EVERYONE: Wealth Of Smash Brothers

[Palkia Ruler Of Space]

This is the first few paragraphs of a a Smash Brothers fanfic I wrote. It is called "Wealth Of Smash Brothers" (named after Adam Smith's "Wealth Of Nations"). Smith will show up later in the story. If you guys like this fanfic, I will post more of it. NOTE: This fan fiction contains mild cartoony violence. Also, Mega Man drinks wine and a handful of characters smoke cigarettes.



“Air slash!” cried Shulk as he swung his sword toward Ben Franklin, a recently released downloadable character. “Not today!” Taunted Franklin as he parried and sent Shulk flying offstage with a smash attack. In his ecstasy from defeating Shulk, however, he failed to notice the pearlescent Smash Ball floating behind him. George Washington seized it and activated his horrifyingly powerful Final Smash: The dreaded Cherry Tree Chop!

The impact of the falling cherry tree was too much for Franklin, who was launched offstage by the gargantuan shock wave. “GAME!” yelled the announcer in his booming voice. “I veto you!” said Washington cheesily as his victory animation played. Unbeknownst to him, however, a stealthy opponent was waiting in the shadows, just waiting to strike. “Ribbit.” said Greninja in the most awesome way possible. Greninja had been hired to shadow Washington and keep tabs on him for his master, Mega Man.

Mega Man had a good life. After his years as a veritable god of the NES, he moved into the field of weapons trafficking. “Sonic,” said the corrupt robo-magnate, “Has Greninja reported back yet?” “TOO FAST FOR YA!” screamed Sonic in reply. “Hmm,” said Mega Man under his breath “I must get some new henchmen.” He walked along the dimly lit hallway of his evil fortress. Then he yelled, “CHROM!” No one answered. “Mega Man,” Male Robin began, “He’s not in this game.”

“CURSES!” yelled Mega Man as his arm cannon began to glow. “I must get some new henchmen!” A few days later, a long line stretched out of Mega Man’s Southern California mansion. “He said the interview was at 9:30.” Said Samus impatiently as she lit a cigarette on her arm cannon. “You should’t smo-” began Zelda as Samus, without even turning around, blasted her into orbit.

Unaware of his potential employee’s impatience, Mega Man was inside, binge-watching “Orange Is The New Black” and drinking wine (his absolute favorite activity). “Uh, boss,” began Male Robin timidly “there are some people outdoors.” Mega Man let out a frustrated sigh. “Just tell them I’m not home or something. Take some initiative for once in your life.” Male Robin returned a few minutes later. “Boss, they’re still there.” A frustrated groan emanated from the den, followed by a wine bottle which whirled past Male Robin’s head and shattered on the ground behind him. A muttered stream of profanity and curses towards humanity floated out from the room.

A few minutes later, Mega Man arrived at the front door in his signature leopard-print sweatpants and “Save Ferris” T-shirt. “Alright,” said an irritable Mega Man “This isn’t Grand Central Station. What do you people want?” Mario and Luigi looked up from their frantic game of charades. “I’m here for the merc job.” Said Samus as she ashed her cigarette into Luigi’s mustache and promptly lit another. On the topic of mustaches, Samus’ facial hair put even Mario’s to shame. “What?” Said Mega Man with surprise in his voice, “That’s today?”

Mega Man began the interviews. First up was Samus. “Give me this job or I’ll make sure that you never watch ‘Better Call Saul’ again.” She said. Mega Man, unperturbed and smelling of cheap wine and Reeses, calmly said “Next!” Samus was not pleased. She lunged over the desk while Male Robin sprang into action. She grabbed Mega Man just before she was knocked unconscious by a lightning spell.

Marth was at the back of the line, right behind a gastrointestinally-disturbed Kirby. Kirby let out a tortured groan and said “I shouldn’t have eaten tacos from that stand in the alley. Got any Rolaids?” Marth was just opening his mouth when another blast of noxious wind hit him in the face like a ton of bricks. When he eventually woke up, Marth realized that it was his turn for the interview. “What are your skills?” Said Mega man. Marth handed Mega Man a copy of his latest Hip-Hop album and said “I think my work speaks for itself.”

Mega Man was blown away. “That was beautiful...” he said with a tear in his eye. That was when Greninja flashed into view. “Ribbit.” he said stealthily as he set down the Dunkin’ Donuts bag on Mega Man’s table. Unimpressed, Mega Man asked “What did you find out on Washington?” In a series of “Ribbits”, Greninja said “I found out that George Washington has a really cool Final Smash and that his favorite anime is Kill La Kill.” “Kill La Kill?” said Mega Man with just a hint of disgust in his voice.

A baseball sailed through the air from the neighbor’s yard. Greninja tossed a water shuriken and the baseball fell. Marth screamed in terror as the white orb fell to the ground. “Your first mission,” Said Mega Man to Marth, “Is to defeat those idiot neighbor kids in battle!” Marth made a noise that sounded not unlike that of a frightened puppy. Marth entered the neighbor’s yard and saw two boys playing baseball. “Mega Man says not to hit any more baseballs into his yard.” Said Marth timidly. Before he could even react, however, one of the boys hit a baseball directly into his stomach. “Oh, no you didn’t!” said Marth. “Oh, yes I did.” said the boy in response.

Mega Man wondered what was taking so long. And why he kept hearing high-pitched screams and what sounded suspiciously like Marth being hit with a baseball bat. “Can I work in PR instead?” said Marth faintly before collapsing to the ground. Mega Man let out another exasperated sigh. “Fire up Downton Abbey. I must binge-watch something!” He yelled at Male Robin.

Samus slowly regained consciousness. The last thing that she remembered doing before being knocked out by the peculiarly-dressed white-haired man was trying collapse that blue robotic man’s throat. “I need a cigarette.” She thought to herself. When she reached for her cigarettes, however, there were none there. Something deep and primal shook loose inside Samus. She looked at her arm cannon, then at Mega Man, who was watching Series 3 of Downton Abbey in his squalid living room. She fired a high-speed rocket through his window and into his 60-inch 4K TV. Mega Man emitted a primal scream. The one thing that gave his life meaning was gone.

Seconds later, Mega Man was on the phone, talking to his right-hand man. “I would,” said Villager in his malevolent voice, “but I am too busy sacrificing stuffed animals right now. Call me later.” Just before Mega Man hung up, he could hear Villager starting his sharpening wheel. “Villager always gets the job done.” Said Mega Man with an evil chuckle. Male Robin laughed nervously.

Villager was a hard man. He looked relatively unassuming, lived in an upper-middle class neighborhood, and got along famously with his neighbors. Unbeknownst to his friends, however, he had a dark secret: He was the world’s deadliest assassin. With over 600 confirmed kills, he was the most feared man on the planet. As he went down to his basement (where he kept his weapons), he forgot to lock the door behind him. Then his wife came down. She looked like she had just been hit in the face with an oar. Villager said “You must tell NO ONE.”

Villager’s wife had a secret of her own, however. “I’m an assassin, too.” She said. “Wow,” said Villager, “This is like Mr. And Mrs. Smith or something.” A few minutes later, they were in their car, on their way to eliminate Samus. Villager suddenly hit the brakes. It looked like there was a street brawl up ahead. A person dressed as Spongebob was battering another person dressed as Mr. Krabs. “Are you feeling it, Mr. Krabs?” yelled an encostumed Link as he hit Shulk (who was dressed as Mr. Krabs) with his sword. “I”M REALLY FEELING IT!” Yelled Shulk as he rolled out of the way of a downward stab.

Seeing this cartoony, yet horrific, violence in the street made Villager reconsider his life choices. In that split second, Villager found enlightenment. He got out of his car and went up to the battling swordsmen. “My brethren,” he began “We shall not fight. Let us rejoice in our spiritual awakening.” he said as he grabbed Link’s and Shulk’s hands. Link was more uncomfortable than ever before. Even more so than the time he googled “Batman Fan Fiction”.

Back at Mega Man’s house, Male Robin was on the Miiverse. As he saw the malicious posters’ comments, a single tear glinted in his eye. Mega Man stormed in. “WHAT’S TAKING VILLAGER SO LONG?” he yelled. “WHEN I WANT VILLAGER TO DO SOMETHING, IT GETS DONE! ARE YOU CRYING, MALE ROBIN?” he followed. “N-no.” Male Robin said as he wiped away his tears. Mega Man glanced at the computer screen. “But, but...” he said in shock, “that’s so mean.” Mega Man could not help but shed a tear.

Villager arrived at Mega Man’s mansion. He walked in and laid his axe down on the ground at Mega Man’s feet. “I can’t do this anymore.” said Villager. “I shall kill no more. From here on I will dedicate my life to nonviolence and peace!” he yelled triumphantly. Mega Man hit the table in frustration. “NOW who will do my dirty work?!” he bellowed. “GRENINJA!” Greninja dropped down from the ceiling. “Ribbit.” he said. “Greninja, I need you to kill Samus.” “Ribbit.” said Greninja with a steely glint in his eye.

Later, Greninja was outside of Samus’ house, katana in hand. Just as he was about to leap through the window and kill her, however, he noticed that she had the entire series of “Pretty Little Liars” Blu-Rays. It was Greninja’s favorite show. As Samus was walking up to the front door, she noticed the amphibious assassin looking through her window. Cannon armed, she asked what he was doing. “Ribbit.” he said embarrassedly. Then, for the first time in his life, he spoke words. “Samus,” he said, “I like Pretty Little Liars, too. Shall we binge-watch, my love?” Moments later, they were inside, eating popcorn and watching TV.

Across town, George Washington, Meta Knight, and Ben Franklin were in the supermarket. “kicked your butt in Smash the other day.” Taunted George. “Did not.” Replied Franklin. Then, over by the cheese, George saw Samus and Greninja. Meta Knight had a look of dejected shock on his face. “But,” he said “I like Pretty Little Liars MUCH more than Greninja.” Greninja heard Meta Knight’s comment with his ninja-sharp hearing. “Excuse me?” he said ominously. “Wait a sec,” said Meta Knight “since when do you talk?” “Since I met Samus.” said Greninja dreamily.

“Who’s the round guy?” said Samus as she put some Doritos in the cart. “Only the world’s BIGGEST Liars fan.” replied Meta Knight. “Nope,” she said without missing a beat, “That’s Greninja.” “There’s only one way to settle this,” said Greninja, “DANCE-OFF!” Meta Knight, however, was short and round. Greninja DESTROYED him. Then he made Meta Knight pay for all of his groceries and went back to Mega Man’s house.

“Ah,” said Mega Man, “Greninja returns.” Greninja walked into Mega Man’s office. “Have you killed Samus?” Said Mega Man. “Not exactly.” said Greninja. Samus walked in, Mega Man’s Downton Abbey collection in hand and her arm cannon glowing blue. “No!” Said Mega Man desperately. “Anything but that!” An ultraviolet blast filled the room. The Downton Abbey disc set was no more. Greninja and Samus high-fived, much to Mega Man’s hatred. “Nobody tries to kill me.” Said Samus as she lit another cigarette on her arm cannon.

Marth was in his living room, doing interpretive dance yoga. “Once I complete this workout,” thought Marth, “I can be the best guard that Mega Man ever had!” Marth finished his workout and went to the local watering hole: A dive called Jacquelyn’s Juice Bar. As he walked through the door, the patrons’ talk of vinyl records and indie music faded. “Gimme something strong.” said Marth to the bartender. A glass of strawberry-papaya juice was placed in front of him. Marth pounded down glass after glass of the fruity concoction. When Marth got drunk, he got mean.

“Mp3 is better than vinyl.” Said Marth to a customer who was loudly bragging that his collection of indie folk-rock records was the best. “Excuse me, buddy?” Said the patron angrily. “You heard me.” Said Marth. “I am so Twitter-warring you!” Said the man. “Bring it ON.” Taunted Marth. A few minutes later, Marth (having thoroughly schooled the man in a Twitter war) stumbled over to Mega Man’s house and tried to kick down the door. He failed, and instead was knocked back onto the sidewalk. “Ouch.” He said before passing out.

In the morning, Male Robin found him as he went out to pick up that morning’s paper. “Marth,” he said, “what are you doing here?” Marth sprang up. “I will prove to Mega Man that I am the finest warrior he will ever see!” “Male Robin, where’s my coffee?!” yelled Mega Man from indoors. “Coming, boss!” Male Robin said. “I need my energy for when I defeat George Washington and Ben franklin in battle today.” Mega Man, dressed in a “Breaking Bad” shirt and bright blue bike shorts, said in an upbeat tone. “They will crumple under the power of my leaf shield.” Male Robin could not help but let out a stifled laugh.

Later that day, after receiving an epic thrashing from the founding fathers, Mega Man asked Male Robin “How did they beat me?” Male Robin bit his lip. As a battered Mega Man walked past Ben Franklin, he said, “You may have defeated me in battle, but my hair is WAY better than yours!” “I beg to differ.” Said Ben Franklin as he transformed into a ninja. “I’ll bet it’s all product.” said Ben Franklin as he drew a katana. “I am naturally blessed with perfect hair!” Said a visibly enraged Mega Man. After the battle and heated hair argument, Mega Man went to vote for the next president. “Hmm,” he said as he chewed his lip, “Zero-Suit Samus or Ike?” “I like Ike.” Said Male Robin absentmindedly. That was when Mega Man saw the “Other Candidate” box. He quickly wrote “Mega Man” in the box.




The following day, Mega Man received a call. “You have been elected president!” said the cheerful man over the phone. “MALE ROBIN!” yelled Mega Man. “What is it, sir?” said Male Robin. Mega Man informed Male Robin of his recent election as president. “That’s fantastic, sir.” he said. Male Robin, however, wished that Ike had won. Ike was his friend. “My first act as president will be to implement a nationwide Hawaiian Shirt Friday policy.” Mega Man changed into a garish, vibrant Hawaiian shirt.

Later, at Mega Man’s inauguration party, Male Robin realized that Mega Man would be an awful president. A man who could’t even understand any politics outside of those present in his favorite TV shows was running the country. “And now,” said Announcer in his booming voice, “Here’s Yoshi with ‘Rock And Roll All Nite’.” Villager, who attended Mega Man’s inauguration party, was disgusted. “Think of the children!” he thought. “Great party, huh Villager?” said Bowser as he bowled Villager over with a slap on the back. “This music is too loud, don’t you think?” Said Villager. Bowser slowly backed away.

Mega Man and his entourage sat down to a dinner of Reeses and wine, Mega Man’s favorite binge-watching snacks. “Friends, colleagues, payrollees,” began Mega Man, “I have no idea how I got elected President. One day, I put my name down on the ballot. The next, I became President!” As Mega Man prattled on, Captain Falcon and Charizard watched from afar while they argued. “Tool.” Began Charizard, “No way is Fate/Stay Night better than Naruto.” “You like Naruto? What a n00b.” Chuckled Captain Falcon. “Only one way to settle this,” said Charizard, “Slap fight”. “I will falcon-slap you out of existence!” said Captain Falcon. “Bring it ON.” Taunted Charizard. Just as the fight was about to begin, however, they remembered that they were supposed to be observing Mega Man. Their mission was to plant Mega Man, the most incompetent person on Earth, in one of the most powerful positions on Earth so that their master, Jigglypuff, could seize power in the ensuing chaos.

“Why couldn’t we just put you in power, Jigglypuff?” Captain Falcon asked. “Because, you moron,” replied Jigglypuff, “That’s NEVER how it works on TV.” “But they always lose on TV.” Said Charizard. The orange dragon was met with a slap in the face. “But,” began Jigglypuff, “I have watched countless movies and TV episodes and perfected my strategy so that it is foolproof. My plan will not fail!” The doors to Jigglypuff’s evil lair opened. Ness And Lucas walked in. “Have you neutralized Marth?” Asked Jigglypuff. “Does a shotgun,” began Ness as he conjured a small flame in his hand “neutralize a mosquito?” Lucas polished the brass knuckles he was wearing. “Yeah,” he said in an Arkhamverse street thug voice, “we whacked ‘im real good.”

Suddenly, the doors crashed open and a silhouetted figure appeared in the doorway. “You thought you could keep me down.” He said. “But I got a tattoo, so I’m tough now.” Marth walked in, showing the “Live, Laugh, Love” tattoo that adorned his upper right arm. Jigglypuff laughed. “Wii Fit Trainer,” he said, “Flatten him.” Wii Fit Trainer finished off her bottle of Jack Daniels, put out her cigar on her palm, and cracked her knuckles. Marth held up his sword confidently. Wii Fit Trainer calmly walked up, grabbed Marth’s sword, and snapped it as though it were a twig. “A sword is nothing.” Said Marth “Face the wrath of my Tai Chi moves!”

Wii Fit Trainer picked up Marth and squashed him into a size no larger than a toaster. She then threw him out the door and into the Rhododendrons out front. “I thought you said that Marth was taken care of.” Said Jigglypuff ominously. Lucas began to stutter nervously, but Ness remained cold and calculating. “Finish them.” Said Jigglypuff to Wii Fit Trainer. Wii Fit Trainer had four feet and 300 pounds of muscle on Ness and Lucas each. “No prob.” Said Ness casually as he paralyzed the titanic trainer with a thunderbolt. Lucas went for the takedown, and the camera went into slow motion as the final blow connected. “That was awesome! Like from Batman or something!” Said Lucas.

Ness walked out to his Lamborghini as the James Bond theme played in the background. “Aw, man,” said Lucas, “I wish I had a cool car and a theme song.” Lucas walked over to his 1984 Station Wagon and tried to turn the motor over. The ancient automobile let out a cough of black smoke and died. “Hey, Ness,” he began, “can I bum a ride?” “Let’s burn rubber.” Said Ness in reply.

Zelda had been floating in space for several days. Finally, however, she could feel the Earth’s gravity pulling her back down. As she plummeted back to Earth, she had only one thought on her mind: “I can’t believe I missed Donut Friday!” Luckily, she landed right outside a Dunkin’ Donuts. She charged inside, asking “Is it still Donut Friday?!” The greasy-looking clerk said “It’s Tuesday.” Zelda was furious. She had missed Donut Friday because of Samus. “SAMUS!” She yelled savagely. “So, are you, like, gonna buy anything?” Asked the clerk. With a blast of magic, Zelda knocked the door off its hinges. “So, you just, like, come in and buy zippy zap. Whatevs.” said the clerk under his breath.

Meanwhile, Mega Man was just getting back from the inauguration party when he saw something rustling around in the bushes. “Male Robin,” he said, “go see what that is.” A blue-haired man with a fedora walked out of the junipers. “Male Robin,” said the figure, “it’s been a while.” “Chrom.” Said Male Robin. “BRO HUG!” They said simultaneously. “C’mon buddy,” said Male Robin, “Let’s play some Mario Kart!”

Mega Man got out of the car and tried to go inside. However, the door was locked. He turned around and saw a figure that was about four feet high and holding what looked like a baseball bat. The figure swung the bat and everything went black. When he woke up, Mega Man was tied to a chair and there were three shadowy figures in front of him. “Ninten,” said one in a distorted voice, “did you encounter any resistance on your mission?” “None.” He replied in a deep, mechanical tone.

Back at Mega Man’s house, Male Robin and Chrom were playing Mario Kart. “I’m gonna go get some snacks.” Said Male Robin. As he walked into the kitchen, he saw a message on the flickering monitor. “IF YOU WANT TO SEE MEGA MAN AGAIN, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS EXACTLY. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED.” “Psh,” said Male Robin as he pressed the power button, “probably just some teenagers goofing around.”

“A shame.” Said Ninten in his mechanical voice. “No one has responded yet. We need to send a message. Ness, hack into Male Robin’s Wii U.” Just as the blue shell was about to slam into Chrom’s racer, the screen went black. Then Ness, Lucas, Ninten, and Mega Man appeared on the screen. “If you want to see Mega Man again, you will leave 50 million dollars in an unmarked package in the alley behind the toy store.” “Chrom,” said Male Robin with a murderous gleam in his eye, “let’s get Mega Man back.”

As the three Brothers From Other Mothers (who were going to a restaurant to celebrate their 36th, 30th, and 19th birthdays) were preparing to leave, Male Robin kicked down the door, incapacitating Ninten and pinning him to the ground. He delivered a crippling pommel strike on Ness while Chrom took out Lucas with a spin kick. “Where,” said Male Robin as he booted up the web browser on Ninten’s computer, “IS MEGA MAN?!” “I’ll,” said Ninten with a tortured groan, “never talk!” “That can be arranged,” said Male Robin viciously as he clicked on “history”, “WHERE IS HE?!” “What if he finds out that I’m a brony?” Thought Ninten. “AAAAHHH! I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK!” “Good.” Said Male Robin as Ninten divulged Mega Man’s location and was subsequently knocked out.

As Male Robin cut off Mega Man’s handcuffs, the impatient arms trafficker said, “Hurry up! I’m gonna miss Downton Abbey!” “Let’s roll!” Said Chrom as the three climbed into Mega Man’s Mercedes. As the three drove home, Chrom posted “Ninten=Brony. LOLZ.” on his Twitter page. Before long, they were back home, Male Robin playing Mario Kart with Chrom and Mega Man watching TV. “Chrom,” said Male Robin, “Would you like to live here?” “Boy, would I!” Said Chrom as Male Robin blue-shelled him. Mega Man spit out the mouthful of chocolate he was eating as he heard this. “Ugh,” he said in an annoyed tone, “fine.”