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TEEN: Welcome to the Insanity! - Ch. 3

Chapter 1

SinnohEevee

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Content warning: This may contain some swearing, mild violence, and some traumatic events. Sexual content on the other hand will be avoided.

Index:
Red and Blue:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2

Chapter One

It was May 22nd, 1996, a special day for a young boy living in Pallet Town named Ash Ketchum; it was his 10th birthday! Not only that but his mother, Delia, had an unexpected surprise for him.

"Here's your present Ash!" she said after they finished eating the cake.

"What is it mom?" the boy asked, as he took the wrapped box.

"It's a surprise," said his mother.

Opening the box, the boy was pleasantly surprised to see what it contained.

"A Poké Ball!" he exclaimed, amazed. "What kind of Pokémon is it?" he asked, excited.

"You will find out soon"

The boy took the Poké Ball and touched the button, which caused the ball to open and release a quadrupled brown fox Pokémon.

"Eevee!" it exclaimed.

"Wow! An Eevee!" said the boy, showing the biggest grin he had ever given. He immediately scratched the cute little fox on her forehead, obtaining a happy purr in return. "Thank you, mom!"

"You're welcome, honey!" said the woman, smiling at the sight of her son and his new Pokémon bonding so quickly.


It was March 31st, 1997, and Ash was watching the final match of Pokémon League Conference at Indigo Plateau.

"Gengar, use Hypnosis ", commanded a Trainer to his Ghost-type

The attack hit, causing the opponent's Pokémon to fell asleep.

"Nidorino, returned", said its Trainer, returning his sleeping Poison-type, before adding "Onix, go!" A giant rock snake materialized from its Poké Ball.

"Ash!", called his mother, seeing her son still awake.

"Yes, mom?" responded the boy.

"You should be asleep. If you're late to the lab, you may miss your chance to pick Charmander"

"I want to know who will win this match", the boy protested.

"You will learn about it tomorrow at the news. Now, honey, go to sleep before its too late."

"OK, mom!" said the boy before turning off the TV.



Ash's Voltorb alarm clock rang many times that morning, but not only he wouldn't wake up, he even ended up smashing it against the wall during his sleep. His mother had to wake him up by herself.

"Ash Ketchum! Wake up, honey!"

"Can I sleep more mom?"

"It's 7:30. Professor Oak will give out the starters in 30 minutes"

Seeing her son still snoring, the woman brought her Arcanine pet, Arca, and told her to lick her son.

"I am awake", said a laughing Ash, and scratched the forehead of the dog.

"Now, dress up quickly and go eat your breakfast," ordered the mother to her son.



After having some quick breakfast with Eevee, the raven-haired boy put the brown mammal on his shoulder and went running to Professor Oak's lab. Arriving near the building, he saw his former-childhood-friend-now-turned-rival, Gary Oak.

"I see you're late as always, Ash-boy", said the mahogany-haired boy, him too having an Eevee on his shoulder. "You should give up because you're never going to make it to the Indigo League", he added, with a grin.

"Don't listen to him, Ash. Plus, it's still 7:55 AM", said Leaf, a friendly rival of the raven-haired boy. She had a Cleffa on her shoulder.

When the time came, the Professor opened the door of his laboratory and let the three children in.

"Hello Gary, Ash, and Leaf," said the old man, before pointing to a table with three Poké Balls on it. Each ball has a symbol; the one containing Bulbasaur was marked with a leaf, the one containing Charmander was marked with a flame, and the one containing Squirtle was marked with a drop of water.

"While I know that each of you already has a Pokémon, it wouldn't hurt to give you each a regional starter. Since these Pokémon are hard to find in the wild, you must choose wisely which Pokémon you will pick", finished the Pokémon professor.

"That's easy gramps! I will go with Squirtle", said Gary.

"I like Charmander", said Ash.

"I always wanted Bulbasaur, plus, it fits with my name", said Leaf.

"Now that each of you made their choice, pick the Poké Ball of the Pokémon you want, and take one of these", said Gary's grandfather while pointing to three devices on the table.

"What are these?" asked Ash.

"This is called a Pokédex. It's an electronic Pokémon encyclopedia. If you point it at a Pokémon, it will give you information about that Pokémon's species. It also collects data about Pokémon you catch", said the old man. He also gave 4 Poké Balls to the three children. "Now, go on your journeys, try to catch as much Pokémon as you can, and try also to make Pallet Town proud at the League," finished the Pokémon professor.

"Don't worry gramps! I will catch all the Pokémon that are in Kanto", said a smirking Gary, before adding "you two better give up, I will become the best Pokémon Master in the world. Smell ya later gramps!"

"He doesn't change, does he?" asked Leaf, after the cocky boy left the lab.

"I hope this journey makes him more mature. It's not with this attitude that I became Champion", said Prof Oak.

"Ash, would you mind if we travel together to Pewter City?" asked Leaf.

"Of course not!"

"Thanks! You know, I am afraid of forests even since that incident…"

As Ash exited the building, he was met by his mother and a cheering crowd with "Go Ash Go" signs. Gary was arrogantly proclaiming that he will become the best Pokémon Master in the world, before leaving with his annoying cheerleaders who kept chanting "Gary, Gary is our man. If he can't do it, no one can"

"Oh Ash, I am so proud of you", she said while hugging him tightly, before adding "I am going to miss you so much. Stay safe and don't forget to change your underwear."

"Mom! You're embarrassing me!" exclaimed the boy.

"I see you got yourself another cute Pokémon. Hello Charmander!"

"Charmander", exclaimed the lizard, happy.

"Just watch me catch all the Pokémon in Kanto, right Charmander and Eevee?" said the boy. Eevee made a thrilling sound while Charmander cried his name.

"I am so proud of my boy. Before you leave, I have something for you. It's your own Pokégear, don't forget to call me", said Delia Ketchum.

"Thanks, mom! I promise that I won't forget to call you", said the boy while taking the device and hugging his mother tightly.

Like the overexcited kid he was, Ash started running towards the hill separating Pallet Town from Route 1. His Eevee tried to attract his attention to something, pointing a paw towards the city they just left, but to no avail. After she finished talking to her dad, Leaf looked around and facepalmed at seeing Ash on the hill without her. She started running after him. But as Ash reached the summit, he noticed something in the sky. Wondering what it was, he pointed his Pokédex at it.

Ho-Oh

Type: Fire

Category: Rainbow Pokémon

Description: It will reveal itself before a pure-hearted trainer by shining its bright rainbow-coloured wings.

"A pure-hearted Trainer?" exclaimed the boy. "Does it think I have a pure heart?" he wondered. He then heard footsteps and a familiar voice calling him.

"Ash!!!" shouted someone behind him.

"Leaf?"

"Ash, did you forget that we are supposed to travel together to Pewter City," she said, in a reproach.

"Oops! Sorry! I forgot"

"It's no big deal," she said, before adding "By the way, I think I saw a Pokémon flying, but it's something I have never seen before. Maybe it was my imagination," she finished, wondering.

"I too saw it, it's a Pokémon called Ho-Oh"

"Ho-Oh?"

"Yes. The Pokédex said it appears to a pure-hearted Trainer."

"Knowing you, that wouldn't surprise me," said the girl, before adding "it's good that it decided to show itself at that moment, else it would have been harder to catch up to you"

"Sorry!"

"No need to apologize again. I already am used to you. Also, how about we check what the Pokédex has to say about our Pokémon before we start catching others?"

"Great idea", said Ash, before he took a look at his Pokédex.

He started with his Starter.

Eevee

Gender: F

Ability: Anticipation

Type: Normal

Category: Evolution Pokémon

Moves: Growl, Tackle, Tail Whip, and Sand Attack.

Description: Possessing an unbalanced and unstable genetic makeup, it conceals many possible evolutions. Its genes are easily influenced by its surroundings. Even its face starts to look like that of its Trainer.

He then looked at what the little electronic encyclopedia had to say about his Regional Starter.

Charmander

Gender: M

Ability: Blaze

Type: Fire

Category: Lizard Pokémon

Moves: Scratch and Growl

Description: From the time it is born, a flame burns at the tip of its tail. Its life would end if the flame were to go out.

His friend did the same, starting with Cleffa then with Bulbasaur.

Cleffa

Gender: F

Ability: Magic Guard

Type: Fairy

Category: Star Shape Pokémon

Moves: Pound, Charm, and Encore

Description: Because of its unusual, star-like silhouette, people believe that it came here on a meteor. On nights with many shooting stars, they gather in packs and dance in circles. If you should see them, something good will happen!


Bulbasaur

Gender: F

Ability: Chlorophyll

Type: Grass/Poison

Category: Seed Pokémon

Moves: Tackle and Growl

Description: It can go for days without eating a single morsel. In the bulb on its back, it stores energy.





As the two Pallet Town natives entered the large route surrounded by oak trees on its both sides, they were met by a small electric shock. Ash looked at the culprit, who was smiling mischievously. He had no time to reach for his Pokédex as the mouse was charging another attack, so he sent out Eevee against it.

"Eevee, use Tackle", shouted the Trainer.

The fox-like Pokémon obliged, but got hit by a Thunder Shock. Pichu started recharging his attack.

"Dodge and use Sand Attack, then Tackle"

The quadrupled fox-like Pokémon got out of the way of the Thunder Shock before it hit and threw sand on Pichu's face. While the mouse was trying to get the sand away from him, she Tackled him. Ash spared no time and lobbed a Poké Ball at Pichu, the device wobbled thrice, and there was a click.

"I caught a Pichu!" exclaimed the Trainer, with a pose. Eevee congratulated him with a thrill.

He took his Pokédex and looked at Pichu's entry.

Pichu

Gender: M

Ability: Lightning Rod

Type: Electric

Category: Tiny Mouse Pokémon

Moves: Thunder Shock and Charm

Description: Despite this Pokémon's cute appearance, those who want to live with one should prepare to be on the receiving end of its electric jolts.




Ash's stomach started to rumble, which drew a chuckle from Leaf.

"I guess it's time for a break. Let's sit under that big tree," said the girl, pointing to a tree taller than the rest located at fifty centimetres from them. Once they sat down, Ash let his Regional Starter and his newly-captured Pokémon out of their Poké Balls.

"Ouch!" he shouted, after receiving an electric shock. The culprit was grinning.

"What was that for?" he asked in an annoyed tone.

"What you did wasn't nice," said Charmander in Pokémon, angry.

"And what will you do if I do it again?"

Charmander's flame grew slightly hotter. "Don't test me", he said.

Each of the humans called for the Pokémon to come eating, serving them Berries they had in their backpacks. As Leaf was trying to put more ketchup on her hamburger, she realized that the bottle was gone. Turning around, she saw the culprit and went after him.

"Gotcha", she said, taking the bottle from him, earning a Thunder Shock in return.

"Pichu! That wasn't nice at all!" shouted his Trainer, who had been giving more food to the Pokémon. "Apologize now!" he ordered. The mouse responded by shocking him. Seeing this, Charmander became enraged, and run after the rodent, slapping him with his tail, which sent Pichu flying. Bulbasaur caught him with her vine, avoiding the little mouse more injury.

"Hey! Knock it off!" shouted Ash to Pichu and Charmander, trying to avoid more tensions between the two Pokémon.

"I don't think that was necessary, Charmander," said Eevee to him.

"Did you see what he did?"

"I know he's a jerk, but violence isn't always the answer."

"He needs to improve his behaviour."

"I agree. Hopefully, Ash manages to make him improve."



Now that everyone, including Ash, was full, the two Pallet Town Trainers returned all of their Pokémon to their Poké Balls (save for Eevee and Cleffa) and continued walking the long route. It would take 3 days for them to reach the next city, so they would have to sleep under the stars. But for now, what the Trainers needed was more Pokémon. Looking right, Ash saw a potential new capture at a distance away. He took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the creature. While, like with many common Pokémon, he already knew what it was, he still wanted to see what the encyclopedia had to say about it.

Pidgey

Type: Normal/Flying

Category: Tiny Bird Pokémon

Description: Pidgey has an extremely sharp sense of direction. It is capable of unerringly returning home to its nest, however far it may be removed from its familiar surroundings.

Holding a Poké Ball in one hand, Ash sent out Charmander.

"Charmander, use Scratch" commanded his Trainer.

The orange lizard ran towards its target, startling it. The bird started flapping its wings, but while doing so, Charmander managed to Scratch it. His Trainer took no time in throwing an empty Poké Ball at the bird, and it clicked.

"I caught a Pidgey!" exclaimed Ash, making a pose with the device. Both Eevee and Charmander congratulated him in their language.

As Ash spotted Pidgey, Leaf spotted a familiar rodent Pokémon at her left and sent her Grass-type to catch it.

"Bulbasaur, use Tackle", she ordered.

"Saur", said her Regional Starter, and she launched herself at the purple rodent. The latter managed to move out of the way a few centimeters, but it soon was attacked again by the Grass-type. It was immediately hit by a Poké Ball, and soon enough, it was caught. Leaf took out her Pokédex to see what it said about her new capture.

Rattata

Gender: F

Ability: Guts

Type: Normal

Category: Rat Pokémon

Moves: Tackle

Description: Will chew on anything with its fangs. If you see one, it is certain that 40 more live in the area.

"Well, now my Pokédex has 3 Pokémon registered", said the female Trainer, happy.

As the Sun was starting to set, the two humans sat down and begun to take their stuff out of their backpacks. This is where they will sleep. Unfortunately, that zone of very large oak trees was considered by some brown bird Pokémon to be their territory, and so they started to aggressively attack the humans, who had to quickly put their stuff back, and the Pokémon on the shoulder of each Trainer with repeated Pecks. Both Ash and Leaf tried to reach to their Poké Balls, but the Spearow's attack grew too painful, so they had no choice but to run for their lives from the psychotic birds. Suddenly, something crossed Leaf's mind, it was risky as it could slow her down, but she decided it was worth the risk. Grabbing Ash's hand, she teleported.

"Huh?" exclaimed Ash, baffled.

"I decided to take the risk, and teleported us."

"Good thing you're a psychic. Also, it was you who told me about my special powers."

"Yeah, but my skills aren't very good."

"I understand. It's the same with my Aura skills.

"I wonder where we are," started the girl, before adding "this city looks familiar…"

Suddenly, they heard an alarm sound coming from the nearby Pokémon Centre. They saw a large Meowth balloon approaching about the building, and went to see what was going on.


Ash:
Eevee (F):
Charmander (M)
Pichu (M)
Pidgey (F)

Leaf:
Cleffa (F)
Bulbasaur (F)
Rattata (F)




A.N.

1. This is me trying to remake the anime, while keeping everyone in-character. There would be serious moments and funny moments. Ash won't become a Gary Stu like in many other fanfics.
2. There will be shipping, but not right now. I don't know yet if I would end this in DP or no.
3. If you are wondering why I had Rattata's category to be like in Gen I (Rat Pokémon), it's because it's clearly a rat. I dunno why GF changed that.
4. If you're worried about Brock and Misty, they will appear starting from their Gyms.
5. While Natures don't affect Pokémon stats, I find them useful to describe a Pokémon's behaviour. As you can see, Pichu is mischievous, so I give him an Impish Nature. Charmander is hot-tempered (he's a Fire-type after all), so I give him a Rash Nature. Eevee has a Calm Nature. 6. Green seem to be missing from anime fanfics (Leaf/Green doesn’t have an official name in the games, but if she had one, I guess it would have been Green, since you have Red and Blue. I am calling her Leaf in this fic because you have Ash and Gary instead of Red and Blue.)
7. I also would like to thank my beta ( @Cresselia92 ) for helping me with this work and Bulbapedia for the information they have on Pokémon (like dex entries and learn sets).
 
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Ok, so, first review time

Technical Accuracy
On the technical side of things, there are a few minor issues to clear up. "Mom" is always capitalised when it's used as a name, as in: "Hi Mom, this is my friend's mom."

Commas at the end of dialogue always go inside the speech marks. If dialogue ends on any other punctuation, such as a question mark, you don't need a comma. Keep an eye out for an updated punctuation Academy lesson coming at the end of the week, which will explain all this in more detail.

Capitalisation of pokémon and species names is something of a grey area. All the official media capitalises as you do here, so in my opinion it can't be called incorrect, strictly speaking. That being said, it does make logical sense to treat them as being normal nouns, like cat or dog or fox, which aren't capitalised in English.

Using three line breaks to mark a scene change is fine, just make sure it is consistently three. It doesn't hurt to add a chapter title either - even if it's just Chapter One in bold at the top. It's not essential, but attention to detail in the presentation of the story tends to encourage people to read. I ought to mention, too, that Threadmarks are more of a linking system than a tagging system. You can use them as tags, but you might find it more effective to use them as a table of contents.

Style
I would avoid using descriptive epithets, or at least use them sparingly. You use a lot of 'the boy', 'the raven-haired boy', etc - and in most cases it's not needed or tells the reader something they already know. Using the character's name as standard works fine.

Description
Your description is definitely very sparse. I'll start with characters we know (Including pokémon). Generally speaking, I think it's better to focus on details the reader doesn't already know. Most of your readers will know what an Eevee looks like, or that Ash has black hair. What they don't know are the sort of things that anime-style art doesn't show. Is this Eevee a slightly overweight pet or is it fighting trim? Or you can look at mannerisms. Is Gary smirking and haughty, is Leaf very energetic or is she more quietly friendly?

To put it another way - everyone knows the basics of what Ash looks like. What does your Ash look like?

It's the worldbuilding that suffers most here, I think. What does your Kanto look like (To carry on a theme). I think I can best demonstrate what I mean by referencing a couple of stories that do world description well. The first is Land of the Roses. I've always thought Misfit Angel does this kind of description well, even back when she was writing Storm Island. The second is Lucky Egg, which I'll be referring to again in a moment.

Plot
There's not a tremendous amount I can say here, because not much happens that either doesn't happen in the anime or in the game. That's the double-edged sword of doing a rewrite or remake, right there. You run the risk of just nibbling away at the details, while fundamentally the plot ends up as something the reader has seen many times before.

The plot is very pacey, perhaps too pacey. I think it could stand to take its time a little more. This is the other reason I linked Lucky Egg - you may not want to go into quite as much detail as Bink Vallen did (I think it's about 6,000 words), but Chapter One is a great example of how to start a journeyfic off.

Final Thoughts
It probably goes without saying, but everyone starts somewhere. Keep writing, and keep an open mind. I also recommend reading as a good way to practice writing - if nothing else it helps to build little relationships with other authors. AetherX is now my beta reader, for example, I've been reviewing Misfit Angel for well, years now, and I exchange critical reviews with kintsugi
 
Ooh! Nice story! I always like your reads and I think they're very well made.

*reads a/n*

No shippings?!?!? How am I supposed to live with this?
 
Ooh! Nice story! I always like your reads and I think they're very well made.

*reads a/n*

No shippings?!?!? How am I supposed to live with this?

Thanks!
I can change my mind about shipping, but people on FF.net may not receive that well.
 
Hi there!

plot
This is... interesting. A lot of this is a retelling of the anime, which is interesting, but it looks like you're taking it in a new direction. That's exciting!

Like Pav mentioned earlier, I think you can slow down a little bit and spend more time on each action. In this chapter, we learn about Ash's past, meet two of his rivals, watch him obtain three Pokemon, and learn that one of his friends is a Team Rocket experiment. That's a LOT of stuff to put in a single chapter, and it got a little hard to keep track of the individual events or give them any sort of importance. It's hard to care about Leaf's backstory because I barely know anything about her in the present; it's hard to care about any of Ash's Pokemon because they just quadrupled in number in a single chapter, and while you've given us their movesets and abilities, there's nothing that makes them particularly unique. There's a lot of interesting ideas at play here, but there's not really a solid groundwork to understand them from.

description
The boy took the Poké Ball and touched the button, which caused the ball to open and release a quadrupled brown mammalian Pokémon with a brushy tail having a cream-coloured tip and small slender legs with three small toes and a pink paw pad on each foot. It has brown eyes, long pointed ears, and a small black nose. It also has a cream-coloured large furry collar.
I know people told you to spruce up your description, but this is literally ripped verbatim from Bulbapedia. You can even tell because this paragraph is written in present tense, like the article, while the rest of your story is written in past tense. This is not an ideal choice for several reasons:
1. Moral standpoint: plagiarism is bad. Someone else wrote that description and you've taken their work without crediting them.
2. Practical standpoint: we are on Bulbapedia's forum. Lots of us have been to Bulbapedia. The information that you're providing here isn't new to us; we already know that Eevee has a bushy tail with a cream-colored tip etc etc.

Writer's use description for things that are out of the ordinary, or things that the reader can't guess on their own. So if your characters are interacting with people/objects, or those people/objects are things that the reader hasn't seen before -- these are the interesting things that you'll want to describe. It's reasonable to expect that we know the basics of what an Eevee looks like. You'll want to describe what makes this particular Eevee in your actual story interesting and relevant.

"Don't be sad with I beat you," said the pale-skinned brown-haired brown-eyed girl with a chuckle.

"That won't happen because I will beat you," replied the pale-skinned brown-eyed raven-haired boy.
Additionally, you don't need to repeat some things. This is the fourth time that we've heard that Ash is a raven-haired boy; what else is there about him?
"Wow! An Eevee!" said the boy, showing the biggest grin he had ever given. He immediately scratched the cute little fox on her forehead, obtaining a happy purr in return.
And you are starting to do that a little -- this is a cute interaction and it adds a lot to the scene given how sparse some things were before. These are good bits of detail that you should try to have a bit more frequently: as it stands, a lot of your prose is very bare, and it's hard to keep track of what's going on in the story.

overall
Slow down. Describe things more. You clearly have a big vision here, but the best way to convey it will be to do so in slightly smaller chunks.
 
I forgot to say, Brock and Misty will still appear, but starting with their Gyms.

Oh. Going with that approach. By the way, I forgot to mention in my previous post (though I guess I could have edited it). My personal issue is that the chapter is a bit too long.
 
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Oh. Going with that approach. By the way, I forgot to mention in my previous post (though I guess I could have edited it). My personal issue is that the chapter is a bit too long.

I don't think they are too long, but I need details to attract the reader's attention. Plus I thought it would be good to have the whole first episode on the first chschap.
 
Have just read the updated Chapter 1. On the whole, I like it. References to things like Oak being the Champion and Leaf's dark past are engaging, just as they were before. I'm very interested to see where you go with those things!

There are bits that could do with a bit more explaining. It's a cool idea that the Pokemon should be somehow comprehensible to humans, but I really don't know what it means for them to speak "in Pokemon". Some more explanation of that would be very useful.

Additionally, since you've extended the chapter and had a bit of an exchange above about that decision, I thought I could perhaps comment there too. I think the main thing to consider when writing individual chapters is what the "central event(s)" of a chapter is. What I mean by that is: can you summarise the events of this chapter in ten words? If not, you should probably work on simplifying the chapter a little. Your updated chapter 1 has loads of really interesting stuff in it but it does come off as a little bit meandering because there's no clear, core focus for the chapter.

Still, as I said before, this sounds like a super interesting spin on the anime with a bunch of extra details and deviations that seem very well thought out. I'll be looking out for more - please keep it up :)
 
Hey, just wondering, when is the next chapter?

I have been a bit busy. Hopefully next week.

Have just read the updated Chapter 1. On the whole, I like it. References to things like Oak being the Champion and Leaf's dark past are engaging, just as they were before. I'm very interested to see where you go with those things!

There are bits that could do with a bit more explaining. It's a cool idea that the Pokemon should be somehow comprehensible to humans, but I really don't know what it means for them to speak "in Pokemon". Some more explanation of that would be very useful.

Additionally, since you've extended the chapter and had a bit of an exchange above about that decision, I thought I could perhaps comment there too. I think the main thing to consider when writing individual chapters is what the "central event(s)" of a chapter is. What I mean by that is: can you summarise the events of this chapter in ten words? If not, you should probably work on simplifying the chapter a little. Your updated chapter 1 has loads of really interesting stuff in it but it does come off as a little bit meandering because there's no clear, core focus for the chapter.

Still, as I said before, this sounds like a super interesting spin on the anime with a bunch of extra details and deviations that seem very well thought out. I'll be looking out for more - please keep it up :)

Pokémon is basically what I call PokéSpeech.
I made chapter 1 as a remake of the first episode.
Next chapter will be about the journey thru the Viridian Forest (episodes 2, 3, and 4).
 
Hi there! This isn't really my sort of thing, but I did promise to take a look, so here's a short review. Edit: a long review, whoops.

Before I get stuck in, might I suggest moving your author's notes to the top of the first post? That information is better off if it's available right away.

I'll start with the revised story elements and the general storytelling.

I don't understand the choice to give Ash an eevee as his starter pokémon, especially when Gary also has one. As an anime fic, I'd have expected the iconic pikachu to feature as Ash's first pokémon. As a re-imagining of the story I'd have expected a more unusual pokémon than eevee, which is incredibly popular and widely used.

I feel like the narration speeds pretty swiftly through the significant encounters between Ash and his (two!!) starters. These are moments of great importance, and they are over as soon as they begin. Not to mention, we get a year-long time skip after he gets his first pokémon, so he could well have trained eevee thoroughly by the second paragraph of the story.

In fact, much of the narration is pretty bare of description. I think you should practice writing about Ash's sensations, memories and opinions as things happen, along with generally more description of characters and places. Anime is a visual medium, so it can afford to speed through events at a pace, but prose fiction needs to take care and time to narrate things for the reader.

I'm definitely not a fan of having large blocks of pokédex information lined up one after another in the middle of the prose. It's not really necessary and I don't find it enjoyable. This is another instance of something that would go down just fine in an animated medium, but which doesn't work at all in written form.

I'm not sure what to make of pokémon speech being completely comprehensible. It completely changes the dynamic of any human-pokémon relationship, since they're obviously not only more intelligent than animals, but able to communicate. It's not ethical for humans to capture and legally own fully sapient beings like this.

I find it odd that Ash has a full team of pokémon before the end of the first chapter. If they're meant to be significant characters (which I should hope they would be if they can talk) then this is an extremely rapid pace at which to introduce them.

I'm also stunned that psychic and aura powers are already a fact of life for the protagonists, when I'd expect them to be build up to, foreshadowed, and carefully revealed over time, being such significant and important abilities. Instead, they're mentioned offhandedly as something the protagonists have already revealed to each other. Those revelations were important! The readers should get to see them as they happen.

I have some comments on technique and style. I understand that English is not your first language, so of course I'm impressed at your ability to write fanfiction in your target language, so I'll try to keep my comments to stuff that's relevant to you.

First off, dialogue tags. (Meaning, "he said" "she said" bits.) You don't need to have these after every line of dialogue when there's a conversation going on, readers will understand who's speaking after the first line or two.

Second, punctuation. Getting punctuation perfect can be tricky, so here are a couple general rules: put commas where there'd be a natural pause in speech, and don't use semicolons unless you're 100% sure they're a good idea.

I also think you could use proper line breaks when you jump around in time and place. Just "***" between paragraphs is probably fine.

Another point of style I want to mention is epithets. Epithets are when, instead of using a name or pronoun, you use a description like "the man." Many fanfiction authors use epithets constantly, and I think they can be confusing and repetitive. You might like to try using pronouns and names more often instead.

Lastly: this is a good effort considering you're not writing in your first language, and I hope you continue to practice and improve, and have fun as you do! Try experimenting, reading other stories, and getting opinions from multiple beta readers.

I doubt I'll be a regular reader as I'm not a fan of the anime characters or of trainer fic in general, but I wish you the best and hope my comments so far are useful to you as you keep writing. Good luck!
 
Hi there! This isn't really my sort of thing, but I did promise to take a look, so here's a short review. Edit: a long review, whoops.

Before I get stuck in, might I suggest moving your author's notes to the top of the first post? That information is better off if it's available right away.

I'll start with the revised story elements and the general storytelling.

I don't understand the choice to give Ash an eevee as his starter pokémon, especially when Gary also has one. As an anime fic, I'd have expected the iconic pikachu to feature as Ash's first pokémon. As a re-imagining of the story I'd have expected a more unusual pokémon than eevee, which is incredibly popular and widely used.

I feel like the narration speeds pretty swiftly through the significant encounters between Ash and his (two!!) starters. These are moments of great importance, and they are over as soon as they begin. Not to mention, we get a year-long time skip after he gets his first pokémon, so he could well have trained eevee thoroughly by the second paragraph of the story.

In fact, much of the narration is pretty bare of description. I think you should practice writing about Ash's sensations, memories and opinions as things happen, along with generally more description of characters and places. Anime is a visual medium, so it can afford to speed through events at a pace, but prose fiction needs to take care and time to narrate things for the reader.

I'm definitely not a fan of having large blocks of pokédex information lined up one after another in the middle of the prose. It's not really necessary and I don't find it enjoyable. This is another instance of something that would go down just fine in an animated medium, but which doesn't work at all in written form.

I'm not sure what to make of pokémon speech being completely comprehensible. It completely changes the dynamic of any human-pokémon relationship, since they're obviously not only more intelligent than animals, but able to communicate. It's not ethical for humans to capture and legally own fully sapient beings like this.

I find it odd that Ash has a full team of pokémon before the end of the first chapter. If they're meant to be significant characters (which I should hope they would be if they can talk) then this is an extremely rapid pace at which to introduce them.

I'm also stunned that psychic and aura powers are already a fact of life for the protagonists, when I'd expect them to be build up to, foreshadowed, and carefully revealed over time, being such significant and important abilities. Instead, they're mentioned offhandedly as something the protagonists have already revealed to each other. Those revelations were important! The readers should get to see them as they happen.

I have some comments on technique and style. I understand that English is not your first language, so of course I'm impressed at your ability to write fanfiction in your target language, so I'll try to keep my comments to stuff that's relevant to you.

First off, dialogue tags. (Meaning, "he said" "she said" bits.) You don't need to have these after every line of dialogue when there's a conversation going on, readers will understand who's speaking after the first line or two.

Second, punctuation. Getting punctuation perfect can be tricky, so here are a couple general rules: put commas where there'd be a natural pause in speech, and don't use semicolons unless you're 100% sure they're a good idea.

I also think you could use proper line breaks when you jump around in time and place. Just "***" between paragraphs is probably fine.

Another point of style I want to mention is epithets. Epithets are when, instead of using a name or pronoun, you use a description like "the man." Many fanfiction authors use epithets constantly, and I think they can be confusing and repetitive. You might like to try using pronouns and names more often instead.

Lastly: this is a good effort considering you're not writing in your first language, and I hope you continue to practice and improve, and have fun as you do! Try experimenting, reading other stories, and getting opinions from multiple beta readers.

I doubt I'll be a regular reader as I'm not a fan of the anime characters or of trainer fic in general, but I wish you the best and hope my comments so far are useful to you as you keep writing. Good luck!

Thanks!

1. Eevee is my favourite Pokémon, and the reason why I gave Gary one is to having a rivalry between Espeon and Umbreon.

2. Humans can't understand Pokémon, I just translated their speech for the benefit of the audience.

3. I didn't see another way for them to flee the Spearow, so I had to revesr Leaf's powers. Being a psychic, she was able to detect Ash''s powers.

4. Ash has 4 Pokémon. Pichu was sort of an obligation. I think less people would be interested in following the fic if they didn't learn about Ash getting a Pichu in the first chapter.
 
Chapter Two

This chapter focuses more on Team Rocket.

Two thieves were floating in a Meowth balloon, approaching the Pokémon Centre.

"A wanted poster, how flattering!" exclaimed Jessie.

"This picture makes me look terrible", added James, holding a poster about the two humans.

"Terrible? You should be happy the photographer captured the real you," said the red-haired woman.

"Exactly!" exclaimed the blue-haired man.

"We will show these punkies!"

"The people of Viridian City will be sorry they ever saw this face."

"We are all sorry to see your face. Stay focused, we are here to capture rare Pokémon, Meowth!" said a talking cat.


Meanwhile, an alarm sound started ringing in the city's Pokémon Centre, alerting people of the approach of the thieves.

"How dare they act like we're criminals? They should welcome Team Rocket!" exclaimed James.

"We will teach them to respect that name," said Jessie.

At the same moment that Ash and Leaf entered the Pokémon Centre, two Poké Balls landed on the floor. A spherical Pokémon burst out of its Poké Ball and started using Smokescreen, blurring everyone's vision, while a snake Pokémon started destroying the computers.

"Prepare for trouble!" a sudden voice said.

"Make it double!" added another.

"To protect the world from devastation."

"To unite all peoples without our nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love."

"To extend our reach to the stars above."

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light."

"Surrender now or prepare to fight."

"Meowth! That's right!"

"Team Rocket?" exclaimed Leaf.

"Yes, we are Team Rocket," said Meowth.

"Team Rocket, are these…?" started Ash, getting bad memories.

"Yes, they are the same criminal organization that took me as a child," said Leaf.

"How dare you accuse us of kidnapping children?" asked James.

"Da Boss would never order such a thing," added Meowth.

"Plus, we have no use for little twerps," said Jessie.

"What are you criminals here for?" asked Ash.

"We are after the Pokémon here, obviously, and I see that you and your friend have some rare one on your shoulders," said Jessie.

"I am not going to let you steal them!" exclaimed an angry Leaf.

"Calm down little twerpette, it's not like you can stop us," replied the woman.

"And what can little kids like you do against Team Rocket?" added James.

"Ekans, attack!"

"Koffing, you too!"

"Charmander, go!"

"You too Bulbasaur!"

"Ekans, use Poison Sting on Charmander."

"Koffing, use Sludge on Bulbasaur!"

"Charmander, use Scratch!"

"Bulbasaur, use Tackle!"

The lizard quickly went to Scratch the snake, but the attack didn't do much, after getting Intimidated by Ekans. The Poison-type responded with Poison Sting, heavily damaging the Fire-type. While the Grass-type was trying to Tackle the opponent, she received heavy damage.

"Charmander!"

"Bulbasaur!"

"Muwahahaha! You two think you stand a chance?" said Jessie.

"We are not Team Rocket for nothing!" added James.

"And I am going to be the top cat for da Boss!"

"Charmander, use Scratch again!"

"Bulbasaur, use Growl"

"Ekans, Poison Sting!"

"Koffing, Sludge!"

Charmander, however, used a new move; Ember, before getting Poison Sting. Bulbasaur Growled on the enemies, then surprised everyone by Vine Whipping Koffing, before getting Sludged. Charmander's Blaze activated, but since he was Poisoned, he collapsed and was rendered unable to battle.

"Charmander!" exclaimed Ash, before returning him to his Poké Ball.

Bulbasaur too was in a bad position, and she simultaneously got hit by both of Ekans' Poison Sting and Koffing's Sludge, rendering her unconscious.

"Bulbasaur!" exclaimed Leaf, before returning her to her Poké Ball.

"Hahaha! You twerps really thought you could defeat us?" said Meowth.

Suddenly, they heard a police siren from the outside.

"Oh crap! We were so focused on the Pokémon of the twerps that we didn't go after the other Pokémon in this Centre", said James, before dropping a Smoke Ball.

As the smoke cleared, the two criminals were no longer there.

"They got away!" exclaimed Ash.

"If only our Pokémon were stronger…" said Leaf.

The two Trainers gave their injured Pokémon to Nurse Joy and sat to wait.

"One must be really low to try to steal injured Pokémon!" exclaimed Ash.

"Yes, but it's not like Team Rocket cares about morals. If you saw how they handle their stolen Pokémon you would be horrified," replied Leaf.

"I remember you telling me about that."

Flashback…

"Here are the Pokémon you will work with," said a Rocket, presenting the creatures to the kidnapped children. Leaf was assigned a frightened Cleffa.

"Here in Team Rocket, we see Pokémon as nothing but tools. Here's a whip, if your Pokémon doesn't obey your commands, whip it. You can even whip it if it obeys your commands, just for fun," added the criminal, which made Leaf's blood boil.

"Now, take your Pokémon, and order them to fight," the grunt ordered.

Leaf and Cleffa were paired against an opponent having an Eevee.

"Begin!" shouted the thug.

The children could all see the assigned Pokémon were all frightened.

"So, what if they are frightened? Order them to fight or you will all get whipped with no mercy!"

"The way you treat Pokémon is disgusting!" exclaimed Leaf.

"What did you say brat?", said the thug, running with a whip towards the girl. The girl was running, but as the criminal was about to overtake her, she disappeared.

"Team Rocket is really bad, and I won't allow them to get away next time", said Ash.

"Me neither. We will train our Pokémon. I will make it my mission to take down Team Rocket," added his friend.


Ash went to call his mother. While he had his Pokégear, he preferred to call by videophone.

"Hello! This is the Ketchum residence!" said the voice at the other end.

"Hello, Mom!"

"Hi, honey! Is everything OK? Plus, how comes you're not calling from your Pokégear?"

"I prefer being able to see you."

"Where are you?"

"At the Pokémon Centre of Viridian City."

"Already at Viridian City? It took your late dad three days to reach that city."

"We were getting chased by a flock of Spearow so Leaf teleported us."

"You were getting chased by Spearow?"

"Yes, I don't know why."

"But don't let that discourage you, your Pokémon are here for you."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Bye, honey!

"Bye, mom!"


Five minutes later, one of the videophones rang.

"Hello, Ash!"

"Hello, Professor Oak!

"Your mom told me you're already reached Viridian City."

Yes, I did."

"And you and Leaf were chased by a flock of Spearow, right?"

"Yes."

"Glad you made it. I should tell the authorities about that. Where's Leaf?"

"She's talking with her dad."

"OK. So how's your Pokédex going? Gary bets a million yen you wouldn't have caught a single Pokémon by now."

A grin formed on Ash's face.

"I caught a Pichu and a Pidgey," he said, with a chuckle.

"Good! And what did Leaf catch?"

"I caught a Rattata.", said the girl, catching Ash by surprise.

"Well, good.

"Professor, I have another thing to say."

"Yes, Ash."

"I saw a rare Pokémon."

"You did?"

"Yes, the Pokédex says it's called Ho-Oh."

The old man was about to fall from his chair.

"You said you saw Ho-Oh, and the Pokédex recorded it?"

"Yes."

"That's splendid Ash. It brings me back some fond memories."

"Yes, I remember when you told us about meeting Suicune and Celebi." Said the girl.

"And how you saved Celebi from a poacher, and later caught it."

"That's right! I have to go, if you two need anything from me, you know where to call."

"Bye, Professor!"

"Bye, Professor!"

"Bye Ash, bye Leaf!"










After an hour of waiting, the nurse came back with the now-healed Pokémon.

"Ash, Leaf, your Pokémon are now fully healed."

The two children went to the counter to pick up their delighted Pokémon.

"Will you stay here for the night?" asked the health professional.

"What do you think, Leaf?"

"Would be good."

"Well, here are the keys." The nurse gave each one a key to a different room since they were from opposite genders.

Ash's stomach rumbled, making Leaf and Nurse Joy laugh.

"Sorry!" he said, embarrassed.

"If you two are hungry, there's a restaurant downstairs."

"Nice!" exclaimed Ash.

"What about our sandwiches, Ash?"

"True!"

"You can also buy food that you can eat on the road," said the nurse.

The two Trainers took the stairs and went down. The lower floor had much useful stuff for Trainers, like a restaurant that sells both foods for humans and Pokémon, a Poké Mart, and plenty of big tables. Ash and Leaf took the central table and started unpacking their stuff.

"Come on out, everyone!" said Ash, releasing Charmander, Pidgey, and Pichu. Leaf released Bulbasaur and Rattata. Upon coming out of its Poké Ball, Pichu delivered an electric shock to his Trainer.

"What was that for?"

The little mouse said nothing and went to eat with the other Pokémon, Ash and Leaf made sure he won't see the bottle of ketchup. After everyone was full, the two humans went to sleep. The next day would be a long one.


Author Notes:

1. Yes, Jessie and James are that oblivious to the true nature of their criminal organization. Remember their boss fantasies.

2. Professor Oak didn't tell anyone that Celebi took him through time. He wanted to preserve the timeline.

@Greninjaman here's what you were waiting for.
 
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