POPULAR: The Samples Thread

[Jewel the Quaxly]

For more context, mankind was wiped out by a pandemic at the time. To preserve their legacy, a group of Pokémon was chosen to be infused with the experiences and memories of the humans, as well as granted an extended life. The Decidueye named Setsuna was one of these Pokémon. These particular Pokémon would share knowledge with the wild Pokémon, allowing them to construct towns and cities similar to the one I described. However, they would keep the part about their humanity a secret.

But because of certain limitations (wings, claws and lack of fingers/thumbs, lack of technical knowledge), there was only so much they could preserve. Machinery was limited and even outclassed by the laboring Pokémon. For Pokémon with low stamina or are unable to move at high speeds, carriages and flying taxis became popular methods of mass transportation.

Part of the struggle was not just starting up these towns, but also reaching out to and being able to cooperate with the wild Pokémon. While this attempt to reach out to them had some success, there were other wild Pokémon who resisted and preferred to live their old ways of life, whether it's through packs or solitary lives (thus gaining the nickname "Uncivilized").

The "Civilized" Pokémon can run their own cities, complete with bodies of government, an economy and housing. That's the extent of their intelligence. But they're not at the level where they can build factories, machinery, computers and electronics. As far as electricity goes, their best application is lighting.


By sniper, I don't necessarily mean a gunman. I mean anyone who can attack from far away and make their mark. In this case, a Decidueye would use its easily detachable quills that it can shoot like an arrow.

Like with machines, guns have fallen into disuse, especially when they were made for humans in mind. It'd be difficult for most Pokémon to wield conventional guns, especially the ones with kickback during use. And also, being able to repair/maintain guns and getting the ammunition. The Pokémon already possess their own abilities, so guns are more trouble than they're worth.

Yeah, this all sounds reasonable to me-in regards to how your sample was written, I mean. I'd like to think builders in this world would be pokemon like psychic types-to do things that only humans with hands can do-and fighting types-for heavy lifting-and electric types-to provide the electricity, unless stated otherwise. The towns being constructed from the human knowledge they received but having many limitations is understandable if only a select few were given this knowledge-then there's only so much that group of pokemon can share. So, yeah, I think the world-building here is pretty solid-and the human/pokemon society here makes perfect sense, if that was what you were worried about. The society here is definitely believable.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

So, a choice between a sample of chapter five of my fic, Unkown: Escape and a sample of a chapter of a future story that won't even be posted until I finish the first arc of it. Which to choose...

Screw it, the second one. I don't usually do first person, so I want to know if the dialogue and prose here sounds natural or interesting enough to anyone.

Spoiler: Around 800 words

The girl was beginning to get on my nerves. She spoke a mile a minute, pacing back and forth across the room, and acted like she hadn't just beat me up with her stupid pink clefairy to catch me in some stupid ball.

Did she even care?

"Gramps, I did what you asked! What more do you want from me? Come on, I have other stuff to do!"

I grit my teeth and felt my cheeks spark, then winced. My cheeks still felt sore from the magnitude of a Thunder I had unleashed earlier. I glared at the clefairy who had managed to counter it, who was currently watching over his trainer pace back and forth with a bored look on his face.

"Daisy May," the clefairy said sternly to the girl. What a stupid name. "You need to calm down."

The girl paused in her rant at her pokemon's tone then sighed. She turned around and I noticed a thin device in her hand pressed up to her ear. Was that was she was speaking into? "...fine, I'll wait a little longer. But if you and Gary don't get here in ten minutes, I'm heading out!"

She huffed into the device, "see you later, Gramps." She pressed something on the device-a button, maybe?-and slipped the device into her back pocket. I stared.

"What?" the girl asked rudely. "Why are you looking at me like that, rat?"

I ignored the clefairy's immediate groan in favor of getting to my feet in retaliation. As comfortable as the bed I laid on was, I would rather put this girl in her place. "Why are you so full of yourself? You just waltzed in on me while I was gathering berries and began attacking me like some psychopath! If anything, it should be me asking the questions around here!"

The girl rolled her eyes. "Clefairy, can you shut that thing up, please?"

The clefairy sent an incredulous look towards the girl. "I'm beat, Daisy May. Don't forget who took the brunt of that Thunder from earlier."

The girl waved her pokemon off like a typical human and swayed her hips back and forth as she left the room. "Yeah, yeah...can you watch the pikachu for a moment? I need to let Alex know that I'll be running a little late to the meeting."

"Sure, no problem." The clefairy replied as I directed my glare towards him. "What? You're a caught pokemon now, might as well just accept it."

"I'm not accepting a damn thing!" I shouted and desperately willed myself to fire a Thundershock. My cheeks fizzed out and the soreness came rushing back all at once. I felt my legs begin to shake underneath me... "I was perfectly fine as I was in the wild, and you and your stupid trainer had to come along and ruin it!"

The clefairy hummed to himself and began tracing patterns on the wooden desk he was sitting on. "First off, getting angry doesn't help your situation. All you're doing it making things harder for yourself and others. Second off, even if you don't believe me, it's true; you're far safer here at Professor Oak's laboratory than in the wild. You won't have to find your own food, either-it's handmade and homegrown here."

I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, but one word caught my attention. I slunk backwards as I felt my fur rise. The clefairy raised an eyebrow at my behavior but didn't comment. "Laboratory?" My voice felt faint even to my own ears. "This is...this is a laboratory?"

"Yes, it is."

I didn't know what a laboratory really was, but I did hear stories about it. As far as I remember, the only time "laboratory" was used in a sentence was when the words "screams" and "pain" were accompanied with it. It was a place of pure pain, I had decided and at the moment I first heard of it decided I never wanted to go near one.

Yet, here I was. Taken against my own will into some wretched red and white contraption as its walls closed in on me...I shuddered and tried to avert my thoughts elsewhere. That was a hard task in of itself, given my current location was apparently a...laboratory.

"Hey, listen," the clefairy seemed concerned, but I didn't really care. Nobody was ever concerned about the being of others in this world-concern wasn't normal. The only thing it was, as far as I was concerned, was fake. Nobody acted concerned for another unless they wanted something in return. And I really don't like giving. "This place isn't so bad. Daisy May might've made a bad impression on you, but she's really a nice human. That goes for Professor Oak too. He'll take care of you."

I recoiled from the clefairy's attempt to reach out. "I don't care," I hissed. "I'm not staying here-" I felt a sudden urge to yawn. "A-and, you're not going to do..." My eyelids felt heavy as I struggled to complete my sentence. I was swaying on my feet. What was happening to me? "T-to do...anything..."

I trailed off as I felt my body tilt. I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

 

[Welkamo]

I don't do first person often, either, so I get the struggle lol.

I grit my teeth and felt my cheeks spark,

"Grit" should be "gritted"

clefairy

I think Pokémon species names might be proper nounsl

The girl paused in her rant at her pokemon's tone then sighed.

The girl paused her rant at her pokemon's tone then sighed.
Also I think "Pokémon is capitalized, as well. (It also has an accented "e", but I understand if some people don't do it because of keyboards.)

She turned around and I noticed a thin device in her hand pressed up to her ear.

Comma after "around".

But if you and Gary don't get here in ten minutes, I'm heading out!"

Woah Gary??

I shouted and desperately willed myself to fire a Thundershock.

In the context of "shouted" being a dialogue tag, I would suggest rewording this part as:
I shouted, and I desperately willed myself to fire a Thundershoc

My cheeks fizzed out and the soreness came rushing back all at once.

Comma after "out".

Also wow that must have been a rough battle.

I didn't know what a laboratory really was, but I did hear stories about it. As far as I remember, the only time "laboratory" was used in a sentence was when the words "screams" and "pain" were accompanied with it.

"Remember" should be "remembered".

Also uh oh what's Oak up to? (though I'm guessing it's going to be revealed that he has good intentions).

It was a place of pure pain, I had decided and at the moment I first heard of it decided I never wanted to go near one.

I would reword this sentence as:
It was a place of pure pain, I had decided, and at the moment I first heard of it, I decided I never wanted to go near one.

Interesting stuff.. The use of first person worked really well.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

For my story The Star and the Prince, which is basically the revamped version of Trials of Mysteria. Yes, I finally(FINALLY!) got around to writing it. Here is the sample!

Spoiler

A hooded figure made its way through the sand, undeterred by the powerful gusts of wind causing sand to enshroud her vision. She pulled her hood tightly around her body, concealing her tattered garments, and glared at nothing as she trekked forward.

A few steps later and a powerful gust of wind caught her off guard. She yelped and tumbled down the sand dune, cursing all the way. "Filthy, bilge-sucking, son of a biscuit eater-ACK!"

She groaned as she rolled to a stop and laid there on her back, her hood having fallen off to reveal her as a buneary with an eye-patch over her right eye. After a few moments she heaved a long sigh and jumped to her feet. "C'mon, Esther, ye can do this! Just a while longer and ye will get to the town..." she trailed off with a blank look on her face as she stared at what was in front of her. "Well...blimey."

The sandstorm hadn't died down, but she could just barely make out houses around her. The very town she had spent all her time searching for and she quite literally stumbled into it.

She pulled her hood over her head and quickened her pace. The deeper she got in the town, the easier it became to see, presumably because the houses blocked the wind better, and the more crowded it got. Eventually, she arrived at the very center of the town, where a marketplace resided. Pokemon were calling out at stands, their wares all consisting of trinkets, blankets, and other objects that wouldn't get ruined by the constant sandstorm. She noticed a few pokemon parked their wagons in one area and walked behind those, making sure to keep her head down. She wasn't here for small trinkets. She was here for something more...unorthodox.

Taking extra care to make sure no pokemon saw her, she slipped into the dark alleyways of the streets. The further she traversed, the more tense she became. A few pokemon leered at her from behind windows and doors, while others watched her carefully, dressed in similar attire to her. She clutched the handle of the cutlass sheathed at her side and didn't let her guard down for even a second.

At the tail end of the alley, was a tavern. The outside looked immaculate, with a spotless porch, pristine wooden exterior, and crystal clear glass windows. Above the tavern's porch was a large, wooden, sign that read The Wandering Hat.

Esther smirked and entered the tavern. The bar was mostly empty at the moment, with only an unconscious crobat slumped over their table in the corner of the room and an oranguru wearing a plain white shirt using a cloth to clean the glasses at the bar table. It was barely visible, but on his hand was the mark of a star. She walked up to the bar table and took a seat, keeping her head down the whole time.

"Water, please."

The oranguru continued shining the glass in his hand, rubbing the exterior in circular motions. She waited patiently for him to finish before he gave her a sideways glance and moved to fill up the cup with water. He slid it toward her and she took a sip as he went back to his task of cleaning the glasses.

"Yer the one known as Sage Alona, ain't that right?"

The oranguru stopped in his task. "That depends," he said, and narrowed his eyes. "Who's asking?"

Esther reached at her side and set down a small sack on the table, not answering his question. "Five hundred wards," she whispered. "All yers, if ye give me what I want."

He eyed her up and down before letting out a sigh. "And what is it that you want?"

"Ye have to ask?" Esther grinned. "Why else would I come all this way to see ye?"

"Right, right, right." He waved her off and set the glasses down. He stepped around the bar table and gestured for Esther to follow him to the back of the bar. "I haven't had anyone come for that in quite a while, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little off-beat. You're my first customer since...huh...two weeks ago, actually."

Esther stuffed the small bag of coins into her pocket and followed the oranguru to the back of the bar and into another room. The room was filled to the brim with stacks of books and papers neatly organized into piles. It was difficult to move around with the sheer magnitude of literature contained in the room, but the way they were organized made it so Esther at least knew where things were. Alona shut the door behind her and gestured for her to take a seat on a stool in the center of the room.

"You'll have to forgive the mess as well," he said politely as he took a seat across from her. "I haven't had the time to tidy up, you see."

Esther nodded. "All is forgiven."

"Now..." Alona crossed folded his arms and straightened up. "What exactly are you looking for?"

 

[CynthiaLover]

Here's a little preview of an upcoming chapter in Dawn of Courage. (Note that this chapter has yet to be proofread so there may be errors in this segment).

Spoiler

Sir Reginald said to the shrine maidens, “Thank you for helping Nova. What do we owe you for treating his severe exhaustion?”

Chloe said in a seductive tone, “Well… he could repay us by spending the night with me. Alone. In the same bed. With no clothes on.”

WHACK!

“Ow! Grandma!”

The older shrine maiden huffed, “There you go again, Chloe. I thought you had changed for the better after Nina talked some sense into you. Don’t start slipping back into old habits again.” She turned to Sir Reginald, “Sorry about Chloe. You owe us five silver for his treatment.”

Sir Reginald nodded and paid the older shrine maiden five silver.

Nina’s eyes narrowed at Chloe, “I hope for your sake you didn’t pull anything while Nova was in a magically induced sleep state. Because if you did…”

Chloe replied hastily, “No, no, no! Don’t worry! I didn’t do a thing! Honest. Grandma and father both kept me in line. Especially grandma. She’s had her eyes on my like a Stealth Falcon. She made sure I couldn’t pull anything… as much as I wanted to. But our talk did smack some sense into me so I’m trying to break my old habits and become a better shrine maiden. It’s just old habits die hard. But I didn’t pull anything, including his pants, so don’t you worry.”

Nova looked a little perplexed, “Something tells me that I missed quite the event while I was out cold from my severe exhaustion. Not sure if I’m happy about that or not, nor do I know if I want to know what happened or not.”

Nina turned to him, “Trust us, Nova, you’re better off not knowing. But, from now on, let us know when you’re having trouble keeping up. We don’t want you to force yourself to overcompensate for our sake, as we don’t want a repeat of this episode. If you’re starting to feel the signs of severe exhaustion because you’re trying to keep up let us know pronto so you can get some much needed rest. I know you don’t like feeling like dead weight to us but don’t push yourself by trying to overcompensate for your shortcomings. Okay?”

He gained a blush, saying, “Okay. I’m sorry I didn’t inform you that I was pushing myself as hard as I was in order to keep up with the rest of you. But like you said I don’t like feeling like dead weight nor did I want to slow our party down so I just kept powering myself onward. Guess that wasn’t the best idea, huh? I’ll be more careful about it from now on.”

Van nodded, “Yes, that’ll help us more in the long run. I know you’re the least experienced of us and this is your first real adventure but don’t force yourself to keep up. If you start getting tired just let us know and we’ll stop, as overworking yourself could have long-term health consequences. If you need rest just say so and we’ll stop, that’s all there is to it.”

 

[Beth Pavell]

Can we remember the point is to offer feedback as well, please? If you're going to post a sample of your own, have a go at giving some feedback to someone who came before you

 

[Unforgettable_Flygon]

A hooded figure made its way through the sand, undeterred by the powerful gusts of wind causing sand to enshroud her vision. She pulled her hood tightly around her body, concealing her tattered garments, and glared at nothing as she trekked forward.

A few steps later and a powerful gust of wind caught her off guard. She yelped and tumbled down the sand dune, cursing all the way. "Filthy, bilge-sucking, son of a biscuit eater-ACK!"

She groaned as she rolled to a stop and laid there on her back, her hood having fallen off to reveal her as a buneary with an eye-patch over her right eye. After a few moments she heaved a long sigh and jumped to her feet. "C'mon, Esther, ye can do this! Just a while longer and ye will get to the town..." she trailed off with a blank look on her face as she stared at what was in front of her. "Well...blimey."

The sandstorm hadn't died down, but she could just barely make out houses around her. The very town she had spent all her time searching for and she quite literally stumbled into it.

I like the air of mystery here. We don't know anything about this character, except for her appearance and what she is, so that's a good hook.

She pulled her hood over her head and quickened her pace. The deeper she got in the town, the easier it became to see, presumably because the houses blocked the wind better, and the more crowded it got. Eventually, she arrived at the very center of the town, where a marketplace resided. Pokemon were calling out at stands, their wares all consisting of trinkets, blankets, and other objects that wouldn't get ruined by the constant sandstorm. She noticed a few pokemon parked their wagons in one area and walked behind those, making sure to keep her head down. She wasn't here for small trinkets. She was here for something more...unorthodox.

Taking extra care to make sure no pokemon saw her, she slipped into the dark alleyways of the streets. The further she traversed, the more tense she became. A few pokemon leered at her from behind windows and doors, while others watched her carefully, dressed in similar attire to her. She clutched the handle of the cutlass sheathed at her side and didn't let her guard down for even a second.

At the tail end of the alley, was a tavern. The outside looked immaculate, with a spotless porch, pristine wooden exterior, and crystal clear glass windows. Above the tavern's porch was a large, wooden, sign that read The Wandering Hat.

Esther smirked and entered the tavern. The bar was mostly empty at the moment, with only an unconscious crobat slumped over their table in the corner of the room and an oranguru wearing a plain white shirt using a cloth to clean the glasses at the bar table. It was barely visible, but on his hand was the mark of a star. She walked up to the bar table and took a seat, keeping her head down the whole time.

Ah. This character is the cautious type, i see. They're also not a regular in this town.
We get a name for the character here - I'm not sure if making the reader wait is a good idea however. You also described the tavern... though wouldn't showing how a character reacts be a good idea too?

The oranguru continued shining the glass in his hand, rubbing the exterior in circular motions. She waited patiently for him to finish before he gave her a sideways glance and moved to fill up the cup with water. He slid it toward her and she took a sip as he went back to his task of cleaning the glasses.

"Yer the one known as Sage Alona, ain't that right?"

The oranguru stopped in his task. "That depends," he said, and narrowed his eyes. "Who's asking?"

Esther reached at her side and set down a small sack on the table, not answering his question. "Five hundred wards," she whispered. "All yers, if ye give me what I want."

You did a good job of setting up Esther up as a blunt character here. Direct and to the point. Plus Alona being really suspicious of this person (or Pokemon, rather)

He eyed her up and down before letting out a sigh. "And what is it that you want?"

"Ye have to ask?" Esther grinned. "Why else would I come all this way to see ye?"

"Right, right, right." He waved her off and set the glasses down. He stepped around the bar table and gestured for Esther to follow him to the back of the bar. "I haven't had anyone come for that in quite a while, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little off-beat. You're my first customer since...huh...two weeks ago, actually."

Esther stuffed the small bag of coins into her pocket and followed the oranguru to the back of the bar and into another room. The room was filled to the brim with stacks of books and papers neatly organized into piles. It was difficult to move around with the sheer magnitude of literature contained in the room, but the way they were organized made it so Esther at least knew where things were. Alona shut the door behind her and gestured for her to take a seat on a stool in the center of the room.

"You'll have to forgive the mess as well," he said politely as he took a seat across from her. "I haven't had the time to tidy up, you see."

Esther nodded. "All is forgiven."

"Now..." Alona crossed folded his arms and straightened up. "What exactly are you looking for?"

Mystery is a good way to end a chapter since you've given the reader a good reason to keep reading.

I like it - and I will definitely want to see where it goes! Why not try mine?

 

[Unforgettable_Flygon]

For my story, New Sands - about a Flygon who is caught up in a new life after he and hundreds of thousands of Pokemon are transported to another world - here's a sample!

Spoiler

Touching down in the city park was a pretty easy affair after a few hours flight, Liam decided. After about two years of living on this world, it had to be. Despite the people of this world only knowing Pokemon recently, they’d seem to have an odd familiarity with them. The way they could identify Pokemon. Flashes of recognition appeared in their eyes whenever they saw one.

Folding his wings behind his back and looking around, he saw a young girl, no more than eight years old. Her face brightened as she pointed at him excitedly. “Look, Mommy! That’s a Flygon!”

“We know dear. You play these games far too much!”

Clearly, the girl didn’t care. ‘It’s a real Pokemon! Not like my brother’s stuffed toys!”

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, walking into a local butcher’s store
.
Adrian's face brightened as he saw Liam walk inside. The young butcher wore his signature white apron - a little stained, Liam noticed. His cheerful demeanour was slightly offset by the heavy butcher's gloves, plastic cap and meat cleaver.

"There you are, Liam! Thought you wouldn't be coming back..." He waved at the Flygon.

Liam folded his wings behind his back as he stepped forward. "No, I was just checking up on my next batch of pemmican." He resisted to urge to gag as the smell of disinfectant stung his nostrils.

"Are all you dragons this... stuck up?"

Liam snorted. "No. The fuck made you think that?" He noticed that Adrian was smiling at him. "What?"

"I think life on Earth is getting to you. You've been using far more human saying and words. Not to mention your English is improving." He paused. "So, what will it be?"

"Three kilograms of ribs will be a start."

Adrian portioned out the meat, shaking his head. "You dragons will be buying out me and every local butcher at this rate!" He put down the cleaver and passed the bag of meat over.

"That a problem?"

"No! Not at all," Adrian replied with an apologetic smile. " You guys make good customers." He walked over to the industrial freezer. “Do you need anything else?”

“One kilogram of whatever fatty cuts you have. The type doesn't matter.”

“Were you a human, I'd have thrown the poster describing meat cuts at your face.”

Liam flicked a wing impatiently. “Just anything. I'm not picky about meat i'm eating... being a dragon and all.”

“Well, the price does. I charge a premium for fattier cuts, you see.” He gestured to a chart of meat cuts on the wall.

“Can’t make sense of it.” Liam pointed to a random choice on the menu. “Really. I don’t need that much for drying and such.”

Adrian's meat cleaver rhythmically thumped as he carved up the steak. “You have any plans for dishes?”

“I’d rather dry it. Fridges are no use when some Electric-Type overloads the power grid.”

“Ah. I see.” He finished bagging everything as Liam pulled out an insulated backpack. “That’ll be eighty dollars.”

“Eighty-”

“I said I charge a premium for fattier cuts, didn’t I?” Adrian grinned. “Now pay up.”

Liam muttered under his breath as he paid. “You guys are charging us through the nose. Still, I’d rather avoid the supermarket if I can avoid it.” He left the butcher shop and flew off in the direction of his apartment.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

@Extension_Driver
First, my overall thoughts. From the writing provided, there's an air of mystery as to what's going on, and I feel like that was intentional; to steadily reveal what is happening as the story continues. But at the same time, I find myself feeling a little too confused. For instance, the part with the mother and daughter feels a little strange. The mother seems to be rather dismissive of the girl acting like seeing a Pokemon is a rare thing. If seeing pokemon was normal, than you'd expect the mother to chide her for being rude; and if seeing pokemon wasn't normal, then the mother acting completely indifferent causes a conflict of interests with what the first paragraph establishes.

I know some of this is cleared up with the background provided in the summary, but make sure to bear in mind that not everyone will read a summary or synopsis. Some people like going in blind to discover what the story is about on their own, and while using your summary as a crutch for explaining things like the universe or an important plot thread that you want the reader to pay attention to is really helpful, be careful not to rely on it too much.

Aside from the mother and daughter interaction, there's also how Liam entered Adrian's shop in the first place. Again, I point to the two issues I mentioned above. Are the people in this world used to seeing Pokemon, or are they a completely new species? Because how is Adrian able to understand Liam? Are pokemon able to speak the same language as humans in this world? Is Liam anthropomorphic? Try to think of your story from the reader's perspective in that they'll have questions that need answering, and you, as the writer, need to give it to them. (Don't worry if you might struggle with this, lmao, I tend to skip over important questions fairly often as well; It'll get better and more easier with practice, though.) (Also, another note, I know the two questions I presented are technically answered in the interaction between Liam and Adrian, where it seems Liam has to learn English, implying that he's had to adjust to the human society, but when I first read through it, those were the first questions that popped into my head and didn't really leave until the second time around.)

Still, despite those issues, I feel that if you cleared those up, the world presented would be very interesting. A world where a Pokemon can just waltz into a butcher shop and argue with the butcher about what meat he wants? Sign me the heck right up! It's a cool little twist I haven't really seen very often in pokemon fanfiction, but it just needs a tweaking in the two points I mentioned above. Liam in particular strikes me as a teenager with adjustment issues. So, your basic "fish out of water" story. However, aside from him seeming to be a little awkward, I can't quite get a proper read on the character. He's supposed to be stuck up, but aside from turning his nose at the disinfectant smell and acting a tad rude toward Adrian, I couldn't really feel anything for the lad. His general indifferent attitude certainly does come off as snooty and stuck-up, like you seem to want the reader to think, but it would help a lot more if you pushed this a little more and really showed how he is as a character; first impressions can be important for many readers and writers alike, so while you don't have to stress out over it, try and make sure to focus on answering the question of "what are others first impressions of him?" in the story then presenting it as such. Of course, this doesn't seem to be Adrian's first time meeting Liam, at least, what I assume(calling it now, I theorize that he helped Liam with learning English!), so maybe try and emphasize Adrian's observation of the flygon: "I think life on Earth is getting to you."

My thoughts sound super jumbled here, but I'm doing this in a time crunch, lol. I don't think I'd get to it if I held it off any longer, soooo...yeah. In any case, your story is interesting. It has a unique premise and my curiosity is peaked. I hope that helped you!

 

[Unforgettable_Flygon]

@Jewel the Quaxly

Thanks for the review! Here's some thoughts of mine:

First, my overall thoughts. From the writing provided, there's an air of mystery as to what's going on, and I feel like that was intentional; to steadily reveal what is happening as the story continues. But at the same time, I find myself feeling a little too confused. For instance, the part with the mother and daughter feels a little strange. The mother seems to be rather dismissive of the girl acting like seeing a Pokemon is a rare thing. If seeing pokemon was normal, than you'd expect the mother to chide her for being rude; and if seeing pokemon wasn't normal, then the mother acting completely indifferent causes a conflict of interests with what the first paragraph establishes.

I know some of this is cleared up with the background provided in the summary, but make sure to bear in mind that not everyone will read a summary or synopsis. Some people like going in blind to discover what the story is about on their own, and while using your summary as a crutch for explaining things like the universe or an important plot thread that you want the reader to pay attention to is really helpful, be careful not to rely on it too much.

Got it! This story was meant to be one of a two or three-part series - describing the arrival of Pokemon on a world that never had them until now. i agree this premise can be a bit confusing, but I planned two other stories, at most - one about Liam's physician (veterinarian?) Trevor, and how he adjusted to the Pokemon arrival. Another was to focus on either a park ranger or Adrian himself - I haven't decided yet. trying to give a sense of time is... odd. I know that if the Pokemon have been on Earth longer they shouldn't be that interesting to the people of Earth. But the Pokemon here have only been on Earth for three to five years at most.

Still, despite those issues, I feel that if you cleared those up, the world presented would be very interesting.

Yes; I planned to do that with the other stories in this series: to show how people struggled with their world being completely changed for better or worse.

 

[CynthiaLover]

Okay, I hope I'm doing this right since the last time I screwed up (my apologies for that, as I had forgotten the rule about first reviewing the previous post since I haven't been on this thread in quite some time). Since there has been no post with a story sample prior to this post I hope it's safe to post my own sample now.

Anyway, here is an event from an upcoming chapter from Dawn of Courage (freshly proofread and edited). Thanks in advance.

Spoiler: Chapter 35 "Heart of a Princess" sample

At the time Nina and Prince Falkner were still talking. Little did they know that King Fredric was eavesdropping on them. He smiled darkly as he saw this exchange transpire.

“Excellent!” he said silently. “My son is courting the Phoenixwing Kingdom Princess. If he succeeds in marrying her then I’ll have access to something incredible, allowing me to rub it in King Blazar’s face. Come on, Falkner, don’t screw this up. Take her and make her your wife so I can reap the benefits of it.”

Nina was still struggling to respond, “Prince Falkner, I admit I’m at a loss for words with what could be called a proposal. You’re an incredible man, one that could change the very fate of this kingdom. Any woman would love to be by your side, and yet you’re willing to make little old me your bride? I admit I’m completely floored by this.”

“Then will you become my queen, Princess Nina?” Prince Falkner asked.

“I… I don’t know… I’ve got this feeling that doing so will betray something that I hold dear to me. I… I can’t quite figure it out but something is holding me back from saying yes.”

She closed her eyes in an attempt to figure out what was preventing her from properly responding to Prince Falkner’s request. She searched her heart for the answer, only for the image of a certain individual to effectively smack her across the face. Her eyes opened quickly, becoming wide as the realization sunk in.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Prince Falkner,” she replied gingerly. “But I cannot accept your proposal. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it but my heart belongs to someone else. I’m sorry but I cannot become your queen, as I’m in love with someone else. Someone who has proven time and time again that I can count on him for anything. Someone who is willing to bend over backwards and put himself at great risk for my sake. Someone who taught me that not all men were like the scumbags in my clan. I’m sorry but someone else won my heart a long time ago. And like an idiot I didn’t realize it until now despite me clearly showing all the signs of being in love with him. I’m sorry, Prince Falkner, but I’m in love with Nova.”

Prince Falkner’s eyes widened in surprise while King Fredric looked furious at the turn of events. However, Prince Falkner’s face melted into a smile.

“I understand, Princess Nina,” he said warmly. “It’s clear that your heart belongs to Nova. You should go tell him how you feel, as I’m certain he’ll be overjoyed at the thought. I’m willing to accept it as it’s your decision. Now go, and embrace the man you love, as there is a chance you could lose him forever if you don’t act quickly.”

Nina smiled, “Thank you, Prince Falkner. You’re taking this very well. That’s a good quality for a man to have. I thank you for understanding what matters to me most.”

She gave a polite bow before darting off back to the guest room to tell Nova how she felt. However, when she got there, she was surprised to see Nova not in the room.

“Where’s Nova?” she asked, now getting worried.

“Lady Nina, why are you here?” Sir Reginald asked.

“I’ve come to the realization that I should’ve come to weeks ago: I’m in love with Nova. I need to tell him this. Where is he?”

Kettu gained a grim expression, “He’s leaving. He saw you and Prince Falkner talking and heard him propose to you. It devastated him, as he feels that this was the universe’s newest attempt to crush him. He decided to let you go so you could have a good future despite the fact he’s in love with you. He’s probably heading toward the inn as we speak. If you want to catch him you’d better go now before he gets a chance to leave the castle.”

Nina’s eyes widened in horror, “No! I can’t let him go! I have to find him immediately!”

She quickly darted out of the room in hopes of catching Nova before he could leave. She ran as fast as she could, hoping and praying that she wasn’t too late. Prince Falkner noticed her desperation and followed her, realizing what was going on. At the time Nova had reached the front doors of the castle. He gave a heavy, defeated sigh and started to open them.

“Nova!” a familiar voice cried out to him.

He stopped dead in his tracks, “It… It can’t be.”

He turned to see Nina barrel toward him, tackling him and nearly knocking him over, embracing him in a tight hug.

“N-Nina! What are you doing here?”

“Preventing you from leaving, Nova!” she said in a desperate tone. “I’ve come to the realization that I should’ve come to much, much sooner. Nova… I love you.”

Nova completely froze, his mind seemingly stopping as he attempted to process this declaration. It took him about a minute to recover, still in a state of disbelief.

“N-Nina… you… love me?” he barely managed to say. “You’re willing to love a good-for-nothing loser like me? But what about Prince Falkner?”

Nina replied, “Yes I do. And you’re not a good-for-nothing loser, Nova. You’ve been the most valuable and wonderful person to ever grace my life. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been in love with you ever since I met you. As for Prince Falkner, he’s an incredible man with virtually unlimited potential, but I can’t love him like I love you. You are my man, Nova, nothing will change that. I love you and only you. So please, don’t leave me. I beg of you, don’t leave me.”

Nova was completely taken aback by this declaration of love, his mind still struggling to process all this.

“She’s right, Nova, as her heart belongs to you,” a voice said.

Nova looked up to see Prince Falkner walk up to them.

“Your Majesty,” Nova said. “You’re really willing to accept this?”

Prince Falkner nodded, “Yes I am. It’s her choice to make. I admit I would’ve loved to have her as my queen but it’s clear she only has eyes for you. I’m fully willing to accept that. I won’t force her to love me as that’s her choice to make. You won Princess Nina’s heart a long time ago, Nova, and I’m completely willing to step aside so she can have the man she truly loves.”

“Considering I was willing to step aside so you could have her I’m surprised at this sudden turn of events.”

A voice then boomed, “THEN STEP ASIDE AND LET MY SON WIN, YOU PINK-HAIRED RAT!!!”

They turned to see King Fredric storm up to them, the queen hot on his heels, trying to stop him.

“Father, what are you saying?” Prince Falkner sputtered.

“You listen here, Nova or whatever your name is, my son is your superior in every way!” King Fredric spat. “As such he deserves a woman like Princess Nina, not a lowly pink-colored cockroach like you! If you value your life then you will step aside and let my son marry this woman!”

Nina countered, “Shut up, you pompous pompadour! I made my decision! You have no right to force me or Nova to do anything you say! It’s clear you want me for something and I won’t stand for it! I love Nova, that’s all there is to it! You cannot force my hand and make me marry someone I don’t want. So what if Prince Falkner is superior to Nova, that doesn’t matter to me. I don’t want anyone other than Nova, so DEAL WITH IT!”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that, woman! And as the king I can do whatever I want. So unless Nova wants to die then he’ll back off and allow my son to have your hand in marriage.”

“Never!” Nova spat. “For once in my life something has gone right and I’m not about to let a spoiled, rotten, arrogant punk like you rip that away from me! I’m sick of dealing with goons like you, especially ones that don’t deserve the power you abuse for your own gain! Your threats don’t scare me, ‘Your Majesty’, so don’t bother!”

“You’re just asking for it, you pink-haired punk!” King Fredric snarled. An idea popped into his head, making him smirk, “I know how we can settle this. You and my son face off in a duel. The winner claims the Phoenix Clan Princess.”

“Father you can’t be serious!” Prince Falkner stated. “Princess Nina already made up her mind! You can’t force her to marry someone she doesn’t want to be with!”

“You be quiet!” King Fredric turned to Nova, “What do you say, pink boy?”

Nova gave an exasperated sigh, “Does everyone have to bring up my pink hair? But more to the point, fine, if it’ll shut you up then so be it. I’ll even tack on an extra condition to the duel. If I win then you have to step down and let Prince Falkner take the crown. And if Prince Falkner wins I’ll be your personal whipping boy.”

Nina looked alarmed, “Nova, please, no, don’t say that!”

King Fredric smirked, “Deal. Easiest bet I’ve ever made.”

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch: they could be goose eggs,” Nova replied coldly.

“We’ll see about that, you pink-haired pest. One hour, at the training arena. Don’t chicken out.”