COMPLETE: Twins of Fate: On The Run (Book 1)

[Marcat]

Credit to Blazaking EX for the banner.

This is my first Fanfic ever, so please cut my some slack.

This is NOT a self-insert, While I may share the name, the character himself and his personality is imagined.

So here goes nothing!
EDIT: This is Rated PG-15 -There is Violence and Character Death in the story-

It took one fateful encounter to flip a boy's life upside down.

Intro

You see before this, I was a normal guy, a chump just like you. However fate pulled a fast one on me, I saw something that I wasn't supposed to see, and now my life is terror and choas. My only friend is my pokemon, Treecko. Ironicly it was that incident that tyed our fates together, made us trainer and pokemon. We have faced many challenged together, we're practicly brothers, twins. I guess thats what we really are,
Twins of Fate

The Chapters
Chapter One: Unlikely Beginnings
Chapter Two: Its rude to stare
Chapter Three: Justice isn't Blind, its Deaf
Chapter Four: The Escape
Chapter Five: The Forest
Chapter Six: I unwillingly make a friend
Chapter Seven: Disappearence in Petalburg
Chapter Eight: The Meeting
Chapter Nine: Guilt
Chapter Ten: The Hunter is Hunted

Chapter one: Unlikely Beginnings

Gravel groaned in protest as I made my way to Birch’s laboratory at the fringe of the forest. I felt ready, ready to get my first Pokémon and begin an already delayed journey. I felt ready, that was until I found out Birch wasn’t even there.

“A vacation! Why in the world would a Professor want to take a vacation!”

“Hey don’t look at me!” his lab aide replied putting her hands up in surrender, “You’re the one who didn’t show up last week!”

I didn’t like his aide, she looked like a Poochyena and had eyes like a Spearow.

“I had a cold!” I yelled, “sheesh!”

“Well tough luck, come back next week. Besides I heard the Sevii Islands are great this time of year, if
he’s smart he’ll move there.” She smirked.

I glared at her as I turned to make my leave, stomping out. So here I am, mad and miserable, stuck here because on that day, the day when I would leave, I had caught a cold confining me to my bed the whole day.

I went home and headed to my room to prepare myself for an exciting day sulking in my room about the delay to my journey, when a scream rent the air.

“Thabet! Get down here!” My mom called.

After rushing downstairs I was shocked to find my family or most of it (my father was off on a business trip to Johto) confronting a Treecko. The little green geecko-like Pokémon had a strong tail used for bashing, and had skinny arms and legs that had hooked claws enabling him to crawl up and down walls. It was huddled in a corner as two of my brothers were preparing to jump it, my mother stood behind them with only a broom as her weapon while my youngest brother hid behind her.

Apparently, my mom was sweeping when she spotted the thing, and of course being the eldest I had become the terminator of the household.

I watched as my brothers were knocked away with two swift blows to the head, they had bumps the size of apples after be whacked by its tail. My family looked at it with disgust, I looked in awe, he was trapped, outnumbered yet he refuses to give in, I respected him.

My mother begged to differ, just as my mother swung the broom to squash the pokemon, I decided to be a hero.
Big mistake.

BONK!

Stars danced around my eyes as I stood protectively over the Treecko.

“Don’t kill it!” I protested. I could feel a welt grow on my head but my mother wasn’t exactly rushing to offer an apology.

“But its big eyes are creepy and it crawls all over the wall!” she argued.

“Oh come on, cut him some slack. Who knows green could be the color of the season.” Okay, I'm bad at jokes. “Look I’ll get rid of him, I’ll take him to the forest, okay?”

“Fine, but do it quickly.” she said as she marched off. My brothers –clutching their heads- followed her out of the room.

I checked up on the Treecko, wrapped up a cut on his upper left leg, and carried him outside of the house and towards the forest leading to Oldale town.

At the edge of the forest, I laid him down, looking at me in confusion. I felt awkward just leaving like that, so I decided to talk to him before I left.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye.”

I felt increasingly awkward.

“Nice meeting you, even if you did cost me half my brain cells” I said pointing to my head.
All he did was turn around and limp off on three legs. I watched him leave until I could see him no more.

………… Two days later …………

I was poking around my cereal that morning when my mom reminded me about me about my job at the Pokemart at Oldale town. I worked there part-time with my Uncle who owns the place, I go there twice a week and spend the night at his house. He calls it an “internship”, yeah right, just a way to get work done without a paycheck.

I left my family at the table discussing my dad’s return to get ready. I’d have to cross the forest to get Oldale, it was dangerous to go without a Pokémon but I had none so I had to muddle through alone.

I put on my regular black fleece over my blue jeans to get ready. I looked in my mirror to see my brown-haired green-eyed reflection staring back at me.

As I tied on my black shoes I thought about the weird events that kept occurring through the last couple of days, I keep hearing a weird rustling around me, I thought it was a Zigzagoon at first but its getting more frequent.

Anyway, I finished getting ready and after trying to tame my unruly hair, I headed to the forest. As I walked through I felt oddly jumpy so I began whistling in a vain attempt to calm myself down.
Bad idea.

Slowly, yet menacingly a pack of Poochyena emerged from the undergrowth, their backs arced and their hairs bristling they growled at me. I knew that if I ran away I would be killed, period. They were stronger and faster than I was, yet instinctively I ran away.

A blow to the small of my back sent me to the ground and at their mercy, yet just before they were going to pounce and make Pokechow out of me, a shadow slammed into the Pokémon, I immediately identified it as the Treecko! There he stood fighting them off , defending me, the old white cloth I used to wrap his wound was still there even though he was obviously healed.

“Watch out!” I yelled in warning.

The Treecko swiftly pounded the little Pokémon sending them scurrying off in dismay. He then turned to me, offering his tail in greeting. I shaked it in disbelief,

“You’ve been following me all this time?”

He nodded.

“Well you saved my life, so how about we hang out a bit? I’m heading towards Oldale town.”
In response, he climbed up my back clinging with his claws.

“Talk about hitching a ride.”

END OF CHAPTER ONE

------------------------

Credit to Ashy-Boy for the awesome sprite of Thabet!

 

[Safe]

Re: Twins of Fate

OK this is one of my first reviews so cut me some slack

Story 9/10:well its not perfect but its amazing in its own way and you can sense the writers humor

Characters 10/10: The characters are great especially the main character you can really relate to how his life is his siblings his mother his traveling father and also the professor and the lab aide I'm very excited to see the future characters as the story progresses

Originality 8/10: I can't say the story isn't original but it's very similar to real life experiences

Story layout 10/10: the way the writer lays out the sentences is great I think its the best way for a short story to be written in

Overall 9/10: judging by the first chapter this story it is obviously going to be great I can't wait for the next chapters

 

[Zekurom]

Re: Twins of Fate

Okay, the story itself seems well done, but you've got to get rid of the middle align.

As well, you should punctuate your dialogue correctly. You're missing punctuation marks at the end of some of those quotes.

But overall, I give you the same grade as S-Blade here. This has potential.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Thank you for the reviews guys I appreciate it, I will have the next chapter up today or tomorrow with the third soon after.
I am constantly editing the story so any feedback will VERY appreciated thank you.

 

[alster08]

Re: Twins of Fate

Now it is realy hard to read. Can you please double space your paragarphs. I really cant read it.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Thank you for pointing that out,I have changed it
Just remember this is my first Fanfic so this new territory for me.
As I mentioned before any feedback is appreciated they only help me improve
Thanks for the feedback

 

[Gama]

Re: Twins of Fate

I quite liked this story. It puts something of an original spin on the wake up, get give pokemon story. The idea of the internship is also quite a novel idea.

I didn't spot much wrong this, so I don't have much to say at this point other than it seems good!

I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling mistakes whatsoever and, as I said, the story was very interesting. I just hope you carry on with the originality that you've seized rather than taking an original introduction and following on into a mundane continuation.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

thank you for all the feedback,
I have written an ending and the villians are set, all thats left is to guide the story to that ending, this Chapter Two showing the first of two villians (or maybe not?) Anyway, without further ado here's Chapter two.

Chapter two: Its Rude to Stare

As me and my newfound friend stumbled through the woods, I began to think that maybe, just maybe if he wanted to come along, I could begin my journey, no need to ask professor Birch for anything. After all, I had begun thinking about leaving anyway, and finding some trainer to catch me a Zigzagoon or a Taillow. But with Treecko, I wouldn't need anybody's help
and I could start with one of my original choices of Pokémon.

A plan began to form in my head, I thought about supplies, items and a bag. I could get them from my uncle at the Pokemart, besides he kind of owed me after my "Internship".

""Uh Treecko, well I've been thinking , maybe you would like to tag along with me, I mean that well I leaving Littleroot, so…."

Treecko gave me a puzzled look, it was obvious he wanted an explanation.
I was at loss of words and was trying to come up with a way to ask him when suddenly,

BOOM! BANG!

A loud sound rocked the forest, apparently whoever or whatever made it didn't fear psychotic Poochyena because they weren't exactly quiet.

"Must be a Pokémon battle!" I whispered in excitement, I quickly followed the sound in search of its source. Little did I know it was much more than that.

In the middle of a clearing stood four figures shadowed by the trees. Two men, a Shroomish and a Pokémon I didn't recognize. Bruises and scratches decorated the round body of the Shroomish as it lay unmoving. The other Pokémon stood over it triumphantly, it had a short muddy brown body, and two thin clawed arms stemmed from the it. However, all this paled in comparison to the huge pincers emerging from its head.

One of the men lay on the ground at the other man's mercy, his white beard tangled from the strain of battle. The other man was a short and stocky with red hair. Even though he stood over the man menacingly, his eyes never spoke of evil. On the contrary they spoke of pain and suffering, this man had endured many hardships.

"You've lost, now fork over my money!" He yelled, a strain pleading traced is voice.

"I never wanted to battle you in the first place." The man pleaded, "Please!"

We stood there, hidden by the trees as we watched the spectacle before us in shock.

"Pinsir, come here. We have to persuade this nice man to pay his debts!" The red head called.

The Pokemon lumbered over to its victim and began strangling the man in its pincers.

"PIN-" Unlike its master, a tone of menace clouded its growl.

I wanted to help, but what could I do? I had no Pokémon, sure there was Treecko, but he wasn't mine, I couldn't risk his well-being on a whim. Then a part of me urged me to run, forget, nobody would know of my being in the first place. I was no Ash Ketchum with tons of Pokemon itching to fight.

I shifted my weight in indecision, and a twig broke under my weight, that’s when all hell broke loose. The man and his pet abomination stared in my direction.

Me and Treecko froze in fear.

"That boy has seen everything, get him!" he screamed, the Pinsir released his victim retching and came towards me.

"RUN!" I ran off as fast as my feet could carry me, as they burned from the sudden strain I felt like I could've given a Dodrio a run for its money. From the corner of my eye as I dashed by, I could glimpse Treecko swinging from tree to tree in earnest.

I thought I had lost them when something hard grasped my leg, it was the Pinsir! I had no idea how it caught me but I didn't ponder it. It began to put pressure, crushing my leg when Treecko swooped down from above smacking it hard on the eye. It howled, smarting from it wound it released my leg and began its assault on Treecko with one-minded rage.

Treecko dodged its every attack only to Pound it again, The Pokemon swatted at it as it rolled and hit again, despite his efforts, it managed to catch him and started to crush him between its pincers.

For some reason that made me angry, made my blood boil, with a running start I kicked it in the same injured eye. With yet another cry of pain it released Treecko as I picked him up in my arms.

The now one-eyed pokemon looked at me without focus, and I noticed the shadowy figure of the man running towards us, I realized I had no time left.

I looked around quickly, and a river caught my eye, it was swift with a fast current. I remembered a boy almost drowned there last year, yet without thinking, I held Treecko close and jumped in.

The man let out a angry scream as I was swept away by the river's relentless current….

END OF CHAPTER TWO

------------------------------------
Credit to Ashy-Boy for the awesome sprite of the villian!

 

[Gama]

Re: Twins of Fate

Wow. Nice chapter.

I really like this. I'm interested to find out more about this villain and this seems like this is going to be more than just a journey fic.

I know I'm just writing a journey fic myself but I do feel like they're a little bit generic. Anyway, I'm getting off track.

This sentence confused me:

"The men were a different story, as one of them was an old man with a white beard, the other was a short stocky man with unnaturally red hair, however, his eyes never spoke of evil. On the contrary they spoke of pain and suffering, this man had endured many hardships ."

The men were a different story to what? Pinsir? Each other? Not really clear. The word 'as' makes it sound as if one of the men being old makes the two men a different story to whatever they're a different story to! Why do you use the word however when saying that his eyes weren't evil? Does unnatural red hair make someone evil in your books? I don't know where you're from but round my ends I see a lot of girls with unnatural looking red hair and while many of them are skanky, I think evil might be a bit strong.

Anyway, just go over your work and try and imagine it from the perspective of a reader who can barely remember the first chapter, isn't familiar with your characters and has no idea what's going on or who these characters are. I find that helps with making things clearer.

I hope this helps.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Thank you very mch for pointing that out, I'll look over it and make adjustments.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against red heads I know some people who are red-heads and they are pretty nice guys.
Thank you for pointing that out.
Anyway, that whole paragraph you commented on will be revamped and will be (hopefully) much more clear.
This helped alot, thank you very much.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

To everyone reading this thread.
From now on if you see anything that may offend you in any way then please notify me.
Any mistakes are all by accident and not intended to offend anyone. I will now make sure my writings are revised to minimise these kind of stupid mistakes.
Thanks to Gastly's mama for showing me before it offended anymore people.

On a lighter note, I will have Chapter three up by this evening.
Once again I ask that you give me feedback to further my writing career.
Thanks everyone

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Summary (1+2)
This is not a substitute to reading the chapters, just a reminder for the new Chapter

Meet Thabet a sarcastic, proud boy yet one who can lose his temper. When he visits professor Birch for his first pokemon he finds out that he is on a vacation following a nasty incident with a Poocheyena, with his leave already delayed he heads back home. There he finds and saves a small Treecko from being killed by his family and returns it to the forest. Two days later while he's crossing the same forest heading towards Oldale town, he is attacked by a pack of Poocheyena. Thankfully the Treecko appears and saves him, returning the favor. The Treecko then decides to accompany him to Oldale town.

During Thabet and Treecko's trip to Oldale they hear a loud noise, thinking its a Pokemon battle they follow the sound only to witness a crime unfold before thier eyes! A man was being brutally tortured by a Pinsir and its trainer over some prize money! Not knowing what to do, Thabet accidently alerts the Trainer to his presence, and they are suddenly being chased by the two villians! Together, they fend off the Pinsir and make a daring escape into a coursing river.

What will happen to the partners? What is thier fate?

That will be answered in Chapter Three.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Chapter Three: Justice isn't Blind, its Deaf

"Oh come on, you've got to believe me!"

"Yeah right."

"Do I look like I'm lying?"

The policeman sized me up, he had a jelly doughnut all over his lap, his sprinkle covered mouth cracked a smirk.

"No, you look like you're crazy." He chuckled, his potbelly heaving up and down.

"Great, Thanks for nothing." I walked out of the crowded police station. "Jerk." I muttered under my breath.

I had managed to get out of the river a mile away from Oldale town, soaking wet and carrying Treecko I took him to the Pokémon center to check him up. After that, I went to the Oldale police station to tell them about my riveting experience with a freak and his Pinsir.

Oldale's finest just laughed, calling it a story good enough for the paper, seeing as the paper was a rag anyway, I had just secured myself a job as a writer.

The sun was setting over the mountaintops of Hoenn, I figured that there wasn't much left to do anyway, so I headed to my uncle's house to spend the night. After all, I was supposed to come and work at the Pokemart, anyway.

When got there I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, and it opened with a slight creak. My uncle's thin face peered from the door's crack, his eyes widened when he saw me and hurried to open the door.

"Where have you been?" He demanded, "I had to hire the kid next door to cover your shift, I had to pay twenty bucks! And WHY are you soaking wet!"

I gave him the I-don't-give-a-Ratatta's-ass look as I walked in. My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face and as you might have already guessed from his scolding, money is a priority on his list even though he's really a nice guy.

"I got caught up, and uh, fell in a river." I managed, I had decided against telling him about my day, seeing as I was in trouble already. "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I announced as I headed to my room.

I took off my clothes to dry off and got into bed, as I waited for sleep to overcome me, I thought about the man who didn't seem evil. Despite his actions I could tell, I could see it in his eyes, even though he didn't hesitate to try and kill me when he spotted us. Strangely enough, it was that Pinsir who haunted my dreams that night.

The Pinsir stood in front of me, a corpse lay behind it. I tried to look around it to indentify the victim, then I noticed to my horror that there was blood on its pincers. It was the killer.

"PIN-" it hissed angrily, it took a step towards me. It opened its pincers wide to accommodate me, to crush me , to kill me. "PINSIR!" It lunged.

"NO!" I woke up in cold sweat, I wasn't being crushed, I was in bed. I couldn't sleep for fear of its return.

During my sleepless night , I realized this man would surely hunt me down. He would kill me, I had seen something that I shouldn't have seen. He could be tracking me now, I would have to leave to protect those I loved. My only hope was to flee, become stronger and train, I would have to catch Pokémon, challenge gyms and defeat trainers, whatever it took. Only then I could remove him as a threat, If the authorities weren't going to help, than I would help myself.

It was a game of Magikarp and Meowth, I was the Magikarp. To save myself, I would have run until I evolve into Gyrados.

I was on the run.

The next day, I put on my dry clothes and went down stairs to find my uncle fixing breakfast,

"Morning, Thabet."

"Morning." Then I remembered about my decision to leave Littleroot, "I have been thinking, I've decided to leave. " I said nervously, I was expecting him to flip out as soon as I said that.

"Leaving?" He repeated.

"Yeah."

"Okay, your father called earlier, he wanted to talk to you." He said absentmindedly, I was surprised to hear that. "He wanted to make sure you get this."

I couldn't believe my ears, I was talking about leaving and he barely raises his eye to even question my motives. What's more is he laid a small white package on the table, it was wrapped beautifully with a red ribbon, a small tag read on it.

TO: THABET

FROM: YOUR OLD MAN

You are now old enough to make your own future. Here is something to help you do that.

I quickly ripped off the paper to uncover a device. It was all red and opened like a notepad in my palm, revealing a wide screen and a Pokeball-like button to scroll around.

"That won't work until you get your first Pokémon." My uncle reminded me

I recognized the device from a picture in a magazine, it was called a Pokedex. It was used to identify Pokémon and served as an ID for trainers during their various transactions. If I were to challenge a gym or participate in any official event I would need this.

I sat there drooling over my awesome gift when my uncle brought me back to Earth,

"You know, your dad isn't the only one who gives gifts here." He pulled out a brown backpack and handed it to me. It seemed big enough to fit a lot of supplies in it, yet small enough to be carried around easily, the bag also had many pockets to hold smaller items.

"These are your supplies. Consider it a salary after all this time." He told me as I opened the bag, it had everything in it. Pokeballs, potions, rope and even a some Repels.

I was at loss for words after receiving all these amazing gifts.

"We were waiting until you would tell us about your departure, I have kept this stuff so you could get them when you were ready." he smiled.

"You were expecting me to leave?"

"Of course, we didn't expect you to stay forever. After the delay to your journey last week we knew you would leave anytime, so we were ready." He said calmly. "Just make sure you call your mother before you leave, it was her idea you know."

"Okay, anyway I have to go see a friend." I said impatiently, I stuffed the Pokedex in my pocket as I turned to leave.

"Come back and visit when you get the chance!" he called as I left the house.

Deep down, I knew that wouldn't happen for some time.

Heaving my new bag, I rushed to the center to see my friend. Treecko was sitting up in his bed and was obviously bored with the center. He was glad to see me and offered his tail in greeting, he seemed much better. Then I remembered my proposition, my offer.

"Treecko, I'm leaving Littleroot, I mean Oldale at least and well, I was wondering if you would come with me as partners."

He stared at me, making me feel stupid. His eyes were boring into mine sizing me up, judging me. Then he closed his eyes and nodded.

"So its yes?" I asked in disbelief.

He nodded again.

I reached inside my bag and pulled out one of the six pokeballs that my uncle had given me and pressed the button in the middle, a bright beam shot out of the ball and hit Treecko.

In a flash of light, he was dissolved and sucked into the ball, tying our fates together.

END OF CHAPTER THREE

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: Twins of Fate

This is sefeniteley one of the best fics ive seen on here. I didnt really see any puncuation errors, and the spelling was great. To me, it was all original except for one thing, treeko being a starter. I like treeko, but since you wanted some advice/critesicm, i figured i's say that. Overall, 10/10

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Uh, wow.
Thanks a lot.
To tell you the truth, its these kind of responses that keep me writing.
Thank you is all I can say, I'm humbled.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Re: Twins of Fate

"Great, Thanks for nothing." I walked out of the crowded police station. (One paragraph)"Jerk." I muttered under my breath.

I had managed to get out of the river a mile away from Oldale town, soaking wet and carrying Treecko. I took him to the Pokémon center to check him up. After that, I went to the Oldale police station to tell them about my riveting experience with a freak and his Pinsir.

I gave him the I-don't-give-a-Ratatta's-ass look as I walked in. My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face and as you might have already guessed, money is a priority on his list even though he's really a nice guy.

1)I heard the "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" earlier....
2)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with money?
3)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with priorities?

"I got caught up, and uh, fell in a river." I managed. I had decided against telling him about my day, seeing as I was in trouble already. "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I announced as I headed to my room.

I took off my clothes to dry off and got into bed. As I waited for sleep to overcome me, I thought about the man who didn't seem evil, despite his actions. I could tell, I could see it in his eyes, even though he didn't hesitate to try and kill me when he spotted us. Strangely enough, it was that Pinsir who haunted my dreams that night.

Don't know about the rest of it.

"PIN-" it hissed angrily, it took a step towards me. It opened its pincers wide to accommodate me, to crush me , to kill me. (One paragraph)"PINSIR!" It lunged.

"NO!" I woke up in cold sweat. I wasn't being crushed. I was in bed. I couldn't sleep for fear of its return.

During my sleepless night, I realized this man would surely hunt me down. He would kill me. I had seen something that I shouldn't have seen. He could be tracking me now, I would have to leave to protect those I loved. My only hope was to flee, become stronger and train. I would have to catch Pokémon, challenge gyms and defeat trainers, whatever it took. Only then I could remove him as a threat. If the authorities weren't going to help, than I would help myself.

It was a game of Magikarp and Meowth, I was the Magikarp. To save myself, I would have run until I evolve into Gyrados.(One paragraph) I was on the run.

The next day, I put on my dry clothes and went down stairs to find my uncle fixing breakfast.

"Okay, your father called earlier, he wanted to talk to you." He said absentmindedly. I was surprised to hear that. "He wanted to make sure you get this."

I couldn't believe my ears. I was talking about leaving, and he barely raises his eye to even question my motives or when deleted. What's more is he laid a small white package on the table, it was wrapped beautifully with a red ribbon, a small tag read on it.

You are now old enough to make your own future. Here is something to help you do that.

I quickly ripped off the paper to uncover a device. It was all red and suddenly opened in my palm.

I recognized the device from a picture in a magazine. It was called a Pokedex. It was used to identify Pokémon and served as an ID for trainers during their various transactions. If I were to challenge a gym or participate in any official event, I would need this.

I sat there drooling over my awesome gift when my uncle brought me back to Earth.

"You know, your dad isn't the only one who gives gifts here you know is used once too many times; deleted." He pulled out a brown backpack that had pockets all over it and handed it to me. (One paragraph)"These are your supplies. Consider it a salary after all this time." He told me as I opened the bag. It had everything in it. Pokeballs, potions, rope and even a some Repels. I was at loss for words after receiving all these amazing gifts.

"We were waiting until you would tell us about your departure, so I have kept this stuff so you could get them when you were ready." He smiled.

"Well duh! We didn't expect you to stay forever. After the delay to your journey last week we knew you would leave anytime so we were ready" He said calmly. "Just make sure you call your mother before you leave, because it was her idea you know."

"Okay, anyway I have to go see a friend." I said impatiently. I stuffed the Pokedex in my pocket as I turned to leave.

"Come back and visit when you get the chance!" he called as I left the house. (One paragraph)Deep down, I knew that wouldn't happen for some time.

Heaving my new bag, I rushed to the center to see my friend. Treecko was sitting up in his bed and was obviously bored with the center. He was glad to see me and offered his tail in greeting. He seemed much better. Then I remembered my proposition, my offer.

I reached inside my bag and pulled out one of the six pokeballs that my uncle had given me and pressed the button in the middle. A bright beam shot out of the ball and hit Treecko. (one paragraph)In a flash of light, he (was deleted) dissolved and sucked into the ball, tying our fates together.at that very moment deleted

More description please!


I understand that this is your first fic, so it is vital that your mistakes are pointed out. Your character sounds like a Gary(Mary) Sue. Google "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and try it on your character. I give it a 7/10, but don't give up! I was a beginner once. Legacy, one of out most famous writers here on BMGf, started out just like us! I am by no means wanting to put you down. I just want you to succeed as a writer! I'll keep reading, so keep at it! I see potential in you. I am also by no means perfect. Keep at it, and you will get better.
I also wouldn't put a poll up top.

TGM
Fanfiction Reviewer​

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to point some mistakes in my story. It seems you really want to help. And like I mentioned before critism is welcomed and appreciated and this extremely helpful.

This may be my first Fanfic but not my first story
And while some of those corrections are justified, a lot them are not. I'm not trying to be the stubborn writer here but, let me show you.

1- The third quote is out of context. Read the paragraph before it. I mention that he's mad because he had to pay twenty bucks to a kid to cover the character's shift. Also in the first Chapter I mention he makes the character work for nothing, calling it an "Internship".

2- A lot of the sentences you said should be paragraphed have a different meaning. The first represents the thoughts, what he is struggling with. The other represents the conclusion of the thinking.

For instance: he's thinking about what to do, about the man. Then he draws the conclusion that he is on the
run from a criminal.

They also draw attention to that sentence. If I had put it in the paragraph, it would draw less attention, and could be skipped, especially when THAT sentence represents the key plot that drives the story. It was never random and there was a point behind it.

3- A lot of the sentences are very close in meaning, thats why I may use a comma rather than a period. To keep the meaning intact. While some -I admit- have to change.

As for the Mary Sue Litmus Test, I took it. My character has some tendencies yet is very original, they say at least. The coming chapters will also focus on orginality, too.

It's pretty obvious that you haven't read the past chapters and focused on the summary I wrote. Actually, it was to remind readers about the story and characters, not to be used as reference. A lot of details are missing. Read the first two chapters.

I am not random in my writing, I first draft on paper then to MS Word then I post it. After revising a couple of times. It isn't perfect though,I know.

I planned out the whole story, ending, characters and the villians so bear with me.

Anyway, I just want to thank you for taking that time and reading the story.
Thank you, I will continue writing taking all critism into account and I hopefully will become better in the future.

P.S. I want to remove the poll but I don't know how, any ideas?

Sincerly, Thabet

 

[Beth Pavell]

Re: Twins of Fate

Not bad, not bad at all. I love OC stories. The plot of this one is pretty good - original, but not trying too hard to be original. Your writing style isn't bad either, though I think it'd be worth forcing yourself to go over your works and iron it out a bit.

My only real criticism at this point is that it seems a little rushed. I'm aware that a lot of people like brevity in thier fics, but it is very much worth taking a little extra time to let events unfold - the incident with the Treeko, for example, or the Pinsir. Put yourself in the scene and try to imagine everything that you could do, or sense. I've tried that trick before, it seems to work

Tullio

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

Thank you for that review, I'm glad you like it. The originality as I've mentioned before will be taken care of in the future chapters.

Also you have brought up a important issue with the rush in the story, I've noticed, too. Thats why the next Chapter will talk about some details and especially the character's relationship with Treecko and the Pinsir's role in the story.

Thanks for the advice about reviewing my work and I'll defintaly do that, as soon as I get some time, I'm very busy lately.

Thank you for the review, and I'll make sure to use your advice.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Twins of Fate

I want to thank you guys for the feedback and critism. I have reviewed the story, fixed a few things here and there (typos and weak sentences) and also added discriptions for alot of things. So if you read it the first time or haven't read it yet, try the first three chapters. Review and comments are always welcome.
(If you haven't read my fic yet you may want to start with first three chapters)

The next chapter will talk about Thabet's sudden beginning to his journey and reveal one major fear of his.
So here goes nothing! Ladies and Gents, Chapter four.