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POPULAR: The Samples Thread

Is there a reason the bag is cold enough to make him shiver?

In any case, it seems alright, although perhaps the internal narration seems a little casual ("Oh, right. He must have seen the bandage on my forearm.") I presume that's the point, though I'll point out now that it doesn't make the attempt to brush off the enquiry sound like much of a big deal.


I normally like to play my cards close to my chest before publication, but this isn't worth bothering my beta reader over. I suspect the following passage is on the dry side

One Star in a Constellation

219 years ago, a man stood close to this spot, gazing out into Vermilion Bay. Tears still stained his cheeks. His blue frock coat was full of salt, but the engraved silver buttons shone proudly in the morning sun. His name was Evan Roskilly, thirty three years-old, and one of the Royal Navy’s star captains.

Evan Roskilly was the only son of a well-respected Cianwood gentleman, Edward Roskilly. In the mid-18th century Cianwood Island was one of the Middle Kingdom’s poorest counties, and indeed the Roskillies were perpetually in financial trouble despite their social status. Evan’s father had to be resourceful, marrying off his first daughter; the second became a priestess; and for his son, Edward used the last of his savings to send Evan to sea.

It was another clear, blustery morning, probably not unlike that morning 219 years ago. Today I was in neat, suburban Vermilion on the Bay – less of a jigsaw city than Chesilby, but still distinctly maritime. Speaking of maritime, it was from a little Heritage Trust shop on Long Promenade that I picked up an abridged copy of Evan Roskilly’s diary (I read through most of it later that evening). It’s funny what history ends up forgetting. Roskilly’s surviving diaries cover almost his entire career, missing only his teenage years as a ponytailed Midshipman, and later Lieutenant, aboard the 64-gun HMS Formidable. It’s an unusually vibrant insight into a gentleman’s life on the waves.



I never saw a more wild and free a landscape as this. Our first sight of this country was a deep sea inlet sided with lofty snow-capped mountains that the Sinnovards call gjos. It was a country that affected me deeply, at once reminiscent of the Cianwood heath and something autarchic and untameable.”

In the summer of 1780 Roskilly was cruising off the western coast of Sinnoh, serving as 1st Lieutenant aboard HMS Pidgeot, a frigate of twenty eight guns. This was his first real taste of command responsibility. Pidgeot was originally posted to the Sinnovard station to provide an escort for incoming convoys, but in the spring of the following year the posting was enlivened by bloody chaos of the Bishop’s Uprising.

After the loyalist victory at the Battle of Aikenkirk, Pidgeot, along with HMS Interceptor (32) and the sloop HMS Pluto (14), was ordered into the Hailie Gjo to cut off the rebel’s escape. The squadron reached the port of Roke Cross to find the town already in loyalist hands. Seeing the violence of the rebellion first hand seems to have shocked Roskilly:

“… the rebels having taken the abominable resolution to cut their prisoners to pieces in the main square, the flagstones of which were now awash with the forlorn and clotted blood of those who, in their savage passion, the rebels had massacred in cruellest revenge the day before.”

The day would not get any less grim. About a hundred rebels had been captured when the town fell. As second-in-command of the Pidgeot, Roskilly was obliged to be present at the executions:

There not being sufficient gallows to hang them as traitors, they were taken out by tens and destroyed by means of the Interceptor’s electabuzz. After they were dead, the rebels were stript and flung into the sea. All this was most distressing to endure, for”

Roskilly seems to have redacted his diary here, later insincerely adding:

Not the slightest degree of pity nor concern was shown to them at their deaths, theirs was a vile and beastly act not having advanced their cause one step.”
 
@Beth Pavell yeah, there's a reason, and it's in the short story preceeding it. though i guess it couldn't hurt to add the frozen part to the description of the contents of the bag.

well, i'm not great at reviewing expositionary text, but i'll try anyway since i suppose a lacking comment is better than nothing. the first half is pretty list-y. not much grip or incentive to keep reading there. starting paragraph is good i suppose, but the two after are lacking in imagery. it does get better by the end, the description of the bloody murder hooks ya in.
 
219 years ago, a man stood close to this spot, gazing out into Vermilion Bay. Tears still stained his cheeks. His blue frock coat was full of salt, but the engraved silver buttons shone proudly in the morning sun. His name was Evan Roskilly, thirty three years-old, and one of the Royal Navy’s star captains.
Creates a poetic yet slightly cliche feeling, perhaps changing some of the words would keep the same poetic feel.

I never saw a more wild and free a landscape as this. Our first sight of this country was a deep sea inlet sided with lofty snow-capped mountains that the Sinnovards call gjos. It was a country that affected me deeply, at once reminiscent of the Cianwood heath and something autarchic and untameable.”
This transitions well with the mention of the diary.

In the summer of 1780 Roskilly was cruising off the western coast of Sinnoh, serving as 1st Lieutenant aboard HMS Pidgeot,

After the loyalist victory at the Battle of Aikenkirk, Pidgeot, along with HMS Interceptor (32) and the sloop HMS Pluto (14),
A lot of the numbers and specific names drops here, does perhaps make the extract a little dry.

There not being sufficient gallows to hang them as traitors, they were taken out by tens and destroyed by means of the Interceptor’s electabuzz. After they were dead, the rebels were stript and flung into the sea. All this was most distressing to endure, for”
You could do with a little more description here in order to increase the drama and the dark tone.

_

This character is rather sensitive to her external environment and is pretty much remembering the worst day of her life.
But I still think it's a bit purple? I would like to know how much it works.

Yes, I remember the day that it happened.

The stifling coffee shop was bursting through with the scampers and stutters of dead heat of people. The tele-machine blaring the same god forbidden static racket as the mid-morning Sunday’s ‘news’ report. With horoscopes and a poor attempt at politics to distract. The same news was seller perched, crying a racket of the same three to four-word drivel “HERE!” “NEW!” “STORIES!” “HEADLINES!” or some nonsense. I would think that if these words had developed a character to them, they would be that of a glowing neon sign, the kind you would find above a strip club or one of those poor fast-food shifts.

I almost fondly remember, I still had my flesh then, I was one entity with my one memory. I was alone watching the winter morning, just before the end of the Christmas break; when the great masses go to squabble over the last gifts to grant a friend or relative before the last of them were sold for the sweat shop price they were sold at. No matter how much the signs altered to ‘BUY’ ‘OWN’ or ‘VEND’ there was never enough to go around. Some poor sap would always be left out of the rush, and not because he was unaware but simply too late.

I was wearing that dark hooded top I always used to wear, the one with all the edges frayed on the sleeves. My hair was tied back, kind of in a short pony tail. I must have ordered some coffee from there place too. The last ‘meaningful’ coffee I had, or could have had. I had taken my scarf off, the stifling heat of the packed-up-tight bodies compared to the winter wind, was something rather shocking. The winter itself was just about tangible in physical shape through the large adjacent window, with its sill encrusted with the bodies of dead flies from possibly a summer ago. People hurried back and forth out there, with the crowds only growing.

What was I doing? Shopping? Or just waiting for all those bustling gaudy do-goders complete their fevered work so I could have left this place in safety? This was before that time, so it must have been the first. I think I had a mere collection of notes on me then, you know the sort that a human parent might give a 16-year old to keep them quiet for a month. About that much? I don’t to engage in such things anymore, not buying gifts or even associating myself with that kind of thing anymore.

It was for that one friend I had, now I do remember her name. I should, since she has more a part to play in this than anyone else does, her name was Eunice.

I had only met her once before this very day. My occasional contact with her coming solely from a ‘voice over internet protocol service’ the odd chat message here and there. Despite my tendency to not want to even drop a message in sometimes, we never left each other. We had kept each other close, too close, always.

I had gotten up early day almost in anticipation of making some kind of grand purchase; even with the mediocre bills I must have shoved into my purse. I was also apprehensive to the possibility of buying this friend of mine of whom I had only met in the flesh once before something. There was some sense of avoidance coming from it or some kind of deep fear I couldn’t put my finger on at the time. I had wasted most of the morning either mindlessly wandering the empty to near-empty freezing streets of this sundered town or watching these lanes pack with more and more bodies just to melt the continuous cold, even just for a bit. I don’t know how long I had sat there, the radio buzz getting to my ears, the vibration of all the others pounding into each other with each vibration only boiling my blood bit by bit more. It had to be quite a while, at least more than a few hours. Oh god, I had just wasted that day, hadn’t I?

I was looking for a way to ease my frustrations, to perhaps escape the feelings that knotted my stomach and drained me. Coffee was obviously not the answer.

Probably the last ‘decent’ cup of coffee I ever had, or rather the last one that didn’t want me to throw up and create some kind of purple mass on the floor. It was decent at least, although I probably remember it as better than it actually was because of its very associations. No matter how cheap, mass produced my organic brain knew it was, from what I recall, it had a lingering feeling about it, a feeling like home.

Of course, when I think of ‘home’ now it only leads to thoughts of fear.

Exposure.

Death.

But in the days before it conjured the exact images you might expect it to, one of expected comforts, no matter how arbitrary they may seem. I was away from home at time, yes, but not miles, just in the part of town I normally wouldn’t visit. I didn’t like it here, and I don’t even remember why I had chosen to come. Had I expected it to be quiet? I was a fool, wasn’t I?

“HERE!”

“NEW!”

“STORY!”

I wish they would just shut up…

The very last of my coffee was spluttered across the surface of the cheap table as I went to grab my scarf, with the noise still rattling in my ears, I didn’t notice the small ‘splash’ it must have made; a little like a drain gutter just starting to leak.

The next part is funny, because this is when all my (albeit minor) attempts at success that day had not only been ripped straight from me, but twisted unto me in the cruellest way possible.

While pushing apart the busy-bodies to make for the exit, I saw Eunice standing there.
 
@canisaries: A bit late to the party, but I forgot to comment on your sample at the time. I think that your dialogue is good and the rapid-fire exchanges that seem to be your trademark continue to be on fine form, but I wanted to note that, if that is the beginning of the story, there is little reason to really understand or care about the relationship between the characters. We dive straight in with no idea who they are and how they are connected. If there is nothing beforehand establishing the relationship and who they are, I think there should be some sort of paragraph further into the text that explains it.

@Ghostsoul: I don't think it is that purple, though the interjection from "Of course" to "shut up" is disorientating for how it doesn't seem to fit in, yet the prose carries on from it as though it wasn't an interruption or a separate thought, and you could perhaps lose several adjectives here and there so that the sentences flow better. However, the main issue with this section is less the prose and more the grammar and tense. There were multiple times per paragraph where I had to pause because of missing words, the incorrect tense was used or the comma placement made the sentence read oddly. To expand on this, I've made some small edits to some lines which you may or may not find helpful.
Or just waiting for all those bustling gaudy do-gooders to complete their fevered work so I could have left that place in safety?
- the that placement I am unsure of, as I am not sure what tense you are going for.
I had taken my scarf off, the stifling heat of the packed-up-tight bodies compared to the winter wind was something rather shocking

It was for that one friend I had. Now I do remember her name. I should since she has more a part to play in this than anyone else does. Her name was Eunice.

I had only met her once before this very day.
- combines past and present tense in one sentence with "I had" and "this very day".

I had gotten up early that day almost in anticipation of making some kind of grand purchase, even with the mediocre bills I must have shoved into my purse.

The very last of my coffee was spluttered across the surface of the cheap table as I went to grab my scarf. With the noise still rattling in my ears, I didn’t notice the small ‘splash’ it must have made; a little like a drain gutter just starting to leak.
- this is a bit odd: how did they not notice but still also be able to describe it?


I was hoping to get some feedback on this new opening paragraph to Galactic, the first appearance of Cyrus and Team Galactic in the story.
Midnight had just struck. The cheers and screams of the excited crowd were deafening to anyone standing in the streets of Veilstone, but the collective noise was drowned out by the mass explosion of fireworks that lit up the entire city. It was a time for celebration, and as the noise was joined by a strangled mix of pop music and the dim words of the B-list personality hosting the festivities, the revellers and partygoers began to celebrate, eager to dance and drink the night, and 2009, away.

Pathetic simpletons the lot of you.

In one of the buildings now sharing the sky with the rainbow-coloured explosions, the festivities were being watched eagerly by one man. He stared at the crowd the same way a Staraptor stalked Wurmple in the grass, gazing down at his victims as they carried on unaware of the danger awaiting them.

“Yes, that’s right, party and drink like foolish animals, do what the world tells you to do,” he mumbled, pressing his face against the window. “Don’t pay attention to anything, don’t look beyond the pretty lights. I should feel bad about killing you all, but you deserve it, don’t you, you clueless little critters? I could kill every last one of you right now, and you would never see it coming…”

“Sir, everyone’s waiting for you.” The man paused. His body tightened and he bit his lip, and as he turned towards his subordinates, he was tempted to scold them. No one interrupts me when I’m speaking – the words danced across his tongue, waiting to come out. But this was not a time for punishment and shouting. It was a new year, after all, he thought with an ironic chuckle; why start it with an argument when there was so much for them to look forward to?

“I’m ready.” The man left the revelry behind and stared into the darkness of his office. The lights were off, the four figures moving around illuminated every few seconds by the fireworks burning behind him.

A light blinked in the middle of the room a second before a television screen flickered into life. The room was lit up by the glow of the screen. As the four people gathered on either side of him, the man stared at the screen. On it, rows and rows of soldiers stood, hundreds if not pushing thousands: men and women dressed identically in white robes and turquoise wigs, standing like statues before a man and woman at the front of the gathering.

They are so beautiful. The man wanted to smile but remained stoic, his face neutral as he stared down the camera, ignoring the fireworks flickering behind him.

“The time has come,” he boomed, his echoing voice clashing with the explosions outside.

“This may be a false celebration, but the New Year means it is time to strike. Today, the plan I have been working on since I was a mere child will begin. We all have our assignments; we all know what we must do over the coming months. When the time is right, we will march upon Mt Coronet, and we will unleash the powers the rest of the world is too afraid to unleash. We will tear this world down to its very atoms, and in it’s a place, a new universe will begin. Are you with me?”

“YES SIR!” The roar of his followers was deafening even through the speakers, and for a moment he heard none of the noise from outside. “PRAISE GALACTIC! BELIEVE IN CYRUS! PRAISE GALACTIC! BELIEVE IN CYRUS!”

The cheers reverberated throughout the room, and around him, his colleagues began to chant as well, their voices all mixing into one. Cyrus turned and approached his desk, pouring himself a glass of champagne.

He couldn’t put his feelings into words. He felt pride, but it was more than that. He had been waiting twenty five years for this moment. This was everything he had been building towards since he was a child. Everything that happened from this moment on was all leading to a higher purpose – his higher purpose – and finally, after so many years, so much struggle, so much heartbreak, it was nearly his time.

I will break the circle. I will break the perpetrators of injustice. I will break this whole fucking country, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

“Happy New Year,” he boomed, raising a glass to the camera. “May it be fun while it lasts.”
 
@AceTrainer14 Well I don't see any big issues with it, grammatically speaking it fits really well and there's no mistake. Also, it's nice to see Victor is still hating the world as per usual. My only tidbit would probably bit that he talks a bit too much at the start, like maybe convey what he's saying in the prose? In the end it says that he can't put his fingers into words so maybe during his opening monologue it'd be better if the prose was the one doing the talking rather than Cyrus.

Aside from that I think it fits as a start for an interesting journey fic.

As for me. This is for something that I've been working on (in fact I started posting it yesterday), I'll hopefully get to upload this by next month but right now I'm working on what I think is one of my most emotional scenes ever and I'm unsure on whether it works or not, I'd be eternally grateful to anyone that can take a look at it:

I walked closer to her, her sobbing coming off a lot clearer tome as I neared. My eyes watered a bit as well when I saw her, but I continued to approach, slowly moving my snout against her arm, letting it touch her warm skin to let her know she had me there.

She sat still, not paying attention to me in her sobbing. I didn’t relent though and instead continued to prod at her with my snout.

Then, almost without realizing it, I felt a stinging pain spreading through my cheek as my face and body was slapped aside. The sound spread through the tent, causing my comrades to gasp in disbelief as they stared at Sarah’s hand hanging only a few inches above my face.

I was dumbfounded as well, just standing there, face outstretched as I tried to process what had happened.

I slowly turned my head, my mind clear as I saw her heaving figure, tears and snot streaming down her face as she glared at me, arms trembling and eyes filled with madness and disdain. Her lip quivered slightly, as if she was having trouble processing her own thoughts.

And then, the realization to what had just happened hit me. I grit my teeth, turning my face back and before anyone else could react I lashed out.

My body thrust forward, my teeth and mouth clamping down on Sarah’s outstretched hand, causing her to scream in pain. Blood was drawn, gasps were issued and Sarah herself had to bite her other hand to try and hold back her screams.

I don’t know what came over me, maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the fact that Sarah had hit me, disrespected me for the first time since I had met her. I don’t know what it was, but I just stood there, biting down on instinct as I felt her blood course run past my mouth and down her hand.

Then, as soon as it had happened I snapped back, my eyes opening wide as I let go of her hard and moved back, panting to try and get my bearings. My hairs stood on end, a chill running down my spine as I stared at Sarah, expecting her to lash out again, to scream and curse at me for what I had done.

But she didn’t. Instead the whole room went quiet for the first time since we had entered it. Sarah stared at me, ignoring the pain in her hand for a moment before she glanced at it and the blood running down it. It had to still hurt, so why wasn’t she screaming?

She kept her eyes glued to mind, tears beginning to well up in them once more before she threw herself at me and wrapped her arms around my frame, smearing blood on the fur on my back. She put her face against my neck, not even bothering to control herself as she cried everything she was holding back on me.

The others watched, trying to hold back their own tears as the whole sequence of events dawned on us. We were all trying our best to deal with the situation; we had gotten so caught up in it that we had forgotten about each other.

I lowered my head to Sarah’s shoulder, closing my eyes as she let her tears flow down. In that moment I knew, I knew that if I stayed by her side there was always something I could do to help.
 
@Flaze the sequence of events seems pretty good, but the prose is a bit off.

the sentences are pretty long - shorter sentences typically give better emphasis to strong emotion and the feeling of not really understanding what's going on.

some sentences are kinda weird, for example the phrasing "I didn’t relent though" seems kinda juvenile almost and could have used commas or been changed altogether ("Despite her sitting still and ignoring my efforts, I continued to prod at her.").

the description of the slap is good in my eyes.
 
well, "though" is just a word that sounds kinda casual or juvenile to me, plus the lack of commas around the word contribute it a lot. shortening sentences works by separating the actions into their own sentences instead of having multiple things happen in one sentence. that's how i do it, anyway. (sorry i'm not better at explaining, i'm foreign.)
 
I'm genuinely stuck right now. Not only is my current chapter short, all of my attempts to extend it with content have ended up with writers block, and I'm already a few weeks behind where I wanted to be. I have up into chapter 7 written, but I'm back in chapter 4 for posting and I just can't say I'm happy with it. This piece is not proofread as it's liable to get largely rewritten. i just can't seem to say I'm happy with it.

Chapter 4: A Walk in the Park

The next day was more of the same. Up early for training and more attempts to try and get us working better together. I had brought my whole team up to the ranch so we were a bit closer incase we had another incident like yesterday. When I gave everyone a break for lunch I went into town searching for Paul. As I expected I found him eating lunch at the HQ mess. I got myself food and sat down with him.

“Jaklo.” He greeted me after swallowing another bite of his burger, “Tyler told me about the Fearow. I’d’ve kept that for my wall.”

“Never really been a fan of mounts. Probably could have taken a talon I guess. They were bigger than my hand.” I emphasized the point holding up a flat hand for comparison.

“You should be real proud. Hopefully, that thing was one of a kind. When I found the schematics for the machine I never imagined it was currently functioning.”

“I think it was still working when we got there. I was thinking back over the battle, and I think that might be why Pierce evolved. We had been right on top of the machine and Turbine was launching lightning everywhere, so it could have powered on and made Pierce evolve.”

“Might want to get him a check up then. Don’t know what the adverse effects could be.”

“I’ll try and schedule one with Prof. Slate. I’ll have to find a good time between training.”

“Oh? What made you start up again? You’ve been saying that you get ‘on the job training’ for months.” Paul asked with a bit of concern and confusion.

“I guess that last mission reminded me I didn’t get here by being lazy and that I’m not the top of the food chain,” I replied with a defeated shrug.

“So you got rattled by that Fearow.” He said with a slight laugh, “Don’t worry about it kid. We’ve all met our match before. You and your team put up a damn good fight from what I hear.”

“It was brutal. I’ve had to put a Pokemon down before, but nothing that powerful, and the only thing more powerful… well, even you guys could only drive it off.” I said my voice becoming shaky as I thought of the dragon Pokemon.

“And you’re doing the right thing to help with it. You’re training. You’re working at solving the problem.” Paul said unsure of what the problem was.

“Yeah, I’ve been told that, but I’m having trouble finding how to train. It's not like before where it was strength training and running laps or learning smoke signals and firearms. I need to really find a way to lead my Pokemon and teach them because right now I don’t know what else I can offer.” I said reaching the crux of the issue.

“Now that is a difficult question. I’ve always said experience is the best mentor. Perhaps trying changing up how you and your Pokemon work together. Try to find a new way to get things done. We’ll never know a Pokemon’s full potential, but you certainly won’t be tested much sitting around here. I may just have an idea.” Paul smiled a cocky grin, “I’ve been wanting to send a large group of the lower ranked rangers up to the old dam at the top of the park. Not many have volunteered, but if you would be willing you could go and try to clear the area. It’s fairly close to some minor swamped ruins, so it won’t be easy. On top of that last scouting mission showed signs of the dam becoming a Pokemon den. After you clear it out then you’ll have to hold the area until we designate a trail to get there and build the outpost. It’ll be a pretty long stay.”

“Tyler was ok with this?” I asked concerned about the sudden expansionist idea.

“I know we don’t want to go crazy and expand unchecked, but we are looking at only occupying the dam to help control the river flooding. Rushing's been taking some pretty bad hits from the summer storms.”

Rushing was a fair distance down river from us, and I knew they had issues with flooding, but should we go this far entirely changing the environment for their sake. It was that kind of thinking that got us in this mess.

“What about the swamp down past the dam. We’d dry that up.”

“Jaklo you know we wouldn’t block that much water. We are for the balance of humanity and nature above all else. This is for emergencies. That dam is a possible life saver for all the people in Rushing.” Paul said offended by my accusation.

“Sorry. Guess I’m just on edge about everything. It’s not even just Pokemon battling. I’m just waiting for that next disaster.”

“Never just wait. If you think something is gonna happen prepare.”


“Alright, When I’m ready I’ll do it. Did you want me to bring any of the lower rangers?”

“You should do what you are most comfortable with. You wanted to train and take on a challenge, so you decide.” Paul said and left it at that.

When I returned to the ranch I thought about the upcoming task of taking the dam and came up with an interesting exercise. I drew two lines in the dirt and lined everyone up behind the first one. I stood on the other side before giving them instructions.

“You’re job is simple. Get across without stepping in between the lines or going around them, treat it like a pit. When I say you I mean everyone. No one is getting left behind. Ready?”

They all nodded, grunted, or cheered. Yanso made the first move jumping across with no problem. I raised an eyebrow at him, but he just shrugged. Nort stepped up to the line and looked across to the other one then back to the first and across again.

“Not everyone can jump or fly, but all of you have potential especially if you work together.” I cheered them on.

All of them began to chatter and argue the idea of how to get across. Even friends weren’t likely to agree instantly. They seemed to split up into three groups. Pierce, Nort, and Baroness. Lucas, Rath, and Plasum. Then Tex sat alone. No one seemed to have an answer on how to move the metal clad monster. For now, they put their base plans into effect. Pierce lunged at the other line sinking his claws into the other side while he planted his feet behind the first line Nort with the help of Baroness scampered across Pierce’s back to the other side. Once across Pierce simply threw himself over. Plasum and Lucas had an even simpler plan flying Rath over together. This, of course, left Tex alone.

“Come on guys. You have to find an answer somehow. You can’t lift him and he can’t jump. You have to bridge the gap, but he’s too heavy for him to cross with pierce. Think about it and put your heads together.”

At first, they broke into squabbling arguments over who was supposed to help Tex. Then Yanso stepped up silencing everyone. He pointed to Baroness and told her to spray water out into the gap. Next, he had Nort freeze it as it sprayed.

“That’s a bit too thin to support Tex. He’d crush it and touch the ground.”

Yanso shook his head at me and instead sent Nort across the bridge. Now with two of them back on the original side, I was very curious about the plan. Yanso called to Tex and had him kick up a bunch of dirt over the ice bridge. From there the group repeated the process making a brown bridge made of, what was essentially, permafrost. It hadn’t been fast, but it was effective. Tex and Nort just trotted across without issue.

“Hmm. Not a bad trick. Good work. That goes for all of you. I’m gonna try and balance the training around this. There are times where any one of us might not be able to do something, that’s when we all step up to help. Sometimes it might be one of you guys, it might even be me. We’re not just a team. We are a family.” I announced to them the fire in my eyes starting to rekindle.

The entire afternoon went to exercises like this. All of them were amazingly strong, but we lacked the organization of a real team. The only way we got through previous disasters was dumb luck, and I wasn’t gonna rely on that. We were all gonna rely on each other instead. As training wrapped up I let everyone stay at the ranch except Yanso who insisted on staying with me.

The sun was shining harshly in the clear orange sky as it started its descent. Spring was only a few weeks in, but it was surprisingly warm this year. I dreaded what it might be like in summer this year. The storms concerned me more than the heat. Whenever a heatwave hit a thunderstorm was right behind. Rain was soothing, even thunder and lightning could be relaxing, but a real storm was a serious threat. Not only was the weather dangerous, but the bigger thunderstorms drew strong electric Pokemon to them. Nothing too bad had ever shown up, but through the lens of paranoia, I started worrying myself again. One disaster was enough for this week.

At first, I thought about going home, but as I walked with Yanso besides me I couldn’t help but start thinking. The sun was starting to get low, but despite that, there was a new fire burning in me. I turned towards the outskirts and headed into the forest. Yanso was right behind me though he didn’t seem to know what was going on as he scrambled to keep up.

Everything was turning a pale blue as the sunlight faded away. The gorge was my guide. Over the mile or so I hiked the gorge gradually widened. I stopped when the other side was hundreds of meters from me. The gorge was bent like a “U” making a massive clearing. The sky was just fading from blue to black as I arrived. I found a comfy spot and sat down looking at the heavens.

“Gro goro?” He looked around confused on why we were here.

“Just sit down. Enjoy the view.” I chuckled.

As the sun vanished entirely the darkness of the sky was held off by the brilliance of a billion stars. This was one of the best places to see them. No lights from town, no trees, just a vast theater for the stars to dance upon.

“Yanso. The last year has changed everything. I won’t act like I’m not scared, but it’s not about me anymore. The world is much bigger than that” I asked determined while gazing off into the stars, “This is our chance to be better though. We can be stronger, we can be smarter, but none of that matters if we aren’t a team. I need to know you’ll always be here for me. You can’t run off and leave me. When we met we promised to get stronger together. If you want to run off and train in the middle of the night you’re not doing it without me.”

Yanso looked at me and sighed.

“No arguing. We’re in this together, and that means if you are doing midnight training sessions so am I.” I said with a new confidence and big grin.

“Grove gro grov grov.” Yanso argued slicing his right hand through the air.

“Well, why shouldn’t I? I need to train too. Can’t let you show me up.” I chuckled egging him on.

He growled stomping his foot. He began to rant and shout. I just laughed at his tantrum.

“Seriously? Act your age Yanso.” I snickered face palming.

“GRAA!” He shouted extremely serious getting right up in my face.

There was a rustling in the brush behind us. Both of our heads snapped towards the sound. I stood up and shined my flashlight towards the forest. Yanso hissed creeping closer to the treeline. The brush rustled again before a Persian pounced out onto Yanso. It knocked down and pinned Yanso before roaring right in his face. Without a second thought, I ran up and delivered a full force kick to its head. The Persian rolled backward keepings its head down.

“Steel toes. Never leave home without them.” I laughed maniacally before helping Yanso up.

The Persian hissed revealing a bloody mouth and multiple broken teeth. Yanso raised a hand to make me stand back before charging in to fight. The leaves on his arms shined as they became perfectly straight and razor sharp. He and the Persian began to circle sizing each other up. Once the Persian had its back to me pulled a knife out of my boot and lunged at it. It heard me coming and easily leaped sideways out of my reach. Yanso followed up instantly using his leaf blades to slash at the Persian's exposed flank. The cat Pokemon screeched in pain as the blade cut into its shoulder. It tried to retaliate with a flurry of slashes with its claws, but Yanso jumped backward to my side.

“Gro Gro!” He yelled at me demanding I back up.

“Not on your life. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. If I'm gonna lead I need to be fighting as much as the rest of you.” I said full of determination and adrenaline.

The Persian growled starting to slink towards us. It was limping slightly on the leg that Yanso had hit. We had our opening.

“Come on ya pussy.” I taunted waiting for the Persian to act.

It broke into a dash before jumping towards me. I ducked and rolled letting it fly over me. When it landed it’s front right leg buckled and whined in pain.

“Yanso keep him down!” I shouted just getting to my feet.

Yanso ran up to the downed Persian punching and stomping on it in the cut he had made earlier. The Persian writhed in pain as he continued striking the wound. When the big cat seemed to be on the verge of passing out Yanso backed off. I put both hands on my head taking some deep breaths.

“Almost forgot how thrilling battle can be when it isn’t a giant dragon or a mutant bird.” I half laughed trying to catch my breath.

“Grovyle! Gro vyle!” Yanso shouted angrily.

He slashed an X through the air with both arms before pointing to the Persian and then to himself.

“What? I mean sure you probably had that fine, but there is no reason I can’t help. I didn’t do seven years of combat training just to stand around while you guys fight.” I explained confused at his anger.

He growled and threw a fit before letting out a long sigh and letting his head droop. He looked up to me scared and worried.

“Yanso I’ll be fine. I know my limits. I can fight a Persian not a legendary. When we fight one of those I’ll trust you guys.” I told him shrugging off his concern.

Yanso still looked unconvinced.

“This is about what happened to Mike, isn’t it. You’re worried I’m gonna get myself hurt like he was. Yanso that’s extreme circumstances and a bad call. I made it through the Fearow, we all did, and you know why because we worked together. Well mostly at least. That’s why we have to work together even better in the future. The only way we get through this is if we become a real team, and for that, I need to be a part of it not just a leader from the side. How can I call myself your partner when I just sit there giving vague tactical advice?”

“Gro… Gro grovyle.”He muttered still unhappy.

“I’m not hearing a no,” I replied.

Yanso just grumbled not giving me a yes either.

“We can argue after dinner. Come on.” I told him with a smile on my face.
 
@jasonwolf

there is a lot of telling and not showing in this, especially in the dialogue. a lot of things are just told in the dialogue tags, and they don't shine through from the dialogue itself.

for advice on this, i'd really recommend imagining how you yourself would speak/act. it's a way to make the speech sound more authentic and the character seem more real. instead of saying people are concerned and confused, have them say things concerned and confused people would say, and describe what they do while saying it - knitting their brow, fidgeting with their hair, frowning, tapping, posing, whatever. if they don't do anything, don't say anything, and just try to make what you're going for be implied in the lines of dialogue.

observe these two examples:

"I'm not going to survive," I said, sad about my pain.

"Stop complaining," he said condescendingly and rudely.

---

"I-I don't... think I'm g-gonna make it..." I sniffled, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

"Oh, you're such a baby," he sneered, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair.

---

also, a lot of lines are very long and the dialogue tag only appears in the end. you should try putting the dialogue tag after one or two sentences, then continuing with the rest. it flows better and is easier on the reader.
 
Hey so this a plotting scene from a story I plan on starting to upload Friday. I've never shared any of my work with anyone so I'm nervous on if I'll appear mediocre.
"Are you sure this is necessary?" asked the white haired Character #3. "Yes. We can't risk him getting a squadron. It'll encourage more people like him if he succeeds,"said Character #1. "He's going to be facing the Darkness. The chances of defeating it are like hitting a bullseye a thousand yards away on a completely black target. Besides if he inspires others of his degree, isn't that a good thing?" Character #1 groaned as he realized it was Character #4 who spoke."Why is he here," he asked his most trusted friend, Character #2 who poured a liquid into a glass and passed it to Character #4 who started drinking immediately. “Sorry. He insisted on coming. I’ll make sure he’s helpful.” “I’ll be helpful,” Character #4 promised before taking another swig. “We have to set him up. It will be beneficial for all of us,” Character #1 continued. “Tell us what to do. Our friend will be taken care of and no one will say a word,” Character #3 promised. “It’s really fairly simple. There are loose ends Edmond’s got that can justify our word especially with that stupid vacuum of his. All we have to do is fabricate facts behind the scenes and exaggerate the details at just the right time and with us being the only ones left, no one will ever know the truth.” “What?,” asked Character #3. “Are you sure no one will question it,” asked Character #2. “No one will, not the cops, not the victims of the Darkness, certainly not his squadron,” Character #1 assured. “But I like Edmond,” Character #4 interrupted with a slight slur to his words. “So do I. That’s why we’re doing this; for his own good,” said Character #1 as Character #2 refilled the empty glass. He turned back to Character #1 as Character #4 reoccupied himself. “I’m still lost,” murmured Character #3. “He means that it must look like Edmond and that thing he’s created is a danger to society more than the Darkness itself. By the time he gets out of the jailhouse, he’ll be too late,” explained Character #2. “Ahh.” “We’ll ruin the little reputation he has for good and as a reward, we will be the ones who lead the squadron. I’ll be the one to strike that fatal blow to that monster.” “But can he survive in jail?,” Character #4 asked. “Of course he can. He’ll just only be able to fight the stones and darkness of his cell,” said Character #2 with an air of indifference, filling Character #4’s glass for the fourth time. “But if he gets out...,” began Character #4. “Either way it’s him or me. If he interferes, I’ll throw him to the Darkness myself,” Character #1 declared. “After all, history’s a story told by those who survive,” said Character #3. “What’s the cost of one man so four can gain glory? Edmond’s just the price we have to pay,” said Character #2 pouring the last of the bottle into the glass. “He’s the nutcase with the dangerous vaccum who got the past squadron killed,”started Character #1. “So goes the story,” finished Character #3. “So goes the story,” repeated Character #2, pouring three more glasses out of a new bottle. “Edmond’s history,” they cheered, clinking their glasses. “To Edmond! Here’s to his health!,” shouted Character #4, raising his glass before falling over.
I hope this isn't beating anyone over the head with the plan.
 
Okay.
Danglers walked a far distance from where Edmond was.The white and blue Spearow landed on his shoulder.
“Poor Edmond. He really thinks he could lead a squadron with his condition. I’ll have to relieve him of that,”he drawled, scratching the bird behind the head.
He didn't seem to notice the bird peck at him. He walked between two buildings where three other men were waiting at a table.
"We can't risk him getting a squadron. It'll encourage more people like him if he succeeds," said the white haired Norbert.
He's going to be facing the Darkness. The chances of defeating it are like hitting a bullseye a thousand yards away on a completely black target. Besides if he inspires others of his degree, isn't that a good thing?"
Danglers groaned as he realized it was Caderousse who spoke.
"Why is he here," he asked his most trusted friend, Mondego who poured a liquid into a glass and passed it to Caderousse who started drinking immediately.
“Sorry. He insisted on coming. I’ll make sure he’s helpful.”
“I’ll be helpful,” Caderousse promised before taking another swig.
“We have to set him up. It will be beneficial for all of us,” Danglers continued.
“Tell us what to do. Our friend will be taken care of and no one will tell a word,” Norbert promised.
“It’s really fairly simple. There are loose ends Edmond’s got that can justify our word especially with that stupid vacuum of his. All we have to do is fabricate facts behind the scenes and exaggerate the details at just the right time and with us being the only ones left, no one will ever know the truth.”
“Are you sure no one will question it,” asked Mondego.
“No one will, not the cops, not the victims of the Darkness, certainly not his squadron,” Danglers assured.
“But I like Edmond,” Caderousse interrupted with a slight slur to his words.
“So do I. That’s why we’re doing this; for his own good,” said Danglers as Mondego refilled the empty glass.
Mondego turned back to Danglers as Caderousse reoccupied himself.
“I’m still lost,” murmered Norbert. “He means that it must look like Edmond and that thing he’s created is a danger to society more than the Darkness itself. By the time he gets out of the jailhouse, he’ll be too late to set up a squadron,” explained Mondego.
“We’ll ruin the little reputation he has for good and as a reward, we will be the ones who lead the squadron. I’ll be the one to strike that fatal blow to that monster.”
“But can he survive in jail?,” asked Caderousse.
“Of course he can. He’ll just only be able to fight the stones and darkness of his cell,” said Mondego with an air of indifference, filling Caderousse’s glass for the fourth time.
“But if he gets out...,” began Caderousse.
“Either way it’s him or me. If he interferes, I’ll throw him to the Darkness myself,” Danglars declared. “After all, history’s a story told by those who survive,” said Norbert.
“What’s the cost of one man so four can gain glory? Edmond’s just the price we have to pay,” said Mondego pouring the last of the bottle into the glass.
“He’s the nutcase with the dangerous vaccumn who got the past squadron killed,” started Danglers. “So goes the story,” finished Norbert.
“So goes the story,” repeated Mondego, pouring three more glasses out of a new bottle.
“Edmond’s history,” they cheered, clinking their glasses.
“To Edmond! Here’s to his health!,” shouted Caderousse, raising his glass before falling over.
Is this any better?
 
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Well, it absolutely needs some proper formatting. A new line for each new person speaking. As a rule of thumb a character's actions should be on the same line as their dialogue, to reduce the possibility of confusion.
 
@TRNatalie Right now the store looks quite messy and hard to read, cleaning it up helps make it easier to read. @Beth Pavell pretty much said everything else that needs to be said about your story.

How is my story called "One Illness Changes Everything" looking so far? Is there anything that needs to be cleaned up and fixed? Here are the first paragraphs of the story.
Both Bonnie and Clemont are always attached to their mother, Julie. Julie is always a very nice person, she’s friendly around other people, and she also a tough gym leader at Lumiose gym located in Prism Tower. Her grandparents gave her the chance to run Lumious gym when she was 16 years old since she was ready. Prism Tower always had been with her family for generations that goes back about a century in a half. When Julie was younger and her grandfather isn’t able to run the gym because of back pain, her father would run it until he’s ready to run it again since there’s no rules against families helping each other out with running the gym if they had it for generations. Normally she wears a frilly white shirt and has a light blue jacket over it, she also has blue jeans and yellow shoes, but at the gym, her attire is different. When Julie is at the gym, she wears a yellow jacket that has a black zipper on the front, wears yellow pants that has black stripes on the sides, along with black shoes. Normally Julie has her beautiful blond hair pulled back in a pony tail to keep her hair from getting in the way, especially during Pokemon battles; she has blue eyes as well.

Julie met Meyer when she was 22 years old when she contacted him to help fix Prism Tower’s electrical issues since the tower is old. Due to the issues, Meyer and his team went ahead replaced the tower’s entire electrical system and had made Prism Tower safer since there was some fried wires, and more environmentally friendly. Julie decided to slowly update the tower and the gym since the more important issues are fixed, and updates can come later. Julie likes Meyer because how smart he is with electronics and really knows what he’s doing. Meyer did tell her that whenever there’s any problems or issues with Prism Tower’s electrical systems, she can always rely on him since he has been upgrading and helping with appliances and electrical system throughout the city for a few years at the time. Meyer enjoys Julie’s company since she’s nice and sweet. He also likes Julie for how well she battles with her Pokemon against the opponent and their Pokemon, and her ace Pokemon, Ampharos. Whenever that Julie isn’t using her Ampharos, she lets Meyer have it and take around the city for a while. Julie doesn’t mega evolve her Ampharos unless her opponent has a mega evolved Pokemon. Since Lumiose gym is the place where trainers get their fifth badge, most don’t have a Pokemon who can mega evolve or don’t have a mega stone yet. For the next few years Julie and Meyer started hanging out with each other and they eventually started dating. After over a year, they got married and started having children. Everything else from here is pretty much history until now.

It’s somewhat of a cloudy day in Lumiose city, Bonnie is walking to Prism Tower, since she’s too young to be home alone and Meyer, her father is too busy, she’s heading to the gym to be with her mother, Julie. Bonnie is almost eight years old, she has blonde hair that is braided in the front and a little golden yellow color clip to form a short pony tail on the side and has blue eyes like her mother. Bonnie wears a brown short sleeve shirt with a gray bow; she also has a frilly white skirt and pink shoes. Since school just let out for the weekend, most children would just go play with a friend, play outside, relax and watch TV at home, and some do some activities with their families. Bonnie knows that this weekend will be a busy weekend; she, her older twelve year old brother Clemont, Meyer, and Julie are going to clean up the gym to get it ready for when Diantha comes on Monday. The reason that Diantha is coming is because someday when either Drasna or Wikistorm retires from the Elite Four and a gym leader can replace one of them. In order to have a gym leader replace someone in the future, the champion have to battle them and decide if they’re good enough to be an elite four member when the time comes. Whenever a champion challenges a gym leader, they would do it in the league stadium, but the old stadium had just been demolished due to many issues and a new one will start its construction soon. Everyone in Lumiose city is excited that the battle between Diantha and Julie is going to happen and are going to Prism Tower to watch it happen.

“Well we’re here at Prism Tower,” said Bonnie as she talks to her friend Lola next to her.

“Wow, I never had been up this close to Prism tower before!” Exclaimed Lola as she looks up at the tower in amazement, she only moved to Kalos from Unova about a month ago due to her father’s job and is still learning about Lumios city. “It’s so tall; I bet I can see my apartment from up there! Can we go all the way up to the top?”

Bonnie looks up at Prim Tower, “I’m sure that we can find it up there, but my mom said that kids aren’t allowed all the way up there since it’s dangerous.”

Lola looks down at the ground, feeling disappointed, “Aw, I thought it’ll be cool to see the entire city from up there….”

“B-but we can go to the top floor and look around at the city!” Bonnie said as she tries to cheer her friend up, “The floor is a tourist area where they can see the view of the entire city from up there; tourists go there all the time! Even residents of Lumiose go there sometimes as well.”

Lola perked up and smiled as she looks a Bonnie, “Okay, let’s go into Prism Tower and look at the entire city!”

“Alright, let’s go!” Bonnie said as she enters Prism Tower as Lola follows her into the tower.

Once the girls go inside of Prism Tower, Lola takes a look around the room. In the center, there’s an elevator that goes all the way up the tower. There’s a reception desk where people can pay to go to the top floor of Prism Tower to see a three hundred sixty degrease view of Lumiose City. The walls and ceiling are mostly white with neon lights on them to light up the entire first floor, the lights are bran new and there’s some throughout the tower inside. The floor as some new tiles with some new emergency lights installed in case there’s a blackout or the tower loses power somehow. By the reception desk, there’s a little gift shop where tourist can go get some souvenirs that they can get home and post cards they can send to family and friends if like. There is an area by the elevator where trainers can sit and wait for when a current battle has finished and whoever’s next can start heading to the gym. There’s a TV screen where everyone can watch the battle from a camera set up in the gym.

The front desk person noticed the two girls walk into the front door and heading to the elevator, “Hey Bonnie, looks like you have a little friend with you today.” Carl said as he helps a tourist find their way to the art museum from Prim Tower.

Bonnie and Lola quickly turn to Carl at the front desk and go over to him. “Yeah, I met Lola at school today and I’m showing her around Prism tower!” Bonnie said cheerfully. “She moved here from Unova-“

Carl interrupted the little girl since he’s busy, “Looks like that you’re going to have to do this another time Bonnie, your mother needs to talk to you about something.”

Lola is disappointed since it looks like that Bonnie might not be able to show her around Prism tower today. Bonnie is also a little sad, but wonders what Julie needs her for. Is it because she did something bad in school? She did snap at an older boy who had been teasing her today, but kept her temper. Does she have a surprise to give her as an early birthday gift? If it was, would it be a super cute Pokémon that she wants to have as a pet? “Okay, I’ll go talk to mom.” Bonnie finally spoke as she and Lola started heading to the elevator again.

“Wow, your mom actually works here?” Lola asked Bonnie while pressing the elevator button so they can go up to the upper floors.

“Yep, she’s a gym leader here too.” Explained Bonnie, “Me and my older brother Clemont would sometimes go up to the gym floor to watch our mom battle trainers that come through here to get a gym badge.

“Does it get busy here with both trainers and tourist coming through” Lola asked another question.

“Yes it does, especially during the Pokemon league.” Bonnie answered back as the girls enter the elevator.

Bonnie presses the buttons that takes the elevator to the gym floor. The elevator starts heading up the shaft until they reached the floor they’re heading to. They leave the elevator and starts walking down a hallway with dark green floors, walls, and ceiling. The ceiling has no lights on them since they’re already on the floor and the pillars; the lights have an intense yellow-green glow to them. The girls reach the block doors that are closed shut, and noises of a battle can be heard on the other side of the doors. The TV screen above the doors shows a battle going on.
 
I like your story so far. One thing I suggest is putting paragraph 2 and
When Julie was younger and her grandfather isn’t able to run the gym because of back pain, her father would run it until he’s ready to run it again
in past tense as it seems to me these two pieces are written to show or tell something that's happened in the past. I also noticed there are a few words missing here and there such as in paragraph 1
she also a tough gym leader
.
There are two grammatical errors
always had
(I would switch them around) and
the champion have to battle them
(replace have with has).
Here it would be spelled "degree". Other than those areas, you're good.
 
in past tense as it seems to me these two pieces are written to show or tell something that's happened in the past. I also noticed there are a few words missing here and there such as in paragraph 1
When Julie was younger and her grandfather wasn’t able to run the gym because of back pain, her father had to run it until he’s ready to run it again

Switched some words around to make it sound more past tense since it's talking about the past.
There are two grammatical errors
Julie is always a very nice person, she’s friendly around other people, and she’s also a tough gym leader, at Lumiose gym located in Prism Tower.

How does that work?
(I would switch them around) and
Fixed. :)
(replace have with has).
Fixed. :)
Here it would be spelled "degree". Other than those areas, you're good.
Fixed. :)
 
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