TEEN: Tower Academy: Shining Start

[Midorikawa]

So because I’ve been reading some Academy fics and hearing mentions of them I decided to try my own since the ideas have been annoyingly floating around in my head. No idea how good it will be but here goes. Also should note that I will edit and index into this post as I post more chapters. It will be above the first chapter. Feel free to give advice, praise or criticize my story.

---

Chapter 1: The Exam, The Helicopter and The Flying Oven

Sicilia looked up at the attendant as he announced that an examinee had just arrived, late. “It’s a no. He was late and thus he may not participate,” she stated matter of factly.

“Who is the late student anyways?” Sonia asked from her seat next to Sicilia.

“Jackie Anima mam,” the attendant informed her as a beep came from a computer in front of the two women.

“Let him participate. He seems interesting,” a male voice ordered from the computer.

“But-,” Sicilia started only to be cut off by a different voice also belonging to a male.

“It’s our choice overall. Let us see what he’s like. Feel free to put him up against whoever you like if it helps.”

With an annoyed sound Sicilia nodded her head to the attendant as he left to go inform the examinee.

---

Jackie walked to the railing behind the seats in the testing stadium. The young trainers there were all being tested to become students at the pokémon academy: Tower Academy. His golden buizel sat beside him as he watched the test battles going on. One was a boy with a smeargle facing a man using a slugma. The man notably wore a black uniform of a closed black jacket, pants, and shoes. This was the standard uniform for the attendants of the academy.

“Flamethrower slugma!” the man ordered the fire slug. His pokémon then released a stream of fire from its mouth aimed at the normal type.

“D-dodge,” the boy attempted to order however his partner was still hit by the attack and thus took damage. “Shadow ball!” The smeargle managed to recover and fired a black and purple ball from between its hands. The ball hit the fire type as it fired off another flamethrower that the boy countered with his own causing an explosion. From the smoke a shadow ball flew and hit the fire type knocking it unconscious and thus giving the boy the win. With a sigh of relief he walked over to his smeargle and picked it up as the two smiled at each other before walking up the stairs.

At the same time another boy was fighting an examiner with a raticate, while the boy used a rotom. He was doing well with his rotom not taking any hits from the raticate’s shadow balls which were the only attack it knew that could hurt the ghost type. The boy seemed to be toying with his opponent for fun until finally when he seemed bored he used shockwave and won the battle. Returning his rotom he left the field with a smile on his face that showed he was looking down on the examiner.

As the smeargle boy finished walking up the stairs Jackie noticed it was right by him. The boy had long black hair with its length past his shoulders but above mid back. His bangs were loose in front of blue-green eyes. For clothing he wore a white shirt with black pants tucked into mid shin black boots. Over everything he wore an oversized black coat with a red inside and hood. The bottom reached his knees and the sleeves covered his hands with his arms.

Jackie himself had messy brown hair with brown eyes. He wore a red vest over a black t-shirt with brown cargos and brown hiking boots.

“Your battle was awesome,” Jackie told the other boy.

“Ah thank you,” the boy replied with a smile, glad that someone didn’t see it as pathetic as he felt it was.

“Awesome? The examiners are made purposely weak and thus a battle where one took as much damage as him should not be considered “awesome”,” the boy with the rotom spoke up having arrived to the spot. He had bright red hair that reached just past his shoulders with sharp ends. Half of it was tied up in a round spiky ponytail and his bangs were just above his ruby eyes which in turn had rectangle black framed glasses over them. For clothing he wore a white button up, nice blue jeans and white sneakers.

“He won in the end and that’s all that matters,” a female voice spoke up. The boys turned to see a girl with long brown hair tied up in a normal ponytail and bangs on either side of her face reaching her chin with shorter cut bangs above her eyes that were a dark blue in color. For clothing she wore a white t-shirt with a red-pink hooded vest over it, white shorts with a pink bandanna with pokéball designs on it tied around her waist, pink and white fingerless gloves and pink & white sneakers with knee high purple socks as well as a purple belt. In her hair were to gold clips and on her shoulder sat an eevee.

“Hmpf. It does matter since with a battle like that he won’t make rank,” the red head stated his voice oozing with cockiness.

“What does that mean?” Jackie asked confused.

“He’s talking about how the school works,” the girl explained to him.

“Err how exactly is that?” Jackie asked chuckling while rubbing the back of his head. The three others just looked at him with shock. Why was he there if he didn’t understand how the school worked?

“Let me explain to you then,” another female voice said. This time it came from a girl taller than the four as the four of them were all short in height reaching 5’2’’ to 5’3’’ while the girl reached around 5’7’’. She had long white hair that reached just past her waist with a layer like look to it. Her eyes were violet in color and her skin was deathly pale. For clothing she wore black shorts, and a long sleeved black shirt as well as black sneakers. Around her neck hung a gold reshiram shaped locket. “The school has three dorms. Suicune Blue, Entei Red, and Raikou Yellow. You are placed into each dorm depending on personality. Suicune Blue students tend to be more calm and good at academics while Entei Red students are better at sports and are usually hot headed. Raikou Yellow are the ones that are in between the other two. However it goes farther than that as the academy is split into Ho-oh rank and Lugia rank. Ho-oh’s tend to be good at academics and at battling or coordinating as well as other things. In other words they are well rounded to a point but still exceed more at one thing than others. Lugia are those that aren’t meaning they usually suck at something like battling or academics. That’s why we took a written test and this one to see which rank we are. Our little red haired friend here looks like the rich boy kind that got plenty of education and thus he will be Ho-oh rank as he did well on both exams. He’ll probably also be in the Suicune dorm judging by his stuck up personality since supposedly all Suicune’s are like that,” the snow haired girl explained with a bright smile, much to the dismay of the red head. “I’m Junine by the way. What about you guys?” she asked the group.

“I’m Jackie Anima and this is my partner Pyrite,” Jackie introduced himself and his buizel.

“Robin Morgan, and my partner is named Van Gogh,” the boy with the smeargle stated.

The girl with the eevee introduced herself next. “I’m Midori Koutetsuban and my partner is named Ikusa.”

Seeing the other four look at him expectantly the red head introduced himself as Julian.

“JACKIE ANIMA AND MIDORI KOUTETSUBAN. PLEASE COME TO THE FIELD TO TAKE YOUR EXAM”

The two looked at each other before running down the stairs to the field surprised to see it was one. Originally the field had been four different ones for multiple exams to happen at once but now it was a single field. The two looked at the two teachers confused.

One teacher had chin length pitch black hair parted on to either side of her face and amber eyes. She wore a black sleeveless dress that had a low cut but plenty of cloth to wear cleavage showing wasn’t a problem and the hem reached her knees, along with black high heeled boots.

The other women had lighter black hair that was curly and reached mid back. Her eyes were a simple brown and for clothing she like the other had a dress on however hers was red in color with a deep v and higher hem while her shoes were red as well with straps all over.

“You two are the last examinees and thus we are doing your battle in the style of double battle,” the shorter haired woman stated. With a nod in the direction opposite of Jackie and Midori two girls came out and stepped on the opposite side of the field.

One girl had mid back wavy lavender hair and eyes. She wore a yellow hooded coat with the seams outlined in black and a lightning bolt emblem on the front over wear the heart was and the hem reached to the waist. Under it she wore a brown shirt and skorts with yellow sneakers.

The other girl also had mid back length hair however it was straight and a fiery red in color, her bangs reaching her chin on either side of her face and her eyes being like flames in themselves. She wore a blue hooded coat with the tail reaching her knees and the seams being outlined in purple with the emblem being a water drop. Under it she wore a white blouse, cerulean blue skorts and white small heeled boots that reached her knees.

“That’s strange. Those are students not examiners,” Junine observed.

Midori and Jackie looked at each other confused at the obvious fact that they were not fighting examiners, well at least not normal ones, especially when the two girls let out a vullaby and Larvesta. With a shrug the two examinees stepped up to their side. Pyrite and Ikusa stepped out in front as their choices. “I guess we make the first move then,” Jackie said before ordering a water gun. Pyrite fired a jet of water from its mouth at the Larvesta hitting it and knocking it back, however despite the fact that it was part fire type it seemed to do little damage. “What the!?”

“Use string shot,” the red head commanded her Larvesta calmly. Said pokémon fired silk from its abdomen at the water type. However the attack completely missed Pyrite much to everyone’s shock as did the other shots.

Midori meanwhile started the other side off with a shadow ball from its mouth at the dark type. “Knock it back with gust!” the lavender haired girl ordered. The vullaby flapped its tiny wings creating a large amount of wind that pushed the shadow ball back at Ikusa. While the ghost type move did not harm the normal type, the winds from gust pushed him off of the ground and into the air only to crash back down.

“Quick attack Ikusa,” Midori called out. The eevee ran at dark flying type with a trail of white behind him.

“Air slash,” the other trainer countered. Vullaby fired blades of air from it wings at the normal type. Ikusa dodged them as he ran at his target striking it with his attack. The girl smiled as he hit and ordered another attack, “Dark pulse.” Vullaby released a purple-black aura from its body knocking Ikusa high into the air.

Meanwhile with Jackie as Pyrite dodged the string shots that were no actually not missing anymore, he got stuck and could not dodge as he was wrapped in silk. “How?” he asked himself looking at the field. “So that’s why. She missed us on purpose to cover the area in silk. Pyrite is nothing more than a caterpie in an ariados’ web right now. We have to get out of this,” he said to himself flinching as he saw Ikusa crash into Pyrite from the dark pulse.

“Ember,” the red head stated calmly. Breathing little balls of fire from its mouth the Larvesta lit a thread on fire that was near it. The thread burned quickly leading to Pyrite and Ikusa causing both of them to become engulfed in flames.

“Use aqua jet to put out the flames,” Jacked called out. The golden buizel surrounded itself and Ikusa in water from its body allowing it to put out the flames that were surrounding them. Once the fire was gone both were weak from the attacks and the threads were gone as well.

The red headed girl didn’t give them much time to recover as she ordered a flame wheel from her fire bug. The fire bug surrounded itself in flames from her body much like buizel had done with water. She then began spinning towards the normal and water type.

“Aerial ace,” the other girl called out with her vullaby launching into the air and flying towards them as well.

Midori and Jackie looked at each other and then their pokémon thinking of what they could do before an idea struck them. “Swift!” the two called out. Pyrite started releasing golden stars from its tail while Ikusa released them from its mouth. The two then span and created a wall of stars which worked as a form of protection from the two oncoming attacks.

The two and their pokémon smiled at their successful teamwork only to lose them almost immediately. As soon as the wall of stars dissipated the examinee pokémon were hit by and air slash and ember combo knocking them unconscious and thus ending the battle for Jackie and Midori.

---

“They failed,” Sicilia said preparing to tell them before hearing the laptop beeped again.

“Not quite. Considering they fought students and not examiners the standards are different. We want them and remember: in the end it’s our choice, Sicilia,” the second male voice spoke up again.

With a sigh Sicilia stood up and looked at the two as they ran over to their pokémon to make sure they were okay. “You two passed,” she said with obvious distaste at the fact.

Midori and Jackie smiled brightly at the news giving each other a high five.

Junine and Robin smiled as they heard Sicilia announce the news about the two. “In the end it seems they were lucky,” Junine commented to which Robin nodded his head in agreement.

---

~~~~A Few Days Later~~~~​

The group after a few days had to board a ship to go to the island the school was located on. Jackie at this moment was looking for the room door that contained his name. Inside the rooms were a bunk bed and two uniforms hanging with names on them. The uniform with their names marked their dorm and rank and were found in the room with their name on the door.

After looking at several doors he found one with two names. J. Anima and J. Akatsuki

At the sight of another J name he immediately thought of Julian. Shaking his head he laughed to himself. “Can’t be that guy right Pyrite?” he said to his partner. As luck would not have it, Jackie saw Julian walking down the hall looking for his room. He ended up stopping at the same door as Jackie.

After looking between the door and Jackie a few times he spoke. “Why am I stuck with you,” he said rather than asked with distaste.

With sighs the two entered the room and looked at their uniforms hanging. Julian’s was the same jacket as the red headed girl wore while Jackie’s was like the lavender girl’s in style. It differentiated as it was red with white seams and a fire emblem. A not on the uniforms stated for students to change into them and to wear them till arrival at the island. Once changing the students discovered that on the back of the longer uniforms were feather prints like those of Ho-oh while the shorter ones had Lugia feather prints. These prints represented the student’ ranks in addition to the length of the coats.

Once changing the two walked out of the room and out towards the deck of the ship.

---

Robin entered his room on the ship to see a boy waiting there. “Ah you must be my roommate for the ship. I’m October,” the boy introduced himself with a kind smile.

“I’m Robin,” Robin returned the greeting. After introductions the two looked at their uniforms. Robin’s was the same as the lavender haired girl that Jackie and Midori had battled meaning he was Raikou Yellow Lugia Rank. October on the other hand was marked as Entei Red Lugia Rank. Once changing the two headed out towards the deck as well. Robin notably had a slightly larger jacket than most as he had given an incorrect size. October’s was normal sized however and matched his outfit well. He had messy light brown hair and orange eyes. He wore a white shirt under his uniform coat, red pants and red sneakers.

---

Midori had had no such luck with her roommate as her roommate had been a pink haired girl with her hair pinned up thus hiding the length, and brown eyes. The girl had been marked as Ho-oh Rank in the Raikou Dorm so her coat reached her knees in length and had Ho-oh feathers on the back. Not to mention the girl was wearing high heeled black shoes, a white mini-skirt and black halter under the jacket. She had kept complaining about getting stuck in Raikou and how at least they got her rank right. She also complained about getting stuck with Midori. Midori had spent the whole time changing into her Raikou Dorm Lugia Rank outfit annoyed and stuck listening to the girl. Once changed she had gotten out of the room as fast as she could.

---

“Such a horrible color,” Junine said to herself examining the sleeve covering her left arm with her right hand until she saw Midori walking on to the deck. Straightening from her position of leaning against the tip railing she put on a smile before calling to the other girl. Upon seeing her the other girl ran up with a smile. “Looks like we’re the same rank except you got the luck of being yellow,” Junine commented once Midori made it over to her.

“What-” Midori started to say only to be interrupted by a familiar voice. The girls looked behind Midori to see Robin walking towards them waving. Walking beside him was October and his smeargle. Much like Robin, Midori had Ikusa beside her. Once the two boys reached the girls the two pokémon greeted each other.

“Looks like we’re together Midori,” Robin noted upon seeing her uniform.

“Yeah. It’ll be fun. I wonder though what Jackie got,” she replied to him. As if on cue the group saw Jackie walk onto the deck with Julian, the two arguing about something though they assumed it was probably nothing. They didn’t even notice the group as they walked right into the railing. Luckily for them the two were short enough that walking into the railing couldn’t cause them to fall off of the ship and into the waters below.

“Well nice to see you two too. Glad we’ll be together along with this lovely boy here,” Junine commented with sarcasm dripping from her voice, the second part directed at Jackie.

October, who had been staring at Junine since the moment he saw her finding her to beautiful , face went red at her comment about him.

“Junine, Robin, Midori. Nice to see you again and its awesome! Looks like we got split up evenly.” Jackie smiled brightly while the three just sighed.

Julian hmphed while fixing his glasses that had fallen out of order due to his crash with the railing.

“Um Junine I wanted to as-” Midori started to speak only to be interrupted again as the ship suddenly stopped.

ATTENTION DEAR STUDENTS. THIS IS NOT YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. WE ARE HIJACKERS THOUGH DO NOT WORRY AS NO ONE WILL BE HARMED IF ONE OF YOU WILLINGLY GIVES UP THE POKEMON WE WANT FROM YOU. AND EVEN IF YOU DON’T WELL WE’LL BE TAKING IT BY FORCE THEN. BYE BYE.

“Whose pokémon do they want?” Julian questioned only to be answered as a helicopter flew over the group and fired some kind of mechanism from a gun at Pyrite. The mechanism grabbed the golden buizel and shocked him as it lifted him up to the men in the helicopter. In the helicopter were several men all of them wearing masks.

“Pyrite!” Jackie yelled out as his partner screamed in pain.

“Now you will let us leave quietly or we shock him again,” one of the men said as they started to leave.

Jackie ran and jumped grabbing onto the helicopter and holding on. His eyes showed pure anger and hatred towards the men as he spoke. “Screw that. I won’t let you have him. No one can have him. No one but me. He’s mine, he chose me,” he growled at the men.

“Tch brat,” one of the men said before poking Jackie with a stick that shocked the boy until he let go screaming in pain.

As Jackie fell towards the water he was suddenly wrapped in green vines right before he would have hit. “Just in time,” Junine breathed a sigh of relief, an ivysaur by her lifting Jackie back on to the boat.

The men then turned to leave again only to find themselves stuck. Wrapped onto the landing skids were other vines this time coming from Van Gogh. “How the hell can a smeargle use vine whip?” one of the men asked.

“Sketch,” Robin answered simply as he, Midori, October and even Julian held onto the vines coming from Van Gogh’s tail.

“That’s it.” The annoyed man pulled out a remote and pressed the button on it with the intention of shocking Pyrite however much to his surprise it failed. He looked over at the golden buizel to see that a rotom was eating the electricity. The other men with him were just as shocked at the scene and due to none of them paying attention they missed seeing Ikusa release a swift attack that broke the band on Pyrite. “N-no way!”

“Pyrite use aqua jet!” Jackie commanded. As his trainer said the buizel surrounded itself with water from its body in midair allowing for him to land back on the ship.

With smiles on their faces the young trainers commanded different attacks of their pokémon aimed at the helicopter blades. “Water gun!” “Flamethrower!” “Swift!” “Thunderbolt!” The four attacks combined into a giant one as they went towards the blades. The helicopter moved to the side enough to only lose a single blade and manage to fly away somehow.

Julian, Jackie, Midori and Robin smiled at each other before Julian realized what he was doing and turned his head acting as though it was no big deal especially when Jackie started thanking them all. When turning his head his attention went towards Junine who had her hand on a pokéball on her waist. In total he saw five friend balls and a normal pokéball with a leaf symbol on it that he assumed ivysaur came from as that was the kind of ball starters were in if received from a professor. Professors only gave pokémon to those just starting out on journeys, and the academy did not allow those who had travelled in the academy to join it as it was for those thinking of traveling after the academy. Not to mention a first year should not have six pokémon and are actually limited to three upon entering.

“The man on the intercom…the time between him speaking and the helicopter arriving is too short. He could not have gotten on in that time frame so then does that mean he-” Junine started speaking to herself quiet enough for no one to hear until she was interrupted by Midori calling her name. “What is it?” she asked curiously.

“You said earlier that I was lucky I got Raikou Yellow and I remember my roommate complaining about it too so does what dorm you’re in actually mean something?” she asked the other girl.

“Hmm. I wonder,” Junine teased them much to the annoyance of Midori and the laughter of everyone else as they enjoyed their time on the ship that started moving again.

A few days later the group was at the front of the ship again as they looked at the island they were arriving at. “There it is. Tower Academy. Guys here we start our journey towards becoming trainers.” The group nodded their heads in agreement at Jackie’s words as the ship got closer to the island for the start of their new lives as students.

---

Extra Story: Time on the Boat After the Helicopter​

It was after the incident with the men on the first day when the group was relaxing on deck as usual that they heard it. One of the chefs were yelling some very bad words as he came out on deck chasing an…orange oven? They immediately turned towards Julian who was sitting away from them reading a book.

“Julian that’s a rotom. You have a rotom so is that-” Junine started to question only to get cut off by Julian.

“No. Not mine. Mine is trained and well behaved. I don’t know that one at all. Nope not at all. Mine stays in its pokéball except for battles.” Even though he denied it multiple times in one saying, the group could tell it was his even if he refused to admit so. They all looked at him with sweat drop looks while in the background the tides had turned for the chef since Julian’s rotom rather than being chased had turned around and started chasing the chef, fire coming from it as it did so. "Definitely not mine," Julian burrowed his head further into his book.

Spoiler

 

[Flaze]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Well as a fellow academy fic writer I have to say I actually liked this first chapter a lot. I like the way you laid out the academy and the dorms, you're not the first one to use colors but the idea of rankings is new and I expect to see how you exploit it.

In regards to grammar you had a few typos here and there but they were very rare and they were also hard to notice; plus as I said to you before, it's something that happens to everyone. You had good amount of description, though my only advice would be to kind of put more feeling into it, at time it feels like you're listing information, so try and make the descriptions more unique and put more feeling to it to really show how good they can be.

It seems you decided to introduce most of the cast from the get go which is a good strategy, though because of this there wasn't really anyone that really stood out in the chapter aside from Jackie, Midori and Junine oh and Julian too, who I particularly like honestly. I'm curious as to how their personalities will turn out later on in the story.

One thing that did surprise me was the sudden attack to the ship, I felt that it was a bit...thrown in in a way, mostly cause it came kind of suddenly and it was also resolved pretty quickly. Remember to focus on the pace of the story and when you're going to do something remember to think about how it'll influence the pace that you've established.

 

[Midorikawa]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Well as a fellow academy fic writer I have to say I actually liked this first chapter a lot. I like the way you laid out the academy and the dorms, you're not the first one to use colors but the idea of rankings is new and I expect to see how you exploit it.

Thank you. I'll try to do it well.

In regards to grammar you had a few typos here and there but they were very rare and they were also hard to notice; plus as I said to you before, it's something that happens to everyone. You had good amount of description, though my only advice would be to kind of put more feeling into it, at time it feels like you're listing information, so try and make the descriptions more unique and put more feeling to it to really show how good they can be.

I'll try...any advice on how to do that ^^;

It seems you decided to introduce most of the cast from the get go which is a good strategy, though because of this there wasn't really anyone that really stood out in the chapter aside from Jackie, Midori and Junine oh and Julian too, who I particularly like honestly. I'm curious as to how their personalities will turn out later on in the story.

Actually its not most of the cast but is about half the main important characters.

One thing that did surprise me was the sudden attack to the ship, I felt that it was a bit...thrown in in a way, mostly cause it came kind of suddenly and it was also resolved pretty quickly. Remember to focus on the pace of the story and when you're going to do something remember to think about how it'll influence the pace that you've established.

I know the attack seems odd but has a large purpose as it relates to some important things in the story.

 

[Flaze]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Well unfortunately there isn't really something I can say to help in regards to the description thing xD; it's taken me a while myself and I still have trouble with handling telling and showing. I think it's just one of those things that grow as you keep writing, eventually one starts to learn when they should tell and when they should show. One hint I can give is that normally when you describe appearances and clothes and such are times you can tell since there's no reason to stick around, but when the plot really gets going and things start happening that's when you have to start and think mroe about what you're describing.

 

[kintsugi]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

As a general warning, I'm not a pro at Academy Anythings like Flaze is, so if I'm like "HEY DO THIS DO THAT," and it sounds stupid, you probably shouldn't do this do that words what words this sentence wat.

Anyway. I like the house systems, even though it's a bit reminiscent of GRYFFINDORHUFFLEPUFFSLYTHERINRAVENCLAW (I mean, sort of, but I'm bound to think of that any time there is a house system now, so hey). For the purpose of this review, I'm going to do a quick recap of my understanding of the house system so that in case I misinterpreted something, you can see where I go wrong:

1. Suicune/Blue-- calm, good students, academic Ravenclaws
2. Entei/Red--hot-headed, bad students, jocks Gryffindor
3. Raikou/Yellow--mix of both
And then ranking:
1. Ho-oh--good at stuff that matters in this universe (ie academics, battling)
2. Lugia--not good at stuff that matters in this universe (ie... um... baking? Cats?)

I mean, as someone who doesn't run a school or anything, my word isn't law, but I can't really see why anyone would make houses where the division is "if you're really smart, here; if you're less smart, here; if you're dumb, here." If anything, that would encourage students to form cliques and only talk to kids like them, meaning no personal growth or branching out, meaning that the kids don't actually grow as people because everyone they're living with has the exact same personality as them. The house systems in Harry Potter were pretty silly in that regard as well (here, we'll put all of the evil people in this house and then teach them just like we teach everyone else and hope they don't kill us later!), and what if you have a hot-headed kid who's really smart or a calm, lazy student who has a passion for football? I know that you used the word generally/typically/normally, but I don't think many students could be defined as Suicune/Entei, and then you'd just have to funnel all of your kids into Raikou.

I mean, all of this is semantics. The house system works okay, and you have to find some way of dividing up the kids, so if you want Suicune/Entei/Raikou, you can do that?
I was more confused, however, on the Ho-oh/Lugia ranking. If Ho-oh is good at stuff and Lugia is not, what's the point of a Lugia rank at all? You can just say that these kids are top rank and call it a day. It seems unnecessarily cruel to create a rank for the sole purpose of giving it to students who are mediocre at what they do. ._.

ENOUGH WITH THE NITPICKING ABOUT WORLDBUILDING ISSUES THAT PROBABLY DON'T BOTHER ANYONE BESIDES ME.

I agree with Flaze when it comes to the mechanical description stuff, though. Take Junine's introduction, for instance:

“Let me explain to you then,” another female voice said. This time it came from a girl taller than the four as the four of them were all short in height reaching 5’2’’ to 5’3’’ while the girl reached around 5’7’’. She had long white hair that reached just past her waist with a layer like look to it. Her eyes were violet in color and her skin was deathly pale. For clothing she wore black shorts, and a long sleeved black shirt as well as black sneakers. Around her neck hung a gold reshiram shaped locket.

It's like "AH GOD ALL OF THIS INFORMATION IT'S JUST POURING INTO MY FACE."

Think about your thought process when you meet someone for the first time and are thrown into quick conversation with them. Typically, you'll be so wrapped up in trying not to sound like an idiot in your early conversation that you won't even process full details of their appearance (scientific facts, yo). You'll get a couple of brief snippets--oh, brown hair, nose shaped sort of like this, maybe they have really, really bright green eyes or something--but if you're focusing on them long enough to realize, hey, she's five foot seven and three quarters inches and there's a ketchup stain on her left sleeve, you're probably doing a bad job at talking.

You could probably treat your introductions in the same way. If every introduction is a blow-by-blow of your character's every visible detail, it's going to jolt us out of the story--I got the impression that I was reading a character sheet rather than a chapter, and then I had to get back into my story-reading mindset and blah blah blah. Try to be judicial with your description--not sparse, not overwhelming, but somewhere between. Pick out the most visible details that'll define your characters and get them out first--perhaps Junine's piercing violet eyes, or her odd height. You can throw in the rest of your descriptions throughout the text; think of it how you'll know your friend for three years and then suddenly you'll notice that, hey, they've got a mole on their ear in the shape of Mickey Mouse or whatever.

Quick note on grammar/commas/gross stuff:

“Flamethrower slugma!”

Without a comma, this basically reads as "flamethrower [on the] slugma." Which is not what you meant. You need a comma there, so it looks like this:

"Flamethrower, slugma!"

Silly, really, but

Spoiler

I think that this chapter might've tried to do a little too much, as well. It was all very well done, but we have an introduction to half the main cast, several battles, an attack on the helicopter, a welcome to our academy world blurb, and a bunch of other stuff all in chapter one. If you felt so inclined, you could probably stretch all of that into, like, four or five chapters (not could, as in, make it longer more profits bwahaha, but more of a "it really could fit that way if you described things more"?). We get a ton of description on the characters and some of the pokemon (FINALLY. SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CAPITALIZE POKEMON CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG ^^), but that's basically it. What does Tower Academy look like? How does Jamie feel when x happens? Etc etc.

Anway, despite the wall of mostly negative-sounding stuff that I just typed up, I liked this first chapter quite a lot. It drew me in and was quite interesting, and I'd like to see more of it. I just like to criticize rather than praise, grumble grumble?

 

[Midorikawa]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

@kintsugi; Thank you so much especially on how I should describe my characters. I will try that definitely. As for the houses I was not thinking harry potter at all. I just thought fire=rash and destructive while water=calm, etc. However as you will see in future chapters that not all characters match that general set. The ranks have a purpose and the reason they are named will also be explained as well. I will also keep a better look out for needed commas so no grandmas get eaten.

 

[Midorikawa]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Okay done with chapter 2 so here it is. And I know there was no academy description last chapter, but that’s because I saved it for this chapter. Also some insight into the ranks perks. This chapter is a lot of description of inanimate objects, just as a fair warning, and its slice of life genre I guess. Well anyways enjoy.

Chapter 2: A talking Mightyena and a kind Charizard!

Sicilia stood waiting at the dock as the academy’s ship pulled into it. Students filed off of the ship, stopping as they saw their teacher. Once everyone was off or at least what seemed to be everyone, Sicilia spoke loudly and clearly towards the first years. “I am Sicilia Ilia, your teacher for coordinating. I am also the one that you will be following to the main hall where you will be attending your first assembly here at Tower Academy. Now follow me.” Once she was finished speaking she turned on her heels, her short black hair swinging behind her as she walked towards the direction they were to head.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later. I want to ask her something,” Junine told her new friends as she ran to catch up with their teacher.

“What could she need to talk to the teacher about when we haven’t even started classes yet or been shown our dorms,” Julian observed coming up behind Jackie, Robin, Midori, and October.

“Maybe Junine aspires to be a coordinator. I bet she would be amazing at it, not to mention she would look beautiful in a dress,” October commented, his face taking a red blush on as he thought about Junine in a strapless white gown and heels.

The group sweatdropped at the Entei Red, with the exception of Julian who was annoyed at the fact that they seemed to agree more with October than him. With an annoyed hmphed he walked away from the group and ended up next to some other blues.

“I’ll never understand that guy,” Midori shook her head at the red head, her eevee nodding its own head in agreement.

Once arriving at the school building the students finally got a good look at it as their earlier view from the ship had been hindered by trees. The school was large with the outside made of strong material for when students battled. For the most part it was one floor, though the floor was in between two different towers. One tower seemed as though it had been burned badly while the other one seemed newer and while it looked like the other one, it was obvious how it was designed with traditional Japanese style roofs and walls.

“Cave. We’re going into a cave,” the group suddenly heard Robin. Looking back at the school they see he was right. The center’s roof was dome like in structure with black and grey being the front of the walls giving the illusion of a cave. To add on to the illusion it seemed as though something was staring at them from the cave, while the non-burned tower had the illusion of something flying over it or landing on it.

“No dallying!” the students were scolded by the amber eyed teacher, a glare on her face directed at Jackie and Midori was present as well.

Jackie gulped at the teacher’s stare as they continued following her. “I get the feeling she doesn’t like us very much.”

Midori put her hand to her chin with the other on her elbow in though. “It is strange. From the exam she’s been against the two of us attending here. It really makes no sense.”

“There’s always reason,” Robin stated matter of factly, however instead of helping the others understand they just stared at him confused. “Waterfall.”

Again they looked at the sight before them as they walked into the building’s main hall. The place was roundish in shape and if one looked up the ceiling could not be seen as it was dark, or painted black. Along the walls were benches attached to the walls in their shape, and towards the back was a desk with a nurse standing at it. The walls and even the desk and benches were designed to look like a waterfall in cave. Like outside there seemed to be a creature looking at them, though this time it was from through the waterfall.

Sicilia led them to a hallway on the right of the dome shape, leading them past classrooms and walls that instantly reminded the students of Ho-oh. There were several other hallways connected to the hallway as well however they continued straight until they arrived at two double doors that were equal space from each other. One door had a picture of Ho-oh painted on it and the other had Lugia painted on it.

Sicilia lead them through the two doors where they found a lecture hall type of room that was large enough to fit the whole student body inside of it with plenty of extra room. “Sit by the front,” Sicilia announced walking down a set of stairs and on to what seemed to be a battle stage.

As the group of friends walked down they ended up next to Julian much to his chagrin. They were also joined by Junine which resulted in the following order: Julian Midori, Robin, October, Jackie and Junine.

“It’s amazing that this place goes underground,” October commented looking at the room seeing it was shaped like the tower with colors of gold and silver all around.

“Actually that’s wrong. You didn’t realize it but this spans a few floors of that tower. The rooms above it are where teachers stay and where offices are. There are stairs by two doors that are down by the stage there,” Junine corrected the orange eyed boy.

Midori looked at Junine confused by how she knew so much and even went to the point of asking. “Junine how do you know all that?”

“Hmm. I wonder.”

“The ceiling became black,” Robin commented before anyone could complain about Junine.

The group look at him confused before Jackie spoke up to correct him. “I’m not the brightest Robin or the most observant, but I do know that ceiling stayed black the whole time and didn’t change color.”

Robin just shook his head in a no fashion at Jackie which worked for Junine to understand the meaning. “He means that at first the ceiling was dark not black. We couldn’t see the color before since the lights are in the walls and floor. However as we walked the ceiling went from invisible to visible and it was revealed to be painted black. It looked black because darkness seems black but in the end darkness is darkness and black is black.”

“Right!” Robin cheered at Junine’s reply.

At the moment they heard a speaker system and looked to the stage to see that five people joined Sicilia on it. One was a man with long red hair, one with short lavender hair, one with long black hair, one with short grey hair and an elderly woman with grey hair in a bun.

The elderly woman was the first of the five to speak, speaking loudly and clearly. “I am Ms. P, your headmaster. For starters I would like to welcome you all to Tower Academy where we will teach you what you need to know about the world of pokémon to decide on your path after graduation. Now the point of this assembly is to tell you about the school but first some of the others want to speak.” Once finished Ms. P stepped back, her long sleeved blue dress undisturbed by her movements, while the grey haired man stepped up next wearing a simple suit.

“I am Johnson Robinson, but just call me Robinson. I am the vice head master and help Ms. P out with her job as headmaster. Now I believe you all remember the instructions sent to you before entering,” this received several nods from students. “And you remember talk of the dragons cave and mountain and such,” more nods. “Good. However we have on good authority that several of you think you’re already at the level to go to the banned places, so we decided to test this.”

Once Robinson finished speaking, the red haired teacher walked up and called out names of students who Jackie and friends actually recognized as the students had bragged about being strong and having their parents’ pokémon. “Since all of you think you’re so strong, you should have no problem defeating one of your senior’s pokémon together as a team. So then, Junine,” the red headed teacher said looking directly at the albino.

“Is there a reason that you’re staring at me?” she asked as a reply.

“Hmm. I wonder.” This caught the attention of Jackie’s group as they recognized the tone and wording as exactly the same thing that Junine always did. And judging by the glare she was giving the now smirking teacher, she did not like him using it. “It’s extra credit and I know you could certainly use that. Also I doubt you want to stay in that color,” he continued, causing her to glare at him even more.

“That’s-” Sicilia started only to get cut off by the teacher.

“Sicilia I don’t believe she’s anything more than your student, and thus it’s not your decision.” This comment earned a glare from the male black haired teacher though it was one that was unseen by everyone minus a few. “Now Junine.”

With annoyance apparent, Junine rose from her seat and walked down to the stadium while removing her jacket. Once down she took it off and tossed it in the teacher’s face while taking from his outstretched hand, a blue jacket that the students didn’t realize he was holding until that moment. Putting on the blue jacket, something green hopped from behind her hair and onto the ground. The green thing was revealed to be a snivy walking on all fours as it and Junine stood on the opposite side of the field from the first years. “Let me reintroduce myself first. I am Junine Ikadoshi. I am a second year in the Suicune Blue dorm, Ho-oh rank and this is Emerald my partner. If you guys here on the field can defeat Emerald then you will be strong enough for places like the Dragon’s Cave.”

“Another rule is you may use any pokémon except fire types. The reason why is none of your business,” Sicilia ordered the first years as those watching watched anxiously.

Those that had type advantages over grass types chose them as their partners. Those that didn’t chose pokémon not weak to grass types meaning a tough battle under normal circumstances. “You guys make the first move,” Junine told them, her voice indicating annoyance. The group yelled at attacks all aimed right for Emerald and hitting the exact spot where he stood, creating an explosion that blew Junine’s hair and jacket tail like she was standing in a hurricane. Despite the explosion she stood calmly as the smoke cleared a little allowing everyone to see that Emerald was not there but instead if one looked up, they could see him in the air from dodging the attack. “Leaf blade,” Junine commanded calmly before leaving the field and starting up the stairs.

“Hey you can’t just leave in the middle of a battle like that,” one of the boys, a Ho-oh ranked Raikou yelled. Junine simply ignored him while Emerald landed gracefully on the field staring at the trainers. The trainers prepared to order another attack but before any could, they saw Emerald disappear, followed by a green light zigzagging through their pokémon. Emerald reappeared behind the pokémon; his tail leaves fading from a glowing green as all the pokémon fainted. He then ran and jumped onto Junine’s shoulder as she left the auditorium with the first years all shocked.

Sicilia with a final glare at the red headed teacher walked out through the same way as Junine, attempting to catch up to the student.

“Junine is a coordinator expert and rarely battles. Her pokémon just reached the level of those in the banned areas. So tell me do you still think you can handle them?” The students silently returned their pokémon and went back to their seats as the assembly continued on. Once it was over the students were to follow the teachers out, who it turned out were dorm heads and the only teachers to live in dorms and eat with students. Suicune Blue left first following the red head teacher. Raikou Yellow was next following the lavender haired teacher. Finally was Entei Red following the black haired teacher. Jackie and October ended up walking right by the teacher, allowing the two to get a good look at his golden brown eyes and see that his hair reached to about mid back. His outfit to them didn’t mean much since him and the other two teachers had been wearing a white button up with black slacks and shoes which they assumed was the dress code for male teachers. What most caught their eyes was a black strap on his head though his hair made it difficult to see, especially with it covering his right side of his face.

“I lost my right eye and ear years ago, so I wear an eye patch now. There’s also scarring so my hair allows that to be hidden,” he said with an accent like that of our Romania.

The two Entei Red boys blushed in embarrassment as they got caught staring at the teacher. “We’re sorry!” they yelled hoping that he wouldn’t be too mad.

The man chuckled at their antics before speaking again. “Don’t worry about it. People do it all the time so I’m used to it. Oh that’s right I never gave you my name,” he told them before stopping and turning to face the first years. “My name is Kuro Wolf, but all of you just call me Kuro!” he announced loudly to them before continuing to walk forward towards the dorm.

Once arriving at the dorm they saw that it was painted in the colors of Entei and was a two story building. The paint though was peeling and the place looked like it hadn’t been taken care of properly, which was confirmed as the students entered through double doors with Entei on them. The inside like the outside was peeling in paint the colors of Entei. Walls looked rundown, and as did the ceiling. Inside were two hallways, two sets of stairs leading to the second floor and another set of double doors that had a wooden Entei carved into them. On the second floor above the area of the double doors was another door, likewise with an Entei carved into it. Also in the room were some worn out couches and armchairs. There was even an old TV on a stand and some board games on a two level table.

“The hallway to the left is the boys’ rooms. Your names will be on your doors. The right is the girls’ rooms. Same as the boys for your doors. At the end of each hallway are the bathrooms. Bathrooms include showers, toilets and urinals for the guys. You may not enter the opposite gender’s bathroom without special permission from a teacher. Your rooms are all on the first floor. Through the double doors is the dining hall. Dinner will be in an hour so go settle in now. My room is on the second floor right above the dining hall where the other Entei carved door is.” After explaining the dorms to the new students, Kuro went into his room until dinner.

Jackie and October walked down the hallway searching for their rooms. Students ended up in rooms of two to three, however Jackie and October found both their names on one door without any other name, meaning they were roommates with just each other. The two smiled at each other as they entered the room and spent the next hour settling in.

Upon entering the dining hall they noticed it was painted like all other rooms. For seating they had old wooden tables with matching chairs. Dinner was served at a counter by a woman who students were lined up in front of. The two boys shrugged and walked over to the line to receive their food.

“Eh! Is this really what we get to eat!?” a first year yelled while looking at his dinner that consisted of a common, cheap sea creature, rice, and chocolate pudding.

“Food is food,” Kuro stated matter of factly, sitting at a table already eating his food.

“Food is not food! Not to mention this dorm is falling apart. Why!?”

“Actually I was curious about what is on the second floor of the dorm?” October questioned.

“Oh that? The second floor is fewer rooms since they are comfortable, for one person, and each have their own bathroom. They are reserved for Ho-oh ranked students. However the condition of the dorm depends on how well students do after the academy and in it. The better the results, the better the condition of the dorm as well as things like food. Entei Red produces the worst results and thus, well you can see for yourself.” Kuro swept his arm around the room to make his point as he said the last line.

“I see,” October said simply while sitting down with the teacher and Jackie.

“So Ho-oh ranked get better rooms…though I haven’t seen any red ones,” Jackie noticed as he looked around the dorm.

“That’s because we have two in the whole dorm and they aren’t here yet.”

“Come now Kuro. Who isn’t here yet?” a loud voice rang throughout the room.

“IT’S A TALKING MIGHTYENA!” several first years yelled at the voice’s owner.

“I AM NOT!” he yelled back at them causing the students to shrink in fear while the second and third years laughed.

Jackie and October blinked a few times just to make sure they were staring at a human due to him having some of the strangest hair they had ever seen. The boy was tall as was with his hair reaching his waist; however it was obviously wet as though he just came from the shower. Despite it being wet, the hair was spiky all along it as though a mightyena was raising its hackles. The more they stared the more shocked they were by his appearance. Not only was the hair outrageous but his eyes were as red as fresh blood and as he yelled they got a gander on his canines that were sharp like a mightyena. How could he blame anyone for mistaking him for the dark type pokémon?

“‘How could he blame anyone for mistaking him for the dark type pokémon?’ That’s what you’re thinking right?” a voice said behind October and Jackie. The two boys literally jumped out of their seats at the voice to see the tallest person in the academy yet with charizard orange hair that was just long enough to be called long as it reached his shoulders, the style covering his left orange-red eye. “Sorry didn’t mean to scare you like that. I’m Vrasilisk Draco, one of the two Ho-oh ranks in this dorm. I’m a third year. I never understood why others tend to be more afraid of me than Kaori when his outfits always contain black shirt, black jeans, and those combat boots of his as opposed to my choosing of white shirt, black slacks, and simple black Dockers,” he sighed shaking his head.

“What are you talking about? It sounds like you’re an author’s new method of describing character clothes,” Kaori commented as he sat down at the same table as Jackie and October. “I’m Kaori Ballista, a second year, and this,” he started pausing to toss a piece of fish into the air which a mightyena came from nowhere and caught, “is Blitzkrieg, my partner. Now what are your names shiny boy?”

“I’m Jackie Anima and Pyrite is my partner.”

“October Judashan.” Upon saying his last name, October had several older students look at him curiously, making the boy feel uncomfortable.

“Yeah, yeah, he has my last name. That’s because he’s my wonderful younger brother that will give me his pudding,” a boy with pulled back blonde hair and brown eyes, said taking October’s pudding and eating it.

“Eddie! Come on. You could have at least tried the decency of asking me first,” October whined at his brother.

“I called you wonderful didn’t I?”

“You only called me that to steal it.”

“Now now, here October.” Vrasilisk handed the pumpkin eyed boy a pudding as he sat down next to Jackie and opposite to Kuro. “We Ho-oh’s and Kuro get twice as much as everyone else so I always have an extra for when Eddie decides to act like that.
A slight blush of admiration crossed October’s face as Vrasilisk spoke. Smiling he looked at the senior boy. “Thank you so much Vrasilisk!”

“It was my pleasure,” Vrasilisk replied with his own smile.

“No flirting at the dinner table,” Kuro commented.

“Eh!?” October yelled confused.

“Now now Kuro. October isn’t my type.”

“Eh!?”

“Come on you two. You’ll scare the boy right out of the school,” Kaori cut in as the Entei Red students laughed at the scene. Dinner continued with joking around and laughter until everyone finished and went to bed exhausted but happy from the enjoyable time.

“You know Pyrite. I like this dorm. Everyone is really friendly and has a good time together,” Jackie said to his partner.

“Bui bui,” Pyrite agreed as the two fell asleep for the first day of class the next day.

---

Extra Story: With the Suicune Blues for Dinner ​

Julian sat at one of the tables in the Suicune Blue dorm’s dining hall, alone poking his last thing left on his plate. Everyone around him had someone to talk to, even the first years, except for him. He sighed as he continued ignored, with no idea on what to do.

“Why aren’t you eating your apple pie? That’s the best part,” a familiar voice said from behind him. Turning around he saw that the voice belonged to none other than Junine, her head tilted to the side in a questioning manner.

“Um I don’t really feel like it.”

“Nonsense. Try it. You will fall in love with it. Come now,” she said while taking his fork and a piece and bringing it to the boy’s mouth, leaving him with no choice but to eat it. “Well?” she asked while he chewed and swallowed.

“It’s delicious!” he replied with a smile, earning a proud one from Junine.

“Good. Now I would love to stay and chat, seriously I would but someone owes me their apple pie.”

Julian watched with curiosity as Junine walked off towards their dorm head who was sitting down next to the red headed student Jackie had battle for his entrance. Without a care in the world, Julian saw Junine take the apple pie straight off of their head’s plate and walk out of the room with it.

“Junine Ikadoshi you little-get back here!” he yelled towards her, the irritation obvious in his voice.

“Those two are having a lover’s quarrel again it seems,” one Suicune blue student behind Julian commented to another.

“Yeah it seems so,” another replied.

’L-lover’s quarrel? That would mean that Junine and the dorm head are dating. A teacher dating a student that’s not yet a legal adult? What’s wrong with this school? I should have gone to the one that mom and dad suggested,’ Julian thought to himself, his face showing depression more than previously.

 

[Flaze]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

All right to start off this chapter felt short, but as you said the chapter itself was to introduce the school. Now I liked how you focused on describing the school itself as well as how the towers and the dorms looked. Now the thing that did jump at me was the fact that the chapter in itself felt like it was going too quick, normally one would want to end introduction chapters quickly but this one felt as if it was rushing a bit at certain points.

One of this moment was particularly at the end when you introduced the senior characters and the dorm itself, it felt as if things were going faster than usual and we didn't really get to have much of a look at their personalities, though I assume we'll be able to later on. The other thing was October's brother, it's just that it came kind of suddenly at least to me it felt like that, as if it was just something that appeared out of nowhere, I'm not saying it's bad I'm just saying that it would've been better to kind of give a bit of a hint before; though maybe you did and I just didn't catch it so in that case I apologize.

So my advice would be to kind of takes things a little easier, it might make your chapter longers or it might make writing it longer but remember that even if it's introduction chapters you shouldn't rush to it as they are important in itself.

 

[Midorikawa]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

All right to start off this chapter felt short, but as you said the chapter itself was to introduce the school.

I can't promise chapters that are the length that you write or that they will all be similar length. It depends on what happens in the chapter ^^;

Now I liked how you focused on describing the school itself as well as how the towers and the dorms looked. Now the thing that did jump at me was the fact that the chapter in itself felt like it was going too quick, normally one would want to end introduction chapters quickly but this one felt as if it was rushing a bit at certain points.

There was never meant to be much interaction in the chapter in the first place. I actually added more than originally planned. Also the dorm description was just the entei red dorm. I'll do the other two in different chapters as well as the half of the school they didn't see.

One of this moment was particularly at the end when you introduced the senior characters and the dorm itself, it felt as if things were going faster than usual and we didn't really get to have much of a look at their personalities, though I assume we'll be able to later on.

You'll get more of Kaori's in the next chapter and plenty after, as for Vrasilisk, it will be more gradually through the chapters.

The other thing was October's brother, it's just that it came kind of suddenly at least to me it felt like that, as if it was just something that appeared out of nowhere, I'm not saying it's bad I'm just saying that it would've been better to kind of give a bit of a hint before; though maybe you did and I just didn't catch it so in that case I apologize.

You're right actually ^^; I think I did intend to drop a hint but forgot about it :sweatlol: In good news they aren't super important characters compared to others.

So my advice would be to kind of takes things a little easier, it might make your chapter longers or it might make writing it longer but remember that even if it's introduction chapters you shouldn't rush to it as they are important in itself.

Alright thank you.

 

[Midorikawa]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Chapter 3, yay! Anyways sorry some is indented and some isn't. BMG and word didn't want to work together to copy this. Also sorry that there is no extra little story for this chapter. And I know the ending seems kind of rushed but that's just because there was nothing left at that point. Anyways first day so R&R ^^;

---

Chapter 3: First Day

“Ah those are the first years faces I love to see on the first day,” Kuro commented as the group of first years entered the Entei Red dining hall looking exhausted. Most of the first years minus a few just groaned in reply. About thirty minutes prior the new students had been awoken to Kuro banging on the walls and doors. “Come now. No whining and eat your breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day.” The group just groaned more as Kuro acted like a caring mother.

Jackie and October chuckled at their dorm mates as they grabbed their trays of toast, eggs, and bacon. Like the previous night they sat down at the same table as their dorm head where they were joined by Kaori and Vrasilisk. “You two sleep well last night?” Kaori asked a devilish smile across his face.

“I slept perfectly, thank you” Jackie said with a mouthful of food. Pyrite as per usual for Jackie sat outside a ball eating a bowl of pokémon food, nodded in agreement with his trainer.

“You did? The scratching didn’t annoy you?” October asked his roommate surprised.

“What scratching?”

“You will grow used to the scratching October. Jackie there is scratching inside of the walls. You hear it mostly at night when everyone is sleeping and the dorm is quiet,” Vrasilisk commented in the conversation. Jackie took note of the fact that as he spoke his speech was very proper and his voice had a unique tone of calm and gentleness.

Kuro was the one who spoke next once the third year had finished. “It’s probably rattata and other small pokémon living inside the walls. Just don’t knock any holes in the walls and you’ll be fine and by that I mean the whole dorm.”

“Okay,” the two boys nodded with serious expressions on their faces.

“Anyways time for schedules.” The one eyed teacher stood from his seat and walked to the front of the dining hall by a table with a lot of papers on it. The hall was noisy with chatter so no students paid attention until he slammed his hand down on the table making a loud banging noise resonate throughout the hall. “Listen up newbies! Here I have your schedules. For your first year here you will take basic classes and learn the basics in those classes. Next year you will choose a major and your classes will center around that major. Details of that will be provided towards the end of the year. Now the schedules you will receive have the times of classes and location. They will say L or R on them alongside the room number. The R stands for the side with the unpleasant looking tower connected to it that you entered for the assembly. The L is the side with the marvelous tower connected to it.”

At this point Vrasilisk stepped in front of him to cut off his explanation. “Before you all end up in the wrong class let me explain something. L is the part connected to the burned tower and R is the one connected to the non-burned one. I hope it is obvious that Kuro does not see the towers the same as most do. Now I will let him finish explaining,” he finished, sitting back down.

Kuro chuckled at him before continuing. “Rooms are numbered as L1, L2, R1, R2 etc. They have the same numbers but different letters. If you’re pokémon need healing then go to the pokémon center which you saw when you came in. It’s the center of the building for those of you that missed that. Both ends curve to connect to the cafeteria for lunch which is at the center towards the backside. Outside behind the school are fields for training though today you won’t have to worry about those today. Now come up here and find your schedule with your name on it.”

The reds including second and third years flocked to the table finding their schedules amongst the piles. Jackie looked down at his reading what it said:

Monday & Wednesday
Pokémon Studies->7:00-8:15AM=L35
Coordinating->8:20-9:35AM=R13
Breeding->9:40-10:55AM=R1
Battling->11:00AM-12:15PM=L2
Lunch->12:15-1:00PM=Cafeteria
Mathematics->1:05-2:20PM=R18
Science->2:25-3:40PM=R24

Tuesday & Thursday
History->7:00-8:15AM=R27
Gym->8:20-9:35AM=L5
Human Health->9:40-10:55AM=L6
Pokéatholon Training->11:00AM-12:15PM=R6
Lunch->12:15-1:00PM=Cafeteria
Pokémon Beauty->1:05-2:20PM=L10
English->2:25-3:40PM=R17

Friday
Ranger Studies->7:00-9:35AM=L21
Pokémon Health->9:40AM-12:15PM=R19
Lunch->12:15-1:00PM=Cafeteria
Wild Survival->1:05-3:40PM=L7​

“Well this is an interesting schedule,” Jackie said to himself. “October what’s your schedule?” Jackie asked. The two then compared schedules seeing the only classes they had together were Pokémon Studies, Human Health, and the Friday classes though those were the same for all the reds. The two exchanged small sad smiles at each other and shrugged.

As the first years talked and discussed their schedules they were approached by their seniors with Kaori as the leader. “Warning to all of you guys about certain teachers. Sicilia-listen to her and never be late for her classes. She’s really strict. Kuro-he’s cool most of the time but don’t start with him. Phoenix-don’t let him find out your secrets or you will regret it. Be careful around him with anything you do or say. Tanaka-The guy may seem like a dolt but he is actually dangerous. In other words behave yourselves in those four teachers’ classes.” The other seniors nodded their heads vigorously at Kaori’s words, the first years gulped in fear as a result of the many scared faces of their older classmates.

It was soon time for class and the students began entering the school for their classes. As they walked along the L hall they noticed that unlike the R hall, this one was painted to look as though one was running alongside the legendary beasts. They walked until they found their class at the end of the hall, right before the cafeteria. Entering they found it to be like a small lecture hall with lavender haired teacher standing at the front greeting students as they came in. “Jackie, October,” the two heard a feminine voice. Turning their heads they found Midori and Robin sitting down already with seats open on either side of the two Raikou students, their pokémon sat in their laps. Walking up the stairs Jackie sat down next to Midori, Pyrite sitting in his lap while October took the seat next to Robin as they waited for class to start.

“Welcome,” the teacher spoke up right on the dot. “My name is Tanaka as the Raikou’s already know but for those of you who aren’t Raikou’s this is your first time meeting me. I’m head of the Raikou Yellow dorm and for this class I will be teaching you Pokémon Studies.”

“Pokémon Studies! That means I’m in the wrong class, oh man!” the boy sitting next to Jackie yelled out as he ran out of the room.

“Anyways if you’re in the wrong class then head to yours and if not then well good. There is most likely still some who have yet to arrive here so I will save attendance for later.” Just as Tanaka had predicted there were some late students, one much to the surprise of Jackie’s group was Julian. The red head ran up the stairs looking for a seat. The other student who he had come in with took one open seat leaving only one other which was the now empty one next to Jackie, much too both boys chagrin.

“Well then I’m going to pass around the syllabus and we’ll go over it.” This incited some groans from the class. “Alright then since that doesn’t seem to excite you. This worked about two years ago so maybe it will help now. We’ll instead for fun spend the first class talking about the human mating process.” Several students started freaking out about this comment, begging him not to and to instead go with his original plan of going over the syllabus. “Okay then…” Tanaka said to himself as he started passing stacks of syllabi down the rows.

“I think that might be what the seniors were talking about,” October whispered to Jackie, to which the other boy nodded upon remembering the warnings they were given this morning.

When he passed by Julian the red head was able to notice his teacher’s features more clearly. His lavender hair was short cut in a common style, and his eyes were the same lavender as his hair. He again wore a long sleeved white button up, black slacks, and black shoes however now Julian could see that his shirt seemed to be ready to rip despite looking like it would fit him well. What Julian noticed the most, despite it not being his most obvious one, was that the teacher was not tall and seemed to be a little on the short side for an adult male.

“Why are you staring at our teacher so intently?” Jackie whispered to Julian causing him to jump and his face to take on a red tint of annoyance and embarrassment.

“I wasn’t you idiot.”

“No need to name call Mr. Grumpy.”

“Hypocrite.”

“Would you two behave and stop acting like children,” Midori scolded the two, annoyed by their fighting.

“Yes mother,” they grumbled in unison, earning them a glare from the girl.

Tanaka by then had finished handing out the syllabi and started going over it. Most of the class time was spent on this and after it was finished the young teacher took attendance. After attendance they had about ten minutes left of class. “Well then with ten minutes left I think I will let you guys go. Some of you may have Sicilia next and I doubt you want to be on her bad side,” he chuckled, releasing the students.

“See ya,” October said waving as he headed towards his next class.

“Bye,” Jackie replied pulling out his schedule. Next to him Julian did the same and then a moment later the two were being dragged by Midori who had grabbed their wrists.

“H-hey what are you doing!?” Julian stuttered in surprise, a slight blush across his face due to the opposite of genders.

“We all have the same classes together. Me, you two and Robin.”

“Yay together,” Robin cheered as they walked. On his shoulders were Ikusa and Van Gogh while Pyrite walked beside him, uncaring about the fact that his trainer was being dragged.

The four arrived at Coordinating which was taught by Sicilia. The room was large like the previous but only contained a small amount of desks and showed signs of being able to transform, thus one could infer that it was meant to become a contest stage at Sicilia’s command. She noticeably glared at Jackie and Midori much to the two’s confusion, however they figured it best to shrug it off.

“Good morning class. I am Sicilia Ilia,” several students snickered at the rhyming name, Sicilia just glared before continuing on her speech. “You are to call me Miss Ilia unless I say otherwise. I do not accept tardiness or horse play. There is more but first I will take attendance and then hand out a syllabus. I expect no complaints during this time.” As she had told them, she took attendance. Afterwards she handed out a syllabus and started going over it. She finished just as it was time for the next class, the students rushing from her class, fearful of the teacher.

“The seniors weren’t kidding,” Jackie muttered to himself remembering what he had been told that morning.

“What’s our next class Midori?” Julian asked her as they walked down the hall.

“Umm…” Midori pulled out her schedule reading it. “Breeding right here.” She stopped in front of room R1, the group entering it.

“That was odd. I didn’t think he knew any of our names yet he addressed Midori by hers,” Jackie whispered to Robin as they took seats in the room.

“Mmmmmmmmm, maybe he likes her,” the other boy replied looking towards the front. The room was a small classroom that was nice and cozy, perfect for an intimate lesson.

Class soon started, however they lacked one thing: their teacher. Five minutes late the teacher came into the room, the teacher being the red head from the previous day. “Sorry I had some printing troubles,” he explained as he started to walk around and hand out syllabi. “My name is Phoenix, just Phoenix and this class is breeding. Those of you in Suicune Blue know me already due to me being the head of Suicune of Blue.”

As he walked around the room, Robin caught his features more than the others. He was tall, the tallest Robin had ever seen minus one person he had seen taller. His red hair went a little ways past his waist and seemed like it wasn’t brushed as it had different pieces curled up, yet at the same time it seemed to be made of feathers. When he placed a syllabus on Robin’s desk the boy noticed that his eyes seemed to be like fire. His voice had a French accent to it, but not strong enough for it to be hard to understand his words.

Like the previous teachers he spent the class going over the syllabus and class soon ended with the group walking towards Battle class. “You know I expected him to be a jerk but he seemed surprisingly cool,” Jackie commented.

“Yeah especially with how he talked to Junine and Sicilia during the assembly yesterday,” Midori replied.

Julian spoke next in the group, thinking about his dinner with the teacher. “Some kids last night said this about him and Junine, and I quote: Those two are having a lover’s quarrel again it seems.”

Robin cocked his head to the side confused. “Wouldn’t that mean that Junine is an abusive relationship?” The other three looked at him shocked before noticing they had entered the room which was actually a large battlefield. Kuro stood in the center of the field, waiting for the students to enter.

“Welcome to battling. I already know all of you and have already take attendance. I am Kuro Wolf the battle teacher and head of Entei Red, but you can just call me Kuro. I like to get straight into things; however there are a few things. Don’t talk while I’m talking. Be respectful to me as I am your teacher. I don’t mind joking around, and the reds have seen this well enough. In other words don’t piss me off. You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

“Yes Mr. Hulk,” a Suicune blue Lugia student snickered. He had short black hair and a bulky figure.

“Hehehehe,” Kuro started laughing, his laugh gave chills to the group of four. “You apparently didn’t listen to me did you? Tell me would you rather me physically punish you or your pokémon or should I go with mentally? Your choice Tiron.”

“Does physically inflicting pain on my pokémon mean a battle because then I choose that,” the boy no known as Tiron walked across from Kuro and released a graveler.

“Fine then, just no crying.” Kuro tossed out a dusk ball releasing a sableye. The moment the ghost type appeared, most of the class gasped minus Midori who seemed unfazed, and Robin who narrowed his eyes in suspicion. The sableye was far from normal. Normally they had three gems on their backs, but his had not a single one. Its left ear was split and the ruby on its chest was cracked and broken, making it look like a heart. However the most shocking was its mouth. The sableye’s mouth was stitched shut, though at the same time it was loose enough to open its mouth a bit, showing it had no teeth.

Tiron fell down in shock, crawling away from the part dark type, his graveler doing the same. Some kids ran out the door to the nearest bathroom to throw up at the deformed pokémon. Tiron even had a wet spot start forming as the sableye moved towards him.

“That’s enough,” Kuro stated calmly as he returned his partner. He waited until all students returned before he began speaking again. “You are all young and have no idea of the cruelty of the world. I expect respect so that I can teach you and prepare you for the world. Now then: Julian, Robin how about a battle between you two. I want to see the skills of everyone here but let’s start with you two. One on one, not the ones you used for entrance.”

The two walked forward grabbing pokéballs from their waists. Julian threw out a luxury ball revealing a magnemite, while Robin released an absol from a moon ball.

“Begin.”

“Use thunderbolt Tesla!” Julian threw out his hand forward for the first attack. The magnemite released a wave of electricity from its magnets at the dark type.

“Dodge and use night slash,” Robin commanded. The absol dodged with ease and fired a dark wave of energy from its horn. The electric type span out of the way just in time, however it could feel the power from the move. “Guardian use x-scissor.” Guardian ran at Tesla and jumped into the air, its horn and tail glowing red as it fired two red slashes, one from its horn the other from its tail. The red slashes crossed into an X that hit the steel type straight on.

“Magnet bomb!” Tesla released several screws from its body and fired them at Guardian at close range. The dark type screamed out in pain as the screws returned to Tesla. “Now thunder wave.” Next it released a weaker wave of electricity than it first move. The absol tried to dodge however it was still hit and thus paralyzed. Julian smiled at his success until he watched his magnemite hit the ground suddenly. “What the heck!?”

“I told Guardian a long time ago that whenever starting a battle to always start off with future sight,” Robin explained cheerfully. “Future sight then use swords dance.” Robin stood calmly as he watched his partner’s eyes glow purple for a moment. Next guardian managed to jump into the air with its tail and horn glowing blue as it span in the air and then landed gracefully moving around as though it was dancing, it body being overtaken by the blue and remaining as that. “Now double team and then night slash.” Copies of him surrounded the dual type pokémon, and then all of them released a dark aura slash surrounded in blue.

“Gyro ball.” Tesla began spinning fast enough to absorb the attack. It then span towards the copies, taking them out one by one until it hit the real one knocking the absol back some.

“Use night slash again,” Robin called out, his voice becoming anxious, himself forcing himself to stay in his trainer spot. However his partner could not move do the paralysis.

“Use thunderbolt again.” With a final shock from the electric attack the dark type was knocked out and thus unable to battle making Julian the winner, just in time for lunch.

The group sat down with their pokémon eating pokéfood. “How was the first day so far,” Kaori came up to the group, alongside him was October who looked confused.

“Did something happen to you guys?” he titled his head to the side in confusion.

“We discovered the terror of Kuro earlier,” Jackie said sullenly.

“Who are you?” Robin seemingly unphased asked the older Entei Red.

“Huh? Oh I’m Kaori, ho-oh rank second year Entei red. What about you guys?”

“I’m Robin and Van Gogh is my partner. Julian is red.” Julian shot an annoyed look at the other boy however it went unnoticed.

“Midori and Ikusa is my friend.”

“Nice to meet you two.”

“You too. Hi Junine,” Robin waved at the albino, who at that moment walked up to them.

“Hey how was the first day so far?”

“Sounds like someone pissed of Kuro in their class,” Kaori explained for her.

“Honestly showing that pokémon the first day. Has he no sympathy. Such a pain.”

“Who’s a pain?” the group turned their heads to see Kuro standing there, apparently listening to Junine’s rant about him.

“You.”

“Now now no need to be so cruel,” Kuro walked up to Junine taking her left hand in his right, his left hand ending up on her waist, their bodies close together. “Junine,” he said her name sweetly, the girl glaring at him. Jackie and Julian’s jaws dropped at the sight. Not only was she dating Phoenix but had a relationship with Kuro too? Judging by the fact that Kaori showed no surprise meant it was common for them too.

“No I refuse.”

“Come on please. I have some kind of teacher meeting and that means I can’t do it. It’ll be extra credit in my class plus you can be late to my class as well. I have you for battling right after lunch.”

Junine debated this for a moment before sighing. “Fine take Lady. She’s least likely to try to kill Phoenix.

“Thank you. It’s this one right.” The one eyed teacher let go her as he walked away with a friend ball in hand.

Junine placed a black bag down on the table and in her hand was a dusk ball. “Honestly putting this off onto me,” she grumbled as she opened the pokéball and released the sableye contained inside of it. The group immediately recognized the pokémon as Kuro’s and looked towards Junine confused. She simply opened the bag and started chewing whatever was inside. After chewing for a moment she took the food out from her mouth, and onto her finger as the sableye opened its mouth slightly. From there she placed her finger inside and slid the food off for the ghost/dark type to eat.

“Kuro often asks Junine to feed that guy whenever he’s too busy. It needs a special food and special method to eating due to its permanent stitches. However a certain someone likes to slip in other things,” as he said the last part, the first years could see Junine slipping in pieces of apple and other food items on her plate.

“Um where is October?” Robin asked noticing the other boy missing.

“He ran to throw up most likely, when Junine released our little friend here.

“Do you two know each other,” Midori spoke up this time.

“Kaori and I have been friends since we were children so yes we know each other well.”

“How nice. The Dark Prince and the…hmmm I’m not sure yet.” The other five plus their pokémon looked at Robin and laughed. Lunch went on cheerfully from there.

After lunch their last two classes flew by as like earlier ones they were just syllabi, as well as repeat teachers. Math was taught by Tanaka and Science by Phoenix. After class the group split up and went back to their dorms for that day, exhausted by the events of earlier, however later that night…

Midori walked into the pokémon center that was the center of the school building. Too restless to stay inside she had gone back outside for some training. As she walked in she saw Julian there getting his pokémon back. She smiled and started walking towards the boy only to stop dead in her tracks. Julian was getting back four pokémon, all of them being placed on his waist where he kept his pokéballs. Why? First years were to have 2-3 pokémon as per the rules of the academy so why did he have four?

He turned around to leave, shock appearing on his face for a moment as he saw her, but then it left. He walked towards the exit his face serious as he stopped by her and spoke, “Don’t tell anyone,” was all he said as he left. Midori watched him retreat before going back to her business, the matter put back for now.

 

[Flaze]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Well this chapter was very interesting, I thought that Kuro did a good job at being a comic relief in this chapter. I'm kind of curious as to how his Sableye ended up in that situation since it's kind of sad. Other than that I was interested in the classes that you introduced and I wonder what the others might be like, specially the Ranger class as I mentioned to you before

We got to see a bit more about the characters and their personalities, and got a bit of a resolution regarding Junine's situation with the teachers, though I still wonder what her situation with Phoenix is.

I think that you need to work a bit more on your battles though, maybe add a little more description to them you know, more substance, in this chapter is okay since it would've just made it longer but just keep it as a tip for next time.

 

[Nytie]

Re: Tower Academy: The Mystery of the Zeltecs

Yooooo. I finished reviewing the first chapter so here it is. You have a good framework for the story and strong characters, so most of my nitpicks have to do with grammar and style.

Spoiler'd because long post is long.

Spoiler

So what I’m going to do is copy-paste some snippets of your text here, tell you what I like/didn’t like about it, and if it’s a grammatical or spelling error, I will make a change in purple text so you can see it easily. My comments will also be in purple.

“Jackie Anima, ma’am,” Just a spelling error, and I’m going to take this opportunity to warn you that while I'm not going to point out commas or lack of commas all the time, I will add or remove them in the changes I make.

“But-” Sicilia started only, to be cut off by a different voice also belonging to a male. When a sentence is cut off with a hyphen, you don’t need additional punctuation.

The man notably wore a black uniform of a closed black jacket, pants, and shoes. This was the standard uniform for the attendants of the academy. This could be combined into one sentence to aid flow. Like this: The man wore the standard uniform for attendants of the academy: a closed black jacket, and black pants and shoes.

“Flamethrower, Slugma!” As far as I know, it’s up to personal preference whether or not you capitalize pokemon species names, but when someone is addressing a pokemon without a nickname, that should be capitalized. It’s like having a dog named Dog.

“D-dodge!” the boy attempted to order. I would use an exclamation point here instead of a comma, as it is a forceful command. However, his partner was still hit by the attack and thus took damage. Changes here are about flow again. Combining or breaking up sentences as needed can really help out the readers.

The ball hit the fire type as it fired off another flamethrower that the boy countered with his own causing an explosion. It’s not clear what is taking place from this sentence. I’m assuming that the smeargle countered with another shadow ball, or else copied the flamethrower. It would be a good thing to clarify.

With a sigh of relief, he walked over to his smeargle and picked it up. The two smiled at each other before walking up the stairs. Flow again. A good rule of thumb is no more than three actions taking place in one sentence. More than that can lead to what I call “visual clutter”; the reader can get overwhelmed because it seems like so much is going on in one sentence.

At the same time another boy, who was using a rotom, was fighting an examiner with a raticate. Important information can be added to the middle of a sentence, if it has to do with something or someone that has already been mentioned. This keeps things from being redundant.

Returning his rotom, he left the field with a condescending smile on his face. Adjectives are fun and can do triple duty by pleasing the readers, saving you the trouble of writing long description, and preventing clutter.

Gonna nitpick a whole paragraph here as an example of my general thoughts on describing appearance. The problem with descriptions is that it’s important that the readers know what the characters look like, but walls of text detailing their features and outfits quickly get tiring. It’s a difficult balance to strike.

The boy had long black hair with its length past his shoulders but above mid back. His bangs were loose in front of blue-green eyes. For clothing he wore a white shirt with black pants tucked into mid shin black boots. Over everything he wore an oversized black coat with a red inside and hood. The bottom reached his knees and the sleeves covered his hands with his arms.

^ That’s the original paragraph, and below are my changes, with each sentence discussed.

The boy had long black hair that fell just above his mid-back, with loose bangs in front of his blue-green eyes. His bangs are part of his hair, so they can be described in the same sentence. Since his hair is said to be long, you can just specify where it falls to, since the reader can assume that long hair falls past the shoulder.

He wore a white shirt with black pants tucked into shin-high black boots, and an oversized black coat with a red inside and hood over everything. Again, unless an article of clothing is particularly notable, it can probably all be described together. I removed the last sentence, since an “oversized” coat implies that it will fall over the wearer’s hands, etc.

Jackie himself had messy brown hair with brown eyes. He wore a red vest over a black t-shirt with brown cargos and brown hiking boots. This is a good example of describing an appearance in a concise way that still covers the necessary details.

“Awesome? The examiners are made purposely weak, and thus a battle where one took as much damage as that examiner should not be considered ‘awesome’.” the boy with the rotom spoke up, having arrived to the spot. Just grammar and punctuation nitpicks here. It wasn’t clear which “him” was being referred to, so be sure to clarify. Single quotations are used within double quotes.

Now since we’re getting into the part of the chapter with more dialogue, I’m going to discuss punctuation for quotes. You use commas at the end of quotes, which is proper form and there’s nothing wrong with it. However, I would also recommend experimenting with different punctuation; exclamation points where you want emphasis, for example. It’s also usually fine to end a quote with a period if the end of the quote is the end of the actual sentence.

In her hair were two gold clips and, on her shoulder sat an eevee. Just spelling here.

Also another note on describing appearances: it’s not necessary to specify that a person is wearing a shirt “for clothing”, unless there is some other reason for them to be wearing it. Perhaps as a turban or something instead of an actual shirt.

This time it came from a girl taller than the four as the four of them were all short in height reaching 5’2’’ to 5’3’’ while the girl reached around 5’7’’. While it’s not necessary to specify a character’s exact height when describing their appearance, it’s also not really necessary to include the heights of the characters other than the tall girl here. Maybe just emphasizing that she’s unusually tall.

Also the next paragraph is pretty big. I would recommend breaking it into two or even three smaller paragraphs, with Junine’s appearance and the explanation of the school being separate.

The two looked at each other before running down the stairs to the field surprised to see it was one. Originally the field had been four different ones for multiple exams to happen at once but now it was a single field. The two looked at the two teachers, confused. I would actually switch the first two sentences around here to make things clearer.

Midori and Jackie looked at each other confused at the obvious fact that they were not fighting examiners. At least not normal ones, made clear when the two girls let out a vullaby and larvesta. Flow again. Also I made larvesta lowercase since that’s how the rest of the pokemon species names have been.

While the ghost type move did not harm the normal type, the winds from gust pushed him off of the ground and into the air only to crash back down. Gust is a flying-type move, not ghost.

The eevee ran at the dark/flying type with a trail of white behind him. Dual types are written as Type 1/Type 2.

Meanwhile, as Pyrite dodged, the string shots were not actually not missing anymore. He got stuck, unable to move as he was wrapped in silk It’s not necessary to specify “with Jackie” since we know that Pyrite is Jackie’s pokemon.

“Use aqua jet to put out the flames!” Jacked called out. This is one place where I would definitely use an exclamation point instead of a comma, since it’s an intense command.

The fire bug surrounded itself in flames from her body much like buizel had done with water. Larvesta’s gender is suddenly specified here when it hadn’t been before. I would change everything to either “it/itself” or “she/herself” for consistency.

“Aerial ace,” the other girl called out. Her vullaby launched into the air and flew towards them as well. Flow, your new favorite word.

The two then spun and created a wall of stars, which worked as a form of protection from the two oncoming attacks. Just spelling here.

The two and their pokémon smiled at their successful teamwork, only to lose their smiles almost immediately. Specifying what “them” is, since there are several things in the sentence that “them” could potentially refer to.

Junine and Robin smiled as they heard Sicilia announce the news. “In the end, it seems they were lucky,” Junine commented. Robin nodded his head in agreement. Flow.

After a few days, the group had to board a ship to go to the island the school was located on. Things denoting time usually go at the beginning or end of a sentence.

The uniform with their names marked their dorm and rank. Removed the last part of the sentence, since it’s already been said that the uniforms were found in the rooms.

“Why am I stuck with you,” he said distastefully, rather than asked. Adverbs serve the same purpose as adjectives.

Julian’s jacket was the same as the red headed girl’s from the exam while Jackie’s was like the lavender girl’s in style. If you’re referring to a person by a characteristic that could be shared with someone else, such as hair color, make sure to specify exactly which person with that trait you’re referring to.

A note on the uniforms instructed students to change into them and to wear them till arrival at the island. Spelling. Using different verbs that specifically show the intent of the action can be helpful.

These prints, in addition to the length of the coats, represented the student’ ranks. The prints and lengths specify rank. The prints don’t specify rank and the length of the coat

I would suggest moving the description of October’s appearance to the paragraph where he is first introduced.

The girl had been marked as Ho-oh Rank in the Raikou Dorm, so her coat reached her knees in length and had Ho-oh feathers on the back. Under the jacket, the girl was wearing high heeled black shoes, a white mini-skirt and black halter top. The only reason I specified “halter top” is that there are various kinds of halters and you don’t want your readers to get a weird mental image because of an omitted word.

She had kept complaining about getting stuck in Raikou and how at least they got her rank right, and about getting stuck with Midori. Since these are all part of the same action (the girl complaining) they can go in the same sentence.

Straightening from her position leaning against the ship railing, she put on a smile before calling to the other girl. I think you meant ship instead of tip here.

Walking beside him was his smeargle and October. Since I’m assuming that it’s Robin’s smeargle and not October’s, the order should be switched to prevent confusion.

October, who had been staring at Junine since the moment he saw her, went red at her comment about him. I think this would be a good place to bring up “show, don’t tell”. By showing the reader that October has been staring at Junine and that her comment makes him blush, the reader can assume that he finds her attractive so you don’t have to tell them outright.

“Screw that! I won’t let you have him! No one can have him but me! He’s mine, he chose me!” he growled at the men. This is another place where exclamation points might be more appropriate than periods or commas, since it’s an emotionally intense moment.

I like the hijacking and fight scene, not much to say about it.

The paragraph describing Junine’s pokeballs and the limits on students’ pokemon could be split into two paragraphs.

And that's about it! Like I said, most of these nitpick are stylistic and technical things. I like the story so far and I'm interested in seeing where it goes

 

[Midorikawa]

@Nytie; Thank you and I will definitely try to work on flow, and catching my typos. Also on the note of pokemon names, thank you for pointing out what ones I mixed up. I capitalize when their name is their species name, but don't when they have a nickname. Sometimes I mess up though obviously. And honestly I don't care about the typing order since it has zero relevance in the fic. If they have a dark typing then psychic moves don't affect them and etc. so it would be annoying to pull up bulbapedia on my laggy pc just to check order of types.

 

[Nytie]

@Nytie; Thank you and I will definitely try to work on flow, and catching my typos. Also on the note of pokemon names, thank you for pointing out what ones I mixed up. I capitalize when their name is their species name, but don't when they have a nickname. Sometimes I mess up though obviously. And honestly I don't care about the typing order since it has zero relevance in the fic. If they have a dark typing then psychic moves don't affect them and etc. so it would be annoying to pull up bulbapedia on my laggy pc just to check order of types.

Glad I could help! On types, I wasn't correcting order, just that dual types are denoted with a slash.

 

[Midorikawa]

@Nytie; Thank you and I will definitely try to work on flow, and catching my typos. Also on the note of pokemon names, thank you for pointing out what ones I mixed up. I capitalize when their name is their species name, but don't when they have a nickname. Sometimes I mess up though obviously. And honestly I don't care about the typing order since it has zero relevance in the fic. If they have a dark typing then psychic moves don't affect them and etc. so it would be annoying to pull up bulbapedia on my laggy pc just to check order of types.

Glad I could help! On types, I wasn't correcting order, just that dual types are denoted with a slash.

Oh. I thought I did use a slash... but anyways I'll make sure to do that. Thank you

 

[Midorikawa]

Almost done with the intro arc. Real action will be starting next chapter...maybe...I'll try...

Also no extra chapter again but there is something at the end.

---

Chapter 4: Attack on Noivern


Jackie jolted awake, his head hitting the ceiling above it; suddenly he regretted taking the top bunk in the room. The banging continued throughout the dorm waking everyone up in it. The students walked out exhausted and annoyed at their dorm head standing there smiling…well the first years did, the seniors all just look tired. “Good Friday everyone!” Kuro cheered loudly, inciting more groans from the first years and yawns from the seniors.

They shuckled their way into getting dressed, and shuckled their way more into the dining hall. “He does this every Friday morning. It is best to get used to it,” Vrasilisk explained. He and Kaori were already sitting at their usual table in the dining hall. “Fridays are always longer classes so Kuro finds it entertaining to wake us up early.”

“Especially second and third years. Today are the biggest electives for us, especially third years since all of them have a chosen major,” Kaori chimed in.

“So October our first class is Ranger Studies right?” Jackie asked. October nodded in reply, the two ignoring Kaori talking.

“Hey don’t ignore me! You should listen to your senior. Especially you Jackie since-”

“Phoenix. What allows us to be graced with your presence this lovely morning?” Kuro interrupted. The boys looked behind them to see Phoenix standing in the dining hall, next to him was Julian, Midori, and Robin.

“Yo Nix what’s with the outfit?”

“Kuro is wearing something weird too.”

“Don’t they always wear those proper outfits?”

Kuro laughed as he listened to what his first years called, smiling that they finally noticed. “Well well, Phoenix your lovely outfit woke up my first years.” The teacher grinned as his fellow worker glared at him as well as the students. “We are just required to wear those annoying things for the first few days; afterwards we can wear what we want to an extent. Now Phoenix what brings you here?”

Jackie looked at his teachers curious as to what the other reds were talking about. He noticed that Kuro was wearing a black long sleeved turtle neck with black leather pants tucked into black shitkickers. Phoenix on the other hand was dressed more extravagantly. He wore what seemed to be 18th century French clothing. His blue pants tucked into knee high black boots with a heel made for men. His white button up was covered by a long blue coat. The coat was simple with some minor gold embroidery on the front that was closed. The tail of the coat was long, reaching all the way to the teacher’s knees, which considering his height, showed the coat to be very long. The front of it extended just past the teachers waist and curved into the backsides length, the collar was worn folded down and the cuffs were folded properly as well.

“I’ll have you know my clothing comes from a time before your grandparents were born. My family is descended from one of history’s wealthiest lords in the Kalos Region.”

Something must have clicked in Robin’s mind as Phoenix stated what region he was from since the moment he stated it, Jackie saw a look of shock and surprise on the other boy’s face.

“Yeah right Nix.”

“Kalos is so not a real place. I’ve been all around the regions and never heard of that place.”

“Please stop with the lies.”

“I am not lying. Also do not refer to me as Nix. Phoenix is my name and the only one I will allow you to call me by,” he glared at his students. “Anyways,” he sighed, turning his gaze towards Kuro. “Kuro do any of your reds have strange schedules for today?”

“What do you mean?” Kuro raised an eyebrow, now turning his own gaze on the three non-Entei Red students, figuring that what Phoenix was talking about probably had something to do with the three.

“You know how first years stay with their own dorms for their three classes on Fridays right?” Kuro nodded in reply, also showing that Phoenix could continue. “Well these three have you as their first class. I noticed it with Julian and then went to check with Tanaka. He notably has the problem with Robin and Midori. It’s possible it’s a mistake in the schedules if there are some of your reds with the class order that Tanaka and I’s students should have.”

“I see. Okay reds check your schedules. You should have Ranger Studies first, followed by Pokémon Health, Lunch, and lastly is Wild Survival. If you do not then let us know now.” All of the first years checked their schedules, finding that they were all correct for Friday. “Seems it wasn’t a mistake then. For today we’ll have them stick with my Reds and after classes we’ll talk to the headmaster and find out what is going on. I assume their schedule is the same as my Reds.”

“Yes it is. Alright then. Kuro I’ll see you later, and you three,” Phoenix turned towards the three students by his side. “Kuro will take care of you from here. I have to head back to my own first years,” with those words said, Phoenix turned around and left the dorm.

“Okay then. If you three haven’t eaten yet then feel free to grab some food. Otherwise just wait patiently and we’ll leave soon for class.”

Julian, Midori and Robin sat down at the table with Jackie, all three having eaten breakfast in their own dorms already. “So the great Julian decides to return to our sides,” Jackie teased the red head; much to the latter’s annoyance. After the first day of classes Julian had avoided the threesome, despite the result being him sitting and eating lunch alone every day, as well as having no one to talk to in classes.

“Jackie leave him alone. He already has enough to deal with due to us for some reason having strange Friday schedules,” Midori scolded, her thoughts wandering to their first day of classes. Julian had had four pokémon on him, despite school rules only allowing three at the moment for first years. She had tried to confront him about it the past few days, but the boy only ignored her or told her not to say anything.

“You okay?”

“Huh?” Midori looked at Robin confused.

“You seemed worried about something and even sighed one of worry.”

“Did I? Well it’s nothing anyways. You don’t have to worry about it,” she covered quickly.
Robin was another person worrying her. Over the week they had found the boy had a bit of a rebellious side. When they had gym, the teacher had them run laps, however Robin outright refused to run them. He told the teacher no, and that he would not run. The teacher of course was furious and sent the boy to the headmaster’s office. It was a surprise that he didn’t get in any trouble, and actually became excused from running laps. While it seemed like he was the type that just didn’t want to run, to Midori it seemed like Robin wanted to, but could not for a reason.

“So what’s Kalos?” Jackie asked snapping the girl from her thoughts.

“It’s a region. A real one too, so I can assure you that Phoenix didn’t make it up. Actually I have a friend from there,” Robin answered, his face showing nostalgia as he thought of his friend.

“There’s a second year who is from there,” Kaori cut into their conversation. “Though I haven’t seen him around at all this year. I’ll have to ask Junine about where he is since the two are always around each other, and he’s also a Ho-oh rank Suicune Blue student.”

“Is that so? I’ve been to all the regions but never that one,” Jackie told the group.

Midori looked at him curiously. “Like every single region out there. You’ve been to them all minus Kalos?” she asked, doubting what he was saying.

“Yeah. Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova.”

“That’s not all. There are more regions than those five and Kalos.”

Jackie looked at Midori curiously though the only thing he saw was her watching the reds around them talk. Before he could ask her what other regions there was, they were interrupted by Kuro telling them it was time for class. The students followed Kuro into the school and into the room where they would be learning ranger studies.

Once everyone was seated in the lecture hall, Kuro began speaking. “Okay since this class is once a week it is the length of two classes in itself. Now then in this class you will learn the basics of being a pokémon ranger. If you decide that you want to become one, then starting next year you can take classes based only on pokémon rangers if you so wish. However before we get started, I need to see your bodies. And by that I mean just measure your height, and weight, and chest.” Kuro pointed to a corner near the front where height and weight instruments were present along with chest ones too. “I am trained and don’t worry. I feel zero attraction to any of you and thus I have zero interest in touching you inappropriately.”

“Because that just makes everyone feel better,” Julian drawled quietly as a response.

“Julian Akatsuki, Robin Morgan and Midori Koutetsuban; you three have the option of waiting for your own dorm heads. On the first Friday of the school year it is the job of us dorm heads to take your physicals. Having the nurse do it would be too much work and thus we do it in our first classes when we each have our own first years. However since you three are not of my dorm then you can wait for Phoenix and Tanaka,” the one eyed teacher explained to the class, and especially the three aforementioned names.

“Thank goodness,” Julian breathed a sigh in relief. “I feel much better with Phoenix doing it.

“You make Kuro sound like a pedophile…though I can’t deny that I feel more comfortable with Tanaka. I guess it’s just a matter of knowing your dorm head better than the others. What about you Robin?” Midori turned towards her friend and fellow dorm mate.

“Tanaka,” he stated simply, his face expressionless and not containing its usual idle look.

Julian and Jackie looked at each other for a moment before looking towards Midori questioningly.

“What am I your guys’ mother?” she looked at them incredulously. The two boys nodded vigorously in reply. “Honestly,” she sighed before looking at Robin herself. “I can’t answer that because I don’t know him much better than you boys. And no being in the same dorm does not mean sharing rooms or knowing each other really well. Actually Robin is really quiet and always seems distracted, hence why he doesn’t notice us talking about him.”

“Huh?” the boy in question asked looking towards his friends.

“Nothing Robin,” Midori said, her voice tinged with sweetness.

“Okay!” Robin nodded happily to her, while Julian and Jackie sweatdropped at the two.

The class continued on with Kuro giving the students physicals. When it was over they headed over to Pokémon Health, which consisted of Phoenix teaching them how it would work.

“Now this class is a bit special as we will be learning all about pokémon health. This means how the insides of pokémon work, and thus we will be dissecting pokémon.” Many students ran out of the room nauseous, running to the bathroom to throw up. Others made sounds of disgust, some were excited, and some were calm, unbothered by the thought. While Julian and Jackie were disgusted, Midori and Robin were unbothered by the idea.

The class continued on with more explanations about what they would be doing, and then the students were released for lunch, not that many wanted to eat. “Junine!” a loud voice called across the cafeteria. “Have you seen Angel Boy at all since the year started?”

Junine looked up from the meal she was eating at her loud friend. “Tell me what do you think?” she asked, obviously annoyed.

“Okay okay,” Kaori put his hands up in defeat. “It’s strange though. You think he dropped out?

Junine dropped her utensil at this comment. The thought of him dropping out was unimaginable to the albino. “Excuse me,” she said quickly getting up from her seat and leaving the dining hall.

“Well that was strange. Why did Junine react like that?” Julian asked Kaori.

The older boy just shrugged as a reply, though Julian did receive a spoken answer, just not from who he expected. “When a friend is precious, the thought of not seeing them again is really painful,” Robin told the group, his smeargle patting his arm, knowing exactly who the boy was talking about.

Julian went silent, for some strange reason he felt like he was wrong for not understanding Junine’s feelings. Not that he should care about her at all. She was just his senior that never left him alone, always. Whenever he was alone in the dorm she would always bother him. At lunch she would always try to get him to eat with the group, today being the result of him giving up.

“ATTENTION FIRST YEAR STUDENTS! YOUR THIRD CLASS WILL ONLY BE HALF THE TIME! YOUR TEACHERS WILL LEAD YOU TO THE AUDITORIUM FOR A SPECIAL ASSEMBLY!”

“Assembly? I wonder what it’s about,” Jackie mused.

Lunch soon ended and Tanaka’s class like the ones before was spent giving the gist of what the students would be learning, which was along the lines of literally how to survive in the wild. Afterwards he led them to the auditorium where all the first years sat to listen to what the assembly was about. On the stage sat Robinson and Mrs. P, alongside Junine and Kaori curiously enough.

Mrs. P almost immediately started speaking to the students, explaining what the assembly was about. “Friendships between the years are not strange; however generally there is no one to help students through their years here. Older students rarely help out their juniors. However last year some first years were having trouble. Trouble that a teacher could not help with, and that required the help of those that faced the hardships of being a first year themselves, in recent years. A second year decided to help those first years. Thus we decided to create a new program to help first years. For every first year, there will be a second year for them to go to for advice on anything. Advice that teachers can’t always give. A kind of close friend so to speak. WE call this the Evolution program, because your seniors are liked your evolved forms. We will also be doing events involving this, and watching the progress of it. The second years will choose you, and we asked Kaori and Junine to announce their choices publicly, and to make sure to choose ahead of everyone else. Now I will allow them to say who they wish to be the close confidential of.”

“Thank you Mrs. P,” Kaori smiled at her. “And before we say who we chose, we must say that we are excited about everything as well. Actually the students who had trouble last year included Junine and I. Our troubles weren’t something that the teachers could help with, though a second year who had to deal with the same kind of things helped us get through them. Some of our problems were simple and in some cases he didn’t have the same experience but always tried his best to help out. Of course there were four of us so it made things difficult. We hope to take from his example and do the same for you guys, and also hopefully learn from you as well. Well then as embarrassing as it is to say this out loud in front of so many…Jackie Anima. I’ve chosen you as my junior. Now Junine why don’t you tell them who your cute adorable junior is.” Kaori then quickly handed the mike over to Junine, urging her to speak.

Junine couldn’t help but laugh a little at Kaori’s quick handing over of the microphone after stating who he chose. She knew that even he didn’t like things like this, but they had agreed to it and thus had no choice. “Well they kind of said everything so…Julian Akatsuki. Goodbye now,” she said the name quickly and turned off the microphone before tossing it into the stand, which actually missed and hit the stage. She then along with Kaori ditched out, leaving the crowd to stare at Julian and Jackie, the boys faces going red at the attention.

Midori and Robin sneaked away from their friends, Pyrite followed behind them, not wanting to be by his trainer. They walked outside catching up to Junine and Kaori, other first years had left too and the front of the school was filling up with friends. Jackie and Julian soon caught up as well, glaring at their seniors. “C’mon we had no choice,” Kaori put his hands up as if to defend himself, laughing as he did so.

The laughter and joy of the courtyard was soon cut short as a loud landing was heard and a cry from a pokémon. Everyone went silent at the sight of a noivern that looked very angry about something. Some students started panicking; the noivern must not have liked this as it flew back into the air and fired a toxic at a group of girls frozen by fear.

Kaori reached for a pokéball to do something but knew he was too late when the attack hit and a cloud of dust rose from it. “Damnit!” Kaori bit out. He breathed a sigh of relief when the smoke cleared however, and actually smiled. “Angel boy I thought you dropped out due to fear of me!” he called out.

“You can say that when Blitzkrieg actually manages to knock out Angel,” a male voice replied. The voice came from a boy, presumably a student who was taller than Phoenix, much to the shock of many of the students in the area, and of course his knee length black hair didn’t help to make him look shorter, that being because the knee length was his knees and the hair was longer than anyone’s around them. As he talked he was walking forward towards the group of girls that the toxic was fired at, however they were never hit. In front of them stood a golett that had used protect to protect them.

Kaori walked up to the front of the crowd, standing right by the boy, releasing a deino from a luxury ball. “The ruins?”

“Trip with Phoenix. Dragon’s cave?”

“Trip with Kuro. You covering?”

“If you can actually hit it.”

“Please. It’s such an easy shot.”

“You miss and you have to wear a maid costume.”

“And if I hit?”

“You proved me wrong.”

“Good enough. Deal.”

“Shadow ball, plus size!” The golett moved in front of its trainer, creating a large black and purple ball between its hands, the ball reaching a size as large as the golett itself. With one hand it threw the ball at the noivern.

The noivern easily flew around the shadow ball, but do the sheer size of it, its sight was hindered and it was hit by the pink flames of the deino’s dragon breath.

“Ha! What do you say to that Angel Boy?”

“You proved me wrong. Though don’t get too happy. Wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself.”

“Tch. I knew the deal was too good to be true.”

Junine sighed at the two boys. Of course they would be bickering even at a time like this. She looked down at their juniors to see how they were doing. Julian and Jackie both had expressions of admiration for the older boys, making the girl chuckle for a moment until she looked at the two Raikou students. Robin seemed, shock by something, as well as concentrative on Angel Boy, Midori however was on the ground holding her head. “Midori are you okay?” Junine asked with worry, kneeling down next to her.

“Fine, just a bad headache suddenly,” she lied, faking a smile. She looked at the noivern, knowing that she had to help it, before her seniors hurt it more.

The noivern let out a loud screech, red sound waves emanated from its body before they hit the ground, creating multiple explosions that knocked back its opponents, right into their trainers, the two boys hitting the ground hard.

“Well this isn’t going to be easy,” Kaori groaned, his deino shaking its head to recover.

“Right because every battle is easy. Protecteur are you okay?” the emerald eyed boy asked his partner, helping the ghost/ground type up. Protecteur gave a nod, walking back out ready for another round. “Rollout,” Angel Boy commanded calmly. The golett rolled into a ball and started rolling around, using trees and rocks along with its arms to launch itself at the Noivern, only to miss each time due to it easily dodging the attempts.

Kaori took the opportunity to command his next move, his smile bordering sadistic. “Bite its ears Siri!” The dark/dragon type ran forward, waiting for a low dodge before attaching itself to the flying/dragon type. The noivern screamed out in pain due to the teeth latched onto its ears. “Now dragon-” Kaori didn’t finish though as a brown blur knocked Siri from the noivern. “What the hell!?”

Midori ran forward, standing between Kaori and Angel Boy, blocking them from attacking, Ikusa mimicked her, preventing their pokémon from moving. When she felt it was the right time she turned her back on them and walked up to the noivern who was on the ground, recovering from the bit attack, its ear was bleeding slightly, showing that Midori had made the right move to prevent further injury.

When it saw her approaching it growled to warn her away. She kept walking though, showing no fear to it, forcing herself against the pounding headache. The moment she reached it, she put her forehead against the noivern’s. “Calm down boy. I understand you. I understand you want to prove yourself, but this isn’t the way. Go home before you get hurt anymore, because if you do, I-I-I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” By this point Midori was crying, her gaze meeting the noivern’s. The noivern must’ve had understood her, because next thing anyone knew, it was flying away towards a large mountain on the island. “Take care Hyperion,” she whispered to herself as she watched him fly away.

The crowd stood amazed and confused. In none of their experiences had they seen someone walk up to a pokémon and calm it down like Midori had just done. It was truly a sight to see. Particulary to a few certain people. Sitting in a tree, watching the scene going on, hidden by the branches around them, someone smiled. Someone in the crowd on the other also smiled but tacked on an “interesting” to it.

---

Character Profile:
Name: Midori Koutetsuban
Age: 15
Birthday: November 18th
Best Friend: Robin Morgan
Hobbies: Playing with pokémon, training, reading books about war lords.
Favorite Song: Glockenpop
Pokemon: Ikusa (male eevee)
Theme Song:

Spoiler

[video=youtube;OL4bqYoI7Pg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL4bqYoI7Pg&list=PL868A740D12C673C5&index=35[/video]

 

[Flaze]

Okay, so, how to proceed with this review. Well grammatical wise I don't really see any problems with the chapter, at least by my point of view. Moving on to the actual chapter itself, I felt that it was a bit of a roller coaster in a sense. It just felt like the pacing was really rushed at times, and I think that focusing a bit more on some events could've helped it flow better, such a maybe focusing a bit more on the group having their measurements taken or maybe showing more of their reactions during the assembly.

The "battle" with the Noivern felt a little sudden and rushed, it was good I have to admit, you got a better hang of the battle scene this time but it still seemed to go fast and it was a bit confusing with the Noivern appearing and then leaving. I may have missed it but I don't think it was mentioned where the Noivern actually came from or what it was doing there and if Pokemon can just fly down and attack that easily then shouldn't the school do something in order to keep the students safe?

Also, this:

“Trip with Phoenix. Dragon’s cave?”

“Trip with Kuro. You covering?”

“If you can actually hit it.”

“Please. It’s such an easy shot.”

“You miss and you have to wear a maid costume.”

“And if I hit?”

“You proved me wrong.”

“Good enough. Deal.”

I think that maybe saying who was talking in each line could've helped, it just gets a bit confusing cause we're not really sure of who's saying what in this little instance so a little clarification could've worked better here.

For now just focus on trying to get a better hold of the pacing, it still feels a bit rushed at parts and I understand that you probably wanted to get the chapter out as quickly as possible, but pacing is one of the hardest things in writing (god knows I still can't get a hold of it) so try to make it as good as you can.

 

[GastlyGibus]

Okay, I read through the first chapter. I'll read the rest later, but for now, onto the nitpicking review.

I'll start with the positives. Maybe it's just me, but I've always liked academy-type settings. It's an interesting scenario, and I like the characters you came up with. Junine especially. I love brutally sarcastic characters. The characters are well-imagined, and just from their dialogue their personality comes through clearly.

Now, the biggest problem I see here is the commas, or rather, the lack thereof. There's a lot of sentences that just seem to go for prolonged periods of time without any pause or break. Just some examples...

“D-dodge,” the boy attempted to order however his partner was still hit by the attack and thus took damage.

. From the smoke a shadow ball flew and hit the fire type knocking it unconscious and thus giving the boy the win. With a sigh of relief he walked over to his smeargle and picked it up as the two smiled at each other before walking up the stairs.

The boys turned to see a girl with long brown hair tied up in a normal ponytail and bangs on either side of her face reaching her chin with shorter cut bangs above her eyes that were a dark blue in color.

Just a few examples of sentences missing commas. Break it up with some punctuation, otherwise it just reads really weird and awkwardly.

The ball hit the fire type as it fired off another flamethrower that the boy countered with his own causing an explosion.

What's firing off the flamethrower? The Fire-type or the Shadowball? I know the answer is obvious, but it's important that you distinguish what is being modified in a sentence. A better way to write that would be, "The ball hit the Slugma just as the fire-type fired off another flamethrower..."

As the smeargle boy finished walking up the stairs Jackie noticed it was right by him. The boy had long black hair with its length past his shoulders but above mid back. His bangs were loose in front of blue-green eyes. For clothing he wore a white shirt with black pants tucked into mid shin black boots. Over everything he wore an oversized black coat with a red inside and hood. The bottom reached his knees and the sleeves covered his hands with his arms.

Alright, this is just me being super nit-picky here, and honestly, this is just a personal problem I have. Over-describing things just seems like a giant waste of words unless the description is made interesting. I tend to avoid over-description of characters in my own writing, because it just interrupts the flow of an otherwise good story. Gradually working in descriptions in little parts, instead of just dropping a giant description blurb in the middle of a story, is usually much less jarring. It's especially jarring in the first chapter here, because you do it for every single character. Again, this is just me probably, but it's really awkward when you're reading a story, and then it just abruptly stops and spends an entire paragraph describing a single character.

Other than my nit-picking, it's a cool concept, and I rather like it. Just watch yourself for the little grammar issues, because if you don't, they start to add up and detract from the overall story.

 

[Prez]

First of all, hello! I finally got to reading your fan fiction. I'm personally not a huge fan of Pokemon Academy fan fictions due to the sheer amount of them, but I must admit, this one is coming out to be very interesting. I'll start out with the things I look for the most in a story; character and plot. Really, really liking the interaction between each of the characters. It seems real and manages to give me an overall good feeling. (Junine and Kaori are awesome.) The biggest thing I'm happy with has to be how the dialogue is greatly varied and isn't limited to a few select words. I also like how the characters aren't automatically really close with each other unlike so many other academy fan fictions. It's refreshing.

Plot. Umm, since the main story really hasn't started yet, there's not to say besides, "I'm looking forward to seeing what happens!"

Being the grammar freak I am, the errors I saw were slightly distracting. Don't worry, all the mistakes I noticed were already mentioned by other reviews. So yeah, I'm not going to sit here listing off a litany of errors like some ass. Anyway, the overall way the sentences and words are separated make the fic really easy to read. If there's anything that hurt my eyes, it would be the descriptions. While there is a lot to explain, I would suggest breaking up those large paragraphs so they're a bit more easy to read.

Like here;

Mrs. P almost immediately started speaking to the students, explaining what the assembly was about. “Friendships between the years are not strange; however generally there is no one to help students through their years here. Older students rarely help out their juniors. However last year some first years were having trouble. Trouble that a teacher could not help with, and that required the help of those that faced the hardships of being a first year themselves, in recent years. A second year decided to help those first years. Thus we decided to create a new program to help first years. For every first year, there will be a second year for them to go to for advice on anything. Advice that teachers can’t always give. A kind of close friend so to speak. WE call this the Evolution program, because your seniors are liked your evolved forms. We will also be doing events involving this, and watching the progress of it. The second years will choose you, and we asked Kaori and Junine to announce their choices publicly, and to make sure to choose ahead of everyone else. Now I will allow them to say who they wish to be the close confidential of.”

It might be just me, but I found it a bit hard to read. Maybe break up the dialogue as well? Anyway, this fan fiction is looking really good and I can tell it's going to get better after all of the explaining and exposition is done. I didn't really mention this earlier, but I like the setting. (I enjoyed RPing in this setting when it was a roleplay, so that's a good thing.)

Long story short, I look forward to the next chapter! Sorry, I'm not too good at leaving reviews.

 

[Me Gusta]

Not bad, but seems a bit much like Yugioh GX. It was enjoyable however, and I must say it was pretty good.