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POPULAR: The Samples Thread

Kanan Jarrus is a Noble Jedi
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“Two down...Four to go eh Pikachu?!” Pikachu let out an excited series of noises, cheeks sparking with excitement while facing down Alain, who chuckled a little bit.
Comma after go.

slammint its tail
You mean slammed its tail.


“Weavile use Ice beam!” The command quickly came from Alain, and Weavile let out his own grunt of affirmation before putting his hands together, gathering a cyan ball of energy and firing it off, multiple beams of energy converging around Pikachu while freezing the ground beneath them along the way. The electric type just moved to dodge them without a command needed, one beam hitting Pikachu right on the shoulder, causing it to frost over before landing with a wince of pain.

“Oh come on Pikachu! I know you want to battle your hardest but we are going to need you strong as you can when the finale comes! Besides, you can trust in him right?” Ash pleaded to his starter, who nodded gruffly and dashed back towards Ash, leaping up and onto the waiting arm as the boy pulled another ball from his belt.
Commas in the first dialog.

Very good fight scenes. With fixes it will be amazing.

A scene from Galar's Darkest Hour when Victor calls out Rose for his actions.

Victor’s mind was still filled with a storm of fear. “Hop, you go on.” He handed his friend some money for a Corviknight taxi. “I just need time alone.”

Hop nodded and left without a word. Maybe he should had went with him, Victor thought. But he wanted to find a quiet space. He opened the elevator door and went down. The power plant’s air chilled Victor, he wanted to move fast. As Victor was about to leave, he heard voices. He frowned as he looked for the source. Rose was speaking to a power plant staff member. The man left Rose, scowling as Victor walked in the room.

“You!” Victor yelled as his anger flared up. “Leon almost got killed, Rose!” He glared at him as his breathing quickened. Regret flashed in Rose’s eyes as Victor continued. “All of that fire, the explosion... Do you realize what you unleashed?” Shaking, Victor walked up the Chairman and held out his blood soaked hands. “Leon was the one meant to deal with this. He was supposed to be the knight, remember?”

“He was…” Rose’s eyes widened and he looked down. “Leon… This should not had happened to you. Had the Ultra Ball malfunctioned?” He shook his head, frowning. Why was he now like this? Victor wondered to himself, Rose was the one caused the Darkest Day.

“Why are you saying things like that! The ball did function!” Victor snapped, clenching his fists. “You wanted Leon to get hurt because he did not cancel the match!” He wiped away the tears, so Rose could not see him cry. “Is Leon is nothing to you? So he deserves this?!”

“No!” Rose’s sharp tone silenced Victor. “I do care about the state of Leon. I just wanted him to understand about the crisis.” He walked towards the door and turned to Victor. “Not to suffer… Victor, he is still up there? I can call for help.”

“He was already flown to safety. We were not leaving him there while we fought Eternatus.” Victor told Rose as he held the urge to cry. He wanted to leave, to see how the Champion was doing. “You should had seen him…”

“I expect that the Champion would recover. He can overcome anything thrown that him.” Rose told Victor. His tone of voice seemed confident about the state of Leon.

Victor turned away from Rose and his voice shook. “He was losing a lot of blood... Don’t you understand?!” Disgust welled up inside of him as the Chairman stood there, not saying a word. “Go and see how Leon is.” Victor demanded as tears started to fall. “He is unable to do a thing for you!”

Rose replied in a calm tone. “I take responsibly, but-”

“But something far off is more important than Leon’s life!” Victor screamed, his face wet with tears. “I get it!” His whole body shook as he recalled Leon lying in a pool of his own blood.

“That was not I was going to say, Victor.” Rose walked up to Victor. “I wished that Leon would had listened-”

Victor’s seething temper sparked and overtook him. “So it was Leon’s fucking fault?! He did listen to you, Rose! After the finals… he said… ” Victor paced, trying to calm the storm of anger inside of him. “Don’t act like he didn’t…”

“He did not get it.” Rose sighed as he placed his hand on Victor’s shoulder. “I tried to get him to understand the crisis.”

“He bloody does!” Victor retorted, stepping away from Rose. “You fucking convinced yourself that Leon did not so you could unleash Eternatus!” Victor held up the Ultra Ball containing the dangerous beast. “I was the one to catch it.” He turned and walked away. “Since Leon failed…”

Victor flinched as Charred released himself and clicked aggressively at Rose. “What have you done to Leon?” He crawled closer to the man, ready to lunge. Rose did not make a move, he only looked at Charred with a resigned expression.

“No, Charred! Stop!” Victor told the Centiskorch firmly as his heart pounded. “Rose should reflect on what he has done.” He whispered to his partner, his hands shaking. “He should see what had happened… to our Champion…”

You really think that, Victor?” Charred turned to Victor, his flames expanding. This Centiskorch could easily burn the man. Then Rose would not be able to know about the injuries that Leon had suffered. Victor silently recalled Charred and walked out of the power plant.
 
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The Jewel of Anime~
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Here's a bit of a long part of the second chapter of my fanfic, The Champion's Aftermath. I'm a bit worried that this chapter-or at least, this is the first part-might be very boring and a drag to get through. What do you think?

"Well, that was a disaster..." Ash groaned as he pulled his red and white cap down, trying to hide his face as he walked through the dark streets of Avalos Town, Pikachu walking beside him in the moonlight.

As soon as Ash had made his presence known at the inn, he had quickly hightailed it out of there, thankfully not having been bombarded by a crowd as he had earlier in the day.

He let out a sigh as he took off his cap and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "How did people even figure out I'm the champion here...? I mean, seriously...?"

"Pi-ka chu pikachu ka-chu."

Ash let out a slightly irritated sigh, "again with the disguise and Team Rocket...seriously, aren't you the least bit concerned about Team Rocket causing trouble again?"

"Pika-"

"No."

Pikachu blinked and tried again, "Pi-"

"No."

"Chu." "Jerk."

Ash rolled his eyes, "you'll thank me the next time we run into Team Rocket. In fact, I'm willing to bet they're somewhere around here watching us right this very moment, waiting to capture you!"

There was a pause.

"Huh...I guess they're not here, after all...that's new." Ash pondered. "...Pikachu, why are you smirking? And stop pointing behind me, I'm not going to fall for-"

Ash stared, dumbfounded, cutting himself off.

Right behind him, under the light of the streetlamp stood three very familiar figures, holding a large bag, as if ready to kidnap someone. One red-headed women, with oddly gravity-defying shaped hair. A blue-haired man. And a small meowth. Jessie, James, and Meowth-the very three people who were the topic of discussion.

There was silence for about thirty seconds, with the entire group simply staring at each other.

James was the first to break the silence, nodding politely to Ash, "Hello, Champion. I hope you've been having a good night-"

"Oh, screw this!" Jessie interrupted, grabbing the bag and rushing past Ash, shoving him to the ground and pulling the bag over Pikachu in a rough manner. The mouse let out a scream of shock as Jessie tossed him over her shoulder and ran back to the other two rocket members. "Let's scram!"

"Well, dat was fast..." Meowth muttered as he hightailed it with the other two.

Ash slapped a hand over his face and dragged it down in exasperation, "I knew I shouldn't have jinxed it..." He reached for his belt and threw a Poke-ball in the air. "Swellow! Do you think you think you can help Pikachu out?"

The second his pokemon materialized into the air, she dashed after the Rocket Trio in the air, flying after them at high speeds.

Ash squinted as he saw Team Rocket make a sharp left at a corner, Swellow following, and leaving his line of sight. He sighed and rubbed his forehead, picking himself up from the floor. "Why's our relationship with Team Rocket so weird...?"

***

"Stop, Mortals!" Swellow screeched as she followed Team Rocket, who were beginning to freak out slightly at the mad bird on their tails. "Stop in the name of the law!"

"We're criminals!" Meowth protested, "we don't follow no stinkin' laws!"

"You don't think we already know that?" A muffled yell came from the bag strung over Jessie's shoulder. Swellow narrowed her beady eyes, talons at the ready. 'Alright, just swoop in and...'

Swellow was violently thrown out of her thoughts, as a sudden Psybeam nearly hit her. Making a swift dodge, she glared at her attacker, taking note of how Team Rocket had managed to get further away.

"Nice one, Inkay!" James called out, "now, keep that bird busy!"

"Hey, we might actually get away with this for once!" Jessie said giddily.

"I wouldn't jinx it if I were ya, but hey, why da heck not?!"

"Can you please fall off a cliff?" Pikachu screeched, still kicking at the bag, and inadvertently kicking Jessie as well. She hissed in pain and in a fit of anger, roughly flung the bag around before holding it in front of her.

"Try to kick me now, mouse." Jessie glared at the now groaning bag.

"Apologies for the roughness, but see," James began with a smirk, "we've had a bit of a rough day."

"I regret ever wanting your help..." Pikachu muttered from inside the bag, desperately scratching at it, trying to find an opening. The bag was just so tight and felt as if it was closing in on him...Pikachu's breathing quickened as he let out a Thunderbolt, which, to no one's surprise, did nothing. Team Rocket was always prepared, after all.

Swellow, meanwhile, had a watchful eye on the scene before diverting her attention back to her opponent, who had swiftly managed to dodge every single one of her Quick Attacks; just as she had managed to dodge every one of his attacks.

Her body glowed in a white light, readying another Quick Attack, catching the attention of Inkay. "That attack, again?" Inkay groaned, "don't you have anything original?"

Swellow smirked, "funny, that. I don't even know what your other attacks are besides Psybeam and Tackle. Oh, and, this isn't your ordinary Quick Attack."

Before Inkay could question what she meant by that, she charged at him with a Quick Attack. Only, this time, instead of flying straight, she spiraled towards him with a combination of the move and her Peck.

Inkay yelped as he tried to avoid it, though was sadly unable to. As soon as Swellow made contact, she towed him over to the direction Team Rocket was heading and with a quick toss of her beak, flung him towards James, and hitting him square on the head.

A chain reaction of events set of at that very moment; Inkay slamming into James led to James tripping and falling into the ground, which led to Jessie tripping and falling, leading to Meowth stopping in his tracks in shock, and for the bag carrying Pikachu to tumble out of Jessie's hands a few feet away from the trio of Rockets.

Swellow let out a triumphant cry and swooped down towards the bag containing her smaller teammate and snatched it in her talons, letting out an evil laugh as she left the three Rockets groaning on the ground, "you're lucky I've decided to spare you the blast off, pathetic mortals! For I...am...the strongest...pokemon...in the world!"

She let out a cackle as she flew off, with Pikachu in her clutches. However, her self-absorbed rant was cut off when she heard Pikachu from inside the bag, breathing rather heavily and panicky. Humming with discontent, she quickly made a stop on a nearby rooftop, and gently set the bag down.

Carefully, she untied the knot at the top of the bag and opened it, allowing Pikachu to desperately crawl out and take a big gulp of fresh air, collapsing on the ground, while groaning, "oh, I hate those things so much..." he squinted at the flying type staring down at him, "thanks for the save, Swellow."

Swellow scoffed, "it was no problem for me, as I'm the best flying type this world has to offer!"

"Yes, you are,"
Pikachu tittered before letting out a sigh. "Ash is going to rub this in my face, isn't he...?"

"Yes."
Swellow replied bluntly. "Actually, I think I'd be surprised if he didn't rub this in your face...maybe he'll even bring it up the next time we bump into Team Rocket."

"You're not being very helpful."

"What, saving you from getting poke-napped isn't enough?"


Pikachu huffed then tried to sit himself up, "well, anyway, we need to go back to where Ash is-" he let out a sudden squeal as his paw collapsed underneath his weight, causing him to come crashing back to the floor. "...ow..."

Swellow instantly came to Pikachu's side, helping the mouse up with her beak, "what the hell was that?! Are you okay?!"

Pikachu winced, "yeah, I'm fine, I just..." he clutched his right paw. "I think when Jessie swung me around earlier, I accidentally hurt my paw...it feels kinda sore now..."

"Well, I know nothing about mortal injuries,"
Swellow said dismissively, "but that sounds concerning, so we should probably head back to the inn and let Ash know."

Pikachu shook his head, "nah, it's probably nothing. Wouldn't want to worry him over something so small. I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Positive."


Swellow let out a slight shrug with her wings, "if you say so..." She turned around, spreading out her wings and gesturing for Pikachu to climb onto her back, "come on. Ash is probably waiting for us. Again."

"Yeah, let's go."
Pikachu agreed.
 
Thesaurus rex
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Bit on the long side for a sample, but I'll give it a whirl.

As to it being a bit of a drag ... well, yeah, it is. I don't really see the point in this rehash of the typical TRio encounter. You try to wink at the audience and acknowledge how tiresome the routine is, but I don't think it really does much to alleviate the problem. As I see it, there are two solutions:
  1. Make the encounter as quick and abrupt as possible. No bags, no nets, no chase sequences, just a quick and brutal defeat. Because really, if Ash is now the champion, a stand-up fight would end this way.
  2. Somehow try to give the scene a bigger point in the overall plot. I think this is probably going to be difficult, but it may help if I point out that the extract tells us one thing we wouldn't already know/assume from watching the anime: Ash doesn't like being recognised
 
The Jewel of Anime~
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Bit on the long side for a sample, but I'll give it a whirl.

As to it being a bit of a drag ... well, yeah, it is. I don't really see the point in this rehash of the typical TRio encounter. You try to wink at the audience and acknowledge how tiresome the routine is, but I don't think it really does much to alleviate the problem. As I see it, there are two solutions:
  1. Make the encounter as quick and abrupt as possible. No bags, no nets, no chase sequences, just a quick and brutal defeat. Because really, if Ash is now the champion, a stand-up fight would end this way.
  2. Somehow try to give the scene a bigger point in the overall plot. I think this is probably going to be difficult, but it may help if I point out that the extract tells us one thing we wouldn't already know/assume from watching the anime: Ash doesn't like being recognised
Alright, thank you very much! I knew that chapter wouldn't work...I'll try to re-work that chapter or incorporate the solutions you gave me to make it better. So, again, thank you! :giggle::bulbaLove:
 
Kanan Jarrus is a Noble Jedi
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A bit of my Star Wars Rebels fic, Inferno on the Darkest Night.

The explosion rocked the ship which almost knocked us out of our seats. I looked back as tears stung my eyes. My Master was gone. I did not want to believe it. When he burned to nothing I wanted to cry out. He could not make it to the ship. “Master…” I whispered, unsure of what to do now.

“Kanan…” I heard Hera sobbing beside me. She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori . I put my hand on hers, but she did not even glance at me. Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell. I gave her a comforting hug, anything to ease her pain.

The journey back was quiet. We were all too saddened to even say a word. When we returned, Zeb and Chopper were waiting for us. As I stepped out the ship, fresh tears fell down my face. Zeb asked me what was wrong. “Kanan’s gone.” I sobbed.
 
Eyes of Ruby
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A bit of my Star Wars Rebels fic, Inferno on the Darkest Night.

The explosion rocked the ship which almost knocked us out of our seats. I looked back as tears stung my eyes. My Master was gone. I did not want to believe it. When he burned to nothing I wanted to cry out. He could not make it to the ship. “Master…” I whispered, unsure of what to do now.

“Kanan…” I heard Hera sobbing beside me. She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori . I put my hand on hers, but she did not even glance at me. Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell. I gave her a comforting hug, anything to ease her pain.

The journey back was quiet. We were all too saddened to even say a word. When we returned, Zeb and Chopper were waiting for us. As I stepped out the ship, fresh tears fell down my face. Zeb asked me what was wrong. “Kanan’s gone.” I sobbed.
The first thing that came to mind when reading this was that it feels rather stiff for a segment about characters grieving. I think this is because a lot of the sentences are really short, undescriptive, and don't really flow from one sentence to the next, which makes them feel like a list of bullet points. Fleshing out some of these sentences and/or joining some of them together would help in my opinion because it would give your prose more diversity and allow the reader more insight into the characters' mental states. I think it would be helpful to look at scene with characters grieving and look at how the author presents their grief, taking note of the things that you think work and don't work.

Other things I took note of:
  • The first sentence about the ship could be cut entirely in my opinion and it would have no effect on the rest of the story. It doesn't add anything--if anything it reads a bit like a non-sequitur--and it isn't really connected to the rest of this piece. You could either remove it entirely or weave it into the rest of the story.
  • Some sentences don't seem grammatically correct.
    • She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori
      • I think on should be onto.
    • Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell.
      • I'm unsure if there's an error here, but it doesn't read right to me. Perhaps it just needs some rewording.
 
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The Mega Multishipper of Miroir Way
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Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell.
  • I'm unsure if there's an error here, but it doesn't read right to me. Perhaps it just needs some rewording.
I'd probably reword it as "Hera went silent, tears continuing to fall."


I've hit a bit of a writing dead end. I don't like this excerpt, but I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, so I'm kind of stuck.

(From Metronome Episode 2)

When Wallace returned to the apartment, Winona was standing in the kitchenette.

“There you are!” she said as he closed the door. “I was starting to worry about you!”

“Hello, darling,” Wallace replied. “Fancy seeing you up so late. Were you waiting for me?”

Winona responded by holding up a newspaper to Wallace's face. He took the paper and looked down at it. The headline was painted all across the front page:

RUSTBORO SCIENTIST DISAPPEARS
Rustboro University’s sociology professor, Professor Samuel Oak, has been reported to be missing. The professor was last seen last night leaving Ever Grande Hall, reportedly after a meeting with Professor Saul Willow. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Oak, please call 555-0151.


Wallace looked up at Winona nonchalantly. He was worried—how could he not be?—but he didn't want Winona to know.

“I don’t have any information regarding the whereabouts of Oak,” he joked.

“Wallace! This is serious! That could have been you!”

“What would someone want with me? I don’t even have a job, much less an important position in the university’s faculty.”

“So what? It’s still dangerous, especially late at night. You’re out late every weeknight walking alone. Someone could easily kidnap you.”

“Who'd want to kidnap me?"

"Who'd want to kidnap a sociology professor?"

"We don't know if he's been kidnapped. He could have just gone abroad without telling anyone."

"But what if there's—"

"Can you let me talk myself out of my worry before it drives me crazy?!"

Wallace froze. Silence fell over the apartment, save for the hum of the radiator, and the contrast between the lights of the kitchenette and the darkness surrounding it became starker and starker.

"I already have problems worrying if I'm going to make it from my classes to this apartment," Wallace finally said. "I don't need my worries to be somewhat confirmed by a newspaper headline. I don't need to add on the fear of something happening to you or Steven. I want to try to use ration to talk myself out of those worries, even if said ration is trying to side with my emotions."

"I'm just worried this is part of something bigger."

Wallace sighed.

"Well, let's just pray none of us are part of that something, and pray that Oak did just go off on some unannounced vacation."

Winona glanced over at her teapot and walked over to it. Two cups with one teabag each were prepared close by.

“I still have to go to classes,” Wallace said, “but with the exception of Luvdisc, I don’t have anyone else who’d want to walk with me so late. What am I supposed to do?”

“First of all, stop signing up for so many classes, especially late night ones. Second, find someone to walk home with.”

Wallace walked over to the counter where Winona stood.

“Would you walk home with me?” he asked, smirking.

Winona looked up at Wallace. She sighed, though a small smile spread on her face.

“If it means keeping you safe.”
 
The Mega Multishipper of Miroir Way
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Also sorry for the double post but I noticed no one responded to @Fan of Jarrus 's excerpt from Galar's Darkest Hour (please correct me if I'm wrong about that), so I will.

I like your interpretation of Chairman Rose, and I'm guessing you're going with a "what if Leon died during Rose's whole Darkest Day thing", which is an interesting scenario.

Rose seemed to be acting a little too casual considering he just woke up Eternatus and left Leon to take care of it, though.

Victor’s mind was still filled with a storm of fear. “Hop, you go on.” He handed his friend some money for a Corviknight taxi. “I just need time alone.”
Each time a new person speaks, that dialogue gets a new paragraph. I probably worded that weirdly, so here's an example:

Victor’s mind was still filled with a storm of fear.
“Hop, you go on.” He handed his friend some money for a Corviknight taxi. “I just need time alone.”
Maybe he should had went with him, Victor thought.
"Had went" should be "have gone", unless these are Victor's exact thoughts word for word, in which the whole sentence should be "Maybe I should have gone with him, Victor thoughts.

The power plant’s air chilled Victor, he wanted to move fast.
When you separate two independent clauses with a comma, there needs to be a conjunction after the comma. Otherwise, replace the comma with a period.

The power plant’s air chilled Victor, but he wanted to move fast.

or

The power plant’s air chilled Victor. He wanted to move fast.
 
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