kintsugi
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
- Joined
- May 9, 2013
- Messages
- 1,971
- Reaction score
- 1,064
Heyo, I haven't checked in for about four years. How's it going. This is kind of a bit scattered, and I'm sorry, but hopefully you can glean something useful from it.
Starting back at Chapter Eight, 'cause it's been a while and I feel like I didn't really do it well last time. I really liked the idea of having additional towns/Longwater; it gives you a lot more flexibility and diversity in terms of smaller cities and stuff than what Johto gives you. I know you had another fake-town in one of the earlier sections, but it's nice to see that you haven't dropped this concept. I'm having a bit of an issue with the geography, though (I'm seriously only getting this nitpicky because Johto fanfics gotta stick together, right?), because I'm not sure what river these ferries are traversing and how it would interact with the rest of Johto, although you did describe everything prettily.
Also squee friendship-building was really cute, and then, hmm, are we getting subtle hints toward non-Pokemon animals getting eaten or is it all really just magikarp?
ALSO SQUEE FRIENDSHIP BUILDING I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ROMANCE YET BUT IT'S STILL CUTE FRIENDSHIP GAH.
^this is my way of complimenting you on accurately depicting two people of opposite genders having nice interactions with one another, btw
Also, this might've just been me, but I felt a bit thrown off when they were chilling and having dinner together at some point, and then Lyra (if Eve is close enough to Lyra to understand her speech, why didn't she nickname her until now?) flies off to do something but then in the next seen with Lyra, Eve is also there and they're capturing a pidgeotto and also suddenly Josh is in a gym battle. I feel like there's a transition missing?
Regarding chapter nine, you used the word carapace and now we need to be friends forever.
Anyway, the battle was well-paced and entertaining, and, as with the first half of it back in the previous chapter, I liked the creative spin you put on some moves, like Shadow Sneak, that made for a more entertaining clash. The PokeGelt thing is interesting and original, so more worldbuilding kudos to you there.
I'm also liking the email interactions with Imogen/Eve--the format is a nice change from the usual narration, and I love how, despite the tension Eve has with a lot of Joy's, she's at least got some family to fall back on. And I might be overanalyzing, but the last line of Imogen's email says a lot about the Joy family dynamic--maybe Eve is exaggerating a little and her parents really do have her best interests at heart OR MAYBE NOT WE WON'T KNOW FOR A WHILE D:
I read about the bath scene by accident when looking through the reviews on the next page for the newest chapter, and I definitely imagined something different. BUT THIS IS LOVELY AND HILARIOUS AND ALSO ANGRY MEOWTH GETS SOME LINES. Random nitpicks, "ok" should be "okay," and is Aron steel what it sounds like where someone takes an Aron and hammers it around into boots or am I misinterpreting things?
And straight onward into Chapter Ten my god I've been gone D:
I like the shift to Eve's narration for this chapter--it really does a good job of showing her thought process and ideas as she goes through this battle, and it's a nice change from Josh (not that Josh was bad or anything, whoops). Hearing the pokemon's responses to getting hit was interesting as well, although Meowth seemed surprisingly complacent compared to the bath scene from last night, heh.
And you used non-prepositional myriad you are the best
Again, this was another entertaining and creative battle, and Lyra's struggle was pretty badass and all. The ending bit where they missed a little was an adorable lampshade to the typical cliche, and I smiled a bit. Same with the handshake/too formal/high five/cliche/huggggz
The ending line has me a little nervous, and I'm not sure if it's your intention, but it seems to hint toward less-perfect things to come.
Although, in all seriousness, this may be one of the best portrayals of "two random strangers meet up by happenstance and decide to travel together" that I've ever read. It feels real, and that's a testament to their character interactions, and that's legitimately awesome. I'm not even sure how/where you did it, but solid work for making me feel happy that these two fictional people are going to go off on badass adventures together. So much solid work.
Starting back at Chapter Eight, 'cause it's been a while and I feel like I didn't really do it well last time. I really liked the idea of having additional towns/Longwater; it gives you a lot more flexibility and diversity in terms of smaller cities and stuff than what Johto gives you. I know you had another fake-town in one of the earlier sections, but it's nice to see that you haven't dropped this concept. I'm having a bit of an issue with the geography, though (I'm seriously only getting this nitpicky because Johto fanfics gotta stick together, right?), because I'm not sure what river these ferries are traversing and how it would interact with the rest of Johto, although you did describe everything prettily.
Also squee friendship-building was really cute, and then, hmm, are we getting subtle hints toward non-Pokemon animals getting eaten or is it all really just magikarp?
ALSO SQUEE FRIENDSHIP BUILDING I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ROMANCE YET BUT IT'S STILL CUTE FRIENDSHIP GAH.
^this is my way of complimenting you on accurately depicting two people of opposite genders having nice interactions with one another, btw
Dialogue tag error.Bugsy shrugged, “I accept all challengers. Benny, would you fetch the referee?
Also, this might've just been me, but I felt a bit thrown off when they were chilling and having dinner together at some point, and then Lyra (if Eve is close enough to Lyra to understand her speech, why didn't she nickname her until now?) flies off to do something but then in the next seen with Lyra, Eve is also there and they're capturing a pidgeotto and also suddenly Josh is in a gym battle. I feel like there's a transition missing?
Regarding chapter nine, you used the word carapace and now we need to be friends forever.
Anyway, the battle was well-paced and entertaining, and, as with the first half of it back in the previous chapter, I liked the creative spin you put on some moves, like Shadow Sneak, that made for a more entertaining clash. The PokeGelt thing is interesting and original, so more worldbuilding kudos to you there.
I'm also liking the email interactions with Imogen/Eve--the format is a nice change from the usual narration, and I love how, despite the tension Eve has with a lot of Joy's, she's at least got some family to fall back on. And I might be overanalyzing, but the last line of Imogen's email says a lot about the Joy family dynamic--maybe Eve is exaggerating a little and her parents really do have her best interests at heart OR MAYBE NOT WE WON'T KNOW FOR A WHILE D:
I read about the bath scene by accident when looking through the reviews on the next page for the newest chapter, and I definitely imagined something different. BUT THIS IS LOVELY AND HILARIOUS AND ALSO ANGRY MEOWTH GETS SOME LINES. Random nitpicks, "ok" should be "okay," and is Aron steel what it sounds like where someone takes an Aron and hammers it around into boots or am I misinterpreting things?
And straight onward into Chapter Ten my god I've been gone D:
I like the shift to Eve's narration for this chapter--it really does a good job of showing her thought process and ideas as she goes through this battle, and it's a nice change from Josh (not that Josh was bad or anything, whoops). Hearing the pokemon's responses to getting hit was interesting as well, although Meowth seemed surprisingly complacent compared to the bath scene from last night, heh.
And you used non-prepositional myriad you are the best
Missing comma before Scyther. On that note, Bugsy's samurai schtick was pretty cool.I choose you Scyther!”
Again, this was another entertaining and creative battle, and Lyra's struggle was pretty badass and all. The ending bit where they missed a little was an adorable lampshade to the typical cliche, and I smiled a bit. Same with the handshake/too formal/high five/cliche/huggggz
The ending line has me a little nervous, and I'm not sure if it's your intention, but it seems to hint toward less-perfect things to come.
Although, in all seriousness, this may be one of the best portrayals of "two random strangers meet up by happenstance and decide to travel together" that I've ever read. It feels real, and that's a testament to their character interactions, and that's legitimately awesome. I'm not even sure how/where you did it, but solid work for making me feel happy that these two fictional people are going to go off on badass adventures together. So much solid work.