• All content from the former Roleplaying Games forum has been merged into the Writers' Workshop forum. You can find more information in this thread.

    We hope to see you roleplaying away soon!
  • The World Beyond Restructure is now finished! Check out the update here!
  • Hey everyone! The Writer's Workshop is hosting an exciting event, Trainers of Fanfiction! It's a community event focused around your characters!

POPULAR: The Samples Thread

Megalomaniacal toaster on a keyboard
Joined
Jun 26, 2012
Messages
994
Reaction score
1,902
A random PMD-ish snippet, where heroes get on with their lives after the grand events of the games, a premise I've thought about taking a crack at, but with everything I'm already trying to do, it hasn't really gone anywhere

Rated E for everyone that cares about the boring minutiae of life after glory where nothing interesting happens
-

"Echo, it's time to get up."

Echo, the skitty, twice-savior of the world, Ace-Ranked Explorer, rolled over in her nest and pulled the soft grass that filled it over her ears, grumbling incoherently.

"You do realize what will happen if you don't get up, right?"

Echo brushed the grass from her head, giving it a shake before glancing over her shoulder at her partner, who was leaning against the frame of the opening that led to her den.

"When we lived at the guild, that'd usually mean we'd get told off for lax behavior," Echo said, stretching her limbs one at a time before standing up for a full-body yawn. "And then get stuck with something like sentry duty or escorting the grumpiest, slowest pokémon this side of the Endless Sea."

She stood up, and gazed up, at the grovyle that was her partner. "There, I'm up. Satisfied?"

"We do this every morning," Grovyle said with a shake of his head, leaf waving to and fro. "I've already glanced over the latest expeditions and found an interesting one from an old friend of yours."

That got Echo's attention and her eyes gleamed. "Go on. What has Ho-Oh sent us?"

"Aside from you, to this world, all those years ago?" Grovyle asked dryly, ducking under Echo's Iron Tail before catching it on the backswing with a Leaf Blade. "Apparently, Ho-Oh got a message from Arceus and was told to pass it on to you."

"Go figure," Echo grumbled, brushing past Grovyle to enter the hall, which was lined with other openings, most covered by a cloth, a few sporting doors of various makes, with images of their occupants beside or on them. "Too lazy to come down and deliver it in person."

Grovyle, being twice the size of his partner, scooped her up so she could ride on his shoulder before shrugging. "Could you imagine the hullabaloo if it showed up here though? We'd never get a moment's peace."

"We've saved the world twice over," Echo pointed out. "Yet we're barely treated any differently than any other exploration team."

They entered a massive room lined with tables, piled high with berries. Grovyle grabbed a few, sticking them onto his leaves, and held one for Echo as she nibbled on it. The duo then left and continued on.

"Feats aren't what anyone cares about around here," Grovyle said. "It's who you know and who's on your team. The fact pokémon like..." He glanced around and dropped his voice before continuing. "Legendary pokémon even bother to entertain the thought of going on expeditions with the average pokémon means they respect you. And we've managed to get Arceus and the entire creation trio on our side, as well as many others..."

He shook his head. "Anyway, apparently Arceus has been doing some digging and..." He trailed off, the leaves on his limbs drooping. "It may have found a way for you to get home."

Echo blinked, then snorted.

"I am home," she said flatly. "I've been here for over a decade and gave up hope of ever returning home a long time ago. Just because it's now possible doesn't mean I'm leaving the friends and memories I've made here."

"That sounds rehearsed," Grovyle noted, raising an eyebrow.

Echo's ears twitched, heating up. "I've very had plenty of time to think about it," she admitted, ducking her head sheepishly. "I suppose we'll have to track down Ho-Oh or Arceus and tell them about this. Should've done it years ago..." she added under her breath.

"That will not be necessary, little one," a voice said, as a gold and silver-furred eevee stepped out of a nearby room - a supply closet, Echo idly noted - and fell into step with them. "I heard it all and suspected as much."

Echo nodded. "I apologize for any trouble you may have encountered in pursuit of that knowledge, my lord," she sai, eyeing the form the Alpha Pokémon had taken. "Seems like a waste to have told Ho-Oh about this if you were going to be here yourself though."

"It pays to have multiple methods of passing on a message," Arceus replied. "I was simply passing through and thought I'd stop by."

Echo glanced back the way they'd come and frowned. "I'd be more inclined to believe that if you hadn't walked out of a broom closet."

"It was a nice broom closet," Arceus said defensively, ears going flat.

Echo and Grovyle stared at the eevee incredulously and it at least had the decency to look slightly sheepish.

"It doesn't matter," Arceus said with a flick of its tail, before it glanced back at it curiously. "Such an interesting body. I'll have to remember to thank Sasha for the inspiration. Nobody you'd know," it added, seeing Echo and Grovyle's blank stares. "I know a lot of pokémon. Some like you two, others like...well, regular humans, I suppose." Arceus shook its head. "But at this point, I'm rambling, so I shall make myself scarce. Don't be afraid to give me a call if you'd like to go spelunking."

Arceus walked over to another door and opened it, revealing a swirling portal of light, and vanished into it.

"And that's the bathrooms," Grovyle noted. "Quite the odd duck, that one."

"At least it didn't try to kill us when we met it, like the others did," Echo said.

"I'm...reasonably sure the others wouldn't have killed us - certainly not on purpose, wished to least," Grovyle said. "They just wanted to make sure we were strong enough to explore with them."

"Groudon literally punted you into a volcano, and if Latios hadn't been passing by, you would have died," Echo said.

"Semantics," Grovyle said, flicking a hand dismissively. "Come on, let's go see what's happening in town."
 
Plays too much Yu-Gi-Oh!
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
454
Reaction score
172
Won't say too much about the previous entry, as both A) This thread is a little dated and B) there isn't much to say about the above passage. If anything I'd say some of the descriptors are a little clunky. ("She stood up, and gazed up" being the prime example)

Anyways, the only feedback I'm asking for is if what I'm posting sounds believable. I want to know if it reads like it actually comes from the notebook of a "just barely not a teenager anymore" age dude with a dozen different things wrong with him that all keep him from staying focused.

Snowboarding is my life.

Yeah, it sounds edgy and like something a teenager who hates his parents would say, I know. I had one of those phases, like everyone else. But I’m way past it now, and I still think that snowboarding is my life. Spencer Weeks, snowboarding and not much else. That’s pretty much me.

It feels so weird to write that. It really drives home how stupid it sounds when I see it in writing. I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud, and I think I’ll keep it that way. It would just make sound even stupider, even if it is true. It was Heather’s idea for me to write all this stuff down, and so far, I don’t think it’s working how she hoped it would. She said it would be “therapeutic”, but so far I’m just writing about how dumb everything I write down is. Who knows, maybe it could be and it’s just the ADHD kicking in and keeping me from staying on topic.

Anyways, I was writing about snowboarding. I’ve been doing it for almost eight years now, since I was twelve. I’ve gotten pretty good in that span of time, and it’s pretty much all I do nowadays after the snow starts falling every year. I spend a good portion of every summer daydreaming about the late fall. Luckily, the snow starts falling pretty early in Colorado, and sticks around pretty late. I actually just got back from a pretty good session before Heather sat me down and made me start writing this. I think she’s gonna use this whole writing thing to try and trick me into therapy. She means well, but I don’t need therapy. At least, not the type she has in mind. She preaches to me all the time about how mental and physical therapy both could help me “cope with Tourette’s”. What is that supposed to even mean? I’ve been “coping” with my Tourette’s and ADHD and everything else for years. I’ve got no clue why she’s been so crazy about it these last few months. It’s not like my I’ve gotten any twitchier recently,

I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to be writing about. Heather just told be to write about whatever’s bothering me, but… nothing’s really bothering me? I mean, there’s my Tourette’s, but I’m used to that. And there’s my online classes, but they're really more of a chore than anything. Maybe I just don’t have any problems to write about.

I guess that’s all for now.

-Spencer
 
Gone batty.
Joined
Sep 12, 2018
Messages
1,200
Reaction score
513
So... I've been working on a fanfic about certain Eevee for almost a year now (I'm good at coming up with simple plot ideas and not the worst at expanding them into less simple ones, but terrible at actually writing them). I don't want to reveal too much plot details right now, but it takes place in game canon Sinnoh, three years after Pokemon D/P/Pt (technically very first scene starts two years before action of said games, but it doesn't really have much plot bearing).
Anyway, I simply wanted to ask for feedback on said very first scene - hatching and first months of life of said Eevee.
Glaceon looked with pride at four eggs laying inside the straw-filled pen. The ice Pokemon had every reason to be proud - they were, after all, her children.

Three of the eggs already hatched yesterday, giving birth to three Eevee. By now one of them was already setting its first, still shaky and careful steps inside the hatchery, the other was curiously examining a cracked fragment of the egg it was born from - and all three seemed to be constantly hungry.

Glaceon already showed the new life to her owner, professor Rowan. He was a renowned Pokemon researcher, specialising in evolution process - and it was for sake of said research that he decided to breed Eevee, Pokemon with multiple extremely varied evolutionary forms.

Two more eggs started to crack, catching Glaceon's attention. Criss-cross pattern of scars slowly started covering both green shells as something moved underneath. Two new Pokemon were about to come to this world.

Finally, after few minutes, smaller of the two eggs broke into several pieces and a hatchling slowly crawled out. It was small even by its species standards, with black tip on its left ear. It's green eyes oppened slowly, unused to the light, and started looking around curiously.

Very carefuly and shakily, newborn Eevee moved closer to Glaceon. It instinctively knew that her presence means safety - and in its first days in an dangerous, hostile world, it needed any protection it could get.

***
All seven young Eevee were growing very quickly. Few weeks after hatching they were already adept at using their species' native language and professor was sure that they'd be able to understand even Pokemon of other species if there was a need. They were also slowly learning to understand human speech - much faster than a wild Pokemon would.

What was worrying was the green-eyed one - not having much talent for naming, Rowan called it simply "Number Four". He was one of five males in the litter. Slightly smaller than his brothers and sisters, but equally or even more curious, he would spend all day exploring the facility, playing with his siblings, professor and his assistants and slowly getting accustomed with live in the lab. A quite normal young 'Mon it would seem - if it wasn't for his rather clear disinterest in battling.

Number Four really disliked fighting. He would stay away from any battle - be it an encounter with a wild Rattata trying to loot Rowan's fridge, or just a pretend fight with his siblings. Normally the old researcher wouldn't even notice - but this time he specifically needed the hatchlings to learn combat as soon as possible in order to make them evolve.

Rowan blamed this apparent fear of direct encounter on a combination of Fourth's insatiable curiosity and yearning for knowledge and influence of his father - old, scar-covered Espeon, until recently wild. Rowan found him - back then still an Eevee - several months ago, during his visit to Kalos, terribly maimed and slowly dying of multiple deep stab, cut and bite wounds and a nasty poisoning - clearly a work of Seviper. Professor managed to bring him back from the brink of death, nurse him to full health and even evolve him (though he wasn't exactly sure if him turning into Psychic type was a sign of trust for humans, or an attempt at getting back at Poison types) - but wasn't able to cure the mental trauma.

No matter the reason, it was rather clear that he won't be able to turn Number Four into battler - and he wasn't going to try.

Thus, while the rest of the litter slowly mastered the art of fighting, Fourth spent his days learning about the world. His understanding of human language was slowly getting better and he was starting to expand his still very basic knowledge of their technology and culture. Sometimes he would spend all day sitting in front of a tabletop PC, batting curiously at the mouse with his paws, trying to work out how moving it can affect the things on screen, rolling around on keyboard and inadvertently destroying the work of whoever was unfortunate enough to use it at the moment, and - at one point - gnawing through cables. He was similarly fascinated by lamps, at which he could stare for hours at time, flicking them on and off if switch was within his reach (fortunately, it usually wasn't). He once tried examining the matter transmitter that professor used to send Pokemon under his care back to their trainers and almost ended up getting himself accidentaly teleported. And he could sit motionless in front of fridge all day (although it rather quickly became clear that in this case he's more interested in its content than method of working).

It was several months after the birth of seven Eevee when professor decided to give Number Four away. Not just to anyone, though - he already had a right person in mind.
 
Thesaurus rex
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
6,581
Reaction score
2,266
A gentle reminder to participants in this thread - we do ask that you give some feedback on the previous extract (If someone hasn't already done so) before you post your own
 
What I tell you three times is true.
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
340
Reaction score
213
A gentle reminder to participants in this thread - we do ask that you give some feedback on the previous extract (If someone hasn't already done so) before you post your own
Snuggles to the rescue!

Won't say too much about the previous entry, as both A) This thread is a little dated and B) there isn't much to say about the above passage. If anything I'd say some of the descriptors are a little clunky. ("She stood up, and gazed up" being the prime example)

Anyways, the only feedback I'm asking for is if what I'm posting sounds believable. I want to know if it reads like it actually comes from the notebook of a "just barely not a teenager anymore" age dude with a dozen different things wrong with him that all keep him from staying focused.

Snowboarding is my life.

Yeah, it sounds edgy and like something a teenager who hates his parents would say, I know. I had one of those phases, like everyone else. But I’m way past it now, and I still think that snowboarding is my life. Spencer Weeks, snowboarding and not much else. That’s pretty much me.

It feels so weird to write that. It really drives home how stupid it sounds when I see it in writing. I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud, and I think I’ll keep it that way. It would just make sound even stupider, even if it is true. It was Heather’s idea for me to write all this stuff down, and so far, I don’t think it’s working how she hoped it would. She said it would be “therapeutic”, but so far I’m just writing about how dumb everything I write down is. Who knows, maybe it could be and it’s just the ADHD kicking in and keeping me from staying on topic.

Anyways, I was writing about snowboarding. I’ve been doing it for almost eight years now, since I was twelve. I’ve gotten pretty good in that span of time, and it’s pretty much all I do nowadays after the snow starts falling every year. I spend a good portion of every summer daydreaming about the late fall. Luckily, the snow starts falling pretty early in Colorado, and sticks around pretty late. I actually just got back from a pretty good session before Heather sat me down and made me start writing this. I think she’s gonna use this whole writing thing to try and trick me into therapy. She means well, but I don’t need therapy. At least, not the type she has in mind. She preaches to me all the time about how mental and physical therapy both could help me “cope with Tourette’s”. What is that supposed to even mean? I’ve been “coping” with my Tourette’s and ADHD and everything else for years. I’ve got no clue why she’s been so crazy about it these last few months. It’s not like my I’ve gotten any twitchier recently,

I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to be writing about. Heather just told be to write about whatever’s bothering me, but… nothing’s really bothering me? I mean, there’s my Tourette’s, but I’m used to that. And there’s my online classes, but they're really more of a chore than anything. Maybe I just don’t have any problems to write about.

I guess that’s all for now.

-Spencer
This writing sample has made me acutely aware of paragraph indents. I'm not if they're needed when writing for a forum, but it's a nice attention to detail. Makes your fic just the tiniest bit more professional.

However, I have to ask: Why is Spencer Weeks writing this? It seems too broad and life-spanning to be a diary entry, but the final libe indicates something of that sort. This could be a clever way to deliver exposition if that could be worked out. Maybe an in-character introduction? Perhaps the first page of a diary, or a first post for a blog? There'd need to be a littke shuffling around to nake it work, but not much.

So... I've been working on a fanfic about certain Eevee for almost a year now (I'm good at coming up with simple plot ideas and not the worst at expanding them into less simple ones, but terrible at actually writing them). I don't want to reveal too much plot details right now, but it takes place in game canon Sinnoh, three years after Pokemon D/P/Pt (technically very first scene starts two years before action of said games, but it doesn't really have much plot bearing).
Anyway, I simply wanted to ask for feedback on said very first scene - hatching and first months of life of said Eevee.
Glaceon looked with pride at four eggs laying inside the straw-filled pen. The ice Pokemon had every reason to be proud - they were, after all, her children.

Three of the eggs already hatched yesterday, giving birth to three Eevee. By now one of them was already setting its first, still shaky and careful steps inside the hatchery, the other was curiously examining a cracked fragment of the egg it was born from - and all three seemed to be constantly hungry.

Glaceon already showed the new life to her owner, professor Rowan. He was a renowned Pokemon researcher, specialising in evolution process - and it was for sake of said research that he decided to breed Eevee, Pokemon with multiple extremely varied evolutionary forms.

Two more eggs started to crack, catching Glaceon's attention. Criss-cross pattern of scars slowly started covering both green shells as something moved underneath. Two new Pokemon were about to come to this world.

Finally, after few minutes, smaller of the two eggs broke into several pieces and a hatchling slowly crawled out. It was small even by its species standards, with black tip on its left ear. It's green eyes oppened slowly, unused to the light, and started looking around curiously.

Very carefuly and shakily, newborn Eevee moved closer to Glaceon. It instinctively knew that her presence means safety - and in its first days in an dangerous, hostile world, it needed any protection it could get.

***
All seven young Eevee were growing very quickly. Few weeks after hatching they were already adept at using their species' native language and professor was sure that they'd be able to understand even Pokemon of other species if there was a need. They were also slowly learning to understand human speech - much faster than a wild Pokemon would.

What was worrying was the green-eyed one - not having much talent for naming, Rowan called it simply "Number Four". He was one of five males in the litter. Slightly smaller than his brothers and sisters, but equally or even more curious, he would spend all day exploring the facility, playing with his siblings, professor and his assistants and slowly getting accustomed with live in the lab. A quite normal young 'Mon it would seem - if it wasn't for his rather clear disinterest in battling.

Number Four really disliked fighting. He would stay away from any battle - be it an encounter with a wild Rattata trying to loot Rowan's fridge, or just a pretend fight with his siblings. Normally the old researcher wouldn't even notice - but this time he specifically needed the hatchlings to learn combat as soon as possible in order to make them evolve.

Rowan blamed this apparent fear of direct encounter on a combination of Fourth's insatiable curiosity and yearning for knowledge and influence of his father - old, scar-covered Espeon, until recently wild. Rowan found him - back then still an Eevee - several months ago, during his visit to Kalos, terribly maimed and slowly dying of multiple deep stab, cut and bite wounds and a nasty poisoning - clearly a work of Seviper. Professor managed to bring him back from the brink of death, nurse him to full health and even evolve him (though he wasn't exactly sure if him turning into Psychic type was a sign of trust for humans, or an attempt at getting back at Poison types) - but wasn't able to cure the mental trauma.

No matter the reason, it was rather clear that he won't be able to turn Number Four into battler - and he wasn't going to try.

Thus, while the rest of the litter slowly mastered the art of fighting, Fourth spent his days learning about the world. His understanding of human language was slowly getting better and he was starting to expand his still very basic knowledge of their technology and culture. Sometimes he would spend all day sitting in front of a tabletop PC, batting curiously at the mouse with his paws, trying to work out how moving it can affect the things on screen, rolling around on keyboard and inadvertently destroying the work of whoever was unfortunate enough to use it at the moment, and - at one point - gnawing through cables. He was similarly fascinated by lamps, at which he could stare for hours at time, flicking them on and off if switch was within his reach (fortunately, it usually wasn't). He once tried examining the matter transmitter that professor used to send Pokemon under his care back to their trainers and almost ended up getting himself accidentaly teleported. And he could sit motionless in front of fridge all day (although it rather quickly became clear that in this case he's more interested in its content than method of working).

It was several months after the birth of seven Eevee when professor decided to give Number Four away. Not just to anyone, though - he already had a right person in mind.
I started this read by obnoxiously HMMMMM-ing out loud. There's a little technical thingymajigs that you could polish up; some missing grammah words (prepositions? My english teacher sucked), some filler words you could chop off of sentences. But that's me nitpicking. I've never found grammah too important if the content's there, and while that isn't a universal opinion, I still enjoyed this. Mostly because BABY EEVEES OMG I WANT TO HUG THEM FOREVER

Yeah, this is adorable. Rolling on keyboards, fascinations with lamps, gnawing on cables. Not even a fighter. Number Four is #1. Honestly, I'd put something cute in the first sentence, send a clear message what you're going for. Cuteness is this excerpt's bread and butter. My eyes were glazing over at first, but then I saw something about staring at flickering lamps and I was hooked. Reread all the parts I wasn't really thinking about, got my dose of exposition.

Seriously, Fourth is so adorable and innocent and if you take that away from them I swear to poop I'm interested to see how this character is developed, if they can keep their charm while growing up.

Yeah, I'm being a veeeeery shallow critic, but...baby Eevees, man! C'mone!

____


And that's two excerpts commented on. And you know what? I'm such a nice guy, I'm not even gonna post an excerpt. Freebie excerpt posting, courtesy of your boy Snuggles! Aw, yeah! tilts shoulder, cocks head back, smiles, thumbs up, awkward pause, coughs, reverts to neutral position, twidles thumbs, pulls out phone
 
Thesaurus rex
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
6,581
Reaction score
2,266
Here's something I've been toying with for a while. Most of it is fairly polished, but for the very end. I've been debating whether to try finishing it in my breaks at work.

The Young Lord
“The sword or the glaive, commander?” the old squire asked, but his lord wasn’t listening. The young lord Olectron was staring at a hololith on the wall of the dressing room. Three days out from Alectra’s World and he still wasn’t used to his new title. Commander. The second most senior officer aboard the Diomede, commander of the sixty thousand souls that called the starship home. He still remembered his sister’s jealous glares when Mother made the announcement. They had ranted and railed against the appointment, citing a hundred and one reasons each why the honour should go to them, but Mother would not be moved. The title was his by right.

No, his sisters would not soon forget this slight. Ever since they had been children, the three of them had fought fiercely for their mother’s favour. It was an old tradition of House Alectra, passed down in the blood. Even so, there had been some times when the three Alectra children did manage to put aside their differences, at least before their father died. The hololith had been taken little more than a year before that black day, when they had celebrated the Feast of the Emperor’s Ascension at Revilan Station. Olectron smiled faintly to himself. The family had dressed to impress that day, proud and powerful in their matching burgundy livery, a lion’s head roaring on their chests. His twenty-five year old self stared back out of the hololith across the years, flanked by his sisters – passionate Ilectra to his right, studious Ulectra looking grim on his left. They had fought repeatedly that night, and yet the girls each had an arm around his waist as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“The sword or the glaive commander?” his squire asked again.

“What? Oh … what do you think?”

“The glaive is a handsome weapon, sir.”

The glaive was a most handsome weapon, Olectron had to admit. Five feet long, mounting a two-foot sword blade, the Alectran glaive had been the signature weapon of House Alectra’s void armsmen since Grandmother Chastity won the last House War. It was a weapon for the frantic carnage of a boarding action, where sharp steel is as deadly as a shotgun blast. In those merciless battles the armsmen fought shoulder-to-shoulder, presenting the enemy with a dense hedge of steel blades.

“No. The sword. Today I am a bridge officer – and bridge officers are swordsmen, are they not, Rodrigo?”

“Indeed they are sir.”

Squire Rodrigo deftly buckled the sword belt onto Olectron’s armour. In truth, he was no squire but an old House Alectra bannerman, the last of his own House. Nonetheless, the old squire was a true polymath of the armoury, as proficient with the sword and glaive as he was with pistol and boltgun. As Rodrigo brushed imaginary specks of dust from his armour, Olectron couldn’t help but look back at the hololith, at the three lordlings in their burgundy livery.

Ting-ting, ting-ting, ting-ting, ting! The ship’s bell rang softly through the room. Seven bells – half an hour until Morning Watch. Half an hour until the start of Olectron’s third day as Commander of the Diomede. Olectron glanced again at the hololith on the wall, and swallowed to clear the tightness in his throat.

“Seven bells. Are you with me Rodrigo?”

“Now and always, my commander,” Rodrigo replied softly. “Now and always.”

*​

In the depths of space, there is nothing but silence, and the long dance of the planets.

Whirling in a dense belt around a fierce young star, millions of asteroids glint and glimmer in the harsh light. Four new planets orbit in the belt, primeval rocks half-molten in their birth throes, colliding with asteroids and battered by the solar wind. It is a system much like any other, unremarkable in the vastness of the galaxy, useful only as a layover for ships travelling the wild depths of the Fringe.

Cruising on the edge of the asteroid belt, a tiny star flare burns. This star is not a star, but the plasma drive of an Imperial starship – a trading galleon, race-built and swift for her size. Solar wind sparks and fizzes frenetically off her void shields. Manoeuvring thrusters spurt and stutter as she carefully dodges the treacherous gravity tides that lash out from the stellar chaos of the asteroid belt.

Over four kilometres long from prow to stern, the Diomede is a ship built for the Fringe Worlds – swift, and dangerous. Almost one third of her length is taken up by the massive plasma reactor and the engines, burning the stuff of stars to provide power to the ship’s myriad systems. Her port and starboard flanks are lined with gun decks, rows of house-sized macrocannons unmasked as a silent threat to would-be pirates. Atop her dorsal spine, still more guns lie recessed in turrets, great plasma-projectors waiting ready to throw streams of star-fire across the void.

Set just in front of the engines, atop the upper decks, the bridge rises like a castle a hundred metres above the rest of the ship. There, beneath the sensor masts and observation blisters, beneath the layers of adamantium armour, was a gilt door. It opened automatically at Olectron’s approach.

"Commander on deck!" The Lord Boatswain bellowed.

Olecton looked around the hall. Every bridge officer, every man who could, was standing to attention, head dipped in a court bow. Those who couldn't, who were hardwired to their stations, at least bowed their head. He looked around nervously, and gave a brief nod. Everyone relaxed.

Olectron strode to the Commander's pulpit just in front of the captain's throne. He leaned against the cool, smooth metal surface. The bridge looked different today. Landsmen never appreciated the scale of the bridge on a ship like this. In a wide semi-circle in front of the command dais, every station had a huge pict-screen above it, crammed with data that nevertheless was only a summary of the activity going on at the consoles below.
 
What I tell you three times is true.
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
340
Reaction score
213
Here's something I've been toying with for a while. Most of it is fairly polished, but for the very end. I've been debating whether to try finishing it in my breaks at work.
I'm in a weird position where I think this is good, but it's personally not clicking for me. I feel outside the target audience, and I can point to one very specific reason why: too many unclear nouns.

“The sword or the glaive, commander?” the old squire asked, but his lord wasn’t listening. The young lord Olectron was staring at a hololith on the wall of the dressing room. Three days out from Alectra’s World and he still wasn’t used to his new title. Commander. The second most senior officer aboard the Diomede, commander of the sixty thousand souls that called the starship home. He still remembered his sister’s jealous glares when Mother made the announcement. They had ranted and railed against the appointment, citing a hundred and one reasons each why the honour should go to them, but Mother would not be moved. The title was his by right.
The words I underlined aren't literally meaningless, in that they probably do have meaning. Many have very rigid meanings in the real world, but the sci-fi aspects made me unsure if those meanings remain. Thus, as a first-time reader, I don't know what they mean. I don't have immediate working context, which means you'll need to either spend precious words explaining what they mean, i.e.:

Commander. The second most senior officer aboard the Diomede, commander of the sixty thousand souls that called the starship home.
That, or let the reader "fill in the gaps", or just let them be meaningless if you want to write meaningless. But these strategies backfire if your reader isn't capable of "filling in the gaps" or wants meaning out of your fiction, which is exactly the kind of reader I am...

...but at the same time, I think that's the point? There's an audience for fictional worlds detached from reality's meanings. For some people, I'm sure they want their fiction to be an escape from reality. And while I deeply respect that, that alone isn't enough to grab my attention.

Yeah, ironic coming from a Pokémon fan, but I've always liked Pokémon media that had some connection to reality. Like, I view Pokémon as a set of ideals, a world designed to be better than ours. And those ideals being expressed, explored, examined; that's what I want out of a Pokémon product. Pokémon's core ideals are utopian, or rather, a vision of a better world. And I want to learn what kind of world we, as sentient beings, should be striving to create. And your excerpt's world isn't attractive and applicable enough to make it a compelling ideal. And with the amount of meaningless words I have to decipher, to me, it's a slog to read.

Then again, these are some very personal opinions. They are not universal; in fact, I think I'm in the minority here. I do think there's an audience for your fiction. And they'd probably find something of value, too. Their lives would be made better by reading this, and I don't feel comfortable taking that away from them. But I won't be in your audience. I just know better ways to spend my time, and while that won't be true for everybody, it's true for me.

So...how do I criticize this? Do I view it from the perspective of your potential audience, based on my knowledge of pop culture? Or do I view it from my own perspective, based on my own life experiences? And I just don't know how to answer this.

This was a thought-provoking excerpt to give feedback on. If nothing else, that has value in and of itself. I'm glad I read it, but I'm not sure I'd read more. But that's just, like, my opinion, man.

Snuggle's gonna post an excerpt one of these days. But not today. Someone else take the commander's hololith and steer us into the Fringe.
 
What I tell you three times is true.
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
340
Reaction score
213
Turns out "one of these days" was Friday. Time for Snuggles to stop talking in the third person post an excerpt. It's a short one (more of a technicals check-up than actual content), and I'd rather not give too much context, so...here it is!

These people, something's off about the way they move. Their body language in general, actually. When all signs hint they'll take a step, they stay in place. When all signs hint they'll shift left, they shift right. They use their left arm after signaling they'll use their right, bat around eye contact with no rhyme or reason, snap their body around just a little too quickly. I just can't pin these people down. It's not unnatural or anything like that. Just unnerving.

Yeah, not much to work with. So I'm not expecting much analysis. Do me, internet!

EDIT: Added content warning.
 
Dieter
Joined
Aug 3, 2010
Messages
1,062
Reaction score
896
@Snuggle Tier List your except seems fine. Any of the changes I would are more preferences than anything, but here are my changes behind the spoiler. And there was one grammatical error, 'signalling' is with double l.

Something's off about the way these people move. Their body language in general, actually. When I think they'll take a step, they stay in place. When I think they'll shift left, they shift right. They use their left arm after signalling they'll use their right, bat around eye contact with no rhyme or reason, snap their body around just a little too quickly. I just can't pin these people down. I think it's unnerving.

I removed 'It's not unnatural or anything like that', because to me it does actually seem unnatural. Unless context clears up it is indeed not unnatural. I also changed 'all signs hint' to 'I think', because the former felt off tonally. But as I said, these are preferences, and largely depend on context.

My except is suitable for everyone, it's just an old piece I feel like I should finish some time. Or not, depending on whether people find it enjoyable to read.

Guitarist Dalton & Aroma Lady Rose (gift of evolutionary stone from Dalton to Rose)

He thought Rose and he had started visiting the area east of Mauville around the same time. But though he’d take his pokémon all the way down to the beach, Rose preferred to stay in the grassy fields. It wasn’t till later that he learned it was because her pokémon abhorred the salty water and preferred to stay away from it.

A few weeks went by, in which they started greeting each other. It soon became a ELEPHANT of his day and tended to leave him with a smile. It was a sunny Wednesday morning when she stopped him, saying how she’d always listen to him practising in the distance and whether he could maybe play a song for her? [an electric guitar doesn’t always have to be noisy… it can be strummed to squeeze out this heart-stirring melody]

After that, they talked a lot more often. Sometimes she would come over to his usual spot on the beach to listen to his songs, but more often he’d come over to her and they’d spend the afternoon talking. Once, after a battle that was particularly harsh on his pokémon, she taught him about aroma therapy and helped him patch up his team. They went to the Mauville Food Court a couple of times, but the place was usually so busy you couldn’t eat without being bother by other people every couple of minutes. So instead they preferred to bring lunch to route 118 and picnic there.

They battled against each other a couple of times and found out they were on equal levels. Despite the slight type disadvantage her pokémon had, her strategies were superior to his. As time passed, both their teams grew stronger and evolved. Regardless, their battles would often still end in a tie.

But when he eventually managed to evolve his loudred into an exploud, the scales started to tip in his favour. And no matter how hard she trained, Rose and her pokémon would always be one step behind. It started to show in her battles against other trainers as well, as she would lose more and more often.

About a two weeks after Dalton’s loudred had evolved, Rose and he had a talk. She explained that despite their best efforts, her pokémon currently couldn’t get a lot stronger easily. Evolution would have been a solution, hadn’t it been for the fact that, unlike his loudred, her pokémon needed some help to evolve. But as evolutionary stones were quite rare, she hadn’t been able to get her hands on one.

“What’s this?”
  • Something to get Dalton to obtain a Sun Stone, plus a reference to the ORAS plot?

It's basically part of a series of vignettes about the life of several ORAS trainers that seemed interesting. I also have one about Lass Haley, but that one is finished
 
What I tell you three times is true.
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
340
Reaction score
213
And there was one grammatical error, 'signalling' is with double l.
Autocorrect disagreed, so I did some googling. Apparently "signaling" is correct in US English, "signalling" is correct is UK English. Either way, my intent seemed to have gotten across; thank you for the checkup!

...you can't just post a thank you in this thread, can you? Well, time to give you feedback, then!

...oh, uh, this is awkward. I actually recognized Guitarist Dalton's name from Route 118. But I haven't played OR/AS. I have played the original R/S/E, where they were both present. And as memory serves (and Bulbapedia confirmed), that beach wasn't exactly quiet. R/S had Fisherman Wade, while Emerald added Youngster Deandre who could potentially Double Battle with Rose. Bulbapedia says Youngster Deandre was removed from the remakes, but Fisherman Wade's still there.

I bring this up because there's a canon knock-on effect. By fleshing out these disposable NPCs, you're opening the Pandora's Box of "what about the other NPCs? If we interpret Dalton as a person and not just a series of battles, then him playing guitar in a public area strikes me as obnoxious. And if he's playing loud enough that Rose can hear, then Wade definitely can. And so can Deandre if he exists which context tells me he doesn't but childhood muscle memory tells me he does. There's uncomfortable canon confusion going on, is what I'm saying.

I've done some introspection, and I think I could overcome my biases if I liked either Dalton or Rose as characters. To start with Dalton, the beach setting and his flavor text reminded me of a song I personally really hate:

Long story short, guitar melodies are pretty, but pair them with vague and unspecific lyrics and my heartstrings stay in place. Dalton's focus on guitar alone gave me the impression he's shallow, as if he just wants to play because he likes pretty noises. Which is fine, but it doesn't stir my heart as much as a frog-throated vocalist backed by extremely basic melodies who gives very specific imagery:

As for Rose, her pimping of aromatherapy gave me an impression of a ditz. I have personally experimented with aromatherapy due to some sensory-specific mental health demons, and while I don't discourage its use for those that find benefit, I personally found it to be just another placebo. Rose "teaching" aromatherapy despite knowing little about her date's mental health gave me the impression of being simple-minded or presumptuous.

If you're interested in picking this excerpt up, I'd start by solidifying the characters. As someone who's gone through the therapy racket, both music and aromatherapy have been recommended as "coping skills" for improving mental health. Pulling on the thread could give Rose and Dalton a sympathetic first impression. From there, I'd clarify exactly what source of canon you're using and patch up any plot holes revolving around Fisherman Wade. But I think the characters are the real core of this excerpt; if these character's romance is the plot's driving force, then sympathetic characterization should be priority no. 1.

* * *​

Giving it some time before I post an excerpt myself. If someone wants to cut in line, feel free.
 
Plays too much Yu-Gi-Oh!
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
454
Reaction score
172
Rezzing this thread, I suppose. Original Sci-Fi snippet here, just testing the waters with a new story. Just want to know if this is a coherent and interesting little hook. Not looking for super deep criticism, as there isn't really much to criticise.

The bumping and jostling of the nigh ancient bus made it near impossible for Samuel to focus on the digipad in his lap, and he bit his lip in frustration as the bus rolled over yet another pothole and nearly shook the device to the grimy, dirt caked floor. Samuel hated everything about the vehicle. The windows were cracked and covered in dust and dead bugs, the few cloth covered seats that weren't torn or stained were hard and uncomfortable, and the lack of decent air conditioning meant the inside was stifling, just as hot as the blazing sun outside.
Samuel clenched the digipad tighter to keep it from falling, bitterly recalling his previous assignment. Most of Hestia, including the pleasant little outpost he'd been visiting last, had adopted more modern hover vehicles. Wheeled busses like the one he had been suffering on for the past hour were mostly relics of the past. Yet, here he was, feeling every hole and dip and crack in the road that a modern bus would have glided over with ease.
Samuel tried his best to concentrate on the report displayed on his digipad. Another mining outpost to inspect, no doubt filled with back country foremen who would do their best to undercut his authority. Samuel sighed and resigned himself to another long few days.
"Amity Crossing, comin' up," a voice called from the front of the bus. The driver, announcing the next stop. Samuel breathed a sigh of relief. Amity Crossing was his stop. His miserable ride was finally coming to an end. He quickly skimmed through the rest of his report and quickly glanced as his identification papers, making sure it was all in order. He didn't want to give the foreman at Amity Crossing any excuse to give him a hard time.
As the bus slowed to a stop, Samuel stowed his digipad in his briefcase and made his way to the front of the bus, passing the only other passenger, who was too preoccupied with his novel to care about Samuel's departure. Samuel gave the bus driver a nod of thanks as he disembarked. He certainly hadn't enjoyed the ride in any way, but he made it a point to be polite.
Samuel glanced at his watch as the bus pulled away from the empty stop. He had arrived fifteen minutes later than he planned, which was a shame, but he hoped that the foreman would fault him too much for it. The man had probably dealt with the same bus as Samuel had many times. Samuel looked around him, taking in the landscape. The bus stop was a few minutes' walk from the mine, placed just between it and the actual town of Amity Crossing. The town itself was small and unassuming, visible a mile or so down the road the bus had taken, while the mine was some ways down a separate road. Samuel, noting his lateness, set off at a brisk pace, hoping to make the mine in the next few minutes, before the workers took a break for lunch.
What Samuel had failed to notice was the glint of the sun catching on steel in the window of a small building, presumably abandoned, a few hundred meters down the road, towards the town. However, even if he had, it wouldn't have saved his life. Samuel's fate had been sealed the moment he stepped off the bus. His back to the building as he headed toward the mine, he just barely had time to wonder about the muffled whumpf! he heard before feeling something unimaginably hot slam into his upper back. There was a brief moment of intense pain as Samuel cried out and was thrown to the ground, and then there was nothing.
Samuel was dead.
 
Plays too much Yu-Gi-Oh!
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
454
Reaction score
172
Not looking for any feedback on the passage itself, more looking for feedback on the formatting. Would y'all think its annoying/useful/pointless for the hover text, or if I should do it less frequently, more frequently, etc.



“Not so fast! I activate the trap card Crystron Entry
TRAP
Normal Trap Card Description: Special Summon 2 "Crystron" Tuners (1 from your hand and 1 from your Graveyard). During either player's turn, except the turn this card was sent to the Graveyard: You can banish this card from your Graveyard, then target 1 "Crystron" monster you control, send 1 "Crystron" monster from your Deck to the Graveyard whose Level is different from that monster, and if you do, that monster becomes the Level of that monster sent to the Graveyard. You can only use this effect of "Crystron Entry" once per turn.
!” Selena declared. “Now, I can summon a Crystron Tuner from my hand and graveyard!”

Lillie grimaced as her monster paused, stopping its attack in response to Selena’s words. “So?” she asked. “None of your Tuners are strong enough to beat my AquaActress Arowana
WATER
Aqua/Effect Monster
2000 / 2000
Once per turn: You can add 1 "Aquaactress" monster from your Deck to your hand.
.”

Selena smirked. “Not alone, no. I choose to summon Crystron Rion
WATER
Machine/Tuner/Effect Monster
500 / 500
During your opponent's Main Phase or Battle Phase: You can target 1 of your banished non-Tuner monsters, Special Summon it, but it has its effects negated (if any), and if you do, immediately after this effect resolves, Synchro Summon 1 Machine-Type Synchro Monster using only that monster and this card (this is a Quick Effect). These Synchro Materials are shuffled into the Deck instead of being sent to the Graveyard. You can only use this effect of "Crystron Rion" once per turn.
from my hand, and Crystron Citree
WATER
Machine/Tuner/Effect Monster
500 / 500
During your opponent's Main Phase or Battle Phase: You can target 1 non-Tuner monster in your Graveyard, Special Summon it, but it has its effects negated (if any), and if you do, immediately after this effect resolves, Synchro Summon 1 Machine-Type Synchro Monster using only that monster and this card (this is a Quick Effect). These Synchro Materials are banished instead of being sent to the Graveyard. You can only use this effect of "Crystron Citree" once per turn.
from my graveyard!” With her declaration, the two familiar crystalline figures materialized in front of her.

“It won’t do you any good,” Lillie said. “Arowana can still attack, and even the smallest amount of damage will end this duel for you.” Lillie pointed at Selena, a cruel smile stretching across her face. “Arowana, continue your attack and destroy Crystron Citree!”

“Looks like you forgot about Citree’s effect, Lillie,” Selena said. “During your turn, Citree can summon a monster from my graveyard, and then I can use it to synchro summon! Now, Citree brings Crystron Smiger
WATER
Machine/Effect Monster
1000 / 1800
You can target 1 face-up card you control, you cannot Special Summon monsters from the Extra Deck for the rest of this turn, except Machine-Type Synchro Monsters, also, destroy that card, and if you do, Special Summon 1 "Crystron" Tuner from your Deck. You can banish this card from your Graveyard, add 1 "Crystron" Spell/Trap Card from your Deck to your hand. You can only use 1 "Crystron Smiger" effect per turn, and only once that turn.
back to my field!”

A bright flash revealed the pale form of a crystalline tiger, the same one Selena had sent to the graveyard earlier in the duel. It snarled menacingly as Lillie cursed.

“Smiger isn’t back for long, though. I use level two Crystron Citree to tune level three Crystron Smiger!” Selena declared with a smile, pointing towards the sky as Citree disappeared with a flash, replaced by a pair of glowing green rings that moved to envelop Smiger’s lithe form. The tiger glowed white and disappeared itself, replaced with three shining pinpoints of light. The combination of lights and rings rocketed into the sky, shining so brightly that the dimly lit street Selena and Lillie were dueling on looked as if it were midday.

With a deafening crash, the lights faded, and a massive figure covered in shining blue crystal fell from the heavens and slammed into the pavement, kicking up a powerful gust of wind and dust.

“I synchro summon,” Selena began, “Crystron Ametrix
WATER
Machine/Synchro/Effect Monster
2500 / 1500
1 Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters
If this card is Synchro Summoned: You can change all face-up Special Summoned monsters your opponent controls to Defense Position. If this Synchro Summoned card is destroyed by battle or card effect: You can target 1 "Crystron" monster in your Graveyard, except a Synchro Monster, Special Summon it.
! And since I summoned Ametrix, your Arowana is changed to defense position.”

Lillie snarled and swiped at her duel disk, and her AquaActress took up a defensive stance. “I end my turn. Your move, brat.”

Selena winked. “It won’t last long, because I’m ending this duel now! I draw!” Selena pulled another card from her deck with a flourish. “A perfect draw. I summon Crystron Quan
WATER
Machine/Tuner/Effect Monster
500 / 500
During your opponent's Main Phase or Battle Phase: You can Special Summon 1 non-Tuner monster from your hand, but it has its effects negated (if any), and if you do, immediately after this effect resolves, Synchro Summon 1 Machine-Type Synchro Monster using only that monster and this card (this is a Quick Effect). You can only use this effect of "Crystron Quan" once per turn.
!”
 
Shinobu's Pet Wolf
Joined
May 1, 2019
Messages
1,034
Reaction score
205
IMHO, I think it adds an extra layer of immersion for those who care for it, and since the abilities are explained in the dialogue, the hovers can be safely ignored by those that don't care for it. I guess my only concern is the amount of extra work inserting all/relevant card details into each of the hovers. Idk how meaningful this feedback to you, since my stance is pretty neutral. :x
 
Thesaurus rex
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
6,581
Reaction score
2,266
I question who it's really for. For someone canon-blind or only very passingly familiar with the canon it's more or less jargon. For someone who very much is familiar with the canon, do they really need the explanation?
 
Plays too much Yu-Gi-Oh!
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
454
Reaction score
172
IMHO, I think it adds an extra layer of immersion for those who care for it, and since the abilities are explained in the dialogue, the hovers can be safely ignored by those that don't care for it. I guess my only concern is the amount of extra work inserting all/relevant card details into each of the hovers. Idk how meaningful this feedback to you, since my stance is pretty neutral. :x
It's actually not all that much work. I just copy and paste the card text from sites like tcg player, haha

I question who it's really for. For someone canon-blind or only very passingly familiar with the canon it's more or less jargon. For someone who very much is familiar with the canon, do they really need the explanation?
For someone unfamiliar yeah, it can be, but as for someone familiar with yugioh, I'd say probably. A lot of the cards I'm using in this fic aren't exactly "meta", and with over 10k unique yugioh cards printed, it's kind of absurd to expect them to know all card effects. It's not quite necessary, but I feel like it's a good thing to have. I'm mostly just worried if the pop-ups feel distracting.
 
Geek of the Games
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
2,970
Reaction score
1,916
@UselessBytes As a fellow Yu-Gi-Oh writer myself, I might be able to lend a hand here. For starters, yes, the hover text is unnecessary, as it distracts the attention from the events in the story. You're better off just simply explaining the effects flat-out. Sure, it'll take longer, and will make the paragraphs a bit chunkier, but it's generally a better option. Whenever I do card effects, I always write them out in detail in the story itself, as I find stuff like hover text to be very annoying. That's the thing about Yugioh, you need to explain the effects as they are played, both in story and in the game itself, as not everyone knows every cards' effects. While you think that hover text would help that, it generally doesn't. It's smarter to just state the effects outright.

Also, some extra notes, you'll want to tidy up the text when it comes to the card types. For example, I use the following: "I activate my Trap Card: Mirror Force!" In other words, I make the first letter of the card types in capital (ie: Trap Card, Spell Card, etc) while also using a ":" when stating the specific card's name. It makes it a little more organized and more professional. Also, capitalize the "S" on the word "Summon", something that I learned over time, as it makes it sound more notable. And one last tip, place the monster's stats in parenthesis when the monster hits the field. For example: Dark Magician (2500/2100). I didn't do all this at first, but I learned that it makes it more professional as well as makes it easier to keep track of stats and points.
 
Plays too much Yu-Gi-Oh!
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
454
Reaction score
172
The thing is, I do explain the effects in text. Selena does outright explain Crystron Citree's effect. In most yugioh media, effects aren't read by the characters word for word. It would make dialogue stunted and feel really awkward. The hovers are mostly just there as a bonus. And when it comes to stats, they're still there! They're in the hover, and just as interperatable in the Pop-up as in parentheses! As for not everyone knowing the card effects, that's also what they're here for! Like in an actual duel, you can check your opponents card effects any time you like, not just when they read them.

As for tidying it up, this is something I wrote in literally five minutes to test out the pop ups. I
didn't really pay much attention to specific card organization and stuff like that.
 
Geek of the Games
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
2,970
Reaction score
1,916
The thing is, I do explain the effects in text. Selena does outright explain Crystron Citree's effect. In most yugioh media, effects aren't read by the characters word for word. It would make dialogue stunted and feel really awkward. The hovers are mostly just there as a bonus. And when it comes to stats, they're still there! They're in the hover, and just as interperatable in the Pop-up as in parentheses! As for not everyone knowing the card effects, that's also what they're here for! Like in an actual duel, you can check your opponents card effects any time you like, not just when they read them.

As for tidying it up, this is something I wrote in literally five minutes to test out the pop ups. I
didn't really pay much attention to specific card organization and stuff like that.
Unfortunately, that's the issue you're having. The hovers need to go. Period. Here's an example of one of my works:

A new monster appeared. Silver Gadget was similar to the other Gadget monsters, being a small robotic monster. Its body appeared to be spherical, with robotic arms and legs, various semicircle parts, a core in the middle of its body, and a robotic head with a single eye. It was a Level Four monster with stats of 1500/1000.

Tempest took note of this, observing, “So, Django’s brought back his old Gadget monsters with a few new additions to it. This should be interesting.”

Django stated, “Silver Gadget’s ability activates! When Summoned, I can Special Summon one Level Four Machine monster from my hand. And I just happen to have one: my old Yellow Gadget, and I’ll put it in Attack Mode!”

Yellow Gadget (1200/1200) appeared on the field.

“But now my Yellow Gadget’s ability activates! When Summoned, I can move one Green Gadget from my deck to my hand!”

His Infinity Disk ejected a card, which he revealed, adding it to his hand, then he took a different card from his hand, smiling.

“I’m about to pull out a new heavy hitter. I activate the Spell: Black Luster Ritual! I Tribute monsters who have a total combined Level of eight or more in order to summon a bruiser of a monster! So, I Tribute my Silver Gadget and Yellow Gadget in order to Ritual Summon Black Luster Soldier in Attack Mode!”

Two pots with flames appeared on the field, with a slab of stone in the middle of them. Silver Gadget and Yellow Gadget were swallowed up by the pots, which then fired purplish flames up in twin towers, causing the stone tablet to elevate, followed by a burst of light, and out emerged a new monster.

Black Luster Soldier was a formidable-looking knight decked out in black and gold full body armor, with a matching helmet that partly obscured his face, long red hair, and was holding a strong single-edged sword and impressive shield. He was a Level Eight monster with stats of 3000/2500.

See how this looks? I don't use hover text or anything, I just map it all out for the world to see. It makes it look neat and organized, explains the effects outright, and, whenever a new monster is used in my series, I even gives descriptions of what the monsters and their stats look like. This is generally the way most people write Yugioh stories, including myself, so it's considered the better way of doing it over stuff like hover text. And considering I've been writing my series for years, I do have a fair bit of experience in it. So, I suggest you try it out this way instead of using hover text. It may take longer, but it's worth it.
 
loves chocolate!
Joined
Nov 29, 2012
Messages
3,307
Reaction score
5,272
You know, if you really want to use the hover feature, I'd like to suggest you use it only for the raw stats, and have the descriptions and effects of each card explained during the conversation between fighters. So, for example, for Ruby Carbuncle...


You could set it like this. This is a very raw example, you could go more in-depth about it.

----

"Now, time for my Special Summon: Ruby Carbuncle
Crystal Beast Ruby Carbuncle
MONSTER
∗∗∗
ATK 300 / DEF 300
[FAIRY / EFFECT]
!"

A purple creature with four ears and white underbelly appeared on the battlefield, staring at its opponent with its red eyes while waving the round ruby on the tip of its long tail.

"Oh, a Special Summon? So what?"

"Well, as I have Special Summoned Ruby Carbuncle, I can now activate its effect and Special Summon as many Crystal Beasts Monster cards as I like, from both my Spell and Trap Zones!"

----

This takes some inspiration from how stats are shown in the TCG games from Game Boy Color, put in a way to avoid unnecessary clutter.


In this case, Thunder Jolt has a special effect, which is explained in another screen. And now I'm tempted to write a story about Pokémon cards...
 
Dragon Enthusiast
Joined
Aug 18, 2018
Messages
333
Reaction score
223
Piggybacking off of this, as someone who watched all of the first series and GX, I'm a fan of when it seems that the players don't necessarily know the effects of what their opponents are doing until they look it up themselves. It's not like they have encyclopedic knowledge of every Card, for the most part. So having a hover for the at-a-glance stats could be helpful (because who's gonna say that out loud every time anyway?), and perhaps in-universe explaining the effects when it's organically appropriate could also work.

You could even turn that into a plot point like the anime does now and then, where a reckless player doesn't consider an effect of a card until it happens without them realizing.
 
Top