the midnight blooming of lisianthus

[lisianthus]

『大人になって、大事なものが見えた時』
nakaniwa no shoujotachi - SHISHAMO
​

lately i've been listening to music on repeat. every night. sometimes it's vocaloid (well, synthV)-style alt rock, sometimes it's pop punk (only once), and right now, today, it would be my quote for today. nakaniwa no shoujotachi by SHISHANO.

music is a very nice thing, i think. when things are feeling good, or bad, or mostly anything in between, i tend to have a catalog in my head that matches the right thing to my mood.

for example, tonight feels very neutral? i can't exactly explain it well, maybe, other than saying that it's a fairly usual occurrence, i believe. the absence of deep sadness, or really sadness whatsoever, but not feeling noticeably happy. really, this absolutely isn't a bad thing, though :) that is just how i work sometimes. i am content with how things are currently, and the song i've been listening to on repeat for the past hour is very good.

in the times where i'm not feeling the best, i do tend to turn to more 'fluffy' music. and now wouldn't be an exception. i know i just said how i'm feeling isn't bad but... something to give me a boost of happiness is a good thing, right?

so when the bad feelings are happening, i tend to put on some j-rock. usually with female vocals because it feels comfier that way. so something like the peggies, or ORESKABAND, or SHISHAMO, that sort of thing.

and maybe it's a little funny, i tend to listen to japanese music quite a bit. and as my japanese has inevitably improved as a result of using it and learning more, little by little i've started to understand the songs i've listened to before. not much at times, maybe a lot at times, but having progress displayed to me in such a nonchalant fashion, like this, is a little nice.

the same kind of thing as if i'm talking in japanese with my teacher or something, i just know. it's quite strange, but of course i am very glad it's happening. something like a nice step in my goal.

a bit of a sudden thought, maybe, but i would classify the music i listen to when i am not feeling the best as 'shoujo' basically. shoujo means 'young girl' kind of, it's a type of manga and anime too. but that kind of music is my internal soundtrack for cheering up. my magical girl fuel :)

and well, i spend my nights like this now. ever since i started college (attending online), my schedule has actually been quite nice. i stay up until 1 AM (or later, i promise i am getting enough sleep), and then wake up at about 9 AM (or laterish). then, off to my one high school class.

i go by bike. it's annoying, and it almost makes me want to practice driving more (i do know how to drive), but...

i do have a fear of driving, somewhat. well, of being in cars, really.

car trips, long ones, magnify it a lot. and every time i get into a car, my mind forces myself to review the infetisimally small chance of impending harm coming to me.

so... it's something i just cannot do, really. i want to be safe. that includes being free from anxiety, too.


that may have been a bit of a tangent, but to be fair i don't really have much of an aim in typing out a post here :)

and now, time to respond to a message~ i am always happy to get them, especially from my big sis Blanc :)

takoyaki is a cute username, but Lisianthus feels very elegant and gentle!! both work great for you I think, but I hope a clean space also helps make a clean mind! I hope you don't mind if I sit here with you, Lisia!

lisianthus does feel that way, and maybe that's why i ended up picking it? it definitely feels natural. and like nature, too, i think. and yes, along with trying to make myself feel more comfortable in different ways, i hope that having a clean space will make things feel better also~

and thank you very much for saying hello. i am incredibly grateful that i can always count on you to be here for me in some way or form, and it's a presence i always want by me of course :)

until...maybe a few weeks :)

 

[lisianthus]

«my heart's still beating, cause I'm still breathing, breathing, breathing to go on, my heart's still beating»
My Heart's Still Beating - For A Reason​

WHERE'D MY DRAFT GO???????

oughh.... i had a nicely formatted post halfway done and everything...

so, this will be my third time making a blog post! i was feeling not good the first time, the second time was yesterday, and now is now!

... I'll probably continue this tomorrow, because it's a little late LOL~~


I don't remember when I wrote this? It was probably a Friday night, and nooooow it is Monday morning.

It sure was a weekend. I did a lot.

A recap of what I've done recently:

• Played in a tennis tournament with my team (somehow I'm okay enough to go to tournaments), and got beat by the 10th best player in the tournament. We were there 12 hours, but I had my 3DS thankfully. I almost broke my elbow like twice while playing ahahaaa... also I got ramen after!
• Made two separate forms of donut, both for Halloween
• Made a lemon bundt cake, for no reason whatsoever
• Made a white chocolate cheesecake, but this was for a reason
• Made ramen because it's something I've been wanting to do

So. Lots of baking, but it's fall, after all, right?
The lemon cake was really good, I did it like a week ago. I still have one (1) slice left actually... it was a nice first try I think.

Spoiler: lemon cake picture

And I did the cheesecake Friday, and then served it Saturday because it had to go in the fridge I guess? I timed it for Saturday :) (because it was someone's birthday and they gave me the idea to do it!!! thank you so much neesan~)

Spoiler: (birthday) cheesecake

I talk about cooking quite a lot... there's more...

I made ramen, also? With yakisoba noodles and a prepackaged base, but it turned out well enough, I think.

Spoiler: ramen (tonkotsu base)

So... with most of my talking about cooking too much out of the way...

God, I'm maybe a bit of a boring person? Rather, I can't think of anything good to say.

Oh, there's one.

I'm currently figuring out translation commissions (with help from @Blanc who is my amazing amazing big sis), so that's something I am looking forwards to! I enjoy translation a lot, so I think that trying to pursue it in this way would be a nice thing to do~~~

Uhmmmm........ god, what else? Lots of 'not doing anything particularly newsworthy' or something LOL...

Christmas is soon! I like the holiday times in general~ colder days are my favorites, and well, it's getting that way here too.

...

...

...

...

I hope I can write a proper post here soon.

では。

 

[lisianthus]

chinese football, a math rock band from wuhan, china. this is their 2015 debut self-titled album.​

I'm writing this... well, kind of early, one could say? In my timezone, of course, it's Thanksgiving, but sometimes it doesn't feel like a holiday until you wake up on that day, if that makes any sense. So it certain doesn't exactly feel that way, yet it is, technically? Which is why I'm writing currently. At 12:13 AM.

So. What do I hope to accomplish this time?

Much to my dismay (in wanting to write a proper blog post), there's not a whole lot going on in my life. That's okay, I treasure the good things happening all the same, so it's not like I'm unhappy, usually. It depends~~

But, well, in the spirit of the day that today and tomorrow is, I figured that giving my own thanks would be a wise idea :)

So.

First of all, the things I'm grateful for.

Pokémon, of course. A near-constant presence in my life from my oldest memories, and something I've clung onto in some form or manner. And something that will continue to forever be in my life. It's brought me countless friendships, from looking at cards in elementary school to... now, where the people who I value in life are all Pokémon fans, who I've met here. It's nice that it worked out that way.

Which leads me to Bulbagarden as a whole, too. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different without the influence of certain things or people as I've existed, but I can say that I'm happy with my life as a whole, even though some things are definitely not as I would prefer.

It's the time traveler's paradox, right? If you change something, anything, you run the risk of things changing on a titanic and irreversible scale. Of course, that may not happen, but... well, it's something to think about, I suppose. And probably why I have bad choice anxiety, too, LOL. Such is as life goes...

But, well, like I'm trying to say, because of all the elements in my life, and my past experiences, and the people who I've been surrounded with and the people who I choose to be surrounded with now, I'm me. So although things I would have rather not happened to me have happened, considering how my life is going extremely well now, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need that.

I guess it's the right day to be introspective, I suppose... I'll link the album I'm listening to right now above. It's helping to facilitate my thoughts, I believe.

Which would also bring me to something else. Music.

Music is super interesting. I think most people do listen to music, of some sort, even if it's just the radio. And of course, I would be no different. :)

What kind of music do I listen to?

It might be a bit of a shock to some, but I'm actually quite a fan of emo and metal music. Quite a difference from my normal upbeat and 'magical girl'-like personality, but... well, that sort of thing exists in emo and metal, too. Like BABYMETAL and that sort of thing.

But well, that's kind of what I was born and grew up listening to. Not metal much, or at all really, I discovered my enjoyment of the genre... maybe a year ago at most? But emo, yes. My mom is a living paradox as a Mormon who loves punk and emo, and passed the music part of herself down to me pretty well. And so... that's what I do, usually.

Music can convey quite a range of emotions, in my opinion.

And emo is sometimes not a sad thing. I don't think I ever really listen to music in order to make myself sad, I don't think that would be particularly healthy? In the times when one's feeling sad, however, music is there to help, in whatever way.

Oh god, I'm feeling a little embarrassed about all of this, but it's not really like I should be, anyways. I hope. LOL.

What else....

I'm grateful for the human capacity to feel emotions? That might seem super weird, but I don't know, it's nice that I can smile and cry and be a person about things now. I've kind of realized that I'm 'gaining things to feel emotion about', and I think that's probably a part of maturing and growing up. Regardless, for whatever reason it's happening, I'm grateful that that's something I can do.

Oh, and before I talk about individuals, just... I'm grateful for those I'm close to, as well.

Recently, I had a bit of a mental health episode that resulted in me basically disappearing from the 'public eye', so to speak, and a few different private spaces, both of which I don't intend on going back to, fully.

And what brought this on? Rather, what did I learn?

I learned that I much rather preferred the company of a few people that I know well, and am always comfortable with being around, than being with a large amount of people who I only know superficially. If I'm able to do that, I'll more often than not function at my happiest.

I don't feel comfortable in big spaces anymore, but I have the feeling that that's not necessarily a problem, at all. After all, I'm not trying to go away from everyone. I just want to be comfortable, and feel as though I have people and places to go to, no matter what.

So, I'm particularly grateful for those people. Thank you. :)

And so, I think it'd be good for me to start on thanking individuals, now.

I might actually end up posting this tonight instead of later on tomorrow, maybe. I wouldn't want to forget about it, of course...

But, well, here we go~

@Orchid hello oki! (I am currently freezing up because I don't know what to say) I hope you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving morning, eat some vegetables for me please! Putting more lighthearted things aside, thank you for being an oki. It's nice to see you say hello, and I really enjoy the times where you get to say hello to neesan and I, too. You're a very quick and funny person!! And kind, too, I wouldn't think highly of you if you weren't~

@Hawthorn I hope you are also having a wonderful Thanksgiving morning too, please also eat some vegetables for me! I should discuss tea with you sometime soon... do you have a particular snack to go with tea? Anyways, thank you for saying hi sometimes, too. And for being oki's best friend, too. I will speak for him in saying that he appreciates you very very much :)

@Torchic W. Pip Torchic! Thank you for being my guide to the world of fanfics and headcanons and stuff... it's a bit new to me, some of it anyways, but I find that talking with you about Pokémon in that context results in interesting and fun times equally. Also, I find you to be a super understanding and kind torchic in general, too. Your strengths lie in much more than creation, and I'm sure of that.

@Frozen Fennec hi lunie :) I'm really happy that we've been talking much more as of late, if I'm being honest. You tend to surprise me with the amount of music-related things you can do. I'm probably just forgetful, but it's still interesting to hear about it all~. And also, talking about the things you're making, and your plans for it all, is interesting, too. Lunie is someone who I would definitely say is 'cool', because that's just how Lunie is, I guess. So thank you for that.

@Blanc I would never forget you (best for last~) of course. I feel as though I've been saying it to you a lot lately, and I kind of worry that I say this kind of thing too much equally as often (褒めすぎる), but... well, it's from a positive place, please be assured, so... I don't think it could be bad, right? I hope... But well...
Thank you... I'm incredibly grateful to have you. Like how I was talking about the butterfly effect of life and the time traveler's paradox above, if I changed anything I would have risked losing you, and that's something I would never want to happen. My worst nightmare, really. You are my incredible older sister always and forever, no matter what, so... thank you... I feel as though if I say anything more, I'll be bound to repeat what I've said, but I do want you to know that I want to reinforce all that I've said to you recently, and say that I'm extremely blessed to have you! So thank you for existing neesan :) Out of anyone or anything else important in my life, I'm most thankful for you, and I know and believe that with my entire heart. だから、あたしと出会ってくれて本当にありがとう、姉さん。あたしの命を変わってくれて本当にありがとう。あたしは姉さんにこんなことばかり言うけど。。。あたしの感謝を全部言いたいから。。。言わなきゃだめよね？相変わらずに、姉さんが愛してる。そして、ありがとう！




So.....


It's 1:22 AM now. I want to stay up more, and I just might, but it'd be better for me to sleep very soon, I believe.

And thankfully, I actually wrote out a proper post here, I think. Yay~~

Soon (I have no timetable for this), please look forwards to an audio post here sometime within the near(ish) future. I might not have a lot to say, but I do figure that saying hello like this would be a good thing.

では！！

 

[lisianthus]

'i know my words are cliche, you may feel worthless but it'll be fine'
phony - by the end of summer (midwest emo from kyoto)​

and, the third time I've tried to write a post.

lately, I've been... not complaining, but observing, basically, that lately not much has happened in my life.

not anymore lol. such is as life goes... different things are bound to happen in one's life, right? and hoping that they're good would be better, maybe, i think.

so...

This week, it snowed for the first time this year (I say 'year', but it snowed last February too I think?). On Tuesday. It didn't snow a lot, but it was nice to see. And then on Thursday... well, that wasn't a lot too, but it was enough to get school cancelled.

But well... Snow on December 1st is kind of a nice thing, I think... if you know me, one of my 'things' is that I look for connections and meaning and stuff, just about anywhere. Anything to make me hope that there's something, anything out there.

And of course, snow isn't anything that'll convince me of some sort of benevolent deity. But I think it's a nice thing anyways. Something like, the most 'winter' of months having snow on its' first day... isn't that kind of astoundingly wonderful? A pleasant thing.

And even if I don't really like... playing in snow? It barely ever comes here, even though it rains sooo much and is cold enough, sadly, but... maybe that fleeting beauty is something appealing. Snow is some sort of mystical object, revered and talked about in hushed tones among many...

Until you have a driveway full of it, LOL. Then you'd probably curse the snow gods, but, well, we haven't gotten there yet, certainly not. It's just raining now.

Spoiler: I go off on a long random tangent right here

Like normal.

'Normal' is kind of strange, right? Because... literally nobody can define it, at least not in a complete sense anyways. Everyone experiences life and reality differently from others, so... how does that work? I don't know, LOL. That's definitely not what I'm majoring in, anyways... but what I will say is that there's beauty in setting oneself apart from others, I think. Of course, there's a beauty in a lot of different things, but...

And what's normal for oneself gradually shifts, too, which is either a good or bad thing. Or neutral, I guess.

But like, people obviously change no matter what, right? Because of our experiences and that sort of thing. And in my experience, barring a few big things that have impacted me drastically in life, what's made me 'me' has been the result of sometimes miniscule, and often undetected, changes in my environment.

I guess?

I can't tell if this is me just typing an essay about... philosophy (?) or just talking about whatever comes to mind, but I guess this is how I write blog posts. I don't talk about myself, but I talk about matters vaguely pertaining to myself. LOL.

But that there, like...

Maybe you can tell a bit about a person by the way they present their words? like talking and typing and stuff.

And even then, there's code switching too. Changing one's vernacular or even language too, based upon environment, and more often than not, who one is with too.

Oh god, where was I going with this...

So people obviously inherit their own traits from their ancestors, right? Mostly physical, but also mental too I think too.

But the same kind of thing.... well, maybe in a more immediate and perhaps superficial form, can happen too. I think.

Like, word acquisition and slang. Everyone hears a word somewhere, but who was the first to coin it? I wonder...

This is getting much tooooooo introspective-y and 'deep thoughts that mean absolutely nothing', so I'll attempt to actually go with my goal of talking about things more immediate to me.

Christmas? I guess?

I really like the whole holiday season, but it doesn't start to feel 100% holiday until December, the main event for lot of people?

Winter is nice, the sky is gray and the streets are white and uhmmmm

Ugh, I still don't have anything to talk about. LOL.

I guess there aren't really any rules to having a blog, too LOL. It's here for whatever I'd like to talk about.

On a more serious note, here's the 'how I've been feeling lately' portion of the blog.

'Good?' with a question mark. Lately has been nice, I think. I've actually been able to do the things I've wanted to, and be with who I want to, so like...

Oh god again, I forgot to talk about scarlet violet... I finished it and it was good. I have some funny videos of my Altaria, Aria, on the bulbagarden tumblr somewhere if you'd like to see.

But my feelings, right. Despite something kind of shocking and... ugh happening yesterday, which has been not fun at all to navigate, well, I mean, despite that fairly large asterisk there, things have been quite good for myself within the past week or so? I guess? but god that asterisk has been not fun lol

I wish I could write something more of substance here, but then again, it'll be okay if I put basically anything on here I guess.

So.....

では？

(I'm half tempted to just not post anything here, but against my better judgement, I'll leave it here. I probably forgot to reply to someone here, sorry)

 

[lisianthus]

〘Towards the dazzling sky/A new world is coming to us/Like pouring a rainbow〙
My Wonderland by NieN, featured in the DJMAX rhythm game series -- idol k-rock

---

...It feels almost surreal, in a way.

Hi. I'm writing this at not midnight for once LOL... because, well, I just got off of a really important phone call like 30 minutes or so ago.

I don't particularly enjoy discussing or acknowledging my... medical challenges, let's say? Because I do have a few of them -- but I will explain a little bit into what I've been facing for a long while now.

Keeping it as vague as possible -- if you look a few entries up, I think you'll notice a time when I was talking about my mental health severely, severely tanking, around late August. This is directly connected to that time. Genuinely speaking, I was at my worst then -- I don't think I'd say I'm 'lucky to be alive', as things never seriously got that bad, but I was in such a dark, dark place in terms of my struggles. I don't ever wish to go back to how I felt then, and that's putting it lightly. Time passed, though, and I slowly but surely recovered. Starting a part-time job helped to take my mind off of things quite a lot, really.

And now... it's around six months later. And I'll be eighteen years of age in only a few days, which is a bit... odd to think about, LOL! Do I still get to be a magical girl if I'm legally eighteen? Is there a cap on being one? I need to ask a certain Subway Master about this very soon, I think... but that's mostly besides the point.

Now -- in my country of residence, as well as in Japan, where it has been decided I'll be going to university, you become a legal adult at the age of eighteen, and with that comes the freedom to make your own medical decisions. If you are under the age of eighteen, your parents or guardians have to be involved in that sort of thing, and you are unable to 'do your own thing', basically. I understand why such laws are in place, but when it comes to mental health and such, things can get a bit... dicier, if there's obviously something that needs to be addressed and those who are supposed to provide for you are unwilling to help out. This happened to me LOL, but I got through it... mostly fine. Mostly.

So basically, I had the foresight to make a call to set up an appointment about looking into something I'm quite sure I suffer from, in order to receive treatment for it. Everything went really smoothly, honestly, even though I was incredibly nervous and almost hung up twice or so LOL. But... it's scheduled for around two or so months from now. I wish I was able to get in earlier, but they were booked pretty heavily, it seemed, so... I guess I'm just grateful that I'm even able to do this for myself, even if it means I'll have to wait a tad bit longer.

I wanted to share that here because, well, it's a pretty important milestone for me, personally. Mental health battles suck so so much, but... there is hope, in my opinion. Holding onto that hope is sometimes a very difficult task, even for me, but I'll be the first to say that doing so is extremely, extremely worth it.

---

Anyways. Aside from that... I got a laptop a few days ago, hooray! It's a combination graduation and birthday gift, as I don't want anything for my birthday and I'll be graduating (with my associate's degree wooooo) soon. I'm honestly extremely happy with it so far, having used it for a few days by now.

Something about going from this setup to this one:

Spoiler: steam deck + foldable bluetooth keyboard

Spoiler: actual laptop

is really satisfying, I think.

It's an ASUS ROG Zephyrus G14 (2023), and... well, it plays Minecraft with shaders well, and that's really the most 'fancy' game I play, really. It might seem like overkill for someone like me, but I really really love the design and really just... everything about it! I thought my Steam Deck was great, especially when I managed to put Windows on it, but having an actual laptop feels so, so much better. It helps I got this one on a major discount, too LOL.

Aside from that, I haven't done very much to talk about, I think. Got my wisdom teeth out (minor medical details TW), which I needed to do before university, and I recently applied for a passport! It's pretty crazy to think that I'm probably going to be going to university in Japan for real now, like not as a pipe dream but as a real thing, but... I hope to make the absolute most of it, if I can. Also trying to fill out a living dex in Pokémon Y before the GTS officially undergoes shutdown, and I'm more than halfway there, hooray!

The cherry blossoms are blooming here now. Spring makes me sad sometimes because of the weather getting warmer, but... I do like seeing all the flowers start to bloom again, especially the cherry blossoms. I'll try to get a picture to show the next time I update this blog!!

Thanks for reading! I'll try to do something fun and exciting so I can update this blog and share a fun story LOL. I won't promise anything, but I'll try at least. ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ✧

 

[lisianthus]

No proper music selection tonight, but here's a video of my favorite band playing live, just after they formed? Wish they didn't disband, would have been nice to see them live... maybe someday.

Sorry to update this after only just about a day after I posted something! Please bear with me, if you would. It's been surprising to see more people other than the few friends I have look at this blog ahaha... I get shy and nervous sometimes, but if you'd really like to, feel free to keep on reading? Thanks for tuning in. Going to respond to a comment here before I get into more thoughts o7

hope it's okay for me to pop in here, just wanted to say i am very happy to hear that you were able to set up an appointment to address your struggles! i understand veeeery well how hard it can be to make important calls and have important conversations like those, so i'm glad you were able to get through it!!! i hope very much that it all turns out to be helpful and leads you on a path to even more healing. i don't know what you went through at all, but i can only imagine how difficult it must have been and though you are doing better, i hope you can continue to get eeeven better until not even a sliver of that pain is left (perhaps a liiittle unlikely but i'll hope so for you anyway)! wishing for you lots of good things

Hiya, Elm!! This is probably the only time you'll see me speak in uppercase with proper punctuation like this LOL... Elm is someone who I've gotten to be really good friends with recently off the forums! We're a bit similar in terms of 'future aspirations' and such, they're lots of fun to chat with... this is an introduction of sorts, I guess.

But thank you for the congratulations! I'm sure that I'm going to have many more bumps in the road even though I've been able to take a really important 'first step', but... I have a feeling that this is going to make all the difference, or at least something close, in my life, you know? And I'll be able to get through whatever comes after, because everything from before had helped to make me stronger! Thanks for cheering me on, even though I don't go into details too much... I'll maybe explain a little to you someday, after I've been on the 'healing' process for a while. I think you're probably one of the only people I could trust to know a little, but really only a certain Subway Master (that I've told you lots about) is really familiar with everything beyond a surface-level, so even then you might not know everything. etcetc

Anyways, thanks for stopping by! I have tea and scones, so feel free to take as much as you'd like!!

---

off-duty omake nighttime thoughts:

...Being eighteen is going to be so, so weird LOL. I'm already worrying about how things will be for me now that I'll be not seventeen in around 24 hours...... though in practice, I don't think I'll have much to really worry about, I'd hope? Going off to uni will be its own thing, but I don't think I'm close enough to it for the reality of it to really hit me yet... and even then, I think I'll be more excited than nervous.

I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about, like, what it means to like... 'act my age', I guess you could say? Things like, am I okay to still be like this? and that sort of question, which... I guess the obvious answer, really, is 'Of course you're fine!!' It's not like I'm suuuuper childish or anything, and to be honest, maybe that's just not something I need to worry about. Eighteen is a big, scary number, but at the same time, growing up doesn't happen in a day, and it's not truly marked by a date on a calendar, after all. I'm just me, after all, and that should be enough.

And maybe that's just about enough for me, really.

I've found that I've usually taken the position of 'that is just how things are' in terms of many of the experiences and challenges and such I've had in life... if you couldn't tell, I'm a pretty passive person by nature. Speaking my mind has always been an issue for me... but maybe someday, I'll be able to find my voice, maybe. And if not, I think things will be fine, too? I'm flexible like that, after all.

But anyways. Sort of noticed I had forgotten to talk about how I've been feeling lately in my last post, but to be honest, I don't have too much to report on? I've been fine enough, maybe? I'd like to think I'm getting a bit more mentally stronger as of late, my lonelier times aside... keeping myself busy has been a strong suit of mine for a while, I think. It's my way of getting through any tough times or sad feelings, as well as oftentimes being really fun, anyways? What else would I do if I wasn't busy, I wonder...

Been worrying about how to help those I really care about out more, because I've been feeling really useless in regards to that lately? I don't like to think that I can't do anything, even if that really is the case -- maybe that's why I've so strongly identified with magical girl-type stuff, because it seems they're always able to do something, no matter what they face. I want to be like that... but maybe that's something to talk about for another time. I'm trying my best like this, though I'm sure I'm never enough LOL. It is what is is, I guess... I lack self-confidence in many ways, but I think as time goes on I'll gain more, I think. I don't get 'fired up' about a lot, but feeling like I'm making a proper difference in the life / lives of those important to me is something of a big goal of mine.

...Thinking about it, I guess 'protecting the one(s) you love' is a valid 'origin story' for a magical girl, anyways, isn't it? It certainly feels like one, anyways... probably because it's mine, after all? I can't think of other reasons, though you might be able to figure them out better than myself...

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On that note, I guess right now, I'll be admittedly a bit impatient. I know I just wondered this out loud in my entry from a few days ago (go read it if you haven't, please, any readers!!), buuuut... @Blanc pulls you into here if that is fine! I've been thinking about this much more than I should be lately, LOL... 失礼します♡ORZ

...Do I still get to be a magical girl? I think you'd know the answer best for a few different reasons, not only from a 'theological' perspective in terms of you knowing how that works, but also from a 'knowing me' one, because... you know me best out of anyone in the world, I know that for a fact. If the answer is 'no' and I have to become a witch or a vampire(?) or something, I will figure that out, hopefully with your help? It will be okay. I know this is a bit of a silly question, but... I really hope you understand. Sorry for my silliness! You're veeerrrrry good at putting up with me, and I'm grateful. i miss you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sort of think it'll come in handy for something I'm writing as part of my efforts to 'do something to help', that you ('you' as in neechan AKA my older sister AKA Blanc AKA the Subway Master in the room) should hopefully see soon. My writing is the only thing I'm confident in the quality of, T_T... but that is okay, because it's one of my passions, you know? Writing is how I can properly let my ideas and feelings out, and I really like doing it, anyways. It makes me happy when people go to the trouble of reading my stuff, ehehe... I need to revisit that VN idea I had a few years ago... I'll probably scrap half of it, but I liked the plot enough.

Sorry for rambling so much!

As a treat for sticking around for so long, here's some picture of the cherry blossoms around here I was talking about.

Spoiler: 1

Spoiler: 2

Spoiler: 3

Hopefully I won't update for another while LOL! Maybe when the fancy strikes me again and I have more thoughts... you never know, I guess.

Thanks for reading...✧✧