TEEN: The World May End, but Grief Never Does[A MOTHER 3 One-Shot] (Summer 2020 One-Shot Contest).

[Ryoma Maser]

Kumatora didn't feel like she would fit in Tazmily when Lucas and his father Flint invited her to live with them, little did she know that Lucas would need her more than ever when she pieces something together none of them would expect.

This is my one-shot for the Writers Workshop Summer One-Shot competition, with the theme of "Right Character, Wrong Genre," with a Mother 3 based fic. I must warn for spoilers since this does take place after the game's story and I forgo explaining some certain things from the game as they play minimal part in the story. I hope you enjoy this story.

In accordance of the Rules of the Writer's Workshop, I've decided to rate this story TEEN, however due to some of the topics I do feel like it would work better as a in-between of TEEN and MATURE, so take this as an warning.
Content: [Death] [Discussions of Grief] [Discussion of Parental Neglect and Favoritism] [Attempted Suicide].
If you are uncomfortable with the topic of suicide, I highly recommend you do not read this story regardless of how well or how bad I may have written it. Suicide is not something to take lightly like we all know, so please exercise caution while reading this story.
If the rating has to be change if you believe, please contact me and I will change accordingly.

So let's tell the story then.
​

 

[Ryoma Maser]

The World May End, but Grief Never Does.​

Kumatora was so used to wandering around the island on her lonesome, or at least with Lucas and the others, she’s never really stayed in one place for so long, well not since her childhood with the Magyspies. So after the events of the world’s end and rebirth, when Lucas and his father Flint offered her to stay with them, she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t decline the offer, could she? After everything they've been through together over their adventure. Not to imagine how Duster would feel if she were to leave.

Thus, Kumatorsa accepted and became a member of their household. Joining the rebuilding civilization of Tazmily Village, after the world’s end.

~

Kumatora walked into the house’s kitchen that morning, shortly after waking up prior. Giving off a loud yawn into the area and taking a seat at the table in the room.

“.....Morin guys….,” the groggy girl said.

“Good morning Kumatora,” the father and son said together.

“How did you sleep?” Lucas asked.

“Fine, just something about that bed isn’t agreeing with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I’ve slept in many places over the years, different beds and on the ground which you should know very well,” Kumatora went on. “It’s probably just taking me a while to get used to it.”

“Oh, okay then.”
Kumatora noticed a small change of emotion in Lucas’ voice. She understood that the young boy was still undergoing a lot of grief due to the lingering effects of his mother’s death, as well as the more recent finding and subsequent death of his brother Claus. He’s probably wanting everything to back to some form of normalcy, no matter how small and simple it may be.

“Anyways,” she said as she tried to change the topic. “What’s the plan for today? Continue work on repairing the house?”

“No, the repairs are pretty much done at this point, just some final touches on the roof and some on the inside,” Flint explained. “Today’s the weekly village meeting.”

Ever since the world was reborn and the army known as the Pigmasks disappeared, the village of Tazmily has been rebuilding, or more accurately trying to decide what to keep from the Pigmasks brought and what to bring back from old Tazmily. While the Pigmasks were no concrete good people, they did bring a handful of good inventions that made life a bit easier for the village and one honestly can’t blame the village folk for wanting to keep some of it. While Lucas and his father Flint prefer the old ways, they compromise with the villagers deciding what to keep from old Tazmily and what the Pigmasks brought.

“Didn’t we just have one though?”

“Kumatora, do you ever pay attention to the days?” Lucas asked. “You’re like this every time we bring this up.”

“Really no,” she replied bluntly. “After I left the Magyspies, I kinda stopped paying attention to the days. There wasn’t really a point when it was just me for a
while, when it’s light, do your business, when it becomes dark, find somewhere to sleep.”

Lucas made a sour expression at Kumatora. Was it really that big a deal that she didn’t follow what day it was?

“Now, now Lucas,” Flint spoke up. “You should be more mindful of Kumatora’s way of life, sometimes habits are hard to break. And remember she’s our guest and
more importantly your friend, if you keep commenting negatively towards her, she’s not going to be your friend anymore.”

Lucas looked down at his feet and made a small whimper.

“Sorry Kumatora,” the young boy said.

“Hey, nothing to be sorry over,” Kumatora said. “You’re just worried for me and you want me to be comfortable here, it’s fine.”

A look of small relief went over Lucas’ face when Kumatora said what she said. It’s a small victory over some small things, but it’s nice to see him with some
positive emotions for a change recently.

“Lucas, how bout you go get ready and let Kumatora have her breakfast.”

“Okay!” The boy said and proceeded to run off towards his room to get ready.

“After everything he’s been through, I keep forgetting he’s still a kid sometimes,” Flint spoke up after Lucas left.

“Yeah,” Kumatora simply said. “He was so quiet for a long time after I met back up with him, it’s nice to see him talking a lot, even if it’s about some simple things.”

The two sat in silence for a small while. Kumatora wondered if she should even say anything, she doesn’t really know Flint like Lucas and Duster do, so she doesn’t
really know how to speak with him. But there has been one question on her mind for a while.

“Excuse me, Mr. Flint,” Kumatora finally spoke up. “How have you been doing?”

“Just Flint if you will please. I’ve been doing fine, what brought this question along?”

“Well, I mean how are you doing physically and mentally,” Kumatora tried to explain. “A while ago, you took two direct PSI attacks, lightning no less, for Lucas head on by Claus when he was still under control by the Pigmasks. I also overheard from the villagers that you took horrible care of yourself over the years you searched for Claus, so, to be honest from what I know from that and my experience altogether, it’s a miracle you're even functioning.”

Flint looked down while Kumatora finished her statement. She knew she may be overstepping her boundaries but she had to be sure, she didn’t want Lucas to lose another family member so soon after losing his brother, especially since he and Flint have recently reconciled. Kumatora didn’t even want to imagine the broken state Lucas would be in if his father died so suddenly.

“Thank you for the concern, really, but I will be fine.”

“But, Lucas can heal you,” Kumatora protested. “You don’t have to secretly burden the pain all alone.”

Flint smirked; “My son is a gifted young man, but my wife didn’t get the chance to see these gifts unfold and have them available to herself, so I will decline. All I want now is to make up for lost time with my son, no matter how much time I may or may not have left.”

Sounds of steps started to emerge from the hallway behind them, Lucas was coming. She’ll have to continue the conversation with Flint another time, though she slowly realizes another problem. How will she tell Lucas that his father is slowly dying?

~

The trio arrived at the village’s plaza a short time after leaving the house. While Flint and Lucas’ minds were surely on the town meeting, Kumatora was on other things, not that she cared about the town meeting in the first place. She always excused herself from the matters of the village despite Lucas’s protests, she wasn’t a native of the village, she was simply a guest from her point of view and really had no say in anything.

She parted from the father and son after they reached the plaza, where Kumatora leaned herself against a tree not too far from the meeting place. In this spot she
can overhear parts of the details of the meeting, but not enough where she would know the whole thing. But she soon tuned out from the world as her mind
became overgrown with thoughts.

“So how do I tell Lucas about Flint?” She whispered to herself aloud. “Do I tell him directly? Or do I trick him into giving him a discreet healing move?”

Kumatora shook her head until it felt like it was rattling so much it stopped.

“But what if we don’t heal him in time? How do I console him? That his father knew it was coming but accepted it, he denied treatment because he didn’t want to
have the opportunity his wife didn’t? That will only make Lucas suffer more.”

It dawned on the young woman that she didn’t really know anything about grief or how to console others. When all the Magyspies passed on, especially Ionia,
Kumatora was distraught for a long time but she always knew that they also accepted their eventual deaths despite their supposed immortality, so she was
conditioned for the eventual day it would happen. But she doesn’t know how to help someone deal with their own grief. She doesn’t know anything about having an actual mother and father, a brother, she knows nothing about a family like Lucas has.

A single but strong tear ran down her face, Kumatora knew nothing on how to help Lucas and Flint through this situation. It was always easier dealing with
problems on her own, as it was always something simple or combat related. She was always a fighter, not a counselor for someone else’s emotions.

“What is your problem with her!?”

Kumatora’s ears perked up towards the village meeting. She thought she heard Lucas yelling, which was weird for the boy, he almost never raises his voice.
Kumatora dried her face from her tears and listened.

“We have no problem with her Lucas,” one of the villagers said. “We are just worried that she may be a remnant of the Pigmasks, we’ve never seen her before until
they showed up as well.”

“Do you think I would trust her to travel with myself and Duster if she was one of them? Who along with us helped stop the army from destroying the island and
saved all of our lives,” Lucas fought back. “Without Kumatora, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

“With words like that you forget he’s only in his early teens.”

A man emerges from Kumatora’s right, walking with a limp in his left leg. It was Duster, another companion she and Lucas traveled with during their time against the Pigmasks.

“Duster!” She exclaimed, confused. “Shouldn’t you be at the village meeting?”

“The village meetings never been my type of thing, I attend occasionally but Lucas and Flint usually take the reigns in the affairs of the village so I leave it to them.”

“Yeah, they know their home best.”

Duster noticed the offness of Kumatora, confused as she never acted like this before, at least not so obvious.

“Kumatora, are you alright?” Duster asked. “It looks like you’ve been crying.”

She laughed disingenuously in response; “Me!? Crying? I don’t cry Duster, you should know that.”

“You cried after Lucas pulled the final needle,” he replied bluntly.

“No I wasn’t Duster, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Duster’s face swapped from his usual look to a more somber look, obviously displeased that Kumatora is trying to hide something more than her tears. Bottling up her emotions and keeping them to herself will not do her good like she thinks.

“Kumatora, it’s not safe to bottle up your emotions,” Duster said. “If you have something to say, say it, it might help you in the long run more than you think.”

The pink-haired girl looked down. Duster is right, she should tell him about Flint, but even still she feels like he shouldn’t know until she knows what to do. But she needs to get some of it chest and he would at least know something to help.

“Yes, I was crying,” Kumatora gave-up and started explaining. “But they weren’t for me in a way. What I’m about to say, don’t tell Lucas, it will kill him.”

“What do you mean? Are you leaving after what the villagers said? And why not tell Lucas?”

“I’m not leaving the village, I don’t have the heart to do it after what all of you guys have done for me,” she replied. “It’s a bit worse than that… Flint is dying Duster,
he could drop dead at any moment.”

Duster’s face changed to complete shock and sadness as the words left Kumatora’s mouth, he understood now why she didn't want Lucas to know. But the look also gave Kumatora realization that he doesn’t know what to do either.

“Are you certain?”

“I’m pretty sure, he took two lightning attacks to protect Lucas and I heard from the villagers he took horrible care of himself during the years we weren’t here in the
village. Plus to make matters worse, he refuses the idea of Lucas using his PSI abilities to heal him, saying that his wife didn’t have access to them when she died so why should he take advantage of them. I could heal him myself, but Lucas has the stronger healing PSI than me.”

“Oh god that’s stubbornness if I ever heard it, no wonder you don’t want to tell Lucas,” Duster said. “If he heard that after that all that’s happened, he would really
think he wasn’t loved by his father, especially after all they went through.”

“Flint did tell me that all he wants to do now is spend time with Lucas, but then why is he hiding any of this from Lucas when he can simply heal him?”

“Lucas has probably been worried most of his life since Hinawa died,” Duster responded. “Flint probably doesn’t want him to be in some state of panic all the time,
for the first time in a while there’s some peace and quiet around the boy.”

“You have a point,” she commented as she turned towards the village plaza. “Lucas has been much better recently than when he was traveling with us, he’s much more lively than he was. Though I still think he’s using it to cover his grief, which is why I need to find a way to help his father, so he doesn’t go through it again.”

Duster smirks as Kumatora turns back around from looking at the plaza.

“What’s with that smile!?”

“What smile?” he joked.

“That smile you hypocrite!”

“Just, it’s nice seeing this side of you,” Duster said. “The last I saw it is when I lost my memory and you were desperate to get my memories back, and now you’re
desperate to help Lucas.”

“I didn’t do anything at all last time, a bolt of random lightning got you your memories back, not anything else,” the girl dismissed. “I think I was more desperate to
get out of my disguise more than anything, I know nothing really about helping people, especially emotion wise.”

“Hey, Kumatora!!”

The girl looked towards the direction her name was called and saw that Lucas and his father were coming back from the village meeting. She waved towards the
two and gave a false, reluctant smile.

“Oh, Duster, what are you doing here?” Lucas asked.

“Just decided to pop in and saw Kumatora, we ended up reminiscing a bit.”

“About what?”

“Secret,” Kumatora playfully replied.

“Ah come on!”

Flint gave a small smile watching the scene which Kumatora noticed, happy to see his son playing around like this. Which made it all the more shocking when his face went sickeningly pale and he started sweating heavily.

“Oh no,” Kumatora whispered.

Flint started to fall to the ground as he desperately tried to grab onto his son's shoulder for support.

“Dad?...Dad!!”

He grasped the center of the chest as he grew even more pale, until his body couldn’t hold himself anymore. He collapsed onto the ground, almost bringing his
son down with him.

“Duster!” Kumatora screamed. “Go get help now!!”

The panicked girl quickly flipped over the fallen Flint onto his back and onto a nearby tree as Duster quickly split from the group and into the plaza to find help.

“Flint, everything’s going to be alright.”

“Dad, please Dad, don’t you leave me too!” Lucas began to cry as the realization set in.

Kumatora placed her hand onto the man’s back as golden white energy flowed through her arm and into Flint in desperate hopes that her Healing PSI would
work. Her face quickly turned to panic as she panned towards Lucas as his face was raining with tears and in a complete frenzy of emotions. She looked past him searching for Duster or anyone to help here, wondering where everyone went so quickly.

“Lu...caas..,” the weakened Flint tried to speak.

“Don’t speak Flint,” Kumatora hurriedly said. “Save your strength.”

Kumatora’s hand stopped glowing of PSI energy, but despite how much of the healing technique she used, it didn’t seem to work at all. She was in shock of how it wasn’t working, did the injuries that Flint sustained over the years made his body in this terrible shape? Or was he that stubborn to reject the Healing PSI that his
body was rejecting it as well?

“Lucas,” Flint said again. “No..matter...what...happens..just be sure to know...that I love you.”

“I know!” Lucas yelled as he took his father’s hand which began glowing. “You’re going to be alright!!”

Rain and thunder began as loud steps were heard as Duster and a group of people were rushing in as Flint’s condition grew worse. No matter what Lucas or Kumatora did with their PSI, Flint’s body did not accept it at all. Kumatora, with all her might, sadly had to pull Lucas away from the fading Flint.

What she feared has happened. Flint has passed on from this world.

~

Hours passed like days to Kumatora as she sits outside the door to Lucas’ bedroom, with only the pounding rain as her only companion. After what happened to
Flint in the plaza, the resident grave digger Nippolyte and the resident nurse confirmed he died from some form of internal attack. Despite the rain, he’s currently digging the grave next to Hinawa and Claus’, with a funeral planned for whenever the storm let’s up.

“Lucas,” the girl muttered. “I’m sorry, I tried my best to help your father, but he refused any help and even when I did, it didn’t work.”

Tears started flowing out of her face, Lucas has lost all of his family and she doesn’t know what to do now. She cannot even understand what the boy is going through, losing all of his family. While Kumatora has lost her adopted family of the Magyspies, she accepted their deaths cause they knew they were going to die someday when their needles were pulled, so she was ready for it. But Lucas wasn’t prepared for any of the sudden deaths of his family like she was.

Despite the loud rain there was a knock on the front door that Kumatora was able to hear. She attempted to dry her tears as she got up to answer the door. As soon as she got the door a woman immediately came rushing in to get out of the rain.

“Woooo, sorry for that,” the woman said. “That is a powerful rainstorm, the worst we’ve had in years.”

“Uhh, sorry,” Kumatora oddly replied. “May I ask your name again, I haven’t gotten used to getting to know all the residents' yet.”

“Oh, no biggie! It’s Tessie.”

“Yes, you were at the plaza when it happened earlier.”

“I’m the resident nurse so that’s why I came rushing, but honestly I didn’t expect that to happen as it did. Though I guess it was so supposed to happen eventually considering how badly he took care of himself. I can barely even imagine what Lucas is going through right now.”

Kumatora’s face swapped back to sadness as Tessie said that. No matter what happens from now, she’s always going to have this day follow her it seems.

“But anyways, I figure neither of you two would be in the mood to cook, so I brought something over. Hopefully all of it should still be warm,” she said as she
placed a basket she brought with her on the table.

“Thank you,” was all that Kumatora could say.

“I still remember vividly the day Hinawa died, Flint was in such a wreck and was lashing out against everyone. I remember having to shield the boys when he was on his rampage. I really hope Lucas doesn’t act like his father did, he’s much more like him than he thinks. But I’ll think he’ll come out fine.”

“Why?”

“Cause he has you Kumatora.”

The young woman could only look at Tessie when she said that. “Cause he has you” did she really just say that? She wasn’t really the best choice to help anyone in this type of situation, she’s more a physical fighter who beats up their problems than someone who talks with someone about their emotional ones.

“Oh don’t give me that look, y’know Lucas considers you family. I’m sure with you by his side, he’ll pick himself back up in due time.”

“Lucas, considers me family?” She silently whispered to herself.

“He always speaks so highly of you, the wondrous Kumatora, the big sister he never had. I think the second you came to stay here in the village, he had the
strength he had with his brother Claus back.”

Kumatora didn’t know what to say when she heard the nurse’s words, so she remained silent.

“Well, I gotta go,” Tessie interrupted. “I need to get back before the storm gets any worse.”

Kumatora snapped back to reality; “Oh yes, of course. Stay safe out there.”

“Thank you, enjoy the meal and I hope Lucas can recover soon.”

As the sentence ends, Tessie waves as she grabs and opens the door into the torrential rain coming down on the village running out into the deep darkness.
Kumatora closed the door behind Tessie, leaving her alone once again with just the rain. She sighed, realizing what she must do now.

She picked up the basket and walked back towards Lucas’ room, tears almost ready to flow again. The girl attempted to force her eyes to stop being teary and
began to knock on Lucas’s door, hopeful that he would respond.

“Lucas,” she said. “Is it alright that I come in? Tessie came over despite the rain and dropped off something for us to eat.”

A few seconds of stillness lasted until she heard a weak; “It’s..fine, come in.”

She grabbed the handle of the door with a slight tremble in her hand as she turned and pushed into the boy’s room. The room was so dark as Lucas never
bothered to turn on any lights, only a flash of thunder let her see the table and lamp in front of her and move towards to turn it on. She turned the lamp on and placed the basket on the side table, as the light illuminated the room she looked to find Lucas weeping in the corner, with the faithful family dog Boney by his side.

She walked over and crouched in front of him; “You want to talk about it?”

“I...rather...not.”

“I know it’s going to be tough, but I think you should probably talk it out. Bottling up all your grief won’t do anything for you but make it worse.”

“You’ve done it though..” Lucas whispered.

“Yes I’ve done it and I probably shouldn’t when I had people like you and Duster to talk about it. But we had more important things to do than worry about at the
time, but now we have all the time in the world. But if you’re not ready that’s fine, I don’t know myself if I’m ready to talk about either.”

Kumatora stood up and walked back to the table to pick up the basket with the food Tessie had given them and then promptly walked back to Lucas and joined him on the floor.

“I would understand if you’re not hungry, but I don’t want to waste the food that Tessie bravely brought us,” Kumatora said. “If you can eat, eat, you might feel
worse if you continue not to eat and if you want to say anything, say it.”

Kumatora began to open the basket and pull out what Tessie brought them. A warm meal, two containers of soup and a small sandwich for each with other small assortments for the two.

“Kumatora,” the grieving Lucas said.

“Yeah? Say whatever, whatever you want to get off your chest.”

“Do...do..you think my father died on purpose?”

Kumatora’s eyes shot into full shock as soon as those words left Lucas’ mouth. What in the world is he saying? Why and how would Flint die on purpose?

“There’s always been this dark thought in the back of my mind, that despite all that we’ve mended, he still loved Claus more than me. And since Claus and Mom are gone, he found some way to die to be with them.”

“Lucas, I don’t think so,” the girl tried to dissuade the boy’s dark thoughts. “He loved you with all his heart, all he wanted to do was just spend the last days he had with you.”

The grieving Lucas just shook his head; “But why!? Why did he have to die!!? Ever since Mom died, the world just keeps giving me grief! My brother disappeared, Dad searched for him with no care for me and himself, I found my brother but then it turns out I’ve been fighting him the entire time and then he dies! Now, when I finally think I have some stability in my life and my Dad back in my life, the world kills him off!! Why do I deserve this!?”

Kumatora just doesn’t know what to say as Lucas goes off, Boney whimpers as his surviving owner goes off on his rant against the world. Just how will this boy recover from his father’s death like this?

“Lucas, I think the world has no problem with you. Death happens, sometimes sooner, sometimes later. It’s the circle of life.”

“So I’m just going to accept all that happens to me as the way life goes? The physical, emotional pain, just everything that’s happened, is because life goes that way?”

“I...I don’t know,” was all that Kumatora could say.

“Yeah figures,” Lucas coldly says. “If you can’t beat it up, you just either bottle up or run away! What do you know about losing family members!? When the Magyspies passed on you just walked it off like it was nothing!!”

Kumatora felt hurt by Lucas' stinging words, but she knew in her heart that he didn’t mean it. He was grieving after all, it’s bringing out the bad side of it, that should be all. She desperately tried not to cry at the words as she decided to get back up.

She turned her back towards Lucas; “I’m going to my room and head to bed early, make sure you have some of the food Tessie gave us. And if you need anything,” she said as she turned around to reveal the tears she couldn’t hold back and the forced smile she gave. “Don’t hesitate to ask okay?”

Kumatora exited the room and closed the door behind her, placing her back against the door as the tears flooded across her face yet again. Despondent in what to do to help Lucas. He was right, which made it hurt so much, especially from him of all people. She runs away from her problems like she just did in that room.
“I’m sorry Lucas, I’m so sorry.”

~

A loud banging sound woke Kumatora up many hours later. She was unsure what it was, the rain was still going on, so it had to be thunder, right? It sounded so unnatural though to her for some strange reason but she couldn’t tell. It was then a loud howl ensued from inside the house.

“Boney?” Kumatora pondered. “Going on at this hour at night?”

The girl rushed out of her bed and into the hallway where Boney was nervously pacing in pace like he was waiting for the girl.

“Boney, what’s wrong?”

The dog was rushing in place, his thoughts going to fast for the girl to read his mind with her PSI abilities. The dog quickly ran in the direction of Lucas’ room,
continually barking in haste. Her mind quickly changed and rushed after him.

Kumatora quickly burst through Lucas’ bedroom door, worried for what Boney is going on about to be this frenzied. She entered, and the boy was gone. The room was empty, he was nowhere.

“Oh my god. Lucas!!”

She became fraught with worry, where did he go? Why would he leave all of a sudden in this torrential rainstorm? She looked towards the window, it was open wide despite the rain. Lucas must have gone through it, near it was his bed’s side table, on it was a letter of some kind. Kumatora picked it up and began reading it.

“Kumatora,
If you’ve found this letter, I have now left the house. I am very sorry for my words earlier, in my grief and my rage I lashed out against you, my dear friend. I’ve decided to find my answer on my own and decide if life is truly worth living without my family by my side. Life has been cruel to me and I don’t know what exactly to do. I need to see if my answer is out there, I may come back, I may not, but please remember I will always consider you a friend and more importantly family. If I don’t see you again, please take care of Boney for me and thank you for everything that you have done for me up till now.
Your friend, Lucas.”

“Oh, no,” Kumatora muttered. “Ohno no no no no oh no.”

She ran back to her room and made the quickest change of clothes she made in her life and ran out of the house with Boney in the pouring rain and the tough winds. She ran across the village to Duster’s residence so fast that she didn’t feel the rain landing on her. Once she arrived, she started pounding on the door as hard and as fast as possible.

The door opened a few moments later revealing the man at the other end; “Kumatora, what’s wrong? It’s the middle of the night.”

“It’s...it’s...Lucas...he’s gone…” she said out of breath. “I think, I think he’s going to kill himself!”

She passed on the letter Lucas left for her and Duster clasped his hand over his mouth. The day might be getting sadder soon if they don’t find him.

“I’ll wake the town, we need to find him before it’s too late.”

Duster ran out of his house and soon after the emergency bell started ringing across the town and a man started running from house to house waking up the village in this time of need. Even faster, most of the village folk were immediately gathered and began the search for Lucas in the horrendous rain.

While some of the villagers search the town head to toe, Kumatora, Duster and a group of others search the upper forest of the town. The massive rain and windstorm hindered their search by making it difficult to see and the constant danger of trees falling and the debris flying all over the place. But despite that, Kumatora kept going.

“Lucas!!”

Kumatora screamed his name across the entire forest with no response back every time she did it. Where could he be? He couldn’t have gone too far from the village in this storm, it just didn’t make any sense to Kumatora.

The search party converged an hour into the search, with no clue as to where the boy could go in this storm.

“Does anyone know where else he could go?” Kumatora asked.

“Young lady, we can barely do anything in this storm, it’s a miracle altogether we can hear each other,” someone complained. “If anything, Lucas took shelter somewhere and is waiting the storm out. We should do the same.”

“We don’t have time to wait!!” She yelled. “The more we wait there’s less of a chance of Lucas being alive.”

A lightning strike happened behind the forest and up the mountain, giving enough light to Kumatora to see it. Can it be? The place where Lucas went to be there?
“How about the mountain past the forest? Could’ve he gone up there?”

“The mountain?” The village folk muttered.

“Why would he go up there?” One of the villagers spoke up. “It’s where..oh god..”

“It’s where what!?

Duster slowly realized what the villager meant and started speaking; “Kumatora, that’s where his mother died and where Claus originally disappeared.”

The realization slowly came to Kumatora, the place where his family broke apart originally, what a perfect place for what he’s about to do. The girl immediately began rushing back towards the forest where the mountain was located.

“Wait!!”

Kumatora stopped.

“The mountain is going to be extremely dangerous with the rain and the winds!” One of the villagers said. “You’re best to wait until the storm let’s up a bit.”

“I’m not waiting for this stupid storm to end!” Kumatora yelled. “Lucas is out there and I’m not waiting when he could be in danger just because you’re worried about a storm. I’ll go without any of you then if you won’t help me.”

Kumatora looked over at Duster and Boney, the look conveyed exactly what she wanted them to do to them and they nodded. With that they split ways, Kumatora going into the mountain, while Duster and Boney go back and search through the town and the forest for Lucas again.

Kumatora ran across the forest at a breakneck pace, rain pouring on her like a waterfall as she went towards the mountains. She arrived at the mountains cliffside, looking for a way up as fast as possible. She knew there was a ladder here that the villagers put up somewhere, the storm was just making it hard to find it.

A few moments she found the ladder face planted into the ground as she picked it up and placed it back up where it once was. She climbed as fast as she could up the ladders, hoping in her haste that she didn’t slip and fall off the ladder. She arrived at the top safely, and immediately went back into a sprint.

“Lucas!!” She screamed.

No response.

“Lucas!!!” She screamed again.

Yet again, no response.

She kept delving deeper and deeper into the mountain, the rain getting more intense with how far she kept going. Searching every nook and cranny of it until she found Lucas, but once again he was nowhere in sight. She climbed, slipped, fell, all over the mountain but she didn’t stop. She couldn’t.

“LUCAS!!!!” Kumatora yelled so loud.

But once again there was no response, only the massive teardrops of rain that accompanied her.

“Wh….where...where..cou...could...he be?” Kumatora muttered to herself out of breath.

The rain was coming down so hard, she could barely see, but she continued on. Her legs were so tired they wanted to give out, but she kept on running. Her heart was beating so fast, it wanted to burst out of Kumatora's body, but she ignored it. She was so out of breath and her throat was hurting from yelling so much, but she kept going. She kept going and going despite her body telling her to stop, she had to keep going. She won't rest until Lucas was found.

Another hour passed and there was still no sign of the boy.

“Lucas!” She yelled once more.

No response.

She continued running, but her body stopped herself and she couldn’t keep herself standing as she fell face first into the drenched grass. Kumatora tried to force her body back up but it couldn’t, she ran out of energy.

“No! No! No! Don’t give out now!! Please!” She started crying in her words, but the rain had already been doing that for her. “Just a little longer.”

The sun started to rise as the storm finally began to dissipate. Kumatora looked up with the sun, and there he was on a cliff in front of her. Lucas. He was here! He’s right there!

“Lucas!” Kumatora screamed with all her might.

She tried getting up, but her body kept pulling her back down and she just ended up crawling over to him as fast as possible. Lucas meanwhile, was walking closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Kumatora slowly realized what was happening as she attempted to get closer.

Lucas was going to jump.

“NO!!!”

Despite all the fight her body was giving her, she forced it to stand up and began running towards him as fast as she could. The pain fought against her but she ran as far as she could as Lucas got closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. And then, he dropped.
“LUCAS!!!”

She ran and grabbed his arm at the last possible moment, barely gripping on to the edge of the cliff. Her arms had no energy left, but she pulled as hard as she could against her body to bring up the boy.

“Kumatora don’t!”

“No, I search all night for you. Life isn’t done with you yet!”

She was able to pull him up into her chest and a tight but very wet hug, promptly collapsing onto the ground. Kumatora found him, with her energy exhausted to the point of wanting to fall unconscious, but she forced herself to stay conscious for Lucas’ sake. Tears started flowing down her face once again.

“Why...why...did you want to jump? You’ve had me fraught with worry all night.”

“That was the answer I came to, to be with my family, I had to join them in the land of the dead, we could’ve been together.”

“Oh, Lucas,” Kumatora bemoaned. “Killing yourself wouldn’t make any of this better for you. Wherever you ended up, I think your family would be mad at you, that you killed yourself to be with them instead of living your life.”

“Be mad at me?” Lucas pondered confused.

“They all loved you with all their hearts, they protected you so you can live and you would return it with your death? I imagine they would be more than mad looking from above, of course the grief you would give me and the rest of the village.”

Lucas looked shaken by Kumatora’s words, realizing what he may have brought down on his friends and the village by almost taking his own life. He really didn’t know what he was thinking. At that point, he just started crying.

“It’s fine let it all out,” she said. “I’ll be the shoulder you lean on from now on, like you said, I’m your family now. I won’t be like your mom and dad, and I for sure won’t be a replacement for your brother but starting today I’ll always be by your side.”

~

The surrogate siblings arrived back in Tazmily to the entire village waiting for them in the plaza. With a look of worry on all their faces dissipated as they saw the two together. Duster immediately ran up to the two of them, with Boney not far behind him and gave the two a great big hug.

“God I was so worried for the both of you,” Duster said. “When the storm let up we were going to go in immediately, but then you guys walked in.”

The rest of the village walked around the group, the look of relief to see Lucas and his surrogate sister safe and in one piece was warming to the two. Especially to Lucas, as he’s known the village his whole life.

“I’m sorry that I worried everyone, I let my grief take over me and I made a horrible decision.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything Lucas,” one of the villagers spoke out.

“Grief makes people do stuff they wouldn’t want to do.”

“We are just happy you’re safe,” Tessie broke through the crowd to say so.

“Thank you everyone,” Lucas said.

~

A few days later, Kumatora walked into Lucas' room, where the boy was staring out his window. Both of them were dressed in black, about to bury Flint with his wife and his other son.

“Lucas, are you ready?”

“Yeah,” he simply said.

He turned around from the window, walking towards his surrogate sister. Looking at her choice of wear, surprised at it.

“You’re wearing a dress? I thought you hated them?”

“I do,” Kumatora explained. “But I didn’t have anything that would suit this type of precession, so I borrowed it from Tessie.”

“Oh, you look nice in it.”

“Thank you, you look nice as well.”

The two walked towards the front door of the house, getting ready to leave.

“You sure you want to go with everyone there? We can go later.” Kumatora asked. “I know you’re still dealing with it hard.”

“My grief will probably never end, I rather confront it then run away from it like I did a few days ago.”

“Alright and if you can’t do it, remember I’ll be there, we’ll take it on together.”

 

[System Error]

Okay, Mother 3! A game I never finished. I blame my former OCD completionism and missing one little thing in C7 when I was unexpectedly gated and my last save back was in early C5. Also shoutouts to the sometimes asinine rating system of the workshop, although I think I still ran into it harder.

- Not opening with the "fixed" logo seen in the game's epilogue? Or is that purposeful to keep the original one to play with the genre theme?
- I don't think Kumatora's accent is so thick as to call the morning the morin.
- Missing double paragraph break after the sentence that's like okay then.
- Could you say it is Grief Syndrome? Although, my gimmick is to reference mecha stuff, not magical girl stuff. But seriously, yeah. Grief can be a hell of a thing to go through, as I've seen. Wouldn't be surprised if Flint is grieving so hard he just gave up on life.
- Thought you were going to make a doorknob joke when it came to the house's repairs, but CTRL+F found nothing.
- The paragraph about what to keep and what to throw from the pigmasks has some redundancy in it.
- I don't remember Lucas being kind of a dick when I played. Then again, Mother 3 does the weird thing where every protagonist is silent but only when you're controlling them from their perspective, and we never see adolescent Lucas.
- PSI Lighting is the flashiest attack, but it is also a typo. There's actually several instances of this one throughout the entire fic, and in fact not once is it called lightning.
- Too many lines before the sentence where Flint says he's fine, thanks for the concern. Too few a bit later before the scene ends. Seems to be a recurring problem and if I mention every last one, it'd take up too much space.
- Also noticing there's plenty of jumping between past and present tense in the fic.
- Was going to bring up Kumatora crying at the end, and crying now being a bit off, but decided not to. But, it's being mentioned anyway. It could be chalked up to character development anyway.
- Tsun.
- some of it chest <- What? Typo.
- Another one a bit later, gave up shouldn't be hyphenated.
- Do they even have the concept of god on Tazmily? Maybe Duster shouldn't be saying oh god, in that case. Same goes for a lot of other uses of it later. Forget what the fanslation does, it's been ages.
- Ridiculously tsun. But not out of character tsun either.
- Well, shit. Death can be abrupt, sadly. Was Flint taking care of himself badly even a thing that was mentioned in the actual canon? Like I said, it's been ages.
- let’s up <- Typo.
- You know? I got a question. Where the hell is Boney? To a lesser extent, where's Wes? He was one of the more important characters of the game, not to mention one of the most anti-Pigmask and linked to Kumatora, and he's just not here at all.
- it was so supposed <- Typo
- Nice interpretation of Lucas and Kumatora's relationship. Probably the sensible one too if you read between things. Which it's hard to because he's a silent protagonist and she's, y'know, Kumatora. Was expecting a bit more between her and Duster besides the one mention and some tsun, but that's not the focus so...
- Oh hey there's Boney. Where the hell has he been??? Feel the scenes would've had a lot more impact if he was around.
- Hmm...it's an adequate portrayal of grief so far. Everyone grieves differently in any case, and it's okay.
- going to fast <- You went too fast and made a typo.
- Man, this is supposed to be a dramatic scene, but the line about the day getting sadder soon is so awkward that it just completely shattered the flow.
- Action, action! Not really a lot to comment on in the scene, except how I'm noticing a lot of word repetition.
- Why didn't the rest of the former party follow Kumatora, anyway?
- Breakneck paste sounds like a lethal topical or a squeezable condiment so good it will literally kill you.
- Do like the description of massive teardrops of rain!
- How'd Lucas not get too cold from exposure to the storm, anyway?
- Fraught with worry is a very un-Kumatora like phrase, but maybe that's the princess in her slipping through.
- Boney shows up at the end, but doesn't really do much. Yeah, feel he could've played a much bigger role. He was Lucas' companion for like the whole game.

Not sure about what you were going for with the theme. At first I thought it was going to be Kumatora out of her depth in the village, and then out of her depth trying to console someone. Wasn't expecting it to go in this direction, and I'm leaning it was the latter you were doing with - or maybe Lucas still being down in a positive recovering worlds - yet still unsure.

But hey, if it is Kumatora, as a certain other Ryoma proves, there's nothing you can't solve through sufficient application of hotbloodedness and just enough of a humane side. So we have a happy ending after all! Happy as it can be. Yes I know this one is a stretch but I'm running with it anyway.

The second-biggest problem , after not involving characters as much as you could've (which is perhaps excusable because wordcounts), was the technical stuff. Normally I don't get too hung up on them much, but there were enough around that it kept taking me out of things whenever they happened. Like the aforementioned line about the day getting sadder soon. Was getting into the scene, and that just broke it right there. Do also have to admit, it was borderline melodramatic in a couple places. Maybe even the whole concept can be argued as such, because Flint dying, seriously? The poor kid's been through enough. In a way, how Lucas is at the end is fitting - he's almost doing what Kumatora was doing. Almost. He's powering through instead of kind of evading. I fear for him growing up, though. He's either going to be tough as nails or too shellshocked for it all, likely nothing in between.

This was a bit flawed, but all the pieces of something good were there. I feel if it was cleaned up, it could be a very solid little one-shot. Deadlines happened though, I'm imagining.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Alright, reply to review time.

Okay, Mother 3! A game I never finished. I blame my former OCD completionism and missing one little thing in C7 when I was unexpectedly gated and my last save back was in early C5. Also shoutouts to the sometimes asinine rating system of the workshop, although I think I still ran into it harder.

Yeah, I had a hard time deciding whether which of the two goes with, so I went with TEEN and just gave a general warning.

- Not opening with the "fixed" logo seen in the game's epilogue? Or is that purposeful to keep the original one to play with the genre theme?

To be honest, I couldn't even find it. It was last minute since I figure I would add the title as according to the file on my Google Drive, it's MOTHER 3 then the one-shot's title.

- I don't think Kumatora's accent is so thick as to call the morning the morin.

She's still waking up in the beginning, so I intended it for her to have a drowsy voice so I figure the latter would fit.

- Missing double paragraph break after the sentence that's like okay then.

There was a weird error when transplanting the story from the Google Doc, so I had to manually double break most of the story, so it was likely I missed a few. I'll go back and get the ones I missed once this is done.

- Could you say it is Grief Syndrome? Although, my gimmick is to reference mecha stuff, not magical girl stuff. But seriously, yeah. Grief can be a hell of a thing to go through, as I've seen. Wouldn't be surprised if Flint is grieving so hard he just gave up on life.

I actually never heard of it until I read this part, it could be it but I intended to be a delayed reaction from the stress he was giving his body and when he pretty much calm down from everything his body catch up with all the stress. But I originally had him die of a heart attack, but since they probably wouldn't know what that is, I change it to be more ambiguous. So it can be opened up to interpretation really.

- I don't remember Lucas being kind of a dick when I played. Then again, Mother 3 does the weird thing where every protagonist is silent but only when you're controlling them from their perspective, and we never see adolescent Lucas.

Granted he never talk much either when he wasn't a playable character. But if he came off like a dick it's probably either on non-intended on his part or he's either in grief mode. Though his father is the guy who attack some of the villagers with a burning log, so with that type of father figure I wouldn't put it past him.

- PSI Lighting is the flashiest attack, but it is also a typo. There's actually several instances of this one throughout the entire fic, and in fact not once is it called lightning.

I ALWAYS FORGET THE N!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! Why autocorrect!? The one time I need you!!!! I'll go back and fix it.

- Too many lines before the sentence where Flint says he's fine, thanks for the concern. Too few a bit later before the scene ends. Seems to be a recurring problem and if I mention every last one, it'd take up too much space.

I mean, I figure since I gave Flint a lot stubbornness, he just would constantly say it to end the conversation, especially with this interpretation I gave him. I compared him to Rocky Balboa in the Creed series of movies while writing him, his wife wasn't save by cancer through chemo (Hinawa through PSI) so he denied treatment until Adonis convinced him, though in this case in was too late for Flint.

- Also noticing there's plenty of jumping between past and present tense in the fic.

It wouldn't be a fic by me with this screw-up would it not?

- Do they even have the concept of god on Tazmily? Maybe Duster shouldn't be saying oh god, in that case. Same goes for a lot of other uses of it later. Forget what the fanslation does, it's been ages.

I honestly don't remember myself while I was technically using it as a general term. But since you never made it to the big reveal it seems, I'll put in a spoiler for you to show another reason this is okay for me; The Nowhere Islands was the last habitable place on Earth, so when they came there they wiped all their memories of the old world and gave themselves fake ones outside most of the kids and Kumatora (she was a baby orphaned on the way there) the term "god" could just be slipping through with their old memories returning in some way. Memories stay even if their gone you know.

- Well, shit. Death can be abrupt, sadly. Was Flint taking care of himself badly even a thing that was mentioned in the actual canon? Like I said, it's been ages.

While it wasn't, they mention the only things he've done in the past few years were visit Hinawa's grave and search for Claus. I imagine in Flint's mind, his fatherly instincts flared up and didn't back down so concern for his son dominated him, Claus was gone, no time to take care of himself.

- You know? I got a question. Where the hell is Boney? To a lesser extent, where's Wes? He was one of the more important characters of the game, not to mention one of the most anti-Pigmask and linked to Kumatora, and he's just not here at all.

Honestly I forgot about both, while when I remember Boney as you saw later on, I couldn't really fit him in that much but then a reason hit me why he wouldn't be a part of much the story in the beginning. He spent a lot time doing a lot of things a dog wouldn't do normally, even if he is a not so normal dog or his dog years could've caught up with him and he was just resting until the second half. As for Wes, I don't think I could have a part for him if I did wanted him in, but considering his disdain for everything, I think he wouldn't be here at all but honestly he doesn't really fit in this type of story.

- Nice interpretation of Lucas and Kumatora's relationship. Probably the sensible one too if you read between things. Which it's hard to because he's a silent protagonist and she's, y'know, Kumatora. Was expecting a bit more between her and Duster besides the one mention and some tsun, but that's not the focus so...

Well, I could see a romantic angle but Kumatora's a few years older than Lucas I believe so it would be a bit awkward for readers. Duster is also like ten years older than Kumatora and I really think they don't work well as a couple, so I gave them more of the older cousin, younger cousin relationship I had while growing up as a kid with my great cousins.

- Oh hey there's Boney. Where the hell has he been??? Feel the scenes would've had a lot more impact if he was around.

Honestly once again, I couldn't figure out much for him. With the only big part I could think of being the one to notice Lucas being gone. If I ever get the urge to rewrite the entire thing I'll try to add him in more.

- Why didn't the rest of the former party follow Kumatora, anyway?

The mountain was incredibly dangerous during the storm (which I imagine it's like a typhoon of some kind) so the less people the better most likely, besides Kumatora could totally just burn anything in her way anyways. Also Lucas could have been anywhere on the island and the villagers didn't want to continue searching cause of the storm, so the more grounds for search the better.

- Breakneck paste sounds like a lethal topical or a squeezable condiment so good it will literally kill you.

Well, I didn't notice that bad typo. Though I'll admit I laugh real hard when I read the comment. I'll go back and fix it.

- Do like the description of massive teardrops of rain!

My idea in my head was that the rainstorm was Lucas' tears in a way, but I couldn't figure how to add it in someway so this a relic of it.

- How'd Lucas not get too cold from exposure to the storm, anyway?

Honestly I thought about this but I couldn't find a way to put in it. He could've just counter with a PSI healing move or used PK Fire if Kumatora taught to him.

- Fraught with worry is a very un-Kumatora like phrase, but maybe that's the princess in her slipping through.

Well, Kumatora really isn't a princess actually but I imagine she pick it up from the Magyspies and just rarely used it.

Not sure about what you were going for with the theme. At first I thought it was going to be Kumatora out of her depth in the village, and then out of her depth trying to console someone. Wasn't expecting it to go in this direction, and I'm leaning it was the latter you were doing with - or maybe Lucas still being down in a positive recovering worlds - yet still unsure.

Yeah, knew that wasn't really going to come out well but figure I try.

That's all I can say in response, thanks for the speedy review and I'll fix some of the minor things you pointed out (just the spelling and the paragraphs, I'm not re-editing the whole thing, I went nuts trying to figure out how to end it I don't even want to go through it again).

 

[kintsugi]

! Mother 3! I listened to the soundtrack while writing this, and man, I forgot how much these tunes slapped.

Broad strokes: sad feelsbad stories; all is not right in Tazmily. It never is; poor Lucas, lol. I felt really bad for the kid; he can't catch a break, can he? I thought having Kumatora as this fish-out-of-water both in the village itself and in trying to help Lucas through this was a good application of the theme, and it's a fun envisioning of what must've happened to her post-game. I liked the thematic elements of rebuilding, picking and choosing what from the bad past you want to take with you forward (both with the Pigmasks in the village and with Lucas + Flint). And dealing with death of a parent is hard! Death of two parents and your entire family and also ending the world, harder.

(side note! I always interpreted the end of M3 as deeply tragic--either you/Lucas choose to restart the world/wipe everyone's memories again and force them to suffer through the same tragedy, or you/Lucas pass on Lucas's broken heart to the dragon, who ends the world (and the player doesn't start a new game)--either way, doesn't it end with Tazmily being absolutely destroyed by the emerging dragon? It's been a while so I could be wrong)

Character-wise: I think it's a good choice to focus on two main characters. It's kind of weird that Flint resigns himself to die (he! has a living son! like god I know he basically abandons Lucas after Hinawa/Claus die, but part of his M3 arc is understanding why that wasn't a good idea), and that Duster/Boney end up sidelined even though they could probably also offer Lucas a lot of advice, but I can see why you needed to do that to winnow down the cast a bit. I just wanted a bit more from them--do they think Lucas needs them? Do they care?

Executionwise: there are stories that contain grief, and stories that are about grief. The former tends to get a bit more leeway with dramatic/cliche depictions of tragedy than the latter, since stories that contain grief also contain other things that they can use to tell a good story. I would say Mother 3 contains grief, in that it's a central focus but not the only one; this oneshot is more about grief, in that everything is surrounding this one, desperate moment. And I think it's totally fine to write a story about grief as a response to any media, but when you do, the takeaway needs to be more profound than sad things happen--which you start to have, here, but I don't think you explored as fully as you potentially could've in a work of this length. The main takeaway I got was the central message of talk it out, don't bottle it up--but for Lucas a lot of that story ends up muddled since we don't really get to see things through his eyes; to Kumatora, he goes from being a closed book to immediately telling deeply intimate and personal thoughts flat-out. It's a big adjustment.

Kumatora's arc is confusing as well for me--her lesson throughout the story is that she needs to stop relying on others, especially since she recognizes that she's absolutely not the right person to offer Lucas the emotional support that he needs. But she doesn't even try to confront the problem on her own at first--she notes that Lucas has stronger healing than her, but she doesn't even try. And her actions at the climax are the exact opposite; she sends everyone away and goes after Lucas herself, even though doing so nearly exhausts her to the point that Lucas almost dies because she tries to find him alone (whereas taking Duster or Boney would've let her find Lucas in much less time). It ends up being a really strange takeaway, and I found myself surprised that her words even worked as comfort--her words are well-meant, but she basically guilts him with hypotheticals, and that works? It doesn't really feel like a healthy way for Lucas to unpack this, poor kid.

And it's messy, I think! Grief stories are hard to get right since it's conveying such a personal and complex emotion that varies wildly between individuals. For me I mostly just struggled to understand what Kumatora was feeling on a deeper level, which would've helped me believe her thought processes more--there's shock and pain at appropriate intervals, but her thoughts feel very surface-level. She knows Lucas so well, and she talks about it, but she never really tries to empathize with him (and actively avoids doing so). And there are these sad and messy scenes where Lucas lashes out in his grief, which hurts her, but she keeps brushing it off! I wanted to know more about her; if ignoring her thoughts were causing a similar self-destruct that we were seeing (at a distance) in Lucas. I think oneshots are tricky since you need to tell a complete narrative in your story, but they're also kind of interesting since you ... need to tell a complete narrative in your story--so like, things can go up on the chopping block if they need to. What was the central takeaway that you wanted from this story? Is it a lesson on how to cope with grief with others? Is it a cautionary tale about trying to confront enormous problems alone? And then--which scenes are actually necessary to tell this story? Do we need to wake up in their house to tell this message? Do we need to watch the village meeting? Does Flint to die onscreen to tell this message? For me, Kumatora's emotional core of the story starts after Flint's death--up until that, it's mostly just her being helpless and unable to do things; it's only in the second half that she begins making active choices to drive the story along.

And maybe those scenes are important--maybe the story you wanted to tell was instead one of how it's possible to be alone in a comforting space, in which case establishing the village early-on would be more necessary. But as it stood, the narrative of the first half feels very linear: Flint is built up to die, and then he dies. It's horrifying and sad, but it also didn't really add much to the story--I don't think I knew him better than I did at the end of M3; I didn't really get to see him rebuild his relationship with Lucas or form one with Kumatora.

Grammatically--the main thing was a ton of tense switching, which really threw me off. Some other typos as well, and you have a habit of creating run-ons by joining sentences with commas. I did a markdown in this document since it was easier than trying to flag all the sentences here; let me know if you want edit perms on it.

Stylistically--I liked the general word choice here, but I think sometimes the dialogue and the narration got pretty clunky. A few examples:

Kumatora was so used to wandering around the island on her lonesome, or at least with Lucas and the others, she’s never really stayed in one place for so long, well not since her childhood with the Magyspies.

This sentence goes in a lot of directions--she was alone, except she wasn't; she'd never stayed in one place, except when she had. That's a lot of contradiction in such a short sentence. I think it would've worked better as maybe something like:
> Kumatora had grown up with only the Magypsies--who, while loving, were hardly proper company for a human child. Until Lucas and the others showed up, she was used to wandering around the island alone.

Sounds of steps started to emerge from the hallway behind them, Lucas was coming.

Likewise, I noticed a trend about sounds of X emerging, dawning, starting--when they really don't need to. This could be streamlined to:
> Footsteps echoed in the hallway behind them. Lucas was coming.

M3 has really good dialogue, so I don't envy you for trying to add on to it! But at the same time I think M3's dialogue would look weird in fiction--a lot of videogames have to have characters saying things way more explicitly than they might in literary works, since videogames don't get the benefit of internal monologues/unskippable dialogues. So for instance here:

“Well I’ve slept in many places over the years, different beds and on the ground which you should know very well,” Kumatora went on. “It’s probably just taking me a while to get used to it.”

“Oh, okay then.”

Feels really weird--Kumatora knows she's slept on a lot of different beds; Lucas and Flint know this; Kumatora knows that Lucas and Flint know this--so why is she telling them? Then she doesn't really give an answer, and then they just dismiss it. Towards the end, a lot of the Lucas/Kumatora dialogue feels very direct and abrupt, which could work in some stories, but felt strange here given that the central conflict is how people have been shying around having these necessary conversations--for them to jump in so abruptly, in ways that almost felt inhuman, was kind of weird to read.

When all the Magyspies passed on, especially Ionia,Kumatora was distraught for a long time but she always knew that they also accepted their eventual deaths despite their supposed immortality, so she was conditioned for the eventual day it would happen. But she doesn’t know how to help someone deal with their own grief. She doesn’t know anything about having an actual mother and father, a brother, she knows nothing about a family like Lucas has.

I thought this was an interesting take! Kumatora's story has always been inherently tragic to me--at best she helps kill her adopted parents; at worst, she's too slow and someone else does. But she's definitely a rough-and-tumble gal and I could see how she'd stonewall off those emotions; I just didn't fully buy how them knowing they would die eventually helped her cope better than someone with mortal parents might? Like, Flint also knows he's going to die eventually. And her not knowing "anything about having an actual family like Lucas"--oof! I wanted to see more from this, how her growing up with the Magypsies led to this sad and very pragmatic approach to their life and deaths, since she doesn't really seem to care that much about them.

Duster’s face swapped from his usual look to a more somber look, obviously displeased that Kumatora is trying to hide something more than her tears. Bottling up her emotions and keeping them to herself will not do her good like she thinks.

I noticed a lotta face swapping, face changing, faces saying a certain emotion--it's a lot of saying sad things are happening, but not much weight behind it? Swapped is such a fast verb, and things are just spelled out here--first Duster is somber, now he is displeased, now she should know not to bottle up her emotions. There's the (admittedly overused) adage of "show, don't tell" that I think could apply to a lot of your facial descriptions. What does it mean to look somber for Duster? Does his jaw set in a weird way? Wrinkles above his eyebrows? How does his face show obvious displeasure? I think this would've helped characterize him a little more strongly, especially given that he and Boney get written out pretty much altogether.

Overall--a really ambitious story here! A lot of moving parts, and a tricky theme/topic to try to approach in a sensitive manner. I think the pieces were all here, but some of the execution could've been a bit more refined/focused--still, an interesting read!

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Okay, let me get this response out of the way, considering I might be here for awhile. Some stuff will be skipped but I'll be taking all of your feedback into consideration whenever I go back and edit/rewrite parts of this.

! Mother 3! I listened to the soundtrack while writing this, and man, I forgot how much these tunes slapped.

You know? I should've done that myself, but I went with lo-fi so I can tune out more easily for my thoughts while writing

(side note! I always interpreted the end of M3 as deeply tragic--either you/Lucas choose to restart the world/wipe everyone's memories again and force them to suffer through the same tragedy, or you/Lucas pass on Lucas's broken heart to the dragon, who ends the world (and the player doesn't start a new game)--either way, doesn't it end with Tazmily being absolutely destroyed by the emerging dragon? It's been a while so I could be wrong)

Honestly, it's very open to interpretation. As the characters did speak at the end of that part, I sorta interpreted it as while the world "ended" in a way, it was reborn. I also always thought since Lucas just lost Claus, his thoughts were scrambled and the Dragon just did what it could and just removed the Pigmasks and what they brought as it was the main cause of Lucas' grief.

Character-wise: I think it's a good choice to focus on two main characters. It's kind of weird that Flint resigns himself to die (he! has a living son! like god I know he basically abandons Lucas after Hinawa/Claus die, but part of his M3 arc is understanding why that wasn't a good idea), and that Duster/Boney end up sidelined even though they could probably also offer Lucas a lot of advice, but I can see why you needed to do that to winnow down the cast a bit. I just wanted a bit more from them--do they think Lucas needs them? Do they care?

Honestly I should've put in them more, especially Boney (I couldn't find a good place for them) but I figure Kumatora would be the best as we never got a true chapter focused on her in MOTHER 3, she never really had these type of situations in game (as she remained silent as soon as Ionia died until after the last needle was pulled) and I thought she fit best for theme of the contest. Flint I need to work on when I ever get back to re-writing/editing these parts after my break from writing, but I see where the problems with Flint came from, I didn't mean to take it that way (I probably should've had Flint say he'll should talk it out with Lucas or be wary of PSI in general since he never encounter himself until the end of the game as far as we know or it indirectly took Claus in a way at the beginning of the game). But expanding this character wise we'll be my main goal once I come back to this after judging is complete.

Kumatora's arc is confusing as well for me--her lesson throughout the story is that she needs to stop relying on others, especially since she recognizes that she's absolutely not the right person to offer Lucas the emotional support that he needs. But she doesn't even try to confront the problem on her own at first--she notes that Lucas has stronger healing than her, but she doesn't even try. And her actions at the climax are the exact opposite; she sends everyone away and goes after Lucas herself, even though doing so nearly exhausts her to the point that Lucas almost dies because she tries to find him alone (whereas taking Duster or Boney would've let her find Lucas in much less time). It ends up being a really strange takeaway, and I found myself surprised that her words even worked as comfort--her words are well-meant, but she basically guilts him with hypotheticals, and that works? It doesn't really feel like a healthy way for Lucas to unpack this, poor kid.

Yeah, this something else I need to work with big time. My reasoning for Kumatora not trying is that she didn't know what to do before it was too late and she wanted to tell Lucas but he was finally happy after three years of grief (until later of course) so she didn't want to ruined it for him. But I this will be something I will be trying to fix whenever I rewrite it.

Grammatically--the main thing was a ton of tense switching, which really threw me off. Some other typos as well, and you have a habit of creating run-ons by joining sentences with commas. I did a markdown in this document since it was easier than trying to flag all the sentences here; let me know if you want edit perms on it.

I appreciate the document it will help me big time in the future. I somehow suck with grammar despite English being my first language (and my current major in college to boot!) and the tense switching as always been a major problem of mine, so that's a journey of itself to fix it.

I thought this was an interesting take! Kumatora's story has always been inherently tragic to me--at best she helps kill her adopted parents; at worst, she's too slow and someone else does. But she's definitely a rough-and-tumble gal and I could see how she'd stonewall off those emotions; I just didn't fully buy how them knowing they would die eventually helped her cope better than someone with mortal parents might? Like, Flint also knows he's going to die eventually. And her not knowing "anything about having an actual family like Lucas"--oof! I wanted to see more from this, how her growing up with the Magypsies led to this sad and very pragmatic approach to their life and deaths, since she doesn't really seem to care that much about them.

I always thought Kumatora was in the stereotypical angsty teen rebellious phase when we first meet her and carries with her throughout the game (could be a reason she doesn't wear dresses or more girly clothing), so her care for her adopted family doesn't show until Ionia passes on (though this is the point where she remains silent along with the rest of the party). As being conditions for their deaths, it seems like she knew pulling the needles would happen would make them pass on but I feel like real unexpected deaths at least have some warning or at least the person can be savable in a way, but when the needles are pulled the Magypsies cannot be save from it. Plus, who knows who has PK Love if some random person or creature tries pulling the needle; like Ionia could be teaching a young Kumatora PK Freeze and then they're just gone like that, the needles can be pulled at any time so who knows when it happen, I imagine they had least told her this just so she wouldn't be scared out of her mind. But once again I can see the problem with this.

Overall--a really ambitious story here! A lot of moving parts, and a tricky theme/topic to try to approach in a sensitive manner. I think the pieces were all here, but some of the execution could've been a bit more refined/focused--still, an interesting read!

I'm glad you still enjoy it and considered it interesting. Honestly with all this really good constructive criticism, I'm surprised despite the negatives being front and center you still found it interesting. Apologies for the negative talk myself, I look towards the negative more than the positive so I take things differently in some cases. But anyways, thank you for the review and I'll try my damn hardest to incorporate all your feedback into my edits and rewrites when I get to it.

 

[namohysip]

Heya Ryoma, and this one's part II of your Secret Santa!

Now, I didn't actually expect a Mother 3 postgame fic here of all places, but you're in luck, because I've played through the whole thing and know the full context! I think you did a good job at briefly recapping the ending for those who weren't familiar, especially since it was a core aspect of this story, and I think you did a good job at keeping me in suspense on whether this story was going to go one way or another. It definitely could have gone a tragic or recovery route depending on how it went along, considering how the first half started.

All things considered, the pacing of the first parts of the story was a little confusing for me. For a long time it seemed like Lucas' father was far away from dying based on how he was, and it was a little surprising when he was suddenly at death's door, and then past it, all in a matter of one scene following all that buildup. It makes me wonder if the early portions of the story could have been more succinctly summarized and not too drawn out, because for the most part I was much more invested in the aftermath that followed rather than the buildup to it.

That being said, one thing that did impress me was the ambiguity behind Flint's motives or code when he died. It was hard to tell, even at the end, whether Flint died intentionally or just as a byproduct of his guilt and honor, rather than directly because of it. And considering how this sort of thing can sometimes go, I think that was handled well, as sometimes we really don't know.

Ending off on a note of recovery and partnership between Lucas and Kumatora was a good way to go, especially after everything else that had preceded it. Overall, I'd say this was a nice read despite the heavy tone, and it ended with a lot of the plot threads tied up or with a clear path forward. Thanks for the read, and happy holidays~

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Hey Namo, thanks for the review regardless if it was for Secret Santa or not!! While it's short review I'll comment on some of the stuff you said.

Now, I didn't actually expect a Mother 3 postgame fic here of all places, but you're in luck, because I've played through the whole thing and know the full context!

Dude, I was the guy who made a Orre slice-of-life fic, expect the unexpected from me.

I think you did a good job at briefly recapping the ending for those who weren't familiar, especially since it was a core aspect of this story, and I think you did a good job at keeping me in suspense on whether this story was going to go one way or another. It definitely could have gone a tragic or recovery route depending on how it went along, considering how the first half started.

I'm surprised at what you pointed out. I'm surprised I did so well at the recap part and the fact that you were suspense, considering Kin's and SE's reviews I thought I really didn't do that well on most parts but again I'm surprised you think so.

All things considered, the pacing of the first parts of the story was a little confusing for me. For a long time it seemed like Lucas' father was far away from dying based on how he was, and it was a little surprising when he was suddenly at death's door, and then past it, all in a matter of one scene following all that buildup. It makes me wonder if the early portions of the story could have been more succinctly summarized and not too drawn out, because for the most part I was much more invested in the aftermath that followed rather than the buildup to it.

Yeah that first part is something I really need to get back to and majorly edit so it can fit a lot better into the story, but it was supposed to be calm before the storm which it seem to work okay. Flint's condition is always something I was questioning since one NPC after the Timeskip in game said Flint's routine was always visit Hinawa's grave and then go look for Claus, with no mention of how he was treating himself in the process, not to mention how many attacks he would take for Lucas in the final Masked Man "fight" but then he looks no worse for wear except for losing his trademark hat which led me to main thing of this fic.

That being said, one thing that did impress me was the ambiguity behind Flint's motives or code when he died. It was hard to tell, even at the end, whether Flint died intentionally or just as a byproduct of his guilt and honor, rather than directly because of it. And considering how this sort of thing can sometimes go, I think that was handled well, as sometimes we really don't know.

Honestly this was completely unintentional, I guess the ambiguity basically ended up due to Flint denying any PSI healing moves and his body rejecting it, as well as Lucas speculating in his grief. The comment about his death being a byproduct of his actions in the game is really a major part of why I wrote him on death's door, he himself manage to move on from his grief and finally repair his relationship with Lucas at the price of finally finding but losing Claus again but his body probably didn't come to terms with that especially what he was doing to it in the three years and then some with what he was putting himself through. And then the grief of losing Claus and literally the world probably made him even more worse for wear.

Ending off on a note of recovery and partnership between Lucas and Kumatora was a good way to go, especially after everything else that had preceded it. Overall, I'd say this was a nice read despite the heavy tone, and it ended with a lot of the plot threads tied up or with a clear path forward. Thanks for the read, and happy holidays~

Yeah it's my personal headcanon that Lucas and Kumatora basically become siblings after the events since the party of Mother 3 basically becomes one and I really wanted to show that here since we never get a lot focus of the two only Kumatora and Duster get the most focus as a pair. Especially when Kumatora is similar to Claus in my opinion, it wouldn't surprise me if they started a brother-sister dynamic because of it.

Anyways, thanks for the review and the surprisingly very positive comments about it. I'm glad you enjoyed it, hopefully you'll come back and give it another go whenever I get the major edits in that it needs.