TEEN: The Long Walk

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 10: The Question

...I actually don't have any clever thing to say here this time, so enjoy these dancing cats. ヽ(ΦωΦヽ) (ﾉΦωΦ)ﾉ ヽ(ΦωΦヽ) (ﾉΦωΦ)ﾉ

The real Meowth slunk round behind his opponent, pounced and delivered a powerful Cut right across its thorax, ripping through a hind wing with a sound like tearing paper. Meowth landed, rolled, and used Double Team again to cover his escape.

. . .

Eve gave no orders of her own – she knew she could trust Meowth to press the attack.

Two things here. First, I enjoy the change of pace from what I typically see, where injuries are real and matter, something others tend to shy away from. Second, I also appreciate that this Meowth has a mind of its own, relying on its own skill and expertise than a parroted list of commands squawked by a trainer. I really do enjoy the battle scenes you set up because of little details like these.

There's also the bit with Pidgeotto using Defog. Eve is a smart cookie, smarter than I expected. Awhile back you mentioned in another thread about how strategy matters less when pokemon have access to more than four moves at a time, and this is a perfect example of that; the impact of this brilliant tactical decision just wouldn't be there if she could throw the kitchen sink at Yanma as well.

Apparently sensing that Pidgeotto could keep him pinned this way, Scyther took flight, darting rapidly under the cone of the Gust.

That said, tactically, this part did bother me a little bit. As established in the line before this one, Scyther is being blown around quite forcefully and I imagine standing on the ground is what's keeping him from tumbling away. I'm not an aerophysicist (if only we knew one of those...), so take this with a grain of salt, but I imagine just lifting off would do the trick in blowing him away entirely. Scyther may be able to fly in high winds, but to start off under high wind? I'm not convinced. I've seen hawks try the same and blow away like tumbleweeds.

Outside of that, I feel like this was the strongest battle yet. It may have dragged a little after Lyra's evolution, but that's just my opinion.

Characters
Another fantastic performance by Meowth, even if it was brief. I can't help but imagine he would have gotten a second wind in that battle if he started mouthing off to the ref. "I'm alright, you bitch!" and the like. Alas, he was defeated.

That bit at the end there, with Eve and Josh awkwardly working the courage up to figure out how to celebrate the fact that they just agreed to be friends. The tension, the tension! These two need to hurry up and bang already.

“Come with me, the time is right! There's no better teeeam!” she sang at him.

“Shut up!” he laughed, giving her a playful shove.

“Arm in arm, we'll win the fight, it's always been our dreeeam!”

Ya know, I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves inserting the lyrics of the theme songs into the world like this. Something about this is so endearing.

Style

Both pokémon attacked, and both missed because they were trying to attack and dodge at the same time.

Something about this line kind of bugged me... I'm not sure how specifically. It definitely works, yet it feels a little... not up to snuff, compared to the rest of the chapter? I'm not sure if that makes any sense, and I'm not sure how to go about fixing it without abusing the semicolon as I love to do.

That is, she showed her teeth.

I think the same can be said of this one. It just feels awkward... It makes me think she's doing one of those psychotic smiles of torment that would normally be followed by the laughter of madness, but I don't think that's what you were going for.

an angry ball of howling fur and claws

Hundreds of translucent yellow diamonds appeared around Yanma, slotting themselves together so that they formed a tessellated box before flashing briefly and disappearing.

Scyther pushed off the ground, holding his right blade out in front of him like a cavalryman's sabre.

Down the Fury Cutters rained, green afterimages whirling in the wake of flashing blades.

God I love description like this! I'm definitely taking notes.

with an aunt and two teenage cousins in the full flowering of their bitchiness

I'm going to give some special recognition to this one. I woke my poor cat up I laughed so hard.

Technical
Overall, well done, as I've come to expect. However, I did pick up on this:

But it was the eyes that were the truly frightening – sharp, intense eyes, eyes that looked at you first as an adversary.

Two ways to make this sentence better: either choose to remove the "the" entirely, or have it preceed "sharp". I think the latter option would give just that extra bit of dramatic edge that this sentence certainly isn't lacking already.

Character responses

“Quick Attack!” Eve yelled.

“Quick Attack!” Bugsy countered.

Careful now, you two, I think this is how speed-based super heroes get their powers.

[Let's do this, Eve! C'mon guy, I ain't scared of you! Whaaaat?] she taunted.

Oh, my sweet summer child...

There was a curious snapping, zapping sound, soft but strangely distinctive. And Lyra started to glow a pure white. Evolution …

Ah, hello, deus ex machina! It's been awhile since I've seen you! I know I usually reserve this section for silliness, but while I'm on this subject... I dunno, it felt kinda cheap, in a way? It looked like Lyra went from 1 HP to full HP as a consequence of the evolution, which felt a tad bit too much to me.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 11: Forging A Friendship

Poor, blind Josh... in more ways than one.

Back for more!

first taking the paddle-ferry from Longwater up the River Esk to Withy End. At Withy End, the Esk was joined by the Withywindle flowing down out of the otherworldly Heartwood. Through the Heartwood, round the Lake of Life Reserve and on through the Ilex Forest to Len Town, following trainer's trails along the way

I appreciate the efforts here to make the world a bigger and less empty place. It's something that sets this story apart from pretty much everything else. But at the same time, without a map... I'm completely lost. I can hardly picture any of this without defaulting to what I know of Johto from the G/S days and assigning the canon locations based on that map.

Characters
Something struck me as odd about Josh's attempt to capture the Bellossom without even battling it. He's still a bit of a novice, but wouldn't he know that you have to weaken it, first? Unless this rule doesn't apply within the confines of The Long Walk.

...and there's a whole scene dedicated to Josh relieving himself against a poor, unsuspecting tree. I couldn't help but laugh at the silliness of it all, especially when Josh zipped up in a panic and caught something. Poor guy.

Overall, this was an excellent chapter for setting the pace of their friendship. As it should be, considering the chapter title. I'll say it, but I'm not super confident about it, so feel free to disregard: the argument between them on the Esk definitely felt authentic, but the emotion didn't quite land for me. Perhaps I don't get into enough one on one arguments with people to understand these emotions, but it felt like the fire could have burned a little hotter. The emotion during the apologies, though, was much more believable.

Style/Description

Most of the village was on the right hand side of the Withywindle, along with the red brick landing stage. Weeping willows dipped their long, tendrilly branches into the water, overhanging the landing stage like huge umbrellas. Eve insisted on taking a photo once they'd disembarked, perhaps trying a bit too hard to be friendly after the last night's argument. The photo showed them side by side, Josh with his arm around Eve's shoulders, dappled by spots of sunlight that found their way through the willowy canopy.

Mmm, god yes. I definitely need to take more notes about description like this, it's like reading a masterpiece painting.

It was taller than the others, the rafflesia blooms on its head a deep, lusty red.

Hmm, interesting interpretation of Bellossom! I myself never imagined the "beautiful" evolution of Gloom to have the most disgusting smelling flowers on the planet sprouting off of its head, especially considering the rest of its appearance is the total opposite of both Gloom and Vileplume. Though as I look at rafflesia flowers in general, they do look right, and I could totally buy the flowers on Bellossom's head being parasites. I like it.

Technical

“... This is what he said, no word of a lie, 'Ladies and gentlemen. I fear the boat is sinking. Would there be anyone among you skilled in prayer?'

The passengers nodded sagely to themselves, aye, prayer's just the thing at a time like this. Anyhow, up steps a young clergyman, and he says, 'Yes captain, I have some small skill in prayer.'

And the captain replies – no word of a lie, I was right there – 'Excellent! You just stand there and pray, while I hand round the life vests. We're one short!'”

Now this whole section really stuck out. I can see that all three lines are one section together, as indicated by the double quotation marks missing from the end of the first and the start of the third lines. As I read it over and over, I'm becoming less and less confused, but at the same time... I do feel like this would be better served as a single paragraph, rather than split in three lines. When I first read it, it almost sounded like Josh had taken over completely as the narrator and was speaking like a bible belt parishioner which felt really weird and completely pulled me out of the story.

Amusing little anecdote, though. Captain Hoster and I could easily get along with this sense of humor.

Character Responses

The captain – a kindly old soul with a beard you could lose a furret in

That's an impressive beard, considering they're five feet long!

You just weren't trying hard enough!

Oooooh, girl! You didn't just say that! You never say that to someone below you on the societal ladder.

“A Love Ball?” Josh said.

“Don't read into it.”

Totally read into it, dude.

Ok, let's recap. There's a girl lying next to me wearing mostly a hoodie. I'm in my pyjamas, and this is, for all intents and purposes, my bed. By rights I should be feeling nervous, and yet I'm not.

Oh no. He's Ash. RIP this OTP. Don't worry, Eve, he definitely won't read into it at this rate.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I think the inherent flaw in tournament arcs is that they rely on this pre-conceived notion that the protagonist has to win so they can [prove their worth/save the world/be a protagonist], and so the focus is more on the protag beating up people and either winning or losing at the end of the day.

This in part links back to what I said about the feedback for the arc. I've tried to write each battle giving the impression that it could be a loss - and that in mind I still refuse to hint at what I have in mind for the next chapter. For some readers it's worked, for others it hasn't. That being said, this:

either Eve carries Josh to victory and finally gets the validation she wants, or Eve loses to some randos. There is no middle option.

creates a problem insofar as it looks like most people expect a loss to be too much of a damp squib for me to bother with.

Maybe this is just me personally, but I think this was a micro vs macro thing -- the battles themselves are engaging and fun on a per-chapter basis, but reading the story as multiple chapters in a row makes them feel like they're dragging and confuse easily with each other.

It's a fair point. That's the problem with serial storytelling, and it doesn't hurt to have a second perspective from someone who can read multiple chapters in a row.

Two things here, etc

Oh, good! In short. I'm hoping you'll enjoy the battles in general, then, because I keep writing with that sort of battle in mind. Incidentally for my notes I keep to a list of six moves total. I've found that's enough to keep some flexibility with how each battle plays out, but not so many that it renders strategy redundant.

That said, tactically, this part did bother me a little bit.

It's a fair point. Possibly it would make more sense for Scyther to allow itself to be carried backwards with the Gust at first. Flies in general cope pretty well with that, but I'm struggling to remember whether I've seen a dragonfly flying in a stiff wind.

That bit at the end there, with Eve and Josh awkwardly working the courage up to figure out how to celebrate the fact that they just agreed to be friends. The tension, the tension! These two need to hurry up and bang already.

That's easily one of my favourite scenes. I ought to bring more of Eve's inner monologue into future chapters as/when I edit them. It was originally supposed to be idiosyncratic of her narrative, but I ended up dropping it for some reason.

Will not confirm banging.

Two ways to make this sentence better: either choose to remove the "the" entirely, or have it preceed "sharp".

Blast. That was a typo.

Something struck me as odd about Josh's attempt to capture the Bellossom without even battling it. He's still a bit of a novice, but wouldn't he know that you have to weaken it, first? Unless this rule doesn't apply within the confines of The Long Walk.

Ironically I did have an extended scene in mind for this, but I ended up summarising it in the final piece because it was taking up an extra 1,000 words. Do you think I'd have been better off going for the longer one?

Perhaps I don't get into enough one on one arguments with people to understand these emotions, but it felt like the fire could have burned a little hotter.

Arguments seem to a consistent blind spot of mine. I've had that one down on the list for revisiting for some time, but I'm never really sure what I want to do with it

 

[Misfit Angel]

Ironically I did have an extended scene in mind for this, but I ended up summarising it in the final piece because it was taking up an extra 1,000 words. Do you think I'd have been better off going for the longer one?

If timing and spacing weren't a concern, I'd say go for it. However, this chapter already appears to be one of the lengthier ones... Shortening the battle (without summarizing) might be a way to do it, but might also leave readers unsatisfied with what they thought would be a full scene. I'm not sure which to go for.

Arguments seem to a consistent blind spot of mine. I've had that one down on the list for revisiting for some time, but I'm never really sure what I want to do with it

With your style of having focus characters and getting into only their mind, it might be difficult. I think in this case, it went by almost too casually. The back and forth definitely gave the illusion of the heated argument, but at the same time, stopping to visit with Josh's internal thoughts after every insult (or at least the heavy hitters) could help alleviate this.

 

[Arkadelphiak]

I'm back for round two, Pavell. Come at me.

I.

I, me.

It’s the first thought I have, every time I return to my Poké Ball. Like waking up from a dream. I, me. Bulbasaur. It is both who and what I am.

It is always peaceful, here. Like waking up from a dream, I remember the things I did in the physical world. If I chose to, I could push against the circles of the Poké Ball, struggle against the lock that held me in. But I never do. Instead, sometimes I perceive some of what goes on outside. I can hear my trainer, talking to me.

I, me.

I.

I've noticed that your prelude hasn't changed much at all-- this is a good sign that you're satisfied with it. And I am too!

He cursed vaguely

How is he cursing vaguely?

For over a hundred years, this town had been the beating industrial heart of Johto, a town that was black with smoke by day and red with flame by night. Once, she had mined coal, forged steel, launched zeppelins and built railways. With generations of industry came a pantheon of elohim, spirits of steel and soot and ringing hammers.

Okay, this review is probably going to devolve into me saying 'good shite', but I'd like to preface it. Your writing style has an easy-going-ness to it, you know? You know exactly how to slow down the prose and make every word count. That's not something you see every day (I too, am guilty of rushing the prose). You're one of the best writers on the WW, for sure.

Inevitably, the town went into decline. The potency of the town’s pulsing industry would not last forever. It was generally held that the town’s prosperity had waned during the seventies, but the rust had begun to set in well before then. Most of the industry had disappeared, leaving behind empty factories, derelict foundries, and the gods they had created.

A British Johto? You sure this isn't Rust Belt America?

Both the pubs had closed, half the cafés were boarded up – ah, but the pawnshop was still going strong, along with the ‘All-Night Tailor’ that was fooling no-one.

I wanted to mention that I heard your 'voice' when I read this sentence. 10/10.

The Bathhouse’s main bath usually had a distinct air of faded grandeur to it. It didn’t help that a palazzo-style, Alto Marean design for a hot spring bath was out of date when it was new. Today the wavering steam was backlit by late afternoon sun slanting through the big arch windows, turning it into a luminous fog.

I'm no architecture expert, but this is some good shite.

What changed? Essentially it had started back in high school. In his fifth year, the careers advisor had convinced him to pursue Modern Kalosian at sixth form. Her reasoning made sense – plenty of companies did business with Kalos, she’d said, and they all needed Kalosian speakers. Two years later, he went on to study Kalosian at Mulberry University. Pretty damn successfully, actually. Academically, anyway. Studying in a class stuffed exclusively with Townie girls made for an awkward time fitting in. That more or less described his year abroad in Lumiose as well, come to think of it.

Poor thing. At least Josh has a document to prove his worldliness.

His careers advisor was right, after a fashion. The problem was that the companies hiring fresh-faced, linguistically capable graduates were all based in Goldenrod or Olivine City. Living in Goldenrod was expensive enough; moving there, a small fortune for a working-class boy from Saltwells. He managed to make some money by continuing his university job as a bike courier, but the hours were very inconsistent and the pay thoroughly unimpressive anyway.

Another good example of worldbuilding-- you've nailed the modern global economy. Small towns (with a manufacturing background) simply cannot compete. It's a problem not many are willing to address, so I commend you for it.

The town below was a distant murmur, the loudest sounds on the hill the crisp breeze and Josh’s footfalls. A skeletal, twiggy yew tree stood vigil on the high meadow, untroubled by butcher’s chainsaws – who would dare fell a yew

MORE GOOD SHITE

He could even clearly see the factories at Blakenall, koffing bobbing around the chimneys like peas in boiling water.

Now THIS is some good mental imagery!

A male furret scrambled in earnest pursuit of a female.

plz do not let a black-haired teenager beat the absolute shit out of him

It’s a dangerous business, going out your door. If you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might get swept off to.

Josh smiled wryly, and followed the green road into the trees.

Aww, I remember this from before. As for your concern about the emotional impact (on both Josh and the reader), I think you've done a fine job. TLW shines in its characters. I believe --like most stories-- the real improvements are needed in the middle of the story. You've mentioned that the tourney arc is killing your enthusiasm-- welp, there's the problem. Go after that instead. Nonetheless, you've done a great job.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 12: Heart of the Heartwoods

After a lengthy hiatus, I finally return! Let's get to it!

I liked a lot about this chapter. Large parts of it felt just right. Others felt a bit weak. I'll go over both. Some of this may be out of order, as my note-taking was done on napkins at a family gathering that I had no interest in participating in.

First, the call from Gabriella Joy. The call made sense, Gabby wants to protect her daughter from a man she doesn't know, but I don't feel like the transition into the call really worked that well. The only saving grace I have for the accepting the transition between browsing for goods and picking up a call is that Gabby said that the Joys have eyes and ears everywhere. My best guess is that the nurse here blabbed about running into Josh?

Josh came from a large extended family. The Cook clan often feuded amongst themselves, apparently just to give themselves something to do at family gatherings.

There's something amusing about this, I was reading this chapter at my gathering, and my family were doing the exact same. That got a chuckle out of me, I was reading my own life as it was happening around me. Who can have the most extreme opinion A about controversial topic B?

Sir William Fairfax
This scene was... strange, to me. Perhaps I didn't get the best feel for the Heartwoods as I was reading along, but to have a knight come out of nowhere, guarding a shitty little bridge over a creek that someone could step over... it just felt so out of left field, especially since he was talking as you'd expect a stereotypical knight to talk. Speaking of how he talks, I feel like there was an unnecessary amount of references to his helmet making his voice echo or sound metallic. I think I counted three before I felt it was too much, and the battle scene had only just begun.

Speaking of the battle scene, he guards this bridge and challenges all who want to cross it. It's a silly quest, but one he takes seriously. But what does he do when someone else comes along while he's challenging someone for the right to cross? Pause the fight and give the new person the whole act again? Ask that they wait in line? Let them go? I'm having a lot of fun imagining this guy's day to day life as he guards this bridge and deals with differing levels of traffic.

“Then you'll get muddy won't you,”

I don't know why, but this tickled me. This guy role playing the Black Knight giving such thoughtful yet silly advice.

Caerbannog

I had a feeling as soon as the knight said "none shall pass" but after seeing him name his white rabbit this, I have to ask: you watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail while writing this chapter, didn't you? Too much struck me as familiar, and I half expected Eve to start blowing things up and call herself Tim.

The whole battle scene felt a bit weird and out of place, anyways, since it ended so abruptly and without consequence. The consequences would have been too great had Josh not scuppered the battle in the Black Knight's favor, but the fact that he got tossed into the creek by a little girl after he refused to let them pass made me question what the point even was. That said, showcasing the two getting closer over it, or rather Eve's choice of words, was a nice touch that salvaged what felt like an unnecessary addition.

That said, William Fairfax, while a bit of a stereotype, is just the right type of interesting to make his bizarre inclusion in this story feel like a decent choice.

Characters
Bulbasaur - The idea of a Bulbasaur eating dirt for breakfast tickles me. It makes sense, since he's a plant.

The mating Pikachu duo - I must say, I didn't quite expect to see such references in this story, at least not at this point. I'd be told subjects like that get brought up, but later on. Still, I cracked a smile at the female Pikachu getting angry at Josh for cockblocking her.

Ursaring - I loved it! I simply love it when a big threatening animal like a bear is shown to be gentle and understanding. I knew right from the start that Josh wasn't in danger despite being naked and afraid (the plot demands it, after all), but the way you handled how soft the Ursaring was worked well.

Josh and Eve - The emotion between them as they prepared and shared their breakfast was hearteningly sweet. I feel like you struck a good chord here, it worked.

Josh understanding Bulbasaur - This is that bond that Josh was hoping for and I'm happy he's finally achieved it. I do like the subtle nuances to it, as we see that he can't understand Magnemite yet, nor Eve's Meowth.

Style and Technical
Technical I did not keep a close eye on. I was reading this on a dim phone screen in a loud room, probably the worst circumstances I can think of, so my focus wasn't the best. However, I did notice:

Eve tossed a Poké Ball in the air, expanded it, and caught it in one smooth motion.

This is written both before and after a break. I think cutting the second one would work best in this situation. Moving the first one to before her saying "So are you" would help, too.

I noticed that Josh (and by extension the reader) couldn't see something that Eve reacted to, which is a nice touch. I've been looking out for this ever since the idea of focus chapters came into play.

Details
I'll talk about the Pineco for a bit. I get that it's a game mechanic and quite an iconic thing for Pineco to do, especially when they're weak, but I wonder if them self-destructing so readily really needs to be carried over into the realm of fanfiction. Thinking about it from a biological standpoint, what good does it serve? They're not protecting family or a colony, they're just throwing their lives away.

I did like the anti-pokeball stick armor idea, though, that's actually really clever. I do have to wonder why Eve relied on her pokemon to take care of the armor, though, as all they seem to do is run away or commit suicide. She could just rush up to it, curb stomp it to break the armor (and several "bones, I guess") and retreat back to a safe distance as she runs by.

Josh's spear - Nothing wrong here, I think it's another clever idea. But I'm wondering how common his usage of electrical tape would really be. By virtue of my profession I'm always within an arm's length of a roll of it, but would a non-tradesman really have some of his own? I just don't know enough to know if I should be okay with him happening to have it on hand.

Other
So, in the Atlas at the bottom, you mention grinding acorns. I'm not sure if this is a difference between American and English trees, but I do know that my local breed of acorn has dangerous amounts of arsenic in them. My mother learned that the hard way when she made acorn pancakes as a kid. In short, kids, always do your research before you pop something in your mouth.

That's it for now. I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I think that feeling is a consequence of the circumstances in which I did my reading.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 13: Deep in the Deepwoods

Hmm, a forest that's dark as night at high noon, where have I heard of such a place before?

Whoops! I read this chapter a couple weeks ago but never put my review of it together. I read it the same day as the previous chapter under the same conditions: dim phone screen, loud room full of angry/happy family members. Things will probably be out of order and disjointed, and I may have even misplaced one of the napkins on which I wrote my notes by now, so this is gonna be a mess. Anyways, on with it!

I found it both silly and amusing that they're still carrying Josh's pokeball spear seemingly days or a week later. It was practical for the sole purpose of poking at the holes in Pineco's armor, and unless Eve intends to stab everything she meets with it, it seems like dead weight to carry around... Unless it's sturdy enough to serve as a walking stick, too?

arms folded tightly – no easy feat – across her chest.

aaaaaand it begins! I believe this is the first joke such as this... or at least the first that I remember.

I distinctly remember last chapter wondering if Eve was aware that her family was spying on her and Josh, Josh specifically. Without much wording put into it, we get a confirmation of that.

The flagpole that rises above the trees struck me as odd when I first read about it. Later on in the chapter we see how useful it was, but at the start, it felt like such a wasted landmark. It's not something the average person will see through the trees, as the average person probably isn't going to monkey their way up to the canopy to look for it when they're lost.

Now, Josh's reactions to the mysterious girl. I can see why he would rush to help someone who's crying in the woods, but he should be hesitant at the same time. The sense of urgency and needing to help others probably clouded his judgement, but... It just felt like such an obvious trap, even to inexperienced me. So I went home and did a bit of reading on wilderness search and rescue protocol, and very rarely will a person who's lost and in trouble be crying about it. They'll usually call out for help instead.

On the other hand, using a crying woman or child is actually a very effective method for robbers and scammers to ensnare their victims. In the end that worked out as the source of the crying was something that was looking to take advantage of and curse our heroes. I don't know if anything needs to be changed, but it felt a little too obvious to me right out of the gate.

the right was rather narrower, thick beset with thorns and briars

I believe you want thickly beset here?

“Shall I get the bone polish then?”

God damn, girl. I know you're not exactly confident in Josh's ability to navigate a maze-like forest, but that's not helpful.

The forest fire... It felt oddly unthreatening despite the lovely and effective description used for it. Eve's growing fear (also well written) didn't really add to the drama. It felt a bit too sudden, but I guess that can be the nature of a forest fire... Josh figuring it out almost instantly and barely reacting to any of it felt odd, as well. I think this is where the chapter suffers the most, seeing as it's written from Eve's perspective. We can't get into Josh's mind to see why he just didn't seem to care at all about the threat of an agonizing death. He stopped in his tracks, yes, as you would... but he had it figured out before even really being given time for the gears to turn in his head.

This is a minor thing as I was able to keep track of it still, but I'm wondering if it'd be wise to clarify Illusion Eve's actions and dialogue specifically with the "illusion" tag. You did the first few times, then specifically referred to her as Eve for the rest of the chapter, I believe. I dunno, minor thing at the end of the day but maybe something to consider.

To her surprise, Josh actually blushed. “The eyes. They were the wrong shade of blue.”

I keep loving these little hints.

Overall, a strong chapter minus the weirdness around the forest fire bit. The unfortunate thing is that parts of this chapter really require being told from Eve's perspective in order to be effective, while the rest of it could be told much more strongly from Josh's perspective. I'm not sure what could be done about that without abandoning the perspective structure you've been working with, and when it comes down to it, if you ever did plan to rewrite this one from the ground up, I'm not sure who best would serve as the focus character in it.

 

[Beth Pavell]

And response time. Finally. In a general sense there are bits and pieces here and there which you pointed out for tidying up, and they've been added to the post-Awards edit list.

First, the call from Gabriella Joy. The call made sense, Gabby wants to protect her daughter from a man she doesn't know, but I don't feel like the transition into the call really worked that well. The only saving grace I have for the accepting the transition between browsing for goods and picking up a call is that Gabby said that the Joys have eyes and ears everywhere. My best guess is that the nurse here blabbed about running into Josh?

I've been thinking recently about whether I would insist on keeping to one point-of-view in each chapter, if I were to do it again. I don't think it's really caused any major problems, but it does throw up niggles that I'm not sure I'm happy leaving alone. This is one of them. It seems like the quickest and easiest way for Gabriella to meddle would be to simply e-mail every Centre in the shire and ask to be called when Josh shows up. There's another one you mentioned in the next chapter, though I'm more inclined to blame that on my writing.

About Sir William. I could claim it's a reference to the various weirdos you battle in the games, but it's being silly, and silly Monty Python references at that. You see, the point of the battle is to show ongoing character development ... so it occurred to me that since the outcome doesn't matter, I may as well make a joke of it.

Thinking about it from a biological standpoint, what good does it serve? They're not protecting family or a colony, they're just throwing their lives away.

Depends how you view Self-Destruct, I suppose. A fatal Self-Destruct could be argued as being useful to teach predators that Pineco are too much trouble to eat - albeit not one with a hair trigger. But I see it as an attack sufficiently powerful that it leaves Pineco unconscious and unresponsive. Still risky in the grand scheme of things, but it would justify them being more liberal about it.

But I'm wondering how common his usage of electrical tape would really be.

It's possible we may be thinking about different kinds of tape ... I'm thinking of those small rolls of strong black tape you can get, perhaps an inch wide. I think you're right that most trainers wouldn't have some to hand regardless.

So, in the Atlas at the bottom, you mention grinding acorns

Possibly that's down to pollution. Acorns are a bit of a pain in the arse to prepare, though our Neolithic ancestors presumably considered the sheer abundance of acorns enough reason to do it. They ought to be leached first, anyway, to get rid of the bitter tannins. Back then they weren't dusted with heavy metals from car exhausts, of course.

I distinctly remember last chapter wondering if Eve was aware that her family was spying on her and Josh, Josh specifically. Without much wording put into it, we get a confirmation of that.

Does that make up for the awkwardness introducing it in Chapter Twelve?

Josh's reactions to the mysterious girl

Did you start shouting warnings at the screen? No, you're quite right, sobbing isn't a usual reaction to being lost and panicking. I just didn't think Josh would know that. In a more general sense, though, how did that affect your perception of the atmosphere in this chapter?

I believe you want thickly beset here?

Oh, that's deliberate. Sneaky reference the Ballad of Thomas the Rhymer

 

[Ambyssin]

Hello! I'm here to provide post-awards feedback for you. I apologize in advance for how long this is. But, well, this is a long-runner and I did manage to read it in its entirety.

Preface
Prior to joining Bulbagarden I actually hadn't read many journey fics at all. I followed two that were anime-based on FFN and a few on Serebii, but the latter ones did not fit what I learned is the "OTJ archetype." So, I didn't really have the best idea of what the "prototypical trainer journey fic" is like. That either makes me a great person to offer feedback on this or the absolute wrong person in the world. It doesn't help that this story has been around longer than I've been a participant in the Pokémon fandom in general. I hope my feedback is of some help to you.

Plot
The premise here is a trainer journey taking more of a "slice of life" approach than your average trainer story, which I would imagine tries to follow the games' examples of "be the very best like no one ever was and thwart a bunch of criminals in the process." Your introductory notes draw attention to self-discovery being a vital part of this experience. Initially, as I was reading this, I was reminded of something else that I couldn't put my finger on. About a couple of chapters in, when Josh and Eve are reuniting in Azalea Town and their chemistry is beginning to form, it finally struck me. This fic initially feels, to me, like a mash-up of Pokémon and the collection of John Hughes movies released in the 80s. I strongly doubt that's what you were going for, but the generally tepid flow of events and greater focus on quieter moments with the two lead characters brought Mr. Hughes to mind.

The story itself isn't exactly original, of course, but it is relatable. Wanting to find your niche in the world and define relationships on your own terms are two essential parts of the late teenage and early adulthood years. I was reminded of Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, specifically identity vs. role-confusion (in the early part of the story where we don't really have a sense of what Josh or Eve want out of their lives) and intimacy vs. isolation (as the two start to travel together and forge a tighter bond). For what it's worth, there are times it felt like I was reading through a novelization of a romantic comedy or a flic you'd find at, say, Sundance or Cannes. I do think some of Josh's and Eve's interactions are corny, like the sitcom-esque scene in chapter 14 where Eve looks ready to chew Josh out for talking to her mom, only to fake him out and give him kudos... or the creation of Eve's pet-name (Eevee) in chapter 15. Those moments definitely felt cliché; I've seen them dozens of times in dozens of universes and nothing about them stood out in this fic.

That gripe aside, early on in the fic, there are also chapters that feel like they were ripped right out of the anime. The chapter where Josh stays with a kind couple and finds a Magnemite messing with their generator comes to mind. I liked those moments for the faithfulness to the source material, in a manner of speaking. I think you're successful in establishing the quieter tone of this story and making Josh's and Eve's journey feel like something I could actually do if Pokémon existed in our world. The interludes hint that something larger is lurking in the background, but I can't really fathom a guess when that stuff will come into play.

With that said, the more grounded tone of the story's first twenty chapters make certain things stand out in a bad way for me. And these little issues I have are compounded by decisions you chose to make in regards to the flow of the plot. To start off with, the Pokéspeech mechanic is never really explained well. Eve casually tosses a line out to Josh about eventually coming to understand Bulbasaur and then, wouldn't you know it, he does! There's no fanfare… no concrete explanation as to the mechanics behind this. I was just expted to roll with it, which I have a hard time doing given the more realistic style you set up in the first several chapters. There's one other issue I have with this, but I'll address it in characterization. More minor examples would include Eve lunging at a self-destructing Pineco to catch it (that's a very Ash thing to do), the Pidgeotto with Motor Drive (if this a Thunder Armor gag or reference, it fell flat), the direct reference to the special attack stat in the middle of a battle (I am never a fan of the concrete stats from the games showing up in prose like this, it makes little sense to me and sucks me out of the story), and the whole Ninetales seduction scene (why would a Ninetales know how to seduce a male human? Where did she learn this? I feel like you're drawing from Dex logic, but this is one of those head-scratching instances to me).

Then we get to the Goldenrod arc and the wheels start to fall off the proverbial wagon for me. I seem to recall you venting some frustrations about this arc on Discord and I did not know what to make of it at the time. I definitely understand now. So, we've got a tournament arc with a premise that feels like it could show up in the Pokémon anime: it's a doubles tourney for women-only and Eve decides to enter with Josh… by having Josh pass for a woman. I'll address that aspect in more detail in characterization. I just want to say upfront that I am not opposed to tournament arcs. In fact, I enjoyed the battles you provided a lot. It's clear a lot of foresight and thought went into them and I had fun reading them with some high-octane game music playing in the background. Adding in the audience and some snarky refs made me remember all my trips to sporting events and I was grinning like a kid at a candy story while reading the intro to the final round.

However, I think your handling of the arc as a whole is a bit shaky. Sure, the story's gone on for awhile already, but I think you ramped things up too quickly. The quieter, reflective tone of the early chapters disappeared and the tourney itself made this fic feel a lot like what I'd expect a generic trainer fic to be like: action, but at the expense of flat characters. To start with, the premise for the tournament is something that bugged me the entire time I read it… especially because Beth has Josh refer to his 'mons by name a few instances during the later rounds. How has he managed to go so long without someone realizing what he's doing? His dad has been shown to know who his team is and watches battles on TV. Eve's Aunt Immey knows about Josh and, presumably, the 'mons he has. Tyler knows Josh's full team, too, and his girlfriend apparently competed. You really mean to tell me that neither Josh nor Eve considered the possibility someone could watch their battles (or read about them) and put two and two together? The odds of Eve finding a girl who just so happens to have the exact same three 'mons as Josh (and can speak fluent Kalosian, too!) seem infinitesimally small, if you ask me. Maybe I'm just crazy – no one brought this up in a single review – but this feels like a glaring oversight. My willful suspension of disbelief fell apart by the quarterfinals. Someone should've caught on to the ruse by now. Otherwise family members are gripping the Idiot Ball tightly and/or there are too many contrived coincidences at work for me to just roll with the punches.

And with that specter hovering over the tournament, I found a couple of other things that rubbed me the wrong way. The first being that, unless I missed something, the tournament rules themselves were never clearly explained. I expected nothing but a few rounds of double battles… only to be blindsided by a preliminary part with a round robin bracket akin to the World Cup's group play stage. Considering it lengthened the arc and you could've instead used that time to, say, flesh out the other competitors so the tourney would have a more dynamic cast with even-higher stakes, I'd advise adding a clear part about the rules (or pointing me to where they are). Next is that the battles themselves are progressively getting over-the-top. Normally I like that, but the Meowtic summoning an ice serpent is something I thought didn't gel with the tone you had given us.

What brings it all to a head for me is the fact that, for all the nail-biting moments and teamwork struggles Josh and Eve have… we don't see it reflect their relationship. Perhaps it's all being saved for the ending of this arc? Still, I entered the arc expecting to see their relationship seriously challenged. I honestly figured it's why you went through the trouble of doing this. That hasn't happened yet, though.

The end result is that I found this fic steady and focused for its first twenty or so chapters – yes, including the opening chapters that you've said multiple times you dislike due to having written them on the fly – only to hit a rocky patch with its recent arc that's left things cloudy for me as far as where this is going to go. Eve has mentioned the Silver Conference a few times, but I came out of this with the distinct impression this journey would not be going the distance, so to speak.

Setting
Let me get a personal gripe out of the way first. I love Johto's aesthetics and mythos. To me, it's the one pre-3D region that really had a unique cultural identity you could feel throughout its many locales. With that in mind, I was disappointed you chose to replace all of that with a Pokémon world take on the United Kingdom. I would've greatly preferred you had gone with an original region, even if you had Johto's "map layout" in the back of your mind. I think you could've easily done it, especially since A) you pull in obscure anime/movie locations only the most diehard Pokémon fans would spot and, thus, no one would get upset if they popped up in an original region, and B) the few canon characters we've seen don't really resemble their canon portrayals (e.g. Falkner is without his trademark Pidgeotto).

I'm not going to knock the fic for it, though. Because your quintessentially British Johto is handled so well I guarantee it will suck in anyone who reads this fic. Everything you see here is given rich, fluid descriptions, from the towering trees of Ilex Forest's Deepwood to the hustle and bustle of Goldenrod City, which gave me King's Cross Station vibes with the trains and made me feel like I was at Centre Court watching a Wimbledon match with its portrayals of the battle arenas for the Tigerlily Tournament. The phrase "scenery porn" was tossed about frequently in reviews I glanced at and I cannot deny this to be true. Some of the descriptions do get a bit infodumpy (the revised prelude's history of Mulberry Town comes to mind). And many go way over my head because I'm not familiar with the topography of the UK… and your vocabulary far exceeds mine (sorry, don't know what a furlough is without a dictionary). But that's okay! I could still visualize the lush greenery of the forest or the roaring stadiums in Goldenrod filled with screaming fans.

A setting is more than just descriptions, though, and you clearly know this. You go beyond the extra mile to create a rich British-Johto culture. Whether it's adapting the loch ness monster fables into Lugia's mythos, showcasing radio and newspaper clips that bring things like the BBC or The Guardian to mind, having large crowds for battles that break into singsongy cheers like they were at a soccerfootball match, the Hoenn Festival which fills the National Park with vendors and customs from Hoenn, or the May Day celebration, complete with prayers at a humble shrine and a performance in the park. You that there's more to your take on Johto than travelling and battling with Pokémon. It even goes into little details, like designing various pubs and bistros we see Josh and Eve eating at. Too many instances you made me go grab a snack while reading. That one kilogram I put on in July is your fault.

In short, if you want a story whose setting you can get lost in, read this one. My words can't do it justice.

Characterization
At this point, the characterization of the story begins and ends with Josh and Eve. I'd say they've gotten about 95% of the character development so far. So, I'd like to address the other 5% before diving into the meat here. It's… not much. The remaining development has gone to the Pokémon… and even then it's the bare minimum. Early on, we're simply told through random chunks of exposition that, say, "Josh grew closer to Bulbasaur by battling." You opt not to show this stuff and instead ask me to just roll with it when Josh suddenly can understand Bulbasaur. There didn't seem to be any important event to trigger that… it just happened. I don't want to say the Pokémon are an afterthought here, especially with how many battles there have been of late. But it really did feel like the 'mons are solely in the story at this point to fight battles. Of the Pokémon we see, Screwball has the only real definable character arc, while the rest are left to display behaviors during battles. And they each only have one trait I could pick out.

However, they have it better than the human supporting cast. At this point, anyone who isn't Josh or Eve has felt very one-note. While I can understand going with that route for, say, Tyler (who follows the "douchebag rival" archetype lock-step), it's egregious during the Goldenrod arc. You did not give me a clear sense of what any of the other girls were fighting for. Prestige, maybe. But that's about it. There's a scene where the "main rivals," Georgia and Laura, invite all the quarterfinalists to a gathering. It doesn't serve much purpose other than to briefly describe each girl and give them a line or two that shows their gimmick. This is compounded by what are, in my opinion, some missed opportunities on your part. For example, rather than having Josh and Eve battle Casey and Morgan in the quarterfinals, who they've already had negative interactions with, you chose to pit them against Sisters Ginnie and Mara. The former could've created higher stakes and dramatic tension. The latter option made things feel rather empty. The battle was good, but the stakes didn't feel as high as they should've for a tournament.

Anyway, onto the stars of the show. Let's start with Eve, who's progressively taken center stage as the fic has gone on. The closest I had to Rebel Joy experience before reading Eve was that one Nurse Joy who's a gym inspector in the anime (who's the best Joy because she's got a Latias, fuck yeah). So, Eve feels very original to me. Her familial black sheep status and her desire to be her own person are struggles that I can relate to… and I think others can, too. It's not played up for the sake of drama, either. Each terse exchange with a fellow Joy feels like a legitimate family argument I could imagine myself having. Her energy and enthusiasm are quite contagious, as shown through her interactions with Josh. And I like that about her. Some of her lines make her sound a bit like she's the romantic lead in a film, but that might be the point. What I really like, too, is how you've drip-fed little tidbits that add new layers to Eve's character, like the fact she dropped out of nursing college or her religious views that pop up in the Goldenrod arc. They're interesting and, perhaps more importantly, implemented in an organic way that makes Eve feel like she could jump out of my computer screen.

Josh, similarly, feels like the kind of guy you could grab a beer with, as corny as it sounds. He's got an everyman shtick going on about him, trying his best to take everything in stride while he figures out what kind of future he wants to have. I appreciate how soft-spoken he can be, as well as some of the "aw shucks, gee whiz" moments he has, especially when the subject of sex comes up and he gets extremely uncomfortable. Again, very relatable. However, compared to Eve, I don't quite think Josh's characterization is handled as well, for a few different reasons. First off is that, for some of the insecurities we've seen, nothing really seems to rattle Josh all that much. What I mean is that he's almost-immediately rebounded from every misstep he's made in the story so far. Perhaps he's displaying this British stiff upper lift stereotype? You made the narrative decision to have Josh idolize Lorelei and her "icy cold demeanor" in battle, which brought that idea to mind. This means that Josh becomes a bit of a robot during battle situations. We never see him terribly nervous or upset… and even when that stuff does happen (say, after a conversation with his dad), we return to the status quo very quickly.

And I think part of my problem with that has to do with your decisions about whose POV to give us for a chapter. Initially, I thought you handled it well, with the exception of the gym battles. We got Eve's perspective for most of Josh's fight with Bugsy… and then again for Falkner. I think the intention was to build up the mystery surrounding Josh's tactics. Instead, I just found myself frustrated you were continuously depriving me of insight I would've appreciated into how Josh thinks and behaves during battles. This issue gets compounded substantially by the Goldenrod arc. The lead up to the arc made it very clear this tournament was about Eve making a name for herself. The problem is… it's Josh's situation that held my interest and, in my opinion, had a lot more potential for engaging me as the reader.

Unfortunately, by sticking almost-exclusively to Eve's POV, I feel you missed out on these opportunities. We only get passing mentions of Josh's disguise making him uncomfortable… along with only a throwaway line or two about the crowd making him nervous. I would've greatly preferred to see those things in action… to see them taking a mental toll on him and how he was forcing himself to push on for Eve's sake. We have a guy who A) plays things"by the book" and B) gets very nervous when it comes to girls and sex… and his friend wants him to pretend to be a girl to compete in a tournament. This should be pushing him way outside his comfort zone... but you wouldn't know that from reading the story. He's got to be feeling something, but it's left to my imagination. Another missed opportunity comes with the introduction of Josh's psychosensitivity. What was going on in his head while Meowstic was bringing him to his knees? I honestly wanted to know, but that will sadly be nothing more than a pipe dream. When we finally do get his perspective, it's in the finals… and even then, it's mostly focused on the battle and little else. And that was one chapter I actually wanted to have Eve's POV for, which just compounded my frustrations. Of course, you could be saving her POV for the second half of the battle. Still, I wasn't a fan of the decision from a narrative standpoint.

That leads me into a point I brought up earlier in the Plot section: the lack of conflict between Josh and Eve. Don't get me wrong, they have great chemistry together. Their dialogue is addictingly snappy when they're playing off each other, and that's coming from someone who tends not to like mushy-gushy stuff like that. The issue is that they go so well together that your attempts thus far to create some conflict for them have felt half-hearted. It's consisted of just a couple of arguments where they almost immediately made up. I went into the Goldenrod arc expecting their relationship to be tested… and possibly end up strained as a result of the stress. But that hasn't happened. Aside from a couple of fleeting comments about how their teamwork might not be as good as they thought, it's been business as usual. I kept expecting some sort of conflict to brew… but nothing happened. Maybe you're waiting to blow me out of the water with the fallout from everyone discovering what Josh did. Unfortunately, I can't judge based on hypotheticals. As it stands, the Goldenrod arc felt like a step backwards for me in the characterization department.

Writing Style & Technical Elements
I'm sure you didn't intend this, but out of the gate the prose was difficult for me to get into. You toss around a lot of fancier words that I'd need a dictionary or Google for. Early on, I formed this impression that the prose, especially in the prelude, was a deliberate barrier designed to keep people who aren't at a twelfth grade or higher reading level as far away from the story as possible. It was really the overuse of nontraditional words that did it for me. It bogged the pace down considerably, especially with the opening chapters. Personal taste probably factors in, too. I like stories where the narration sounds like something I'd hear in an actual conversation… not a lecture from a professor at a university.

However, as the story has gone on, I've noticed that you've changed the prose. These "SAT words" aren't popping up nearly as much, but your descriptions haven't lost a step in my opinion. Your scene setting paragraphs are still decorative, informative, and poetic. In battle, the prose is lively. You paint a clear picture of what each move looks like, allowing me to visualize every element of the battle. Unlike some, I could follow chaotic moments in the Tigerlily tournament. The only exceptions were the ice serpent and the ending of chapter 28, where things got a bit muddled because you tried to intersperse a poetic internal monologue from Josh into the actual battle. Otherwise, I really think that, after some initial bumps in the first half-dozen chapters where large words make the pacing drag, you find your footing and gave us prose that's engaging and lively, despite the fic's slower pace.

As far as technical stuff, nothing popped out to me. The only issue I spotted was that, sometimes, you have a tendency to put the POV character's thoughts in the same paragraph as a different character's dialogue, confusing me. I spotted this in chapters 9 and 11.

Closing Thoughts
Looking back at all my notes and feedback, I feel like The Long Walk is two different fics that somehow got spliced together. More recently, we've been treated to an action-filled spectacle that can only be differentiated from other trainer fics by the occasional worldbuilding scene. It's a shame, because the first twenty-someodd chapters succeed in your stated goal of telling a story about two young adults coming of age and trying to find their places in the world... with Pokémon. I don't know where you are going to take the story when the Goldenrod arc wraps up, but I hope you can find a way to channel the more grounded tone this story originally had. If you have any questions, just let me know. Best of luck going forward and thanks for sharing this. ^^

 

[Misfit Angel]

Apologies for this being late. I did intend to format it similarly to my other reviews, but... well, time slipped away from me.

The Long Walk
Plot

• What is the plot?

The plot is fairly simple, as one would expect from a slice-of-life story: two trainers come together for a journey across a reimagine Johto. Both hope to make it successfully as competitive trainers, so that they can leave their old lives behind; Josh was sick of his day to day life of being a hobbyist jewelcrafter, while Eve was looking to distance herself from the family practice of medicine. Through the story, they become friends, growing closer and closer as time goes on.

It's fairly laid back. As far as I can tell, there is no epic plot bubbling away in the background. No villains bent on destruction or grand plans of domination. The only real hints at a major villain, or at least an antagonist, are found in Evelina's mother, Gabriella Joy. She doesn't represent a threat to the world or the physical safety of the protagonists, but is a constant and uncomfortable thorn in both of their sides, and I think her contribution towards the overall plot is pretty great despite her minor role.

• Is the plot original?

Both yes and no. The very core of the plot is one that's been done to death a million times: Boy Trainer and Girl Trainer travel together through Johto in an attempt to earn all eight badges and succeed at the Silver Conference. However, the details and choices the author makes sets it far apart from most other trainer/journey fics that focus on Johto.

• If the plot is full of clichés, does the author present them in a new, interesting way?

I'm not fully up on clichés, as I tend not to worry about them in my own writing, and my reading isn't as broad as it could be. I won't say that The Long Walk is full of clichés, but those that are present are handled well and in what I assume to be fairly unique ways. The child who wants to escape the family career path is one that is featured heavily, but I do think there's some uniqueness to the way it's handled; Evelina doesn't want to be a nurse like the rest of her family, but she's not afraid to use her knowledge of medicine to her advantage. In situations like that, most authors tend to reach for the extreme notion that someone looking for an escape will refuse to learn or acknowlege what they're looking to avoid.

Another cliché I've noticed is the talking Pokémon one. In this case, however, it's not a special super power that only a gifted individual has, nor is it a universal trait shared among all Pokémon. It's based on the bond a trainer has with their own. Josh can understand his Ivysaur, while Eve can not. Similarly, Eve can understand her Meowth while Josh can not. Though these characters work together often, the bond isn't there, and the bond is the special aspect of the cliche that I don't believe I've seen elsewhere.

• Does the plot keep you in suspense?

Not particularly. There are aspects of it that do trip me up and little twists that I don't quite expect, but The Long Walk doesn't strive to be confusing or full of twists. It's a simple and laid back story of two friends who are trying to achieve their goals of becoming professional and successful pokemon trainers.

• Does the plot make sense logically?

It does. It doesn't try to be epic or deep, so I'm really not surprised. Anything that's not specifically related to the plot of Josh and Eve's ambitions is tied to the development of their friendship. It all works.

• Does the plot feel like it's lacking, or is it just right for the story the author's trying to tell?

I think it fits just right.

• Are there any glaring plotholes you think need to be fixed?

None that I can spot.

• Is the pacing of the plot too fast, too slow, or just right?

Without knowing how the story ends or how long it's intended to be, I can't give an honest assessment of how the pace is structured. At the very least, things are not terribly bogged down to the point where the plot isn't advancing at all; we've moved from Josh and Eve meeting each other and growing comfortable around each other to them doing pretty much everything together. The tournament arc slows down a bit, but I think that's the nature of a lengthy tournament; without skipping large sections of it, including the main characters' own participation in some parts, the pace is naturally going to slow down around it.

Setting

• Where does the story take place? Does the author expand on them in an original, interesting way?

The story takes place in Johto, but not just any Johto. This Johto is special in that it is heavily inspired by both the English countryside and its dazzling cities. Not only that, it's heavily expanded, too. There are tons of new locations present in neither the games nor the anime, aimed at filling out the countryside with the typical little villages and hamlets you find in the real world, which is probably my favorite touch.

• What about the setting intrigues you the most?

It's a difficult choice, so I'll say that the entire setting intrigues me. No detail is left unturned: rivers have names, mountains have history, sleepy villages have local cultures and folk stories associated with them, festivals are a major detail that are explained quite well, etc.

• What part of the setting do you want to know more about and/or think the author could expand on more?

So far, we've mostly seen the southwestern sections of Johto's mainland, as far north as Goldenrod and as far east as Violet City. What I'm curious to see is how detailed the rest of Johto will be, with its little villages, its rivers and its cultures.

• Are there infodumps, or does the author spread out important information throughout the story?

If there have been any info dumps, they're cleverly hidden and I haven't noticed them.

Characters

• Are the characters well rounded?

Specifically relating to Josh and Eve, I would say so, yes. Their motivations are clear, they have their own struggles associated with them, and they both have detailed backgrounds. Josh is perhaps a little sparse in that regard, as he doesn't have a large and detailed family like Eve does, but I don't think it detracts from his character too much.

• Is the character cast too small or too large?

I'd say the cast is just right for the story that's being told. I would consider Josh, Eve and Gabriella to be the major human characters so far, with their pokemon teams and family backing them up as a supporting cast.

• Does the author do a good job giving the main characters enough screentime?

Yes. Gabriella doesn't get as much as she could (and it might be dangerous to force her into more appearances, perhaps), but at the end of the day, it's Josh and Eve's story.

• Are you able to tell who's the protagonist, who's the antagonist, and who's a supporting character?

Very easily, yes. Josh and Eve are the clear duo of protagonists. Eve's family and Josh's father are firmly comfortable in their roles as supporting characters, as are their pokemon. I'm going to consider Gabriella as the antagonist of the story, as she is the overbearing mother who disapproves of her daughter's choices, and doesn't trust her or Josh to behave themselves while on the road together. You can sense that she's trying to get under their skin and potentially break their partnership apart in a subtle manner, and it'll be interesting to see if she's ever successful at it, or at least at damaging their friendship. There's been a couple points so far where Eve is furious about it and lashes out at Josh, but for the most part, they make up pretty well.

• Do you feel emotionally attached to the characters at all?

I do. It's no secret, to the author at least, that I've been pairing up Josh and Eve in a romantic sense in my head. I wouldn't say it's frustration or disappointment, but something plucks at my heart whenever there's buildup towards something like that, only for it to be taken away by the characters being level headed around each other.

Writing Style

• Is the author's writing style interesting to read, or is it dry?

Sometimes it's interesting, other times it's dry, and I can't really accurately pin down how to describe it. The author describes himself as a logophile, and he typically uses obscure words. I think that's where it can get a bit dry, as I'm often finding myself putting down the story to find a definition of a word I'm unfamiliar with. In general, though, it's easy to read and easy to imagine what is described.

• Does the description paint a clear picture in your head?

Yes. No matter the environment, the author does well in explaining what it is and how it looks; river barges, forests, fields, caverns, mountains, a hotel bedroom, you name it. Characters are described well in most circumstances, too, though some of the minor characters are glossed over fairly quickly, often painting a stereotypical view of what they would look like. The politician in chapter 14 is a good example, I think; I'm sure when it comes down to it, the man is as unique as any other individual, but the way he was described told me "dowdy old man in a tweed suit".

• Does the dialogue come off as natural or forced?

It's a slight mixed bag. Much of the dialogue is natural, though some cases can feel a bit forced. What feels forced the most to me is the heavy emotional stuff, such as Josh and Eve's earlier arguments. The argument aboard the Esk in chapter 11 struck me as a believable one, but the emotion in the dialogue didn't quite match what the story described. Another thing that feels forced to me, and this may very well be because I don't see it in writing much, is Josh's natural accent slipping through. It feels like a lot of emphasis is put on it whenever it comes up, either through the characters pointing it out or the narrative itself.

• Does the author use first or third person writing, and do they take advantage of the story's POV in an engaging way?

The story uses a third person limited approach, only getting into the mind of the focus character, which changes with each chapter. It's as if the narrator sees the story through the eyes of the focus character, something very well illustrated in a pair of the earlier chapters. I can't remember the specific chapter numbers as I appear to have never noted them down, but the bridge between the two chapters is the same scene; one is told from Josh's perspective and the other is told from Eve's. In Josh's chapter, he makes an excellent strategical move during a battle and we can see exactly what he's thinking and what he's doing. In Eve's chapter which starts with the same scene, she's confused by his strategy, as she can't read his mind. Only after it works out does she figure out what he was doing. I thought that was very interesting.

• For long-running stories, has the story's quality improved, stayed the same, or dropped?

It's hard to say, as the story has gone through numerous revisions. The author's system of applying versions to each edit (v1.00 vs v1.04) helps answer this, at least; You can definitely notice a difference in quality between an early v1.00 chapter which hasn't had revisions to it and a later v1.03 chapter, which has gone through a few rewrites and polishes. In general, though, the quality slightly improves when considering all chapters together as some sort of average.

Technical

• Does the story have many or few grammatical/spelling errors? If there are many spelling errors, is the story at least readable, or are they too distracting?

A few here and there, as you would expect from hobby work without a professional editor (or team of editors). By no means are there enough to sink the quality of the writing, though, and the author and betas do a good job of catching most of the easier to notice errors.

Other Thoughts
Character interaction is where this story shines. Getting into Josh and Eve's heads is really fun and makes for a good read. I do feel like there's a bit lacking outside of them, though; there's plenty of other characters, some interesting, but they all seem like sideline set pieces that don't impact the story as much as they could.

The world detail is astonishingly deep. Canon locations are expanded upon in a rich and entertaining way, and new locations are brought in to smooth the gaps in an otherwise empty canon world. Events, spirituality, folklore, poetry, etc. is all brought in to add onto this delightful expansion of the setting.

Til next time!
I do partially regret stepping in to judge the story. I've been slow with it, I admit, but I've been enjoying it as I puttered along. However, being called in to judge brought the recommended reading upon me and it felt very jarring and disjointing, and has impacted my ability to enjoy this story as much as I used to. It's been about a month since written up the above judging and I'll give it a bit more time before I resume my standard reading/reviewing, to allow the dust to settle so I can get back into the enjoyment of it.

 

[AceTrainer14]

I have been brought here by the Review Game to read and review Into the Wild.

It has obviously been a long time since I have read any of this story, and was a little apprehensive as to how much I would understand. The notion of Josh wearing women’s clothes now is rather intriguing to note – there why and where that titillation has come from, I am not quite sure – but the main story itself was easy enough to slip into.

The world created by your words as clear and bright as always. The descriptions of the rivers and trees were beautiful to read and worked well with the more violent scenes when the Gyarados attack. In terms of characterisation, from this one chapter, I did not get much insight into Linda, but the introduction of the accented writing, which I don’t believe was present last time, was an interesting and well-maintained addition.

My one criticism there was that the sophisticated language around the dialogue rather clashed. Joshua’s thoughts tended to be far more literary and scholarly than his speech, which made for a distracting confliction. Similarly, the use of more eloquent and vibrant adverbs than your typical story stood out as unnecessary and sometimes confusing (a stick breaking coquettishly is an image and sound I can’t quite get my head around – no part of that sentence feels right)

I liked the scene from the rangers perspective. It showed a clearly realised and thought through wider world, with a lot of information about the rangers delicately woven together without feeling like an unnecessary information dump. The brief battle there was engaging despite the length. It did feel a little weird for a story Josh is telling


I note that Josh and Eve’s relationship seems far more platonic than romantic, the latter notion being where I assumed the story would go one day. Not sure where things stand now, but it is reassuring to have the two be presented as friends rather than lovers. How much that has to do with him wearing women’s clothes I am not quite sure, though to add to my uncertainty around that, you have Josh quite enthusiastically describing Linda’s derriere. I obviously have not read much of the story lately, but it feels odd, as a queer person, to see this clash between cross dressing and heterosexual horniness with a touch of asexuality thrown in. The elements together don’t come off as right from this one chapter, but if you would like to recommend some further reading, I would happily read further.

Overall, I enjoyed this segment. It was wonderfully written with a nice, engaging flow to the plot, which did not drag on any longer than necessary. The use of real animals and real world references is something I am not personally fond of, but I cannot really criticise your decisions there. This chapter shows a clearly imagined world with a number of small references, from town names to passing Pokémon, that is fully engrossing – even if there may be a little too much hunting for my liking.

 

[Beth Pavell]

It's been a while since responses: and my usual comment that I have read everything that's been reviewed, several times. This is necessarily a selection of what I could respond with. There's been a lot added to my list in terms of things to revise, rethink, and polish. A lot of it will have to wait for a much later date, just out of sheer practicality (Not enough hours in the day). Anyway:

@AceTrainer14: I'm glad the chapter seems to have worked on the whole, given that it was something of an experiment. A few character-based things to think about as well, which have duly gone down on the list

I was reminded of Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, specifically identity vs. role-confusion (in the early part of the story where we don't really have a sense of what Josh or Eve want out of their lives) and intimacy vs. isolation (as the two start to travel together and forge a tighter bond).

I remember studying Erikson back in college. I think this is an apt observation - I'm certainly pleased, because this is the sort of thing I was going for. I'm aiming at something a bit older than the archetypical coming-of-age story (i.e: not focused on teenagers). Sometimes I do wonder whether I really like some of the clichés you mentioned, but the central relationship has generally been received very well so I don't dare mess too much with it (More on that below).

Adding in the audience and some snarky refs made me remember all my trips to sporting events and I was grinning like a kid at a candy story while reading the intro to the final round.

Can I ask, what was it in particular that you liked about that? See, I'm looking at potential edits to the arc and I'm wary of over-editing. I get the impression, from your review, that the general atmosphere of the Tourney is well done. I'm not much of a sports fan, so I was (And am) a bit nervous about making it at least feel right.

Regarding Josh and Eve's relationship during the Tourney. I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I take the point. It's definitely one of the major improvements I want to make to the arc. My question is, where do you see the conflict peaking? I'm thinking it would make most sense for it to be - more or less - resolved by the finals.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 21: The Girl from Goldenrod City

Apologies for skipping ahead to this chapter, I sensed a disturbance in the force that needed addressing

First, I'll address the elephant in the room which has earned this story a bit of ire, the idea of dressing Josh up as a girl to take place in a women's tournament. I personally have no problem with the concept. Maybe a little hamfisted, as @kintsugi mentioned here, but this is a fictional world and I can believe that there are still gender-specific tournaments. Especially since, as I've seen earlier in the story, your vision of Johto is not a world that is extremely concerned with gender politics as our world is rapidly becoming.

While I can see why other people would, I personally don't find the subject of a man dressing up to participate in a woman's competition offensive. I think you did a decent job in making this an uncomfortable experience for Josh rather than a joke or a personal conquest of his. Some things could be tightened up (explained below), but looking at what you've written from a semi-insider's perspective, I'd say you've done well to avoid the common pitfalls of making it a joke, while trying to be sensitive to certain aspects of the issue. You've said it elsewhere that no one's experience matches any other person's, and I can say from personal experience that trying to accommodate for everyone's sensitivities is an exercise in self-destruction. I can see where you've narrowed your ideas for the sake of the narrative; toes are going to be stepped on to tell the story the way you want it to be told, and that's fine. Don't forget that.

Anyways, some specific comments:

“Small! It's always small.”

Regarding clothing size, I can tell from first hand experience that this is never true. I'm by no means a tall person (under 6 foot is all I really remember, my exact height has been a mystery to me for a decade), but a woman's small on me is... just way too small. Too tight. This is a detail I'd change, depending on how tall you want Josh to be (has an exact number ever come up?). I tend to go with mediums and larges myself; mediums typically fit but are a little snug. Larges are comfortable. But this all depends on what kind of fabric it's made of and the shape of the neckline. A plunging neckline is actually (and shockingly) developed around a woman having breasts. It doesn't work on a flat chest, so a large could be detrimental in that regard while it's beneficial in every other.

Eve mentions clothes that are meant to accentuate his curves slightly. Most guys just flat out don't have curves to accentuate. Josh may be an exception to this rule, but that'd require conscious effort on his part; targeted exercises, mostly, and I doubt he'd have the time to worry about that as he travels the countryside. If he spends much of his time walking, his legs are going to be well defined, and he's going to have even more trouble fitting into a pair of skinny jeans than the typical person would. In his case, worried about being outed easily, I'd think he'd shy away from clothes that show off his figure. A sweater dress is a good way of hiding everything (especially a turtleneck, to hide his adam's apple and any stubborn hairs he missed while shaving), so good choice there.

I base this on my experience with drag contests. I've only ever participated in one so I'm not the most experienced, but I have spectated a few and spoken with people who participate in them regularly. There are typically two types of people who participate in them, the ones that make a mockery of it and look like freakshow clowns, and the ones who make a legitimate effort to appear feminine. Josh strikes me as the type to do the latter, and my above assessment matches closely with the methods I applied to my own performance, as well as those I've spoken with. Reserved and not trying too hard to be noticed. I think you've done well in this regard.

Admittedly, I found it a little uncomfortable how much emphasis there was on Josh's privates. Though I guess this is just a personal complaint at the end of the day, and I noticed it's not even out of place; as I was scanning for some context about the Tigerlily Tournament both now and during judging last summer, there's more than a few references to Eve's tits. May as well balance it out.

A tiny little detail that I feel could have worked in your favor: Josh would no doubt want to test drive his new appearance a few times to make sure he could realistically "pass", especially considering how important it is that he not be identified. Given the structure of the chapter, I'm not sure you'd be able to slip something like this in, with him just blending in at, say, a cafe, but it'd be a nice and authentic touch.

Setting

Finding a specific café in the Underground proved to be more difficult than he'd expected. The Underground was just over two miles long, north to south, with a multitude of branching alleys – it had an eclectic, slightly run down appearance. In places, the street was mainly illuminated by the light spilling from shop windows.

Now I love this interpretation of the underground. It reminds me of alleyways you typically see in dystopian settings or cities with a dark side to them, and I love that it's being brought up here.

Holly's Cafe felt a little strange and out of the blue. I know there's been emphasis on the class differences between working man Josh and privileged Eve, but the mannerisms displayed by the waitresses made me uncomfortable. Maybe that was the point? That discomfort wasn't because they were servant women, but servants in general. I guess I'm just a poor bastard like Josh, who doesn't feel comfortable with that sort of thing.

Characters
To start off, I do find it odd that Josh is physically talking aloud with his imaginary shoulder angels (that he admits to himself aren't real) while Eve sleeps in the bunk below him. Unless she was dead tired, you'd think such chatter would wake her up, and then send her on alert as she sees her friend ranting and raving at thin air. It's obvious that Josh respects her both as a person with (positive) opinions about him and as a friend he cares about, so I think he would likely not engage with these demons physically, but communicate through his mind, to spare her from being woken up.

He quite liked Eve being this close. He liked her familiar scent in this annoying city. Slowly, without quite knowing why, he reached over and gently took her hand. Immediately, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Eve laced her fingers through his.

SHIP LEVEL: sails are drawn, just waiting for a breeze

“Well … Dad likes – insists on things being done his way. And his advice sounds an awful lot like instructions.”

Never have I found a better way to accurately describe my own father.

Apologies if this is a bit of an abrupt ending. It's been awhile since I've cone a proper review and I'm out of practice with it. I'll be back for the edited version, as I know that's being worked on.

 

[Juliko]

Hello! Guess what? I'm your Secret Santa for this Christmas, and I was assigned your story! Since it's so long, I decided to read only the first ten chapters so I don't drive myself crazy. Since you've reviewed my stuff in the past, this is the perfect opportunity for me to return the favor! I only hope my review can really do your story justice. Anyway, onto the review!

Firstly, I must say that I do like your characters. It's really refreshing to see Pokemon stories starring adults instead of kids, as the former are kind of a rarity. I'm glad you decided to go down this route, not that there's anything wrong with stories with kids as main characters as long as they're done well. I also like the idea of Evelina being from the Joy family and wanting to not have her life revolve around solely working in Pokemon Centers. I can understand her grievances and her wish to make her own choices and live her own life, going against her family's expectations. Of course, that particular plotline has been done a dozen times before, becoming a cliche by this point. I'm only ten chapters in, but I am interested in seeing how Evelina develops and how her storyline wraps up.

Josh is pretty good too. For some reason I keep thinking of Josh from that old Nickelodeon sitcom "Drake and Josh" when I read his name, especially when he says "That tears it!" sometimes. I like him already. He's nerdy, not all that popular, takes his position as a new trainer seriously, wants to learn more, and although he can't do much else, he doesn't want to spend his life at a dead end job. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. His chemistry with Evelina is nice. But one thing about him does niggle at my brain a bit: When he catches Magnemite, he refers to it as screwball. Is that a nickname he's giving Magnemite, or is he just calling him that for kicks and not actually using it as a name? It's not capitalized, so...is it just a term of endearment? I would recommend clarifying this. The same goes for Evelina's Ledyba suddenly being named Lyra, when there was no scene showing that she named her Ledyba.

Now for the overall narrative. I found it to be pretty good. Your prose is simple when it needs to be, but your descriptions of environments and characters' emotions are so evocative. I admit, I'm kinda jealous. Your pacing is good as well: Knowing when to slow down and go fast when needed, which each scene only going as far as they need to. I do have to agree with some critics about the scene breaks not having a whole lot of context sometimes, such as Ledyba suddenly being named Lyra without anything showing Evelina giving it the name in the first place. Cutting corners like that can make your writing suffer and leave readers confused. But I'm only ten chapters in, so for all I know, you probably rectified this problem already, making my feedback pretty much a moot point. I especially love the small details you put into your world, like the extra towns and the currency. I should really follow your example. Seriously.

Alright, now it's time for the negatives. I kinda wish I could just praise this story up the wazoo, because as it stands, you're a far better writer than I am, and it was genuinely hard for me to find flaws with this story. But if all I did was praise it, then I wouldn't be very objective, now would I? Most of the flaws I found were mostly nitpicks. One thing that really stuck out to me was that Josh's Bulbasaur somehow knew the attack String Shot, even though that's a bug type move. When I saw that, I was like "What?! Bulbasaur can't learn String Shot!" Then I checked its PokeDex entry on Serebii and found that it actually can learn String Shot...via the HGSS Move Tutors. While in-game, this makes sense, but in-story, there doesn't seem to be an explanation on how Bulbasaur can use String Shot, especially since Move Tutors and TMs don't really get focused on in fan fics. Was it specially bred to know String Shot? Does your Pokeverse have TMs and Move Tutors? I'd recommend clarifying this one, since readers who are used to Bulbasaur using normal attacks like Razor Leaf and Take Down might get really thrown off and assume you're deliberately overpowering Bulbasaur, which I know isn't your intent. But again, I'm only 10 chapters in, so for all I know you probably already addressed this.

Other things kind of confuse me as well: What exactly is a perry? Is that some kind of alcoholic drink? And what's am umlaut? I've never heard of that word before. Is that related to how that one person in chapter one pronounces it? Are there other ways of pronouncing the word brutal? Also, what exactly is Josh's dialect based on? There's a lot of usage of "Ye" and there are some British-isms sprinkled about as well. It seems like a mix of cowboy hillbilly talk and Shakespearian English, and somehow, I don't really see those mixing too well. Or is Josh's dialect based on something obscure I don't know about?

All in all, I really enjoyed this one! It's no wonder your story is as popular as it is, what with it having won so many awards. I think you've written something great here, and when I have time, I'll definitely read more! I'm interested in seeing how this goes. There's my review! Consider it thanks for all the reviews you left on my silly stories. Anyway, I hope you have a great and happy holiday!

 

[Misfit Angel]

Oops! Apparently I've been sitting on this review since late August 2018. My bad.

Chapter 14: Comfort Zones

Sir, the ship is taking on water!

This was a short chapter, probably the shortest so far, so I don't have too much to say about it.

Chacters
The big thing to take away from this chapter is where things stand between Josh and Eve. For the longest time, it felt like things have been building towards them just finding somewhere private for a tryst after enough tension had bubbled to the surface, or them agreeing that they would both like to be more than just friends. But here, we see on the surface they truly are interested in being just friends, which took the wind out of the sails of my theories (and hopes!)

However! Upon rereading the chapter to see if there was anything to add to this review, I did notice something: Eve specifically didn't note that she was interested in being just friends, so there's still hopes that she has the hots for him and is playing it safely for the time being. The fact that she wants him to rip his shirt off so she can see him topless lends a bit of credence to this theory. Even more, a couple things I noticed in later chapters while reading for the awards (and specifically chapter 21 to provide some commentary about it) leads me to believe that this might actually be the case. Time to get back into reading this story regularly to see if it's all true.

But, anyways, tempering the expectations of the readers who hope to see these two get together is not a bad thing. I think it's an indication of good writing, where you can build something up that's believable, even if it may well have never been the intention in the first place. Their reactions to each other (or specifically to just Josh, in my theory's case) wanting to be friends are portrayed realistically, as well.

Plot
I think the only thing that particularly bothered me about this chapter was how smushed together the two major points of it felt. The chatter between Josh and Eve about their friendship can stand on its own as a respectable chapter if it were expanded a bit to be of similar length to other chapters. And then there's the part about planning to visit White Lake to capture a Buizel for a snobby politician. That's the part that felt kinda tacked on, probably because it was so short and felt so irrelevant to the main draw of the chapter. I do feel like, if it were significantly expanded upon in some way, the idea could stand on its own as a separate chapter. But adding a chapter for the sake of it probably isn't ideal, as that'd push chapter numbers everywhere else out of whack.

Despite that shortcoming and how brief it was, I do believe this was certainly one of the stronger chapters in terms of Josh and Eve's plot and their character development.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Chapter 15: Gotta Catch 'Em All

In one short chapter, a pair of trainers drain a delicate ecosystem of every link in its complex chains

Plot
Despite the amount of captures, I feel like this was a slow down chapter in a way. The only plot really pushed along in a meaningful way towards an obvious conclusion is the side story of them capturing things for this politician they met the other day. I don't imagine that's a string with significant length (unless they did get tripped up on some fine print on the capture rules at White Lake and get in trouble with the law down the line), so I'll mark this as a minor chapter in my head.

Characters

“The game,” Eve announced, “is Crazy Eights.”

Ah! So now we know that Eve loves silly, chaotic card games just as much as Andrea does with UNO. More for them to bond over when their paths cross again in a cross over~

Okay, so, a lot of captures this chapter. Eve got her Buizel which is going to be sold to the politician for a nice bounty, so it's not going to be sticking around long I assume. Josh caught three! Seems a bit much for a single chapter, but it also looks like he's going to sell one of his catches, his Totodile. I suppose it's for the best, as he's got a respectable water-type now in Vaporeon, and his team should be rounded out well by the ghost-type Misdreavus.

There's also a bit of development for my favorite theory about Josh and Eve, specifically the point where they start making out, his hand goes up her shirt, aaaaaand...

He opened his eyes, and surfaced from the dream.

Ah, damn it, cock blocked by the sand man. But perhaps this dream does mean that he's not quite as interested in being 'just friends' as he implied in the previous chapter. But his honor demands it, and he's going to continue to deny himself something which could very well happen if he just pushed a little (and got her drunk again -- she seemed attached to him a bit while she was innebriated, even going as far as cuddling his leg in her sleep). I'm starting to be confused by the jerking around of what's going on between these two, just as much as Josh seems to be. That's not a bad thing; I'm invested in these two.

Description-related (monthly bonus!) (I didn't get enough for the montly bonus here but I'll keep things marked and separated regardless.)

Eve, however, wasn’t using a hook. Instead, the end of her line was hung with a proximity sensor and a reduced Net Ball.

[RL] I imagine by reduced, you mean pocket sized? Nothing need be changed here, just clarifying for myself.

Well, it always stared off into space, but this time it wasn’t paying attention.

[RL] This bit of description tickled me. I love little moments like this.

The blade was pattern-welded from a mix of carbon and aron steel – the process had left a pattern of ripples and whorls in the steel.

[RL] I'm gonna take this as a nod to the oft romanticized damascus steel, correct? That's the feeling I'm getting based on this small piece of description.

Misc. Details

Down by the reeds Eve baited the lines for night fishing

Eve might like to reconsider this plan if she knows there are apex predator crocodiles that hunger for flesh lurking about in the foggy, dark water.

None of that Croconaw Dundee rubbish in his bowie knives

This pun is terrible and I love it.

“You are so lucky to have a cock,” Eve declared, reappearing from the fog.

“... is that so?” Josh said, mystified.

“I could piss in any old bush if I had something to aim with.”

Good lord, Eve, you should curb your drinking, lest those around you think you're a lewd bitch.

Style and Technical

Josh could only just make out the far northern shore of the lake through the mists – closer to on the western side of the lake, the dark fringes of the Ilex Deepwoods loomed suspiciously out of the fog.

I suppose this is grammatically correct, but I think this sentence would flow much better without "on" being in it.

“Payday for little Eve! Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh.”

Small suggestion here, adding some italics to one of those would make her victory song pop a little more. I'd go for the last one myself, to point out her climaxing enthusiasm.

The air was chilly, and damp.

The night was cold, and damp.

Though these two are in different scenes with about a thousand words between them, the repitition immediately jumped off the page at me. I suppose it's not the worst thing, but it might be worth looking at when it's time for a polish.

It wasn't until he started to throw that he realised how much the whisky was affecting his hand-eye co-ordination.

I don't think that's right. I've never seen it written like that, at least.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I suppose it's about time I did responses, right?

@Juliko: I don't blame you for doing ten chapters - the whole thing is a lot of words for a couple of weeks. I suppose I can be glad I didn't earn the same kind of ire as The Hate U Give! I'm not really sure where to begin on this response, so I'll pick up on a few issues. First, the naming thing. I noticed that nicknaming in Pokémon fanfiction tends to be a big, significant thing, or at least, it's intended to be. I wanted (For the most part) to do something closer to the way literal nicknames work, where a name tends to stick after a while. Most people do this with their pets.

Second point, about String Shot. I kind of wrote myself into a corner with that one. You see, the Bulbasaur vs Ledyba idea came from the very first draft many years ago, when I didn't really plan it and just wrote pretty much stream-of-consciousness. It's only when I came to rewrite the battle that I realised it's not a useful match-up for "low-levelled" pokémon. With just Tackle and Leech Seed to work with, I needed something else to make the battle more interesting, and String Shot fit the bill - it's not that powerful, and it can be visualised as a type of vine attack. You're right, it's not ideal, because it's an obscure attack for Bulbasaur to learn.

A perry is a pear cider. Umlauts are diacritics, accent marks, like so: ü. That bit is me making fun of a (Probably dead) metalhead trope, where random words are pronounced as if they have an umlaut ('Brutal' being a big offender there), apparently because it's cool.

On the accent side, I'm going to quote from an earlier response:

Originally I wanted the Townie accent to be my own native Yam Yam (A West Midlands accent and dialect spoken in the Black Country). After beta'ing I had to admit that the attempt was a failure. Yam Yam is on the obscure side even in the UK, where it's frequently confused with Brummie (Birmingham).

So the compromise was to use elements of Northern accents with the Black Country dialect words. There is some justification for this, as Yam Yam does have elements in common with various Northern dialects. I actually do say things like "I'm a-goin' te the library later" to my dad. Josh's flicking back and forth between accents is authentic, too - to my slight horror, the other day a Yam Yam girl was surprised to hear that I am Black Country born and bred on the basis of how "well-spoken" I am. It was a job interview, so I'd automatically turned off the Yam Yam.

@Misfit Angel: There were pacing issues with these two chapters. My original plan was to have the whole White Lake arc happen in one chapter - until I realised that would end up as something approaching 7,000 words in one go, putting pressure on me to rush it. So I just split it. And then I deleted a scene from Fifteen that would have explicitly showed them selling their catch. Perhaps ideally it should have been two chapters of around 3,500-4,000 words, but I didn't really want to make the chapter break mid-White Lake. Maybe it would have been better like that (Not least because some readers have been confused by which pokémon they keep).

 

[Juliko]

@Juliko: I don't blame you for doing ten chapters - the whole thing is a lot of words for a couple of weeks. I suppose I can be glad I didn't earn the same kind of ire as The Hate U Give! I'm not really sure where to begin on this response, so I'll pick up on a few issues. First, the naming thing. I noticed that nicknaming in Pokémon fanfiction tends to be a big, significant thing, or at least, it's intended to be. I wanted (For the most part) to do something closer to the way literal nicknames work, where a name tends to stick after a while. Most people do this with their pets.

Second point, about String Shot. I kind of wrote myself into a corner with that one. You see, the Bulbasaur vs Ledyba idea came from the very first draft many years ago, when I didn't really plan it and just wrote pretty much stream-of-consciousness. It's only when I came to rewrite the battle that I realized it's not a useful match-up for "low-levelled" pokémon. With just Tackle and Leech Seed to work with, I needed something else to make the battle more interesting, and String Shot fit the bill - it's not that powerful, and it can be visualized as a type of vine attack. You're right, it's not ideal, because it's an obscure attack for Bulbasaur to learn.

A perry is a pear cider. Umlauts are diacritics, accent marks, like so: ü. That bit is me making fun of a (Probably dead) metalhead trope, where random words are pronounced as if they have an umlaut ('Brutal' being a big offender there), apparently because it's cool.

On the accent side, I'm going to quote from an earlier response:

Originally I wanted the Townie accent to be my own native Yam Yam (A West Midlands accent and dialect spoken in the Black Country). After beta'ing I had to admit that the attempt was a failure. Yam Yam is on the obscure side even in the UK, where it's frequently confused with Brummie (Birmingham).

So the compromise was to use elements of Northern accents with the Black Country dialect words. There is some justification for this, as Yam Yam does have elements in common with various Northern dialects. I actually do say things like "I'm a-goin' te the library later" to my dad. Josh's flicking back and forth between accents is authentic, too - to my slight horror, the other day a Yam Yam girl was surprised to hear that I am Black Country born and bred on the basis of how "well-spoken" I am. It was a job interview, so I'd automatically turned off the Yam Yam.

Are you kidding? I'd gladly read your fic over The Hate U Give any day of the week. Seriously. But I can see wanting to give Bulbasaur new moves to make the battle more interesting, so that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying, and for the other stuff, too!

 

[Snuggle Tier List]

Hello, Beth, and I'm sorry. Having interacted with you in these forums for about three months (reading your reviews of both my fics and others, reading Button-on-Sea, reading your March RotM interview, reading your most recent sample in the Samples thread, and now having read The Long Walk's Prelude), I think we have extremely different ideas on what makes a "good" fic. And I have a belief that in noncommercial art, the artist has less culpability for their audience's opinions. This fic's Prelude gave the impression of targeting personal passions, and since I don't seem to share those passions, I don't feel like my subjective criticism should be taken too seriously.

You requested a review of The Long Walk's Prelude, and I accepted. I want a reputation of sticking by my words, so I've written a review. But since I think our tastes in fiction are so different, I don't think it will be particularly useful. It's a somewhat (but not entirely) negative review, and I will be expressing from my personal perspective (it's the only one I 100% know), but please, take it with a grain of salt. I'm fairly confident I'm not in The Long Walk's target audience, and so in any other circumstances I wouldn't review this fic. But you requested a review, and so I shall do my best.

Image
Bits and bobs I personally don't believe necessarily affect your fic's quality, but do affect how it's perceived​

The Full Title
The first thing I saw when I clicked on your signature banner was The Long Walk's banner is the full title. And it's a thing of beauty, not because of what it says, but how it's formatted. Single lines of text of varying sizes and importance is, if you aren't already aware, a trope of historical book titles:

Spoiler: Examples

Sources: Wikipedia and the Wellcome Collection​

To see you use this trope was a fantastic first impression. To me, you immediately established credibility by proving you have some sort of experience with classic literature. Which, in turn, implies you can execute on whatever you want to write.

If you wanted to capitalize on this further, I'd put the full title as your thread title. That might cause confusion, but you could counteract that by further emphasizing the words The Long Walk (i.e. putting them in all caps). Plus, a long title would give your fic a bigger presence, literally: long-titled threads cause link breaks, meaning your thread takes up more vertical space in the forum listings. It'd stand out, at least.

That's a Lot of Awards
Like, really. I don't know how much faith I can put in them without knowing each award's criteria, judge's panel, etc., but it's certainly impressive at a glance.

But I'm a skeptical person. If you wanted to appeal to me, you could give a short summary about how your fic was judged. How was it nominated, how was the judges or jury selected, what was the voting procedure, how many judges or jury members were part of the process, those kind of things. That'd let me know at a glance how much stock to put in your award shelf.

Readability
Your fic was hard to parse. Your word choice was complex, your sentence structure repeatedly downplayed what seemed like important details, and in general your style of worldbuilding left me scratching my head. I felt thrust into a world I knew little about, and so parsing what I was reading tied my head in knots. I don't think it affects your fic's substance in the sense it changes the events of your story, but having to stop and google words butchered the fic's pacing. And when some of those words turned out to be fake (Talf) or too obscure for search (Alto Marean, which I think doesn't exist?), I ended up wasting a lot of time.

Now, I know you're the Thesaurus Rex, but I think this fic would benefit if you put the thesaurus down. For instance, words like "predilections" and "furlong" could be near-seamlessly replaced by "predictions“ and "kilometres", respectively. And in-universe proper nouns could be introduced with short context (i.e. "Game of Talf?", "ancient greek architect Alto-Marean"), though you may need to restructure your sentences to "dumb it down".

Substance
Bits and bobs I personally believe do affect the quality of your work, but not necessarily how it's perceived​

Readability
Readability makes both lists, because I think it affects both Image and Substance. But I've already given general criticism, so I'll use this space to break it down into specific subcategories:

Complicated Words
This is the most obvious hangup that prevented me from understanding this fic. Words like "Pollarding“, "Palazzo", "Knurl", and "Crenellated" are not in my vocabulary. I'd knock myself for this, but whenever I looked up a word, Merriam Webster repeatedly told these indeed were not part of the general population's vocabulary.

This process of googling words was a significant portion of my time with The Long Walk's Prelude. For when I returned to the fic after a web search, I'd usually had spent enough time away to have lost my bearings, requiring me to re-read previous paragraphs. Having to look up words reduced my reading words-per-minute to the single digits.

At the risk of sounding redundant, I think this fic would benefit if it used simpler words more people understood. At least for me, it would've saved me a good deal of time and effort, letting me enjoy your writing without slowing the pace.

Fictional Proper Nouns
Being an outsider to The Long Walk's world, I don't have context for any proper nouns used unless I'm given context. Your method for explaining proper nouns seemed to lie halfway between "don't" and "tell everything up front". For instance, I couldn't follow the game of Talf because I didn't know the game's full rules, making it hard to imagine the scene. Since I didn't know what was going on, my mind was left to fill in the blanks, which I couldn't do — the layout of the board seemed wildly impractical for two opponents sitting across from each other, and the specialized pedestal left me wondering "what's going on?".

I think these fictional proper nouns had their explanations rushed. It's perfectly okay to have a lore-rich world, but that requires extremely delicate exposition. Don't use fictional proper nouns until it's absolutely necessary (i.e. not mentioning Coldfield and Cinder Bank until it's obvious they're street names). Show, don't tell if you need to give exposition (i.e. have Joshua ride through decaying Mulberry Town without explicitly stating its seen better days). Establish sympathetic characters before diving into obligatory setting notes (i.e. start the scene with Joshua doing a good deed). I'm afraid I can't offer a one-size-fits-all solution — there's just too much worldbuilding to cover — but I hope these examples are a good starting point.

Anachronisms
A quirk of your worldbuilding seems to be outdated technology coexisting with modern technology. For instance, setting a scene in a bathhouse where the characters talk about internet connections left me with many questions and an overloaded brain. When there was an off-handed mention of an aqueduct later on, I couldn't tell if it was some historical ruin for flavor or if aqueducts were seriously still being used (in which case, I'm not drinking the tap water).

As cliché as it might sound, I think this fic would be better served if it started with Average Joe's daily routine. Because Average Joe seems to live in a very weird world, and knowing how that world affects their life would help me figure out what is and isn't an in-universe norm. For instance, if a laptop doesn't bat an eyelid while a horseless carriage does, then I'd have the needed context to wade through each scene. Or, if that's too off-putting, I think an audience surrogate character could work; someone from another culture more like the "real world", but surrounded by supporting characters from the local area (and thus more knowledgeable of local norms).​

Bulbasaur's Scene
There was one scene I feel I understood completely, and I wanted to bring it up last because I loved it. It was such a smooth and entertaining way to explain all the rules behind your world's Poké Balls, it makes me feel you can broaden your appeal. Bulbasaur's "I, me" seemed to me to be a clear derivative of "I think, therefore I am", which made me question just how sapient your world's Pokémon are. But that's a good question, one that carries many thought-provoking implications. Is it ethical to battle Pokémon? How much agency should they be given? These are fascinating philosophical questions brought out by your writing, and it was a shame when the scene ended. I wanted more of this, which should explain why I'm disappointed I couldn't parse more.

Closing Thoughts​

I have more criticisms of The Long Walk's Prelude. But since I had trouble parsing, there's a good chance I misunderstood the subject matter, which in turn could make those criticisms moot. If you want to include laymen like me in your target audience (which you have every right not to), then I think it's possible for you to dumb The Long Walk's Prelude down. But you also seem like a competent author who carefully curates their content, which leaves me doubting myself more than your fic. I'm not sure how useful this review would be to an author like you (that's a lot of awards), but hopefully you at least got my layman's perspective. Do with it as you please; I think you know more about writing than me, even if I personally can't parse your writing style.

 

[Beth Pavell]

@Snuggle Tier List - This is why I don't usually respond within a day or so of a review posting - I've already made a mistake (Hence the deleted post). I'll come back to this properly in due course