MATURE: The Eternal Bloodline (non-pokemon)

[Misfit Angel]

The Eternal Bloodline is a short story that follows the adventures of a legendary monster hunter as he takes on the toughest challenge of his decades-long career. It will not be anywhere as long as my other works and the style will probably be a little bit different. Hope you enjoy it regardless.

This story is heavily inspired by The Witcher series, but is not based upon it.

Content warnings: coarse language, graphic violence

Table of Contents

• Chapter 1 - The Hunter
  After another successful hunt, a famed monster hunter is contacted by an old business partner.
• Chapter 2 - The Contract
  The monster hunter meets with his old friend to discuss a dangerous and lucrative contract.
• Chapter 3 - The Bloodline (Final)
  The monster hunter is ready to end the eternal bloodline and fulfill the contract.

The Eternal Bloodline
Prologue​

Protector of the innocent. Gallant of the Verona Vale. Knight-errant of Constantia. Penancebringer. Bloodhunter. Greedwise. The Slaughterer of Slatestone Hill.

Those are the things that people call me. Some are true, most aren't. I've earned many titles throughout my life and no doubt I will earn more before my time comes, but all are meaningless to me. There is only one thing that I do, one title fitting of what I am: monster hunter.

I've trained extensively in the craft. Decades of practice have gone into my swordsmanship. Countless years have been spent experimenting with herbs and oils that disable my enemies. I've learned the basics of the arcane arts with the help of the Sisters of Westwind, the most knowledgeable practitioners of magic this side of the Talthsar Mountains. I've earned a reputation; monsters fear me, as they should. Tracking them as they flee is often more difficult than killing them.

My entire adult life has been dedicated to ridding the world of evil, and this world has plenty of evil to go around. Evil is everywhere, in everything. It could be a monstrous beast, preying on peasants from its cavernous lair as they tend to the fields. But it's not just horrendous fiends that I kill; that monstrous beast could be preying on peasants from its lavish castle instead, protected from retribution by its hired guards and political titles.

Monsters, men, it makes no difference. The definition is arbitrary. More often than not, it's men who make the scariest monsters...

 

[Misfit Angel]

The Eternal Bloodline
The Hunter​

Klink... plink... klink...

One by one, coins were stacked atop one another. Towers of gleaming gold, silver and iron grew on a table in the center of a dark and musty room, faintly lit by candles. A plump man sat at the table, meticulously counting and making a record of every coin that crossed his sausage-like fingers. As he added another few coins to the growing stack of gold, the door burst open with a loud racket. The unexpected noise startled him and toppled the tower of gold, spilling into another two stacks of iron coins. Half an hour of counting ruined in an instant.

A man in finely crafted black leather and chain mail armor stumbled into the room. The man was as rugged as they come, with nearly every inch of his exposed skin covered in decades-old scars or much younger bruises. His armor, though crafted by a master leatherworker, had seen its fair share of use; holes were patched, stitching was frayed and crusted blood clung to it from top to bottom. Two baldrics crossed over his chest, each carrying a massive longblade on his back; every good monster hunter carried two swords with him at all times, one forged from the finest steel and another delicately crafted from consecrated silver. "Steel for man... Silver for monster..." so the saying went. Knives, hooks, keys and bottles dangled from his cracked leather belt.

In his left hand was a grisly trophy, the severed head of a gruesome werebear. Several fangs were missing from its jaw, an eye hung from its shattered socket and its brown fur was tangled and drenched in its own blood.

"Contract's fulfilled, mayor," the man said as he dropped the deformed head onto the floor. "The Beast of Leddyn Lake--"

"Oi! Watch the carpet!" the mayor barked. He looked up and took in the monstrosity that had been dropped on his floor. He could hardly believe it, so he approached for a closer look. "Mmm... Yes. That's the werebear alright."

"Vicious bastard, too." The man pointed to an injury he sustained during his battle with the werebear. All down the left side of his chest armor, the polished steel rings that made up his protective chain mail jacket had been shattered and cleaved by the beast's claws. Bloodstains ran down his leg and collected around the lip of his leather boot. "Nearly got me."

The mayor inspected the wounds; he wasn't a healer by any stretch of the imagination, but even his ill-informed opinion told him that the wounds would not be fatal if treated soon. "Would have killed a lesser man, no doubt. Will you be okay?"

"I will, but I need to find an herbalist, and quickly."

"You'll be looking for Lindra! Her garden is just a stone's throw from the eastern watchtower." The mayor returned to his desk and started to gather up some of the coins that he had spent the past half an hour stacking. "Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine... Thirty." He bundled them up into a small leather pouch and handed them over to the monster hunter. "Your payment, master Verynn."

"I'm no master." Verynn grabbed the small satchel and jingled it around in his hands before hanging it from his belt. "All set. I'll be off to visit Lindra now." He turned around and took a step towards the door.

"Your reputation is legendary, Verynn, even in this remote village. I'm glad to see you live up to the stories. When you approached me about the Beast of Leddyn Lake, I... did have my doubts."

"I remember. You vocalized them quite loudly." Verynn said without turning to address the mayor.

The mayor's eyes dropped to the floor. "Mmm. Glad you saw this through. The beast is dead, Leddyn is forever in your debt."

Without a word, Verynn left the room.

The mayor shook his head at the silent departure, then looked down at the severed head of the werebear. "...the fuck am I meant to do with this?"

- - - - -​

Later that night...

It was a lively scene at the Laughing Willow Inn in Leddyn; hammered patrons roared with laughter as they told a multitude of crude and vulgar jokes while basking in the warmth of the blazing hearth. In the chilly, faintly lit corner, a group of five Constantian soldiers kept watch as they drowned the aches and troubles of a long day on patrol with whiskey.

Verynn was seated at a table alone. Though none had met him, much of the town feared him. They thought of him as a monster as well, far worse than even a dreaded deep troll. It puzzled them that a man would willingly dedicate his life to hunting monsters far larger and more powerful than himself, and that he had emerged victorious countless times on top of it. Surely, they thought, there was something monstrous about the man himself; there could be no other explanation.

Beside him was a collection of alchemical ingredients and tools that he kept with him at all times: A well-used mortar and pestle that he used to grind up the various herbs he gathered during his travels in the wilderness. A bottle of holy water, purified and sanctified by clergymen of the Order of the Sacred Sun, that he used as the basis of his concoctions. The three herbs that he was using at that particular moment included badenblade, witchfinger and the seeds of the jubafruit bush. A brief collection of papers detailed the recipe he was preparing.

Eventually, his solitude was interrupted as a figure in a dark cloak joined him at the table. For a brief moment, the figure observed him in silence, studying the rugged details of his scar-covered face. "Sir Verynn Montague, I presume."

Verynn looked up at the hooded figure. The dim lighting of the inn made it impossible to determine the identity of the figure, but he could tell that it was a woman by her voice. Her facial structure narrowed it down even further; she was an elven woman, perhaps, a rare sight in the western wilds.

"Just Verynn. I lost that honor quite some time ago."

"Slatestone Hill?" the hooded woman asked.

"Slatestone Hill," he nodded.

"I see. Bloody business, that was, but entirely justifiable. And for the greater good."

"I was defending myself. Things got out of hand. Too many good people died, some by my blade."

"The past is the past." The woman placed a rolled up scroll on the table. The scroll was sealed with green wax, imprinted with an intricate pattern. "I come to you with a message from someone who is very interested in speaking with you."

He looked up from his alchemical work and raised an eyebrow. "A contract?"

She crossed her arms on the table and leaned in closer. The light hit her face just right to reveal her soft violet eyes and short, snowy white hair, a confirmation of her elven heritage. "Aye. A lucrative one."

"I hear that a lot. It's usually untrue."

"It is certainly true in this case. One hundred and twenty gold pieces."

"What is it, then? A banshee? Gorynych? Talthsar wyvern?"

She shook her head at his suggestions. "I know not. It was my duty to ensure that message made it into your hands unseen, a duty I took seriously."

He grabbed the scroll and studied the wax pattern. The lack of light made it difficult to determine for certain, but he felt that he recognized it: the seal of the House of Chappelle, a noble family that lorded over the wealthy port city of Braddock Bay. "Chappelle? This should be interesting."

No response.

He looked up and found that the elven woman had disappeared without him realizing it. He smiled. There were very few who were capable of disappearing so easily around him. Decades of hunting monsters, investigating disappearances and dealing with the criminal underbelly of Constantia had honed his senses so well that he could see the faintest of movement, or hear the heartbeat of the person next to him. He was equally worried and impressed that the elf had so easily eluded him.

Verynn Montague,

It has been many years since we last spoke, old friend, but you have never left my thoughts. Your hard work put a lot of Braddock Bay's ruffian scum in the dungeons, or better, in the ground. With the exquisitely violent removal of the Masked Chuckler and his goons, peace is the norm in the bay. Merchant profits are high. My family's wealth and power has increased ten-fold and it is time that I pay you back.

I require your services once more, but this is no standard contract. The foe you will be facing will likely be more dangerous than any you have faced in your long and storied career. I can not divulge further information in a simple letter for fear that it falls into the wrong hands. I invite you to my manor as a guest of honor. Visit before the next full moon, we will discuss the matter further.

The elven messenger who delivered this letter promised one hundred and twenty gold pieces. I owe you far more than that, and if you agree to this contract, you will leave very satisfied when your task is complete. You have my word, and you should know how valuable that is.

With regards,
Lord Elto Chappelle of Braddock Bay​

"Elto... This will be interesting..."

 

[Misfit Angel]

The Eternal Bloodline
The Contract​

Seven days later
Braddock Bay, the City of Stone and Greed

It had been five years since Verynn last visited Braddock Bay; things were different than he remembered. No longer were the streets host to the roving bands of ruthless brutes known as The Masked, savage animals that robbed, raped and murdered without consequence. Instead, a uniformed and disciplined militia patrolled the streets now, clad in red and gold, the colors of the Chappelle family. Most wore gleaming and unscratched armor, an indication that peace was indeed the norm as Lord Elto had claimed.

In fact, the city streets were busy with just about everyone. Boisterous merchants boasting of their exotic wares. Criers who announced the newest social phenomena of dramatic theater. Bare-breasted strumpets who prowled the corners and alleys, tempting all with their company. Templars of the Order of the Sacred Sun, preaching about the oft-forgotten gods and the good they do to protect man from the horrors of the monsters outside the city walls. Children played in the streets, a sight never seen in the old, more dangerous times.

As he wandered the streets, he noticed another detail that differed: elves and dwarves walked the city like any human. They were no longer relegated to the segregated, slum-like districts as they were half a decade ago. Even more, they were well integrated into the city's social atmosphere, speaking with the humans around them as if they were their own. Progress, Verynn thought.

Business was booming. The streets were lined with establishments that weren't present during his last visit, establishments he rarely saw anywhere else in all of Constantia: A glassworks that specialized in eyewear to aid those with poor vision. A library that boasted a collection of nearly five thousand manuscripts and books. A textile mill that specialized in colorful, foreign-made fabrics. Schools dedicated to the arts of music, literature and painting.

Even the grass seemed greener, and the honeyed scent that wafted from the trees smelled sweeter.

"Damn. Elto really turned this place around..." Verynn commented to himself.

Amidst all the change, one thing remained the same as it did five years previous: his reputation. Even though his actions were the driving force between Braddock Bay's newfound peace and prosperity, people still avoided him. Still feared him. Still cursed his name. To them, he was still an untrustworthy man, a greedy man, a murderous man with no morals, able to be bought for any task if the price was right. A fair assessment, if a little inaccurate.

- - - - -​

Verynn knocked on a heavy oaken door.

"Who visits Chappelle Manor?" a haughty voice asked from the other side.

"Verynn Montague. I'm here to see Elto. He's expecting me."

The door opened to reveal a gaunt attendant, his face rife with disinterest. He took a brief moment to study Verynn's facial features, then nodded and motioned for him to enter. "Right this way, Mr. Montague."

Verynn entered. Though much of the city had changed, Chappelle Manor had not; is was just as decadent and luxurious as it was five years ago. Walls of frost marble, painted with intricate gilded designs. Red silk drapes and tapestries hung from the pillars, and mastercraft oil paintings of the verdant countryside filled in the blanks. Two guards, one a stocky dwarf and the other a beautiful human woman, stood like statues at the base of a grand staircase.

"Before we continue, Mr. Montague, it would be wise for me to inform you that it would be wise for you to refer to the lord of this manor by his proper title. Manners are a rule under this roof."

"Not happening. Elto and I are on a first name basis."

"Such uncouth respect. I should have expected such from a man of your reputation. Why Lord Chappelle continues to--"

Verynn pulled the attendant by the shoulder and slammed him into the wall, then grabbed him by the collar of his doublet and lifted him off the ground. His once-blue eyes glowed orange with fire. "Cut the crap. It would be wise for you to remember what I did for your master, the sacrifices I made for this city. You would not be here to enjoy this lavish lifestyle if it weren't for me."

Neither of the guards moved from their statuesque poses. To them, the attendant was being treated appropriately.

"Yes, sir. My apologies, sir." the attendant rasped in fear.

"Good." He dropped the attendant to the floor and his eyes returned to their normal ocean blue.

The attendant brushed away at his wrinkled collar with a look of anger on his face. He wanted to respond in kind, but he wasn't about to put his life into the hands of one of the most competent killers in the kingdom. Instead, he tutted quietly before answering, "Right this way."

- - - - -​

"You're sure that your report is accurate?"

An elf in ceremonial rose gold armor nodded. "Accurate as can be, m'lord."

Elto stared down at the scroll on his table, his mind heavy with thought. The scroll detailed some troubling news: a noblewoman had been arrested by the Order of the Sacred Sun on suspicion of witchcraft after her husband's mysterious and sudden death, a death that no one was able to explain. Nothing in the report indicated that the Order had any justification for the arrest other than she gained much personal wealth with her husband's passing. The more likely justification was that she had been critical of the Order in recent months and they were looking to silence her.

"Personal associations I have with Lady Fontaine aside, I suggest we intervene in the matter," the elven man added.

"Agreed. I will not tolerate religious zealots kidnapping, torturing and murdering my people. But..." Elto sighed. "We must tread carefully here, the Order of the Sacred Sun has been stirring dissent lately. The common man respects them and we could see revolt in the streets if we play our hand too heavily."

"What shall we do, then?"

"I do not know... If there is one thing my father failed to teach me, it is how to deal with situations like these. Can I trust you to put together three different plans? Military, diplomatic and economic?"

The elven man nodded. "A military plan I can do. You may wish to consult with your other advisors with the other two."

The door behind them opened and the attendant entered, followed closely by Verynn. "Lord Chappelle, pardon the intrusion. Your... distinguished guest... has arrived." the attendant said.

Elto broke from his concentration and his mood instantly improved. "Ah! If it isn't the savior of Braddock Bay, Verynn Montague!" He nodded at the elven man. "We'll speak of this later, commander. Do not move on the Order until we have discussed the matter further."

"Understood, m'lord, but time may be of the essence."

"Yes. Return in an hour."

The elven man rested his hand on the pommel of his sheathed sword and offered the customary courteous bow of his people. As he left in silence, he offered a polite nod and a smile to Verynn. Though the two had never met, the elf had a deeply rooted respect for the monster hunter.

Verynn crossed his arms as he watched the elven man and the attendant leave together. "Since when do you hire elves as soldiers and messengers?"

"Since it started to make sense. Elves are far more loyal than any man, especially when you grant them the rights that they were denied under my father's rule."

"Ah, yes... your father. Sorry to hear."

"Sorry? I'm glad the bastard's dead and rotting. This city suffered under him, a fact that you are very familiar with. When my people suffered, I suffered with them."

"Suffered from the comfort of your feathered bed and your beautiful young lovers."

Elto laughed heartily. "I see your tongue is still as sharp as your blade. You haven't changed a bit." He pointed to one of the vacant chairs on the other side of his desk. "Come. Sit."

"I'll stand," he replied.

"You never relax, do you? Very well, let's begin."

"So, what am I meant to kill? For the payment you promised, I imagine it won't be as simple as a swamp hag that found shelter in the bath house tunnels."

Elto smiled and shook his head. "No. This is far worse than a swamp hag. Something that preys on the weak as it walks among them. Evil in human form."

"If it's an elder vampire, count me out. I've learned that lesson."

"Not a vampire... I don't believe, at least! I speak of..." Elto trailed off, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. "King Ondryn Ashencrest."

"King Ondryn..." Verynn repeated. "This terrible monster I'm meant to slay is... King Ondryn."

Elto nodded.

Verynn furrowed his brow as he studied Elto's face. Nothing on the lord's face indicated that the request was a joke, but he still couldn't help but feel it was. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"I am."

Verynn took a deep breath and paced as he thought over the proposition. He never imagined that a man of his reputation would be seriously hired to assassinate a king, even one as universally despised as Ondryn. "You're asking me to commit regicide, Elto. Your original asking price is not enough. Double it and then we'll talk."

"Done."

"Eager."

He nodded. "Eager to see the Ashencrests fall, yes. You know how cruel King Ondryn is. You've no doubt seen it yourself as you travel the countryside. Heavy handed militias that steal from the common folk, rape their women and brutalize their children. Entire villages hung from trees and set ablaze simply for not paying enough tax. Elves and dwarves rounded up and sent to labor camps for the crime of not being human."

"You have changed."

"For the better, I believe," he said as he leaned back in his chair and found a comfortable position. "Look, I don't have to lecture you on morality, Verynn, you could do that better than anyone else yourself. And since your moral compass is so finely tuned, you know this would be the right decision to make."

"Is it the right decision? Yes, Ondryn is a terrible man who preys on his own people, but the kingdom is at peace for the first time in a century thanks to him. If he were to fall, who would replace him? How many would die as lords and nobles struggle to claim the throne? How many villages would burn? Would the empire make another attempt at gaining control over Constantia's lands?"

"Very excellent points, my friend. The stability of the kingdom would indeed be at stake, but perhaps not as much as you think."

"What do you mean?"

"I have consulted with various lords and noble houses over the past few months. None have been made privy to such a plan, but when sworn to secrecy, many grow restless for change. I would personally back House Blackmoore as successors to the crown, and I know a dozen others would as well. Our combined wealth and soldiers would likely make other claimants reconsider."

"This is a big ask, assassinating a king. I'll need plenty of time to prepare. Plenty of time to study the castle, its guards, their patrols. Weaknesses, escape methods--"

Elto raised his brow before interrupting. "Are you... not aware? King Ondryn has no guards."

Verynn repeated Elto's facial expression upon hearing it. "No guards?"

Elto nodded. "Correct."

"You're certain?"

"I am. I have been to Castle Accordia many times, not once have I seen an armed guard. No barracks to house soldiers. No armory to house weapons. Just... squishy men and women, guarded only by their hubris and assumptions about the good nature of their own people."

Verynn couldn't believe it. "That doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't."

"So I could just walk right in, stab him through the heart, and walk back out?"

Elto shook his head. "I'm not certain it would be that easy. I'm sure you're aware of the five failed assassination attempts against King Ondryn early during his reign."

"Does make sense, he was a warrior during the wars. But that was nearly thirty years ago. He's old, probably lost his touch. I, on the other hand..."

"Age certainly hasn't slowed you down a bit, but don't get cocky. One of my spies tells me of a plot hatched by the House of Bardock to assassinate the king six months ago. I do not know if this plot was ever put in motion, but the man they supposedly hired for the job has been missing for just as long. Perhaps there is still some fight in that old man that we don't know about."

"Hmm." Verynn paced back and forth as he thought it over. "Before I decide, your letter to me indicated that you owed me far more than just one hundred and twenty gold pieces, and that you could pay it."

Elto smiled. "Aside from the doubled bounty price, I do have one other thing I can offer... Information."

"What kind of information?"

"Garrydyl. Its resting place has been discovered."

Verynn's eyes widened, something that rarely happened. To most people, the name Garrydyl was meaningless, but he knew it well. Garrydyl was said to be the finest sword ever crafted, forged from a material known as argent steel and enchanted with the primal fury of the elements. Its blade hummed with energy and glowed with ancient dwarven runes. It once belonged to a legendary monster hunter a century previously; the monster hunter used the blade to cut through hordes of necromantic horrors that rose from the battlefields during the wars of the day, slay cursed werefolk with ease and even end the bloody reign of the immortal vampire lord of Brenwick.

The information tempted him. "I'm listening."

"Ah, ah!" Elto said. "You have a throne to vacate, first."

 

[TRNatalie]

Review time.

Chapter 1:

This chapter does an excellent job at introducing the world, the main character, and the premise. The world building from the character's surroundings to the inhabitants of the world is glorious! Verynn's introduction sets up the brutal tone of the story perfectly. From what you give us about Verynn, you arouse curiosity about the opponent he'll be facing and Verynn's character as well.

Chapter 2:

Your description of Braddock Bay is excellent and you did a marvelous job of characterizing Elto through his dialogue and Verynn's. You set up King Ondryn as a genuine threat and did a decent job at foreshadowing this story may not end well. I'm curious to see if you'll do anything with the Order of the Sacred Sun later on. One part that really stood out to me was this;

If he were to fall, who would replace him? How many would die as lords and nobles struggle to claim the throne? How many villages would burn? Would the empire make another attempt at gaining control over Constantia's lands?"

"Very excellent points, my friend. The stability of the kingdom would indeed be at stake, but perhaps not as much as you think."

It's a detail that I feel is left out a lot in these kinds of stories that I'm glad you addressed and answered.

Overall:

The story is entertaining with an intriguing plot, a defined yet mysterious main character, and a marvelous world that I'll be sad to leave when the story's over. I'm looking forward to Chapter 3.

 

[Flaze]

Your last non-Pokemon story was one of my favorite ones and I was always sad to see it go, so I was eager to see what you’d come up with this time around.

Chapter 1:

I have to commend you again for how quick and seamless the flow in your stories are, they’re very easy to read and get a hang of the setting and the like and you also do a good job of establishing things. The prologue too acts as a good introduction to the story, it’s not exactly original but it makes one curious to see what will happen.

Unfortunately set up is mostly what chapter 1 constitutes of all things considered. We get to meet Verynn and see what his job entails all in a good and descriptive way that makes good use of the prose. However, we don’t get to learn much about Verynn except that he’s a monster hunter with a hardass personality who has become jaded by years of hunting which is…pretty basic to go on, the chapter itself also doesn’t give us too much and feels more like the first five minutes of a movie than anything else. It’s not bad…it’s just kind of doesn’t make a huge impression.

Chapter 2:

This chapter overall remains the same as chapter one. We get more set up on what Verynn’s mission is as well as some explanation on his relationship with Elto and the like. However, again, there’s still not much to go on. The world building is interesting but at the moment there’s nothing to really set it off and nothing that sets it apart from a fantasy genre story, this could change later on as we get to see more detail on the aspects of the world, the creatures and everything in between, but so far it’s still not enough to make any clear judgements on.

Also while Verynn is great as a cool hardass, I’m kind of waiting for you to show us more of his personality already.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards review! When I first read this, I didn’t realise there would only be three chapters. I was expecting this to be the start of some grand epic, and I was quickly hooked and intrigued. The fact there is only going to be one more chapter is disappointing for many reasons. Namely, because it means the journey in this world and with these characters will soon come to a close, but mainly because I am not sure how all the set up that has been made in these two chapters will pay off with only one more go in this world.

In saying that, I am certainly intrigued to find out. I don’t know if it’s because the story is much shorter than Land of the Roses or there was more planning involved, but the first chapter was a much better launch into this world. In the space of a few short scenes, we got a huge amount of worldbuilding, backstory, character motivations and got a taste of where the story will be heading. It’s an impressive feat and it is almost for this fact alone that I was happy to award you the top prize here.

I feel your characterisation here is much more natural and realistic than it is in LOTR. Verynn and Elto are both given strong personalities and enough backstory to make you intrigued and interested in them and their relationship. Even the Mayor’s and the attendant are given nice injections of personality, and non-speaking characters such as the stoic guards are well crafted for background, seemingly unimportant beings. The Mayor’s little intro in the first chapter was a great way to start the story, and him looking down at the severed head at the end made me laugh.

All of the dialogue felt very fitting to both the characters and their roles and to the story itself. I am not sure what your inspiration was with this world, but it’s clearly had a good effect on you.

The world of the story is pretty wonderful, and it is one of the reasons why I am disappointed we will not be seeing it more with only one chapter to go. The sea town was beautifully realised enough that I could easily visualise it, and you filled it with enough character to make it stand out as a location. Even the rooms in the castle during the second chapter were wonderfully coloured, and you do an amazing job through this whole story of shaping the scenery in detail without the story feeling interrupted or impeded by the description exposition.

I am sorry to keep comparing this story with LOTR, but the style here really gripped me. It was very readable and pleasant but never simplistic. Quite the opposite, really, it was quite mature and detailed. All the descriptions and actions came naturally, and you did an excellent job of including plenty of humour alongside realistic and witty insights into human behaviour. Whereas Andrea and some of those around her struck me a little bit as caricatures, the characters here, whilst tropes in their own rights, had chemistry and a spark between them that made their interactions stand out. Verynn and Elto’s talk around the mission was probably the best bit of writing I read during the awards.

My only real quibble would be that how Verynn's dark past is reiterated quite a lot, but it is a minor quibble. I didn’t even spot many grammatical errors worthy of being pointed out!

With exquisite detail, interesting characters, wondrous world building and a solid story, this was a short but very sweet and very enjoyable read. I do hope that you give this story the conclusion it rightfully deserves: it is so exquisite and wonderful to read, and I desperately want to see how it ends.

 

[Persephone]

Plot:

The story's plot, such that it is, involves a monster hunter receiving a request and then talking about it in more detail before, well, we haven't quite got to the quest yet. But it's very clear what's going to happen next chapter (kill a king with no guards, but probably either a lot of combat skill or something supernatural going on). There aren't any events that seem particularly superfluous, and the entire thing is streamlined.

Nothing epic so far, but it does its job for a short story. Only real issue is that if anything, the plot seems a tad ambitious for a story this short. Whole thing seems like it might've been better as a short chapter fic (~5-10 chapters rather than 3).

Characters:

There are really only two to speak of, plus some minor ones. The protagonist is an old, dreaded monster hunter known for going after nobles, bandits and werebeasts alike. He's avoided despite the good he's done, which is actually understandable given that he wears two swords everywhere and spends his free time tinkering with holy water and poison. His interactions are believable, and the idea of a feared hero is interesting.

The second major character is the nobleman commissioning the request. His characterization is mostly wrapped up in setting below, in that he's a relatively progressive (for the Middle Ages) noble who is apparently acting in the best interest in his kingdom. He's also really willing to get violent if he wants, and his path to prosperity and power was paved by violence in the past.

There are a couple minor characters: a mayor who amounts to being fat and greedy (which is... a problematic combination), a messenger elf whose character description and subtle details about her made her stand out as someone who makes me wish this were more than a three-shot since she needed more screen time, and a retainer who gets humiliated in front of guards. Who don't care, because for once most people aren't terribly willing to step up and defend an asshole.

Setting:

So far: A standard fantasy bar that a D&D campaign probably starts in three times a week. Nothing special to say about it one way or the other.

A merchant town recovering from dark ages. It has interspecies mingling, active commerce and good description as to how, exactly, it's much better than it had been. And much better than I'd expect from a town in this setting. It's supposedly the work of the protagonist and the nobleman in the past, and it cements the latter's legacy before we even meet him.

Style:

Beautiful description most of the time. Once again, I think it would be better if it were allowed to go longer. I'm bad at describing micro things like this, but it's a story that I read and was impressed by. My threshold for that is pretty high these days.

Technical:

I think there were a few errors, but only things that copy desk training primes me to catch. Nothing really took me out of the narrative and I think the average person never would've spotted anything in the piece.

Overall: [score redacted, but it was really good and i'd tell you in private]

I want to see the climax before I'd put it higher, but it does a lot well with very little space in which to do it. The broader plot seems like it could collapse easily enough if the finish is disappointing, but the story introduces a character and a world, gets me invested within two chapters, and promptly wanting to see more of just about every part of it.

It's pretty damn good for a short, original fiction story is what I'm saying.


I would have given a review different from my post here, but i think it's more encouraging for you to see what i said in private and it covers my thoughts, anyway.