TEEN: The Long Walk

[chaos_Leader]

Aaand we're back. Meant to do this In the review game, but Flaze beat me to it. Still, I'm not one to let a good review go to waste, so here goes.

Review: Long Walk

Ch. 25:

As a portion of a large tournament arc, I feel like this chapter does pretty well. The victory itself was not unexpected, as is pretty usual for this part of a tournament arc, but I like how this scene doesn't fall for the 'forgone conclusion boring-battle' problem that is prone to crop up at this point in an arc, leading to less attention from the reader and just wanting to get through. Instead, the battle itself showcases some problems that Eve and Josh have in their double-battle strategy, particularly Eve's reckless tendencies and lack of communication. Both during the battle and in the follow-up scene after, attention is brought to this challenge, highlighting that it really was a good spot of blind luck that turned the match around at a key point.

Haven't yet read the next couple chapters, but my foreshadowing instincts tell me that a moment might be coming up soon for Eve to really have to pull her battle tactics together. Likewise, I anticipate a moment where a counterpoint may come to play as well, where Eve/Josh might be inclined to do something ridiculous/nonsensical to throw off a particularly analytic/methodical opponent.

Also, I'm still waiting for the moment when Josh's true identity is revealed, likely pretty far in at a crucial point.


Ch. 26:
Compared to the prior chapter, I feel like this one is slightly weaker, mainly because of how it finishes (or doesn't). The opening scene is a nice little aside, recounting why the tournament means a lot to Eve.

During the battle itself, I recall a bit of reader awkwardness when essentially the peanut gallery chimes in at Eve's expense. Not quite having a sense of scale for the venue itself, I wasn't actually sure at the moment whether Eve would be able to clearly hear hecklers from the audience or not. I recall one of my thoughts at the moment being: if this is an advanced enough battle venue to have interchangeable battlefield terrain, would the audience be compact and tight enough for a trainer on the field to clearly hear jeering/heckling from individuals? From a character and narrative standpoint, I believe I understand why such a moment would be showcased, especially as something to challenge Eve and keep a level of interest. Still, the moment of hesitation in my mind was significant enough that I feel I should bring it up, since I was thinking at the moment not of the narrative intent, but something along the lines of, 'wait, would that actually work?'


Ch. 27:

I liked how this chapter opened. Rather than go straight for the continuation of where the previous scene left, we get a small snippet into Eve's mentality and relationship, then back into the battle. I appreciate how well it fit, how the final little stinger at the end swings right back into the chapter, and doesn't feel out of place as an aside like this might do. Otherwise, it's essentially a continuation of the previous chapter. A new twist added with Josh's sensitivity to psychic powers, forcing Eve to take charge of the entire team.

I'm trying to put my finger on what specifically, though it may be a combination of many elements contributing in parts, but this second battle somehow felt less tense than the previous one. While the battle before showcased some of Eve's potential issues and puts up a real meaty 'Chekhov's red flag' in a sense, it doesn't feel like it shows here. There's points where Eve has to mentally discipline herself, but it kind of feels a bit easy compared to how she didn't have a care in the world previously. Where did Eve make that pivot?

Minor Quibble: not too sure about using such sophisticated vocabulary in tense, action-packed battle scenes. References to the Sword of Damocles, while cool for us who know what it is, is great way to make a reader stumble. Even I, who did get the reference after a second of going through my own mental dictionary, found myself tripped up by some of the more colorful sophisticated vocabulary while figuring out the action. In these quick, fast-paced moments where very specific things are happening, clarity is a great thing for us readers.


All in all, it's still a strong set of chapters, so don't take these particular quibbles too harshly. These are simply some questions that popped into my head as I was reading, and 'fixing' it may simply be some subtle tweaks here and there.

 

[Beth Pavell]

@Arkadelphiak ... I'll just wait for the rewrite before responding, shall I

@Flaze - If I had known how much longer double battles would turn out to be, I doubt I would have stuck with this tourney format. The pacing isn't what I'd hoped it would be, and I suppose in some ways being limited to just two points of view doesn't help. I can't do a Haikyuu and jump into an antagonist's head for a while. I hadn't intended to give the other competitors that much screen time on the basis that I didn't want to lose focus and end up with a tourney arc as long as the previous two put together. Perhaps I should have done an interlude chapter in the style of {some rise by sin} by way of compromise.

Believe me, I want to get back to the road as well. If it's any encouragement the budget for the rest of the arc is strictly three chapters. Then it's the end of the arc, the end of Part One, and moving on from Goldenrod City.

@chaos_Leader - It's funny how I tend to get consistently different responses to the same chapters. I'm glad at least that there's a sense of tension in these battles - if nothing else I wanted a tangible sense that getting to the finals was not guaranteed.

I'll admit that business with the catcalling was part seeing how far I could push suspension of disbelief, and part not having much of a frame of reference for it. Whitney's lot are at the front I suppose but ... well, I've got no cast iron argument for it. Admittedly it should have been more of a Muppets-style exchange ...

Waldorf: You know, it's a good job she lives in a Pokémon Centre!
Statler: Why'd you say that?
Waldorf: Because that's where her pokémon are headed!
Both: Doh-ho-ho-ho-hoh!

Now, I wonder how long it'll take for someone to notice the cameo appearance in Chapter Twenty Eight ...

 

[Misfit Angel]

Sorry this took so long. I've been rereading this story in its entirety for a mega review, but since the review game has stalled and all you wanted was the prelude + chapter 1, I figure I'll share my thoughts on those since I already have them written down. Thoughts on the rest will come Soon™. Apologies if it seems brief, I'm not good at this reviewing thing.

Prelude, The Green Road into the Trees

First off, wow! I thought I was good at description, but the very first few paragraphs show me that I have a lot to learn. Not only is it painting a very detailed and vivid picture of the city that is Mulberry, it's also inspiring an epic musical theme in the depths of my mind. That doesn't happen often, so bravo! In fact, I think this first chapter gave more description for Mulberry than most fics give during their entire runs.

On that note, however, the description has forced me to open a dictionary. So many obscure words, it kinda makes me feel a little unintelligent not knowing them all already. I understand that's a staple of this story, just pointing it out.

The discussion between Josh and Graham was certainly amusing, but I found it a little difficult to follow at first, what with writing their accents. I'm assuming Scottish, or at least heavy north; a northern Yorkshire accent I can understand, but I can't understand a word of a heavy Scottish accent.

Had to look up what exactly Tafl was, but seeing in image of the board and its piece arrangements was all I needed for the description of the movements to land for me.

Overall, pretty laid back, and I feel like that's what first chapters (or a prelude in this case) should really be. Something that puts the pieces on the board, but doesn't go crazy with the movements just yet.

Chapter 1: One Who Thinks to Travel

You really like trees.

"m'lady", noooooooo. You're better than that, Josh! The sudden reveal of Evelina's first name was kind of odd, but that might be my own writing style forming some sort of bias. We knew she was a Joy, but suddenly she's Evelina with no explanation, only for that explanation to happen a few sentences later. Just seems a little odd and could be remedied with a quick change of words.

The interactions between the two were pretty fun, and a lot of that is owed to the description here as well. She's friendly, but cold and distant at the same time. Josh seems like an awkward nerd, which might be why he m'lady'd her, and it really shines in the way he talks to her. He's also friendly, but in an awkward way that she might find off-putting.

The battle was pretty decent, too. I tend to shy away from stories that use attack names like seen here, since they're usually just a back and forth of attacks and commands, but your mastery of descriptive writing really turns that around and makes it easier to both imagine and follow. I didn't have to dedicate the entirety of my imagination to the battle, your writing did it for me. Good stuff.

Other thoughts:

I've enjoyed this story over the years and it's a shame I haven't kept up with it as much as I'd like. My current reread is puttering along slowly, but it's allowing me to savor it, and I'm really enjoying it.

More thoughts will come once I'm finished with the reread and have everything in order for a MEGA REVIEW dun dun duuuuuun

 

[Persephone]

I don't have much to say here. Battle got chaotic, which I think was the point and honestly made me like it a bit more when it was hard to keep track of what was going on in the mess of switching pokemon and vision obscuring attacks. Kind of realized that's a really good way to go at multibattles.

Pineco evolution was random but, well, pineco is a hard pokemon to write for. As someone who wants had to write for it. Forretress' battles read much better. So I'll excuse that.

I liked Eve's motivation in the fight, even if I've never been entirely sure just why Josh relented to this.

Speaking of... the one thing that bugged me, and this was controversial when talking with other people but...

I'm trans. And I found myself having mounting anxiety as the arc went on because in real life "this is a slippery slope to men competing in women's sports" is a thing that I hear yelled a lot in politics to restrict the rights of trans secondary students and trans people in general. I kept getting mad at Josh in this arc for furthering that reasoning that's more or less invalid in real life and flinching in anticipation of what would happen in the real media landscape when he got revealed.

Um, back to positive things. Psychosensitivity is interesting. For most of the battle I just thought his opponent was messing with Josh's head to shut down the opposing tactician. In the process, I figured she'd uncover the truth and set up a dilemma where they could file a complaint about the attack and get outed as cheaters themselves or leave things be and let a dirty competitor prosper, albeit with their own dignity intact. Little disappointed that's not how it worked out, lol, since it would've resolved the plot without being either a crushing and unquestionable loss or getting Josh raked through the mud.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, response time, and first off a few quick responses ahead of a MEGA REVIEW

it's also inspiring an epic musical theme in the depths of my mind

Something like this, presumably. Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I just never really know how to respond to that kind of compliment. I suppose there is that mitigating factor that I've lived in Mulberry Town all my life, so to speak. It's easier to describe something when you can see the references out of a bus window. I don't think I've really exaggerated Mulberry, though it is a bit of a pastiche of several bits of the West Midlands urban sprawl.

It's probably time for me to admit defeat on the vocabulary front. I'm never really sure what words are going to end up being obscure, much as I don't like to appear to be being obscure for the sake of obscure (Mostly, I know, callipygian, omphaloskepsis).

The story behind the accents you might find interesting. Originally I wanted the Townie accent to be my own native Yam Yam (A West Midlands accent and dialect spoken in the Black Country). Here's a slightly cartoony example - that dingy pub is right out of the seventies, though as I recall these days the Hollybush is still on the dingy side - but the accent there is authentic. After beta'ing I had to admit that the attempt was a failure. Yam Yam is on the obscure side even in the UK, where it's frequently confused with Brummie (Birmingham).

So the compromise was to use elements of Northern accents with the Black Country dialect words. There is some justification for this, as Yam Yam does have elements in common with various Northern dialects. I actually do say things like "I'm a-goin' te the library later" to my dad. Josh's flicking back and forth between accents is authentic, too - to my slight horror, the other day a Yam Yam girl was surprised to hear that I am Black Country born and bred on the basis of how "well-spoken" I am. It was a job interview, so I'd automatically turned off the Yam Yam.

You really like trees.

Trees? Can't stand them, hate the wooden bastards. What did trees ever do for us No, no, Beth, you are not starting a Python routine.

Blasted typo, that's mended now. Funnily enough, the "m'lady" thing was supposed to be Josh mockingly using court language (A female judge is usually referred to as "My Lady"), but I'm quite happy with there being an alternate interpretation. Josh likes to think he's further away from high school than he really is - there's frayed threads of teenager that turn up now and again.

I'm glad the battle is better, because the original version was a bit rubbish.

Battle got chaotic, which I think was the point

Yes, often it was. I've found it can be difficult to keep the tension going with double battles if you spell out what's happening all the time - and in any case the characters wouldn't always be able to follow all the action either. It's either that or use the other option of following one "half" of the battle in detail while hinting at or ignoring what else is going on.

Pineco evolution was random but, well, pineco is a hard pokemon to write for. As someone who wants had to write for it. Forretress' battles read much better. So I'll excuse that.

Pineco was a hole I'd dug for myself. There are a lot of species like that, which ought to be unusual and interesting but just end up being a nuisance.

I haven't forgotten about the gender politics of the arc. I suspect that if I end up having lasting regrets for the Tourney, this is where they'll probably be. The whole story of the arc is, in short, a risk. I don't like to preach at my audience, which is why for the most part the questions the arc raises have been pushed into the background. You have Josh's justification - or rationalisation, if you'd prefer - to himself, and Eve hasn't really thought about it at all. Other than that I've left the reader to make up their own mind.

That being said, it does feel like something of a cheap dodge to declare I'm not preaching and leaving it at that, without at least acknowledging that there are more questions raised about gender. If no-one's noticed that Josh is biologically male, then what does that say about gender? How relevant is the Tourney in a sport where - in-universe - there's no longer any particular disadvantage to being a woman? And perhaps more importantly, what does that mean for trans people?

It's the latter question that's given me the greatest cause for doubt during the planning and writing of this arc. I do not want to look as though I'm mining it for a cheap laugh, either at the expense of trans people or crossdressers. That's why I've kept the humour good-natured, and used it where appropriate. A problem I hadn't realised before I was about half-way through the arc is that with the narrative focus on Eve, the arc runs the risk of making all this crossdressing effort (As it is in Josh's case, since he is male) look fairly easy and mostly anxiety free. I'm not sure how to resolve this, since this is Eve's arc, but it's on the list of things to look at if I come back to the arc for an edit.

Psychosensitivity ... etc

I'll admit, that is a cleverer idea than what I had in mind. I didn't consider the idea of a telepathy attack because I'd already decided it would be treated as a type of assault in-universe.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Chapter Twenty Eight – St. Elmo’s Fire (Version 1.0)

“Good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon! And welcome to Bywater Amphitheatre, this is Hassan Ali for Metro FM here with live coverage of the Tigerlily Tourney final: Evelina Joy and Melissa Evans versus Georgia Lovelace and Laura Winters. It’s a great atmosphere here today -”

Anticipation hung so thick you could have squeezed it from the air. Another crowd of ten thousand packed the stands, a sea of white t-shirts splashed with bright tigerlilies in the midst of which flags were fluttered and banners brandished. Over two thirds of them were in support of Lovelace and Winters, most of the rest in support of Eve. A few lonely banners declared for Melissa.

“- haven’t seen crowds like this since 2009 – a League Champion is always a good draw, but there’s a lot of buzz around Lovelace and Winters. You’ve got to admire their cheer squad, they’ve even managed to get them singing a Unovan anthem …”

The squad was down at the foot of the stands, making sure they were at the centre of attention. Their uniforms – of the short-shorts variety, crisp white trimmed with metallic gold – did a lot to ensure that. Most of the squad were leading the crowd in a shaky rendition of ‘O, Unova Fair’. A couple of cheerleaders supported a huge, beautifully embroidered standard proclaiming: LOVELACE WINTERS INVICTA.

“- the judicial team led by Janet Averill, a regular Goldenrod Gym referee, assistant referees Susie Taswell and Sì Qìshuĭ Yú – and here come the trainers!”

They emerged from the trainer's tunnels to a swell of crowd noise, egged on by frolicking cheerleaders, their captain in her reversed colour uniform flashing like Central Goldenrod at midnight. For once Eve was not the most exuberant girl on the field.

“There’s a real spring in Joy’s step, and who can blame her, ‘cause over four battles she’s proven Gym Badges are not everything.”

Winters was almost the least exuberant girl on the field. Unlike her ever-buoyant partner she was composed and thoroughly focused.

“Laura Winters giving the crowd a quick bow, nice bit of courtesy there, from the Tigerlily favourite with two clean sweeps from the Heats and a spec-tacular Quarter Finals victory. Last we have Melissa Evans … too shy to interview, according to Joy. Has to be said, she does tend to fade into the background.”

Melissa Evans was trying to fade into the background as the least exuberant girl on the field. Well, least exuberant apparent girl. Before the Quarter Finals battle the mood in the Amphitheatre had felt like an imminent thunderstorm. It felt like that again. It was the same feeling of pressure, that sultry sense of anticipation trying to discharge and earth itself. Thunderstorm anticipation: a mood that matched his black mood. It wasn’t just the tight jeans, the make-up, the tits – although he could hardly wait to see the last of those. That psychic migraine had given him deeply unsettling dreams last night. The details were mercifully blurry, but he’d woken that morning to slowly fading visions of a persistent golden-haired girl with a predatory glint in her eye.

He stealthily observed the sparkling cheerleaders gambolling around the sidelines with much the same kind of I-can-do-this-all-day excitement you usually see in growlithe pups. Ordinarily he’d find the naked legs and midriffs bouncing around in his peripheral vision annoying, but at least they’d be keeping the attention off him.

It didn’t seem to be working on Winters. Maybe it was anxiety talking, but he didn’t like the cool look on her face. Does she suspect I’m not Melissa? He watched her carefully from beneath the brim of his hat. She was a very dark girl, so dark she was almost literally black. She was dressed with a kind of stark dignity that drew the eye in a way that was almost intimidating. Like a Gym Leader. Gold seemed to be something of a team colour – gold beads decorated her impressive cascade of satin black braids.

“Like sexy puppies, aren’t they?” Eve commented, sizing up the cheer squad resentfully.

“Sex doesn’t win battles,” Josh murmured. He was calming his breathing down, tuning out the cheerleaders. The crowd. LOVELACE WINTERS INVICTA.

A loud clank and a shudder announced the field change. He focused on analysing the new field as it rumbled into place. It was the Grass field. Most of the field was open greensward peppered with wasteland wildflowers. Eve’s side of the field was planted with a spinney of long-suffering railway poplars, bordered with a thicket of foaming white sweet cicely. The spinney was mirrored on the opposite side in front of Lovelace.

Too much damn grass. That sweet cicely might get him Giga Drain from Nature Power. Not useful. Josh snuffed the air a couple of times. Mud and wet grass. They must have watered the field this morning. They’re too clever to fall for a surprise Nature Power anyway.

“With your permission! Lady Champion!” Referee Averill yelled. “Welcome to the annual Tigerlily Tourney Finals! Battling this year: Melissa Evans from Marion Town! Evelina Joy from Cherrygrove City! Versus: Georgia Lovelace from Mistralton City, and Laura Winters from Icirrus City!”

Elgyem. Krokorok. Eelektross. Cinccino. Pawniard. Seismitoad. Galvantula. Heatmor. He mentally chanted the names of their pokémon almost like an incantation.

“Trainers! Ready your pokémon!”

Josh was leading with Screwball. Eve was selecting Bailey.

“And – begin!”

“Bailey, you have the honour!” Eve yelled.

“Krokorok, to battle!” Lovelace replied. Winters said nothing, and released her galvantula.

“Bailey, Pin Missile!” Eve ordered, breaking with the plan but seizing the initiative.

Rubbish type match-up. Charge Beam was effectively useless, Magnet Bomb not much better. Withdrawing takes time – withdrawing’s too obvious -

Krokorok dextrously scuttled away from the Pin Missile impacts on all fours.

If you can’t attack a pokémon, you pull out its teeth. Eerie Impulse.

“Thunderbolt: Forretress,” Winters called in a voice as sharp and strong as the strike of an iron bell. She wasn’t watching her galvantula: she was watching his hands. Trying to figure out a coded signal from two hundred feet away, audacious.

“Spikes, Eve …” Josh prompted – she was supposed to be salting the field. Eerie Impulse, he signalled.

“Yes, yes, I know. Toxic Spikes!”

“Dig, Krokorok, and get the magnemite!”

Krokorok plunged smoothly beneath the field in a squall of mud and torn grass. Josh could feel Winters’ eyes on him, waiting for an expected counter. She was left disappointed because he didn’t intend to counter, while Toxic Spikes fell like a hailstorm. He was concentrating on the vibrations rumbling up through his boot soles.

“Spider Web: Forretress,” Winters reluctantly commanded. Galvantula shot a six-foot wide web up at Bailey, Toxic Spikes bouncing and tumbling off the silken threads. Bailey was never going to be fast enough to escape the translucent trap. A classic simple, brutal Winters tactic: trap Bailey, paving the way for Lovelace to release Heatmor for a swift and decisive KO.

The vibrations stopped. “Screwball, return.”

Krokorok surfaced, clawing madly at the air and grabbing pointlessly at red light where a magnemite should have been.

“Ohh, you got lucky, lady!” Lovelace taunted.

Lucky, nothing, Josh thought. Most digging pokémon pause to aim. And you repeatedly used Dig in the Quarter Finals.

He released Fionn on the basis that she at least couldn't be trapped by Spider Web. The Toxic Spikes kept hailing down.

Galvantula stalked into the cover of the trees, its abdomen crawling with electricity. It spat a Thunderbolt arc at Bailey, shocking her enough to stop throwing out Spikes and drop into the grass. Fionn was bright enough to have phased away as soon as she materialised, while Krokorok roared in frustration, flexing and clenching his claws.

“Drop a Pin Missile down his throat!”

Bailey stitched a line of yellow-green explosions across the turf – when the fire cleared Krokorok was gone, escaped underground.

“Will o’ Wisp. Have fun with it,” Josh said. A little giggle pealed out from wherever Fionn was hiding. Krokorok tunnelled back up into the middle of the field and came practically nose-to-snout with her cherubic smile.

“Mis-dreavus!” she yelled, which probably meant something like ‘Oi, knobhead!’ He obligingly fell for the bait, lunged, teeth flashing – face first into a rolling cloud of Will o’ Wisp. Oh Fionn, my sweet silly girl. Never change. A burned krokorok might as well be a toothless krok. Lovelace was smart enough to know that.

Josh gently prodded Eve in the midriff. “I think we can use their trap. Wait till Lovelace releases Heatmor, then Self-Destruct.”

Eve glanced at Fionn, and smiled. Lovelace reached for a Poké Ball – here kitty, kitty – then Winters put out a hand and stopped her. Oh no.

“Roar, Krokorok!”

“Bollocks!” Eve said with false cheerfulness as Fionn and Bailey were swept back into their Poké Balls. “So close that time.”

“It was naïve to think that trick would work,” Josh reluctantly admitted. Screwball and Lyra materialised in their place.

“Never know. Let’s do Havoc.”

Winters thought fastest. “Electroweb!”

She was recalling Galvantula almost as soon as the Electroweb was in the air and trying to grab Lyra. Lyra hurriedly backed out of its reach - it hissed down empty and sparking into the grass.

Winters heaved an Ultra Ball at the middle of the field. It cracked open a foot off the grass, spilling out a large, muscular, serpentiform pokémon, flanks glistening with fish slime. It squirmed and wriggled into the air, trailing a pair of ropey, tentacular arms with an antic, abyssal grace. Its blunt head terminated in a perpetually gaping mouth fringed with gleaming fangs.

Josh didn’t need a Pokédex to tell him what it was. Eelektross. Notholampetra amphibia. Winters’ ace. He’d studied it more intensely than any other pokémon these past few days – cramming in everything he could find that looked relevant, and a lot of what probably wasn’t. Most of it just told him how dangerous it was. Winters was going right for the jugular.

Alright, alright, calm down. This is how Winters confuses her opponents. Don’t be intimidated. Debilitate and destroy.

“Pft. Light Screen,” Eve commanded, undaunted. Lovelace did nothing, holding back while the Light Screen locked into place and her krokorok growled impatiently.

Debilitate. He signalled a Metal Sound to Screwball. The discordant screech rasped across the field, cheerleaders protesting and clutching their ears.

Eve giggled evilly at the sight. “The honour is yours, Lyra! Fly high girl!”

Lyra eagerly swept up to treetop height, the downblast of her ascent flattening a crop circle in the grass.

“Air Cutter right!” Lyra landed a hit on Krokorok’s tail, snipping off a scute.

“Air Cutter left!” She was far too fast for Eelektross, slicing at its neck. It didn’t even seem to notice, undulating through the air with a sticky rivulet of blood oozing from the wound while Krokorok angrily roared and thrashed. There was a clatter of applause, some yells of ‘Cherrygrove!’, Lovelace shrieking at Krokorok to get it the hell together. Winters only watched Lyra coldly. Josh suddenly realised why, St Elmo’s Fire was glowing in the trees, so Eelektross was going to use -

“Lyra Protect!”

Thunderbolt slashed out at Lyra, white hot and brutally bright. Lyra’s Protect flared just in time, her Light Screen smashed into a shower of molten globules falling like a hot rain. He could almost feel the heat of it, blinked away the after-images as secondary Thunderbolts crackled. One speared right through Screwball, sending up a fountain of half-molten Light Screen flakes; another earthed itself on a tree, tracing a line of fire from crown to root and blowing its bark into shrapnel.

“Boom! Better watch out!” the cheer squad chorused.

“Bitches,” Eve muttered. “Lyra, flatten that fat lizard!”

“Stop her,” Winters commanded. Eelektross discharged a staccato lightning volley at Lyra forcing her to pull up short before she was burned from the air, stray bolts frantically groping for Screwball. I wonder if a Sonic Boom might -

“Ree-buffed!”

Josh screwed his eyes shut in frustration, trying to tune that out so he could think. Debilitate and destroy would only work if Screwball was tougher than Thunderbolt …

“Get underground!” Lovelace yelled. “Go, go!”

Have it your way, Josh thought, reaching for the Poké Ball. The vibrations were pretty strong, considering his size. Vigorous little devil.

Lovelace tossed her hair contemptuously. “Earth Power!”

Earth Power detonated in a series of flat thumps, Light Screen flashing as it shielded Screwball from the blasts. A relatively weak Special attack delivered with poor accuracy, but that wasn’t the point. The rumble of the Earth Power was masking the vibrations of Krokorok’s tunnelling. Damn, that hinny learns fast!

“Hey, Evans, better watch out!”

Bloody well shut up! What’s that eelektross going to try next -

[A coil to eliminate!] Screwball said urgently. It blazed a stream of Magnet Bombs at the ground in a desperate effort to smoke out the hidden krokorok. Lyra sliced at Eelektross with another Air Cutter.

In a sudden torrent of movement Krokorok burst snarling from the earth, snatching Screwball out of the air. Teeth ground against metal as he struggled to crush it between his jaws. There was a flash of blue and Krokorok roared with pain and rage – Screwball had blasted a Magnet Bomb into his eye. Screwball was rising up out of his reach, reloading -

“Dragon Pulse: Magnemite!”

A raging jet of dragonfire engulfed Screwball, the indigo flame razing the grass behind it down to the bare earth. The tips of its magnets appeared and disappeared like flailing arms. A moment later it dropped out of the fire, front hemisphere scorched dark brown. Inevitably, Assistant Referee Taswell swept an arm into the air to an inevitable swell of cheers and applause.

“Magnemite is unable to battle!” Referee Averill declared.

“Invicta!” the cheer squad yelled, accompanying that with a peal of claps. “Invicta!”

Their supporters caught on quickly. “Invicta! Invicta! Invicta!”

“We’ll see about that. ‘Invicta’, my sweet arse,” Eve said fiercely.

That was my fault. He’d let himself get overwhelmed, and left Screwball to strategise for himself. Unacceptable.

“Eve. Try bringing Bailey back in. I’m going with Ivysaur.”

“What about Heatmor?”

“Got to face it sometime,” Josh said. Winters was watching him again. She couldn't possibly see through Melissa, Josh unconvincingly reminded himself. She wants to win as well, there’s no damn headspace for anything else.

“True,” Eve replied. “Ok, let’s do it! Umm, Checkmate.”

“Invicta! Invicta!”

With a sharp twinge of regret Josh dropped Screwball’s Poké Ball into a pocket. “Ivysaur, battle’s on.”

[Indomitable as, eh Josh,] he croaked, eyeing Eelektross coiling slowly above him.

“Begin!”

Eve immediately recalled Lyra. “Bailey, you have the honour, but sit tight!”

Sleep Powder: Eelektross, Josh signed.

[Got it.]

Ivysaur had only just started his run when Winters unexpectedly recalled Eelektross. “Elgyem,” she commanded. “This one is yours.”

Elgyem. The psychic wall. From this distance he looked like not much more than a blue-grey egg. So much for Safeguard – he’d been released into a field full of Toxic Spikes. Winters had doomed her own wall. Her first mistake.

Krokorok took cover underground. Josh could still feel the digging in his boots, though that wasn’t of much use now. There was a glint of gold and flash of naked midriff in his peripheral vision. “Invicta! Invicta!”

On second thoughts, that is annoying.

“You’re not having it all your own way, Winters!” Eve yelled. “Bailey, Pin Missile!”

Alright, focus. Ruthless trainers focus on what’s relevant … Eye, eye. That spinney of poplars in front of Lovelace, they were mature trees, not saplings. Under Winters’ cold gaze he motioned Ivysaur into the cover of the trees. Take Down: Krokorok, he signed.

Elgyem mysteriously changed position in a flurry of Teleports. Ivysaur switched his attention to the ground, backing off a few paces. Hissing in frustration Krokorok wriggled to the surface, struggling frantically to free himself from the wet earth and sink his teeth into Ivysaur at the same time. Almost as if he’s trying to contort round a tangle of unshiftable tree roots. Ivysaur hesitated in the face of that raw ferocity gleefully encouraged by Lovelace. A Psybeam from Elgyem cremated the leaf litter right in front of his face; he barked in alarm, took one look at Krokorok clawing his way out and snapped a Vine Whip tight around his jaws. Another Vine Whip pinned his arms to his sides.

“Invicta!” Eve cheered mockingly.

Ivysaur remorselessly dragged the flailing, reluctant Krokorok from the earth. He repeatedly smashed him into the ground, Lovelace’s fans groaning in time with each impact. Eve shouted a warning – Ivysaur used his captive as a living shield against Elygem’s Psybeam. Krokorok stubbornly kept struggling, his flailing becoming noticeably weaker.

[On your command,] Ivysaur said grimly.

“Do it,” Josh confirmed.

Ivysaur turned and hurled Krokorok into the burliest tree he could see. He hit it spine-first, glanced off violently and went careening into the sweet cicley. He defiantly, painfully tried to flail back to his feet, cracking cicely stems like straws.

“Krokorok is unable to battle!” Averill declared.

“What?” Lovelace yelled disbelievingly. “Goddamnit!”

That first Psybeam. There was something suspicious about it. If Ivysaur hadn’t hesitated it would have hit him square in the flank. He hadn’t heard Winters give the order … did she know?

The cheer captain had started a shouting match with Referee Averill. The word ‘bitch’ was coming up a lot. Winters’ cold attention was back on him again. He tried to twitch his hair closer round his face. Stop. Staring at me!

“I’ve made my judgement, now get back to the sideline or get off my field!” Averill bellowed. The girl did as she was told with an air of teenage haughtiness.

“Evening the score, huh? Not for fucking long,” Lovelace said, curtly waving at the cheerleaders.

“Ace, ace, ace!” they started to chant. The fans were expecting this one. “Ace, ace, ace!”

“Is that supposed to be intimidating?” Eve said dismissively.

“Ace, ace, ace!”

Lovelace expanded a Luxury Ball, apparently basking in the support.

“This has gone on long enough!” she announced. “You’re the start of the end! Heatmor!”

“Let’s hope so,” Eve parried. “Time to stall it out.”

“Are you sure about Bailey?” Josh asked. They were on opposite sides of the field, but -

“Spikes!” Eve commanded. “Offend to defend, sweetling.”

Defensively, Growth and advance, Josh signed.

“Cosmic Power!” Winters ordered. “Attention left.”

Josh ignored Elgyem sparkling with points of cold white light – Elgyem was poisoned anyway – instead deciding what to do about Lovelace’s heatmor. He was a brawny, shaggy-furred pokémon, looking deceptively dopey as he peered myopically through the hailing Spikes. Black smoke drooled from his tail, his wrist vents glowed dully like a dying coal.

He didn’t like the sound of ‘Attention left’. Leech Seed: Heatmor.

Ivysaur nodded laconically and loped off through the wood, using the trees and the cicely thicket to hide his outline from Heatmor’s poor eyesight. He stopped ambiguously a few yards from Heatmor, in his element, green scales masked by the green and white cicely.

“Heatmor, Fire Lash!” Lovelace interrupted. Heatmor’s tongue whipped through the cicely like a rapier, a pencil-thin flicker that incinerated everything in its path. The wildflowers went up like torches. Ivysaur tried to flank him – Heatmor stabbed Fire Lash at him in quick pulses of fire that carved a chain of deep burns across his face and neck.

“Aaaaah, sweet!” the cheerleaders chorused.

“Enough, enough!” Josh yelled. Damn, damn, did that sound masculine? Ivysaur was howling and screaming in pain, cicely umbels were crumbling to ash. She knew! She bloody well knew, the brassy little besom! There were any number of things Ivysaur might reasonably have done, and she chose exactly the right move to counter it. If Ivysaur were reckless by nature that probably would have been a KO.

How … His eyes alighted on the culprit. Winters. She’d cracked his battle code.

Clever, patient, observant, icicle of a woman! She must have learnt it by heart from observing his battles – and then waited for the right moment to use it, because she knew he’d riddle it out.

No more signed - “Ow!”

“Focus, sweetling, or it’s a dead arm for you,” Eve said. “Be my anvil.”

“Ow. Er. Calculating, ruthless,” he said. “Ivysaur -”

[Dun werrit, I’m not done yet,] he defiantly replied.

“Alright … alors. Beaucoup de Vampigraine.” Neither of them would be expecting him to try the same thing again. Ivysaur sent a spray of Leech Seeds over the burning cicely, four or five of them binding to Heatmor. He didn’t seem to care, simply playing his fiery tongue across his body. The Seed tendrils blackened at its touch and flashed into flame.

Oh, that’s elegant, Josh bitterly acknowledged.

“Elgyem, Guard Cycle,” Winters ordered.

“Wait, wait,” Josh murmured before Eve could say anything. “Scan that.”

“Cosmic Power, a Psychic-type move. Cosmic Power raises the user’s – Guard Swap, a Psychic-type move. Guard Swap switches the user’s Defence and Special Defence changes with the target.”

“Who cares, he’s still poisoned,” Eve seemed to deliberately raise her voice. “Bailey, get ready for Take Down!”

“Good, Heatmor, return!”

What?

“Leavanny, to battle!” Lovelace called.

“… that’s new,” Eve said. The slender bug stood delicately in the tall grass, almost like it was mocking their surprise. Evidently Cinccino wasn’t Lovelace’s only joker. Its leafy clothing was sewn from waxy sycamore leaves – sycamore on poplar. So much for camouflage. Josh still didn’t trust it. They’d kept this one hidden for a reason.

“Safeguard,” Winters ordered. Why now, what the hell’s the point -

“Leavanny, Heal Bell!”

“Oh … bollocks,” Eve said. A single high, sweet note chimed, not loud but curiously penetrating. That same note was washing the poison from Leavanny, from Elgyem, and worst of all, from Heatmor. Attrition, their best weapon, wasn’t an option now. Even if they brought down Heatmor regardless, there were still other pokémon waiting -

St Elmo’s Fire dancing spectrally among the leaves. Thunderbolt slashed out at Lyra, white hot and brutally bright. Light Screen smashed into a shower of glistening globules falling like a hot rain, translucent, viscous, like molten glass.

Josh realised his pulse was quickening, his heart beating hard against his chest. He fought to keep his breathing steady as the anxiety tried to crush his ribs. Sweet Eostre, I’m actually feeling anxious. The chances that they might win were dwindling fast.

“Hey. About the tournament,” he said, leaning against the cool stone of the gatehouse merlon.

“What?” Eve squeaked. “I mean, yes, buddy.”

Josh took a long breath, staring east towards Violet Gym. Falkner had the whole Gym supporting him. He had Eve, yelling her heart out. “I’ll do it. On two conditions. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this properly. And you’re paying for everything we might need.”

“… really?” Eve said in a small voice.

Josh turned to her, seeing something of Gabriella in her face. ‘You’d better behave yourself’: that was enough to make him see red. He wondered if Eve had had to listen to that meddling every day. “And then we show everyone what Evelina Joy can do.”

Eve suddenly flung her arms around his neck. “I won’t forget this,” she promised.

She leaned down slightly so she could caress her cheek against his, seeming not to care that her extra couple inches height made it an awkward gesture.

Eve often liked to do things like that when cuddling, too. It was silly, but she made him feel tall.

*​

Spikes were hailing down onto the field again – Eve was stubbornly trying to bring attrition back into play. A pair of shimmering domes briefly swirled around their opponent’s pokémon as Elgyem renewed Safeguard. Complacency wasn’t one of their failings. He hadn’t got a trick past Winters all battle. Out the corner of his eye he could see that bloody banner. LOVELACE WINTERS INVICTA.

Concentrate. Ivysaur was still duelling with Heatmor, circling just out of reach of his tongue, his vines half-extended. Heatmor circled him in turn, supporting himself on his huge foreclaws, trying to keep him in sight. He pugnaciously snorted a cloud of smoke from his tail-muffler.

“Immobilisez,” Josh commanded.

A brief moment of intense concentration. Ivysaur darted forward, seizing Heatmor’s snout with a pair of vines and forcing his head up and back, growling with the effort of striving against his strong neck muscles. Flames spurted and flashed angrily from Heatmor’s jaws. Ivysaur suddenly howled and jerked back. Fire Lash had whipped across his flower. His grip critically loosened, creating a tiny opening – not enough time to think but time enough to finish it with Fire Lash.

“Cover, Bailey, cover!” Eve hollered. Pin Missiles smacked repeatedly into Heatmor’s face. “Don’t bloody waste it!” she commanded.

“Um,” Josh said. This isn’t working, recall him. “Ivysaur, return.”

Backed into a corner. The crushing pressure on his ribs eased a little. He had no choice but to try and stall Heatmor out the hard way. “Fionn!” he called in Kalosian. “Future Sight! And don’t get caught.”

You can’t hit what you can’t see.

“What do you think,” Eve said.

“Patience,” he replied for want of a better idea.

“I hate reacting.”

“Elgyem, return,” Winters commanded. “Galvantula, take over.”

Fionn stared off into space for a few seconds, casting Future Sight – Winters invariably noticed, ordering Galvantula to strike her with Thunderbolt. It was a long shot, blowing a hole in the grass and leaving Fionn laughing ungraciously as she faded from sight.

“She can’t hide forever!” Lovelace yelled. “Start up your Solar Beam!”

Josh scanned the field intently, looking for anything, anything, that might give him an edge; Winters had her calculating look, possibly searching for Fionn’s hiding-place; Bailey cannoned past after Galvantula; the sweet cicely was still smouldering; Heatmor’s wrist vents started to glow with captured light.

“Spider Web: Forretress!” Winters snapped. From its refuge halfway up a tree Galvantula flung down a web, easily engulfing the bewildered Bailey.

Most trainers hate feeling hunted, I suppose. When backed into a corner they attack and attack, looking desperately for that one break.

One of the shadows beneath the trees elongated, developed a toothy grin, and became Fionn spiralling up towards Galvantula.

“There!” Lovelace yelled, pointing.

“Allez!”

Not me. The Solar Beam seared off into the trees, every leaf flaring emerald as the light blazed through it. “Aaaaah, sweet!” the cheerleaders chorused in assumption of a KO.

I live for the attack. Waiting to see what you do.

The grass rustled strangely, waving in a wind that should not exist. “It’s here,” he said.

“Bailey, get to centre field!” Eve ordered.

The next moment, psychic bedlam. Like turning on a lamp, suddenly there were jagged shafts of kaleidoscopic light stabbing down onto the field, flicking up little plumes of steam.

Grind you down, bit by bit. Heatmor was smacked thrice in the head in quick succession. Until there’s nothing left to do.

“Self-Destruct!”

But lose.

Next Chapter: Invicta

 

[Misfit Angel]

I know I've been making vague promises of a mega review over the past six months (I feel really bad about how long it's been) and they haven't been coming to fruition. Since I dumped a few other reviews out today, I'd feel even worse if I left you out, so I'll give what I've got so far, divided into chapters. Probably not as much as I should have at this point, but here goes!

Chapter 2: A Real Trainer

"Mary, we need to talk about your habit of inviting strange men into our home..."

Interesting premise. I still feel that the power being out is a strange motivator for inviting a complete stranger into the house. Sharing food because it'll go bad regardless, I can see, but not inviting someone in. But who knows, I'm a city slicker and I've been trained extensively in the art of being a rude asshole to strangers, even those in need. That said, it gave Josh the reason he needed to secure his first capture.

I'm not certain if it's just a consequence of improving your writing over the years, but the battle felt weaker than Bulbasaur vs. Ledyba (I'm assuming you've put much more effort into maintaining quality for the first chapter compared to the later ones). That said, I guess it's as solid as it can be considering the timing of it. Josh and Bulbasaur are just starting, which I assume means he only knows a few basic attacks rather than a full list of amazing abilities.

Still, I liked it. Nice, cozy chapter.

Chapter 3: The Girl from Cherrygrove City

Did she just steal her way into the Pokecenter's supplies and services? Naughty!

Once again I found myself confounded by your choice of phrasing. "He had an air of coiled spring about him," I actually had to go on quite a quest to find the meaning of this! Not that that's bad, I like being challenged.

I feel like I'm going to say this on nearly every chapter, but your description never faulters. Despite not even visiting the tide pools, I got a clear picture of them. The creatures slithering away for another night's rest was a nice touch. I actually felt that Zubat smacking into my ear just as Eve did. It's official, you're a sorcerer of words.

My only real complaint with this chapter (and I guess this applies to the previous as well) is that they don't follow the standard established in chapter 4, specifically noting who the focus character is.

Chapter 4: Over Hill, Under Hill

Never thought I'd see a man awkwardly flirt with a magnemite, even if that wasn't his intent

I see what you meant in your review of Roses' 24th chapter, where you talked about personifying the storm. You did a good job of that here, it's something I'll have to borrow a bit of.

One little comment I have about this chapter... Josh lost his sense of direction, which is an interesting idea for a solo traveller. But he's also got a Pokegear that has a weather app, so I'm assuming it's fairly modern, probably even digital. Would it not make sense for Pokegear to come standard with a compass, especially since it's a device aimed specifically at people who travel the land as a profession?

Also, I'm pretty sure at this point that he should be in a full body cast. He's tumbled down a stone mountain twice, smashed himself against wood several times and then plummeted into a cave, which I'm presuming is made of stone. He's not a Kryptonian, is he?

Chapter 5: Matters of Grace

"Look at me, I'm a trainer that's impossible to defeat!" ~ Every trainer everywhere, throughout history, even the guy who just started

The battle between a Machop and a Bulbasaur made me think: fighting-types would probably be the best at personal defense, as they're bred for physical capabilities and train extensively in their art. A Bulbasaur would stand absolutely no chance unless it got a lucky hit in. But since it appears that you're following the video game rules, it stands to reason that they'd be more closely matched, and they were; Tyler's assumption that he destroyed Josh simply weren't true.

Quite disappointed the chapter didn't end with Tyler face down in the dirt, nursing a bruised jaw and a broken nose. He more than earned that. But that would go against the theme of the chapter.

Chapter 6: Azalea Town

Look at that, Starbucks exists in this universe, too.

There's a lot I picked up on in this one.

You know, I actually like the idea of qualifier battles, to make sure someone is up to the task of taking on the gym leader. Not sure I'd have the gym leader be the one who participates in the final qualifier, though. Seems you've got a qualifier for the qualifier, beat up my minions for a chance to test yourself against me. Seems a little convoluted.

The reunification scene between Josh and Evelina felt a bit awkward to me. Might have been better to break up "If that’s what you want. I’ll be waiting. Ah, a new challenger? Welcome to the Azalea Town Gym," with him turning his attention specifically to Josh before addressing him. Evelina leaving made sense, but the wording didn't feel quite right, either.

Past the first break, noticed a missing word in the second sentence of the second paragraph: "and the warmth of the late morning sun had forced to Josh remove his old grey jumper."

Another thing I noticed, not sure if you didn't catch it because it could have been applied to any other Pokemon and make sense, but Eve referring to the Pokedex's ability to determine Magnemite's gender struck me as odd. Unless the presence or lack of a screw on the top of its body is an indicator ;P

I can definitely feel a hint of romantic attraction that Eve has for Josh. Nothing intense, certainly, but the way it's stated that he listens unlike anyone else she knows gives me that feeling. I don't know if that's the intent, but it's what I got.

An employer may argue over the value of a university education, but a Badge is always a Badge.

Unless of course you "earn" that badge by accidentally setting a Grass-type gym on fire, turning on the sprinklers in a Rock-type gym or giving the gym leader a fit of laughter. ;P

 

[Beth Pavell]

Response time again, oh my.

I'm not certain if it's just a consequence of improving your writing over the years, but the battle felt weaker than Bulbasaur vs. Ledyba

I think it's perhaps a bit of both. The pre-Azalea chapters have been rewritten several times, but that battle hasn't changed much. Part of that is down to the problem of writing interesting battles with newbie pokémon.

It's official, you're a sorcerer of words.

I tried so hard to think of a clever Harry Potter joke here, and with the kind of irony the cosmos just loves, failed. But that's very flattering - I thought those descriptions were a bit by-the-numbers, myself.

I see what you meant in your review of Roses' 24th chapter, where you talked about personifying the storm. You did a good job of that here, it's something I'll have to borrow a bit of.

I'd forgotten I'd written that. On the subject of the plot, the idea had been that Josh isn't Aragorn - he's not familiar with mountains and makes a big mistake in thinking he can predict the weather. There was supposed to be a bit of reality ensues as he simply can't see due to being a glasses wearer. That being said, I do take the point, since he would be the kind of person to have an old-fashioned compass even if he rarely uses it.

I hadn't noticed before, but the gradient of the mountain changes quite a lot between the first and second half of the chapter. I think perhaps something ought to be mentioned in Chapter Five. Either way he's going to wake up sore after a night like that.

But since it appears that you're following the video game rules

I suppose so. Something the official media tends to ignore is that human martial arts - which Fighting-types are often stereotypes of - are designed for fighting humans rather than pokémon. The point is perhaps moot, since I don't think there ever was much chance of little Bulbasaur winning anyway.

A few things to polish in Six, it seems (Another missing word somehow escapes countless rereads and edits for accuracy). The café is still one of my favourite scenes. I think I wrote it on my old laptop, that managed to overheat while running Word

 

[Flaze]

So I think I'm going to sound like a broken record if I keep talking about how tournament arcs aren't your forte. That being said, I do think the battle came off better this time around and it was easier to get a good vision of what was going on...at the start. The issue is that the battle gets kind of long pretty fast, the fact that it's going to be a two-parter is already making me uneasy. The issue here is because of what I pointed out before, you make your fights too long.

It's nice that you want to give a detailed more strategy-based battle, especially double battles which are rarely done. But the reason double battles are rarely done is because it's hard to really keep track of everything going on, which is why adding in the whole hidden strategies aspect and new combo moves and stuff makes it even shakier. I get what you're trying to do, but if we don't know what the moves the Pokemon are using are and it's not described in appropriately then it just takes the reader out. This happens a lot when characters are attacking where attacks suddenly get super detailed and descriptive and then they just become quick and unexplored.

Something else that also affects this negatively is the though process. Battles are delicate and you have to know what POV to really focus on. The problem here is that you're constantly switching between focusing on the actual fight to focusing on what Josh, Eve and the other battlers are doing, sometimes in the same paragraph and this can be completely and utterly jarring. Again, I know what you're trying to do, but it's better to admit that you can't do it and try to go with a different approach than constantly trying to see if you can get the feel down.

Switching from one focus to the other also stops you from being able to really delve into anything. We don't get to see much from Josh and Eve's opponents aside from their basic archetypes during battle and we also don't get to dive deeper into Josh and Eve because we're constantly switching mindsets.

I know it sounds like I'm being overly negative but the issue is...it was boring, it was just plain boring because there came a point where I just threw my arms back and gave up on trying to keep track of what's going on and imagine what's happening . That sounds completely rude, but I have to be honest because I've been reading this fic for a long time and I know that you can do better.

So my advice would be to shorten the chapter somewhat, summarize the battle a bit more and pick a side to focus on, do you want to look at the battle from the trainer's perspectives or do you want to look at it from the field. You can do both, but you have to make sure when you can switch from one to the other without it throwing the reader off.

Even with all that though I'm still looking forward to the next chapter and see whether Eve gets to accomplish her dream or not, so hurry up

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 7: Better Judgements

You're good, kid, but you're not that good.

So, it's been awhile since my last review. I got up to somewhere around chapter 18 the last time I tried doing my mega review before I got sidetracked with life, and I feel like I've forgotten enough to the point where a reread is due. So I've started back here at chapter 7. As much as I like this story, the characters and the overall concept of it, I think the reason I have such a hard time keeping stuck to it is how wordy some of the chapters get, and I feel like chapter 7 is a picture perfect example of this.

I never finish a sentence thoroughly confused. I can understand them and the message behind them. But some of them are just so needlessly wordy, it feels like, or they use such a combination of words that they're easy to stumble on, which breaks my flow of reading.

Benny's face screwed up into a frown of concentration.

Here's an example. It's such a bizarre phrase. I understand it, but I've never seen it put that way. Not here in America, not in the countless tens of thousands of hours I've sunk into British media. I dunno, maybe I'm sticking at this too much.

Bright kaleidoscopic rays burst from its eyes, zigzagging crazily through the air in a whirl of weird colour.

But at the same time, I do love the description in sentences like this one, even if it does get a bit wordy sometimes. All in all, your style isn't bad, just... something I'm somehow still not entirely accustomed to.

Anyways, moving on. I loved the bubbling anger that was present in Josh, and I could tell he was about to start screaming at Bugsy. But then... that little Magnemite actually cares about him, doesn't it? Stopped Josh from making a fool of himself. How's that for a bond, Bugsy?

Josh glanced up at the electronic bulletin board that dominated the back wall of the common room. The huge board displayed the status of all the pokémon undergoing treatment at the Centre. Magnemite's icon flashed up next to Bulbasaur's near the bottom right of the screen, marked with the status 'At Rest'.

Something about this bothers me. Are there no privacy concerns here? No security concerns? Let's say a Team Rocket operative is skulking around the Pokecenter and sees something rare on the screen, such as an Eevee. He sees a big fat pay day and could potentially swipe the Eevee in question while no one is looking. That's what I would do if I was a criminal, just stalk the Pokecenters endlessly, looking for a powerful or easy target to take advantage of when they least expect it.

A feature like this would definitely be convenient to a trainer, but at what potential cost?

aaaaand the thick Scottish accents return! I always love reading them, because I can hear them so clearly in my mind's... ear? The only thing missing from Josh's father is a hearty "OCH!"

Anyways! I've noticed I'm more comfortable with the traditional review format you do and the awards are centered around, so I'll try to do that from here on:

Plot
Astonishingly, I have little to talk about here. It definitely feels like one of the more important chapters, but I feel it's the character development that sells it more than the plot.

Setting
I quite liked the description used to imagine the Pokecenter. This is something that very few people do, I've noticed, and I'm glad you touch on it. It's probably not your intention, but I definitely get the feel of an American highway rest stop; it's got a lounge area, it's got a food court, it's got information services. It's got everything needed for a travelling trainer. Makes me wonder how other local businesses such as dedicated restaurants might compete.

Characters
Here's where character development comes in. Josh realizes that Bugsy is right; he's not ready for the gym challenge. Different from most characters who are at this stage in their story, Josh actually listens to that advice, and he takes steps towards fixing it. I really appreciate that. Most authors, myself included, just throw their character into the meat grinder for their first gym battle (unless they're destined to win it), but I love it that Josh takes a step back to better prepare himself.

Something that did bug me (pun not intended) was that Benny just seemed completely oblivious to Magnemite's clear immunity to moves such as Sleep Powder. He's an apprentice at a gym, he really should know better, and I'd have fired him on the spot if I were Bugsy. Not only did he try once which is questionable, he tried again. He completely missed the immunity as well as missed the fact that Magnemite's supersonic just pushed it out of the way anyways. Unless the intent was to show that this trainer is not very good (which I would expect him to be, considering where he is), I feel like an opportunity was missed here.

Style
I've already touched on this above during my opening. I guess the only thing I can add is that I understand this chapter is in a weird spot. When it comes to edits to bump up quality, the first few chapters always receive the most attention; they're the most important for hooking the reader in. I feel like chapter 7 is sufficiently past the point of trying to hook readers, so it might not have received the same level of attention and polishing. Nothing wrong with that!

Technical
Didn't find much, but I did notice this:

Magnemite almost casually threw an arching bolt of electricity at the drowsy Venonat

This didn't look right to me, so I looked it up. Unless this is a difference between British and American spellings, I believe this should be "arcing".

Anyways, I'll try to be more proactive with both reading and getting my thoughts out there. I'm definitely abandoning the idea of the mega review, it's not doing either of us any good.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Interlude: The Beast of the Sea

There isn't much to cover here, so I'll be brief.

Characters
Something that I found a little strange was how... unintelligent Lugia appeared to be. Why she's trying to avoid a horde of Golducks in their ideal environment instead of just flying away, I have no idea. It seems the assault on her would have been easily avoided in that case.

Is it just a simple fact in her old age that she isn't able to fly anymore? Or have you taken a creative liberty and clipped her wings so that she can't?

Setting
The scenery is vividly crafted for how short it is. There's expert use of color, sound and imagery to picture everything important.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 8: Two Is Company

You shall have a fishy on a little dishy...

First, I've gotta say that I loved the little awkward "should I, shouldn't I?" "just take a bite!" argument between Josh and Eve. These two are too damn cute together.

Josh raised his fork threateningly as the bird bore down on the table. Pidgeotto landed, ignoring Josh's attempts to stab it, screamed “PIDGEOOO!” in his face and delivered a painful peck to the ear. Then it was off in a whirl of feathers, leaving behind Josh clutching his ear and Eve shrieking curses.

This line is fantastic, and it really shows the difference between our mundane birds and pokemon. A normal pigeon would be hesitant to even approach a table with humans present at it (unless it lived a life's worth of being fed by them), but pokemon... They're capable of bringing great harm to others with their abilities, I doubt they'd be afraid of a human trying to swat it away. It'd bully it's way onto that table and steal whatever it wanted, even at the risk of being gutted by a fork. I'm glad you touched on this. Little details like this are amazing.

Eve looked ready to keep arguing, but her scowl changed to a smile instead. “Maybe I'd rather take you out to dinner,” she said archly.

Poor, poor Josh just can't take the hint, can he?

Style
While this was a quick and easy read, a couple of things bothered me about it.

One of the things was that the pace felt so incredibly quick. I suppose for the actual plot of the chapter to work, it had to be, but... going from a slow, relaxed lunch scene to "omg we have to run off and bag this bird" within such a short time span... I guess that's just Eve's style, though. Never stuck in one place for long, always looking for some new trouble to get herself into.

The battle between Magnemite, Pidgeotto and Meowth also felt a bit... unfocused, I guess? It felt like a lot happened, but the narrative didn't slow down to explain what happened. We go from Josh theorizing about strategy to "that won't work" within just a couple of lines, and then Eve's Meowth appears out of nowhere and basically destroys it with ease. I see the potential in the battle, it just didn't land for me, that's all.

The Ball rattled and bounced around wildly -

- the pidgeotto within thrashed and struggled in fury. She refused to be captured so easily! If she just struggled hard enough, then -

- the Ball burst open as the capture lock failed. Pidgeotto shot up into the air even before it had properly re-materialised, calling in triumph before wheeling away southeast over the town.

And then these three lines. I get the feeling you were trying to do something stylistic here, but I've never seen this in literature before. It might be some obscure technique, and if it is, it flew way over my head.

She mugged a passing human for his hamburger, but it just wasn't the same.

I'm not sure if you intended it, but just this single line being thrown on there feels a little out of place. I get what you're saying with it, but I feel like it could be expanded a bit to sell the point even further. Specifically why it isn't the same.

And now the positives:

The second battle with Cyndaquil and Magnemite, while brief and halfway complete by the time we get to it, was much more well done. It didn't stumble over itself getting to the next part. Excellent.

The same goes for Magnemite vs. Spinarak. I hadn't actually thought about using a move like Shadow Sneak as some sort of camouflage, it's very creative and goes to show the tactical superiority a gym leader has over the average trainer... and then Josh answers with his own tactically thought out move by figuring out the likely hiding spot of the Spinarak. Great stuff! My only real concern here with this battle is that I felt like the missed electrical attacks probably would have set at least a small fire amongst the leaves. Not enough to burn the whole tree down, just enough to cause some alarm from either Josh or Bugsy.

The final scene featuring the Pidgeotto was well done, too. I feel like we've gotten more into the mind of this Pidgeotto than just about any other pokemon introduced so far, including the main ones.

Technical
I didn't notice much in the way of errors, just one thing this time:

“White apricorns,” she repeated dully. “White apricorns! Fast Balls! Josh, you're brilliant!” Eve leapt up and carefully selected an apricorn, slicing through the stem with a pocket knife.

“Josh, you're brilliant,” Eve beamed at him. “Hmm … maybe I'll take a couple of colours.”

I think I spy some patchwork editing here with these two lines spoken by the same character

All in all, this is a much stronger chapter than chapter 7 turned out to be, I feel, even through the constant scene shifts. We're really getting into the swing of things!

 

[kintsugi]

Hey there. Long time no see. I caught up from chapter 26 -> now, so apologies if my thoughts are a little disjointed.

I'm a huge fan of some of the smaller details you interspersed here -- the special mareep wool, the cheerleaders, and the dig tremors/subsequent use of Earth Power to cover them up. It adds a nice layer to the story, and the last one was especially cool because it showed both sides of the battle being cheeky and clever to get a one-up on their opponents without making the other party have to act stupid for that to happen.

assistant referees Susie Taswell and Sì Qìshuĭ Yú

lol idk if this was intentional but it looks like you named your second assistant referee "pleasant death soda" in Mandarin. Furthermore, most Chinese given names are only two syllables, so having the joined characters in the middle kind of fucks that up no matter how you do that split. On the flip side, this is Kanto and it's PokeChina so this is a really tiny detail.

Your battles flowed pretty cleanly. I like how you have trainers who utilize different moves in different styles, and that aforementioned thing about Winter guessing how Josh guessed Dig was a solid example of that. Given that the past [many] chapters have been battles, I think you've handled them better than most would have, and they were unique enough that I could read each chapter back to back without feeling like I'd entirely read everything before. For a tournament arc, that's pretty solid.

On the flip side, I think this arc has dragged a little bit. I remember kind of feeling like I was falling out of love (just a little! not a lot) with this fic somewhere on the second tournament chapter, and upon re-reading I tried to pin down exactly where that feeling came from. The style of writing is still impeccable and the details are good and your characters are interesting, but I found myself struggling to engage with the core of this plotline as much as I had previously. The final reasoning I settled on is... kind of esoteric and might just be a me thing, so I've spoilered it here and you're absolutely free not to look at it:

Spoiler

So when I was on hiatus I ended up bingeing Boku No Hero Academia, which is an anime primarily about the kind of sparky-sparky-boom-boom explosions that you don't like but has an absurdly well-handled tournament arc from a character development standpoint, to the point that I think it's probably the only form of fiction where the tournament arc is my favorite part of the show. Maybe it's just because the show was fresh on my mind when I was reading it, but I couldn't help but compare the two, and I think BNHA made three conscious decisions in their tournament arc that made it vastly more palatable and even enjoyable, from most to least important.

1. Each fight was important for all of the characters involved -> There were multiple parties that we could win/that we wanted to win.
This is by far the most important one and the one where I think you're limited the most. However, I think it had the most negative impact on how I'm reading this arc. Here, everything up until the trophies is basically a foregone conclusion for me --either Eve carries Josh to victory and finally gets the validation she wants, or Eve loses to some randos. There is no middle option. The first one is what I think will happen, but if the second one happens, I won't be terribly excited for the victors or let down for Eve. There's only one party that I actually care about in this arc, and coincidentally it's the same party that you're narrating from, so it's not really a surprise that Eve and Josh are going to get pretty far because that's the only way the plot will continue.

BNHA has similar limitations to you, I think, but they approached it differently. There's still only one primary protagonist (although admittedly it does have the leg-up on you in the sense that it has a much wider supporting cast to pit against each other), but interestingly enough his motivations were probably the smallest focus of the arc. Pretty much every other competitor had their own widely different reasons for entering -- to support their family with the prize winnings, to prove to their oppressive parent that they don't need to follow in that parent's footsteps (hey this sounds familiar), to continue beating up their friends because messages on heroism that don't make sense out of context, to impress the viewers and get potential sponsorship with the resulting fame, to be as good as an older sibling.

The gist is that every member of the cast had different and entirely valid reasons for wanting to win the tournament, and we got to see them. So when the actual fights were happening, it wasn't a clash of two fighters; it was a clash of two motivations and ideals. There were two equally-right sides that were struggling to win, and the battlefield was just as much a literal one as it was one about their own justifications for why they were fighting. Each fight meant something in the long-term plan of that character's arc. The protagonist gets knocked out way before the finals, but it doesn't matter -- the other characters in this arc mattered enough to carry the story on, and that made the final outcome genuinely surprising and interesting, rather than the Eve wins/doesn't win dichotomy above.

And this boiled down to a really simple conclusion. In pretty much any fight in your tournament arc, I don't get the feeling that Eve and Josh are fighting opponents that matter -- at no point in this 10-chapter arc (which is almost a third of your story) did I ever think they would lose.

2. Unimportant fights were omitted.
Fights that weren't important to the two things above were montaged* in a way that still showed off their participants but didn't take an entire episode. The tournament started off with non-battle prelims that also helped introduce the characters + why they were here, but it was done in such a way that they weren't using PvP skills, so we weren't tired of watching people square off by the time the stakes had been established and it was time to square off.

Having battles shown here in full was a bold choice, but I think it's overly ambitious. While the fights were entertaining enough to get through them all at once, I honestly couldn't tell you who fought whom in the prelims or the quarter finals, let alone what strategy they used. Winters is the genuine exception here. There were some high-quality strats used a few times, but I don't know if they were worth making the past few chapters back-to-back battles.

*cons -- montages in writing are hard

3. These were the first real PvP fights we were seeing.
We spent the first season of BNHA watching characters grow and getting introductions, but this is the first time that we really get to see them do 1v1 combat. And when they do, the shift in power-levels is genuinely impressive and surprising, and it makes the fights seem that much more interesting because there's a whole new skill ceiling/strategy at the heart of each fight. You don't get this luxury since your characters are more developed than the ones in BNHA were, but I feel like there could be a similar translation with double battles (as opposed to the 1v's that we've mostly seen here) that doesn't get fully fleshed out. There are a few good synergy moments between Eve/Josh's or their opponents pokemon, but for the most part it feels like two 1v1's that are happening side by side with occasional switching of who is 1v1'ing whom -- in other words, it's like another set of gym battles/the other battles we've seen so far. And normally, as mentioned above, you have a knack for making battles interesting so this wouldn't be so rough, but it's the issue of having multiple full-length battles back-to-back with minimal change from what you've already shown these characters are capable of that he tried and true formula starts to wear a little thin.

idk. this is a lot of text and I know you're not a huge fan of drama and explosions, but I really think BNHA's tournament was a great tournament not because of the explosions, but because of how it integrated characters into the plot, which felt like it was right up your alley. I hope some of this makes sense.

^sorry for text wall but I felt bad at just leaving it with "I found this a hair boring" without explaining the one good way I've seen a tournament arc handled

 

[AetherX]

this is Kanto

 

[kintsugi]

 

[AetherX]

 

[kintsugi]

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 9: Scary Shiny Glasses

Sparks Fly For Magnemite!!!

Characters

Eve couldn't help but look at the seed pokémon with a professional eye. Bulbasaur's bulb was a handsome velvety forest green, his scales shiny and supple, closer to green than teal in colour. She was a little impressed by his lean physique – captive bulbasaur often tended to develop a greedy streak and needed a firm trainer to stop them overeating.

She's not a nurse, or at least I don't recall there being any mentions of her having formal training before venturing out into the world, but I get the feeling that she's picked up a lot over the years due to her family relations. I like little details like these, they really make characters shine in ways that seem totally mundane, yet many writers tend to just skip over. Broad life experiences, such as these, are often ignored for whatever the plot demands, and I'm happy to see that's not a pitfall for this story's characters.

[This crazy bitch is trying to drown me!]

[Don't act so proud. I can smell your pits from here, pinko.]

If I recall, this is the first time we hear Meowth's thoughts. With just these two lines, I know I'm going to like him.

Technical/Style

I don't know if he knows it yet, but Josh has got this battle won.

I'm going to assume that this line was thought by Bugsy, yet it's attached to a line of Bulbasaur's actions. Threw me for a loop at first, maybe this needs to be its own line, possibly with further clarification of who is thinking this.

That said, I'm actually a little confused by the narrator getting into the thoughts of other characters besides the focus character (in this case Eve). I might just be naive, but I was always taught that if you were going to have a focus character in writing, the notion of third person omnicient went out the window and you were stuck to third person limited. Maybe I was taught wrong?

Or am I way off base here, and all of these thoughts belong to Eve instead? I suppose that's a possibility. That said, I would still separate the thoughts into their own lines, even if it breaks up the action. It's so confusing otherwise.

Description
Here we go, the much anticipated conclusion of the battle between Josh and Bugsy (which I personally would have put all in one chapter)! I have to say, description-wise, it didn't disappoint. The choreography was pretty good; I could picture what was happening quite well without having to rely on my own imagination, and more importantly it didn't stumble over itself.

With a certain degree of care, Bulbasaur lifted Beedrill and smashed it against a tree, again and again, until finally, it stopped struggling.

I can't help but think that this was a bit of your sarcasm as an author poking through; nothing about dashing a giant bug's brains out against a tree screams "care" to me.

She had a steel grip, both hands locked tight around his tail.

Okay, I burst out laughing when I read this. Just picturing a cat trying its absolute hardest to escape some crazy lady who in turn is playing tug o' war with its tail is just too rich of a mental image. In fact, the whole bath time scene for poor Meowth was great. It really adds a level humility and realism to the story.

Character responses and commentary
I find myself often wanting to respond to the characters and what they say, so I'll dedicate a whole section to it at this point.

“It's all about speed. Nothing can match a Bug pokémon that's been trained to move,”

Ahem, Mr. Bugsy, let's see you say that to an Arcanine. Not only would it leave your little bugs in the dust, it would turn your little bugs into dust.

I know it's all a battle persona, but it's kinda, well ... cool.

Yet Eve saw an expression on his face she'd seen once before. Behind those dark eyes the cogs in his head were whirring. She half-expected the sun to reflect off his glasses dramatically.

sploosh

“They should be. They're reinforced toe to backstay with aron steel,” he replied casually.

Oh, my sweet summer child, you are going to regret that when winter rolls around! Steel toe'd boots are bad enough even on a chilly autumn day, I can't imagine the majority of a boot being made of metal.

Part of Eve wondered whether she should even be feeling this way. She'd only known Josh two short days, after all. They would soon be going their separate ways, probably for good. Too soon. How long has it been since I last clicked with someone so well?

Awww, someone's in loooooove~

 

[Beth Pavell]

No .gifs without reviews!

Are there no privacy concerns here? No security concerns?

I hadn't thought of that. It's almost too interesting to change, actually. Having thought about it, I think I'm ok with it, on the basis that people often do things that are convenient but compromise their security. Keyless entry on cars is a good modern example. Regarding the Pokémon Centre in general, yeah, I pretty much envisaged it as being not unlike what we'd call [Motorway] Services. I imagine it as being fairly basic - ok food but nothing better than you'd get at a decent pub, rooms that are entirely functional, etc. For a trainer that's great because it's subsidised (See Chapter Nine), but if you're not then you may as well stay in a B+B.

My version of the Centres has them, for the most part, paid for by the state, so in places where there are fewer travelling trainers the hospitality business might step in where the government doesn't think it's worth building a full Pokémon Centre. It's possible too that the private sector might be able to undercut them by being invariably more efficient than a public sector business.

I am glad that the key point of Chapter Seven landed. It wouldn't have made much sense for a trainer who has up till now basically been coasting to win a Gym victory entirely on merit. I've also been determined to subvert the idea that you can simply earn Badges by exploiting obvious type-weaknesses. I think it's fair to say these chapters haven't been as highly polished - perhaps it's time to correct that.

First, I've gotta say that I loved the little awkward "should I, shouldn't I?" "just take a bite!" argument between Josh and Eve. These two are too damn cute together.

Thank you and thank you. I'm skipping over a lot of what I could respond to, but I have read them all and taken it on board, good and bad.

One of the things was that the pace felt so incredibly quick. I suppose for the actual plot of the chapter to work, it had to be, but... going from a slow, relaxed lunch scene to "omg we have to run off and bag this bird" within such a short time span... I guess that's just Eve's style, though. Never stuck in one place for long, always looking for some new trouble to get herself into.

I suppose so. I've been trying to think about how it could be done differently, and I'm drawing something of a blank on that. I think, perhaps, that the battle doesn't help, being rather short in terms of the wordcount.

She's not a nurse, or at least I don't recall there being any mentions of her having formal training before venturing out into the world, but I get the feeling that she's picked up a lot over the years due to her family relations

No indeed - you may recall in Chapter Six she mentioned helping out after school as being standard for her family. I've aimed for Eve's knowledge to be fairly everyday - she wouldn't know much about rarer pokémon or diagnostics, but she'd have a decent working knowledge of everyday care and treatment. You may notice (Particularly in future chapters) that her chapters use more technical anatomical language in pokémon descriptions.

Or am I way off base here, and all of these thoughts belong to Eve instead?

I'll admit I've kind of dug my own grave in these earlier chapters. Italicised thoughts are supposed to belong to the viewpoint character. The viewpoint jumps in the likes of Five and Eight don't help.

Steel toe'd boots are bad enough even on a chilly autumn day, I can't imagine the majority of a boot being made of metal.

I wonder whether there's a difference of opinion there. Granted, British winters are never as cold as New York state, but I wore steel toe'd boots working in a freezer back in 2017 and I didn't really notice them (Well I did, because they didn't fit properly rather than cold).

My, that was a long response. On to the next:

lol idk if this was intentional but it looks like you named your second assistant referee "pleasant death soda" in Mandarin. Furthermore, most Chinese given names are only two syllables, so having the joined characters in the middle kind of fucks that up no matter how you do that split. On the flip side, this is Kanto and it's PokeChina so this is a really tiny detail.

We'll start with the easy one. This kind of highlights the difficulty in translating from pinyin - it comes out as something like "Four Fizzy Fish". "Fizzy" is a bit of a sticking point - Google insists on translating it as "soda" but my dictionary gives it as "fizzy". It's possible the same word/character is used in both senses.

I did try to get it down to three syllables for the sake of neatness, but this is primarily riffing off Terry Pratchett's Aurential number-adjective/verb-noun names (Based on Mayan names, I think).

When it comes to your points about the tourney in general, fundamentally I agree. Funnily enough I have been taking narrative tricks from Haikyuu!! (An anime more or less built on tournament arcs) to try and get it to work. Has it worked? I would say no, or at least not as well as I would like. Here's what I've concluded:

1. The Long Walk isn't focused on tournaments and winning, and that's a problem. The stakes are always lower, and the audience is always less invested in the outcome.
2. Sticking stubbornly to two points of view hasn't helped. It's given me less opportunity to really show anything of the other characters, as you pointed out. In hindsight, perhaps my attempt to cut down those inter-competitor interactions down to a minimum was a mistake.
3. Prose is far less tolerant of fat in the action than visual media.

Part of the difficulty in writing this has been the contradictory nature of responses. Some readers have liked and engaged with the battles, some found they dragged or were confusing, for example. So far the prevailing opinion has been that the tourney has outstayed its welcome. I blame my choice of making it a Doubles tourney for that. Double battles take at least twice as long to plan and write, and twice as much space on the page. Trying to keep the action smooth and engaging while also trying to include interesting Doubles strategies is hard.

So what do we take away from this? Live and learn, I suppose. In an ideal world I'd go back and rethink the whole arc. As it is, we're one chapter away from finishing so I'm going to press ahead and chalk it up to experience

 

[kintsugi]

No .gifs without reviews!

We'll start with the easy one. This kind of highlights the difficulty in translating from pinyin - it comes out as something like "Four Fizzy Fish". "Fizzy" is a bit of a sticking point - Google insists on translating it as "soda" but my dictionary gives it as "fizzy". It's possible the same work is used in both senses.

I do admit I picked the least gratuitous interpretation of that sentence to prove a point, heh. But then again, if your language can do this, there's room for unintentional misunderstanding -- typically, this is avoided because context allows for people to understand what a given name would probably be, but that gets lost once you start straying from conventional given names. My main point was the four syllables vs three thing -- I don't quite follow your Terry Pratchett reference, but I honestly haven't seen a name with four syllables formatted the way that you've done it, ever. Sometimes it's 2/2, but I've never seen 1/2/1 or 1/3 or 3/1. The normal name syllable format is typically 1/2 (surname/given), and the deviation from this is what made me try to consider what the name was even supposed to mean in the first place. To me it's roughly akin to introducing yourself as Pav Ell Bet Hanyauthor: understandable what you're trying to do, but there's something inherently odd.

The Long Walk isn't focused on tournaments and winning, and that's a problem. The stakes are always lower, and the audience is always less invested in the outcome.

To return to the BNHA comparison: winning the tournament itself isn't really that big of a deal for any of the competitors. It was admittedly more important to the cast than it probably is for anyone in TLW, but it's repeatedly mentioned as a first-year tournament (of which there will be many more), not some contrived "let's have a tournament for the fate of the world, looking at you Goku". To emphasize this, a lot of good comes for the characters who didn't win, both tangibly (they get internships/sponsors due to the publicity they received) and intangibly (power-ups, improved tactics, etc), and the guy who actually wins the tournament arguably gets the least out of it.

I think the inherent flaw in tournament arcs is that they rely on this pre-conceived notion that the protagonist has to win so they can [prove their worth/save the world/be a protagonist], and so the focus is more on the protag beating up people and either winning or losing at the end of the day. The reason I keep going back to BNHA's tournament is because it threw that trope out the window and let the story still be a story, with the tournament almost running in the background secondary to more subtle character growth and development. I actually think that TLW is in more of a position to buck this trope in a similar manner, and could do so quite effectively with the change in focus that you acknowledge in (2), which is why I keep drawing the BNHA example back to the forefront.

Prose is far less tolerant of fat in the action than visual media.

I feel you fren

Part of the difficulty in writing this has been the contradictory nature of responses. Some readers have liked and engaged with the battles, some found they dragged or were confusing, for example. So far the prevailing opinion has been that the tourney has outstayed its welcome. I blame my choice of making it a Doubles tourney for that. Double battles take at least twice as long to plan and write, and twice as much space on the page. Trying to keep the action smooth and engaging while also trying to include interesting Doubles strategies is hard.

I feel you fren again
Maybe this is just me personally, but I think this was a micro vs macro thing -- the battles themselves are engaging and fun on a per-chapter basis, but reading the story as multiple chapters in a row makes them feel like they're dragging and confuse easily with each other.

So what do we take away from this? Live and learn, I suppose. In an ideal world I'd go back and rethink the whole arc. As it is, we're one chapter away from finishing so I'm going to press ahead and chalk it up to experience

<3