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Thesaurus rex
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Since unrepentantAuthor has already given some feedback I'm going to leave the last sample where it is, but before posting a sample make sure the last user has had some feedback first!
 
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I like to read written fiction in full prose, with all the narration, description and dialogue tagging that the medium has to offer. Script may be easy, but it's easy because it doesn't have those things that I appreciate. Actual scripts contain scene directions that compensate for the loss of narration, but script-format dialogue without anything else is difficult for me to enjoy.
I totally understand your point. You see, I have a hard time being descriptive. I have autism, so it kind of limits my storytelling abilities. The way I write stories without a script format is awful: I keep using the same narrative devices and phrases over and over, and I’m not so good with my quotation marks, either. I hope you understand.
 
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I totally understand your point. You see, I have a hard time being descriptive. I have autism, so it kind of limits my storytelling abilities. The way I write stories without a script format is awful: I keep using the same narrative devices and phrases over and over, and I’m not so good with my quotation marks, either. I hope you understand.
Script format is very good for things like screenplay and comics' scripts, so it's not all that bad. However, you should also put some descriptions in the middle. Brief example:

- Giovanni's office. There is only darkness and the flashing lights of the screens. Giovanni's Persian is sleeping on the floor besides Giovanni.
Giovanni: [angry, bellowing tone, pointing his finger at Dr. Namba] YOU'RE FIRED!
- Giovanni's Persian wakes up, staring at his master with a curious expression.

In this way, you can be more descriptive while also giving a bit more of atmosphere.
 
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Script format is very good for things like screenplay and comics' scripts, so it's not all that bad. However, you should also put some descriptions in the middle. Brief example:

- Giovanni's office. There is only darkness and the flashing lights of the screens. Giovanni's Persian is sleeping on the floor besides Giovanni.
Giovanni: [angry, bellowing tone, pointing his finger at Dr. Namba] YOU'RE FIRED!
- Giovanni's Persian wakes up, staring at his master with a curious expression.

In this way, you can be more descriptive while also giving a bit more of atmosphere.
Thanks for the advice! I think I’ll try that from now on!
 
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In the meantime, this is technically from a published chapter, but it's never really been right and is in real need of polishing. For context, this is in the middle of an intense battle, and forms the end of the chapter. The tone is supposed to be tense, violent, and perhaps a bit chaotic. The very last tempo, where the Future Sight strikes, looks somewhat anaemic to me.
Might as well try to make myself usefull by leaving a reply, which is this;

I read it and it certainly read chaotic and tense to me, but violence, not so much. Of course much information is missing, but I'm sure the chapter covers that up, such as location, involved characters (including Pokémon and the one whose internal monologue I'm reading (I think it's Josh) and the scenes leading up to the encounter. The increased font-size of the "aaah, sweet" is intentional? I only see details that matter with not a bit of filler, and that's always great to read. Although the moment where future sight strikes, I feel kinda lost. Who is struck and what is the reaction? I'm also not sure who is using self-destruct. I thought Heatmor, but that one can't learn self-destruct. Also, "Like turning on a lamp," feels a bit too weak, I'd try "like flicking on the sun".
 
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From my latest chapter, take a look at my new format!

-Twinleaf Town, Sinnoh-

[Meanwhile, in Twinleaf Town, Ash’s friend, Dawn, sits on her couch (with Piplup, of course), watching the Pokémon Baccer Tournament. Suddenly, the signal twitches, and the Baccer feed is replaced by the most unusual commercial.]
Dawn: [confused] Huh? What’s this?
Announcer: Hey kids! Do you like Pokémon?!?
Three bored-looking kids: [spoken as blandly as possible] No.
Announcer: Why not?
Kid 1: [clearly reading off of a script] Because they only have limited attacks.
Kid 2: Totally boring!
Kid 3: I wish they were more exciting.
Announcer: Well, wait no more!!
Kids: [in unison] Whaaaa?????
Announcer: Coming to a store near you, Dr. N’s Pokémon Fusions!
[several Fusions scroll across the screen at a ridiculously fast pace]
Kid 2: [dull surprise] Whoa....
Announcer: These Pokémon have been fused together to create a stronger battling performance! Just listen to these happy customers!
[cuts to a father and his son, who are obviously bored out of their minds, while red text that says, “NOT PAID ACTORS”, flashes on the screen]
Dad: My son loved his new Fusion.
Son: I sure did. It was the best present ever.
Dad: [turns to face the audience] You should get one, too. And be like the rest-
[Dawn turns off the TV]
Dawn: What a ridiculous commercial.
Piplup: Lup!
Dawn: Come on, Piplup, let’s go outside. I’ve been needing some fresh air, anyway.
[Before they can, however, Dawn’s mom, Johanna, comes down the stairs, with a blank look in her eyes]
Johanna: Young lady, where do you think you are going?
Dawn: I’m just going outside to play with Piplup.
Johanna: No, you’re not.
Dawn: Why not?
Johanna: You are coming with me to Celadon City.
Dawn: What for?
Johanna: To buy one of those cool Pokémon Fusions.
Dawn: You saw that commercial too?
Johanna: Yes, as did everyone else in town. We must go now, before they’re all taken.
Dawn: Mom, are you feeling okay? You’re talking kind of funny.
Johanna: Haven’t you learned to respect your elders, Dawn? You’re coming with me, and that’s final.
Dawn: If you say so.
[They get in the car, and head to the nearest airport]
I apologize if this doesn’t make sense. But it will once you read the rest of the chapter.
 
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@Jared DiCarlo
Your general formatting on the 'script fic' style is better than what I saw previously in this thread. Adding description to each of the scenes certainly, do a lot to help the context of the story. I still think you can add some more description into the script, however. Try including colours and images: What colours are the advert? What do the fusions that fly across look like? What is the placement of the furniture in Dawn's house? This can also go for the lines her and her mother say. Does Dawn gasp when her mother suggests going to the store? Is her tone more defeated? Is her mum jolly about going to the store, or is she being more authoritative?

Small things like this really help bring a clearer picture to what kind of scene you're trying to portray and what mood you want to bring to it.

Some word lists with different descriptive words might give some insipiration:
In the Mood? 100 Ways to Describe How You Feel - Vocabulary List : Vocabulary.com

List of Adjectives to Describe Tone, Feelings and Emotions

Here's a new PMD style fic I'm working on! (Mild/Moderate Gore warning)

Travelling down the smoke packed corridor lead them to an empty room with a heavy slope. They had pushed their way through, scattering ash along their trail. The two left signs of their destruction – even in subtle ways. The room they reached was too small to have any of the liquid lava or even to hold any wilds. There wasn’t even light arising from steam. What they saw was a descent into darkness. Justice felt a rush of energy rise through her. She felt saliva rising from her jaw as she twisted her mouth. She was so close.

She carried her small helioptile body down into the depths.

As she descended she heard the cries – no the roars – of a Pokémon she had never heard before. That was it. The outlaw. She sped towards the final room, just about making sure her legs could carry her. Vikavolt hovered behind her. His movements cutting the air and creating an out of place but cool breeze behind her. A bright late came into view. The flames! The final room! It was here and for her!

“So, someone is here. Someone has come to find me.” it still spoke her language.

A deino came into view. The weak ground made each of his steps a heavy echo. The glop of the lava beneath made the reverberation so strange. For all the time he had lived in the dungeon his grey fur had become yet black – packed with ash.
“Hey. Champions. Why do you come closer?” it twisted it’s head. Justice felt her blood boil.

She pushed her left foot into the ground. Her eyes burned. The frills on the side of her head trembled as all motions of electricity pulsated through her. Her head buzzed. The crackling fury guzzled her nostrils.

The deino shook its head, “No I said. Come closer.”

Another light flickered from somewhere. Another false sun rose across the room revealing a stunningly bigger room. From behind the deino came a mass of bodies. All kinds of creatures with their teeth gritted and hearts full of vicious desire. Each of them growled and scampered off the ground. They Scattered black dust into the air. It coated the sun in a dark mist the room took on a orange-y murk. Piercing eyes from all corners. Dots of deep orange and hunger. The rage of flame inside them just as their natures provided.

Vikavolt was still moving backwards, “All the monsters, they are here!”

Without regard, Justice splattered out a shock of thunder. The flareon on her left lunged forward its teeth glimmered. Justice jolted her foot away – seeing the flash of light hit the Flareon as it crashed to the ground.

Vikavolt’s body trembled as electricity rolled around in his mouth. A heatmor had found an opening amongst the horde. Crawling on all fours, it’s claws sharp – it prepared itself for a strike. Vikavolt’s focus did not wain, however - The sharp sparks running through his teeth had just reached their maximum. Vikavolt unleashed a spark and thrust it upon the heatmor. Under the weight of the shock, it stood paralyzed as the sharp burning penetrated its body. The red of its skin ruffled at faded until it was replaced with a sickly brown lump. The pupils in its eyes evaporated and became stark white circles. Its husk collapsed. Limbs twitching in place. Vikavolt returned his attention to the rest of the oncoming horde.

Justice took another step back as the flareon she blasted rose from the ground after falling. One eye shut. Pieces of its fur, either jet black or peeling from the body in great pink patches. She could see all the damage of its seared skin. The flareon screamed out in pain. A scream which echoed across the edges of the shadowlit room. The beasts of the horde eyes widened as they were driven to hunt onwards. It was almost as if they too could understand vengeance.

The flareon seemed undeterred by its pain. It’s teeth once again began to shine with lappings of flame. I shot forward and it aimed for Justice’s skull. Vikavolt tore himself away from his corner stormed ahead. He was too late. He heard scraping.
Justice growled. Attempting to push it back with her tiny claws but it was no use. The flareon’s fangs bit deeper and deeper. She blinked as her eyes started to give way. Her mind went numb and shades of red begun to cloud her vision.

Vikavolt readied his pincers. He the flareon’s body tightly. With all his strength he carried the disfigured monster up to the roof of the dungeon floor. The smoke clamming up his wings. He clasped it tighter once more before dropping it. The body made a disgusting squelch as it fell. Perhaps it had died mid-flight? The entire pelt had practically come off now. A bare body with a coat for fur. On its deepest injuries, parts of exposed muscle rippled. Its back limbs taking a horribly unnatural form.

Vikavolt took a sigh of relief and flew back down to his comrade.

Justice’s breathing was heavy. She creaked her head slowly to Vikavolt and attempted to stutter out something he could not hear. She shook some of the blood from her head. Then she slowly lifted herself off the ground.

The death of the flareon had brought an army of salandit pouring through. The deino? Nowhere to be seen. It had slipped behind the wall of monsters. The salandits started to pulse with purple ooze. A sickly-sweet smell wafted through the air. One of them spat close to the corpse of the flareon – it back leg started to melt away. Leaving the image of dry bones.

Justice saw countless bodies going through her eyes. Vikavolt only saw four. Four salandit – still enough to surround them. Even though Justice’s skull felt weak she reminded herself that a pound attack could easily kill one of these little mites.

She flattened her tail and prepared to pounce on the nearest salandit. The salandit gasped and sharply turned its body as Justice ran forward. Justice pushed forward. She kept running. She never noticed the rock in front of her. Her body contorted. Little body in her arms possibly crushed by her attempt to land safely. Her back was hunched over and the light was no longer making her scales glisten. The salandit’s and their beady eyes. Their purple and red ripping plates. Justice’s slow movements. The induvial jolts of her limbs and fingers in her warped position. Ever increasing shades of violet guzzled from the salandits mouths. Some liquid. Some gas. Viakvolt couldn’t take the posion now. He couldn’t leave Justice here to die like that. The death of a partner was far worse form – even if it meant victory.

He threw open the bag, clambering the orb he had found in his tiny green claws. He smashed it onto the ground releasing a bright pink mist. For a few seconds, it was all he could see. A few seconds after, it was practically invisible.
The monsters toppled and spun around him. Smashing into one another. Knocking each other’s heads. Vikavolt raced to pick up Justice. Luckily her roll had not landed her next to any more powerful enemies. If she had done, she would have been ripped to shreds instantly. They had been lucky. Vikavolt shot back up the slope and searched for the final exit to the dungeon with the broken Justice in hand.
So much for success within the league.
 
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@Ghostsoul There are a few spelling and punctuation errors in that (eg: confusing its and it's), as well as odd sentence structures. I think you should have referred to Justice by name before you referred to her by a pronoun. That being said, I like how you write action.

Here's the first scene of Chaos in Kludgetown! I was originally going to PM it to unrepentantAuthor, but I decided to post it here instead.

Rui's ears twitched.

The first sensations she became aware of were feelings, some familiar, and some alien. She could feel the coarse sand below her. She could feel the blazing sun above her. She could feel the cruel desert wind between them... but she could also feel every minute shift in that wind, as well as an ache coming from the middle of her forehead.

She pushed herself up, staggering. Squinting to prevent sand from being blown into her eyes, she looked around to see nothing but dunes for miles around. It certainly didn't look like anywhere in Orre. She watched a strange black bug with far too many red eyes scurry across the sand in front of her, and cringed as it was eaten by a Trapinch.

Something felt wrong.

Rui looked at herself. She was covered in silky, lilac fur, from her four dainty paws to the twin tips of her tail. There was no doubt about it: she was an Espeon.

Phew. Everything was normal.

...Wait. That wasn't normal. She was supposed to be a human, wasn't she?

Who could have caused this? What could have caused this? Was this a dream? ...No, it felt too real. Where was she?

Rui took a deep breath to calm herself. While she didn't have an answer to any of those questions, she could find someone who did. She looked around. Besides the Trapinch, the second Pokémon she saw was an Umbreon, half-buried in a sand dune.

Rui had the rare ability to sense auras, the life force of all living things. It had been invaluable in her journey with Wes, for it had allowed her to detect Shadow Pokémon. Now, this Umbreon's aura seemed strangely familiar. She had known an Umbreon well, but this one felt... too mundane.

She ran over to the Umbreon, digging him out of the sand. He coughed as he stood up, shaking sand out of his fur.

Rui finally remembered who he reminded her of.

"Wes?" she asked, surprised by how different her own voice sounded. "Is that you?"
 
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@Nitro Indigo

I like the bait and switch on that transformation realization!

Rui had the rare ability to sense auras, the life force of all living things. It had been invaluable in her journey with Wes, for it had allowed her to detect Shadow Pokémon.
Don't think this part is really needed. Her being able to describe someone's aura in the first place tells us she can sense them. The journey with Wes doesn't seem to have a reason to be brought up here, so you can save that exposition for later where you can weave it better into some more related scene.

For the Umbreon in the sand, it was unclear what state he was in that sand. Unconscious and just now waking up, or just too tired to dig himself out? It's not massively important to know, but it would help to visualize the scene better.

Hmm, I didn't initially have a sample of my own in mind to share but thinking about it more, I guess I could show the opening of my pokécentric oneshot in progress. I'm new to third person present and not too well versed in third person in general.

Alright, yeah, just keep cleaning your feet… easy, easy… pay no attention to the approaching giant. That giant needs a meal, and while she normally prefers beetles and the like, she hasn’t found any, so a fly like you will have to do. Okay, almost close enough to strike. Just one more step. Stealthy, silent… and finally in place. Stay put now, fly, stay put while I… lunge!

Pletora opens her mandibles wide and straightens her long, segmented neck forward. Her target is the bug-eyed black fly sat on the tip of large leaf in front of her. She hopes to feel the crunchy exoskeleton of the insect on her mouthparts - but said hope drips away as a dark blotch buzzes across her field of view and disappears into the foliage further on. All she tastes is the waxy surface of the leaf.

The scolipede retracts her neck and spits out the dull yet somehow persistent taste. She groans.

This isn’t fair. Nature shouldn’t just run out of beetles unannounced like this. My own stash is starting to run low. I’ll have to ration even harder.

Pletora’s right tail antenna twitches.

Wait. Something’s moving over there, walking on the path of soil. It’s… smaller than me, but bigger than a pikipek.

She knows it’s very likely something she doesn’t want to eat, but her curiosity has convinced her to give it a look. She slips into the lush vegetation and creeps her way to the edge of the path. She stops, letting the bushes hide her.

On the dirty brown path waddles a deep blue creature with a large plume of gray-tipped green leaves atop its head - an oddish. Some smaller leaves grow from its face, forming eyebrows and a little moustache.

Yes! This is what I need! Thank you! thinks Pletora, her heart pounding with joy from this justice. Okay. I should make a strong entrance. That way it’ll be over sooner.

Pletora takes a deep breath in and lets a deep breath out. Then she pounces.

Her four walking legs land on the mold with muffled thumps. She raises her head up high and stares down the oddish, who has now frozen in place, eyes as wide as they can get for its kind.

“You! Oddish!” Pletora booms, and the oddish jumps in its skin. “Give me one of your leaves!”

The walking plant shivers for a while, but eventually gathers its courage to speak up. “I-I won’t!” it puffs, its voice male and old. “I need them to ph-ph-photo-”

“You don’t need all of them,” Pletora interrupts. “I only need one. Let me take it peacefully or it’ll hurt far more.”

The oddish stutters, not knowing what to say. Pletora stands still and stern, waiting for the mon’s answer. Eventually, she gets it - in the form of a blast of purple powder from the center of the oddish’s leaves.

Pletora is blinded by the grainy cloud, but only momentarily. She snorts and shakes the spores out of her way and rushes onward, following the pitter-patter her antennae pick up. Nice try, but I’m a poison type too!

She now sees the oddish scramble along the path, surprisingly quickly for his stubby legs. Either you know I’d find you if you hid among the plants, or you’re really dumb... She speeds up to a gallop, easily gaining on the mon. His troubled breathing is now audible.

“Just stop,” Pletora yells, right behind her target. “Otherwise I’m gonna yank it out!”

The oddish cries out something incoherent, continuing to run. Fine, your loss.

Pletora chomps on the closest leaf, holding onto it tight with her jaws. She shoves her feet into the ground, driving deep grooves in the mold. A loud snap and a distressed wail can be heard.

The oddish, now short one leaf, keeps running as fast as he can. Soon he disappears from Pletora’s vision. Pletora lies down on the mold, catching her breath and admiring her trophy.

I guess I just want general feedback and to know whether if it's too boring for an opening scene. Also how Pletora comes across as a character, maybe.
 
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@Nitro Indigo
Ah, sorry! Should have specified that this is both halfway through a scene and a second draft - I haven't fine-tuned it in the grammar department as of yet. Although I don't quite get the 'odd sentence structure' comment. Maybe I'll see it when I do fine-tune it though.

- skip me -
 
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I guess I just want general feedback and to know whether if it's too boring for an opening scene. Also how Pletora comes across as a character, maybe.
Pletora seems the innocent Scolipede, just busy with surviving but not without a bit of compassion, she has no interest in killing the Oddish, only wishing to take what she needs and no more. It contradicts the Pokédex entries emphasizing the predatory nature of Scolipede, so Pletora could be an exception to the rule in that regard. The only thing I don't understand is why she goes after bugs initially then suddenly opts for leaves. As for the piece as an opening; I don't know what kind of story you want to tell, but from this onset I'd say it could use a bit of spice, a little hook to entice readers. I noted several oddities but you didn't ask for that so I'll spare you my bickering.

Having that said, I’ve always disliked starting with dialogue or in the midst of action without proper setting and introductions. As a reader, I’d like to be properly informed before being dropped into conversation or action, to do otherwise is to surely confuse the heck out of me. That wasn’t so with this sample so good work with that.
 
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Don't think this part is really needed. Her being able to describe someone's aura in the first place tells us she can sense them. The journey with Wes doesn't seem to have a reason to be brought up here, so you can save that exposition for later where you can weave it better into some more related scene.

For the Umbreon in the sand, it was unclear what state he was in that sand. Unconscious and just now waking up, or just too tired to dig himself out? It's not massively important to know, but it would help to visualize the scene better.
That part was mainly in there because I thought that otherwise people would go, "huh? That wasn't in the game", but I'll remove it.

I'll specify that the Umbreon was unconscious.

Thanks!

As for the fake-out, I was going for a Mind Is the Plaything of the Body effect, as in, the mind is already tricking itself into thinking that it's always had this body. I got the idea from a comment on my transformations thread.
 
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The only thing I don't understand is why she goes after bugs initially then suddenly opts for leaves.
Ah, right. It doesn't show here, but she's going to use the leaf as bait for a rare kind of larva that lives underground.

I noted several oddities but you didn't ask for that so I'll spare you my bickering.
Do tell, I'm interested in all opinions. Best to do on my profile or PMs though in order not to clutter this thread.
 
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Mod hat on here - from now on we're asking people to provide content warnings with any sample they post (Check the Rulebook and Information Hub for how these work).

Normally we'd ask everyone to comment on the previous piece before posting their own sample. But of you don't want to give feedback because of content warnings, then please say so in your post
 
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Y'know, Chaos in Kludgetown is currently rated T on Fimfiction, but the content in it isn't particularly darker than what's seen in My Little Pony: The Movie. Probably the darkest it'll get would be Pokémon parts being sold on the black market.
 
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Yoh, peeps! I've come here again with another sample for my story.

This is the introduction of the antagonists of the story. In case you are wondering, this is supposed to be a bit vague, as the reveal is supposed to happen later during the chapter. So, I would like opinions about them, mainly if I made their personality traits and their (lack of) synergy clear enough.

Rating: E

In a shaded side of a deep jungle, a dark ghastly being was traversing the thick vegetation, irradiating an ominous scarlet aura that was reflected on the hanging vines and the moldy trees. Some Carnivine noticed the entity floating into their territory, but they didn’t even dare to chase it away as they could easily sense the great power of its aura. Even if they had never seen anything like that before, they instinctively knew not to mess with that ghost and felt threatened by it.

A flaring red eye set its sight on them, prompting them to quickly escape by frantically flapping their leaves. The ghost narrowed its ruby pupil at the fleeing creatures, before letting out a guttural growl.

“Where is it?”

The ghost raised a clawed hand while an ethereal purple energy shone into its eye. A purplish telekinetic force was exerted on a decaying tree, which ended up crushed by the sheer power of the psychic energy and was effortlessly lifted with the power of the being’s mind. It telekinetically shook the tree a few times before flinging it away, right into a raging river. A Paras scuttled away in fear, as the ghost had just destroyed its home.

“I’m getting tired of this,” grumbled the ghost with a scowl, storming off to another side of the jungle. “Just where is it?”

“Phantom.”

The ghost stopped on its tracks and hissed in annoyance as it got the telepathic message delivered into its mind.

“I’m starving.”

“Seriously? Do you really have to bother me with that now?”

“Feed me. I need energy.”

“Well, tough luck! In case you didn’t realize, I’m very busy,” growled the ghost, trying to ignore the voice.

“The pain. I want it gone.”

“Tolerate it a bit more. You’ll get the chance to feast again soon enough,” snapped the ghost, carefully looking around. “Right now, I need to locate them. They could be a problem if they were to show up at their maximum power.”

“Hurry. My hunger is growing.”

“Care to repeat that last sentence again? You have said that like, I don’t know, only a hundred of times?” retorted the ghost.

“Don’t taunt me, phantom!” thundered the voice in the ghost’s mind, making it flinch in discomfort. “You don’t know the true meaning of pain! What it is like to live in constant agony! To have a void that can never be filled!”

“No, I guess I don’t have that luxury,” mumbled the ghost, rubbing its forehead to soothe the ringing pain.

“Such insolent soul. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t get rid of you already.”

“Oh, let’s see… maybe because you need my help?” pointed out the ghost, while crossing its arms. “Without me, you would still be trapped and starving in that prison for who knows how many decades. Also, you clearly aren’t in condition of doing fruitless travels between worlds and spending energy to find more energy, are you? No, you aren’t. As such, try to appreciate what I’m doing for you, rather than just bossing me around. Remember, we have our mutual benefits for doing this. You get more light, I get more darkness.”

The ghost patiently waited for a response, before hearing a grumble projected in his mind. “Hmph. So be it. But don’t take too long. My patience has a limit,” replied the voice, after which it broke the telepathic link with the ghost.

“I would have never guessed that,” muttered the ghost while rolling its eye, once assured that the presence had left its brain, and restarted its research.
 
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@Cresselia92 You're inconsistent with capitalising Pokémon names, and I'm not sure if the ghost is supposed to be a Duskull or Dusclops. On the other hand, I love how you set the scene.
 
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@Cresselia92
Here's my little opinion about your fragment;
- There's a bit too much "telling instead of showing" with the Carnivine fearing the Duskull (ghastly is used as an adjective so I assume it's a Duskull). One time telling me they fled back to their homes is enough to inform me they're scared. I'm nitpicking here.
- The last part of their conversation feels more as information to the reader rather than being a genuine part of conversation.
- Interesting introduction for certain!
 
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@Cresselia92 You're inconsistent with capitalising Pokémon names, and I'm not sure if the ghost is supposed to be a Duskull or Dusclops. On the other hand, I love how you set the scene.
The character is depicted as a "ghost", but there is no confirmation of it being an actual Ghost-type. As mentioned earlier, it will be revealed at a later point. :)

(Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the “ghastly” is the adjective, not the Pokémon Gastly.)

@Cresselia92
Here's my little opinion about your fragment;
- There's a bit too much "telling instead of showing" with the Carnivine fearing the Duskull (ghastly is used as an adjective so I assume it's a Duskull). One time telling me they fled back to their homes is enough to inform me they're scared. I'm nitpicking here.
- The last part of their conversation feels more as information to the reader rather than being a genuine part of conversation.
- Interesting introduction for certain!
- Hmm… yeah, maybe I could show the fear of the Carnivine in some other way. Having them being simply intimidated and fleeing should be enough, I agree.
- That’s a good point. I suppose I could either trim some parts or have the “voice” snap back at some point. I’ll tweak it to make it feel more natural.
- That’s great to hear! :D

Thanks a lot to you both for the feedback. Much appreciated. ^^
 
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