Persephone
The Vulture Queen
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2014
- Messages
- 863
- Reaction score
- 211
Chapter 2:
Not doing a quote-review unless I see any technical errors in future chapters. But the “secluded corner of the universe” line was great.
In general the writing was very good with emotions, dwelling on grief, guilt and the constant insecurity of Atis. Even not knowing much about the characters I got a good feel for him and, sort of, Sai.
I loved Glori. She’s so cute and headstrong. It’s kind of easy to forget that she’s a magikarp and not a goldeen or something else. I still have to maintain that I has the bset magikarp in the workshop, but he’s technically evolved now so I’ll give that a pass.
In general, the chapter had some powerful writing and did well with making mundane events into good scenes. That’s really rare in fan fic, so kudos on that.
Chapter 3:
The tone here changed from constant guilt, anxiety and obsession to aloofness from everything here, so you did a good job at flipping narrators to highlight how the trauma is affecting everyone differently.
Only flaw that really stood out here is that there was a mention of Ezram doing dishes and I am very much wondering how a braviary can do that without getting the dishes more infected. Of course, is birb, might not care.
If there’s one little thing that nagged me, it’s that in this chapter I don’t quite buy the relationship between Ezrem and his partner. It feels like Ezrem is a bit too distant from everything to maintain it and that, however nice she is, his partner would be a little more angry with him that he kept constantly going away.
Only thing I have to say about Senori is RIP in peace.
ALSO WHAT THE HECK SPOILERS FOR LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES YOU MONSTER HOW COULD YOU #AnnieDeservedBetter #StopBuryingBisexuals
Chapter 4:
RIP in Ashes, Senori
I didn’t get quite the same overpowering emotional vibe from this one. Some weakness, I guess?
This one definitely seemed to be more about Sai than the last two, so this is my first real exposure to him outside the first chapter I don’t remember. He seems believable enough as someone with bipolar disorder during a relatively better phase at a rough time, from the amount I know (had bipolar friends, am not myself).
I rather like the idea of a nerdy pokemon, especially a feraligatr. Massive, hulking lizard really just wants to talk to you about architecture and also maybe rip you to shreds if you’re a pokemon in her way and she’s in the right mood. She felt like the best character so far, anyway. Glori excluded for the moment, because outside of one conversation we haven’t seen much of her. What little we did see in this chapter felt good, though, in that she showed a genuinely softer and helpful side beneath the innocently insensitive insights she’s usually good for.
Been to a couple funerals recently. None for anyone I was close to. So I really understand both the odd fact that the person most affected has to act like the social host for some reason and that a lot of people are there for other people and don’t really have anything to say about the person who died. So that vibe was good, I guess.
Chapter 5:
You do a good job portraying Rennio as younger than the other characters here, but at least older than Shin. The punctuation helped! The chapter felt shorter than the ones before it. Not sure if that’s due to fewer words or a brisker plot or less emotional weight under everything. Either way, youth aside, there wasn’t a lot of heavy emotion here.
But it’s also kind of subtly highlighted that Rennio’s kind of lost two parental figures if he was closer to Senori than Sai, as I got through this and other chapters. He certainly thinks of Annie as more of a parent, caregiver and friend than Ezrem, who mostly just seems to remember her as a fellow traveler of sorts.
On to plot, for the bonuz pointz.
The plot so far has been mostly character driven, with the actual events entirely outside of anyone’s control but yours as the sadistic fucker writing this. But since the characters won’t know that until Transcendence Project, everything felt like people were just waiting, powerless, for the other shoe to drop. That’s not often a place that good writers put their characters in, since not having agency makes it hard to make a character a meaningful protagonist, but it works here.
In terms of the proposed plot, that’s one heck of a challenge you’ve wrote yourself into. Especially if you plan on resolving it happily (or at least successfully) and getting readers to buy it. I imagine most of the legal records would be sealed because minors and I wonder if the kid even wants to be found. Or if anyone, Sai included, would have thought about that.
The big irony for me in the Rennio chapter is how much he focuses on Sai not asking the team for their opinions on a quest that involves shaking up a little boy’s world for the vague satisfaction of two strangers to him, whether he wants it or not.
But whatevs. It’s hard to keep the grief plot going for long so if the story is meant to be more than a quick miniseries with six POV chapters and then maybe a Sai or Shin epilogue, then you’ll have to get him outside the apartment.
Speaking of: What does he do for his money now? He hasn’t had a job in the months the story has taken place over and seems to keep his apartment just fine. And no one ever mentioned losing his career if he left. Even if Jasmine pays for the apartment, he apparently has at least enough money to go out and eat.
And if he’s living on savings, wouldn’t he have money for something other than a pokeball to bury Senori in? So many questions.
Anyway, know that I hold you responsible for needlessly killing a furret, even as you complain about birbslayers.
Hypocritical monster, you.
Not doing a quote-review unless I see any technical errors in future chapters. But the “secluded corner of the universe” line was great.
In general the writing was very good with emotions, dwelling on grief, guilt and the constant insecurity of Atis. Even not knowing much about the characters I got a good feel for him and, sort of, Sai.
I loved Glori. She’s so cute and headstrong. It’s kind of easy to forget that she’s a magikarp and not a goldeen or something else. I still have to maintain that I has the bset magikarp in the workshop, but he’s technically evolved now so I’ll give that a pass.
In general, the chapter had some powerful writing and did well with making mundane events into good scenes. That’s really rare in fan fic, so kudos on that.
Chapter 3:
The tone here changed from constant guilt, anxiety and obsession to aloofness from everything here, so you did a good job at flipping narrators to highlight how the trauma is affecting everyone differently.
Only flaw that really stood out here is that there was a mention of Ezram doing dishes and I am very much wondering how a braviary can do that without getting the dishes more infected. Of course, is birb, might not care.
If there’s one little thing that nagged me, it’s that in this chapter I don’t quite buy the relationship between Ezrem and his partner. It feels like Ezrem is a bit too distant from everything to maintain it and that, however nice she is, his partner would be a little more angry with him that he kept constantly going away.
Only thing I have to say about Senori is RIP in peace.
ALSO WHAT THE HECK SPOILERS FOR LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES YOU MONSTER HOW COULD YOU #AnnieDeservedBetter #StopBuryingBisexuals
Chapter 4:
RIP in Ashes, Senori
I didn’t get quite the same overpowering emotional vibe from this one. Some weakness, I guess?
This one definitely seemed to be more about Sai than the last two, so this is my first real exposure to him outside the first chapter I don’t remember. He seems believable enough as someone with bipolar disorder during a relatively better phase at a rough time, from the amount I know (had bipolar friends, am not myself).
I rather like the idea of a nerdy pokemon, especially a feraligatr. Massive, hulking lizard really just wants to talk to you about architecture and also maybe rip you to shreds if you’re a pokemon in her way and she’s in the right mood. She felt like the best character so far, anyway. Glori excluded for the moment, because outside of one conversation we haven’t seen much of her. What little we did see in this chapter felt good, though, in that she showed a genuinely softer and helpful side beneath the innocently insensitive insights she’s usually good for.
Been to a couple funerals recently. None for anyone I was close to. So I really understand both the odd fact that the person most affected has to act like the social host for some reason and that a lot of people are there for other people and don’t really have anything to say about the person who died. So that vibe was good, I guess.
Chapter 5:
You do a good job portraying Rennio as younger than the other characters here, but at least older than Shin. The punctuation helped! The chapter felt shorter than the ones before it. Not sure if that’s due to fewer words or a brisker plot or less emotional weight under everything. Either way, youth aside, there wasn’t a lot of heavy emotion here.
But it’s also kind of subtly highlighted that Rennio’s kind of lost two parental figures if he was closer to Senori than Sai, as I got through this and other chapters. He certainly thinks of Annie as more of a parent, caregiver and friend than Ezrem, who mostly just seems to remember her as a fellow traveler of sorts.
On to plot, for the bonuz pointz.
The plot so far has been mostly character driven, with the actual events entirely outside of anyone’s control but yours as the sadistic fucker writing this. But since the characters won’t know that until Transcendence Project, everything felt like people were just waiting, powerless, for the other shoe to drop. That’s not often a place that good writers put their characters in, since not having agency makes it hard to make a character a meaningful protagonist, but it works here.
In terms of the proposed plot, that’s one heck of a challenge you’ve wrote yourself into. Especially if you plan on resolving it happily (or at least successfully) and getting readers to buy it. I imagine most of the legal records would be sealed because minors and I wonder if the kid even wants to be found. Or if anyone, Sai included, would have thought about that.
The big irony for me in the Rennio chapter is how much he focuses on Sai not asking the team for their opinions on a quest that involves shaking up a little boy’s world for the vague satisfaction of two strangers to him, whether he wants it or not.
But whatevs. It’s hard to keep the grief plot going for long so if the story is meant to be more than a quick miniseries with six POV chapters and then maybe a Sai or Shin epilogue, then you’ll have to get him outside the apartment.
Speaking of: What does he do for his money now? He hasn’t had a job in the months the story has taken place over and seems to keep his apartment just fine. And no one ever mentioned losing his career if he left. Even if Jasmine pays for the apartment, he apparently has at least enough money to go out and eat.
And if he’s living on savings, wouldn’t he have money for something other than a pokeball to bury Senori in? So many questions.
Anyway, know that I hold you responsible for needlessly killing a furret, even as you complain about birbslayers.
Hypocritical monster, you.