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Once Blue [a somewhat different trainer fic]

achooxp

Digital Quirkster
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Well, hello there. I've been meaning to do a somewhat creative trainer for quite some while. It's less a trainer though, since as I've laid it out, the journey itself will be noted, but not so important... as it stands, I'm playing this fic by ear, writing bits and pieces in between class and while sitting on the subway. This is a bit short, but it's a prologue, and a testing ground. I'd like to see some advice so I can play with tone and whatnot for what is to come...

Prologue

The pictures speak to me from time to time. The frayed edges of the black-and-white photos ingrained in my mind stiffen and color seeps in- the flow of time halts as memory once again becomes reality. The fifty years that have since passed, the changes that have both modernized and scarred the world fade and it is all Blue once again.

"Grandpa Red!!!" her shrill voice pierced my thoughts, my eyes slowly leaving the sky, passing the green canopy covering the park, and eventually finding the bright hazel of Jaune's eyes.

"Sorry, drifted away. You know how it is with us old folks," I sheepishly apologized to my granddaughter.

"Well, will you?" she asked brightly, squeezing my hand tightly and expectantly.

"Will I what?" I replied perhaps a little bit too cheerfully, not really wanting to know her request. She was to be ten this coming Friday.

"Haven't you been listening Gramps?!! Take me to Pallet Town! Will you take me to Pallet Town this Friday! I'm going to be ten, you know!" she exclaimed, hand upon hip. She must have learned that trick from Misty.

"Oh sorry dear, it slipped my mind." Her smile fell a notch. "We'll have to ask your parents, of course." The light in her eyes dimmed upon they were as dull as my own. Guiltily, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a bill. "Here, take this and get two ice creams from the stand by the fountain- you know my favorite," I said in my kindest tone of voice.

She took the bill and trudged towards the fountain. A breeze blew, kicking up some dust and causing a brief and premature shower of green leaves.

I sat on the bench and once again let my eyes wander up to the late summer sky.

Yes, I'll take her, I decided, back to where it all began- Pallet Town.

I dreaded and eagerly awaited Jaune's tenth birthday.
 
I already told you I really liked this, and I hope you write more. ^^ Plus the title is so intriguing.

So write more >=/
 
I rather like it so far ^_^ Nice mellow tone. More detailed reply as promised later. Fingers are cold and I'm sleepy ^^

[Edit]

Now here's me being picky.

"Sorry, drifted away. You know how it is with us old folks," I sheepishly apologized to my granddaughter.

- I think apologized sheepishly sounds better, or apoligzed to my granddaughter, sheepishly. But I think this is a matter of different styles and simply what I would have written.

The light in her eyes dimmed upon they were as dull as my own

- Shouldn't that upon be until?

I think that was really all I wanted to point out. And an instance of a her that should be Her, after the first line of dialouge.
 
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I like it! Very cute...in a laid-back, summer blues sort of way. I like the title, and I love how the prologue doesn't really reveal anything and keeps you wanting more.

Good, Mousie. ^^
 
That was much shorter than I expected. ^^; It promises much explanation. I like the tone from what I've seen, as it seems to suit the older character of Grandpa Red. Is it based on the Adventures manga?

Jaune. *cracks up* If it is indeed from the manga, is she named after his childhood fangirl? ^.^
 
Good beginning--a nice, quick read, which is what I always appreciate. (Never had much the patience for long chapters ... although being the hypocrite I am, always pumped them out.) I'd just say maybe beef it up a bit with a dash more detail. And I'm still wary of trainer fics even after all these years, so...
 
Ambivalent remorse

You've committed cardinal grammatic sins! Your dashes are hypens O= Oh oh, a run-on sentence! Replace the errant comma after "her shrill voice pierced my thoughts" with a period. For shame. ):

Now that you're nice and cheered up, I have to say, I like this. The brief introduction gives me a satisfying nibble without being overwhelming. I had to resist momentarily an urge to steal this wicked line: "...eventually finding the bright hazel of Jaune's eyes." Good stuff (y)

And if you're only casually writting this in your free time, d00d, I can only imagine the mountains your words will move if you try.

As some wise dead guy undoubtedly once said, "To succeed, just don't screw up too often." For you, so far so good. :)

...I wonder what ice cream flavor he likes.
 
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