EVERYONE: The Torkoal and the Scorbunny

[Greninjaman]

⦁ Mild Violence - Cartoon and fantasy violence are fine in any amount. Blood and gore should not be present, and any deaths should not be violent in nature.
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Here is another short story from me. I am mostly doing these to help with character development and such.

Spoiler: The Story

Leafstone Forest is a large forest that has many Pokémon living in it. The forest is located in the Galar Region, located northwest of Postwick. One day, Scorbunny is racing down a track, with an Ekans, a Seedot, and a Treecko. Treecko is close to Scorbunny while the other two are far behind. “No! Dang it,” Treecko said as Scorbunny crossed the line. “Ha, Ha! I win again! I am the fastest Pokemon in the forest. No one can beat me!” Scorbunny exclaims. Then he runs off, happily bounding away. The next day, Ekans, Seedot, and Treecko are talking.

“We should do something about that Pokémon,” Seedot complained after it lost a race. Treecko nods. “I am fast, but he beats me every time. I just don’t have the stamina like he does,” Treecko said. “Running isss something I can’t do,” Ekans said.

Just then, Scorbunny runs up to them to the chagrin of the three Pokémon. “Hey guys come on! Let’s race! Come on guys!” He excitedly says, bouncing up and down. “We know that you are going to win Scorbunny!” Seedot exclaimed angrily. “Yeah! You are too fast.” Treecko said. “What!? Come on! You guys are lame!” Scorbunny exclaimed.

“I will race you then, Scorbunny,” a voice said. The four Pokémon turned to see Torkoal. Torkoal is a friendly Pokémon who lives in a nearby cave in the mountain nearby. He often visits the forest due to being lonely. “Really, Mr. Torkoal? You’ll just lose to him like everyone else,” Seedot said, astonished by what Torkoal had said. “Yesss. Ssscorbunny isss too fassst for any of usss,” Ekans added. “You stand no chance,” Treecko said. Scorbunny grinned from ear to ear. “Bring it on!” He exclaimed.

“If I win, you are to calm down and not drag other Pokémon into races that they don’t want to be in. Know that overconfidence will result in your downfall,” Torkoal said. Scorbunny nods confidently. “You know I am faster than you, so why not? It’s a deal,” He said, pumping his paw into the air.

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The next day, everyone in the forest gathered for the race. “So begins another race where Scorbunny wins,” Seedot said, no emotion in his voice. The crowd does not cheer due to knowing that Scorbunny will win. Seedot goes over to Torkoal. “What’s your strategy?” He asked. “Slow and steady,” is Torkoal’s reply. “Welp. Auto win for Scorbunny,” Seedot said.

“Ready, set, go!” A Pansage shouted. Scorbunny charges forward, his feet digging into the dirt. Meanwhile, Torkoal starts to walk forward. “And they are off. Scorbunny has the win here as we all know,” Seedot said. “Torkoal, I told you. You stand no chance,” Treecko said. “I know,” Torkoal said. Treecko facepalms. “Then why did you challenge him?” Treecko asked.

Meanwhile, Scorbunny is charging down the track. At the halfway point, he stops and turns to look at the start line, 50 yards away, to see that Torkoal is not moving fast. “Haha! Looks like Torkoal was a fool for thinking he can race me,” he said. Looking around, he spots an Oran Berry laying on the ground nearby. Hopping over to it, Scorbunny picks it up. “A snack won’t hurt. I’m gonna win anyway. Scorbunny lays down and begins munching on the berry. Upon finishing it, Scorbunny is so satisfied, he starts falling asleep. “A little nap won’t hurt,” Scorbunny said groggily.

“What isss Scorbunny doing?” Ekans asked, on seeing this. Seedot looks at Scorbunny before turning to look at Torkoal, who, by now, is nearing the 25 yard point of the track. Torkoal’s words from the previous day ring though his mind: Know that overconfidence will result in your downfall. “Of course. Torkoal is using Scorbunny’s overconfidence against him,” Seedot said, eyes wide. As Torkoal approached where Scorbunny is sleeping, he looked at Scorbunny. “Your overconfidence is your weakness,” Torkoal said. He continues on to the finish line.

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Eventually, Scorbunny woke to the sound of cheering. “Huh? What?” Scorbunny asked. He got up and looked towards the start line to see that no one is there. He turns to the finish line. His eyes widened with shock that Torkoal is about to cross the finish line. “No!” Scorbunny cried as he charged, his feet digging into the dirt as he jumped. Scorbunny ran with all of his might. With a burst of speed, Scorbunny leapt towards the finish line, however, it’s already too late.

“Well, Scorbunny? You lost, so you must up hold your part of the deal,” Torkoal said. Saddened, Scorbunny nods. “I’m sorry guys. I realize now that I have been a jerk,” Scorbunny said. The Pokémon cheered. From that day onward, Scorbunny slowed down and let the other Pokémon win some races. He also mellowed out and became less hyper.

The End​

Please leave a review.

 

[hanecco]

You know, maybe I should actually write my own stuff instead of commenting on what everyone else is doing. Anyway...
Hey Greninjaman! Review incoming.

So this is a retelling of The Hare and the Tortoise, but with Pokemon. The choice of Pokemon for each character made sense - Scorbunny the overconfident hare, and Torkoal the wise tortoise.

The descriptions of the characters and locations at the start could be improved, though. The character's personalities and backgrounds - that Scorbunny is boastful, or that Torkoal is wise - is better shown through their actions and dialogue. For example, instead of telling us at the start that Scorbunny is always challenging people to races, you could have a scene where Seedot, Ekans and Treecko are being challenged to a race by Scorbunny, and they tell him how annoying he is. The reader can infer facts about Scorbunny (such as "he's boastful and always challenging people to races") from the dialogue and action.

The next day, everyone in the forest gathered for the race. “So begins another race where Scorbunny wins,” Seedot said, no emotion in his voice. The crowd does not cheer due to knowing that Scorbunny will win. Seedot goes over to Torkoal. “What’s your strategy?” He asked. “Slow and steady,” is Torkoal’s reply. “Welp. Auto win for Scorbunny,” Seedot said.

That's what I'm talking about - instead of just writing "Seedot was sure Torkoal would lose", and leaving it at that, you show it to us through dialogue and action, which makes it much more interesting to read.

Finally, the dialogue. That's definitely a strength of yours. It was fun to read and matched each character's personality.

 

[Greninjaman]

*Snip*

Thanks for the review. I looked at it and made edits to hopefully improve it.