TEEN: Different Eyes

[unrepentantAuthor]

Three things to address today!

The first is that the 2018 Summer Awards have ended, and Different Eyes was selected by a panel of judges as the winner of "Best Speculative Fic." Thanks to those who read this story and determined it as the best in its category, thanks to @lucarioknight56 and @WanderingKalosan for nominating DE, and thanks to my regular reviewers for fuelling my motivation!

Secondly, the story now has a wonderful bit of cover art by the fabulously talented and hard working @canisaries. Thanks once again, mate.

Thirdly: Welcome back, @Flaze, and thank you for reading and reviewing. Now that the awards are over and I've settled in to my new house, I feel I can properly reply to your feedback.

I actually forgot about this story’s past incarnation

No worries, I appreciate you giving it another go this time around.

I tend to try and avoid Pokemorph stories, if only because they don’t have the best of reputations.

I love the concept, but I'm first to admit most morph fics leave a lot to be desired. That's part of my motivation for writing DE — to write the proverbial good morph fic.

you do a good job of getting into Salem’s mind

Thanks, I put a lot of effort into this. It's always good to hear that readers had a good connection with Salem when she's only a cat.

it’s a bit heartbreaking when it passes to the next scene and Salem is all battered and beaten down.

Excellent, I want to twist people's heartstrings whenever possible! ;P

If there’s one point where I think this chapter falters is that we don’t get to see more of the care center

I suppose that's fair, but I didn't want to bloat my chapters too much and so I shunted a lot of that content to the next chapter, which I'm sorry to hear you found disappointing. There's something of a pacing concern at this early part of the story, and I don't want to fill up too much on anything that's not relevant to the major themes and plot points before morphs have been brought front stage.

I’d have to say that this one felt a lot more like an transition chapter to get us from the care center to the lab. The description here isn’t bad but it doesn’t flow as well

What I cared the most about in chapter three was demonstrating Salem's difficulties in forming relationships with other domestic pokémon, thus further justifying her decision to accompany Alisha. I admit it's a transitional chapter, but I hope that this, and the exhibition of pokémon intelligence & communication, at least came across amongst the transitional stuff.

I liked chapter 4 much more, particularly for how it builds up this feeling of uncertainty.

Ambiguity was absolutely what I was going for, I'm pleased to hear that Salem's naivety and the seriousness of the looming event don't come across either as strongly ominous or as without cause for concern.

I was afraid she’d be a cold scientist masking her intent with a smile

You're the second person to think that Alisha is a scientist. Where did you get that idea, may I ask? She's a recruitment agent who accompanies pokémon to morphing as a familiar face so that they don't panic. She has nothing to do with the morphing research or any medical procedure. I want to be sure that people get the right idea about her.

I particularly liked how you describe the feeling she had when crying the first time

Great, that was my favourite bit to write, and I'm delighted to have someone comment on it!

I think Different Eyes is just getting started, but we’ve gotten a pretty good look at Salem in this first arc. Overall it isn’t a bad thing, giving us a first arc that functions as an introduction to the characters and the world. I would like to see it in more detail moving forward without it necessarily having to be explained in outside notes though. Also, I hope that now that Salem is a hybrid we can get some more meaningful interactions between her and other characters and actually get to know other characters a little better.

The first arc is definitely an odd one. From here on, things will be very different. We're going to see Salem communicating, a stable location, and a network of characters with developing relationships. I hope that as I get into that, you stick around and enjoy it!

Thanks again for giving me your praise and your critique, I appreciate both. Hopefully the next chapter isn't too far away now!

 

[Ambyssin]

It occurs to me that I never actually commented on chapter 5. This is due to the fact that it was posted right near judging assignments and, after asking Aether, he suggested I hold off reviewing inelligible chapters until I had my assignments. And then judging started and this fell by the wayside. Of course, I didn't exactly do well, b/c I put in reviews for guidance while judging was still going on. But I'm here now. :V

I seem to recall way back in May/June we had a bit of a conversation about this chapter. And, yeah, I'm probably the wrong person to read this and give feedback on it, likely due to my thinking patterns and some of the underlying assumptions that this chapter leaves me with. I'm going to put those aside for the moment. Ultimately this is speculative fiction and this chapter exists for dramatization purposes, so willful suspension of disbelief needs to take a timeout. I'd say that, given the restrictions of the written medium, you do a good job at making Salem's thoughts feel jumbled and not entirely there. The fatigue and the general pain and soreness she experiences are spelled out pretty clearly. The descriptions of the actual medical devices she can feel is unsettling, which I think you were going for in that instance. Likewise, describing the gel tank adds to that surreal, "THIS IS NOT OKAY" sensation. And I consider that a good thing. I also like that there's a shift in description from purely what Salem is feeling to more thoughts gradually being added (via dreams) and then to an outright rush of thoughts once she's on the downward swing of the morphing process. I think it's a good set-up that helps signify the change she's going throught when POV restriction would otherwise make that difficult.

I'm going to spoiler this next part...

Spoiler

... the reason being that, you said I could bring up medical stuff, so I'm going to. But, I think that the chapter, on the whole, is a very good transitional one for the average reader that feels real in all of its confusion and disorientation. That said, some moments gave me pause. First are a couple of medical red-flags that, I'm afraid, threw me out of the chapter for a moment. And I wouldn't say that were you not touting your attempts to channel realism and a more grounded story. Since it was mentioned, I had that on my mind, and that did cloud my overall perception of the chapter. So, medical nitpicky stuff. Despite the anesthesia being apparently tapered off, it feels like Salem is far too cognisantly aware. Anesthesia doesn't just magically poof out of your system. It's a drug... with a half-life... that is slowly eliminated from the body. Her mind and her senses should not have been able to see and process what was going on with her in the tank and make out the people around her right away. It should've been gradual. Like, vision slowly gets less blurry, touch/pain receptors come back online, and then cognition slowly starts to return. I can say this having been put to sleep and having observed the same thing being done to animal models for research purposes. I do think that's what you were going for, but this might be a case where being a purely written media limits things. ^^;

Next off: I think you need to remove the tube in Salem's neck and handwave it off. As it stands, that should be a serious problem for her since she's waking up. In medical settings, any endotracheal tubes like that would be removed as soon as the patient gains voluntary movement in their neck muscles. And since Salem is moving her limbs about (another issue, because if she has lines and tubes stuck in them, one of the medics should be banging on the glass and getting her to stop ASAP), she's likely regained throat muscle movements since, in her situation, selective throat/respiratory muscle paralysis would be very difficult. Hell, even in anime, manga, and comics, you almost never see someone in a stasis tank with a tube in their neck. They simply have a breathing mask around their face.

Now, the one legitimate plot point I was confused with is why Salem has to start experiencing her new body while still in the tank. It's probably got something to do with the process not being done. But... uh... I kind of feel like it loses something given that she's still floating in the tank. Like, it's impacing all of her senses, so we don't get a good sense of what's going on. But more than that, she does something (puncture her hand) that should've had potentially fatal consequences! That isn't really hyperbole. In pricking her palm, water from the tank should've gotten in... and even the smallest amounts of foreign fluid could've (probably would've) created a dangerous situation. Given she's submerged, the wounds wouldn't have been able to clot normally anyway... assuming her clotting cascade is working properly from the morphing process. But the scene continues for quite awhile after that. It's odd... because, unless I misread, Salem is taken out of the tank multiple times during the process. So, I don't understand why this scene of her starting to experience her body can't happen during one of these periods outside the tank. I don't necessarily think you'd lose anything by putting her on a hospital bed. If anything, it could potentially give you some greater freedom to have Salem "explore" a bit more without the cumbersome restrictions of the tank. And then she goes back in once more for one last spurt of confusion or something.

It's only this last one that I feel could have a negative impact on the chapter for the average reader. The others are just things I had on my mind while reading. Given this is, essentially, a hospital scene, I couldn't help but think about that stuff and wonder why, in universe, more morph processes hadn't gone awry. On the whole, I really do think it's a solidly written chapter that's vivid and manages to do a good job selling the changes despite lacking any dialogue and being entirely reliant on prose and choppy thoughts.

Anyway, that aside, nice work on the art, canis. And congrats on your win! I look forward to seeing Mighty Morphing Salem in action. :V

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards review time! (Reviewer’s note: I have largely copied my review from the judging unedited and separated into the various categories, so things are mostly unedited and may be repetitive. My comments are largely focused on the characters as I think that is the area that requires the most feedback)

Best Speculative: Different Eyes

Different Eyes is a very interesting story. A Purrloin named Salem runs from home after feeling rejected by her trainer. After a month spent on the streets, she goes to a Pokémon shelter, gets bored, and decides to follow a mysterious woman with promises of a better life – that better life conveniently tying in with Salem’s dreams of becoming a human. As the entered chapters end, that dream has become a reality.

This is not a bad story by any means of the word. It is wonderfully written, with sharp, perceptive writing with flourishes of beauty and magic sprinkled through the prose. You do a good job of capturing the behaviours of a feline creature and for showing things from their perspective. It is perhaps a little too detailed and human-like, but that is offset by the more realistic aspects of Salem’s behaviours. They also do a good job capturing the natures of humans, even the ones who appear only briefly such as Jamie’s colleagues at the shelter.

However, I have an issue with the plot. It moves a little too swiftly in places and then very slowly in others. We spend more time in the Pokémon shelter getting introduced to this little world and being shown stories by the other Pokémon living there than we do at the research centre pre-transformation. A whole month’s worth of experience living on the streets is condensed into only a few paragraphs. The nexus of the plot is very convenient and a tad contrived; the trainer Salem has known all her life was a little rude to her, so she’s going to run away from home and somehow become a human? (I discuss this in more detail below) My main suggestions would be to cut back on some of the stuff at the shelter that doesn’t focus on the humans (more on that below), and maybe add more rationale for Salem to abandon her life as a pet – it just struck me as incredibly sudden, which is likely the intention, but it felt jarring.

Best Protagonist: Salem
I'll start off by noting that Salem is an interesting character. She is not a bad character. Indeed, she is actually a very good character. However, all her good parts are hampered by a story specifically tailored to unfold the way it does, thus preventing Salem from ever reaching her full potential.

Being a feline, she has to be written in a very particular way, and for the most part, you achieve that. She clearly feels like a cat rather than a person, both in terms of her speech, mannerisms, reactions and general behaviour. The first two chapters, where she goes from doting pet to alley cat struggling to survive, are a good shift and the differences in circumstance and behaviour are made clear, showing some depth to the character.

Her consistency is perhaps her strongest characteristic. She is shown to be strong willed, strong minded, bold, and very determined to achieve things her own way. This comes out most clearly in the fourth chapter as she explores the research centre and ignores any and all warning signs as she obsess over this dream that has been handed to her. She could be marked down for being so foolish, but it suits her character, it's consistent, and given that she is a Pokémon and not a human, there isn't as much harm done. I imagine the guilt or reconsidering will come later, but for what has been presented so far, Salem's one-track focus works for her and the story.

However, that is also one of her characters flaws. There are no major developments or changes, asides from the very physical and literal during the fifth chapter. She has one goal, even though she doesn't really know what that goal is or how she will achieve it, until someone comes along and conveniently helps her achieve it. If she wasn't able to escape and be taken to the research centre, her thoughts and goals would make little sense and serve no purpose being so obsessively thought over.

Which brings up the other major issue: her character is crafted to the plot. Everything she does is to advance her towards the research centre and her transformation, including doing things that can be a bit unbelievable or lacking in logic. Leaving her trainer and so stubbornly refusing to go home feels very contrived and when you actually dwell on it makes very little sense. You could argue she is off to chase this bold goal, but she has no idea how she plans to achieve it or if it is even possible; she just decides she wants this, and by very slim happenstance it is allowed to come true. Again, she is a Pokémon, and that has to be considered, but that's a thin excuse.

Salem is the driving force of the story, and your interest in the story is very dependent on whether or not you like her. I, for the most part, did. She is a little sassy, provides some solid jokes and one liners through her observations, and she has a strong personality to boot. Unfortunately, her personality stays the same for these submitted chapters and it is very dependent on the plot unfolding the way that it does.

As I said in my main story review, if we were a bit further along I think Salem's personality could be explored more. However, the story has unfolded both slowly and rapidly, taking several chapters to get to the research centre and then rushing through that whole process. A good character that will undoubtedly flourish with more work and time, so these criticisms have the potential to become entirely null and void.

Character Interaction: Salem and humans

Salem's interactions with humans are one of the key aspects of the stories. As a character who is straddling a fine line between being a Pokémon and being human, her interactions with the latter are what we see the most of. Salem rejects the idea of being a common Pokémon, and therefore ignores pretty much any Pokémon she comes across, whether it is her own species or not.

Instead, she craves human attention. Yet, she craves their attention as long as it aides her in both her goals and staying a Pokémon. She loves her train Laura, but rejects her the second she feels scorned. When she meets staff at the shelter, she is fairly obsequious and demands their affection, but very quickly rejects them when it becomes clear that they don’t know how to talk to Pokémon.

The key relationship we see is Alisha, the researcher Salem uses to help achieve her ill-considered goal of becoming a Pokémon. Yet Alisha is pretty much an archetype – friendly scientist at a mysterious corporation – and has only been seen in a rather two-dimensional light so far. Their relationship as of the most recent chapter is based on Salem wanting something from Alisha and sticking with her until she gets it.

Salem’s interactions are fine, but they also highlight the limits and flaws of these short chapters. With everything written conveniently so that Salem can go towards this goal she had no idea how to achieve until it is magically and conveniently presented to her, all her interactions are skewed by that light. Her old trainer Laura is mentioned often after Salem leaves her, suggesting a lingering fondness for her, but Salem still left her without really a second thought. She bonds briefly with Jamie at the shelter, but he is simply there to facilitate Salem for a few chapters before he too gets dumped.

They are not badly written interactions, and work in the context of the story, but most of these interactions are currently conveniently written to continue the plot. They don’t really add anything to Salem’s life, as she is simply focused on getting away from places or getting to goals rather than looking at the world around her.

Really, given that this is a story about how Salem wants to become human, it is a missed opportunity that she does not try and learn from the humans more. Instead, she rejects two of the shelter employees because they don’t treat her as Laura does, and despite being close-ish with Jamie, she merely abuses his affection and wants to be treated as superior. If you were to go back and edit the story, I would suggest adding more of her observations in and giving more depth to her desire to become a human.

Overall:
I think this story will really get going now that Salem has transformed, and I imagine the next chapters posted will dig into that aspect of the story. For what is currently here, I think we have a decent story that, with a little editing and some additions, could become a great or even brilliant one. For what is here, I feel the balance between prelude and the actual plot is skewed, with a lengthy wait to get to the main purpose of the story. Salem is also a mix of positives and flaws, and I think some light editing there would remove most of the little niggles surrounding here.

To clarify, I did enjoy reading this for the most part. You have a good style and a great imagination. Part of the strictness here does come naturally through the awards, but I think that the criticisms I raised are holding the story back from being the great psychological piece you seem to be aiming for.

 

[kintsugi]

aight it's time for some ketchup

Interlude I

oh shit this is a chapter about engineering-based technical writing i'm so sorry for all of the nitpicking that's about to unfold here.

This article describes Species Hybridisation Protocol in general terms. See sub-entry #C-122F-a for more information on the SHP development program

The retroviral agent, classified as HIRA

Hmmmm we could probably go into a lot of debates over which citation methods are best used in the pokemon-future-world, but traditionally if you drop acronyms in a scientific paper, you should drop the full name, define the acronym next to it, and then use the acronym.

This article describes Species Hybridisation Protocol (SHP) in general terms. See sub-entry #C-122F-a for more information on the SHP development program

Hretroviral Iretrovial Rretroviral Aretrovial (HIRA)

tada

SHP has several informal names among personnel, most commonly ‘morphing.’

I feel like, for robustness, they should also list the less common names here, or just say that the informal name is morphing. Otherwise it reads a bit empty.

The SHP necessarily cannot undergo a traditional public ethical review by a neutral organisation

Not sure what this sentence is saying. Most ethical reviews aren't public. All actual ethical reviews are conducted by a neutral party.

Operative Alisha Renadier was instrumental in securing the winning vote, having demonstrated to the representatives the high standard of care provided for hybrid subjects.

This is a sentence that feels like it's here for the reader, but not for the intended audience. The intro suggests that this is some sort of SHP-private, secure database, in which case it's really, really dumb (and also unnecessary) to list specifically which of your scientists was instrumental to swaying an ethics committee vote. This information simply isn't necessary to this report, and name-dropping is weird here since there are no other names mentioned. If I'm another SHP operative reading this, it really doesn't matter who was responsible for showing that the SHP program is safe, because the important thing in these conversations isn't the who; it's what she did to make the things safer + how SHP should continue emulating those practices to ensure that they don't become shittily unethical.

Also, this is a dumb as hell thing to put into a report if the margin was so narrow. It's basically asking the world to blame Alisha if anything goes wrong.

...this is definintely setup for the OG plot where Perihelion is secretly super corrupt and they publicly roast Alisha and this makes Salem go rogue with Flame and that sneasel pokemorph, right.

The first successful SHP procedures in 2006 were performed on embryonic subjects sustained in artificial wombs until birth. Some procedures used living surrogates to host the subjects, but this was not found to be practical.

An important clarification here is probably if the embryos are human or pokemon.

As a scientific writeup, it'd be useful to say why it wasn't practical -- purely so that others reading this can understand what was bad about living surrogates and why the switch to artifical wombs is superior.

The retroviral agent, classified as HIRA, introduces human genes to every cell in a subject’s body, then activates those genes and self-terminates on introduction of a trigger compound injected subsequently.

So this is basically the most important concept in this entire document, and it reads like a ninth grade biology textbook. I know this because this is actually almost what my ninth grade biology textbook had to say on retroviruses and plastids.

The problem was that even that textbook, which by far should be at a lower scientific caliber than this paper because it's meant for kids and not actual members of a group conducting experiments on sapient creatures, had a ton of explanation before and after for the background, reasoning, and importance of this single concept. Having this dangling sentence here is really, really weird from someone who's had to read a lot of papers -- to me, this screams "we have so little information on our methodology because we literally made up all the results."

which, okay, this could be elaborate foreshadowing for how the SHP program is super evil and WE'RE GONNA SEE MORE OF THAT SNEASEL MORPH, but even if that's the case, that opens up a lot more questions, addressed at the end of this section.

create modified organisms other than pokémorphs, such as highly productive, nutritious and disease-resistant crops

hold up. the universe that a) has grass-type pokemon who are basically walking GMO factories and b) has invented pokemorphs hasn't found a way to reverse engineer crops that resist diseae already? And that fixing food shortages is a secondary priority to making lesser supersoldiers?

This chapter has the veneer of technical writing. It's like looking at a watercolor painting of a person but the anatomy is all wrong; you can say "yup, that painting uses watercolors and it has the shape of a person", but you can't really say "that is a watercolor painting of a person". In this case, you use a lot of nouns that should be in a technical paper, and the raw structure is there, but it doesn't read like a technical paper.

There are two explanations I see for this: 1) that this is an intentional foreshadowing and SHP not having a single scientist who has ever had to submit a peer-reviewed article is actually indicative of the quality of their scientists or 2) there's some more research that could be done here/you don't have the morphing methodology fleshed out in full, and the idea here is to spread just enough material over the gap that people don't see what's beneath. Unpacking these individually:

1) Intentional foreshadowing -- if that's the case, I honestly don't have much else to say here. Good shit; I'd definitely buy that these people aren't real scientists and this is a big PR thing for if anyone cracks the SHP servers and they've just ironed on a Perihelion patch over their Team Rocket logos. Ignore the rest of this; many apologies.

2) Technical writing is a different beast.
Which it totally is! I've spent like three-ish years dabbling in engineering-based academia and I honestly will stick to reading the cool robot papers that interest me and little else. Authoring a paper with technical rigor is fucking hard. There will always be a bigger fish to rip apart your structure anyway, but I guess these are the lessons that I've learned. I hope it helps with the tonal consistency.

My main qualm is that this reads like creative writing, not technical writing. There's no sense of rigor. There are a lot of sentences I flagged earlier as "okay, but why/how did they do this". It boils down to the fact that creative writing and technical writing strive for two different things. Creative writing thrives on telling you a lot of "what's" and letting the reader intuit the motivations/results behind them. That's the whole gist of "show, don't tell". You work on making increasingly creative descriptions that mimic someone's perception of reality as much as possible to try to capture the experience of being in that story (which, side note, you do a fantastic job of in chapter five). The sign of good creative writing is when you've made your readers feel an emotion and they can't really pinpoint how you've done it, but it feels real.

Current SHP procedures are performed on living, developmentally mature pokémon using new techniques in genome editing, the most important of which is the use of synthetic retroviruses. The retroviral agent, classified as HIRA, introduces human genes to every cell in a subject’s body, then activates those genes and self-terminates on introduction of a trigger compound injected subsequently. G2 subjects have a high survival rate, rarely acquire medical complications, and experience heightened neuroplasticity for some time after the procedure. The latter effect is of significant utility in allowing new subjects to acquire language and skills at an accelerated rate for as long as six months after the procedure. The G2 process is also dramatically more economical than G1, but still has some drawbacks, particularly the difficulty in acquiring suitable pokémon subjects and the need for intensive life support while they undergo the physical transformation. Additionally, there are many pokémon species unable to undergo the G2 procedure.

This paragraph could be a paper in itself. Seeing as that's really boring for an actual fanfic and you've still got to bridge the gap between a technical paper that's informative and interesting to read for non-technical readers, the best way you can emulate technical writing without adding six pages of equations and works cited is to emulate the tone.

Technical writing is spiritually the opposite of creative writing. It's kind of soulless. Every word is important; you don't waste anything on "many"/"most"/"some"; everything is defined. How the reader feels is irrelevant. The "what" of what happened is important, but equally important are the "why" and the "how". There's no beauty in trying to have the reader guess why/how you did something because a good paper should make sure that it's blatantly stated (in as few words as possible). The alternative is that someone else has to re-validate your results, and this wastes precious precious grant money (and grad student time, but that's an easy commodity).

In the paragraph you quoted above, let's work through what each sentence does:
1. Background and information -- "what"
2. The literal thesis of this entire paragraph -- "what"
3. Effects of HIRA -- "what"
4. More side effects of HIRA -- "what"
5. Cursory attempts at comparison between G1 and G2 -- "what"
6. Some subjects aren't suitable -- "what"
As a creative paragraph, this is good -- you get a lot of information out without blatantly telling the reader anything. There's plenty of room to read between the lines.

Scientists don't like reading between the lines. Reading between the lines is how you accidentally make the Hubble's main mirror in millimeters instead of inches and you have to launch another rocket into freaking space to fix some fool's unit conventions.

And then, on a micro level, I think the last sentence here really sums the tonal stuff up -- it's not the only sentence that does this, but it's the most blatant:

Additionally, there are many pokémon species unable to undergo the G2 procedure.

This sentence really doesn't say anything. Many pokemon can't do G2. How many is many? Why are there many when it seems like simple genome editing? I don't even understand the full procedure, but it'd sure be helpful as a reader of this paper to know which pokemon I can inject HIRA into and expect a human, and what will happen to the ones that are incompatible, why that's happening, and what the next steps to not have that happen would be.

I guess, tl;dr: if you're gonna switch genres, be very, very careful with how you switch genres

Five

Dropped a line break between "She would speak forever" and "She dreamed of speaking to Laura." The rest of this chapter is grammatically flawless; gg.

This chatper is great. It's smooth like butter, and it goes through the disoriented nature of Salem's thoughts perfectly. I like how well you integrate the whirlwind of experiences that she's having with the little bits of her that are still her -- she wants to fit in pillows and use her lips yet is afraid for her new body being too big too hug or too clumsy to pokesign. It's raw and genuine, and I think it works really, really well. It's clean, attention-grabbing, and sleek. I'm curious to see how you'll pay-up on that "her brain is different and she's gonna think differently now". That last line is really fucking good.

Lots of fantastic stuff here.

And like, I guess in comparison to the interlude -- there's objectively a ton more science going on behind the scenes in this chapter. But the beauty here is that you aren't framing it from the point of view of someone who's supposed to know what's going on, so it's perfectly reasonable that you can skip any logical explanation because I mean she's a fucking cat lol. Like, sure, there should be a lot of questions for why getting your cells modified a bit also inherits the muscle memory necessary for forming accurate phonemes, but the why and how aren't the point of the chapter here; it's the what. And that's totally fine, and in this chapter it works beautifully -- when you're focused on telling a story, not a science.

I hope there's a jumbled but useful iota of feedback in there for you, somewhere. :')

 

[Persephone]

Hey. I read this for the awards. Been busy with grad school ever since, so just getting to this.

Going to be completely upfront: I come at this from two core perspectives. 1) I write xenofiction. 2) I'm transgender. So this type of story will kind of naturally repulse or captivate me and... it did both, at different times. I want to split this review into three parts, not necessarily on the Characters but on the chapter groupings.

Chapters 1-4:

This is all well written and what not but, I keep coming back to one problem kind of repeatedly.

Salem is a cat. She behaves p much like the internet video version of a cat. This is briefly very interesting. And then it kind of wears on because... Salem is a cat who wants to be human and that's all I can say about her. She doesn't really have any personality I couldn't glean from either the story's first sentence or a youtube compilation of cat videos. There's nothing about the character to really learn. And while she has a goal, becoming human, it is literally impossible for her to accomplish right until it isn't. And that bit is largely out of her control. What I'm getting at is that Salem being a generic cat with no goals, personality or agency outside of that description is kind of grating.

Which brings me to Salem/Humanity.

Every single character, from her first trainer to the tom to people at the institute, are not real people to Salem. They are means to her ends that she can (and does) abandon the moment she starts feeling at all unsatisfied. She has no real relationships in the entire story. This makes it hard to really have stakes or connections or flesh out other characters, and since Salem's not very deep herself... it's a struggle.

Interlude 1

I liked it. I sort of agree with kints that it could be more technical, but that's not really a language that's easily learned so I'm more forgiving.

Chapter 5

This is why I endorsed it for category winner. It has trippy changing consciousness stuff, great imagery, etc. Maybe the best single chapter on site. It's kind of hard to put words to why I love it so much this long after reading it, but it just... felt right, I guess. It was a chapter that very easily could've fallen apart and it didn't. And since it looks like this kind of thing is going to be the norm from here on, I'm really excited about the story.

Overall

So, on the whole, I would advise trimming the first few chapters. At present it's looking like, outside of why she wants to be human (something established from the first chapter), they won't have much at all to do with the rest of the story anyway. Tbh I might just skip from her running away to getting caught up by the institute or something and not dwell on the Salem as a Cat parts.

Failing that, give her hobbies or connections or personality traits or... anything that defies the standard internet cat trope bag.

I'll be back with the next chapter (or whenever after it's posted that I get free time).

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

@Ambyssin, @AceTrainer14, @kintsugi, @Persephone, thank you all for your reviews. Please excuse my embarrassingly long delay in getting a reply written, I've found myself in full time employment and spreading my limited spare time between all my hobbies and social circles to the best of my ability. I'd hoped to have chapter 6 ready some time ago, but once I landed this job, I found myself lacking the occasion and energy to work on DE often. I've not given up! I'm just taking it slowly.

Amby:
I appreciate your praise for the 'mood' of chapter five, and I understand your reservations about the medical content. I'm not sure I can address those concerns in a satisfactory way, but when I turn my attention to revision of this chapter, I'll give them some serious thought. The 'neck tube' is intended to be part of the heart and lung bypass setup, perhaps the 'neck' placement is my misunderstanding! I may have to eliminate the self-injury bit, but then again I can probably... just... get away with it. As for going in and out of the tank — I meant for that to be dream stuff. I'll clear it up in revision, or do as you suggested and have her take multiple dips. Thanks again for your encouragement, I'm glad there was enough for you to enjoy!

Ace:
Thank you for being so kind as to describe my prose as "wonderful!" I have been insecure about my style and voice, and it's thrilling to receive such praise. I'm also going to give serious consideration to your comments about the variable pace of the plot, because I have had my own concerns about that.
However, I'm worried about your interpretation of Salem's motivations. You describe her impulse to abandon her life as a pet because Laura was 'a little rude to her'. The key scene in which Salem makes that decision stresses that Salem sees less and less of Laura as she continues her education, leaving Salem alone in the house for the majority of the day, and she's now been told that Laura is about to leave home and see her only a handful of days a year. Earlier in the chapter she displays a kind of animal stereotypy; the repetitive pacing/grooming/scratching she does is an indicator of stress due to lack of social stimulation. She's desperately lonely, and it's about to get much, much worse. I'll do what I can to clear this matter up for you and the other readers who've interpreted the first chapter this way, but I'm a little startled that anyone has got the impression that Salem's motivation to leave was insufficient.
The criticism that Salem's goal and the plot align in a contrived way is very fair. I've been giving this issue some thought, but I think it may be a requirement of the story. I'm open to suggestions, of course. One approach I've been considering is reorganising the story so that it's achronological, and Salem's present and past are shown in alternation. This might let me soften the contrivance while letting off the pressure of getting to the morphs already that I've felt these past few chapters.
I'm also surprised that you've called Alisha a 'scientist'. Alisha is no such thing, and I'll have to avoid giving that impression on revision. Still, can you tell me what gave you that idea about her? Because I need to fix that.
Thanks as well for your comments towards the end of your review, they are exactly the call to improvement which I find most motivating. I very much hope not to disappoint in my efforts to do exactly as you've hoped for.

Kint:
Oh man, your criticism of Interlude I is... rigorous. The interlude has to be the exactly appropriate register, so this is actually very useful. Thank you so much for shredding me! :'D I'll either do a better job next time of meeting the technical standard you've identified, or write a slightly different kind of report. I mean, the idea was that this is a staff wiki and not a peer reviewed paper, which you seem to be thinking. If there's a mismatch between expectation and content, that's still a problem for me to fix.
Your praise for chapter five, as effusively positive as your interlude feedback was critical, leaves me glowing. Thank you so much for your words — I really do feel proud of my work here. Since you were such a fan: do you think it could work as an opening chapter if I were to make the story achronological?

Persephone:
Thanks for reviewing, it is genuinely exciting to receive the perspective of a trans xenofic writer. (Although none of the characters appearing so far are trans or sufferers of dysphoria, I admit the thematic overlap between narratives concerning both personal transformation & morphological fulfilment.) If I can maintain your readership, I'll be sure to listen carefully to your feedback.
I have to say, I'm stunned that you have such a high consideration of Chapter Five. Don't get me wrong, I'm very pleased with it, but that's lofty acclaim. I appreciate it, thank you.
However — and I don't mean to throw up a wall, here — I'm not sure I really buy your twin criticisms that Salem has no goals, and that the people around her are merely a means to an end.
In terms of goals, most prominently, Salem wants: Laura to guarantee that they'll continue spending time together while she attends uni, to not be cold and starving while also not giving up the conceit that she's not dependent on others, to bond with humans & pokémon at the shelter at the same level of communicative sophistication as she's used to, to be allowed to stay at the shelter without Jamie trying to send her back home, to meet other 'misfit' pokémon and have a community, and the overall goal to be human or human-like (which itself is a means to the end of having highly communicative relationships).
Regarding relationships, it is rather the point in these early chapters that Salem had an unusually stimulating and respectful relationship with Laura until Laura decided to move out and leave Salem behind, and every attempt at a connection since then has been lacking somehow, either in ability to converse or in the amount of agency Salem is permitted. Alisha is the closest thing to the ideal so far.

If that clears it up for you I can rest easy, but if you feel that none of this comes across strongly enough then it looks like I have some work to do on that front. Oof.
Also related: Salem does have hobbies and non-standard behaviours (fixation on documentaries, longstanding attempts to speak English words, the use of sign language) and she certainly is a non-anthropomorphic cat for the most part so far, but if she's not presenting a distinct personality to all my readers, I need to make some changes.
I have been strongly considering reorganising the story so that it's achronological, and balances morph-Salem and cat-Salem alternately, providing background while also starting out with some content with stronger plot and with Salem able to actually talk to people. Do you have any thoughts on whether this might alleviate the problems you found in the story as-is?

To all of you, thank you for your reviews and for your patience. I'm sorry to have left it so long to reply to everybody, I've had a hell of a time these past few months. I'm now in full time employment, and simply don't have the excess of free time that I used to. Nevertheless, I will be continuing to work on Different Eyes and I hope to keep all of you along for the ride as readers if I can possibly help it! All the best to all of you.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Very delayed response but I was scrolling past and realised I had not replied!

I'll do what I can to clear this matter up for you and the other readers who've interpreted the first chapter this way, but I'm a little startled that anyone has got the impression that Salem's motivation to leave was insufficient.

I was referring to this scene:

‘Leave me alone,’ Laura had said.

She had never said that before.

So Salem left her alone.

She slunk out of the room, went out the flap into the back garden, and left Laura behind. She could never quite explain why, only that she couldn’t stay after that, and that she couldn’t go back even when she was desperate for tinned food and packets of treats.

She may have motivations, but they aren't made clear. It is portrayed as a snap decision made in the heat of the moment. There's not really any consideration or contemplation, just 'Well, goodbye then'. It felt like a scene from a rom-com where the couple have a falling out because someone saw the other hug someone from afar - they assumed it was the lover but it was really their sister/brother/cousin and they fell out over nothing. The way that scene is written, Salem seems to go 'She's told me to leave her alone, so screw her, I will!' and off she trots. It is perhaps realistic for a Pokemon, but it comes across as weightless in the story. I think all it needs is here evaluating the situation and/or some of her emotions at abandoning her coming through. I think I mentioned how Salem seems quite snobby - the way she coldly leaves without appearing that moved is one element of that.

I'm also surprised that you've called Alisha a 'scientist'. Alisha is no such thing, and I'll have to avoid giving that impression on revision. Still, can you tell me what gave you that idea about her? Because I need to fix that.

Perhaps I misread. Her role just didn't strike me as being something non-scientific, given the setting and the way she behaved. If there was meant to be an explanation of her role or her role was meant to be hugely different to that of a scientist, it must not have left an impression.

In terms of the plot, I think portraying things as a flashback more might work. I think the short time span is one of the main reasons it feels contrived; we are told she's been in the wild for a few weeks, but we just jump-cut straight there from the last chapter, and then the pound scenes unfold in about two or three days. Maybe Alisha could show up beforehand, foreshadowing her role and making Salem think she can trust her, rather than just going "She said experiment/change, she is the goal to me evolving!" Really, the main contrived thing is that Salem has this desire to become human and then that's what she gets very easily. If she misremembers her desire or that element is played down or misunderstood until she gets to the clinic, it would make more sense and wouldn't seem quite as obvious.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

She may have motivations, but they aren't made clear. It is portrayed as a snap decision made in the heat of the moment. There's not really any consideration or contemplation, just 'Well, goodbye then'.

I believe there's quite a lot of buildup, touching on Salem's stress and loneliness at home, the loss of her dream, her inability to communicate her needs. If you could suggest to me how I might have linked the following text more explicitly to Salem's decision to leave, that would be helpful to me.

Laura didn’t come home that day until much later than she was supposed to. This was happening more and more often each moon, and she already came home later than she used to. [...] by late afternoon she was restless. Restless Salem would pace through the house in endless loops, groom herself and groom herself again, and scratch doors and furniture over and over until her claws hurt.

Of course, nobody was around to see her behave like this, and her claw-marks were indistinguishable from years of previous gashes.

[...] She didn’t know how to ask “but what about our adventure? Why are you doing this and not that?” so she just signed [TRAINER] in desperation, mimicking the overarm throw that humans used to release a pokémon from their ball at range.

“What? Trainer? No, Salem, sweetheart.” Laura brushed her dark hair from her face, which she always did when saying something important, and gently stroked Salem’s cheek fur, which she always did when was about to disappoint her. “I’m not going to be a trainer.
[...]
Those playground battles we had with other kids never meant we were going to travel the world doing it seriously. You never even learnt any good moves!
[...]
She didn’t understand why Laura didn’t care, didn’t want this, didn’t yearn for their shared adventure the way she always had.

She signed helplessly, every piece of communication a continuous struggle.
[...]
she tried to ask something else — [I COME WITH YOU?] — not difficult to sign, but difficult for her to ask with her hopes so recently discarded.

“Salem, pokémon aren’t allowed in halls, honey. I might have roommates that don’t want pokémon around. [...] You’ll have to stay home. I’m sorry, kitty.”

[...] Laura already spent so much time with friends without Salem, now Salem would always be without Laura.

She tried to ask if she would see Laura — if there would be visits — and miaowed her general distress.
[...]
“Every year, yes! Don’t worry, I’ll come back!”

But not every day. Not enough to stop Salem pacing and grooming and scratching for days on days on days.

It was hopeless.

No worries, though, I can make my own attempts when the time comes for revision.

Her role just didn't strike me as being something non-scientific, given the setting and the way she behaved. If there was meant to be an explanation of her role or her role was meant to be hugely different to that of a scientist, it must not have left an impression.

Her role is to recruit pokémon who might suitable for the morphing program and ferry them to the facility, where she also provides support and guidance while they handle the difficult parts of the process. At no point does she participate in a scientific task. I'd consider this a peculiar outlier, except that you're not the only person to have received this impression. I might add an explicit explanation of her role in future revisions.

In terms of the plot, I think portraying things as a flashback more might work. I think the short time span is one of the main reasons it feels contrived; we are told she's been in the wild for a few weeks, but we just jump-cut straight there from the last chapter, and then the pound scenes unfold in about two or three days. Maybe Alisha could show up beforehand, foreshadowing her role and making Salem think she can trust her, rather than just going "She said experiment/change, she is the goal to me evolving!" Really, the main contrived thing is that Salem has this desire to become human and then that's what she gets very easily. If she misremembers her desire or that element is played down or misunderstood until she gets to the clinic, it would make more sense and wouldn't seem quite as obvious.

This is very helpful information, thank you. It corroborates what I've been suspecting; that the linear flow of the story forces me either to delay the morph-relevant content intolerably, have contrived pacing, or both, depending on reader perspectives. I will continue writing as best I can given the condition of the story, but future revisions will certainly fix this issue.

 

[AceTrainer14]

If you could suggest to me how I might have linked the following text more explicitly to Salem's decision to leave, that would be helpful to me

As I said in the last comment, it was more that the scene of her leaving was sudden. Yes, the opening chapter documents her stress and loneliness, but when it comes time to leave, it's just that - she leaves. It's not presented with any commentary, she makes a decision and goes. All the build up is all well and good, and was clear while reading, but when Salem decides to leave, it's written in a very flippant and sudden way. I can get the dramatic intention, but it's too brief and shallow to work, in my opinion, in what is a largely character focused thing. I don't think you need to 'link' back to the earlier comments, but I think it needs more than "She had never said that before. / So Salem left her alone" to signify these gigantic, life altering decision.

I'd consider this a peculiar outlier, except that you're not the only person to have received this impression.

The fact her role isn't made explicit and there is no one else introduced in as much detail who is an actual scientist to fill that void. If she had someone else to bounce off and seem subservient too, it would make the confusion (which, personally, I don't consider much of a hassle but it does seem to be bothering you) clearer and could make Alisha seem more trustworthy and approachable.

 

[canisaries]

Hi! Today I found myself feeling kind of adventurous, so I decided to finally check out the prologue of this. Works great as an impromptu Christmas gift, too.

This is a story about pokémon who become people.

This whole opening is a pretty unique way to start off a story. I do like it a lot when prologues are their own thing rather than just a short Chapter Zero.

The second kind are creatures of inscrutable energy, which have been called magical beasts, fae, daemons, yokai, and in our generation, ‘pokémon.’

Man yokai makes so much sense. A one-eyed umbrella hopping around is basically a pokémon in all but name, anyway.

It will soon become clear that a third kind now exists.

iunno bud imma say it's like two and a halfth at best

There is now no symbol more widely recognised in this world than the pokéball.

If we're going with a "logo, but not necessarily commercial" type of definition for symbol, I can certainly buy this as being the case for the pokémon world. The line between "symbol" and "drawing" is otherwise somewhat blurred, though - stretching the definition of symbol, we could include something like stick figures or smiley faces, that the human brain can recognize without specific teaching, and no image can really be more widely recognized than that. (Unless we consider recognition from non-human lifeforms as well, and find something primal we have in common. Perhaps an eye? Butterflies sure take advantage of that.)

But either way: in real life, the most recognized symbol is said to be the cross, and Christianity certainly isn't as prevalent in the pokéworld as it is in ours, so something as widely utilized as pokéballs tend to be makes sense to take the number one spot. After all, despite many headcanons, you barely see the wheel of Arceus anywhere.

Moreover, that our physical forms are fundamentally incompatible, with no likeness between our DNA. This perspective is unsupported by modern research, but it persists nonetheless, perhaps because people are uncomfortable believing otherwise.

I'm a bit unclear on what with no likeness between our DNA exactly means here. Is this just hyperbolic talk for "humans and pokémon can't interbreed naturally", or is this actually meant to be taken more literally, as in, pokémon have a completely different ancestor from all eukaryotes? I mean, "no likeness" already has to be some degree of false, as the fact that both are DNA means they're both deoxyribonucleic acid, which is the case for all (currently known) living things (and nature's malware, viruses). Sorry, I'm a nerd. But I know you are too. ;p

You may have heard rumours that in 1996, a hybrid was created by researchers in the private sector. Using genetic material from an uncatalogued pokémon species retrieved in the Guyanese Amazon, combined with the DNA of humans and other pokémon, a new kind of creature with the intellect of a human and the power of a pokémon was given life, not naturally, but through technology. This being, according to urban legend, soon destroyed its creators, and their research with them, before vanishing forever.

Man Mewtwo is such bad PR for this whole concept.

Only, they are no longer being cloned from fossilised DNA.

I think we missed something important here? Why would fossilized DNA be used of all things, when it's pretty rare to come by and practically always incomplete? Are they using the genes of some missing link? I kinda feel like if the guy has time to explain what pokémon are, he could give a minor refresher on whatever concept is being utilized here.

As the following paragraph focuses on the process of morphing a specimen during its lifespan, I'm considering that this was just a case of an ill-fitting descriptor and you meant something like "extracted".

Or you took the extra step and made the business guy purposefully use bullshit terminology, because that happens far too often.

Most people believe that only humans are gifted with sophisticated consciousness: abstract thought, creativity and complex language.

So I take it that you took the Pokédex entries for Alakazam and the like and threw them in the trash? Good. That's where most entries belong.

General Comments

Right, so I didn't expect to really go head over heels a introduction of morphing, as you know I'm a bit iffy on some related concepts - and I didn't, but I certainly didn't dislike it as the worst case may have been. A great quality of this prologue is its compactness. The concept of morphing is explained right out the gate, and already a kind of image for the world is established. (Which seems to be a mix of the real one and the pokémon one, with animals and real life locations present?) Also foreshadowed is the general public's rejection of the concept of morphing, something which no doubt the protagonist will later on have to deal with.

There's something that is kind of questionable, and that's the fact that this really doesn't sound convincing from a business standpoint. I'm guessing they're ultimately in it for the profit, given drinking wine during a presentation isn't considered very acceptable behavior in scientific circles (or they lied to me at uni). I do suppose that this is only an excerpt of the speech, but it appears to be the start, and the benefits of a proposal should be brought forth as soon as possible.

In the excerpt, really the only reasoning for this being done is "because we can". It's said that pokémon would love it, but it doesn't currently look like pokémon would own money. I don't know, I just never got the "because science" approach. Maybe it just doesn't appeal to me personally.

Anyway, I'm mostly excited to get to read about Salem next and get a more grass-roots-level viewpoint. I don't know when exactly I'll read on, but I definitely will.

 

[namohysip]

Hey there! You’re one my gift exchange review people! So, I’m gonna take a look at this! Ideally, I’d read the whole thing (it’s only five chapters) but time restricting, I want to at least get the first chapter and the prelude taken care of. I know very little about this fic beyond the cover page and some basic descriptions. That being said, the first sentence takes care of this nicely. And as is tradition, I’ll be looking a bit in depth at the first parts of this work in particular.

This is a story about pokémon who become people.

So, this is probably the first time I’ve read something on these forums where I’m totally neutral about the first line. It’s not really eye catching, but it’s not something that makes me want to move on, either. It’s a safe start. That’s probably a good thing, though I more or less got the same idea as the premise post.


Continuing through, I’m not really sure if this is an author’s note or who is really “talking” to me here. The ambiguity is intriguing… but also a strange approach.

The name on the little stand resting on the end of the table is “Ewan T. Moore.” You’ll learn about him later. The title page of his presentation reads “Species Hybridisation Protocol.” You’ll know what that means later, too.

I don’t really know about this for an opening. It’s too authors’ note-ish, and I generally prefer that to be something that happens at the end of the first part, rather than the start. Even though it’s not a true author’s note, heh… Okay. Enough nitpicking on this detail. I’m still interested. I feel like it isn’t necessary to tell me that I’d eventually learn what those things would be—it’s implied well enough, isn’t it?


So, this was an interesting prelude. We have ties into what I’m pretty sure is Mewtwo’s lore, and now we have how that is being expanded upon for this story. I think that’s a really strong way to set up the premise, even though I’m pretty familiar with the concept of a Pokemorph at this point. The last line has me intrigued as well. It isn’t particularly strong, but it does beg a good question that I’m hoping will be answered soon—what Pokémon wouldn’t? And why? Is that going to be our protagonist, or will the protagonist learn that perhaps that’s not what they wanted? Mm… well. Time to find out.


Chapters 1-3

The next few chapters were a bit slow and repetitive, in a way. The first two chapters helped with world building and exposition, that was for sure. You made it very clear that Pokémon in this world communicate by sign language, and in general it seems that some have a higher intellect than others, or at least have an easier time speaking, and their ‘accent’ in sign language can go anywhere from simple to sophisticated. I thought that of everything here, you did very well in expressing these different levels of intelligences and their ability to comprehend humans, to an extent. You also did well in depicting Salem’s nonhuman instincts, even if for the most part she is very humanlike—I’m sure she’d take that as a hefty compliment, heh.


Unfortunately, I feel like the three chapters got a bit repetitive the longer they went on. It was nice to read about Salem exploring the Pokémon shelter, but from the point where she slept for her first night at the shelter to the point where she was devising a means to escape, it felt like a lot of little happened. Part of the reason might be because the prose is very summary-heavy, due in part to the fact that Salem can barely communicate. I was rarely able to latch onto a scene and really feel like I was there with them. The prose is very distant and scenes that swept across a room felt nebulous.


I do like the way that Salem thinks, though. We’re very much in her head, though not entirely. We know what Jamie is saying, even though Salem does not when he speaks fast or in too complex a way for her to understand. It’s a bit of an odd disconnect in the narrative, where the narration is strongly within Salem’s mind for the most part, but the dialogue is something we, the reader, understand, but not always for Salem. I imagine this is due in part to the premise, that these Act 1 chapters are somewhat Salem reflecting back to when she was “not human,” so in retrospect she now understood what was being said.

“Well, that zorua got her wish, eventually. That’s what we’re doing for the pokémon who agree to our offer. We’re making them human.”

And here’s our turning point at the end of the act, it seems. This was an interesting chapter in that I’m glad that we’re finally getting to the actual premise of the story, but it was odd because the way it’s suddenly thrown onto Salem was surprisingly… fast! Alisha seemed to know exactly what Salem wanted before even really talking to her, and then she drops that bomb during the car ride. Takes it all in stride very well. If it wasn’t for me actually knowing the premise of this story, I’d actually be pretty surprised—and I’m a bit surprised that Salem took it so well. Prior to this, becoming human seemed like an impossibility, even for a child. I’m surprised there isn’t a hint of distrust or some sort of arc of convincing that Alisha had to go through for Salem. But I guess it can be waved away with Salem being so hopeful that she’d believe anyone who told her this premise.


Interlude between Act 1 and 2

No ‘reverse’ variant of SHP has proven successful on human trial subjects at this time. No further trials are planned.

Guess you have to save that for us PMD writers, eh?


This interlude was very short, and was more or less just a teeny-tiny scientific report on how this whole process worked. Just world building and explanations that I generally don’t care too much about for the sake of the story, though it was interesting to see that the ethics voting on this matter was a narrow split. Also interesting was the note that there were previous generation-one, less successful variants to this project, done from birth.


As an aside, I’m noticing a distinct lack of non-furry Pokemorphs. Such a shame. I guess the reptiles are too satisfied with themselves to want to bother being human~


Chapter 5

Okay, and here we are. We’re finally getting to Salem’s actual transformation, among other things. And to your credit, you do go into detail about what that slow process was like, and I’m glad that you did it. For once, I think the slow pace went in your favor, because I get to really feel that blurry, nebulous tedium that was the process, in a way, at least from Salem’s perspective.

I actually don’t have a whole lot more to say about this, actually. The chapter solely covered this transformation process. To be honest, I would have put this as an interlude chapter, because, in a way, this is for the moment between being a Pokémon and being a full-fledged morph.

I think one thing that was done really well in this chapter was the frantic, repeating, style of the prose. It captured Salem’s thoughts very well. We’re finally getting to the part in the story where the actual premise unfolds, and we get to see the sort of life that Salem will live—and, more importantly, what problems will arise, maybe? That’s actually one thing that I’m sort of worried about. We’re five chapters in, already in Act II, and I’m honestly not sure where the conflict is going, or what direction you’re trying to go here. Similar to the prose, the direction feels nebulous at best. Hopefully we’ll have a more clear picture of that in the next chapter, where Salem is actually out and about in his new body.


That’s all I’ve got. Thanks for the read!

 

[canisaries]

Ayy, back for the first proper chapter. And man this chapter is really that crying cat image all the way. That's not a bad thing, that's one of my favorite images.

Feline pokémon can barely ask for their humans to open doors for them,

"meeoooww open door human oh you opened it well i changed my mind i want to stay outside" hmm i wonder why those humans won't open those doors

For now, she was a small, shivering, dark-furred pokémon, and the most human thing about her was her ability — the privilege of all purrloin — to walk short distances on her hind legs.

Spoiler: meme

The memory of such things hurt, and provoked low growls in Salem’s throat. These were things she’d had and then lost. It hurt, not just from her discomfort in their absence, but from the memory of their loss.

The content of these sentences are technically different, but they kind of feel the same, as if they kind of repeated things the others already implied. To fix this, I think they'd need rephrasing to highlight the differences or simply condensation.

Condensation, I feel, is something this chapter could benefit from in general. The balance between giving things enough emphasis and keeping things concise is a tricky one, and while this is in no way a big offender, I feel like it could be shifted just a liiittle bit to the "less is more" side. The dialogue, though, I believe is fine in this regard, as it doesn't go on for too long and it's meant to come across as Laura trying to explain something to Salem that the feline can't understand, anyway.

Laura evidently agreed, because after a few minutes of this, her alarm went off and she said “That’s enough. Really. I really have to do my work, so please, please leave me alone.”

My knowledge of English punctuation says there should be a comma after the "said", but I don't know if there are regional differences.

General Comments

As I've said before, I love the idea and execution of pokémon signing. I even remember the exact gif you showed as basis for the food signing thing. I do wonder about how many gestures involve waving one's foreleg, though, it seems like those could get mixed up. I guess it's really up to the pokémon to master the movement or the human to learn their mon's "dialect".

I also like the idea of Salem being interested in anthropology. It does make it a bit difficult to form an understanding of Salem's intellect at this point, though. I think what would help is some description of concrete mental images (like "Grug throw rock at bird, Grug eat well that night" but you know, not as terrible), as those are very valuable in getting across someone's way of thinking and how they perceive more abstract concepts. Even for more intelligent beings - this is why graphs and allegories exist.

Speaking of understanding, I was left a bit in the dark on how Salem knew that much about shelters when the narration kind of makes it seem like she hasn't been to one before. If she learned this through speech alone, she had trouble understanding how important Laura's school was, but was that just because Laura couldn't explain it to her properly?

The description in this chapter felt sort of lacking, but it's very probably due to the fact that the majority is only a memory rather than happening in real time.

No typos or clunky sentences spotted, so prose is squeaky clean, no problemos there.

One last thing is that Salem just up and leaving didn't seem to make that much sense. I feel like it could make sense, but the narration doesn't put enough emphasis on how insulted(?) Salem felt. It says she didn't herself know why she never went back, but for even a cat I feel like there is some other answer to "why should I not go back" than "because no". If it's intended to be a mystery, you could have it established that there is a reason, but just not give it yet - rather than having the character who would probably have the best idea on how they feel not know how they feel. Or in general... I'm not sure if having a main character motivation as a mystery is a good thing to have at a point where we don't yet really know much of the character otherwise.

Alright, so, this review turned out kind of critical... hope it was the constructive kind, at least. But I feel like the lack of positive feedback is on my side, since as I read this, I realize that this isn't really a genre or type of story I'm personally interested in. I'm hoping that the future chapters will engage me better as we'll get more than just boardroom discussions or flashbacks (although this whole thing is technically a flashback, huh) and it'll rise past my genre threshold. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that so far this seems like a good story but one that kind of isn't for me. For people interested in this type of fiction, I think it's great.

Well, see ya in my next reply - or well, probably in chat, lol.

 

[Snuggle Tier List]

Ello! I'm here with your requested review. I accidentally read a lot, and your fic's a rather interesting test case for the template I'm using, so I decided to attempt a meaty review focused on Act I specifically. Long story short, I loved your fic, but I want to focus on areas other reviewers haven't touched on/I have contrary opinions to. That means I'm leaning more into "helpful" than "encouraging"; if I come off negative, it's out of fandom rather than hate.

Without further adu...

Image
Bits and bobs I personally don't believe necessarily affect your fic's quality, but do affect how it's perceived​

Hype
This fic has a ridiculous amount of polish and attention. An award banner, right after the summary. Some really really good cover art (more on that later). And I've never seen so many reviews, and you've responded to each and every one! You have a good rep, the hype is real, and before you explicitly requested a review from me, the hype scared me off.

It wasn't that the hype was bad. I just have an aversion to hype. I feel uncomfortable around popular authors because I have a lot of unpopular opinions. That, and I have an irrational fear of "manufactured" hype. I'm in the minority, but if you wanted to make this fic more appealing to this particular reviewer, I'd update the summary in your intro post to be written more in the style of the actual fic (for instance, a few lines at the top indicating it's a "classified document" ala The Hybrid Address's excerpt or Interlude I's database entry). Sonething that functions as a proof of competency beyond awards and word-of-mouth.

Cover Art
Did I mention the really really good cover art? I consider it part of the fic's image because, while it's pretty and a nice tone-setter (the security camera overlay is a nice touch), I didn't recognize it was plot-relevant until after CH4. It think it's a victim of looking too good; so pretty, I thought "looking pretty" was the sole point. I think, perhaps ironically, some uglier cover art with more symbolism would've made the fic look better. For instance, a million-page contract with a signature next to "I have read and understand these terms fully", or an official-looking NDA that's heavily redacted. Something that doesn't require much technical skill, but does lean deeper into your fic's themes. Though I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority on this one; I understand preferring your current cover.

Kitty!
I'm sure there's people that read this fic because there's a cat. For instance, me. I like kittens. I do think Salem's character is much more than skin deep, but I can't deny kittens are adorable. You could totally score more adorable kitten fanservice if you wanted to, and I probably would gobble it up. It's a very shallow reason to like a fic, hence why I'm filing this under Image critique, but...have you seen my avatar?

Substance
Bits and bobs I personally believe do affect the quality of your work, but not necessarily how it's perceived​

Serious Talk About Salem
I like Salem as a character because of her main motivation: knowledge. Yeah, curiosity's a stereotypical cat trait, but as pre-morph Salem goes through Act I, curiosity becomes a bigger and bigger part of her character, to the point she constantly wants to be learning about the world specifically because she doesn't understand it. She wants to be able to understand the consequences of her actions (staking out the Pokémon shelter before committing, listening in on human conversations whenever possible, etc). And given her limited knowledge of the world, she seems to be making the best decisions she can. She's never unreasonable or cruel and wants to self improve; she's a perfect protagonist to root for.

As I type this, I'm starting to realise I really like Salem. Heck "curiosity killed the cat". Be curious, Salem! Question the world!

Speaking of which...

Perihelion
Perihelion's direct role in the plot doesn't become apparent until CH4. And boy, do they raise a lot of a questions. But the good kind of questions, the ones that make them feel shrouded in secrecy. I found myself scrutinizing every detail to figure out exactly who they are, where their intent lies and whether they follow their intent, what degree of influence they have, etc. Because I like Salem, and I'm scared to see her get involved with these people (side note: pacing wise, Interlude I was perfectly timed, answering some but not all questions just as the fic's tension spiked).

For instance, while writing notes for this review, I noticed my phone's autocorrect recognized Perihelion as a word. So I looked up the definition. Apparently, a perihelion is the point at which a planet is closest to it's sun. Why would someone name a company after that? What does cosmology have to do with genetic modification? What even is Perihelion's main business? Total speculation, but I'm wondering if Perihelion uses a different type of "science". And that's terrifying.

However, this is one black stain against Perihelion as a plot device, and that's Ewan Moore prelude address. He has no shame in announcing new intelligent life created by his corporations. No "I wish to clear up rumors", no "Please, stay with me for a minute", no photographs or video or anything. It was corny; I admit, I laughed. And apart from setting the year, I don't see what the Prelude accomplishes that the first sentence of CH1 doesn't. Plus, it partially de-mystifies a plot device that relies on being shrouded in mist. As painful as it may be, I recommend cutting the prelude.

Now, let's contrast Ewan Moore speech with...

Alisha
What a charismatic, manipulative snake. She played off all of Salem's desires impeccably; an absolutely perfect sales rep (or whatever she even is). It was painful watching Alisha convince Salem to, say, have her only form of I.D. removed, or join a program that "battles humans", unquote. She makes Perihelion as an organization feel real, like they actually have the means to pull off...whatever they're trying to do. I'm assuming Alisha didn't coerce Salem to sign an unreadable contract out of the goodness of her heart. Alisha is legitimately terrifying; when she's in the room, the fic feels like psychological horror. Absolutely use her going forward.

And finally, what I think is the most important mechanic your fic employs:

Dramatic Irony
The first sentence of CH1 is "Before she was a person, Salem was a cat." Immediately, I know Salem is going to become a person. But Salem doesn't know that. And so seeing her relationship with Laura be developed throughout CH1 is heartbreaking. It's doomed, I know it's doomed, but I like Salem as a character enough that it's like reading sadness. It's heavy, it's emotional, and it hooked me.

But I didn't get a similar feeling with CH2 and CH3. Salem in the shelter, while there's character development and worldbuilding and maybe even foreshadowing at play, lacks tension. I know Salem is becoming a hybrid; the plot has already been spoiled...

...until CH4, when Alisha and Perihelion come into play. Up until this point, I knew Perihelion was going to morph Salem, but I didn't know the details. And each little detail made me want to scream "get out!". Perihelion and Alisha were excellent devices to creep me out, and my genuine sympathy for Salem made me force myself through all the to-me horrifying reading. It's top-notch stuff I'd gush about all day, but as a critic, I feel compelled to highlight my "just okay" reaction to CH2 and CH3. And this is because I think you can create tension through one hard but quick step: cut the Prelude.

If I had gone into this fic without knowing about Perihelion, then I'd have been wondering the entire time exactly how Salem becomes a morph. That'd kept me guessing throughout CH2 and CH3 without eliminating the dramatic irony of CH1. And when Perihelion does show up, they'd have been even sketchier, playing off my sympathy for Salem even more.

I realise this is a tall ask. But from my subjective point of view, I would've enjoyed this fic more if I didn't read the Prelude.

Closing Thoughts​

I could keep going, but all I have left are nitpicks. I might bring them up in a future review, because I absolutely want to read a completed Act II. While there were some parts of this fic's image that initially scared me away, and while the Prelude hung around like a black stain, all the core mechanics of your fic worked in tandem with each other. Salem is a strong character in a strong plot facing legitimately terrifying forces; even at Different Eyes's low points, the strength of Salem as a character made me cling through. And the high points are the highest I've seen in Pokémon fan fiction. All I hope is that you keep writing. At whatever pace you need, just keep writing. I'm addicted; I need more.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Please excuse the awful delay, everybody. I'm sure those of you who spend any time in the chat thread will have seen how much of a sturggle I had at my recent startup job, and after a certain point in time it's hard to return to hiatus'd projects.

Regardless, I'd like to respond to all your wonderful reviews, which I appreciate very much. Thanks for writing them, and thanks for your patience. Chapter 6 will follow shortly.

I'm a bit unclear on what with no likeness between our DNA exactly means here.

My bad. I meant that there isn't a shared ancestor.

Why would fossilized DNA be used of all things

This is only in passing reference to the first pokémon movie, where they use a mew fossil.

So I take it that you took the Pokédex entries for Alakazam and the like and threw them in the trash? Good.

Fuck yeah.

this really doesn't sound convincing from a business standpoint.

No, it doesn't, does it? I fucked up the prelude by vaguely implying it was a business affair and then not writing it that way at all. I'll just say for now that morphs aren't really created for commercial reasons.

I don’t really know about this for an opening. It’s too authors’ note-ish

Yeah, it was a risk that I think some people somewhat appreciated but most disliked. I'm considering throwing it out. Thanks for providing your own perspective on it.

The next few chapters were a bit slow and repetitive

I guess so. To me they all serve a purpose in terms of Salem's development, but if they're not sufficiently distinct to the readers, it's a problem.

you did very well in expressing these different levels of intelligences

Especially pleased to hear this, since it's a key point.

The prose is very distant and scenes that swept across a room felt nebulous.

I think this might be a weakness of mine irrespective of the nature of the early chapters. If you decide to keep reading, let me know if it persists beyond the point of Salem's learning to speak.

I’m glad that we’re finally getting to the actual premise of the story, but it was odd because the way it’s suddenly thrown onto Salem was surprisingly… fast!

This point and your explanation are certainly interesting. I guess it's something I could fix, but it might just be an artefact of the presentation. You may change your mind about it moving on, but maybe it's something I could fix with a little dramatic irony. I'll give it thought when I eventually come back to revise the early chapters.

I’m noticing a distinct lack of non-furry Pokemorphs.

I think this might just be coincidence, but if you want a justification, it's because mammalian pokémon are easier to hybridise? ;P

And to your credit, you do go into detail about what that slow process was like, and I’m glad that you did it. For once, I think the slow pace went in your favor

Pleased to hear it's not all bad on that front, because I think the thoroughness is partly just my style and I want to leverage it for some payoff.

We’re five chapters in, already in Act II, and I’m honestly not sure where the conflict is going

I think this is something I really ought to fix. I appreciate the hard to swallow pill. For now, take my word that it's coming.

this chapter is really that crying cat image all the way.

This fic is that image all the way tbh.

Condensation, I feel, is something this chapter could benefit from in general.

Noted, I do tend to struggle at being concise and killing my darlings.

I love the idea and execution of pokémon signing.

Thanks! It's one of my favourite innovations and I'm always delighted when other people like it.

I was left a bit in the dark on how Salem knew that much about shelters

My bad, I can insert some justification on revision. The idea is supposed to be that she's heard of it "on the grapevine" and watched pokémon go in for a few days and get treated well.

Salem just up and leaving didn't seem to make that much sense.

I've had this criticism from several people, but it's clear to others. I'll try to revise, but I don't want to make the prose too blunt about it. The idea is that she doesn't want to hang about if Laura is going to be gone almost every day of the year and leave her alone and understimulated, and furthermore this feels like a betrayal.

I loved your fic, but I want to focus on areas other reviewers haven't touched on/I have contrary opinions to. That means I'm leaning more into "helpful" than "encouraging"; if I come off negative, it's out of fandom rather than hate.

Really appreciate the disclaimer, but you should know you came across perfectly positive, and I find critique a precious, useful resource. Not that I mind ego-stroking, per se!

You have a good rep, the hype is real, and before you explicitly requested a review from me, the hype scared me off. [...] I have an aversion to hype and a fear of "manufactured" hype. [...] I'd update the summary in your intro post to be written more in the style of the actual fic.

That isn't bad advice. I'll consider it seriously for future revision.

Did I mention the really really good cover art?

I'll pass your regards on to @canisaries! I'll be keeping this art, and I think it clearly implies that pokémorphs in this setting are created through artificial transformation, and sets the mood for a substantial part of the fic. Nevertheless, I appreciate your suggestion and may do something similar elsewhere.

I like Salem as a character because of her main motivation: knowledge.

You get it, man!

Why would someone name a company after that? [...] What even is Perihelion's main business?

It's aspirational. They're reaching for the sky — closer to the sun than others. One of their industries is aerospace vehicles, as it happens. They're mostly research-focused with some light manufacturing business and a lot of NGO-type initiatives. They're most famous in-setting for wilderness regeneration and the rehabilitation of pokémon affected by industrial pollution, poaching and the like. Lotta charity stuff. And they secretly do illegal genetic experimentation on living pokémon.

As painful as it may be, I recommend cutting the prelude.

I've read through this advice a few times, and I suspect you might be right. It was a risky play, and not universally disliked, but I don't think this version will cut it.

Alisha is legitimately terrifying

No kidding? I've tried to make her as likeable a manipulator as possible, but I'm glad at least one reader finds her terrifying. As it happens, she genuinely does have good intentions! Doesn't mean she's not predatory, of course.

CH1 is heartbreaking. [...] But I didn't get a similar feeling with CH2 and CH3. Salem in the shelter, while there's character development and worldbuilding and maybe even foreshadowing at play, lacks tension.

I get this a lot. Let me know if you have any suggestions for introducing tension as an element — the next time I revise those chapters I expect I'll do something significant to secure a connection to the later plot, besides.

While there were some parts of this fic's image that initially scared me away, and while the Prelude hung around like a black stain, all the core mechanics of your fic worked in tandem with each other. Salem is a strong character in a strong plot facing legitimately terrifying forces; even at Different Eyes's low points, the strength of Salem as a character made me cling through. And the high points are the highest I've seen in Pokémon fan fiction. All I hope is that you keep writing. At whatever pace you need, just keep writing. I'm addicted; I need more.

Wow! Thanks ever so much for such a complimentary review. You can trust that I'll never give up on DE, even if I'm to busy at times to continue with it for however long. I'll certainly do my best, and of course feedback like yours is a serious motivating factor in pumping out more content.

Once again, thanks to all of you. Here follows chapter six.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Six
Life in Full Colour
​

“I hear you.”

It came out as indistinguishable vowels, a messy and useless noise. That wasn’t right. Was she not trying hard enough? She tried again — a strangled yowl. Her throat burned both from hot, angry shame and from the dry air rushing into her aching lungs.

Her head hurt. No — everything hurt.

She opened her eyes. Blinked against the bright — Not brightness. Colours?

The world was different now. New colours. Bright colours. Her eyes swivelled in her head, jolting from one alien hue to another. Now that shirt; now that hair. Colours she had never seen. Never could have imagined. To see many of them, all at once — too much to take. She didn’t even face towards them, her eyes just raced — she was dizzy. She felt sick. Too strange. Too new! Too much!

She screwed her eyes shut and made a wailing sound against the visual din.

Alisha was talking, but she couldn’t see the meaning of the sounds over the pain and the panic and—

That feeling. That difference. Even with her eyes shut against the world, she could tell.

Her body was not the same.

It felt distant. Stretched-out. Heavy. Impossibly heavy.

She looked down. She saw herself laying before her.

Human sized. Human shaped. Covered in fur, in patterns she knew well. Her body. Yet, not. This was it — the whole point. Her dream.

She stared at it. Tried to move all at once, found she didn’t know how. She needed to see. Her head spun as she lifted it. She stared, choked, felt like she was falling.
That was her arm, right there. Human-sized, aching bone-deep, pierced by a tube full of liquid. But certainly her arm. Her arm. Her hand. Right? She raised it. It took more effort than usual. It was too heavy. It felt like someone else’s limb. Held still for a moment. Then started to shake with the effort. She tried to splay her fingers, and they twitched in front of her. Useless. Out of her control. She tried yanking out the tube and found she had neither the strength nor the pain tolerance.

What if— Could she get up? What if she couldn’t move? She needed to be upright. Now.

She tried to flip onto all fours, something she’d done countless times. Pain; failure. Her body lurched and spasmed; her muscles screamed at her. She gasped, fell back with an audible thump, flinched, cried out in a voice that wasn’t her own.

Around her, someone was talking, but she couldn’t think, she couldn’t listen, she needed to get up—

—Alisha barely had to put her hand on Salem’s shoulder and she collapsed down again. Flat on her back, her limbs jerked weakly against the padded railings at the side of her bed. She was exhausted within moments.

“It’s gonna be okay, Salem.”

Above her was Alisha’s face. Muscles relaxed, grinning widely, eyes creased. That was good, right? Salem checked again. She didn’t trust her intuition. Yes. Alisha was happy, not distressed. Maybe this was normal. Church must have struggled too! Things were okay, she would get to speak. Soon she would speak. Next to Alisha were the humans from before. How could she know that? Had she really recognised them by sight alone? She’d only seen them once before. Hadn’t even got their scent yet. She didn’t understand.

Behind the small crowd of humans were clean white walls, the kind of equipment they had in pokémon centres, and several beds much like her own. They were clearly visible at a much greater distance than she was used to. They were more in focus. The contrast between light and shadow sharper. The colours richer. She shrank back from it all. Her vision was drowning her.

“It’s okay, you can close your eyes.”

No. She was drowning, but so was that feeling of wrongness, of being in a body she didn’t understand. She fixed her eyes on Alisha. Wished she could read human faces the way she could read feline body language.

“How are you feeling, kitten?” asked Alisha.

She started to reach to sign, then stopped. She wanted to speak. She forced her mouth into the shapes that she thought were right. What was the thing Alisha had done when she said “feeling?” Teeth against lower lip. Something with her tongue. She didn’t know.

“Fee— oh— I—”

The words died in her mouth. She was so close! It hurt to be so close. Even if she had known how to make the sounds, how could she have explained everything she was experiencing? She felt too much. Too many things at once. A storm inside her head! Each sound and scent raised more thoughts and more memories, more than she could cope with, and emotions too, emotions she’d never had, flowing and flooding and breaching every part of her brain with the weight of her feeling, too much, too much!

“Take it steady, Salem. You can stay calm, just keep still and you should start to get used to it.”

She gasped and panted, clutching at the bed at if she was about to float away from it. Should? Start to get used to it? Only should? ‘It’ was her entire existence. She had to ‘get used’ to it or she— would she feel this way, this awful— today, forever? Overwhelmed. Breathless. For the rest of her life! Her breath caught in her throat. She needed to escape, escape from her own lungs— Please— A way out, please—

“Salem, try to take big breaths. You can do it. One at a time, now. Slowly.”

She tried. Breathe in, more, breathe out. Her breath rattled. Inhale, and somehow exhale. Again, again! Slower? — she only knew quick, sharp breaths. Her lungs were so much larger now. She panted to fill them. Strained. Failed.

“It may not feel like it, but you can learn to control your breathing. I promise. Keep trying, Salem.”

She breathed as deep as she could, as if it would brace her against the sensory tide, but it was still just a shallow gasp. Fear sunk its teeth into her throat. She wouldn't manage to handle her new eyes, new body, this was a mistake, she couldn't go back. She wasn’t adapting, she couldn't adapt. She didn’t know how to breathe deeply, to breathe against instinct and habit.

Alisha was still speaking to her, but she’d lost her grip on the words. She wanted to feel nothing. Be nothing. She turned and curled into a ball— but she couldn’t. Not quite. Was there something wrong with her legs? Her back wouldn’t curve all the way, was it broken? Was she broken? She couldn’t pull her legs all the way up. They weren’t working. Why?

Yet, to her tearful relief, turning on her side did help. It took pressure off her chest. Allowed more air in. Let her breathe easier.

It took time, and continuous coaching from Alisha, but she did it. For the first time in her life, she breathed in, deep, held it. And out. What more might she be capable of, with time? She wasn’t quite her old self. There, there exactly, was the truth. She was not herself. She was new. Maybe with her new eyes, body, brain, she could adapt. There were new difficulties in being Salem, but new strengths too.

She found something behind the fear. Something different. Different, but good, and strong. Not the anticipation before a warm meal. Not the relief after escaping someone’s vicious claws. Not the awe during a nature film, when the camera rose above a canopy to reveal an unimaginably vast expanse. But it was close. And it let her breathe.

This was really happening. All she’d hoped for… within her reach.

Alisha was speaking, guiding her breaths and inviting her to control of each part of her body in turn, to understand how it had changed, to take her time in experiencing the strangeness of it all. To welcome each thought and feeling one at a time.

She tried. It seemed to take a lifetime. Somehow, she managed.

Once the tide started to subside, it became almost… fun. Now fingers. Now toes. Now ears, still able to pin back against her skull and turn towards Alisha’s snapping fingers. Now tongue, strange and unfamiliar in her mouth, but nevertheless under her control.

It was going to be alright. She was going to be okay.

She opened her eyes.

“Feeling better now, kitten?”

Speech could wait. An affirmative miaow would do. It came out okay, but so much deeper than she was used to.

“Sounds like you are,” said Alisha, smiling.

With some coaxing, Salem rose from the bed and from her stupor. Sitting was hard. Her body weighed so much now. It was too far away from her. She’d much rather be curled up in the tightest ball possible, but this way was better for communication, so she struggled on with it. She was stable, at least. Her faintness subsiding. Her breath more or less even. Her exhaustion somehow possible to bear.

She did, however, have to make several adjustments to her tail’s resting position before it was tolerable.

She looked up at Alisha’s face, more carefully this time. She saw things now that had been invisible to her the last time she was fully conscious. Her hair wasn’t entirely dark: it was actually streaked through with some other colour. There was something about her expressions that marked her from her colleagues — but what it was exactly was beyond Salem’s perception. Something about her scent, too, was different…

“Feels like nothing else has in all your life, right?” said Alisha.

Salem blinked slowly and nodded. Alisha blinked slowly back. Those humans still paying attention clearly didn’t understand the gesture, as they were staring quite uncomfortably. Without looking round at them, Alisha waved them away.

“Trust me,” Alisha told Salem, “it might be pretty overwhelming now, and you’ll probably feel a bit freaked out a few more times going forward, but it’s worth it. It’s so worth it. You’re gonna be able to do almost anything at all. There aren’t many like… many like you, you know? With your potential. Mind and body both somewhere between human and pokémon… it’s exciting, right? You’re in good company, kitten. You’ll be just fine.”

Salem drank it all up, wide-eyed.

Everything would be okay. Everything would be fantastic. She could handle herself. Learn. Even be special.

She raised a weary arm and signed [THANK YOU. FRIEND/HUMAN.]

Something went wrong along the way, because her hands didn’t go where she expected them to, and the motions were vague and amateurish. She could sign better than this.She tried again and just barely got the signs to form. Was she just tired? She was just tired. Yes.

The clumsy signing must have amused Alisha, because she looked down and to the side, and grinned. “Sure, kitten,” she said.

Salem concentrated harder on her next signs. Aligned her arms with great care. Thought it through. [WHAT WILL HAPPEN-?] she asked, before her hands cramped up, and she wrung them, wincing.

“What happens next depends on you,” said Alisha, softly. "You should rest first, probably for a while. Once you're feeling well enough, then we can try teaching you to walk, use your hands, maybe even talk. But only when you're up for it. Please rest as long as you need to. Most new hybrids take a couple weeks to get their strength up."

Salem had no energy left in her, but she wanted to do those things so badly she felt she could substitute sheer intensity of desire for actual bodily strength. She concentrated on bringing her hands up in front of her face and making the right movements. The signs came more easily every time. So easily that it would have shocked her if she’d had any room left in her body to feel shock. She knew exactly what she wanted to say almost in an instant; it was the physical actions that were hard. Her arms spoke a different language to her now, moving in ways she wasn’t used to, and aching instantly whenever they did. Were they even the same limbs as before? Why was it so hard to make familiar signs? Somehow, she managed.

Paw to her chest, then a clutching motion. [I want.] A motion from her mouth, moving forward. [To speak.] Hand-over-hand motions. [To walk.] More subtle motions now, ending in a raised paw, high as it could go. [And, I will try very hard.]

They were halting, staccato movements, ineloquent and cautious. Her hands hurt and she couldn't figure out how to move her fingers separately yet. It wasn’t anything like as skilled as what Church could manage. It was still some of the best signing she'd ever done in her life.

“No way, kitten. Even bipeds take a few days before they can hope to walk around. You need rest!”

Her tail thumped the bed in quiet anger. [Walk. I want to walk. I can.]

“No way-”

She yowled, signed. [I will walk.]

“Not now, Salem-”

[Walk now!] she signed with force. She hissed as she did, showing off her fangs.

Before Alisha could decline another time, Salem grappled with herself and managed to get a couple limbs over the bed rails, preparing to throw herself off with or without help.

"Alright!" said Alisha, hauling Salem back over before she hurt herself. “We’ll get you walking soon enough.” Was she impressed? Concerned? Her expressions escaped Salem. "We’ll start with standing upright. Let's get those legs carefully on the floor, okay? And I do mean carefully."

She unfastened the rails at the bedside and pulled them down. It took time, but Salem got her hind paws off the bed and below her. If she moved suddenly, she felt faint, so she placed her pads on the floor and gingerly pushed off from the bed. She nearly toppled over, but Alisha was there, hands on either side of Salem’s torso, balancing her. She stood, tail and arms rigidly thrust out and apart as she found a precarious balance.

"Now, you’re a purrloin, so you might think this'll be easy just because you've walked on your hind legs before. It's not going to be easy. Your legs are exhausted, for one, and your centre of gravity is different. If you were another species, I wouldn’t even let you try standing. So here's what we're going to do..."

The plan was simple. With Salem’s arm over Alisha’s shoulders, the human could take much of the hybrid’s weight. The support made a real difference as Salem took her first steps in her new body. They were shaky, difficult steps, but her swelling pride made them worth it. Her chest heaved as she tried to keep up the energy to take her own weight. Unsupported walking, let alone running, would have to come later. Not only did she have to learn how to walk on her new legs, but there was very little strength left in them. No strength at all, in fact.

Her near-collapse wasn’t long in coming. Her legs shortly gave way beneath her like so much jellied fish, and she slid to the floor, despite her best efforts to cling to Alisha’s shoulder. Alisha didn’t even wince as Salem’s claws dug for purchase. Why was that? Salem looked up at her from the floor, not sure what expression she could make with her own face. Her throat was burning again. This was proof that she wasn't ready to walk after all. As much as it stung, there was no denying it.

“Don’t worry, kitten. You did well.”

Alisha helped her back into the bed to do some light sulking, and reassured her that the emergency call button on the bedside table would bring someone if she needed help. She was going to attend to the next morph who needed support waking up, but she would be back soon, so don’t worry, and did Salem need anything before she left?

She certainly did.

The first thing she asked for was water, realising as she tried to punctuate her signs with quiet miaows that her throat was still painfully dry. Someone fetched her a cup of water from a sink across the room. Alisha asked if they had any water bowls — they did not. Salem signed a small thanks and held the thing between both hands, lapping carefully at the surface. She was just about dexterous enough to tip the water level towards her face, but her arms were still weak, and she spilt some in the effort. She refused help drinking it, of course. There had to be some limit to what she needed assistance with.

Satisfied that Salem was feeling sufficiently well, Alisha gave her a wave goodbye.

Salem returned it, but she wasn’t sure if Alisha saw.

She considered calling out or trying to follow, but collapsing had been humiliating enough the first time.

If she wasn't going to walk, she'd need something else to do besides lying in bed. Some mewling and charades earned her a magazine belonging to one of the ward staff, something with plenty of pictures to look at. Mostly, they were pictures of humans. The human owner asked if she needed help turning the pages, and she signed a perfunctory [NO]. If she needed help, she would ask. She touched it with her fingertips, and pulled them back as her claws punctured the delicate material. She tried to slide the pages over with only her pads. At first, she couldn’t get the hang of it, and she tore the paper more than once. Gradually, painstaking pawing at the pages taught her how to turn first one, then the next.

It wasn't fascinating content, but staring at the colourful pages fascinated Salem all the same. It was a joy to see the new hues which now presented themselves to her, to soak them all up at once with her newly-improved vision. She cajoled a passing nurse over to ask him what colours things were by pointing at them and making the sign for [question]. It took a little while, but she had him cycle through every possible intended meaning before he eventually found the right answer. Getting specific, yet abstract information out of people like [what colour is that item of clothing?] was superficially difficult, but it was like opening a food cupboard door. Easy once you persisted long enough to learn the knack.

She discovered ‘red’ from the magazine by pointing at a man’s clothes and being patiently answered by the nurse. Red. It had always been there, at least for humans. Now she could actually see it, really see it, instead of perceiving it as identical to orange, brown, even some purples. The change really was not in the world, but in herself. The thought was strange, that her eyes were different now. Forever. She decided she was okay with that. Maybe other hybrids would struggle with accepting the change. But not her. She chose this. She wouldn't regret it.

Although this was like nothing Salem had ever gone through in her life, the man seemed to think that he had more important things to be doing. It was a struggle to correct him on this point. She decided it didn’t matter. She was too busy grappling with the dawn of a world in full colour. Brighter, richer, more whole. Brimming over with colours she’d never dreamed existed. Like red.

Eventually, the nurse carefully insisted that he get back to more important work. Salem quietly tolerated the loss of her translator and the vague anxiety that came with being dependent without someone around to depend on, and spent a little while flicking through the rest of the magazine. Eventually she ran out of pages and pushed it over the side of the bed onto the floor. It was now time to stare at things, she supposed.

But staring at things was in her past. She needn’t become bored for hours yet. She had barely been introduced to this body, and she could get to know it a little better, even bound to her bed as she was. She became consumed with consuming every sensation, even discomfort and pain, that her new form afforded her. Her body’s greater weight pressed her down into the bed. Her fur still felt very much the same: smooth from meticulous grooming, but as dull as it had been since she’d stopped getting regular meals. Her pads were still pads but they were more sensitive now, softer, and had not grown in proportion with the rest of her hands. Neither had her claws — at least, not quite. She held up a hand and licked the back of it, finding that although her tongue still worked, her fur tasted different. Or was it that her tongue did?

As time passed, Salem kept moving her attention to another change, another hurt. Her eyes hurt, her paws hurt, her belly hurt. None of them felt like they belonged to her yet. But they would. Soon. It was difficult to relax, but she was still a cat, and therefore an expert in getting comfortable. Eventually, she found a position to curl up in that didn’t put any strain on her tremendously strained body, and she managed to sleep.

In her dreams, Salem was running, running on her two legs, for miles and miles and miles, just running, and never getting tired.

 

[namohysip]

Alright, the long-awaited next chapter, and it's all about Salem waking up. Didn't take me long to remember what had happened previously and where we are now, and you spent a lot of time on, well, just Salem getting used to herself. I think, considering the subject matter, you lingered on it for an appropriate amount of time overall, though I think a few parts drew on for longer than perhaps they should have. In particular...

“Salem, try to take big breaths. You can do it. One at a time, now. Slowly.”

I was in agreement with this line, but perhaps not for a desirable reason: I get what you're going for regarding the short, frantic, choppy sentences, but it went on for so long--and in fact, went on for even longer than when I think Salem had calmed down--that it was starting to get tiring near the end of it. When the narrative finally slowed down to a reasonable pace, I had an easier time following along. The problem with such panic is that, after it gets so prolonged, it can tire me out, I guess, and suddenly all the actions and thoughts become a hard-to-follow blur, and not necessarily in a good way.

Still, that issue aside, I liked what you did here. Not sure if the next chapter will be even more getting used to things, or if there will be a major conflict finally coming up, or what direction you're going for here, but I'm hoping that the exposition phase of 'breaking in the currently-useless body' is now over, and the rest of it can be scattered up over time while something else goes on.

 

[kintsugi]

oh? an update?

I like the intro sequence a lot. It continues to drive home the continued presence of all of the things Salem didn't anticipate. Body dysphoria is one of those things that I expect to see all the time in morph/PMD fics and never do (outside of the rare "how to legs work", but that's usually played for laughs if/when it's mentioned at all), so seeing it taken all the way to the sensory level/reflexive movements is a good choice here. I almost wish there was more to it -- you do a really good job of doing all the strange new human things, but outside of the loss of balance/the physical changes to her body, I feel like there's not much focus on all the sensory things that Salem used to have that would be there -- phantom limbs/whatever the equivalent is for "my knees bend the opposite way they used to", lesser senses/not being able to scent/hear as well (?), compactness/curled feetsies? Dunno. On the flip side I really like the pacing of this chapter and don't think there's much room for these in this exact moment.

and I mean, haha, it's literally in the title; of course the change in vision is the focus

Salem blinked slowly and nodded. Alisha blinked slowly back. Those humans still paying attention clearly didn’t understand the gesture, as they were staring quite uncomfortably.

Oh? I feel like this is something that would be pretty commonly understood. I've got a pet conspiracy theory that no one here actually has any background in animal biology and they're just Rocket grunts in disguise; this is not helping me shake that.

Small thing, but I do I really like how you flip Alisha calling her "Salem" and "kitten". It really serves to drive home how much Alisha just doesn't get Salem at all; I'm sure there's a particular reasoning for when she's using which name to address her by, but I have yet to fully grasp it.

As an overall chapter, I'm glad that you took the time to dedicate 1+ chapters to the acclimation period. There was always some sense that the morphing proper was the first major hurdle/conflict of the story, so I do think it's good that you're taking the time to unpack the implications rather than barging into whatever's next. I also appreciate the focus on Salem doing human things and her curiosity in learning -- that seemed to be a huge driving factor for her choices up to this point, and while it's not exactly the most thrilling thing to write about her reading magazines and asking which color is what, from a reader perspective I appreciated the consistency here a lot.

 

[canisaries]

Here I am again, this time having read chapters 2-4 and the first interlude, so I'll be giving some thoughts on them and the story so far.

Chapter 2

I'm a fan of the start. Having Salem stalk the center and bringing in the glameow tom both smoothen the transition from solitude and ferality to company and civilization, and it makes sense for Salem to still be hesitant and take the change gradually.

Her fur was dark and the winter sun was already retiring, so this hiding place would keep her well out of sight. Yet, it hardly felt like safety. The short flights of the winter sun and her ability to hide at its setting were not a nightly reassurance, but a reminder of all the other pokémon that could be stalking her from the same darkness.

The moon came out from behind the clouds, and briefly lit up the terrain.

Nitpick, but this gave me a conflicting image. The sun "was retiring", which very much sounds like it's in the process of setting, but the moon is already bright enough to make a visible change in the lighting. This means the moon already has to be high up enough not to get blocked by the buildings and trees, and to be in a phase with enough surface area to reflect that much light, but not in a phase that would make it rise too late. In addition to this, the sun is still at the horizon, giving plenty of light to the sky that spreads it, meaning the moonlight must be very strong to make a difference.

Well, maybe I'm just used to a slower and brighter sunset at winters due to my high latitude, or maybe I'm underestimating the part Salem's night vision has to play. In the end, though, none of this would be an issue if the phrasing was different, more clearly stating that the sun is long gone and that the sky is dark.

only to return not long after with a dead mouse, freshly caught.

Since attention is brought to a real-life animal, I'm curious to what extent real life animals exist. Maybe I missed it in an earlier chapter, but I'm not sure at all whether certain groups of real-life animals exist in this world or not. It was said before that Pokémon are pretty much separate from humans and their relative animals, but Salem is frequently referred to as a cat. Do "real" cats not exist, or is that a misnomer? I spotted no real dogs or cats at the shelter, although it does specifically say it's a "pokémon shelter" and mixing regular animals with superpowered ones doesn't feel like a smart move.

A low, strained miaow, certain subtle flicks of his ears and tail. [BAD HUNTER.] An accusation.

She replied with mirrored gestures and a turn of the head. [NOT HUNTING.]

A brief, shrill chirrup, a certain blink: [YES, THAT’S IT.]

[YES,] she replied. Her tail flicked in dissatisfaction. [UNHAPPY.]

While Salem peeked inside out of simple curiosity, a fluffy white rockruff spotted her, and was immediately wagging their tail and perking their ears. Alert, agitated. A threat display? She backed away, her tail quivering uncertainly.

I'm loving the pokésign and other communication elements, but in some instances I'm not sure what's intended as part of the signing and what's just general feline body language. It's possible they overlap, but that might mean kind of a species bias which harms the notion of a language meant to be universally used by all pokémon. (Which might actually be the case in-universe for all I know. Humans - or pokémon, whichever invented this language - aren't perfect.)

Also, while Salem confusing the friendly canine language for hostile feline language makes sense, it's slightly hard to believe that she'd never have learned before what a dog's tail wag means. It's true that she was an indoors cat, but she watched television with Laura and was very curious about the things she saw. It feels like she would have seen a dog wag its tail somewhere (be it TV, from a window or from the garden), questioned why it's not considered hostile by anyone, and gotten an answer, or at least a doubt that there's something more to it.

On a positive note again: the feline body language in this fic is framed in such a way that even people unfamiliar with the intricacies understand it, but it doesn't get clunky or explain-y in a way that would hurt the flow or treat the reader as stupid. Props for that.

[I watch this place - I do this at night - at night humans are absent - I must care for pokémon - new pokémon like you who are here.]

Really like that more fluent signing is shown by proper capitalization while cruder signing is shown by clunky caps lock. It's an abstract choice, but well-understandable one.

On the subject of this mienshao - I like how it fleshes out the setting, but as you've mentioned that you've received critique of chapters 2 and 3 feeling drawn out or uneventful, this seems like a detail that could be left out for improved concision. Salem's desire for better communication is already well established, and if showing a mon better at signing is required, the throh of the next chapter already fits that position too, and I personally think the throh's scene has more to offer to the story.

I couldn't find any story reason why the mienshao couldn't be left out, as it only appears for this one scene and is very briefly mentioned at the start of the third one. In-universe, she only gives Salem a more comfortable bed and a litter box, both of which Jamie was a-ok with leaving her without, as he didn't sound like he was even expecting the mienshao to come to Salem.

But she only had the moon until dawn, even the late dawn of the winter sun.

This end leaves the reader on an awaiting note, emphasizing the unknown nature of tomorrow. It's a good ending for the chapter - but I would not say it's good that the chapter ends here. Chapter Two is short at 2.5k words, maybe not compared to the first with its 3k or even to the third with its 3.5k, but definitely to the fourth with its 6k. It also, in the end, doesn't have that much happen in it. Salem enters the shelter and that's pretty much it. After she gets in and Jamie is shown to be nice and understanding, the rest of the chapter is pretty void of conflict. The end feels abrupt due to this, as if a longer chapter was cut in half - and it feels even more so once chapter 3 is read and shown to cap the "shelter portion" this chapter starts.

This is why I think the two chapters would be better merged. As seen from the previously mentioned wordcounts, the composite chapter would be around the length of chapter 4 - and, if the mienshao is cut, around 500 words shorter. It is kind of a dramatic jump from how short the first chapter is, but the first chapter has a lot going on, making it feel longer than it is. And, by the second chapter of a story, a reader has made the decision to continue and will not be so easily spooked by a longer chapter anymore.

I still have a bit more I want to say about why a merge would be beneficial in my eyes, but before that, I want to move on to chapters 3 and 4.

Chapter 3

Salem woke from another dream in which she had been a human, only to find she was still a purrloin, for now.

You got me wishing for a more detailed description of what these dreams were like. Not from a critical standpoint, but one of personal interest.

Something about pokémon research, I didn’t understand it.

red flag red flag get out now

At this point, she was still perfectly ignorant of the choice she was soon to make.

She didn’t know it yet, but very soon, Salem would indeed be a person.

I will be honest, I'm not a fan of these meta-type parts. I rarely am, though, so I'm ruling it as personal preference. I just feel like, at their worst, they get hand-holdy and imply (intentionally or not) that the reader is unable to notice how the narrative is progressing by themselves. It wouldn't be as bad, probably not even an issue at all, if we didn't already know what was going to happen to Salem. Having these in also kills any suspense of the "strange woman" being a red herring after all.

Salem wished that she could read. It was a familiar wish, which flowed readily over the grooves in her brain where it had run before. Every time she wished to read, she wished harder. The grooves deepened. But she did not become literate.

Interesting description, caught my eye. I wonder if this came from Salem's or the omniscient narrator's side, though. Does Salem know about brains and their role as the thinkmeat of the body?

That was it?

Okay.

Okay…

This is a clear sad-cat moment, and the spacing drives that point home. However, to me, it clashes with what comes right after. Salem pretty much brushes it off and moves on, when I expected her to go sulk in a corner and possibly do whatever the cat equivalent of crying would be. I feel like the row changes make this moment seem more dramatic and even melodramatic than it should be. Salem's already stretching the reader's sympathy in some regards, being a creature with limited social understanding (when selflessness is a large component of likability for human readers) and her motive for leaving Laura still feeling vague or overreactive.

‘You know,’ he kept saying. She did not know. She knew very little, in fact.

and he kept calling her 'Shirley' for whatever reason

She began by approaching another dog pokémon as he finished lapping water from a bowl just outside (she wasn’t sure of the species) and signing her friendly intent.

What she really wanted was someone who would talk to her and even groom together (since getting a human to read something to her seemed impossible right now).

The interjections in parentheses the prose occasionally features are a bit odd to me - while I usually don't mind them, some feel off to me in some way or another. Here are two such examples.

In the first, the interjection feels misplaced. Rather than being directly after "dog pokemon", where it would be most relevant, it’s at the end of the long clause. That makes it feel like it wasn’t that urgent an interjection to begin with and therefore could as well have been its own clause or sentence.

In the second example, I'm not sure why parentheses are used at all. It doesn't seem like it'd be any different if the parens were left out and a comma added before the clause.

submission.
Salem

There were a couple of spots like these in the chapters I read, spots having only one row change instead of the usual two. They don't appear to signify anything special, so I'm assuming they're just errors. The occurrences I found aside from this one are in chapter 4, one between two "okay"s and the other between "explanation" and "eventually".

As I mentioned previously, I'm a fan of the throh scene. It's colorful in character and worldbuilding, showing more of the relationship between humans and mon in this world. I always love more primal or simple descriptions of modern concepts, so I loved concrete as "strong stone". Chatot is very parroty. I'm no parrot expert, but it certainly matches the behavior I've seen in videos of pet birds.

When Alisha arrives, it's good to have the plot going again. As the sneakout scene has known stakes, it has conflict and so is engaging. It's unfortunate that it was so fast, though. It sort of makes the rest of the chapter feel uneventful by comparison, and in a way, it is.

Chapter 4

The exclamations at the start make for very immersive narrative, making for a strong beginning. Love how Salem throws up in the car and then is just like "sup" when Alisha comes back. The rest of the car ride is both downtime and plot-advancing, which is a well-done mix.

“It’s not impossible, you know.”

yes, salem... you too can detroit: become human

I don’t understand how it works any more than you do,

well that's a damn lie, given the interlude

Or a “hybrid.” That was the word Alisha had used. Salem didn’t know that word, but she could infer the meaning. She made an experimental series of swipes with her paw, trying to combine her signs for ‘pokémon’ and ‘human.’ Clawing motions for [POKÉMON.] Tapping her head for [PERSON.] One paw at her temple then slashing downward; [HUMAN-POKÉMON.] That would be her, soon.

this is precious

Alisha woke Salem from dreamless sleep with a gentle nudge, so she stirred, got to her feet and put her paws up on the dashboard. The car pulled in through a security gate and into a large bare-earth car park, past which she saw a broad, squat building complex, surrounded by vehicles and ringed by a network of dirt roads. Further away, fences secured the area. She could have scaled them easily if not for the spooled barbs at their tops. Beyond the complex and to every side, deciduous trees sprawled across a craggy landscape for a great distance, such as Salem had only ever seen in her imagination or on Laura’s television programs. These forests felt both dreamlike and inviting to her.

ominous levels rising

Just as Salem turned her attention back to the discussion, a door swung open for a human coming out, and Salem took the opportunity to rush past their feet and into the corridor beyond.

z o o m i e s

and a small squeeze-toy filled with catnip (which interested her enormously)

D R U G

but as Salem watched his tree-trunk limbs move

Bit of a dangerous word combo to use in the world of pokémon, imo. I couldn't tell at first if this was actually literal, especially since Salem is more literal-minded than a human at times. I wasn't sure of the species before the hoof part, since pokémon colors have much more variance in this world. I actually considered it being a shiftry.

[I am a human-pokémon, yes. Hello, little one. I am-] he signed, and then he used one she didn’t recognise, placing his hands flat together as if in prayer. ‘Church’, she guessed.

well actually he meant "blessed" from this sweet frickin morphing process

Alisha- I am tired now. Please

My pessimistic side took this and his hesitant steps as a sign of him being a poorly functioning hybrid who's possibly only convincing himself his new body and life is better because what else is he going to do... but on a reread, it's more likely to do with him being older, which 'retired' could be pointing to. However, one could imagine a morph candidate getting this false(?) assumption and deciding against going through with it, which is likely not what these people want. But maybe Church wast the only one they could get a hold of at the time, idk.

She hoped that when she woke up, she could thank Alisha with real words.

That's a nice ending. Ties to the theme well without directly mentioning humanity.

Interlude I

Honestly don't have much to say about this - which does make sense, given how it was short and mostly information I'd already heard of from you, but what I do have I'll just rapidfire:

Using canon evolutionary bullshit is a good call. Alisha is apparently a bigger dog than we knew. Using this genetic technology to make furries instead of ending world hunger with supercrops is kind of a dick move unless the technology is already available elsewhere and any findings here would only be peripheral or adding to statistics.

General

Okay, now that the material's been established, I can finish what I started with that one comment on chapter 2.

I think chapters 2 and 3 are the "weaker" ones due to their lack of conflict and the plot advancing slowly. Between Jamie letting Salem stay in the shelter and Salem deciding to sneak out to leave with Alisha, the story is at a plateau. The setting is fleshed out more and we see more of Salem, but the plot itself is frozen. There isn't really any tension as no one is antagonistic towards Salem. Everyone is either neutral or positive towards her. It feels a bit optimistic for a shelter, actually - you'd think there'd be mon given up because of personality issues or so.

A plateau could be less of a problem if it had feel-good or "fluff" content, but I do know that would conflict with the plot as Salem wouldn't have as good a reason to leave, and the second chapter is a bit early for a breather like that, anyway. Instead, I stand behind my suggestion of merging chapters 2 and 3, which would reduce the count of "downtime chapters" from two to one. It's true that it doesn't actually reduce the word count, but to me, one chapter tends to always feel like less than two. The merge would also transform chapter 3's "start" and "middle" to just "middle" in the amalgamate, where downtime is more tolerable.

Then there's chapter 4. From a plot standpoint, it's moving along much faster. Salem is clearly on the conveyor belt to humanization and it's only a matter of time before she gets her dream fulfilled. That, however, made me realize the chapter really was feeling like a conveyor belt - sights go by and things happen, but we know the destination and that what we see isn't going to change it. This is probably where my dislike of the scifi genre weighs in the most, as this would likely be very interesting for someone more into the processes themselves.

It's also a strange feeling when this would be a perfect setup for something going horribly wrong and everyone actually having lied to Salem and her being used for horrible, disturbing and painful experiments instead oh gosh oh frick! But we actually know that it's not going to happen. There is no twist of the facility being evil - which is commendable in its own way for being subversive of the trope, I'll admit, but it makes the story so far be... I don't like using this phrase, but this technically is "wish fulfilment". Every change Salem goes through from the beginning of chapter 2 is for the better. Everyone is nice or at least welcoming to Salem. Salem isn't afraid of anything after entering the facility. She doesn't doubt that she might actually be lied to. It might be the side effect of her lower intelligence and naivety - though on the other hand, fear of the unknown, new and/or strange is a very common trait for animals.

I feel like these things wouldn't be as much of an issue if Salem was a character I cared more about and truly wanted to see achieve her dream, but as I said previously, she's not very relatable. It's unfortunately not easy to think of a way to both keep her as a realistic less-sapient creature and have her be likable - plus to still have her be flawed and three-dimensional. I've had my own struggles with wanting to stay true to a protagonist's character but being told he isn't likable or engaging... so maybe this too is ultimately just down to personal preference, and Salem is divisive by default due to her concept, just like my boy.

It should be noted too that, just like I dislike scifi, I'm also not a fan of stories revolving around a single character. (Rich coming from me, I know, but sometimes you only like writing something, not reading it.) Given this and the fact that I'm already uncomfortable with a certain element of the story (the one we chatted about way back), I admit that a bias is likely affecting me. Therefore, I don't want you to feel discouraged, but do want you to keep this context in mind.

I do still expect to continue to the next chapter at some point, though, as the plot after this is unknown waters and I'm curious to see how Salem's body and mind will change. With a more aware protagonist, I'd expect other characters to be more fleshed out as the lens has changed to be able to see more dimension in other beings, and that could make me more of a fan.

To avoid leaving on such a sour note, I'll remark now that the prose is great. It's just that prose not being great is much easier to point out and deconstruct, so that's more likely to show in a review. There were some words I didn't know, but they felt like they fit and weren't forced to "sound smart" or whatever authors purposefully purple-prosing try to accomplish. They seemed like words that, while maybe not used in everyday speech, would show up in literature and were I to read more books, I would be familiar with.

Wow, that was a lot I just wrote. I hope it makes sense, and if it doesn't, feel free to reply here or hit me up in chat. Above all, I hope it's constructive despite its somewhat negative tone. Well, bye for now!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Many thanks to @namohysip, @kintsugi and @canisaries for your feedback! Doubly so to Canis for her absolute monster of a review. Nice.

Now for replies!

Namohysip:

The problem with such panic is that, after it gets so prolonged, it can tire me out

That's fair, actually. I suspect I may agree with you when I revisit this chapter.

I'm hoping that the exposition phase of 'breaking in the currently-useless body' is now over, and the rest of it can be scattered up over time while something else goes on.

Pretty much, yeah. I thought Salem's first hour was important enough to get a whole chapter, but future adaptation is likely to be mostly incidental.

Kintsugi:

I like the intro sequence a lot. [...] Body dysphoria is one of those things that I expect to see all the time in morph/PMD fics and never do [...], so seeing it taken all the way to the sensory level/reflexive movements is a good choice here.

Cheers! I was mostly focused on the immediate alien sensory experience this chapter, but I'll be running Salem through the wringer with blended bodily dysphoria and euphoria soon enough. Glad you liked.

phantom limbs/whatever the equivalent is for "my knees bend the opposite way they used to", lesser senses/not being able to scent/hear as well (?), compactness/curled feetsies?

Well, as it happens, Salem retains digitigrade legs and excellent senses. I would like to note that digitigrade and plantigrade legs don't have knees that bend opposite ways! Common misconception. Cats walk on their toes, and their "knee" is actually their heel. Their real knee is hidden in the big bulk of legfloof up by their flank. Salem's legs are now massively stretched out when at rest, but structurally they haven't changed.

Small thing, but I do I really like how you flip Alisha calling her "Salem" and "kitten".

Interesting that you think Alisha doesn't get her at all because of this. This was partly for variety, partly because Laura said "kitten" a lot and it helped to get Salem associating the same sort of feelings with Alisha as with Laura.

I'm glad that you took the time to dedicate 1+ chapters to the acclimation period.

Cheers for the vindication!

Canisaries:
Haven't had a comment this long in ages, wow. Thanks so much!

• none of this would be an issue if the phrasing was different, more clearly stating that the sun is long gone and that the sky is dark.
• I couldn't find any story reason why the mienshao couldn't be left out
• I think the two chapters would be better merged.
• I will be honest, I'm not a fan of these meta-type parts.
• Salem pretty much brushes it off and moves on, when I expected her to go sulk
• The interjections in parentheses the prose occasionally features are a bit odd to me
• There were a couple of spots [without double spaced paragraphs]. I'm assuming they're just errors.
• it's slightly hard to believe that she'd never have learned before what a dog's tail wag means.
• It's unfortunate that [sneaking out] was so fast, though. It makes the rest of the chapter feel uneventful by comparison.
• [Tree-trunk legs] is a bit of a dangerous word combo to use in the world of pokémon, imo.

Agreed/correct. Will fix this lot when it's time to revise the early chapters. They're good calls, thanks very much for mentioning them!

Since attention is brought to a real-life animal, I'm curious to what extent real life animals exist.

I keep going back and forth on this one, actually. I can only be honest. The rough worldbuilding outline I have in my head is basically that pokémon are an addition to the mundane ecosystem, and one of the most significant differences between our world and this one is that pets and service creatures tend to be pokémon and not animals. I haven't made up my mind about agriculture yet, and I constantly feel torn about the inclusion of mundane creatures because of all the questions it raises that are difficult to answer.

I'm loving the pokésign and other communication elements, but in some instances I'm not sure what's intended as part of the signing and what's just general feline body language.

Fair point! Think of the feline body language as being the "accent" and the physical motions being the "words". Pokésign has a lot of "homonyms" built in for pokémon with dissimilar bodies, but it's a sad reality of the setting that communication is still difficult even with sign, and sign is a deeply messy emergent language developed ad hoc by pokémon trainers to fulfil the needs of pokémon trainers.

• I'm a fan of the start. Having Salem stalk the center and bringing in the glameow tom both smoothen the transition from solitude and ferality to company and civilization, and it makes sense for Salem to still be hesitant and take the change gradually.
• On a positive note again: the feline body language in this fic is framed in such a way that even people unfamiliar with the intricacies understand it, but it doesn't get clunky or explain-y in a way that would hurt the flow or treat the reader as stupid. Props for that.
• Really like that more fluent signing is shown by proper capitalization while cruder signing is shown by clunky caps lock. It's an abstract choice, but well-understandable one.
• I'm a fan of the throh scene. It's colorful in character and worldbuilding, showing more of the relationship between humans and mon in this world. I always love more primal or simple descriptions of modern concepts, so I loved concrete as "strong stone".
• As the sneakout scene has known stakes, it has conflict and so is engaging.
• Love how Salem throws up in the car and then is just like "sup" when Alisha comes back. The rest of the car ride is both downtime and plot-advancing, which is a well-done mix.
• [the sign for "pokémorph"] is precious
• That's a nice ending. Ties to the theme well without directly mentioning humanity.
• I'll remark now that the prose is great.

Thanks so much for these kind words! It's especially pleasing when a reader likes the same bits I was most proud of.

I wonder if this came from Salem's or the omniscient narrator's side, though. Does Salem know about brains and their role as the thinkmeat of the body?

This is the narrator, yeah. Honestly I'm in an odd position with my narrator, since there's a vague sense that it's future!Salem without this being an epistolary/autobiographical kind of story necessarily.

well that's a damn lie, given the interlude

Well, she is a liar, but Alisha represents the organisation and understands pokémon & pokémorph wellbeing and psychology. She isn't a biologist and genuinely doesn't really know how the process actually works.

My pessimistic side took this and his hesitant steps as a sign of him being a poorly functioning hybrid

You're not far off, but his problems aren't universal. Older morphs were changed with more experimental methods, as alluded to in the interlude. This caused some problems.

I think chapters 2 and 3 are the "weaker" ones due to their lack of conflict and the plot advancing slowly. [...] the story is at a plateau. [...] There isn't really any tension as no one is antagonistic towards Salem. Everyone is either neutral or positive towards her. It feels a bit optimistic for a shelter, actually - you'd think there'd be mon given up because of personality issues or so.

I was going for "everyone is too distant from what Salem can connect to," and having her choice to move on be about rejecting what it holds. Now that you've pointed it out, it would probably be a good idea for there to be some seriously unhappy mon here. It's a fine line, since I don't want to pull the "pokémon are widely mistreated" card or have Salem's choice be too much of an obvious one, but I reckon it would make this segment more interesting. Something to bear in mind.

There is no twist of the facility being evil - which is commendable in its own way for being subversive of the trope, I'll admit, but it makes the story so far be... I don't like using this phrase, but this technically is "wish fulfilment".

Obviously becoming a morph won't be everything Salem was hoping for, but you've pointed out something pretty serious about the early chapters. This is another point that would be softened if I didn't write five chapters of what is essentially a giant prologue before moving further on, but in any case the story as-is could probably use something to stop it feeling like wish fulfilment. Not sure whether that's something I'll end up fixing directly, or if it'll dissipate with a more serious reorganisation of content.

Salem is divisive by default due to her concept

I think that's true so far, unfortunately. Future chapters will be something of a departure, but this is reminding me once again that this fic was likely better off as a non-chronological story in which Salem's past is interspersed with the present.

I'm also not a fan of stories revolving around a single character.

Fair, I guess. Gonna have other viewpoint characters, by the way.

I'm already uncomfortable with a certain element of the story

You alluded to this previously but I'm not sure you ever clarified it, exactly.

I do still expect to continue to the next chapter at some point, though, as the plot after this is unknown waters and I'm curious to see how Salem's body and mind will change. With a more aware protagonist, I'd expect other characters to be more fleshed out as the lens has changed to be able to see more dimension in other beings, and that could make me more of a fan.

Changes to Salem, plot, and meaningful connections are absolutely on their way. It is my hope that you'll stick out the bits that aren't so much to your taste and that you'll enjoy what's to come. I very much enjoy your readership!

Wow, that was a lot I just wrote. I hope it makes sense, and if it doesn't, feel free to reply here or hit me up in chat. Above all, I hope it's constructive despite its somewhat negative tone. Well, bye for now!

Yeah, this was absolutely a good review. Thanks for all your points, whether encouraging or useful. They're much appreciated and I didn't feel the overall tone was too negative, so many thanks again~

 

[ogDG]

hello, uA! i'm only on chapter 4 right now, but i fully intend on reading the entire work because now i'm quite invested haha. you do a great job of communicating what activities the humans are doing through the limited viewpoint and vocabulary of salem. (in this chapter alone, the petrol example was most notable. i could tell they arrived at a gas station before you even mentioned it in the next sentence. you seamlessly weave between an omnipotent viewpoint and salem's for the sake of the story.)
also, it's awesome that you made up your own sign language. (at least, i presume you did. i looked up the signs for PERSON in both bsl and asl, and neither of them indicate what you described.) also the way you gloss the human/pokespeak conversations adds a lot of flavour to the story.
i personally think you took a lil too long to get to the point where salem finally undergoes the hybridisation procedure, but maybe i was just too impatient since i knew where this was supposed to end up going.
i'm going to read the rest of this tomorrow, but i wanted to get in something before the end of the 20th (my time) so that you knew your reviewer didn't forget about your work