EVERYONE: You Wouldn't Steal A Car (But Volkner Would)

[Welkamo]

Gamers, I present to you a shitpost. Is it any good? I don't know.

Rated EVERYONE. There's a Does This Remind You Of Anything? moment that's akin to the "hey kid, you wanna buy some drugs?" trope and mentions of alcohol, but nothing too big. If I need to bump it to a TEEN, please tell me.

---

Volkner scrolled through OpenSurf, scanning every image like a Honchkrow searching for prey.

Litlazy, Chimlazy...

And then he found it: CryptoChus.

Pikachu had been corrupted into a vile, disgusting, ugly creature. 5,000 creatures, to be exact. All randomly generated to have varying colors, expressions, severity of gingivitis, and brands of beer.

Volkner had found his prey, and he prepared his wings and beak to strike.

Right click.

Safe Image As.

CryptoChu_1.png

Save to Desktop.

Save.

You wouldn't steal a car

You wouldn't steal a handbag

You wouldn't steal a television

You wouldn't steal a movie

“You wouldn’t steal a Pokémon, Volkner.”

The young man turned around. The ghost of Cyrus was standing over him, looming like a Giratina about to drag him into Hell. The only problem was that Volkner was already in Hell. He had danced down there, and he would dance back up.

“I would,” Volkner stated. "From Team Galactic."

“You wouldn’t pirate anime.”

“I have.”

Downloading pirated films is stealing

"You're committing a crime."

"That doesn't make it wrong. Or not funny."

Cyrus stamped his foot.

“You think you’re a smart alec, don’t you? You don’t own the image. You don’t own the blockchain. You think you’ve gotten a checkmate, but you’re still struggling with checkers.”

“I’m not doing this for the blockchain. I don't care about the blockchain. And for the record, checkers is a good game."

“Then what are you doing this for?”

“To make crypto bros mad.”

“What do you gain from angering others? Do you feel some sick satisfaction from annoying those above you on the social ladder?”

“Well, I feel something. Maybe it’s satisfaction.”

“I hate you.”

-

stealing

Roark looked to the left and looked to the right, then tiptoed down the dark alleyway. He flinched at the cawing of a Murkrow, but after a few seconds of making sure the coast was clear, he continued into the dark.

is

He came upon a cloaked figure. He whispered, “You got the goods?” to it.

against

The figure opened his trench coat.

the law

“I can sell them to you wholesale," Volkner replied in a low voice.

"All right."

PIRACY. IT'S A CRIME

 

[silurica]

If you intended for the reaction to this to be a solid "what", congratulations, you have achieved it.

 

[Welkamo]

@silurica Hey it's better than a "your mother would be disappointed". Maybe she would be, but a solid "what" is (I think) good.

 

[System Error]

Okay since I'm not going to read Marionette unless it's uncut - i.e. on AO3 - let's do this instead.

- Of course your fic Volkner would be a crypto fiend
- Oh, but he's trolling people who like NFTs. Even better
- I guess Cyrus is suddenly here and haunting Volkner?
- Make in wrong? Typo
- Cyrus was a crypto fiend. That makes way more sense
- Even in other fics, Volkner is a good troll when he wants to be
- Well at least he wasn't naked when he opened the trenchcoat

Weird. That's all I have to say on this one. But I liked it.

 

[Welkamo]

Okay since I'm not going to read Marionette unless it's uncut - i.e. on AO3 - let's do this instead.

The AO3 and forum versions of IAM are the exact same, unless you're referring to uncut reviews.

• Of course your fic Volkner would be a crypto fiend
• Oh, but he's trolling people who like NFTs. Even better

My Volkner is an internet troll in a "eat the rich and screw idiots" sense of the word.

- I guess Cyrus is suddenly here and haunting Volkner?

Unfinished business

- Make in wrong? Typo

Fixed. Weirdly, the TR version didn't have the typo, but the AO3 and Bulbagarden versions did.

- Cyrus was a crypto fiend. That makes way more sense

Giratina gets blamed for NFTs but it's actually Arceus's fault

- Even in other fics, Volkner is a good troll when he wants to be

NFT stands for Nori Farino: (Official in) Training

- Well at least he wasn't naked when he opened the trenchcoat

Thank goodness flashing Volkner isn't real

Weird. That's all I have to say on this one. But I liked it.

 

[OrionTheAbsol]

"You're committing a crime," said the cult leader of bowl cuts who tried to mess with the laws of reality. "Stealing NFTS? How dare you, sir."

HOW.

DARE.

YOU.

 

[Sushi The Enby]

Based Volkner.

 

[Welkamo]

God I love this. The music they used in those ads was pirated, fun fact!! But great quality shitpost. NFTs are scary. If Volo was born in present-day Sinnoh he would be selling NFTs I guarantee you.
10\10 yessssss

Well isn’t that poetic.
Glad you enjoyed it! It’s good to see you again around these parts!

 

[Serverus Snope]

Shitpostfic is what I live for. Also glorious badfic too but shhh 42/10.

 

[Welkamo]

Shitpostfic is what I live for. Also glorious badfic too but shhh 42/10.

Thank you for reading and reviewing!

 

[LunalaLitten]

This was both amazing and weird at the same time, so I'm just going to tell you that the title is pure gold, this was fun, and I don't know what else to say.
Fades into void of nothingness
"It's my first ever review" will be my excuse for that.

 

[Welkamo]

This was both amazing and weird at the same time, so I'm just going to tell you that the title is pure gold, this was fun, and I don't know what else to say.
Fades into void of nothingness

Good to see you here, and good to know you enjoyed it!

"It's my first ever review" will be my excuse for that.

Hey, don't worry about it! My first review was really short, and fwiw any sort of comment is appreciated, because it means that the fic got enough of a reaction out of someone to warrant a few words or a paragraph or whatever. As long as it's not flaming, it should be good.