TEEN: Untitled

[Life]

Hi my name is Life and I like to start stories and then never finish them. Maybe this one will be different, probably not idk we'll find out. I wish I could say I'm embarrassed but at this point in my writing history I have so little respect left for myself that I'm probably not even going to go back and delete this really cringe-y sentence from the introduction.

Anyway sorry to be so edgy. This is a story that's been sitting around in a big messy folder for a while (at least a year, I think I actually started it 2 years ago? It's been around for a while) and while I'm not sure how much time I'll be dedicating to it now, I really love the main character and feel she deserves some spotlight, so I want to publish and work with the few chapters I've already written. Feel free to comment and be critical, I'll try to hit ya back in 48 hours with a review myself. Anyway enjoy the story, let me know if you have any questions/comments.

Untitled Contents

Introduction

Arc 1 - n/a
Chapter 1 - n/a

Introduction​

I walk up to the podium, notecards in hand, and tap the mic.

Calm down, April.

I look at the crowd; so many of them remind me of myself when I was their age. Then again, I never even went to college. But these youthful faces, all dawned in caps and gowns, somehow make me feel like I missed out. Most of them are smiling, which surprise me. I guess it was hard not to when there's a nest of parents behind them, clapping loud and cheering even harder. I can barely make out any physical setting, all I can see is just… people.

You’ll do fine, April.

I tap the mic again, thinking I’m mimicking how all the great speeches start, and begin my speech.

“In checkers, winners are determined by those who capture pawns. In chess, winners are determined by those who capture kings. But in life, winners aren’t determined so easily. The conditions are different for everyone; there is no set of rules you have to follow! I may have thought so long ago, but the truth is, games and life aren’t similar at all.

“In games, there has to be winners, and there has to be losers. But in life it doesn’t have to be like that! Because the standards are so fluid, everyone can be a winner! But life isn’t always so easy for everyone…”

Don’t make a fool of yourself, c’mon April.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is, there are no shortcuts. There are no cheats, no alternate ways to try and beat the system. Only through trial and error can you really find out where you’ll go on the board.

“It may be scary without a guide, and you may find it confusing at first, but trust me, you’ll find your place, and then you’ll start all over again with a different set of rules. The game is always changing. It’s not fair to stick a name on it, because it’s not the same for everyone. So instead, pick your own name for your own story.

“Mine? I’ve thought about it a while, I really have. But I’ve realized… my story isn’t a story. It’s multiple stories tied together with pins, needles, toothpicks, nails, and so many other things. It’s one big mess of imaginary words on irrational paper, waiting to be sorted out into something comprehensible by people who will never read it.”

I shake my head, realizing I’ve gotten too off-track again. “But today isn’t about me, it’s about all of you. It’s your time to go out into the world and find the title for your own story.

“Congratulations, Castelia University’s class of 2034… you’ve made it!”

The crowds' screams and claps and other noises I can't understand are just loud enough for me to not hear the internal screaming going on in my head.

Next: Chapter 1

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, hullo Life. I seem to remember your last story involved an Ursaring.

First thing I can say is really a suggestion. If you're finally posting this story you might as well see it as a chance to reboot it as well. Heaven knows that chance seldom comes along with longer-running stories (Unless you're prepared to spend years catching up with yourself).

It does have the air of being unfinished. The title doesn't help in that regard, nor the titling of the ... well, prologue, I suppose, with "Introduction". As usual your prose is pretty well polished in spite of that. I think you may possibly have meant "donned" rather than "dawned", though I'm not sure.

With only a few hundred words I don't really feel I can offer much more concrete than that. The last paragraph rather strikes me as melodramatic, in light of the fairly ordinary internal pep-talk that's been going on so far. I did wonder whether it was supposed to be comic hyperbole, but the last sentence wouldn't suggest that.

 

[kintsugi]

I haven't read prose from you in a while, and I forgot what a treat it was! There’s some quality stuff here.

But I’ve realized… my story isn’t a story. It’s multiple stories tied together with pins, needles, toothpicks, nails, and so many other things.

I like this line a lot from a meta-sorta-story perspective; it's a cute way at hinting that this story has a deeper undercurrent. That being said, it's a little hard to shake the feeling that this is one of those prophetically accurate speeches (ala Amazing Spiderman 2's "one day all of us will be dead LOL hope it isn't me!") that are there for dramatic irony for the future reader at the cost of suspension of disbelief for the current reader.

Mine? I’ve thought about it a while, I really have [...] But today isn’t about me, it’s about all of you.

I think a lot of that sentiment comes from the speech itself: it feels very surface-level; it's trying to pull double-duty on this story but doesn't have any real structure to back it up. What I mean by double-duty is that it's both the bulk of your prologue (and thus has to give the readers a taste for what the story will be) and is the bulk of this chapter (and thus has to be an entertaining read in itself) -- and while you've nailed the first part, I think the second part could use some shoring up. As an actual commencement speech, this would break down into:

1. Board games have rules + defined winners; life doesn't
2. Gotta trial and error through it; don't worry you'll be okay
3. I trial and errored through it and it was a mess
4. anyway have fun kiddos congrats!

Maybe this is just because I've gotten my share of disappointing speeches recently, but I think that April's speech is missing a critical element at (3) -- this is usually the point where the speaker would give some sort of example of her point in (1-2). It's kind of a meta-level show-don't-tell, except here the speech really does need to show that life is a wild mess + you kind of guess your way through it; just outright saying that really doesn't have the same impact, especially on the rhetorical level. And on a narrative level, this would also serve to tell us what kind of person our protagonist here is -- how did she learn this lesson that she's trying to tell these kids? How did it drive her to this point? Who is she, a little?

OR MAYBE THE POINT IS THAT APRIL IS AN INTROSPECTIVE HUMAN WHO DOESN'T LIKE PUBLIC SPEAKING. Which is also a valid interpretation given that she's so nervous walking up to the podium, but in that case, I think the prologue can't center on her giving the speech and then peacing out of the speech itself is also empty and vague.

tl;dr: this is very intriguingly written, but while I have some idea of what your long-term themes are going to look like, the actual plot/substance of the story doesn't really get opened up at all, which I think leaves this a little open-ended as a prologue/first chapter.

but I mean hey I'm a huge sucker for dramatic phrasing and awkward public speakers, so I'm already hooked <3