 50 years, 50 months, 50 weeks and 50 days! What gives?!"

God's eyes widened slightly and he said sheepishly, "Oh, that was you?! Sorry, but I couldn't recognize you."

 

[Shinx3000]

Two cigarettes are in an ash tray and one says to the other, "Does my butt look big in this?"

 

[Treemo]

How many blonde jokes are there?

Spoiler

One. The rest are all true stories.

 

[Shinx3000]

Whats black and white and read all over?

A report on Michael Jackons life, with pictures.

 

[Kthleen]

The presidents of several beer companies got together at a local pub during a convention. The bartender asked them each what they wanted.

The president of Heineken said, "I'll have a Heineken of course!"
The presidents of Budweiser, Coors, and Miller also asked for their own brands.

When the bartender got around to asking the president of Guiness, he asked for a water instead. Of course, the other presidents asked him why he didn't order a Guiness.

He replied, "Well, if the rest of you aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to have one either."

 

[Treemo]

One brunette and nine blondes were all dangling from a rope exactly 100 feet off of the ground. Finally, they came to the mutual agreement that one of them had to let go.

The blondes bickered and argued for five whole minutes until finally, the brunette said, "I'll go."

Promptly, she began a touching and detailed speech about her short and wasted life, bringing tears to the blondes' eyes. Immediately after she finished, the blondes all applauded.

 

[Dannypan]

A man walks into a bar and says 'Ow'.

 

[woops]

A really drunk guy sits at a bar table with two squirrels. they both say, "Hi." The drunk guy says, "Hey! How can either of you talk!? You're squirrels!" One replys, "You really are drunk! There's only one of me!"

 

[Pastellorama]

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Poke 'em on.

ahahahah- more pokemon jokes please XD

 

[Halberd Bravo]

ahahahah- more pokemon jokes please XD

Here's an absolutely awful one for you:

What should you do if you start missing your Pikachu while on vacation?

Send it a postcard with a Thunder Stone attached. It'll Raichu back.

 

[Pastellorama]

XD ahahaha!

What pokemon do you get if you put a parrot in the washer?
A poliwhirl!

 

[Silverwynde]

What do you call two blondes in a VW?
Farfromthinkin'. *runs before someone pitches a tomato at her*