TEEN: Stainless Steel; or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn

[Olive]

Re: Stainless Steel: or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn (Now with 20% more chapte

Here's what I came across while reviewing this story for the awards. I quite liked it, and I hope this helps in some way.

Technique
Throughout this story there was not a single spelling mistake or instance of incorrect grammar that I could discern. The only tidbit that threw me off was a lack of the five asterisks that you use to signify a scene or time change, at the end of sixth chapter. Not really an error, but it did make the shift from Steven and his party in Oldale Town to Winona and her father in Fortree City just the least bit confusing. That aside, a very meticulously edited work.

Style
The prose works well and is easy to read, however there were a few places where the pacing got thrown off a bit. Steven’s card game at the Pokémon Center as well as the lesson on berries both seemed unnecessarily lengthy considering how little they really contributed to the plot, but I do appreciate the glimpse they give into the everyday life of a trainer. The chapters are a bit short at points, but the variation in lengths is nevertheless an interesting tool to give the story a dynamic flow. The dialogue typically works naturally, though there are some portions where it feels too engineered. Steven and Wallace’s initial conversation as well as Steven’s subsequent argument with his father both felt unnaturally forced. Aside from those occasional lapses in dialogue, the prose and chapter structure both flow quite smoothly.

Plot
The story itself has been pretty solid so far. The only thing I would have liked to have seen more of was training, but I could see why you decided to postpone that until Miss Carolyn showed up to emphasize Steven’s inexperience. Other than that minor note, there are just some odd things that happen in the story that don’t really get the explanation they deserve, leaving me just a bit puzzled. Primarily, there is the matter in the first chapter as to how Wallace ended up at the Stone Estate in the first place. Wallace says that an old man directed him to Steven’s house in order to find an individual to teach him about Pokémon, leading Wallace to sneak through a hole in the fence that this old man knew about, climb a tree, fall out of that tree as Steven is under it, and then challenge him to a hasty battle. This all feels like a rather convoluted way to acquaint these two characters and catalyze Steven’s confrontation with his father later on. Not only that, but the mysterious old man who directed Wallace to Steven in the first place, could have been given just a little more significance and consideration, given how he must factor back into the story later, and if he doesn’t factor back into the story later then he seems like a rather odd plot device to get Steven and Wallace to meet. There is also the matter as to how Miss Carolyn was able to track Steven down so quickly. She was assigned to find him on the evening of Chapter Four, and the very next morning, in Chapter Five, she catches up with him in Petalburg City. How she managed to track him down over the span of what must have been less than ten hours, especially considering that he made it a point to leave as little of trail as possible, was just the least bit hard to swallow. It could just be assumed that Petalburg was the next logical stop for him, but at least a sentence or two of dialogue would have cleared that up nicely, perhaps even adding to Carolyn’s character in the process. Lastly, I appreciate that the Team Millennium subplot has been introduced to give the story something else to hold attention as a side to Steven’s journey. Perhaps they were introduced a tad prematurely, but it all works out so that's really just my own preference. Regardless of all that, you’ve laid down a pretty solid foundation so far to progress from.

Characters
There hasn’t been much development yet from anyone. The most dynamic character has been Steven, and he has received a rather inconsistent showing. For the first several chapters he’s pretty calm, calculating, friendly, and humble. In Chapter Five in particular he suddenly becomes rude and particularly overconfident. By the proceeding chapter he’s dropped this personality in favor of his previous nice guy, kind-of-inexperienced personality. Anyhow, it’s still early in the story so his character might get a better treatment as things evolve, but for now he’s been a tad hard to follow. Wallace has been a fairly amusing character so far, with his constant restating of the fact that he is Master Juan’s apprentice as well as his melodramatic actions in general. Then of course his interactions with Steven are well constructed, with a few exceptions. Some of the background characters felt a tad generic, especially Mr. Stone, but for the most part the cast is working together nicely.

Setting
The settings are well-constructed and interact with the plot quite well. In particular, the description of Stone Manor as being massive and elegant, yet hidden away from view and occupied by only three people was a very nice touch. The gyms as well as the Petalburg Forest also served nicely to set the atmosphere of their respective scenes. They could definitely be expanded upon, yet they are nevertheless portrayed nicely.

All Things Considered
Technically and stylistically I found this to be a particularly well-written story with a great deal of potential given the direction it is going. It still seems to be a tad early for the plot as well as the characters to be developing to a higher level of fruition though. Once things start to come together a little more, the story itself will shape up nicely. Being a fan of expansions of this variety, I look forward to seeing what direction you take things in.

 

[Lugion]

Re: Stainless Steel: or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn (Now with 20% more chapte

Thank you so much, @Sir Jace; this is super helpful! I do have to admit I have a bit of trouble characterizing Steven, but I'm working on that. It seems to be the most common criticism I've encountered so far.

Now, I've kept you all waiting for the next chapter for far too long. There's more coming very soon. I promise.

 

[AetherX]

Re: Stainless Steel: or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn (Now with 20% more chapte

Hey there, awards judging review incoming. Quick disclaimer: I'm considerably harsher in these than in my regular reviews.

This is a solid expansion plot for Pokemon. It's a journey story of a character that has little to no development in canon, so there's plenty of room to be free. That said it's setting up as a pretty standard journey fic so far, with plenty of popular tropes thrown in at every turn. I'm not saying it has to break every mold, but I think a little more uniqueness or originality would go a long way. I like Miss Carolyn in that regard. Team Millenium seems kind of cool, and I like the Egyptian motif, but I have yet to see anything that really blows me away. It wouldn't be accurate to say that this is a cookie-cutter journey fic, but I think it's only within a couple standard deviations of the mean as far as journey fic plots go. The style feels pretty standard. There's nothing particularly memorable for better or for worse. That's both bad and good, I suppose? It's damn hard to establish a really unique voice with a plot like this (especially one only having developed this far). There's nothing particularly warm or charming about it, nor dark or intriguing, but it has its own appeal. My advice would be to not get to stuck in what the original version of the story was. If you want to branch out and do something more ambitious, do it. You've developed a lot as a writer since you came up with this stuff.

As far as setting goes... it's game-verse Hoenn. It's not fantastically elaborated on. No world building to speak of, but an acceptable amount of setting description. Again, I think getting a bit more ambitious in this department would go a long way towards improving the memorability of this fic.

It's hard to get too in depth on characterization given that there are only a handful of chapters, but what's there is... lacking? Steven's character is at the least solid and consistent. I'm comfortable with who he is and hell, he's even relatable. My main issue with him is the fact that I'm not too sure about his depth. The personality that he has doesn't seem to come from anything in his past or any of that. Wallace's character is pretty good, but again it's too early to have established much depth.

On the technical side of things, I thought I noticed a couple typos, but they weren't jarring and I can't find them now.

So overall, this is a pretty solid journey fic. Not great, but far from bad. It would benefit a lot from more depth. Depth of characters, depth of plot, and depth of setting. I realize it's too early for that depth to really rear its head, but I think you could start developing it.

Keep it up, and let me know if you have any questions.

 

[Lugion]

Re: Stainless Steel: or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn (Now with 20% more chapte

Here we are. I suspect some of you will find this chapter a bit clunky, but I decided to take something in particular in a different direction than I originally planned. Hope you guys enjoy it nevertheless. (Remember, let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!)

@Kyriaki;

Chapter Seven: Tea Time​

Steven would have walked right past the Oldale Town Pokémon Center had Miss Carolyn not led him straight to it. Rather than the normal slate siding, the walls were dark wooden panels. The roof was wooden too, a reddish wood that Steven took to be mahogany. Miss Carolyn slid back the wooden paneled door and led them inside.

The hardwood floors were surprisingly well-maintained. At wooden tables arranged neatly to either side of the door, people sat conversing politely and sipping steaming tea out of ceramic cups. Two wide wooden paneled doors stood open on the back wall to the left of the nurse's counter, leading out to a neatly-kept garden.

Steven followed Miss Carolyn and Wallace towards the door leading out to the tea garden, shuffling along on his aching feet, slumping under the weight of his backpack.

Steven shuffled right past Wallace, who had stopped to gape at the Magikarp pond and the artificial stream feeding it that wound through the garden. He found a concrete table surrounded by four concrete stools, and planted himself firmly on top of it, letting his backpack down gently to the ground.

“This is positively splendid!” Wallace declared, throwing his hands up into the air. “The winding path of the stream, the gentle babble it makes, the wind whispering in the exquisitely-manicured trees and bushes! And the gentle dirt path tying it all together!” He unhooked his four Poké Balls from his belt and released Marill, Magikarp, Feebas, and Lotad into the crystal clear water. Lotad greeted its trainer with a Water Gun to the face.

Miss Carolyn laughed and patted Wallace on the back. “Let's go inside and get you dried off. Steven, would you like any tea?”

“No, thank you. I'm fine, Miss Carolyn,” Steven replied, slouching forward and resting his elbows on the table.

He sat there as they turned and went back inside. A cool, gentle breeze gave life to the foliage all around, and Beldum hovered over to one of a handful of wind chimes hanging from the trees all around the garden. He started making noises, clanging, ringing, and banging.

Steven raised an eyebrow at Beldum and grimaced. As he watched, the cacophony slowly settled, becoming less rhythmic but more thoughtful. Then Steven could make out the tinkling noise of the wind chime, and Beldum's echoing notes a few octaves lower. He couldn't help but smile then, watching Beldum try to follow along with the chiming the tiny metal shafts made as they bounced off of each other.

He turned to see Wallace's Marill climb up over the lip of the stone edge of the pond. It squealed happily and leaped into the air, plopping back down into the water with a splash. Magikarp bumped Feebas gently, and then quickly spun around and darted away. Feebas tailed Magikarp for a short distance, but quickly found itself outpaced. It turned and shot right up from beneath Lotad, flipping Lotad over, before joining Magikarp in fleeing. Lotad wriggled its little blue legs in the air and grunted. Its legs swung this way and that in unison, and after several tries, Lotad finally righted itself.

Steven laughed at that. Maybe all this walking pays off sometimes, he thought. He stretched his arms up into the air and yawned. It was nice, he decided, not being in a hurry. He took a deep breath, and the scent of lavender and roses and lilacs filled his nostrils. The sounds of the Pokémon playing filled his ears with a childlike symphony. His father was far away.

His backpack wiggled, brushing against his leg. He looked down, and unzipped one of the pockets, letting Baltoy vault out and onto the ground. Baltoy shook itself, spinning back and forth a few times, and then hopped forward.

“Don't go too far, now,” Steven said. “If you run away, Miss Carolyn will come after you.”

Baltoy stopped, turned back to Steven, and nodded its head three times before continuing on toward the Pokémon playing in the pond.

Miss Carolyn appeared at the door again, followed by Wallace. They sat on the other stools to either side of Steven. “You know, it might be a good idea to nickname your Pokémon, boys,” Miss Carolyn said, as a school of Magikarp entered the pond from the stream.

“I hadn't thought of that,” Wallace said, furrowing his brow and tapping his chin. “None of the other trainers in Master Juan's gym used Magikarp. I suppose Alexander will do. Victoria for Feebas, Edward for Marill, and... Philip for Lotad.”

Miss Carolyn smiled and nodded. “Those are wonderful names, Wallace. And you, Steven? I'm not sure how many Beldum we'll encounter out there, but it never hurts, and giving your Pokémon a nickname can help promote a stronger bond between you and him.”

Steven planted his chin in the palm of his hand and looked hard at the concrete table. Miss Carolyn looked at him expectantly. After a moment, he shrugged. “Nothing fitting really comes to mind.”

Wallace snorted and rolled his eyes. Miss Carolyn put a hand on Steven's shoulder. “That's okay. Give it time; it'll come to you eventually.”

A waitress in a black skirt stepped out the open door, balancing a tray with three cups on top. She strode over to their table, smiled, and sat the tray down in the unoccupied space.

“Okay,” she said, smiling at each of them in turn, “we have a triple-mocha latte with extra low-fat whipped cream for the gentleman with the teal hair.” She passed the tall cup to Wallace, who thanked her and smiled.

“And two green teas with lemon,” she said, sitting a small cup each in front of Steven and Miss Carolyn.

“Thank you,” Miss Carolyn said, smiling at the girl.

“If you need anything, let me know!” the waitress said, and then turned and walked back into the Pokémon Center.

Steven took a sip. The tartness brought back fond memories of early mornings with his mother and Miss Carolyn, of walks through the garden and the hedge maze. He couldn't help the smile forming on his lips, or the warm feeling in his chest.

“Miss Carolyn,” Steven said, “thanks.”

Miss Carolyn smiled. “You're welcome, Steven.”

The Pokémon played, and Steven sipped his tea. Beldum knocked Baltoy over Edward's tail, right onto the lilypad on Philip's back. Baltoy grunted and growled and hopped up and down angrily as Philip glided away from the shore. Alexander and Victoria were joined in their aquatic races by the other Magikarp, as well as a handful of Goldeen that had just arrived from upstream.

Miss Carolyn's Medicham, which they learned was named “Chan”, stood silently on one foot, its hands pressed together above its head. He raised his other foot upward along the curvature of his supporting leg, and extended it straight out to the side.

“So, Miss Carolyn, did you ever take the gym challenge?” Wallace asked, having drained his coffee.

Miss Carolyn sat her cup down. “No, but I did a bit of traveling in my youth. As a teenager, I trained in the Dewford gym. I learned a lot from Master Lee, and not just about Pokémon battling.”

“Oh, I see. Master Juan has told me a few tales about Master Lee,” Wallace said. “He told me Master Lee gave him one of the greatest battles he's ever had the pleasure of taking part in.”

“Oh, I was there,” Miss Carolyn said, resting her chin on her fist. “It was such a dreary, chilly day in Lilycove City when they battled. I was still a pupil of Master Lee's back then, and all of my fellow students were there too. I'd never seen such a crowd before. And the battle, it was like a dance, the way it flowed. First one way, then the other, then back again. The tide of battle changed like the surface of the sea. And the way both of them gave it their all, just as much as their Pokémon did.”

“And Master Juan came out on top in the end of it,” Wallace said. “That's why he's the greatest!”

Steven rolled his eyes, but Miss Carolyn just smiled. “So he did.”

“Miss Carolyn?” Steven said.

“Yes, Steven?”

“Why did you stop?” Steven asked.

“What do you mean?” Miss Carolyn asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Why did you stop being a trainer?”

Miss Carolyn hesitated, folded her hands together and planted her elbows on the table. She gazed down at her tea. After a moment, she sighed, and did not meet Steven's eyes. “That's a story for another time, Steven. Suffice it to say that I ended up in your father's employ because I was denied the thing I really wanted.”

“Oh,” Steven said, unsure what else to say.

“Yeah,” Miss Carolyn said. She looked up at Steven and smiled. “Things won't always go your way in life. I'm sure you've learned that by now.”

“No kidding,” Steven said. A hand on his shoulder drew his attention to Wallace, who flashed him a thumbs-up. Steven grinned, and gave Wallace a thumbs-up in return.

A young woman with her pink hair tied up in a bun, perhaps a few years older than Steven, approached the table, accompanied by a Chansey. “Excuse me, ma'am, but were you the one inquiring about a ride to Littleroot Town?” she asked, smoothing out her white apron.

“Yes, I am,” Miss Carolyn answered. “Have you found something for us?”

“I have,” the young woman said, smiling. “My name is Anne and I'm a nurse-in-training. My mother's the head nurse at this Pokémon Center, but she's currently holding a clinic in Littleroot Town. I'll be heading down there shortly myself, if you'd like to go with me.”

“If it's no trouble,” Miss Carolyn said.

“None at all,” Anne said.

“Excellent. We'd love to go with you,” Miss Carolyn said. “Thank you very much.”

Anne smiled again. “You're welcome. I'll just let you know before I leave.”

*****​

It was steamy in Slateport City. The rains hadn't reached the city, but the humidity had, and the act of merely stepping out the door was enough to make the citizens sweat. That was why these people were drawing such attention, and they seemed to revel in it.

Undeterred by the heat, a small gathering of men and women stood, at the intersection of two very busy streets, dressed in heavy hooded robes. “The word of the Sun God! Read it and learn the truth!” they cried. They forced papers into the hands of any passersby they could manage, most of which were quickly discarded. Most.



The journey so far (just to help keep things straight):

Spoiler

Steven Stone
15 years
0/8 badges
Beldum/Beldum (genderless)
Baltoy/Baltoy* (genderless)

Wallace
14 years
Alexander/Magikarp (male)
Victoria/Feebas (female)
Edward/Marill (male)
Philip/Lotad (male)

Miss Carolyn
32 years
Chan/Medicham (female)

 

[Jersey Jimmy]

Oh god, and just when I thought Team Millennium couldn't get any worse... THEY'VE BECOME STREET PREACHERS!

On a serious note, this was a nice, relaxing chapter. Personally, I can't wait for Winona to become more involved.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Shame you couldn't update sooner - it took a moment for me to really get back into this, but c'est la vie

Technical Accuracy/Style
Pretty rigorous. On principle I don't mind Wallace naming his pokémon so fast, but it does mean that subsequently referring to them by name is hard to follow. You might want to make it clearer with a bit more description which one is which for a while. It's clunky, I know, but I don't really see a way around it.

Story
I don't mind these fairly short chapters. I think it works in the plot's favour when you're looking to slow down a bit - something I think I could probably try with some of my own chapters. Anyway, it seems like you're planing the seeds of later developments here, with the nicknaming thing and Miss Carolyn's snippets of backstory.

Setting
Yeah, I'm a sucker for setting. I thought Oldale Pokémon Centre reflecting Oldale Town rather than being more or less standardised was a rather nice touch.

Characters
Little bit of backstory for the supporting character does no harm - the proof will really be in what you do with it, I think. I mean, you'll still have to address Steven's character itself at some point. Anyway, I'm still kind of prepared to wait a while longer to see what you do with him.

Final Thoughts
Snappy little chapter, it does what it needs to. I suppose the issue from a reviewing point of view is that it's best looked at in regards to how it sets up the following chapters

 

[Lugion]

A/N: Let's play Spot the Minor Retcon! If you're the first to name it, you win... absolutely nothing!

Spoiler

Chapter Eight: Mangrove Research Laboratory​

The road to Littleroot Town, to Steven's chagrin, was a poorly-maintained, largely gravel path that stretched a few miles through the woods. The jeep careened down the road, hitting every bump at speed. Steven thought he might fall out the back if they hit one large enough. In the seat next to him, Wallace clutched his hat down over his head. Baltoy and Beldum huddled on the floor between Steven's feet.

“So your mother is the head nurse?” Miss Carolyn shouted over the wind.

“Yes. Her name's Belinda,” Anne said. “She puts on this clinic every other week for the people in Littleroot Town. They don't have their own Pokémon Center.”

“I take it the place hasn't grown much,” Miss Carolyn said.

Anne shook her head. “There's really not much there. The Mangrove labs have achieved some recognition of late, but they only employ a handful of researchers and technicians. Ever since the loop out to the beach was built, nobody passes through. The old shrine brings a few tourists to the area, but that's about it.”

“Shame,” Miss Carolyn said, frowning.

Steven sighed with relief as the jeep began to slow. Up ahead, the trees on either side of the road thinned, and the odd house popped up, each with an old car or two parked in their driveways. And then there Littleroot Town was. Steven furrowed his brow and pursed his lips, wholly unimpressed. It was, at best, a smattering of little buildings along the two-lane main road. They passed a gas station that looked like the old service stations in some of his father's favorite movies, and a general store that occupied the first floor of an otherwise unoccupied three-story building. There were a handful of other buildings and houses extending out a few blocks east and west of the main road, but past those was nothing but grass leading right up to the tree line.

They turned right, and traveled two more blocks westward, and stopped in front of a modest single-story building with white stucco siding. A small, rectangular sign in front of the building read, “Mangrove Pokémon Research Laboratories”. The jeep slipped into a vacant parking space between a rusty pickup truck and a minivan. Steven hopped out the back, and helped Baltoy up off the floor and out of the jeep. Beldum hovered over his shoulder.

The others stepped out and Anne led them up to the glass double-doors at the front of the building. A line of hedges ran down the front of the building to either side of the entrance, and Steven noticed that the evenly-spaced windows above them were crusted with salt.

Inside the air was cool and dry, however. The receptionist at the desk gave them a warm smile. “Good afternoon, Anne!” she said. Her graying hair was done up in a bun and her white lab coat was immaculate. “Did you bring some new patients to see your mother?”

“Oh, no, Mrs. Mangrove,” Anne said. “They were looking for a ride down here.”

“Mrs. Mangrove, it's been a long time,” Miss Carolyn said, stepping forward and offering her hand.

Mrs. Mangrove took it hesitantly, adjusting her glasses and peering at Miss Carolyn. Then she smiled, and pulled Miss Carolyn in for a hug. “Carolyn Woods,” she said. “It really has been a long time! Too long!”

“It's so good to see you,” Miss Carolyn said as they separated. “This is Steven, my charge, and his friend, Wallace.” She gestured toward each of them in turn.

Mrs. Mangrove shook both of their hands in turn. “It's a pleasure to meet you, Steven, and you, Wallace. Welcome to Mangrove Labs.”

“Is the professor busy?” Miss Carolyn asked. “I'd like to see him if I can.”

“Oh, no, he's with Nurse Belinda right down the hall,” Mrs. Mangrove said, pointing. “The big room, third door on the right.”

“Thanks!” Miss Carolyn said, ushering Steven and Wallace down the hall, followed by Anne.

The room they entered was the last one down that hall. The ceilings were about ten feet high, Steven decided, which made the big room feel bigger than it really was. Along one wall was a line of blue-upholstered chairs, most of which were occupied by people and Pokémon lying in their laps or at their feet. Two children sitting on the floor rolled a ball back and forth, and a Zigzagoon darted after it with each change of direction, much to the children's amusement.

On the other side of the room, behind a curtain that partially hid them from view, Nurse Belinda knelt in front of a Nuzleaf and its trainer, a boy not much younger than Steven. Next to her stood an old man wearing a lab coat and holding a clipboard, who Steven took to be Professor Mangrove. A brown-haired boy also wearing a lab coat stood next to the professor. He couldn't have been more than a few years older than Steven.

“Hmm,” Nurse Belinda said. “Professor, this Nuzleaf is showing similar signs as well.”

The professor scribbled some notes on his clipboard. “It appears this virus infects multiple species of Pokémon,” he said. “Interesting.”

“But what about Kernel?” the Nuzleaf's trainer said.

Nurse Belinda gave him a reassuring smile and ruffled his hair. “Don't worry too much. Kernel appears to be infected with a virus. We don't know a lot about it, but nobody has reported any negative symptoms since this little outbreak started. Just make sure you take extra good care of her, and call Professor Mangrove if anything bad develops before I return, okay?”

The boy nodded.

“Okay, go along, now,” Nurse Belinda said, ushering the boy out from behind the curtain.

“Oh, Anne,” she said, smiling at her daughter. “How are things at the Pokémon Center?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary, Mother,” Anne said.

“Hello, Professor,” Miss Carolyn said, waving at the old man.

“Well, I'll be. Carolyn, it's good to see you,” the professor said, shaking Miss Carolyn's hand. “How've you been?”

“I've been doing well. What about you?” Miss Carolyn asked.

Professor Mangrove's smile drooped into a serious expression. “I've been fine, but there have been some odd goings-on lately. This past month and a half, we've had Pokémon here and there popping up with this mysterious illness. We've been able to identify it as a virus from blood samples, but that's all we really know,” he said. He handed his clipboard to his assistant. “I've had my team working around the clock to find more, but we're not epidemiologists. It's hard going, and few in the scientific community are taking my claims seriously.”

Miss Carolyn frowned. “I see. That's disconcerting,” she said.

“It really is, but I take it that's not the reason you're here,” Professor Mangrove said.

“You'd be right about that,” Miss Carolyn said. “Professor, this is Steven.”

“Ah, yes, the Stone boy,” the professor said, giving Steven's hand a firm shake. “I had been wondering if I was ever going to get to meet you. Miss Carolyn tells me you've had a rough time at home.”

Steven frowned. “It's nothing, really,” he said. “Beldum and I just needed a change of scenery.”

Professor Mangrove raised an eyebrow. “Right, yes, well.” He turned to Wallace. “And you look like you're fresh out of Sootopolis City, m'boy.”

“Yes, sir,” Wallace said, bowing cordially. “I'm Wallace, the number-one apprentice of Master Juan of the Sootopolis Gym!”

“So you are,” the professor said, chuckling. “Well, if the three of you would follow me, let's leave these two young ladies to their work. David, you come too.”

“Yes, sir,” the assistant said.

Professor Mangrove led the four of them out of the room, past the receptionist's desk and his wife, and down the opposite hall. He opened a thick oaken door into a darkened room and stepped inside. Steven followed after Miss Carolyn, and ahead of Wallace and Professor Mangrove's assistant David.

The first thing Steven noticed was the blankets draped over the windows, and how little light entered the room but from a handful of computer monitors, which Steven could not look directly at in the darkness.

The next thing Steven noticed was another Beldum in the room. His own Beldum drifted over to it, and they both chimed with delight.

“You have a Beldum here?” Steven said.

Professor Mangrove nodded. “We do. We've been studying Beldum's fairly rare method of evolution lately, but this is the only one we've been able to meet.”

Steven took a few steps toward the two Beldum, which were now circling one another. “What's so special about how they evolve?”

“Marge, would you like to report your findings?” the Professor asked.

A woman in a lab coat cleared her throat and stepped away from one of the computer monitors. “Of course, Professor.” She cleared her throat again, and let her gaze meander around the room. Steven figured she was blinded by the sudden shift to darkness.

“For centuries, we've known of Pokémon that only evolve when more than one come together. Perhaps the most well-known example is Diglett, which only seem to group together into trios after they reach a certain point in their life cycle. Sylph Laboratories in Saffron City have discovered that Dugtrio are physically unable to be separated once their component Diglett have merged. Furthermore, Dugtrio become more powerful than the three of their component Diglett would imply. Few Pokémon exhibit this style of evolution, but by far the most advanced users are the members of the Metagross evolution family,” Marge said.

Steven looked at the two Beldum, and they both looked back at him. His own Beldum had a rounder face, whereas the other was more angular, and the reds of their eyes were ever so slightly different. He couldn't help but imagine those eyes as part of one Metang, with a sharp silver nose in-between.

“There are even some reports of personality meshing between component Beldum, and between component Metang, when they merge. The individuals, we hypothesize, cease to be, and the hybrid is born in their place,” Marge continued. “Of course, we've been unable to prove this in the laboratory for obvious reasons, so that's all hearsay.”

Steven grimaced, and felt a pit forming in his stomach. “You're telling me that Beldum basically die when they evolve?”

“No, Steven,” Miss Carolyn said, putting a hand on his shoulder. She squeezed. “They don't die. They just become one. They change, they sacrifice a little bit of themselves, in order to become stronger. I know your mother probably never taught you that.”

“No,” Steven said, casting his gaze down at the floor.

Miss Carolyn patted his shoulder. “Pokémon like Beldum aren't the only ones, either. All people from all walks of life have to change and make sacrifices too, in order to grow. Even your parents had to make sacrifices to get to where they are now.”

Steven looked up at her. “Did you have to give something up?”

Miss Carolyn gave him a sad smile. “Yes, Steven. I did.”

“What about you, Wallace?” Steven asked.

Wallace rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah, Stevie. I'm only half a country away from my home. I haven't seen my mother or sister in months. Sometimes I have to forego bathing for a day or two until I make it to the next town with a Pokémon Center. I shudder to think about all the clothing I've torn.”

Steven sighed, and let his gaze drop to the floor again. He swallowed, trying not to throw up. “I've already given up so much. I left home and can't go back. I don't know how long it'll be before I can walk through the hedge maze again, or eat one of Jacques's home-cooked meals, or play chess with Basil. And who knows how many episodes of Hoenn Rangers I'll miss.” Tears burned Steven's eyes. “I can't give up Beldum, too!”

Miss Carolyn pulled Steven into a hug. “You won't be. Remember what I said about Pokémon training being a team effort?”

“Yeah,” Steven squeaked, his voice cracking over the tender lump in his throat.

“Beldum has to do his part too. He knows that.”

Steven sniffed and tried to blink away his tears. “Okay, I get it. But that doesn't make it easy.”

“I know,” Miss Carolyn said. “You've had a lot to take in today. We'll go back to the Pokémon Center in Oldale Town after we finish up here and rest for the evening. But for now, we'll leave you with Beldum for a little bit.”

Everyone else left the room. Steven grabbed a chair, flicked the light switch on, and sat. His tears slowly dried as he spent the next while watching the two Beldum play. His Beldum floated up and over the other, which floated up and over his, and so on until they'd crossed the room. At that point, they both whirled around in midair and started over.

“Did you really know about all that?” Steven asked.

His own Beldum gave a low chime and drifted over to him. He nuzzled his head against Steven's shoulder. Steven smiled. “I know, buddy, I know.”

They sat there in silence for a while, with the only noise coming from the air conditioner. The other Beldum watched as Steven's Beldum hovered at Steven's right hand. Steven scratched his Beldum on the bottom of his round head, where Steven liked to imagine his chin would be.

Then Steven jumped as Baltoy hopped up onto Steven's knee suddenly.

“Oh, Baltoy, I forgot you were there,” he said.

But Baltoy paid Steven's words no heed. He began to hum, his voice going from high-pitched to low-pitched and back again, over and over. He shivered and tapped one of Steven's arms gently but urgently.

Steven cocked his head to one side. “What's wrong?”

Both Beldum, first the lab's, then Steven's, began to give a low ring that reverberated through the room. Then, outside the door, Steven heard three sharp, loud pops that left his ears ringing.

*****​

The Commissioner of the Hoenn Region Pokémon League had strode in through the glass double-doors of the Fortree City Gym with furious purpose. All activity had halted the moment she entered the building, and it hadn't stopped until she had disappeared into the back corridors.

As Winona finished recounting the details of her excursion to the Petalburg Woods, she understood why. With her tight bun, her glasses, her disapproving frown, the pencil whispering against her clipboard, and the two security men in black suits flanking her, she was easily the most intimidating person Winona had ever met. Even with her father in the room, Winona's speech was slow and her voice was quiet.

Commissioner Walker sat cross-legged in Jett's chair, scribbling notes on a sheet of paper Winona didn't want to see.

“And you said this woman called herself...?” the Commissioner said.

“Isis, ma'am,” Winona said.

“And she said her goal is to bring about salvation?”

Winona nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”

“But she didn't elaborate any further?”

“No, ma'am.”

Commissioner Walker paused, and put her clipboard down in her lap. “That's concerning. In the capital, there have been men and women dressed similarly to what you describe, passing out flyers about a 'sun god'.” She looked at Jett, sitting in the chair next to Winona.

“Jett, if you come across any of these people in Fortree, make sure you take one of these flyers. I'll see if I can get my hands on one too,” Commissioner Walker said.

“Of course, ma'am,” Jett said.

The intercom on Jett's desk buzzed. “Pardon me for the interruption,” Lacy said, “but I have an urgent call from HQ.”

“Thank you, Lacy,” Commissioner Walker said. She picked up the phone. “This had better be good.”

Winona could hear a vague male voice coming from the receiver. “You what? From who?” Commissioner Walker said. She furrowed her brow. “This- no, forget about the Elite Four! Neil should already be in the area. Get him on the emergency line and get him over there. Now would be great, yes. Bye.” She hung up and took a deep breath.

“Well, young lady, it looks like we're about to see more of your little cult.”

The Journey So Far:

Spoiler

Steven Stone
15 years
0/8 badges
Beldum/Beldum (genderless)
Baltoy/Baltoy* (genderless)

Wallace
14 years
Alexander/Magikarp (male)
Victoria/Feebas (female)
Edward/Marill (male)
Philip/Lotad (male)

Miss Carolyn
32 years
Chan/Medicham (female)

 

[Flaze]

Well this is certainly a surprise and here I thought I could stop worrying about reading for the day but here you go.

It was an interesting chapter, I actually had forgotten that Beldum's evolution is like Diglet's and Magnemite in that it seems like multiple Beldum come together to evolve. I liked how you decided to explore it and I'm sure it'll be something for Steven to concern about in later chapters and he kind of did in this one too. Though I do think his reaction may have been a little too much? I mean I can understand where he's coming from considering his journey so far but I think it escalated a little quickly .

There wasn't much description in this chapter in regards to the town, I mean I assume we're not going to be there too long but it does make it hard to like imagine where eactly they are, I mostly just defaulted to any old hospital or lab I've seen in real life or TV xD

It seems we'll have to deal with Team Infinity again, hope we get to see it soon

 

[Jersey Jimmy]

Hey, look, an update! Nice chapter as always. The way you described Littleroot kinda made it seem like your standard dying Rust Belt town, which I guess fits since I've always imagined eastern Hoenn as the "tropical Midwest." It was also nice to see Steven so concerned about losing Beldum when it evolves; I think it humanizes Beldum a bit, which is really helpful for a Pokemon that's essentially a robot arm. And lastly, the cliffhanger at the end only makes me want more Winona. I hope she becomes a larger part of the story soon!

 

[Lugion]

Thanks, you guys! You haven't had to wait too long.

Spoiler

Chapter Nine: The Usurper of the Dead​

The very next thing Steven noticed was the power going out. All at once, the lights and the computer monitors went dark. He sat Baltoy gently down on the tiled floor and then suddenly jumped to his feet, knocking his chair backward. Followed closely by Baltoy and both Beldum, Steven burst out the door into the darkened and empty hallway. The immaculate white interior of the building was grayed in the gloom. Every step Steven took seemed to echo in the emptiness.

He reached the receptionist's desk and stopped. Mrs. Mangrove had disappeared. Steven glanced out the front doors, and noticed the parking lot had mostly emptied, but a topless black jeep was parked haphazardly almost immediately in front of the doors. Long, black skid marks led straight to the jeep's tires.

Voices drifted down the hall from the clinic room. A man whose sharp voice Steven didn't recognize was speaking, but his words were too muffled for Steven to understand. He flashed a look at the three Pokémon behind him, and crept down toward the room.

The door was left cracked a hair, and Steven peered inside. It was darker in the room than in the hall, but Steven could make out the shape of a tall man wearing an oddly-shaped hat. The shadows of three other people in similarly weird clothing loomed above the vague shapes of people on the ground.

On impulse, Steven threw the door open and Beldum, on cue, rocketed at the tall man. The other Beldum followed suit a split-second after, but they both merely passed through the man and nearly collided with each other.

Then the man disappeared and a laugh rang out through the room. “Steven, run!” Miss Carolyn shouted, but before Steven could react, the man reappeared in front of him, and Steven immediately recognized the crown atop his head as the same worn by Isis in the Petalburg Woods. The dim light flooding in from the open door allowed Steven a better look at him: a long black cloak about his shoulders, blond hair poking out from beneath his crown, brown eyes gazing down through him, and the long, thin nose that reminded Steven of a snout, but most of all Steven saw the gun glinting in his hand.

“That was ill done, boy,” the man said. “I do not like uninvited guests. But come in, we have room for you still.”

Steven stepped into the room, never taking his eyes off the gun. The man held it up between them. “I'd rather not use this, but if you force me to, boy, you won't live to regret it. Do as I say and you will be unhurt.” Steven realized that at the man's side was a Pokémon he'd never seen before. It was tall and black and slender, with wicked red claws and fierce blue eyes and a wild mane of red and black hair.

Steven nodded. His heart was pounding, and he could feel his pulse in his temples.

“Sir, should we restrain him?” one of the standing shadows said.

The man shook his head. “Open the closet door.”

One of the subordinates complied, and a deeper darkness yawned within the room. “Inside, boy. And take your Pokémon with you,” the man said, waving his gun toward the open closet.

Steven stepped inside the room, accidentally kicking some loose Poké Balls across the floor, and called the three Pokémon over to him. With Baltoy and both Beldum in tow, Steven stepped deliberately toward the open jaws in the darkness. As soon as he stepped through the doorway, the door slammed shut, knocking the three Pokémon forward into Steven's back. Steven stumbled to the floor as the doorknob clicked. He didn't even both to try it.

His Beldum bumped against his shoulder. “It'll be okay,” Steven whispered. “The police will be here any moment.” Baltoy wrapped his arms around Steven's leg.

“Now,” Steven heard the man say, “Professor Mangrove, I'd hate to harm anyone here. My organization's reputation is sterling thus far, and it would be a shame to stain it with blood in such a little town like this.”

Steven grimaced. The man's words oozed with contempt, but he was sure Mrs. Mangrove was still alive, bound on the floor with the others. With Wallace, and Miss Carolyn, and Anne and her mother, and the Professor and David and whatever other unlucky patients still remained when the man and his goons had invaded the lab complex.

“We of Team Millennium,” the man went on, “are here to save wretches like you, who are too blind to save yourselves. Give me what I desire, and I will leave you be.”

The room outside fell silent. When it was clear the man wasn't continuing, Professor Mangrove asked, “What do you want from me?”

“Ahh, I'm so glad you asked,” the man said. “Two things. The leader of Team Millennium has heard of this new Pokémon virus you've been dealing with these past few weeks. It is my job to procure whatever information about it I can.”

“Well, you've come in vain on that count,” the Professor said. “We know almost nothing about this virus. We've taken some samples, of course, but-”

“Oh, good,” the man interrupted. “Bring me these samples.”

“All of them? You can't possibly-”

“All of them,” the man snapped. “Ra commands it.”

“Very well,” the Professor said after a moment of hesitation, “but you're out of luck if you intend to weaponize it. This virus has had no ill effects on any Pokémon affected in six weeks.”

“If the virus is as Ra says, and everything is always as Ra says, we will find a way to use it. You should be proud, Professor. Your work will serve as the foundation of a new order,” the man from Team Millennium replied.

Steven sat down cross-legged on the closet floor. “Okay,” he whispered, “I don't know what these people are planning, but whatever it is, it can't be good.” The three Pokémon made the barest noises in agreement. In the pitch darkness, it was the simplest thing to imagine seeing the three there.

It was also simple to recall what he'd seen of the room outside. A handful of Poké Balls had been scattered on the floor near the door. No doubt they belonged to Miss Carolyn, Wallace, and the others. “Okay, Baltoy, if you really want to help here, I need you to find Chan's Poké Ball and get it to Miss Carolyn,” he whispered. He turned to look at his own Beldum, and imagined that the other was next to him. “I'll need the two of you to break the door and distract the man while Baltoy does that. Get the gun out of his hand first. Better yet, break his hand.”

Outside, glass clinked. “Very good,” the man said. “Now, for the second part of my errand here. Tell me, Professor: have you heard the legend of the Millennium Comet?”

A silence fell so deep that Steven could hear his own heartbeat. There was a shuffling of feet in the room, and then a cough. The Professor cleared his throat.

“A children's tale,” he said finally.

The man sighed. “Professor, I took you for a man of learning. Surely such a subject as history is of interest to you?”

“History, yes. But the Millennium Comet? We deal in fact here,” the Professor spat.

The man tsked. “How very unprofessional. Your taunts and provocations will get you nowhere, sir. Now, I'm going to ask you once more. Tell me... everything... you know about the Millennium Comet.” His voice deepened into a growl. “Where is it? How do I find it?”

“You cannot find it because it does not exist,” the Professor insisted.

The man said simply, “Zoroark.” The man's Pokémon growled, and there was the padding of footsteps. Seconds later, Mrs. Mangrove shrieked.

Before Steven realized what he was doing, he beat on the closet door with his fists. “Don't you dare hurt anybody! Coward!” Steven screamed. “Let me out of here, and I'll show you a real comet!” He tried the doorknob. Locked, as he suspected.

A gunshot cracked like thunder, and a hole splintered in the door above Steven's head. “What mere boy dares call Set a coward? Were you not the one who willingly let himself be locked away in a closet?” the man yelled. The other goons laughed

Steven's face flushed, mostly with anger. His jaw clenched. “And were you not the one this mere boy got the drop on right before that?”

Another gunshot, another hole splintered in the closet door above Steven's head.

“Silence, boy! Another word and it'll be your head!” Set screamed.

Steven fell silent, but he could feel rage boiling in his stomach.

“Now, Professor, this is your last chance. I must know where and how the Millennium Comet can be found. I need to know what day it will come alive again,” Set said.

“You think I'd place such power into the hands of a madman? Never. You'll have to shoot me,” the Professor said.

“How very brave. But, perhaps the life of your beloved wife is worth more to you...”

“You wouldn't dare,” the Professor said.

“Zoroark, why don't we remove Mrs. Mangrove's Achilles tendon to start off?” Set said.

In the blink of an eye, both Beldum simultaneously hit the closet door just below the doorknob, shattering the door and busting it open. In a flash, they lunged at Set, who ducked beneath them as they passed.

Steven didn't even have to say anything. Both Beldum turned and rocketed at Set's Zoroark, which stood over the dark shape of Mrs. Mangrove. The lab's Beldum clipped Zoroark's shoulder, knocking it away from Mrs. Mangrove, who dragged herself away toward the wall.

Baltoy spun rapidly around the closet doorway and toward the Poké Balls scattered on the floor.

Set shook his head. “Such heroic nonsense.” Steven ducked back into the closet behind the doorway just as another shot rang out.

There was a flash of red light, and a Mightyena snarled. A woman's voice called, “Mightyena, stop that Baltoy!”

Steven peered around the doorway. Set was turned, directing his Zoroark after the two Beldum. One of the Millennium goons and her Mightyena stood above Baltoy.

Steven ducked back under cover and closed his eyes. He could feel his Beldum on the other side of the room. He even felt when Beldum rammed into that Mightyena headfirst from behind, eliciting a shrill squeal of pain.

Steven risked another glance into the room. Set's Zoroark was now standing in Mightyena's place above the Poké Balls. It swiped at Baltoy and both Beldum as they darted in and out of its reach. The lab's Beldum whirled around behind Zoroark and lowered its head for a Take Down, but Zoroark ducked and slashed at it with its two claws. The Beldum let out an off-pitch clanging. Steven's Beldum swooped in immediately after, but Zoroark swiped the attack aside.

Baltoy hopped up and slapped Zoroark in the face, and Zoroark howled and swatted Baltoy away, but it did not move away from the Poké Balls.

The two Beldum swooped in again for another attack. Baltoy spun rapidly around the distracted Set and leaped off the floor, slapping Set's gun hand several times. The man shouted in shock and dropped the gun, and as Baltoy landed it slapped the gun too, sending it skidding under a desk against the wall.

Now that his eyes were adjusting, Steven could make out the shape of Miss Carolyn, and his eyes widened when he saw the Team Millennium goon kneeling behind her.

Without thinking, Steven raced across the room and slammed his shoulder right into the goon's side. The goon gasped and they both collapsed to the floor.

“Damn it, Steven, I told you to run,” Miss Carolyn hissed once Steven removed the gauze they'd gagged her with.

“I've got a plan,” Steven said. Then a well-aimed kick took him in the shoulder. Sprawled out on the floor, he pulled himself up on his other elbow and looked up into the face of Set. Set glared down at him with a face contorted into a sinister frown.

“You defy the gods, boy?” he said through clenched teeth.

“No, just you.”

“I'm going to hurt you for that,” he said, cracking his knuckles. Then there was a great and sudden clangor and Set grunted as Steven's Beldum took him full in the chest. Set staggered backwards clutching his chest and screamed in rage. “Zoroark!”

A blob of shadow hit Steven's Beldum in the face. Beldum let out an ear-splitting screech as he tumbled backwards and clattered to the floor next to Steven.

Miss Carolyn sprang to her feet, grabbing Set by the arm and tossing him over her back and onto the floor in front of herself. “Pick on someone your own size, you bastard!” she said.

Steven sat up, dazed. He couldn't move his left arm. There was just a dull pain. His Beldum drifted slowly up to him, and he absently scratched it on the back of the head with his right hand.

He looked over and saw Baltoy slapping at the unyielding Zoroark's legs and wondered for a moment where the lab's Beldum had gone. Then he saw it coming down to him from near the ceiling. It looked at his own Beldum with its slightly lighter red eye and clanged twice. Steven's Beldum clanged twice in reply.

Then his Beldum looked him in the face and nuzzled against his cheek. It clanged hollowly and shut its eye. “Beldum... No, you don't have to-” But Beldum cut him off with a chime.

Steven nodded. He wasn't ready, but he never really would be, so he nodded anyway.

The two Beldum synchronized, swirling around a central point in the air. A low glow began to emanate from both metal hides, and it grew brighter and brighter, and as it grew Baltoy and Zoroark both stopped fighting to watch. The glow grew so bright Steven shielded his eyes from it with his good arm. He felt Beldum change.

The glow subsided, and when Steven lowered his arm, the two Beldum had disappeared. In their place was the slightly mismatched eyes and sharp silver nose of a Metang.

Metang let out a loud clanging. Steven reached out gently, and scratched Metang just above the eye that had been his Beldum's. Metang chimed and closed his eyes and floated closer to Steven.

Zoroark snarled, drawing their attention. It held Baltoy against the floor with its foot, and held one hand high above its head. Before it could slash downward, Metang crashed against it, taking it in the abdomen and slamming it against the wall.

“Damn!” Set shouted, but it was too late. Baltoy pushed himself back up and whirled around, slapping a single Poké Ball into the air. Miss Carolyn caught it easily.

“All right, Chan, come on out,” she said. Her Medicham appeared right in front of her, already in a fighting stance. Set backed away from it, nearly slipping on an errant sheet of paper.

“Attack, all of you!” he cried. Each of the Millennium goons released their own Pokémon to fight; a black-furred and snarling Mightyena, a Dustox with green wings dripping poisonous powder, and a slender, black-scaled, red-fanged Seviper all appeared in front of their respective trainers.

“Are you ready for your next lesson, Steven?” Miss Carolyn asked.

“Yes, ma'am,” Steven said.

The journey so far:

Spoiler

Steven Stone
15 years
0/8 badges
Metang/Metang (genderless)
Baltoy/Baltoy* (genderless)

Wallace
14 years
Alexander/Magikarp (male)
Victoria/Feebas (female)
Edward/Marill (male)
Philip/Lotad (male)

Miss Carolyn
32 years
Chan/Medicham (female)

 

[Beth Pavell]

I actually only have a spotty memory of the whithertos and whyfores so far, so here goes:

Technical Accuracy/Style
The action here wasn't bad. I think maybe during the middle the details got chaotic but the style didn't, so it didn't mesh quite as well as it could have. I'd be more helpful but action has never been my strong suit. I will say that I would avoid the use of "goons" and similar synonyms. Call me picky, but it just makes them seem so non-threatening when they're referred to with cartoonish monikers like that

Story
The return of Team Millennium eh. I had a feeling the Millennium Comet might have something to do with it. I almost wish the Professor had kept to his "children's tale" story, or really didn't think it was a true story. It would have added a different kind of twist on the "interrogate the professor" scene. Something vaguely bugs me about Set and his gun. I can't help but feel that when Steven triggers the breakout he really doesn't make much use of it, which again kind of deflates it as a threat

Setting
Not really a lot to say here - not much in there, but then not much needed either

Characters
I can't say I'm really overwhelmed by the villains. Maybe it's because they're played very straight as far as journeyfic villains are concerned. Perhaps it's because so far we've only been able to see them as one-dimensional costume wearers, I don't know

 

[Jersey Jimmy]

Well, that was quick. First off, Team Millennium really comes off as a serious threat here, considering how they literally hold everybody hostage. The battle was well-written - it felt no-holds-barred, which is something that this kind of situation really calls for. And y'know, to be honest, I really did think somebody was gonna get wasted for a second there. Overall, a good chapter, though there is one question that I have to ask (again): when does Winona become a factor?

 

[Lugion]

when does Winona become a factor?

Now that would be telling. Real talk, I'm still working on getting the timelines to mesh for that.

Thanks for your thoughts, guys. Pav, I think you're right about one thing in particular there... Good thing someone set a precedent for revision-after-posting.

And since you both seem to be interested in Team Millennium being a real threat... I can promise they get worse. Or better. Or what have you.

 

[kintsugi]

Post-Awards Review! Do note that this didn't include any chapters posted after December 25th or whatever.

THE PLOT THINGS

It ain't bad, and things are starting to look up, but it's very calm and mundane right now with promises of shit eventually hitting the fan. The side characters are neat, and Steven is in a mildly more unique position than usual, but it's basically just cut-and-dry journeyfic with a protagonist named Steven. Who will, eventually, fight evil and become the Champion, but that hasn't happened yet. At this point, the fact that Steven is Champion-Steven feels mostly like a mild plot point at this point.

One of the important things, I feel, in "this is how a character started" stories is that you really need to focus on the characters, so readers can frequently be like "OH SO THIS IS HOW _____ GOT SET UP" in this glorious ka-pow moment. In this case, your job is a lot harder since most of the things we know about Steven can be summed up as "the dude likes rocks," but I could honestly believe at this point that this is an OT fic about a guy named Steven.

That being said, with that lens, this is a pretty entertaining OT fic, lol. You do sidestep a couple of typical conventions and its refreshing to see the whole "my character is super calculating" actually being demonstrated in battle instead of just being talked about.

SETTING THINGS

Eyyy, Hoenn. For a region that's a massive amount of water, you do a nice job of describing the land as well. It's pretty cookie cutter cities and trees and things, but it's there.

I actually enjoyed a lot of the redone Gym Leaders. There's no real answer for why Wionna does her crazy shit and that's totally okay, but the worldbuilding is solid and it's a nice take on Hoenn--sticking true to the roots without rehashing the same old thing.

THERE ARE CHARACTERS

Definitely a stronger part. Steven is referred to as being harshly analytical, and that definitely shows in his battle style. The side characters are lively and colorful, and they get a decent amount of time in the spotlight. One thing that's a bit unfortunate is that they're mostly just archetypes (Stock Thinky Protagonist, Flamboyant Wallace, Tomboy Wionna), but that's basically a given with so little material.

Wallace was nominated for Best Supporting. My thoughts on him are basically summed up in that he's a nice support for the chapters he's in, but given that your main character barely has any depth or development (which isn't a crime for how few chapters there are), Wallace certainly doesn't. He's mostly the flamboyant archetype and I honestly think the 'FEEBAS/MAGIKARP USE UR ALMIGHTY SPLASH TECHNIQUE' was wearing thin the first time it was said, but that's just me.

STYLE AND TECHNICAL
Nothing special, but it definitely works. The battles are pretty nice, too.

Seems legit.

For where it is in its development, this is some solid stuff. However, the characters haven't shown much sign of developing deeper, and a lot of the interesting stuff is just surface-level interests. As it stands, it's mostly just a journey fic that happens to be talking about a guy with a Beldum who will eventually do dope shit, but hasn't quite done it yet.

ONE-SENTENCE THOUGHTS

An entertaining and growing journeyfic that promises to delve deeper soon enough, and also happens to maybe be about the possibly future Steven Stone.

 

[Lugion]

I always love when you post, Ely! You've addressed some of my own concerns about the story and I think you may just have helped me get a leg up on the problems I've been having.

 

[AceTrainer14]

For an expansion fic, there is a lot going on from the get-go and the story isn’t just confined to Steven. The subplot around Isis/Team Millenium and Winona makes for an interesting addition and shows clear signs that, despite being in the early stages, the story is going to grow and grow. Though not part of contention, I do like the most recent chapters for adding some action and hinting at bringing the two plots together moreso. You seem to have developed a nicely laid out villainous team with the matching names and that, so I look forward to seeing them. Some chapters are a little short and there are a lot of weird inclusions that don’t ever seem to go anywhere, like the lengthy explanation about berries.

In terms of the story, it is a nice twist on the usual journey fic tropes. I liked the inclusion of older travellers, which I haven't seen as much in other stories on this site. Having a different reason for leaving was nice, and the pursuing teacher turned ally was a nice element. I would have liked to have seen more at the mansion before he ran away, and I think doing so could help give him more character and more reason to leave.

You are great at describing everything, and the region really does come alive through your writing. At times, it does feel like it goes on a bit too much (again, the berries), but it does show a lot of thought and makes for some nice world building. You have a nice style that makes the stories very readable, but it is a bit simplistic in places. I think with the fight scene in the last chapter, it would have been served better with some more description and less dialogue. I personally prefer lengthier paragraphs, so that could just be me.

With expansion fics, characterisation needs to be a strong point since the point of the story is meant to develop and expand on characters we think we know. While I like the fact Steven’s running away and his back story, he is a bit of a blank slate at the moment and I don’t automatically like or dislike him; it’s more like I am just following him along. The supporting characters are given enough to make them unique but not enough to make them really interesting, though the concept of traveling with your teacher is a nice touch. I gave particular focus to Wallace given he was nominated. He makes for a nice bit of colour and adds more fun to the story, with hints of a deeper backstory. He could definitely grow into a great character in the future, but like all of them, it is too early to tell just yet. I would be interested to see a division between the two at some point, since Wallace does end up taking Steven’s title in the game: for an expansion fic, that would be fun to see. I was surprised you chose them as companions (I've always viewed Steven as being older, again, personal choice) but it seems to be working.

Overall I did enjoy this story, and I am interested to see where it goes. I will say that, had the competition being tougher this season, I am not sure if this would have won. I think the earliness of it made me more generous in scoring/reviewing, but I think for future seasons, and as the story progresses further, we would need to see much more development and growth in both the plot, the characters and the writing. I hope you keep writing and I can’t wait to see where things go.

 

[Lugion]

First of all, I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses! I'm so incredibly excited that Stainless Steel won the Best Expansion award this cycle. Once upon a time, the original was a real contender for several cycles running and I hope to improve even more on it in the coming months.

Now, without further ado, I present the next chapter.

Chapter Ten: The Modern Prometheus​

“Can you keep them off of me, Steven?”

Steven stood side-by-side with Miss Carolyn, soaking in sights of the makeshift battlefield. Directly to the left, a Mightyena bared its fangs and growled, crouching low and readying itself to pounce. To the front, a Dustox flitted about back and forth in the air, glaring at them with a multitude of amber eyes. To the right, a Seviper coiled, hissing through blood-red fangs. Baltoy wobbled at Steven's left foot, Metang hovered at his right shoulder, and Miss Carolyn's Medicham stood firm to Metang's right.

Somewhere behind and to their right were the bound hostages.

“Yes,” Steven said, nodding.

“Good,” she said, then: “Chan, evasive maneuvers! Get around them and get after Zoroark!”

At the same time, Steven yelled, “Baltoy, use Rapid Spin on that Mightyena! Metang, take out Seviper!”

In the blink of an eye, all three Pokémon leaped into action.

Baltoy whirled around between Mightyena's feet, slapping at legs and snapping jaws. Mightyena howled and batted Baltoy away with a well-placed kick. Baltoy picked himself up off the floor and shook his head, then he tensed and a warm light pulsed over his clay carapace, causing it to harden. Baltoy dove into battle again, hopping into the air and landing on Mightyena's back and assailing it with a flurry of blows.

Metang drove headfirst into Seviper's face, eliciting a sharp hiss as it hit the floor. Seviper stretched its jaws wide open, fangs dripping with a deep purple ooze, and struck. Metang didn't move, and Seviper's fangs slipped right off.

“Now, Metang, grab Seviper and toss it at Mightyena!” Steven said.

Metang clanked and grabbed Seviper with its sharp silver little finger-claws and spun. Steven had to step back away from Seviper as it was hurled around and around, and noticed Miss Carolyn and Chan were trading blows with Set and Zoroark across the room.

Metang released Seviper, and Baltoy hopped from Mightyena's back just as the flailing serpent crashed into it. Dustox swooped in from above, tackling Baltoy at the height of his jump, but Metang was almost instantly after Dustox. Metang's claws gave off a silvery glow as he swiped at the evasive bug-type.

Baltoy wobbled over and tapped Steven on the ankle, and pointed at Metang. Steven frowned and raised an eyebrow. “You... want me to...” Baltoy hopped twice, helpfully. “Oh, that's brilliant,” Steven said, grinning. He squat down, lacing his fingers together in front of him. Baltoy was heavier than Steven remembered, probably twenty pounds, but once he had a firm grip, he rose. Twice he spun, then slung Baltoy as hard as he could toward Metang.

Baltoy landed nimbly atop Metang's flat head. Just as Dustox swooped in for another attack, Baltoy opened his eyes wide, lighting up the room in a phosphorescent violet glow. Dustox screeched and thrashed about in the air.

Mightyena roared and leaped, ripping Baltoy off of Metang's head with a snap of its jaws. Baltoy cried out, slapping and slapping at Mightyena's snout. Metang reared back and socked Mightyena right in the chin, forcing it to release its vice-grip on Baltoy. Baltoy skidded a few feet across the floor.

Mightyena yelped as Metang slugged it right across the snout, knocking a tooth free.

A hissing to Steven's right alerted him to Seviper, rearing up to strike... at him. Steven dove forward and landed hard on his hands and knees, and Seviper crashed into a plastic chair behind him instead, upending it and severing one of its legs.

Steven crawled over to Baltoy and pulled the prone Pokémon beneath him. He looked up, and his gaze met with Miss Carolyn's. Her eyes were fierce and focused, and for a second Steven thought she wasn't Miss Carolyn at all. But then she blinked and her face slackened, and seconds later she was at Steven's side, picking him up off the floor.

Steven glanced over in time to see Chan kick Seviper so hard it hit the ceiling, dislodging a ceiling tile and spilling yellowish dust onto the floor below. Seviper disappeared in a flash of red light.

Chan glared at Dustox with glowing violet eyes. It dropped to the floor, unmoving, and was recalled into its Poké Ball too. Mightyena was recalled by its trainer as well.

Then Steven saw Set stand up next to a desk by the wall. The gun was in his hand.

“Now,” he said, his voice cracking, “we're running a bit of a tight schedule, so,” he pointed the gun at Nurse Belinda, “if anyone moves, I'm afraid the nurse here will meet with a sad fate.” With the muzzle of the gun against the back of Nurse Belinda's head, Set knelt and undid her restraints. With his free hand, he produced five plastic petrie dishes from a pocket hidden in one of the folds of his cloak and handed them to her.

He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up onto her feet, still pressing the gun against her head, and led the rest of his team out of the room.

As soon as the door shut behind them, Miss Carolyn ducked behind Wallace and undid his restraints, and the two of them set to work freeing the other hostages.

“You can't let him take my mom!” Anne cried.

“Don't worry,” Miss Carolyn said, kneeling behind her and untying her. “We'll stop them. Everyone, grab your Poké Balls and let's go!”

Mrs. Mangrove's leg was bleeding where Zoroark had stabbed her, so she and some of the lab technicians stayed behind, but as Miss Carolyn led the rest of them out of the room, Steven heard the rhythmic thumping of a helicopter coming in low overhead. He pressed Baltoy against his chest, feeling the tiny Pokémon's rapid heartbeat.

Outside, the jeep was already gone, but the large cargo helicopter wheeled low over the town, black against the deepening indigo of the eastern sky. The thumping of its twin rotors slowed. “There!” Anne shouted, pointing at it. She hopped in the jeep and started it up. Miss Carolyn, Wallace, and Steven hopped in as well.

“The shrine!” David cried.

“Professor!” a man dressed in a long-sleeved plaid shirt and denim overalls shouted. “I saw them weirdos pull up to the door! I called the police for ya!”

“Thank you, George,” Professor Mangrove replied, slipping into the driver's seat of an old red topless hot rod. David hopped in the passenger's seat.

Then Anne was off like a bullet. As soon as they were back on the main street, they spotted the Millennium jeep a good distance to the south. Anne gunned the engine, swerving around cars and trucks left and right. Service stations, crumbling storefronts, and empty old buildings flew past. Steven clutched Baltoy to his chest, Metang clutched a seat belt, and Wallace clutched his hat to his head.

Set's jeep made a hard left. Anne was not far behind. Steven could see the helicopter hovering over a field directly ahead, circling above another helicopter whose blades were just beginning to start up.

The shrine was in the field just off the road where pavement turned to gravel. Twin sets of red wooden beams sloped upward to form the roof, decked with dark blue tiles. The door consisted of glass panes set into wooden frames, which gleamed in the light of the setting sun. All the wood was age-worn and weathered. Old moss-covered stone steps led up the slight incline toward the tiny building. Ancient oak trees grew up in a tight square around the back and sides of the shrine.

The Millennium jeep screeched to a halt next to the shrine as the landed helicopter's cargo bay door lowered. Set climbed out the passenger side, and stretched theatrically. His Zoroark appeared beside him. Anne brought her jeep to a stop and climbed out, summoning a great round pink thing with cloudy tufts of cottony white fur around its white waist and hanging like wings from its almost non-existent shoulders. Steven didn't recognize it for a moment, but realized he'd seen it in books on Pokémon from the northern regions: Blissey. Miss Carolyn climbed out as well, letting Chan out of his Poké Ball as well.

Wallace hopped out the back of the jeep and helped Steven out as well. The feeling in Steven's arm was coming back as a pulsing, throbbing pain.

The helicopter above lowered its cargo ramp. Bracing herself against the wind and the motion of the chopper, Steven recognized Isis. She glared down at Set.

Set smirked up at Isis, motioned for his own jeep to climb the cargo ramp of the landed chopper, and then turned his attention back to the four gathered in front of him. “I'm going to eliminate all four of you for your interference. Especially you, boy with the Metang,” he said, sneering. “It may go against Ra's teachings, but I'm going to enjoy killing you.”

At that moment a great screech split the air, and an enormous red, white, and blue bird dove out of the sky. A man in a white cape dropped from the bird's back and landed nimbly on the ground before recalling the bird into its Poké Ball.

He glanced back at Steven and the others. The shadow of a beard framed his square jawline, and wisps of curly brown hair dangled over his forehead and ears. Then he looked back at Set.

“Oh, it's you people.”

He sounds... bored... Steven thought.

“Who are you, that interrupts the vengeance of Set?!” Set screamed.

The newcomer visibly rolled his eyes. “Do you not see the cape, stupid?” he said, holding the cape up with one arm. Set's eyes widened, but whether from anger, or perhaps, Steven thought, fear... Steven did not know.

Lightning-fast, a Poké Ball shot out from the newcomer's belt. Lightning-fast, a huge brown blur with horns materialized and slammed headfirst into Set's Zoroark. Zoroark sailed backward through the air, and crumpled against the ground where it landed. The newcomer's Tauros bellowed in victory.

Set turned and ran. Up the landed helicopter's cargo ramp he went, recalling his Zoroark as he did so.

Set reached into the open door of the jeep and dragged Nurse Belinda out of it by her hair and pulled her to her feet. The helicopter lifted up off the ground, but before the cargo ramp shut, he pulled a cylindrical black device out of a pocket and pressed a red button on its top with his thumb.

A shockwave of hot air enveloped Steven as the shrine blossomed into flame. Glass shattered and scattered about the cobblestone path, wood crackled and splintered and burned, and stones collapsed and shattered on the ground.

“Mom! Mom!” Anne screamed over the noise of the helicopter and the explosion. The blades quickened, the whining of the engines growing to a roar once again. The ramp lifted and shut. Anne sprinted toward the helicopter as it lifted off, but the man in the cape grabbed her and held her back.

“You can't stop them now!” he said. She struggled against his grip, but he pulled her into a tight embrace. “Hey, now, listen to me.”

Anne looked at him through tearful eyes and sniffled. “You-”

“Yeah, it's me. Your name is Anne, right? Listen, Anne, we're gonna do everything we can to get your mother back, but you can't help her right now, okay? Anything you do will only make it worse.”

Anne nodded. “Okay.”

Professor Mangrove, David, and two other trainers pulled up next to Anne's jeep in Professor Mangrove's hot rod. “The shrine!” David said, running up to the remnants of the building.

Wallace released his Marill, Edward, and his Lotad, Philip, from their Poké Balls, and the two let out spouts of water from their mouths, quenching the fires. David joined in, releasing a light blue Pokémon with bright orange appendages on its face, a gray fin atop its head, and a gray tail split into two halves. Steven recognized it as a Marshtomp. Smoke billowed from the ruined shrine as the flames sputtered and died.

“By the Dragon,” the man in the cape said, stepping into the wreckage. “Why in the hell would they blow up the shrine?”

Steven, Wallace, and Miss Carolyn approached the ruins of the shrine as well. Wallace fanned smoke away from his nose with his hand. The head of a great stone dragon laid on the floor, staring at Steven with unblinking eyes.

“It's a good thing you've come, Champion,” the Professor said, hurrying over as fast as his age would allow. “I've heard tell of these people before. Their leader was asking about the Millennium Comet, can you believe that?”

Wait, Champion? Steven thought.

“Interesting,” the man in the cape said. His accent reminded Steven of television programs he'd seen about life in the countryside outside of Mauville. It was a slight drawl. “Miz Walker says they've been passing out these pamphlets on the streets of Slateport. Some sort of religious kooks, I'd imagine. Look at this,” he pointed at the remains of the stone dragon, “the Rayquaza statue's all tore up.”

“They've no respect for history or culture,” the Professor said.

“Professor, I have to agree with the Champion on this. Some of their members were seen breaking into the Rustboro Museum, but nothing was stolen or destroyed,” Miss Carolyn said.

“Thank you, ma'am,” the Champion said. “I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage, Miss...?”

“Oh, you can call me Carolyn,” Miss Carolyn said, grinning widely.

“It's a pleasure, Carolyn,” the Champion said, smiling sincerely. He looked past Miss Carolyn's shoulder and smiled at Wallace. “I remember you from Sootopolis. Wallace, right?”

“The one and only!” Wallace said, bowing so low his hat fell off his head. Wallace snatched it out of the rubble and swiped dust off of it with his fingers.

Then the Champion looked at Steven and cocked his head. “I'm Neil,” he said, offering his hand. As Steven reached to shake it, Neil added, “You are the spittin' image of Selene Stone.”

Steven froze. His mouth opened, no words came out, and it shut again.

“I've met your father too,” Neil said. “The Devon Company was one of my sponsors.”

“Ah,” Steven finally managed. “I, uh... Yeah, I'm Steven.”

“Well, it's nice to meet you, Steven,” Neil said. “I see you have a Metang.”

Steven glanced back at Metang, hovering in the air a few feet behind him. “Yeah, he's been-” Wait, Steven thought, is he? His heart dropped at that thought. Beldum had been his, sure, but only half of Metang was Beldum... the other half was the lab's Beldum.

“Professor Mangrove, I-” Steven started.

“Our Beldum knew exactly what it was getting into,” the Professor said. “Metang is yours. Provided, of course, you agree to note the effects of the merger and report them to us. I suspect we'll learn more from a Metang in the field than a Beldum in the lab.”

Steven's body relaxed and he sighed with relief. Metang bumped against Steven's shoulder and Steven rubbed it under the chin. “Thank you so much, Professor,” he said. The Professor nodded.

Neil adjusted his khakis and shifted his weight, sneakers crunching on the gravel. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope it's not too forward of me to suggest we retire for the evening. Miz Walker will be expecting a full report on the situation, and I'll have to contact the Board too. I think that's best done from the Pokémon Center. Professor, if you'd be so kind...”

“I'll talk with the police,” Professor Mangrove said.

“Much obliged, Professor,” Neil said. “Give my regards to your wife.” He nodded at David. “Mr. Birch.” He picked a Poké Ball from his belt.

“Anne, why don't we give the Champion a ride back? I'm sure his Braviary is tired,” Miss Carolyn said.

Anne shrugged. “All right,” she said, returning her Blissey to its Poké Ball.

“Why thank you, Miz Carolyn,” Neil said.

*****​

Night fell cool and crisp as they made their way back to Oldale Town. Steven gazed out the side of the jeep as the wind whipped his hair around. The stars were so bright and clear tonight. Rustboro's night sky was drab by comparison. Steven recalled reading about light pollution in a book, but now, seeing the difference... It was almost as if he were in a different world.

He traced shapes between them. He recognized the long line of Draco, the Dragonair. Ursa Major and Minor, the Ursaring and Teddiursa, twinkled in close proximity to each other.

Wallace's head plopped onto Steven's shoulder. Steven glanced at the other boy, grimaced, and looked around his sleeping form at Anne. Steven's heart fell when he noticed the vacant expression on her face as she stared out the side of the jeep at nothing.

Miss Carolyn silently at the empty road, having offered to drive given Anne's emotional state. The Champion snored in the passenger's seat.

Steven's mind wandered to old text books he'd studied under Miss Carolyn's watchful eye. Histories and chronicles of jealous gods and vengeful monsters practically recited themselves in his thoughts. He smiled, remembering his favorites, and tapped Metang's Poké Ball, clipped snugly to his belt.

“Miss Carolyn,” he said over the wind, “I've thought of a name for Metang.”

“What's that, Steven?” she asked.

“Prometheus.”



The journey so far:

Spoiler

Steven Stone
15 years
0/8 badges
Prometheus/Metang (genderless)
Baltoy/Baltoy* (genderless)

Wallace
14 years
Alexander/Magikarp (male)
Victoria/Feebas (female)
Edward/Marill (male)
Philip/Lotad (male)

Miss Carolyn
32 years
Chan/Medicham (female)

 

[Beth Pavell]

Technical Accuracy/Style
The battles aren't quite there yet. Part of the problem is the multi-pokémon pile up. I can tell that you've gone for something a bit clearer, which is a help. I would strongly suggest studying written action in prose to see if you can't pick up some tools to help bring up the pulse of your own narrative

Story
So it's not quite an "all's well that ends well" sort of encounter. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this fight as a whole. The gun was a mistake, I think. Like in chapter nine, Set tends to wave it around when the narrative needs him to, then it doesn't see any use in favour of a pokémon battle. I can't help but suspect that you found you'd written yourself into a corner insofar as Steven can battle pokémon just fine but has no answer to a bullet. You run into a similar problem when the fight moves to the shrine - granted, Steven and co aren't exactly law enforcement so maybe I'm just being picky, but they don't really do anything to try and prevent Set's escape. The helicopter looks like it's allowed to take off - could the Champion not have stormed the ramp?

Setting
I liked the addition of a shrine. There aren't enough places of worship in pokémon fanfic

Characters
Again, not quite sure how I feel about Team Millennium. At the moment I think they're the weakest element of the story so far. Perhaps it's the absurd grandiosity of Set's dialogue that does it. It's kind of hard to take a villain seriously when he talks like he's playing Dungeons and Dragons

Final Thoughts
I suppose what this all boils down to is a conflict between the fight you present and the fight you write, so to speak. Maybe it will help to think of your characters as players playing an RPG à la, well, Dungeons and Dragons, etc etc. As I know all too well as an ex-GM, if there's a fight to be had, player characters will use everything they have to win it, unless something forces them not to

 

[Lugion]

Thanks, Pavs. Honestly, I had a hell of a time with the Littleroot arc due to the changes I've made from the original version... such as giving Steven a reason to go there in the first place... >_>

Glad you liked the shrine. One thing I really loved about ORAS was the introduction of the Draconid people as a sort of Rayquaza-centered culture... I find that very interesting in comparison to "Oh, this green dude makes the red dude and the blue dude stop fighting..." So I'm kinda co-opting all that here lol.

 

[Flaze]

Well, I'm glad that Steven's Beldum evolved, I still like the way you went about explaining how its line evolves in this, it makes for some emotional baggage that I hope gets more exploration later on.

Other than that I do have to agree with what Pavell said in that the more serious and action-y moments tend to um...drag a bit. Like the battle this time wasn't bad but because there were so many Pokemon and so many things going on at the same time it felt like there was just a lot of shuffling and got hard to keep track of things. The helicopter chase scene was also a bit dull, like it felt like it was this big action scene but we were just taken through the motions by the description.

I think one of the problems in regards to your description is that a lot of the time it's mostly telling what's going on, but not just that. It's also the fact that you put a lot of focus on the things the characters do, like every little detail, to the point that it causes the story to lose focus of what's going on. Action scenes shouldn't have a lot of description to it but them, at least not in one paragraph, they should be quick and follow through. Maybe you can fix it by splitting them more up but I'll also recommend rereading what you wrote multiple times to make sure the scene doesn't feel bog down.

I'll ignore the thing with the gun Pavell mentioned if only cause you can justify it by saying he had run out of bullets or something. Other than that Set seems like the typical villain for this type of thing. He feels like just another game villain and while we do need a villain, it also isn't good that his personality is essentially like all the others we're used to just edgier because the fic is edgier.

Neil is...interesting, I'll wait till we see him again to really judge since this was just a quick look at him, though it was really sudden for the champion to just appear like that at the last minute if you ask me.

Overall the chapters aren't bad but they need extra polish, the end of the last chapter was really good and I liked the scene with Steven in the closet in the previous one, it shows his tactical side more which is good. You just have to work harder on your serious scenes.