Persephone
The Vulture Queen
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2014
- Messages
- 863
- Reaction score
- 211
Hi. So I'm done with Storm Island/beta stuff/review exchange/everything else that's kept me distracted for a month, so here's your free bump, I guess.
I really liked the opening portion of this chapter, style-wise. I can't say way since it's not my type of prose, since I rely more on snark and first person quirks than anything, but it seemed pretty good. Props on that. The rest of the chapter was just normal for you in terms of style quality, which is still pretty good, but nothing in particular stood out.
And I think that with a couple battles/captures, a drunken character development scene, an actual Permanent Teammate Capture, and a couple shipping scenes (glad to see that your lemon experience at least partially helped TLW), this might be the most eventful chapter in the whole story. It felt good and it still wasn't quite as packed as some stories, but at the end I had to sit back and remind myself that that was actually a chapter of The Long Walk, and the plot advanced somewhat significantly on more than two fronts.
So that was a thing.
Misdreavus for obscure capture is also nice. As a non-Kanto Pokemon that gets overshadowed by Gastly, Rotom, Spiritomb, Froslass, and occasionally Dusclops as a ghost, it's pretty hipster. Not quite unheard of, but not exactly common either. I can deal with that. Seeing Bulbasaur back with actual scenes was nice, too, since I think he kind of gets ignored in favor of Magnemite quite a bit in this story. He's not exactly my favorite Pokemon in fan fiction but since he presumably has a relatively strong bond with Josh he could afford to appear a little more.
And am I the only person who thought that you were playing the shipping scene entirely straight until the very end? Like, I thought that this was moving way too fast for your standards since we'd also had the Eevee and wake up scenes earlier in the chapter and at this point Josh is going to have to make the first move, but I thought it was serious and written like it was odd but serious. Then again I don't really get how that type of dream works (and I don't research that, unlike some people) so that could just be reference failure. Still, I thought it was played rather well.
Overall, it was a good but fast chapter and a good standard for modeling future chapters off of.
I really liked the opening portion of this chapter, style-wise. I can't say way since it's not my type of prose, since I rely more on snark and first person quirks than anything, but it seemed pretty good. Props on that. The rest of the chapter was just normal for you in terms of style quality, which is still pretty good, but nothing in particular stood out.
And I think that with a couple battles/captures, a drunken character development scene, an actual Permanent Teammate Capture, and a couple shipping scenes (glad to see that your lemon experience at least partially helped TLW), this might be the most eventful chapter in the whole story. It felt good and it still wasn't quite as packed as some stories, but at the end I had to sit back and remind myself that that was actually a chapter of The Long Walk, and the plot advanced somewhat significantly on more than two fronts.
So that was a thing.
Misdreavus for obscure capture is also nice. As a non-Kanto Pokemon that gets overshadowed by Gastly, Rotom, Spiritomb, Froslass, and occasionally Dusclops as a ghost, it's pretty hipster. Not quite unheard of, but not exactly common either. I can deal with that. Seeing Bulbasaur back with actual scenes was nice, too, since I think he kind of gets ignored in favor of Magnemite quite a bit in this story. He's not exactly my favorite Pokemon in fan fiction but since he presumably has a relatively strong bond with Josh he could afford to appear a little more.
And am I the only person who thought that you were playing the shipping scene entirely straight until the very end? Like, I thought that this was moving way too fast for your standards since we'd also had the Eevee and wake up scenes earlier in the chapter and at this point Josh is going to have to make the first move, but I thought it was serious and written like it was odd but serious. Then again I don't really get how that type of dream works (and I don't research that, unlike some people) so that could just be reference failure. Still, I thought it was played rather well.
Overall, it was a good but fast chapter and a good standard for modeling future chapters off of.