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EVERYONE: What If... BackSet Wrote a Zelda Crack Fic?

BackSet

Wings of the Hegemon
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Description: What happens when an amateur fanfic writer turns his dream into a fanfic? This, apparently. I am so, so sorry. Rated E for Everyone because it lacks any particularly nasty content.

Author’s Note: Hello there, welcome to the biggest mistake I’m probably ever going to make: writing a fanfiction based on my dreams. Well, one dream. And its a weird one, hence the name of this fic. Obviously I took some liberties since I don’t have a perfect memory of the dream and I wanted to keep this on a short story level. No Multi-Chapter fics today. Anyways, I’ve kept you long enough. Let’s-a go!

Many people have different theories about the timeline. Some believe there is only one timeline and attempt to sort events as such. Others believe there are two that split at a fixed point. And still others believe there are three. In truth, they are all wrong. There are infinite timelines. Infinite universes with infinite possibilities.

My name is Nayru, Goddess of Wisdom, Watcher of Worlds, and Sworn Protector of the Multiverse. Join me and ponder the question… What If?

***​

We find ourselves looking into a world much like one you know. Link, a young boy from the Kokiri Forest, was tasked by the Great Deku Tree and Princess Zelda to find the three Spiritual Stones to open the Door of Time and stop the evil Ganondorf (nice choice of Champion, Din). Unfortunately, this played right into Ganondorf’s hands allowing him to seize the Triforce and take over Hyrule. But all was not lost. The Master Sword sealed Link away until he was old enough to properly wield it (a bit of a design flaw, if I’m being honest, good thing we fixed it in the 2.0 patch) and eventually he returned, now the Hero of Time. He rescued the Seven Sages with the assistance of the mysterious Sheik (actually Zelda, of course) and defeated Ganondorf and his monster form Ganon.

This is where things diverge from the story you know. Instead of sending Link back in time, Zelda asks him to remain in this time period and assist in rebuilding the Kingdom of Hyrule. He agrees and the two form a close friendship, which brings us up to the modern day of this particular story and a rather enticing looking lunch. Not that I need to eat.

“Wow, this is really good.” Zelda said, taking another bite of her lunch.

“Why do you say that every time you eat my cooking?” Link asked. “It's been five years, you should know I'm a great chef by now.”

“You grew up in a forest.” Zelda pointed out. “The fact that you can cook at all amazes me.”

Link shot an annoyed glare at her. Then, suddenly, he doubled over in pain.

“Link!” Zelda shouted, standing up and running over to him. “Are you okay!”

Link, evidentially, was not okay as he began screaming in immense pain. He shot straight upwards, eyes now red, and lashed out at Zelda who just barely dodged the strike, almost tripping on her dress. She made a mental note to start wearing more combat appropriate clothes to these lunches.

“Link! What are you doing!” She shouted.

Link let out a laugh that was cliche levels of evil. “You think I’m Link? Pathetic! A real Queen would be able to recognize her greatest enemy!” He shook his head. “No, “your majesty,” I am not Link! I am Dark Link!” He laughed again.

Zelda stared at him for a few seconds, dumbfounded. She was having immense trouble comprehending current events which, as the embodiment of Wisdom, was a very rare thing. I should know, I’m the one who empowered her.

Eventually, however, her brain caught up and she finally managed to speak. “Who?”

“What!” Link, no, Dark Link shouted. “I’m Dark Link! You know, your greatest enemy!”

Zelda snapped her fingers, some of the pieces finally falling into place in her mind. “Oh, I remember now. You’re that monster Link fought in the Water Temple.”

It was Dark Link’s turn to be dumbfounded. “I… I can’t believe it. No, I refuse to believe it! I refuse to believe I’m just some footnote in Link’s quest!” He stomped his foot. “I mean, I’m his Enemy Without! An embodiment of all his negative emotions! He had to fight me in order to overcome his dark urges!”

Zelda shook her head. “No, no you’re not a footnote.” She placed her index finger on her chin. “You’re not even in the history books in the first place.”

Dark Link looked up at the ceiling and screamed in rage. It was a good, long scream that could probably be heard all the way in Castle Town. Finally, he lowered his head back to eye level and slumped over, panting.

“You know what.” He said, straightening himself back out. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve still got Link’s body. I control the most powerful and most famous hero in the world.” He laughed again though since he was still quite out of breath from the scream it was more of a pathetic wheeze.

“Yes, about that.” Zelda said. “I would very much like it if you could leave his body. How did you get in there anyways?”

“It was pretty simple, actually.” Dark Link explained, holding one hand out to the side as if he were presenting something. “You see, all I had to do was have part of me latch on to his soul after he “killed” me and slowly absorb power until- wait a minute! Why am I telling you this!”

“Because I asked nicely.” Zelda suggested.

Dark Link held his face and groaned. “You know what, no, I’m done with this! I’m here to kill you and anyone else who would get in the way of my plans and that’s what I’m going to do!”

He reached over his shoulder for a sword, specifically the Master Sword, only to find nothing there. He glanced around in confusion. Then, he spotted the sheathed blade leaning against the chair Link had been sitting in. He raced for it and grabbed the hilt, immediately releasing it as it burned his hands.

“Gah!” He shouted in pain.

Zelda chuckled. “Blade of Evil’s Bane, remember?”

Dark Link growled and ran at her, raising his arm in preparation to punch Zelda out. Unfortunately for him, she side-stepped him easily and hit him in the back with a blast of blue magic, knocking him down. That’s my girl.

Dark Link got back up, continuing to growl. He ran at Zelda again and she decided to do something crazy. Something she had never done before. She was going to call on the Triforce of Wisdom and attempt to exorcize Dark Link from Link’s body.

She thrust her hand out and focused all her energy into summoning the power of the Triforce of Wisdom (I suppose a better phrase might be that she summoned the wisdom of the Triforce of Wisdom but that’s not as dramatic). A full, glowing Triforce appeared at the end of her hand, however, the lower left triangle glowed the brightest. A stream of golden light blasted out of her hand and hit Dark Link full force. It completely enveloped him in an orb of, at risk of repeating myself, golden light.

Eventually, the light dissipated and in its place was… Dark Link? Specifically, Dark Link as Link had described him to her, entirely black with red eyes. But, that didn’t make sense, she had exorcized him hadn’t she?

Dark Link seemed just as surprised as her. He looked down at his hands, flexing them.

“This… this is amazing.” He said quietly. Then he raised his voice. “This is amazing! I have my own body again! I can’t believe it! I don’t have to hijack other people anymore!”

“I… what?” Zelda asked. “You mean… that’s not Link’s body?”

Dark Link laughed. “No it is not!”

“Then where is Link?” Zelda asked.

Dark Link shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe he’s dead.”

Zelda shook her head. “No, that’s not right. He can’t be dead. If he was, we would see the body.” She slammed her fist into her hand. “I’ve got it! He must have teleported somewhere!”

Suddenly, four guards burst into the room, weapons at the ready.

“Princess! Are you okay!” The guard up front shouted.

Zelda gave them a deadpan look. “You’re a bit late.”

***​

Zelda, being the genius she was (no, Din, I am not biased), was indeed correct. Link had been teleported somewhere. Specifically, he was now sitting in a folding chair on the other side of space. Yes, really.

Link looked left and right, trying to figure out where the heck he was. He saw several very unfamiliar items including some sort of bizarre light looking things that seemed to run on some form of electricity and a strange folding ladder that he’d later learn was called a stepladder (No I do not need to stop judging things based on narrow minded cultural assumptions). There were also some things he recognized, like curtains and what appeared to be stage props.

Suddenly, a man wearing an odd hat with a brim at the front that made his look normal approached him.

“What are you doing just sitting here?” The man asked. “You’re on!”

“I’m what?” Link asked, confused. Unlike with Zelda, this was not an irregular occurrence (oh hush Farore, you know it’s true).

The man didn’t answer, instead dragging him out of the odd chair and pushing him through the curtains and onto a stage. The stage was set up with two more odd, yet much more comfortable looking, chairs and what appeared to be a desk with a flower pot. Watching him was an audience and some men behind some really weird devices.

Slowly, Link sat down in one of the comfortable looking chairs and nearly sank into it. He managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. The audience laughed.

“Uh… hi everyone.” Link said, waving awkwardly. It was times like this when one tends to remember that, despite his appearance, he actually has the mind of a 15-16 year old boy, counting the years spent since he defeated Ganondorf.

Link glanced around and noticed a guy with a set of cue cards standing at the very back of the room along with the guy from earlier who pushed him on stage. He thanked the goddesses despite the fact that we really had nothing to do with it (Would it kill the two of you to have a little humility? Why are you even here, anyways? Don't you have better things to do?).

“So, um, apparently your regular host isn’t here today.” Link said, reading the cue card. “So, I’m here instead. My name’s Link and welcome too… well, I guess it's my show now. Though, I’m not even sure what kind of show it is.”

The audience laughed again. Link was starting to find this really annoying.

***​

Since it seemed that Dark Link had no plans to attack her, Zelda sent the guards that had burst in back to their posts, after giving them a stern talking to.

Once they left, Dark Link raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure you’re not just in denial about this Link thing?”

Zelda shook his head. “No, no, I’m not in denial. If you don’t see a body you can’t confirm that someone is dead. Besides, Link’s survived crazier. I thought he was dead for seven years.”

“Speaking of that jerk.” Dark Link said. “Now that I have my own body, I’m sick of looking like him. Let's see if I can still shapeshift.” Suddenly, with almost no warning, he was engulfed in a swirling black cloud. When the cloud dissipated, he no longer looked like Link. Instead, he was a perfect clone of Zelda, albeit entirely black with red eyes.

“Yes, yes, this is excellent.” He said, in a semi-distorted version of her voice. “Now that I look different, I can’t keep calling myself Dark Link.” He rubbed his chin. “Hmm… Dark Zelda is a bit too derivative.” He snapped his fingers. “How about Sunny!”

Zelda stared at him. He couldn’t be serious. Sunny? Was he being ironic on purpose?

“She, actually.” The newly christened Sunny said.

“Huh?” Zelda asked, snapping out of her confusion.

“I can tell you’re still calling me “he” in your head but it’s she now.” Sunny explained. “And yes, I did choose this name to be ironic on purpose.”

“Ah, I apologize.” Zelda said, bowing slightly.

“Now I suppose I owe you a debt, Your Majesty.” Sunny said. “After all, you did give me my own body.”

Zelda rubbed her chin. “Yes, I suppose you do.” She pointed at him. “Could you maybe repay it by stopping looking at me? It’s creepy.”

“No.” Sunny said bluntly.

Zelda sighed. “Yep, should have seen that coming. How about option B, then: don’t enact your evil plan… whatever that is.”

Sunny rubbed her chin. “Well… I suppose I could. It wasn’t really that well thought out anyways.”

“What was your plan anyways?” Zelda asked.

Sunny thrust her hand into the sky dramatically. “To tear holes in the fabric of reality, calling different versions of myself to battle against the forces of light!”

“And you were planning to do this how?” Zelda asked.

“Well I was planning to use the Master Sword but, well, obviously that didn't pan out.” She spread her hands which, despite being a completely different body, were still burnt. Curiously, yet not unexpectedly, the burns were in the shape of the Triforce.

Zelda nodded thoughtfully. “Anything else I should know about?”

Sunny rubbed her chin. “Well… there was this one thing I did, mainly for kicks, while Link was dealing with the Fire Temple.”

“And that was?” Zelda asked.

“Oh, I just weakened the seal on Phantom Ganondorf’s prison.” Sunny answered casually.

If Zelda were drinking something, she almost definitely would have spat it out. “You did what!” She shouted.

“I take it I’ve been a bad girl?” Sunny asked rhetorically.

“That’s understating it!” Zelda shouted, throwing her hands in the air. “I have half a mind to execute you for this!”

“But you won’t.” Sunny said in a sing-song voice. She winked in an attempt to be adorable.

“You’re not cute.” Zelda said, dead wrong. She sighed. “But regardless, you’re right. I’m going to need your help to fix Phantom Ganondorf’s seal.”

Sunny shook her head. “Oh no, there’s no fixing it. In fact, he should be breaking out right about… now.”

As soon as she finished that sentence a crack seemed to form in reality behind her. It slowly widened and out of it stepped what appeared to be Ganondorf riding a horse. Zelda knew better, though. She knew this was nothing more than a shadow of the real Ganondorf, designed only to kill Link. Obviously, it had failed at that.

Sunny turned around and faced the monster, grinning. “Welcome back to the real world, my friend. Ready to cause some chaos?”

***​

Unfortunately, we must now cut back to what Link is doing. I know, I know, things were just getting interesting, but what kind of storyteller would I be if I didn’t try to preserve the suspense.

It was time for Link to tell his first real joke, apparently. The man with the cue cards held up one with a bunch of very strange words. They were definitely Hylian but they made no sense to him.

“So… uh… apparently they’re making a new Hotel Transylvania movie.” He said, unsure. Unbeknownst to him, he had completely butchered the word Transylvania. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what that means. We don’t have movies where I come from. At least, I assume we don’t.”

The crowd laughed again. Link smiled. He was actually really starting to get into this.

“Anyways, apparently this whole new movie thing is bad.” Link himself laughed. “I can kind of relate. You know, this director named Philip made a sequel play to one based on my exploits, great story I’ll tell you later. It was awful. Just straight up terrible. I mean, you should have seen the acting. They had this one guy who played me and he was all like “I’m so hungry I could eat an Octorock!”” The audience laughed and Link laughed with them. “And the props were atrocious. I’m no playwright but I bet even I could write something better than that.”

Meanwhile, in the back row, the Cue Card guy leaned over to the other guy who was, in fact, the producer.

“He’s going off script.” He whispered. “Should we do something?”

The producer shook his head. “No. Lets see how this plays out.”

“Speaking of plays, I have this friend, Zelda, and she always gets top billing. The plays are called “The Legend of Zelda” even though they’re about me. Why aren’t they “The Legend of LInk,” huh?” Link shrugged. “You know, I don’t really mind all that much, though. After all, she is the Queen. If it’ll get more people to see it than there’s really no problem is there.”

Suddenly, a man in a similar hat to the producer walked through the curtains and whispered something into Link’s ear before dashing off. Link rubbed his chin.

“Well, folks, I’ve just been told we have a special guest!” Link gestured dramatically to the right. “Please give a warm welcome to… Mario!?”

Indeed, the person who walked through the curtains was the famous plumber who never did any plumbing, Mr. Video Game himself, Mario! How exciting!

“It’s-a me! Mario!” The portly plumber said, waving to the cheering audience.

Mario leaped into the air, as he’s known to do, and landed on the chair on the opposite side of the desk from where Link was sitting. He proceeded to sit down with no sinking involved, despite the fact that he was smaller than Link.

“So, Mario, what brings you out here… wherever here is.” Link said.

“I got-a lost while-a taking a Launch Star.” Mario explained. “I-a landed here and-a they told me I was a special guest-a.”

“They told me the same thing.” Link said. “Except they said I was the host.”

Link glanced at the cue cards. “So, what’s it like saving princesses all the time?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m-a saving her.” Mario replied. “It’s-a more like-a play. We each-a play our different roles. Nobody’s ever in-a real danger.”

Link rubbed his chin. “Interesting. So that’s why you can go go-karting with Bowser?”

“That’s-a right!” Mario replied.

“Man, I wish I could do that.” Link said.

“Why don’t-a you come over next time we race?” Mario suggested.

“Really?” Link asked, stars in his eyes. “That would be awesome!” He then rubbed his chin again. “Though, we have to get out of here first, don’t we?”

“That’s-a true.” Mario said, rubbing his chin. “Perhaps if we end-a the show we’ll be-a teleported back home-a?”

“Hey, that just might work.” Link said. He stood up. “Well folks, that’s all we have for today! Good night everybody!”

Nothing happened. Well, that's not true. Something did happen. The audience started booing.

“I think they’re mad.” Link said.

“You don’t-a say.” Mario said, uncharacteristically sarcastic.

All at once, the entire audience stood up. They charged the stage, ready to rip our heroes to shreds. The two of them readied themselves for a fight but just as the crowd reached them, they teleported away in a blast of blue light.

***​

Now, before we get to what happened to them, let's travel back across the galaxy to see what’s happening with our other hero and not-so-hero, the wonderfully clever Zelda and the deviously deceptive Sunny.

“Welcome back to the real world, my friend.” Sunny said to the newly revived Phantom Ganondorf (no, I will not call him PG). All the while she grinned maniacally “Ready to cause some chaos?”

Phantom Ganondorf scowled at her. Then, without a word, he smacked her aside. She slammed straight into the wall of the dining room (did I forget to mention that’s where they were?), causing quite a big dent.

“Hey!” She shouted, rubbing her head with one hand and shaking her fist with the other. “We’re supposed to be on the same side!”

Zelda rubbed her temples. “He’s a mindless monster created specifically to destroy Ganondorf's enemies. I’m one of his enemies and at the moment, you look exactly like me.”

Phantom Ganondorf stabbed at Zelda with his spear and she jumped backward to dodge.

“That’s not fair!” Sunny protested.

“It seems perfectly fair to me.” Zelda replied, sliding under a swing from Phantom Ganondorf. “Now if you’re done sitting around and moping maybe you could assist me.” She dodged another attack.

Sunny thought for a moment. She could just let Phantom Ganondorf kill Zelda. But then he’d come after her. Plus she was starting to find the Queen’s sarcasm endearing.

“Fine, I’ll help.” She said, standing up.

“Excellent.” Zelda replied.

Phantom Ganondorf leaped into the air and smashed downwards. Zelda just barely dodged the attack, leaving Phantom Ganondorf’s spear embedded in the ground. This left the perfect opening as the monster attempted to pull his spear out. Typical boss behavior.

“Quick! Attack him!” Zelda shouted.

She fired a blue magic bolt at Phantom which hit him in the face. Likewise, Sunny ran forward and fired off a black magic bolt, striking him in the chest, and then looked at her hands in surprise.

“Woah. I’ve never done that before.”

“Fascinating.” Zelda agreed. “But not quite relevant at the moment. It seems we didn’t manage to do as much damage as I had hoped.”

As if to demonstrate this, Phantom Ganondorf finally managed to yank his spear out of the ground. He spun it around, proving even mindless spirits had a flair for the dramatic, and charged at Zelda. Thankfully, Sunny acted fast. She tackled Zelda out of the way and flipped over the table that Zelda and Link had been sitting at at the beginning of this story to hide behind. Phantom Ganondorf ran straight into the wall and got his spear stuck again.

“Thank you.” Zelda said. “But I don’t think this will be an effective barrier.”

“It doesn’t need to be.” Sunny replied. “It just needs to hide us while we plan.”

“While we plan?” Zelda asked. “Full offense: all your plans up until now have been terrible.”

“Well, yes, when I say “we plan” I actually mean “you plan.”” Sunny admitted. “So get to it.”

“I don’t recall you having the authority to give me orders.” Zelda said.

“Well excuse me, Princess.” Sunny shot back.

“Queen.” Zelda corrected, holding up a finger. “Now shush. I’m thinking.”

She turned away and rubbed her chin. Behind her, Sunny mockingly mimicked mouth movements with her hand. Zelda, fully aware of this, rolled her eyes.

“So…” She said. “I have an idea but I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

Sunny raised her eyebrow. “And this idea is.”

“You need to use the Triforce of Wisdom in conjunction with me using the Master Sword to seal Phantom Ganondorf.” Zelda explained.

“I’m sorry, what?” Sunny asked, completely taken aback. “I can’t use the Triforce of Wisdom, remember? And you can’t use the Master Sword.”

“Correction, you don’t have it.” Zelda said. “You can use it, if I give part of it to you. As for the Master Sword, according to some old texts it’s actually sentient. Surely it can make an exception to the usual rules for this particular situations.”

“Would that even work?” Sunny asked (What are you all looking at me for? I don’t know how it works. Yes, I know I’m the Goddess of Wisdom that doesn't mean I understand any of this. It runs on Bullshit).

“I’m not sure.” Zelda admitted. “But we don't have a lot of options here, seeing as how Link isn’t here.”

Sunny sighed. “Fine, but if this all goes wrong I’m blaming you.”

“Understandable.” Zelda replied. “Now hold out your hand like you’re telling me to stop.”

“I am telling you to stop.” Sunny snarked, nevertheless doing what Zelda told her to.

Zelda placed her palm on Sunny’s and focused her energy. Blue and gold light swirled around them, seemingly weaving its way into Sunny’s form. When all was said and done, Sunny’s eyes had gone from a deep red to a heterochromatic blue and gold and a gold Triforce symbol, similar to the one Zelda herself beared appeared on the back of her hand before fading. Sunny stared at the back of her hand, shocked.

“Woah.” She breathed.

“No time for that.” Zelda said. “Let’s go!”

She did an unnecessary combat roll towards the Master Sword, still lying where Sunny had dropped it, and grabbed it, popping back up in the same sword stance she’d seen Link use countless times. Sunny, meanwhile, leaped over the table and tried to mimic the pose she’d seen Zelda use, failing miserably. At this same moment, Phantom Ganon finally pulled his spear out of the wall.

“Ready?” Zelda asked.

“No.” Sunny admitted honestly.

“Too bad.” Zelda replied.

She ran forward with the Master Sword in hand. Using some rubble from one of Phantom Ganondorf’s attacks as a springboard, she leaped into the air, dodging a swing from the monster and brought down the Master Sword on him, cleaving him completely in half. She really is the best Champion a Goddess could ask for.

“Now!” She shouted at Sunny, leaping out of the way.

Sunny, not entirely sure what she was doing, reached out her hand. She focused her energy, much like she had while taking over Link, but this time using positive energy instead of negative energy whatever that means. Listen, magic isn’t an exact science which, as the Goddess of Magic, causes me no end of headaches.

On the back of her hand, the symbol of the Triforce of Wisdom once again blazed. Golden light blasted forward from her palm and engulfed Phantom Ganondorf. It was so bright, Zelda had to shield her eyes to avoid being blinded.

Once the light faded, Phantom Ganondorf was gone and in his place was Link and… Mario? Both of them appeared to be shocked. When Link spotted Zelda his eyes lit up.

“Zelda!” He shouted. “Oh man you won’t believe what happened… to… me…” He trailed off as the full scope of the room’s destruction sunk in. “What the heck happened here?”

***​

And that is the end of this story. Now, you may be wondering, did such an absurd thing actually happen? The answer is of course no. This is all entirely fictional, as am I and my sisters. However, if you wish to believe that this truly did happen. That somewhere out there there truly is a universe in which this absurdity happened, then that is perfectly okay. I don’t know why you’d want to but you can. The End.

***​

Author’s Note: And that’s that. That is my absolutely absurd dream. Like I said, I took some liberties. Obviously, the dream didn’t feature Nayru as a Watcher expy. And the original threat wasn’t Phantom Ganondorf but instead a multiversal war but again I wanted to keep this down to just a short story. There was also a romance between Zelda and Sunny that I just didn’t really feel like writing.

Otherwise, though, this is pretty accurate to the dream. Yes, even the part about a new Hotel Transylvania movie. I was horrified too.

You know, after writing this I kind of want to do an MST fic for bad Zelda Fanfiction with Nayru filling the same Watcher role she has here and Din and Farore being just general annoyances. So, yeah.
 
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