• Hey guys! Have you heard? We now have popup
    Yes, Popups!
    messages for your forum posts. Learn more about it here!
  • To keep up with the hype driven by Sword and Shield's release, we are taking applications for new moderators in our Current Events: Sword and Shield as well as Anime and Manga sections.

    For more information, see this thread.We hope you all consider joining our team!
  • We hope you're enjoying Sword and Shield so far! So that everyone can enjoy it and not be spoiled, please keep the all story spoilers and any images from the games in the appropriate sections or in spoiler tags until January 3rd.

    Since spoiler tags are not allowed in signatures, please do not put images from the games in your signature either. You can list the names of new Pokémon if you want to list your team in your signature.

The Vigilante

Lexio
Joined
May 22, 2009
Messages
575
Reaction score
1
Firstly [waffly introduction, feel free to skip], I have never wrote a fanfic before so this is my first time (as much as I hate being a newb at things, I am). That being said I do love creative writing. I apologise about the incredibly creative title (-.-) but ye. Sorry it's basic, I wanted your feedback on my first chapter and the first chapter turned out longer than anticipated, sorry there isn't a great deal of action. Also, thanks to Zephy Changes for naming my characters. ^^


Chapter 1​

The S.S. Vigilante bobbed in the docks, the hum of the waves silencing its typically loud motor. Oliver knelt, the iron cold of the floor seeped through the thin material of his shorts. Peering over the balcony, there really wasn’t much distance between him and the chill of the waves. Couples of Wingull could be seen in the distance, happily shimmering across the ocean. Trainers and their Pokémon were all around, the docks were bustling and Lysander was nowhere to be seen. Ollie slid back and leant on the wall, the paving slabs warmed by the suns touch. He relaxed his back and observed the trainers around. The majority were young boys, a few old ladies passed up and down the balcony but they undoubtedly stayed to watch relatives leave. A particular couple had caught his eye.

‘How many?’ whispered a blonde haired boy, who wore a red cotton cap. His friend squinted, as if forgetting the answer. On the still air, the vague sound of Wingull chirping, hustling groups and the metal discord of the Vigilante’s infrastructure could be heard. ‘Hundreds and hundreds!’ he announced, after a pause. His friends’ mouth opened in an astonished circle, but before he could react, he was knocked aside by a group of teens. He recomposed and fought back. ‘Liar. There’s no more than a couple of hundred. Even in Sunyshore!’ The conversation offered no consolation, it was impossible to determine what the figures were.

As much as Ollie had attempted to ignore the fact, the truth was that Reggie would be on board the Vigilante, much to his distaste. He had arrived too, to make matters worse. He clambered and slithered down the ramp and onto the dusty boardwalk. He marched right through the crowds and straight onto the ship, ignoring all prior matters and surroundings. It seemed new to see him alone, without his brother. The boys crowded around the boardwalk again, assuming that their entry was ready. The ship was decorated with vivid woven banners with its symbol bearing an upside down anchor, alongside the glint of steel.

Lysander was finally ready, it would seem. ‘Four!’ he bellowed down the ramp, causing several heads to turn. Ollie clutched his bagstrap and headed towards Lysander. ‘Four. It’s all that they had.’ He ejected his hand, palm side up and unclenched his fist to reveal what looked like four miniature Poké Balls. Ollie took one and pressed the button. Expectantly, it enlarged and he juggled it for a while. His eyes were locked as he surveyed the dusted pathway to the boat. There was pressure beyond his eyes, a craving almost. He sniffed once, hard. ‘But are you okay?’ Lysander raised his chin and tufted his blonde hair. For a moment, a reply was hesitated, but it arrived shortly. ‘Sand, I am thinking that we won’t have enough money once we arrive in Olivine.’ Admittedly, the two hadn’t been careful with their expenses and had reason to worry about their empty pockets. ‘No worries, I am gonna be looking for a fight or two on board the deck. The trainers here don’t look like much. Tangela will make short work of this.’
Sheathed at Ollie’s hip was his four Poké Balls. Sand wasn’t the only one who would be engaging in combat sooner or later.


‘I expect the Gym to be maintained well Zachary, though I doubt you will let me down. Just bear in mind that this city does have its fair share of power cuts. The roads do sometimes go haywire during the day. Obviously you won’t get any power at night, but if you need any, th-.’ The speech was cut short and in a breath, the conversation was retracted. ‘I know, don’t worry. I will have Magneton help us out. Everything will be fine. I hope you have a nice trip. Hopefully it will lighten your mood. Speak to you soon, Volkner.’ The speaking was subtle and quick, as if hurried up. Zachary came across as a domineering, royal individual.’ Ollie and Lysander again peered up the sand slope. Volkner glanced at him, something shifting in his blue eyes, some spark of reason entering his flat stare, curiosity perhaps. After a long moment, he nodded.

To be continued…​
 
How is forever?
Joined
Dec 30, 2008
Messages
1,686
Reaction score
0
Loved the description at the start. It was like a Magritte painting. However I do have a couple of hints.

-Quotation marks are recommended for usage instead of single quotes/apostrophes. Alrighty-oh?

-Start a new paragraph each time there's a new bit of dialogue. It helps the reader follow along and prevents the eye from wandering. It also stops you from having long paragraphs.

Overall a nice job.
Looking forward to the next part of your story!
 
Lexio
Joined
May 22, 2009
Messages
575
Reaction score
1
-Quotation marks are recommended for usage instead of single quotes/apostrophes. Alrighty-oh?

-Start a new paragraph each time there's a new bit of dialogue. It helps the reader follow along and prevents the eye from wandering. It also stops you from having long paragraphs.
Okay, thanks for the feedback/advice. :)
 
Where the Shadows lie
Joined
Jun 15, 2009
Messages
4,608
Reaction score
1
It's not bad, though I think your major problem was not describing the characters enough. There's nothing wrong with it, but there's nothing about it that grabs you. Try describing some of the characters more.
 
Reader and Writer
Joined
Feb 6, 2009
Messages
3,446
Reaction score
61
I was going to say exactly what Phoenicks said before I saw that he already said it. lol

Good start. I liked the beginning, but I agree...make the characters a little more personable and interesting and your story will really be good! Keep up the good work. :)
 
Top