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COMPLETE: non-pokemon
- Thread starter kintsugi
- Start date
ArvAl
Not gone yet. I refuse
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2014
- Messages
- 2,466
- Reaction score
- 441
Hello, this is first time I'm reviewing another's opus. To be honest, it was a wonderful 40 ticked off minutes after reading such splendid thing. I am amused and it's worth for spelling out my thoughts.
During beginning, one note I had in mind, I thought your plot was directing towards social issues and apocalyptic events. The flow did trick me, so good job, at least for someone who haven't into literature experiences as much as you yet, haha ^^"
In any way, how do you run the ideas on subtle loneliness? I feel Midas as people who suffered deep anxiety and frantic hatred of "unconnected" compassions that led his tantrums towards everyone but one, that's what I thought about. You painted him and every other characters emotions in simplified methods-using anecdotes and stuffs-and still, I can understand what are you trying to express.
But in some particular scenes, I'm kind confused by its setting. You've pointed out most markings to guide readers which helps me re imagining locations over and over again, however the description is just vague, you know. A bit too general. Other words, I can't sense enough atmospheric surroundings for few moments. And plus, that Shanghai arc could've have been removed or shorter in later order, of course editing them again, leaving the last paragraphs as pivotal and enigmatic intro; with Rory's role takes afterwards for stronger build-ups.
Yet again, I enjoyed your thrilling narration.
Finally in my last utterances, you have created my personal interest by writing a wonderful short story indeed Iincredible to be here. I wish your mind a good health like always. Thank you and have fun!
During beginning, one note I had in mind, I thought your plot was directing towards social issues and apocalyptic events. The flow did trick me, so good job, at least for someone who haven't into literature experiences as much as you yet, haha ^^"
In any way, how do you run the ideas on subtle loneliness? I feel Midas as people who suffered deep anxiety and frantic hatred of "unconnected" compassions that led his tantrums towards everyone but one, that's what I thought about. You painted him and every other characters emotions in simplified methods-using anecdotes and stuffs-and still, I can understand what are you trying to express.
But in some particular scenes, I'm kind confused by its setting. You've pointed out most markings to guide readers which helps me re imagining locations over and over again, however the description is just vague, you know. A bit too general. Other words, I can't sense enough atmospheric surroundings for few moments. And plus, that Shanghai arc could've have been removed or shorter in later order, of course editing them again, leaving the last paragraphs as pivotal and enigmatic intro; with Rory's role takes afterwards for stronger build-ups.
Yet again, I enjoyed your thrilling narration.
Finally in my last utterances, you have created my personal interest by writing a wonderful short story indeed Iincredible to be here. I wish your mind a good health like always. Thank you and have fun!
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2014
- Messages
- 835
- Reaction score
- 244
Alright, I had to read this after seeing that It earned the Best Story award, and I must say that {valence} deserves it. No issues, no problems, nothing that could stand in the way. A complex tale with a simple message, and all the while, worth reading. Good luck on your future stories, and may you earn even more award when winter comes around.
EDIT: To add a few things, the most remarkable aspect of this story is really Midas. We have this alien presence that feels alone in the universe, and so hopes to find something or someone to satisfy that desire. No one up until the end could do that, demonstrating how we have become so isolated from our fellow men in our minds, because of the choices we make. It sort of gives a message that we must do something to ensure that others understand that we do love them, and wish to do whatever we must to show that. I'm sure others can see different messages, but that is what I saw today.
EDIT: To add a few things, the most remarkable aspect of this story is really Midas. We have this alien presence that feels alone in the universe, and so hopes to find something or someone to satisfy that desire. No one up until the end could do that, demonstrating how we have become so isolated from our fellow men in our minds, because of the choices we make. It sort of gives a message that we must do something to ensure that others understand that we do love them, and wish to do whatever we must to show that. I'm sure others can see different messages, but that is what I saw today.
Last edited:
AetherX
make plove not warble
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2010
- Messages
- 2,102
- Reaction score
- 519
So I judged this and I think it won an award? Here are my thoughts.
This is one of those pieces of writing that's great because it hits hard, delivers a message, and yet can be interpreted in many different ways. Depending on how you look at it, this could be a story about connections, love, loneliness, change, forgiveness, inevitability, rebirth, or any or all of the above. To be able to do that in such a way that the story is satisfying regardless of what you think it's about is remarkable. Looking at it from the outside, there are plenty of things that could be considered wrong with the plot as far as pacing and establishment of characters/themes goes, but honestly it does exactly what it needs to.
The only consistent character throughout is Midas. A hero? A villain? An antihero? Something else entirely? It's a story about Midas and humanity, and both of those "characters" are as wildly complex as they should be. Each individual in the story is is a different view on humanity, and yet they all seem to have something in common that helps to drive forward the themes of the story. This is another case of not being perfect, and yet being exactly what the story needed.
For something that seemed at first like the strange, otherworldly villain of a scifi horror story, Midas turned out to be completely different than I expected. Still strange, still otherworldly, but somehow a real character. We get some snippets of a past of doing this to other planets, but part of me also wishes there was a bit more elaboration on that. Would it slow down the story? Yeah. Is it necessary? Probably not. Still would have been interesting, though. He was intriguing, and yet kind of bland. I suppose part of the point was to make it seem inhuman.
I won't say I've never seen a hive mind before, but this is something altogether different. It's not just a plot element, it's a character in the story. You take a fairly niche archetype and do something with it that I've never even really thought about before. The development of Midas is key to the story. It's a single small change/lesson, but it's kind of the moral and in a one shot like this, there's not much more that you can expect form a character.
I think Midas was misplaced in the category of Antagonist, and I'm interested to see what you think about that. Antagonists aren't always "the bad guys," they're simply the ones that work against the protagonist's goals. Although the story is told through the lens of various members of the human race, it's ultimately about Midas. The lessons that it teaches humanity and the lessons that it learns in return. You might even say that humanity were the antagonists to Midas's protagonist, and the lessons that humanity's resistance, intentional or otherwise, teaches Midas are the ultimate point of the story.
I enjoy your usual style, and it shines exceptionally well in stories like this. Focusing on the emotions above all else helps the story do what it's supposed to, but there's still just enough description to establish the scene. Emotion through both dialogue and internal monologue is plentiful and well executed. Something about the style of prose offers a lot of detail to the setting in a very short space. The variety in different regions across the planet was a nice touch, showing that the response to Midas the world around was pretty much the same, even if it differed on an individual level.
Overall: original, thought-provoking, and as always well written. Good shit. Congrats on literally every award.
Edit: Before I forget, is there some kind of biblicalor Star Wars metaphor going on? The name "Luke" appears multiple times. I guess I can kinda see a biblical thing working, but I can't tell if it's intentional.
This is one of those pieces of writing that's great because it hits hard, delivers a message, and yet can be interpreted in many different ways. Depending on how you look at it, this could be a story about connections, love, loneliness, change, forgiveness, inevitability, rebirth, or any or all of the above. To be able to do that in such a way that the story is satisfying regardless of what you think it's about is remarkable. Looking at it from the outside, there are plenty of things that could be considered wrong with the plot as far as pacing and establishment of characters/themes goes, but honestly it does exactly what it needs to.
The only consistent character throughout is Midas. A hero? A villain? An antihero? Something else entirely? It's a story about Midas and humanity, and both of those "characters" are as wildly complex as they should be. Each individual in the story is is a different view on humanity, and yet they all seem to have something in common that helps to drive forward the themes of the story. This is another case of not being perfect, and yet being exactly what the story needed.
For something that seemed at first like the strange, otherworldly villain of a scifi horror story, Midas turned out to be completely different than I expected. Still strange, still otherworldly, but somehow a real character. We get some snippets of a past of doing this to other planets, but part of me also wishes there was a bit more elaboration on that. Would it slow down the story? Yeah. Is it necessary? Probably not. Still would have been interesting, though. He was intriguing, and yet kind of bland. I suppose part of the point was to make it seem inhuman.
I won't say I've never seen a hive mind before, but this is something altogether different. It's not just a plot element, it's a character in the story. You take a fairly niche archetype and do something with it that I've never even really thought about before. The development of Midas is key to the story. It's a single small change/lesson, but it's kind of the moral and in a one shot like this, there's not much more that you can expect form a character.
I think Midas was misplaced in the category of Antagonist, and I'm interested to see what you think about that. Antagonists aren't always "the bad guys," they're simply the ones that work against the protagonist's goals. Although the story is told through the lens of various members of the human race, it's ultimately about Midas. The lessons that it teaches humanity and the lessons that it learns in return. You might even say that humanity were the antagonists to Midas's protagonist, and the lessons that humanity's resistance, intentional or otherwise, teaches Midas are the ultimate point of the story.
I enjoy your usual style, and it shines exceptionally well in stories like this. Focusing on the emotions above all else helps the story do what it's supposed to, but there's still just enough description to establish the scene. Emotion through both dialogue and internal monologue is plentiful and well executed. Something about the style of prose offers a lot of detail to the setting in a very short space. The variety in different regions across the planet was a nice touch, showing that the response to Midas the world around was pretty much the same, even if it differed on an individual level.
Overall: original, thought-provoking, and as always well written. Good shit. Congrats on literally every award.
Edit: Before I forget, is there some kind of biblical
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2008
- Messages
- 69,135
- Reaction score
- 302
I’ll be the first to admit that when I first saw this I actually felt a bit intimidated by the length, your oneshots tend to be pretty long and sometimes they can get wordy. However, once I started reading it I couldn’t help but get lost in it, at first I couldn’t figure out why but then I realized that you were able to perfectly ground the idea of the world getting taken over by focusing on different points of view with every scene. Each scene focused on a different person and we were given more clues to what was going on as we went along.
For example, when we first start off with the little boy we don’t know anything about what’s going on, then as we go with each one we start to see what happens, then we meet Midas and then we start seeing more of Midas’ point of view as he begins taking over the earth.
What this created is, essentially your masterpiece and I have to ask…are you okay? Like, analyzing this and talking it over with you privately you must’ve really spent a lot of time thinking up everything, creating the different points of views and how each of these characters thinks and then the way in which Midas’ presence affects them and changes their life. Sure, overall they’re very simplistic one-off characters, but you manage to convey their lifestyle and purposes very clearly in a short-while.
Now, I honestly can’t keep going with this review without addressing the elephant in the room. For anyone that reads this review, you have been warned.
At first it isn’t too obvious but as you start to really look into it you can tell that the big theme here is depression and the way in which everyone isolates one another. Midas exemplifies this by getting into everyone’s heads, even people who would in any other situation be strong willed and sure like the fisherwoman, the artist and the woman dying in the hospital.
The first one has gone through a lot in her life and always moves forward, the second one is always upbeat and tries to look at the positive aspect of things and the third one doesn’t’ have long to live so is there really any reason for why she should bother?
Normally, in other stories, these type of characters would stand over Midas, but here you show us how even this people eventually fall. The fisherwoman manages to find a way to survive, but she realizes that she’s lived her life tied to her town and no matter how much she fights she can’t live all on her own, with no purpose, that’ll be worse than letting Midas take over.
The artist on the other hand can’t stay upbeat knowing that she was so focused on overcoming the threat that she didn’t notice her partner had been taken over and the sick woman is so focused on figuring out what’s going on before dying that she ends up going in too deep and falling for Midas in the end.
This stands well with the way in which depression influences us all, it makes us judge our purpose in life and what we should do, it can make us lose ourselves and who we are because of other people (falling in love or disappointing/letting others down) and, sometimes, if you try to analyze it you just end up falling more depressed when you realize that knowing what’s going on doesn’t mean you can solve it.
It’s kind of sad really the way in which depression can get to us. As a child it can be as simple as feeling like people aren’t giving you attention (like the kid), then when we’re teenagers and young adults it gets us by making us question if we’re really living our lives the way we want to or if we’re just letting ourselves go with the flow because that’s what everyone else does.
All of this leads to the second theme and the one that’s more noticeable of all, our connections with one another and desire to be understood. Everyone always talks about how you should trust others and be open with your feelings, but as sad as it sounds, one can never truly, one hundred percent, know someone. You can get to know them and you can learn about them and even grow with them, but there will always be an aspect of them that you won’t know.
But the thing is, and this is when Midas’ character arc comes in, we know all of that already. We know that we won’t truly be able to understand others, even if we learn everything about it. The reason we want to understand others isn’t truly to understand them, it’s to understand ourselves better, because maybe that way we’ll be happier, that way we’ll be able to accept ourselves.
I think this is the crux of Midas’ journey. He wants to find someone that truly accepts him for who he is and who allows him to accept himself. He eventually finds this in Cisco at the end, an old man, who even after all these years, who even when faced with Midas, tries his best to see his son. To him Midas isn’t millions of people, he’s his son and that last scene, to be honest, got an actual tear out of me.
I honestly have to stop here because if I don’t I’ll just end up going on even more tangents, I just have to say that I’m super jealous of how good this story is and how good you are as a writer, I hope I can one day be that good. This isn’t even without getting into your style for this particular oneshot. The description was quick, pensive, somber and seamless with a great flow that always kept me hooked.
So, while your style can sometimes work and sometimes not, I think you hit it out of the park this time. So, congratulations on winning not just Best Drama but Best Story. I hope you continue to work and write great things Ely.
For example, when we first start off with the little boy we don’t know anything about what’s going on, then as we go with each one we start to see what happens, then we meet Midas and then we start seeing more of Midas’ point of view as he begins taking over the earth.
What this created is, essentially your masterpiece and I have to ask…are you okay? Like, analyzing this and talking it over with you privately you must’ve really spent a lot of time thinking up everything, creating the different points of views and how each of these characters thinks and then the way in which Midas’ presence affects them and changes their life. Sure, overall they’re very simplistic one-off characters, but you manage to convey their lifestyle and purposes very clearly in a short-while.
Now, I honestly can’t keep going with this review without addressing the elephant in the room. For anyone that reads this review, you have been warned.
At first it isn’t too obvious but as you start to really look into it you can tell that the big theme here is depression and the way in which everyone isolates one another. Midas exemplifies this by getting into everyone’s heads, even people who would in any other situation be strong willed and sure like the fisherwoman, the artist and the woman dying in the hospital.
The first one has gone through a lot in her life and always moves forward, the second one is always upbeat and tries to look at the positive aspect of things and the third one doesn’t’ have long to live so is there really any reason for why she should bother?
Normally, in other stories, these type of characters would stand over Midas, but here you show us how even this people eventually fall. The fisherwoman manages to find a way to survive, but she realizes that she’s lived her life tied to her town and no matter how much she fights she can’t live all on her own, with no purpose, that’ll be worse than letting Midas take over.
The artist on the other hand can’t stay upbeat knowing that she was so focused on overcoming the threat that she didn’t notice her partner had been taken over and the sick woman is so focused on figuring out what’s going on before dying that she ends up going in too deep and falling for Midas in the end.
This stands well with the way in which depression influences us all, it makes us judge our purpose in life and what we should do, it can make us lose ourselves and who we are because of other people (falling in love or disappointing/letting others down) and, sometimes, if you try to analyze it you just end up falling more depressed when you realize that knowing what’s going on doesn’t mean you can solve it.
It’s kind of sad really the way in which depression can get to us. As a child it can be as simple as feeling like people aren’t giving you attention (like the kid), then when we’re teenagers and young adults it gets us by making us question if we’re really living our lives the way we want to or if we’re just letting ourselves go with the flow because that’s what everyone else does.
All of this leads to the second theme and the one that’s more noticeable of all, our connections with one another and desire to be understood. Everyone always talks about how you should trust others and be open with your feelings, but as sad as it sounds, one can never truly, one hundred percent, know someone. You can get to know them and you can learn about them and even grow with them, but there will always be an aspect of them that you won’t know.
But the thing is, and this is when Midas’ character arc comes in, we know all of that already. We know that we won’t truly be able to understand others, even if we learn everything about it. The reason we want to understand others isn’t truly to understand them, it’s to understand ourselves better, because maybe that way we’ll be happier, that way we’ll be able to accept ourselves.
I think this is the crux of Midas’ journey. He wants to find someone that truly accepts him for who he is and who allows him to accept himself. He eventually finds this in Cisco at the end, an old man, who even after all these years, who even when faced with Midas, tries his best to see his son. To him Midas isn’t millions of people, he’s his son and that last scene, to be honest, got an actual tear out of me.
I honestly have to stop here because if I don’t I’ll just end up going on even more tangents, I just have to say that I’m super jealous of how good this story is and how good you are as a writer, I hope I can one day be that good. This isn’t even without getting into your style for this particular oneshot. The description was quick, pensive, somber and seamless with a great flow that always kept me hooked.
So, while your style can sometimes work and sometimes not, I think you hit it out of the park this time. So, congratulations on winning not just Best Drama but Best Story. I hope you continue to work and write great things Ely.
Misfit Angel
Normal is an illusion
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2013
- Messages
- 2,822
- Reaction score
- 1,308
Awards thoughts! I'll just sum things up with "boy, am I confused" 
Plot:
(note: this is probably my weakest section as a judge, since I so very often miss easy to spot errors in spelling/wording, bear with me please)
Plot:
- Nothing to really comment on or complain about, so I'll just sum up what I understood of the plot. A strange force from beyond the stars has visited Earth, and with it comes the end of the world. Not complete destruction, not the fall of entire nations, but the end of what we know and are comfortable with. The end of individuality, the end of the spark of life that drives humanity. All of that is ripped away by Midas as he continues along with his plans.
- A cohesive setting doesn't feel like it's present, but it is. There's some genius to that!
- Though our time with each of the characters was brief, each one was interesting. Each was distinct. They all had their own individuality before Midas took that away. They all felt like believable people, with their own problems, their own lives.
- Midas itself, I'm not entirely certain on. I get the feeling that it's some sort of alien entity from a distant planet, but I don't know what it really is. I guess that should be the charm of this story, an 'enemy' that we don't understand. But for some reason, it bothered me that a little more wasn't given.
- I'm never disappointed with your writing skills. I can't find anything to criticize, so I'll praise some things instead.
- Throwing the explanation of how Midas propagates in about halfway through was a great touch. Usually stories that follow this sort of format never even touch on that subject, or they wait until the end, after the whole problem is resolved.
- Each scene was unique in its own way. The story didn't step all over itself as it delivered its information.
(note: this is probably my weakest section as a judge, since I so very often miss easy to spot errors in spelling/wording, bear with me please)
- There's just one mistake that I picked up on: Towards the end of the segment in Berlin, the female character is referred to as Laura rather than Lauren.
- Very well done. I didn't find any spelling mistakes (apart from the Laura/Lauren thing).
- Maybe the metaphor went over my head. Midas went away with the words, "I will always love you." But why? Is this story saying that true, unconditional love is so oft-forgotten among us? It's the thing that binds us together as a global society, but because we've so easily forgotten it, that's the cause of most of the world's problems? I don't know. As stated earlier: I'm confused.
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2010
- Messages
- 7,435
- Reaction score
- 475
While pretty much everything I have to say has already been said, I am basic and feel like saying it anyway.
This was a stellar story, one I am stunned has made it's way to a Pokemon forum. It feels like it should belong in a proper short story collection, not scattered away alongside stories about exploding buildings. I was gripped from the first paragraph, and the changing perspectives and growing scope of the world only drew me in further. For a story with no central character until about the last quarter, I found myself deeply attached to everyone. You did an amazing job of crafting layered characters in only a few hundred words, whether it be child or lesbian artist or single father, and you should be applauded for that.
Midas was an interesting character. It was nice to see him through several different eyes, and his abilities were fairly unique which is always nice to see - a rarity in supernatural stories like this. I think some more hints at his purpose early on would have helped, but that is only a mild niggle. However, the ending, mostly the last bit, did bother me a bit. It just felt a little neat. Maybe if the old man had appeared early on in the story, or his son, it might have had more impact this one man saving humanity. I think it had to end that way, as Midas 'winning' probably would have ruined the story, but the bow on this one was a little bit too neat.
It is but a small complaint. I enjoyed this story, it was great to read, was excellently written, and I wish I could read it again without knowing what to expect. I would very seriously recommend submitting this for publication professionally.
This was a stellar story, one I am stunned has made it's way to a Pokemon forum. It feels like it should belong in a proper short story collection, not scattered away alongside stories about exploding buildings. I was gripped from the first paragraph, and the changing perspectives and growing scope of the world only drew me in further. For a story with no central character until about the last quarter, I found myself deeply attached to everyone. You did an amazing job of crafting layered characters in only a few hundred words, whether it be child or lesbian artist or single father, and you should be applauded for that.
Midas was an interesting character. It was nice to see him through several different eyes, and his abilities were fairly unique which is always nice to see - a rarity in supernatural stories like this. I think some more hints at his purpose early on would have helped, but that is only a mild niggle. However, the ending, mostly the last bit, did bother me a bit. It just felt a little neat. Maybe if the old man had appeared early on in the story, or his son, it might have had more impact this one man saving humanity. I think it had to end that way, as Midas 'winning' probably would have ruined the story, but the bow on this one was a little bit too neat.
It is but a small complaint. I enjoyed this story, it was great to read, was excellently written, and I wish I could read it again without knowing what to expect. I would very seriously recommend submitting this for publication professionally.
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2010
- Messages
- 4,404
- Reaction score
- 2,208
All right. First of all, congrats on the awards! Well deserved.
Second of all, that was an understatement. HOLY SHIT. I was a fan of this and I love you. It's no surprise I'm a fan of emotional, introspective works like this, but still, ya know, I appreciated this and I appreciate you writing it and sharing it with us.
There's definitely multiple ways to interpret this like a previous reviewer said (I forget who, read them last night), and I'm not sure if any interpretation over another was intentional, but I took everything as: no one can fully understand each other. No one can express themselves properly, through words or otherwise, and everyone feels alone because of this. However.... that doesn't mean people can't accept you or love you for what they do understand/know about you. Life's not all black and white. Even if you've done something wrong, you can still be loved and forgiven. I'm probably slightly biased in this interpretation because I myself think very much in black and white and am trying to not be so, well, black and white. This story reminded me how detrimental that kind of thinking can be.
The pacing was spot on, and each character was brilliantly brought to life in such few words. Midas becoming a full-fledged character was unexpected, and extremely well written also. He really felt like a true character I'd been attached to for a long time, and when I remembered that he was meant to embody the entire human race, I just kind of paused and let that fact sink it. It hurt hard.
Again, congrats and thanks for writing this.
Second of all, that was an understatement. HOLY SHIT. I was a fan of this and I love you. It's no surprise I'm a fan of emotional, introspective works like this, but still, ya know, I appreciated this and I appreciate you writing it and sharing it with us.
There's definitely multiple ways to interpret this like a previous reviewer said (I forget who, read them last night), and I'm not sure if any interpretation over another was intentional, but I took everything as: no one can fully understand each other. No one can express themselves properly, through words or otherwise, and everyone feels alone because of this. However.... that doesn't mean people can't accept you or love you for what they do understand/know about you. Life's not all black and white. Even if you've done something wrong, you can still be loved and forgiven. I'm probably slightly biased in this interpretation because I myself think very much in black and white and am trying to not be so, well, black and white. This story reminded me how detrimental that kind of thinking can be.
The pacing was spot on, and each character was brilliantly brought to life in such few words. Midas becoming a full-fledged character was unexpected, and extremely well written also. He really felt like a true character I'd been attached to for a long time, and when I remembered that he was meant to embody the entire human race, I just kind of paused and let that fact sink it. It hurt hard.
Again, congrats and thanks for writing this.
