Dubious Discourse

[Dubious Disc]

Yo. I'm Disc and this is my thought dump. いらっしゃいませーっ
I tried starting a blog a while back, but ultimately I didn't really like the format of it and I just gave up. So here's a different one. Honestly, I'll probably just end up rambling about Vocaloid and adjacent Japanese music, but whatever. My personality has pretty much been replaced by Vocaloid at this point ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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So I've decided to try out profile theming for a bit, picking different images for my banner and sig to match my avi, but who knows if I'll actually be able to keep it up lol. There's a few songs I've been wanting to theme in particular, but eventually I might just end up getting lazy and going back to my default. Right now it's TAMAYA-themed, since that's my favorite song. It lives in a special place in my heart. I'm a big fan of Chinozo, if you couldn't tell.

Been listening to Chogakusei's EP that released last week. ...even though I only vibe with like half of the songs on it lol. I really love Chogakusei's covers, but I find it a little harder to like his original music, I really only like 6 or 7 out of the 20-ish songs. That said, those 6 or 7 are really good. I've been obsessed with Overlook in particular, it's just really catchy all around and keeps getting stuck in my head. (Fair warning, the MV contains a lot of animated blood. Both the song and video are references to The Shining, that's why it's like that.)

The other song that's been taking over my brain is Incubator, which is just a complete banger. That's all I can say about it. I was absolutely blown away the first time I heard it, I definitely wasn't expecting it to have so much energy. Since the lyrics aren't written anywhere I can only understand like half of what it's saying, but honestly I don't even care. I don't need to know what's going on, I only know that it's an absolute utter vibe. Every Surii/Chogakusei collab so far has been so amazing, I hope they continue.

ECHO is almost at 100 million views!! I'm excited c:

I ran out of things to say. gonna go listen to some inabakumori now

 

[Dubious Disc]

The eclipse was a letdown <3

I've been thinking about memories lately. It's weird, but sometimes good memories actually hurt me more than the bad ones - when I look back at bad memories, sure it hurts, but there's also a sense of relief and accomplishment, like "that was bad, but at least it's over now." But with good memories, there's a part of me that always feels pain when looking back at good things that happened, because those things are over and I can't go back and I can't experience them again. The actual thing that happened only lasts for a short while, and then for the rest of your life after that you can only look back at its shadow and imagine how you felt, playing it over and over and wishing you could be there again. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if the good thing hadn't even happened, just so I wouldn't have to keep replaying it and feeling bad that it's over.

It feels weird thinking about stuff from middle school and high school. It's as if my self from those days is an entirely different person. There are some memories that feel more like weird dreams than things that actually happened, to the point that I sometimes wonder if they really happened or if they were just something I imagined and thought about so much that they became real to me. Because they feel so different and disconnected from how I am now. Particularly good memories, where I remember feeling so happy that a part of me thinks "there's no way this could actually have happened. It's too good to be true." Obviously it did happen, but it just feels hard to believe.

I used to not dwell so much on my memories, but I guess since I haven't really been making any good memories lately, I just naturally end up looking to the past. Because I've been so unhappy lately, my mind has to look within itself for the evidence of past happiness instead. I wish it didn't, though. Remembering good things from the past just makes it harder to deal with the present.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" is such an annoying quote.

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I've been listening to Sou this evening. He's probably my second favorite singer after Chogakusei, although their voices are so different that it doesn't really feel fair to compare them lol.

I respect the fact that Sou has collabed with all of my (current) top 3 favorite producers (Chinozo, Kairiki Bear, and Hiiragi Kirai) since their styles are so different from each other, particularly Chinozo and Hiiragi Kirai. It makes sense that Sou would work well with Chinozo's music, since he has a soft cute-sounding voice that matches the Chinozo vibe, but it was a pleasant surprise to find out that he had also done a song with Kairiki Bear, and it sounded just as good despite having a very different energy, much more troubled and negative. Sou's Hiiragi Kirai collab was an even bigger surprise - at first I had only heard the Vocaloid version, so I didn't know it was a collab at all, but I remember realizing "wait, this song has a Sou version?? How? There's no way that would work!" And yet somehow it did work. Even though his voice stays soft throughout most of the song, it carries a great deal of emotion, so it still has a lot of power despite not necessarily being loud or forceful.
The songs in question: Yosasou (Chinozo) // Sparkbug (Kairiki Bear) (this one is my favorite!) // Nero (Hiiragi Kirai) (cw: flashing lights)

I wish Sou would cover more Chinozo songs. Seriously, their sounds are such a perfect match.

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Might post some stuff in my art thread tomorrow or the day after, depends when I have time.

(insert some memorable ending sentence, cause I'm tired and can't think of anything)

 

[Dubious Disc]

It's been nearly a week since 2036 released and I've only just managed to get it out of my head. Every time Chinozo comes out with a new song it pretty much becomes the only thing I listen to for the next few days lol. Admittedly I don't click with 2036 as much as Chinozo's other songs, I don't find myself coming back to it as much as Furisode or Taxy, but still, it's catchy. twoooo thousan' thirty-siiiiix ♪
I also caught the premiere, for the first time! Funny how I hate waking up at 6 to get ready for class, but I'm totally fine waking up at 6 to watch the premiere of a song on YouTube lol.

Anyway!! I have bigger news. I have learned the TAMAYA character's name :)

So basically. I've noticed a lot of instances where Vocaloid songs that become popular end up getting manga or light novel adaptations, and there's an ongoing series of novels based on Chinozo's songs, starting with Goodbye Sengen. I don't really know what they're about, and at the moment I don't really care (it even kinda bothers me, because now I worry that I'm misinterpreting the songs or missing out on some extra meaning). But anyway, I was listening to TAMAYA recently and I noticed a lot of comments talking about the novel, and a few of them mentioned the characters' names, so I got curious. Just to make sure, I did some surface-level research on the novel itself, and what I found checks out, so...

His name is Yuki Ogawa! I can't be sure of the kanji, because I've seen it written like four different ways, but it's still Yuki. さすがにそのかわいい奴がかわいい名前ある ^__^

I learned a few other lore things that somehow make the MV make more and less sense at the same time, but I'm just focusing on the fact that I don't have to keep calling him "the guy from TAMAYA" lol. Surprisingly I wasn't able to find names for the characters from the other songs? idk maybe I didn't look hard enough. I already knew that the girl from Goodbye Sengen is called Rena, so I presume everyone does have names but I just couldn't find them. Whatever, Yuki is my favorite so I don't really need to know what anyone else is called. (I tell myself this so I won't waste time looking through more comments and summaries lol)

Whenever I see the name "Yuki" my mind immediately goes to Kaai Yuki (another one of my favorite Vocaloids), this is gonna take a while to get used to lol.

Less than a week until the new album! (it doesn't really matter since I can't buy it and I've already heard almost all the songs on it, but still. I'm allowed to be excited.)

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"will you please stop talking about Chinozo all the time" fine I'll talk about Chogakusei instead!
I think Chogakusei is in some sort of Hazbin Hotel arc, since his 3 latest covers have all been Hazbin songs. ignore the fact that two of them are actually the same song in different languages lol. the Japanese version of Poison is better btw Hazbin Hotel doesn't particularly interest me, I have no opinions on it either way, but it looks like the music is pretty good at least. So I don't mind. I actually hope he'll do a few more, it's a good change of pace from the usual Vocaloid covers.

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Can't believe there's only three weeks left in the semester. Probably because those three weeks are crammed full of deadlines and big projects .__. College kinda sucks lol.

 

[Dubious Disc]

On April 21st, 2024, Crusher's ECHO became the second Vocaloid song in history (and the first English Vocaloid song) to reach 100 million views! It took almost 10 years to reach this point... And I was there to see it happen :) As in, I was frantically reloading the page over and over to see the view count finally change lol
Honestly, this is really cool! ECHO was the first Vocaloid song I ever heard, it was a really big part of my middle school years (as it doubtless was for many others) and I have a lot of nostalgia for it. So it's exciting to see it finally reach this milestone.

I don't even remember when I first heard ECHO - I'm suspecting I might have been recommended it because I was watching a lot of Undertale content at the time, and if I recall correctly, there was a pretty popular animation that used ECHO as background music, so that might be how I found it. Either way, my edgy teen self really latched onto it, I remember listening to it for hours lol. That was the start of my very short English Vocaloid phase, during 2017 or thereabouts. I found a few other songs that I liked (Copycat, Last of Me, Karma, and MONSTER are the most iconic ones in my memory) and absolutely consumed them. Now I look back on all those songs very fondly, they always take me back when I listen to them. I think that only lasted a few months though, I kinda forgot about Vocaloid after that and I just started listening exclusively to Undertale remixes lol. ...and then six years later I stumbled upon Japanese Vocaloid and my entire taste in music was overthrown and rewritten. (That's where I am now. hello!)
All of this to say that I consider ECHO to be a very important part of my past! So yeah, I think it's awesome that ECHO of all songs has made history like this.

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Speaking of history-making Vocaloid music, Chinozo's new album is finally out c:

Overall, it's pretty good! It's got a lot of the songs I like. I was glad to see that one of the new songs had Kasane Teto, hopefully this means her appearance in follower of the crowd wasn't a one-off and we'll get to hear more of her in the future. Honestly though, my favorite of the new tracks is the alternate version of Goodbye Sengen - it was really cool to hear Chinozo's most iconic song revisited with the new Vocaloids that have joined the crew since then. It almost feels like we're hearing the song's character development lol.

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Miscellaneous rapid-fire about other new songs that released in the past week or so:

Spoiler

I'm the Rain by inabakumori - I will never say no to more rain-themed inabakumori songs c: It feels more energetic than the usual melancholy vibe you get from inabakumori, so that's a nice change. The animation in the MV is neat too.

Reversal by syudou - YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH! FREAKING LOVE IT! It's always good to hear some upbeat syudou. Even though I didn't initially know it was another Tsukimichi opening, I could immediately tell from the beginning, like "wait this is just like Gambling!" Gambling is my favorite syudou song by far, so it was awesome hearing a song that's basically a partner to it. Loved seeing all the references, both in the MV and the lyrics. The characters look really cool, Ryuuseee's art never misses.

Wink by Azari and Rosu - I'm disappointed that the video has a normal title instead of being blank or mysteriously short lol. But woooooow, what a good song. The vocals are crazy good, the high pitch is so eerie and it fits the song's unsettling vibe perfectly. Overall a certified spooky Azari banger as always.

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I'm glad the weather is finally getting better, hopefully once classes are done I'll be able to spend more time outside.

 

[Dubious Disc]

When did May sneak up on us? I was writing today's date on something and I accidentally wrote April 31st instead of May 1st. Seriously, how is it May already?!

Thinking...
I think it's a little weird that I've never really found any fictional characters that I can relate to. Somehow, of all the characters I've come across, there hasn't been one that I can look at and think, "they're just like me." I don't really know why, though. Is it because of their personality not matching mine, or me not understanding their experiences, or something else? Sometimes I'll come across someone who seems relatable, but then they have some trait that's completely different and irreconcilable with my own being.

In terms of personality, it might be because most of my defining features (e.g. difficulty communicating, lack of friends, self-esteem issues, etc) are considered flaws, so any character who has those traits usually overcomes them by the end of the story. So if we have an outcast who doesn't fit in, for instance, I might relate to them at the start, but then they end up developing a tight-knit group of supportive friends and I grow to resent them instead. (This is why The Owl House hit a bit of a nerve near the end.) They live in an idealized story where everything has to work out, while real life isn't like that. I don't have a writer making sure that everything turns out right for me in the end.

Another thing that I think gets in the way is how introverted characters are often portrayed - like, I'm honestly tired of seeing shyness and social awkwardness depicted as something cute and endearing. Most shy characters I come across are shown as being soft and gentle and likable. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's just so far from my own experience. My own social awkwardness isn't something cute, it's awkward. It's embarrassing. And I'm tired of seeing the things I dislike about myself romanticized and treated as something charming and likable. I just want to see an introverted, socially awkward character who isn't portrayed as a soft fragile little uwu bean.

Spoiler: tangent

Okay, I'm coming way out of left field with this one, but while writing the above I just remembered exactly one such character that I actually do kinda relate to, except it's from a somewhat unexpected source material lol. Even though Odd Squad (a PBS Kids show that's targeted toward elementary schoolers, but which I still unironically love even as a young adult) has been around since like 2014, I only started watching it a few years ago, and when I got to Season 2 I really resonated with Otis in particular - being introverted and socially awkward is pretty much the core of his personality, but it wasn't handled in an irritating way at all. It wasn't portrayed as something likable or something negative, it was just there, as a natural part of his character. I mean, it was played for laughs now and then, but not in a disparaging way. When I laughed it was usually because I recognized that I'd do the exact same thing in that situation, like "yeah I feel that lol." This might be because it's a kids show and its primary focus is teaching math, so it didn't go as in-depth with character development as a show aimed toward older audiences would have, but I honestly really appreciated how Otis was written. So yeah, looks like there actually is a fictional character I relate to, and it's a kid from a PBS Kids show of all things lmao. (I seriously do like Odd Squad though, something about its absurd humor really scratches my brain itch. It's a great show as long as you don't take it too seriously.)

Still, I wish there was some character from a video game or non-kid-centered TV show that I could relate to more. For instance, I don't relate to any Pokémon characters. I mean, maybe Pokémon isn't really the best example to use, but still, can't think of any game characters that are really like me. Maybe I'm just too picky, like I'm trying to find someone that's exactly like me with no differences, but those differences are what keep me from relating to them in the first place. So I don't really know. Whatever, I'm mostly rambling aimlessly at this point lol.

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Obligatory music-related stuff!!
I finally listened to all of Chogakusei's MARETU covers for the first time recently, and wooooooah they're insanely good!!! Honestly, I don't normally listen to MARETU - even though I really like their musical style with all the cool electronic stuff, their subject matter kinda weirds me out, so I've avoided them for the most part. But I've been listening to the Chogakusei covers on loop for days, his voice is awesome and it fits MARETU's style perfectly despite being pretty much the opposite of Hatsune Miku in every way imaginable.

Anyway, the timing on this was absolutely perfect, because it turns out that he's dropping a new MARETU cover tomorrow!! ...except the preview hints pretty strongly that it's Binomi, and I...don't like Binomi lol. I don't even like the instrumental, which is rare. Lyrics aside (which is a whole other weirdness), it's just too unsettling for me to listen to. Bit of a shame, since I really liked Dance of Life before it, but whatever. I trust that Chogakusei will be able to work his magic and make Binomi somewhat listenable

Kairiki Bear had a live show a few days ago, of course I had no way of seeing it but I hope it was cool!

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I wrote all of this when I was tired, and I haven't had the chance to reread and edit it 50 times like I usually do, so apologies for any incoherence or weirdness lol.

 

[Dubious Disc]

Yoooooo it's my first Bulbaversary!! Man, I can't believe it's already been a year since I joined. Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever, other times I feel like it's only been a week or so lol.

It feels weird looking back at my past self from a year ago, when my main interests were Kirby and Mega Man and I knew almost nothing about Vocaloid. And now I barely think about Kirby anymore, and Mega Man has kinda gone on the back burner too, in part because of circumstances beyond my control. In general it feels weird looking back at how my interests have evolved, especially since my taste is rather fickle and prone to suddenly changing before I know it.

I kinda wish I could have a normal relationship with my interests instead of constantly being bound by obsession and fixation. For some reason, I can't really take a superficial casual interest in things - either I'm completely apathetic toward it and don't care to engage with it at all, or it consumes my mind and thoughts and becomes my entire personality, leaving no room for anything else. And then sometimes I get burned out, and it feels like I have this void that I can't figure out how to fill, and then I get over it and the cycle begins again.

It's always a strange feeling when I realize that my main "phase" has shifted. It used to be Pokémon a few years ago, and then Kirby, and around the time I joined it was shifting to Mega Man. And then sometime during the summer I discovered Vocaloid, and at first it was just a minor interest, but then I started to fall further down the rabbit hole (ironically, I haven't actually listened to Rabbit Hole lol) and just a few months later I noticed that I wasn't really thinking about Mega Man anymore. And at first I felt kinda guilty about it, like "but I'm a Mega Man fan, right? That's what my whole thing is, isn't it?" It's only recently that I've finally accepted that my hyperfixation has changed. So at the moment I'm kinda indifferent toward the likes of Mega Man and Kirby - not that I don't like them, I'm still happy to see them, I'm just not as invested in them now. They're more part of my past than my present.

It's a little sad in a way, the fact that I stop caring about the things that used to define so much of me, but ultimately I usually lose interests like this because I ended up finding something I loved more, not because I started to dislike them. Like, I may not listen to video game music much anymore, but that void has been filled by the new music I've discovered. Chinozo occupies much the same place in my heart as Dreams of an Absolution and various Kirby tracks used to. So it's not a loss as much as a replacement. And if, at some point in the future, I start to disconnect from Vocaloid, I can always go back to VGM.

If anything, I guess this has taught me that it's okay to change. It's okay to dislike the things I used to like, or to like the things I used to not care about. I don't have to feel obligated to like something, or stick with the same interests forever. Maybe I'll stop liking Vocaloid too in future, or maybe I'll keep listening for years to come. Either way, it's okay.

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Oh yeah, I listened to the Binomi cover! I don't know whether it's because of Chogakusei's voice specifically or just the fact that it's a human vocal with more emotion, but somehow the cover was even more unsettling. Sometimes a good cover can save a song I don't like, but this wasn't it lol. Not saying it was bad, in terms of voice it's good as always, just that it didn't weird me out any less than the original. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Loved the earrings, though!!

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It's kinda annoying how these horizontal lines don't show up well on Grimergarden's dark background. Makes it look like the spacing between paragraphs is wonky :P

Gonna go watch some more Cardcaptor Sakura...I only have a few weeks to get through as much of it as possible before it leaves Netflix ;__; I'm sure I can find it at the library, but using Netflix is way easier than renting and watching DVD's so I'm gonna make the most of the time I've got. I've got like 40 episodes to go, aaaaaahh...