TEEN: Stainless Steel; or, Steven Stone's Adventures in Hoenn

[Jersey Jimmy]

lol fuck Millennium

Seriously, though, these guys are serious, and I'm interested in seeing just how serious they get. The battle was alright, though I did find myself getting lost a bit. Since most of the important battles in My Way are probably gonna turn out to be double battles, I'll have to find a way to not fall into that. Otherwise, the shrine being blown up showed that Millennium ain't just another goofy evil team, and that's an important thing for fanfics that aren't meant to be for kids. And if I had to make a blind guess... Neil is Winona's father.

 

[Lugion]

Neil is Winona's father.

Jett is Winona's father. Well, sorta. She's adopted.

No, I didn't just decide that the other day. >_>

 

[Jersey Jimmy]

Jett is Winona's father. Well, sorta. She's adopted.

No, I didn't just decide that the other day. >_>

Oh. Right. I totally knew that. oh and it'd be sweet if you could review My Way too also as well

 

[kintsugi]

Hiyo. Dropping a review on the chapters that you've posted since I did my Awards review.

“Ah, yes, the Stone boy,” the professor said, giving Steven's hand a firm shake. “I had been wondering if I was ever going to get to meet you. Miss Carolyn tells me you've had a rough time at home.”

Steven frowned. “It's nothing, really,” he said. “Beldum and I just needed a change of scenery.”

Perhaps I was reading this wrong, but I was under the impression that Steven's running away from home was far more... secretive, I guess. Like. If Steven's meeting up with all these famou people who know where he is and who he is, why doesn't his father just track him down and drag him back?

I couldn't find the exact quote, but it was pretty neat when you had Steven being able to notice tiny differences between the two Beldum. It makes the world feel a lot more interesting and it also shows how well he knows his own Beldum, yay.

“I've already given up so much. I left home and can't go back. I don't know how long it'll be before I can walk through the hedge maze again, or eat one of Jacques's home-cooked meals, or play chess with Basil. And who knows how many episodes of Hoenn Rangers I'll miss.”

This was a welcome bit of children actually acting their age, but it also felt really forced and out of nowhere. This kid has faced faceless organizations, gotten hit by a chick in a tree, lost a bunch of battles, strategized his way around everything, run away from home, and in a few chapters he'll play the brave hero and run face-first toward a man with a gun... and yet here he's crying over not playing chess or missing an episode of television? This feels like it's trying to be important, but you've never really brought it up before and it immediately gets forgotten and Steven goes back to acting like an older guy in a small-person's body, so it doesn't really work.

“Beldum has to do his part too. He knows that.”

Aaaaand this bit was actually really creepy, in my opinion, and makes me question Pokemon training in this universe. Miss Carolyn is literally pitching the idea that Beldum has to erase his consciousness as Beldum's part. That's his role that needs to be played, and it kind of suggests that, despite all the gung-ho bits about friendship, Beldum is still Steven's property. When Beldum evolves, Steven isn't really concerned about if Metang still acts like the Beldum he knew. His first concern is about if he/himself is ready for this (not Beldum), and then later on, it's not even that. It's more if he has permission to keep Metang and continue using him to battle because half of Metang isn't Beldum -- but it's not the fact that Beldum is gone forever, it feels more like the focus is on if Metang still belongs to him. I'm probably reading this wrong and this isn't what you were trying to convey at all, but that's how it came across to me.

People have mostly pointed out that Set's behavior in the next chapter, especially with the "how do I use gun" bits, so I'll let that be said more eloquently by Pav. However, my real question was more with why he went through the effort of taking everyone else's Pokeballs and separating them from the people + tying up relevant threats like Miss Carolyn, but he just throws Steven into a closet -- with not one but two sentient, super-intelligent, 210-pound functional ballistic weapons to boot. Sure, I can buy that the guy thinks he's a god, but his arrogance here has inconsistencies.

Gonna jump on the bandwagon and say that the battle was a little too rushed/cluttered to follow cleanly.

The Champion being a kid who treats everything like a joke was a nice touch. It's a solid twist from the typical portrayal of Champions as tryhards or sources of infinite knowledge, and it feels realistic, somehow. Although yeah, not seeing why he had to let Set go -- Neil had all the cards in his favor, and somehow Set still escaped pretty easily, idk.

Overall, the more recent chapters are solid at advancing the plot, but something seems missing. Millenium feels like watching a cartoon that the adults are letting do things because they're cute. Not quite a legitimate threat yet. Beldum's evolution has kind of been brushed to the side in the light of this threat, but it'd be nice to see some development from that end in the future.

 

[Lugion]

Perhaps I was reading this wrong, but I was under the impression that Steven's running away from home was far more... secretive, I guess. Like. If Steven's meeting up with all these famou people who know where he is and who he is, why doesn't his father just track him down and drag him back?

Just wanted to clear this up: you did read this wrong lol. Professor Mangrove knows about Steven through Miss Carolyn (who brought Steven along to meet him). Neil recognizes Steven because he met his mother, Selene in {SPOILERS} on his journey. And the sponsorship thing with Devon Co.

 

[Almonds]

It's been a while since I've read your story. I really appreciate the party list of teams - it helps keeping track.

I like how you mentioned the way Beldum evolves, though what's going to happen to the 'mind' of the Beldum from the lab? Is it going to add more 'options' to how Metang makes decisions? If so, then maybe that's how Metagross has the brains of a super computer because it can process thoughts using the brains of four... a scary thought, but I'm glad you added the dex details. I wonder what's going to happen when Metang eventually becomes Metagross.

Also, mentioning Hoenn Rangers was a nice touch. In ORAS, they were supposedly popular long ago, so it wouldn't be odd if they had been on television back when Steven was younger XD

 

[Lugion]

With this chapter, we come to the end of the first phase of the story. Don't forget to let me know what you liked and didn't like! And, as always, let me know if you want to be tagged in future chapters!

@Kyriaki

Chapter Eleven: Dreams and Dust​

Voices echoed vaguely down the dark hallway. Dust danced in what slivers of pale silver moonlight penetrated the thick blue curtains over a large bay window on the left. Steven took a tentative step, feeling out the ground before him, making sure he wasn't stumbling into a trap. When he was satisfied, he repeated the process with his other foot. Plush red carpeting, faded to gray in the dimness, whispered underfoot.

“Who are you, child?” it seemed to ask. “Where is your home?”

Steven shuddered, either too scared to answer... or not having one.

He came to the window and reached out and felt the curtains. Wisps of gossamer trailed over his fingers. He cocked his head to one side. Odd... they look more like nylon. Simultaneously course and silky, material and ethereal.

He pulled one of the curtains aside. Moonlight danced on the surface of the ocean outside the window, playing on easy ripples. The stars twinkled like Volbeat in the crystalline sky... but Steven could not recognize any of the constellations there.

“... almost in my head now,” a low voice Steven didn't recognize said. Another voice he thought he did recognize, a woman's, whispered, “Focus, my... must know...”

He stared further down the hallway, spying a door that he hadn't noticed before. Golden light spilled from the crack beneath it. He dropped the curtain and headed toward it.

“Your Benevolence, please,” said a clear third voice that sent chills down Steven's spine, “reconsider. Allow me to prove my loyalty.”

“Your loyalty is not in question,” a fourth voice said. Steven froze, rooted to the spot. “What is in question is your capacity for handling your assignments.”

“But, your Benevolence,” the third voice protested, “I acquired-”

“Indeed. We have the samples,” the fourth said. “You will not be dem-”

“He hears!” the first voice shouted, breaking Steven's trance.

His heart leaped to a running start. Something urged him on toward the door, pushing him as hard as he could go. His legs churned like pistons, his lungs throbbed and burned. The floor moved backward under him, but the hallway twisted and stretched outward before him. The whole thing writhed and contorted around him like the death throes of a headless Seviper. The floor dropped out from beneath Steven and he fell and hit hard when it snapped back into place.

Groaning, Steven climbed back to his feet. The window was on the right now. He looked behind him, and found only darkness waiting there. Ahead, a door, moonlight glinting off its knob.

He pushed through it, and warm golden light surrounded him. The smell of fresh-cooked bread tickled his nostrils. He took a step forward, and his shoes squeaked on the black-and-white checkered tile floor of the Stone mansion's kitchen.

The oaken dining table was right where he remembered it, with all four chairs. He could almost see himself sitting there with his mother and father on a night his father wasn't entertaining guests. Jacques's meals were always tastiest on those nights.

But it was not Jacques at the counter. A woman stood there, dressed in the robes and double-crown of Team Millennium's leaders.

“Who are you? What are you doing in here?” Steven demanded, puffing out his chest and balling his fists. “My father will-”

“Your father cannot protect you, Steven. Neither can Miss Carolyn,” the woman said.

She turned around, and Steven gaped at the pale face, silver-white hair, and deep amethyst eyes of his own mother. She began to laugh in such a way she never laughed, part cackle and part guffaw. Steven screamed, and-

-bolted upright in his bunk, hitting his head on one of the top bunk's slats.

“Oww,” he groaned quietly, rubbing the sore spot on the top of his head.

Beld- no, Met- no, Prometheus, rather, jingled softly, rising up from his spot next to the bed Steven had claimed. His two slightly-mismatched red eyes gave off a dull glow as they stared at Steven. He prodded Steven's shoulder gently with his lower arm. The salve drawn up by one of the nurses had left the shoulder feeling a bit warm, like a sunburn, but otherwise it had done its work. Steven reached over and scratched his Metang under the chin.

Steven climbed out of bed, ducking under Wallace's hand, which hung off the side of the bunk above Steven's own. He shivered, and realized he was drenched in a cold sweat. The chill of it played up and down his spine and he shook himself to loosen its grip on him. He grabbed his backpack and stumbled into the bathroom in the darkness, shut the door as quietly as he could manage behind himself, and flicked the lights on.

He blinked in the sudden bright light, and looked into the mirror once his eyes adjusted. His face was rather pale despite the hours he'd been spending in the sun, aside from the dark half-circles under his eyes. He watched as his face contorted into a wide yawn, and stepped into a warm shower.

A few minutes later, he tiptoed through the hostel room, careful not to wake anyone. Prometheus joined him, with Baltoy riding atop his head, arms crossed and pouty-faced. Downstairs, the lights had been turned low. A nurse with dark blue hair chatted on the phone, waving politely when she spotted him. Steven forced a smile in return, and walked slowly out the open door into the tea garden.

Wind chimes tinked quietly in the crisp, light breeze. Steven took a deep breath and sat on a concrete stool. His feet throbbed even now, and they felt like they might split in half if Steven walked much further. He sighed, and his sigh became a yawn.

The moon danced on the surface of the Magikarp pond. Beneath, the Magikarp shone golden in the silver light. The yellow flashes of dancing Volbeat and Illumise weaved and circled in regular patterns amongst the trees and the sky. A choir of some bug-type Pokémon Steven wasn't familiar with sang on in the grass and the shrubs.

Prometheus jangled. “Come again?” Steven asked. Prometheus answered with a clank.

“No,” Steven said. “I can't sleep anyway. Besides, it's kinda nice out here.”

Baltoy hopped down onto the table from Prometheus's head. He groaned, and laid down on his back.

“That can't be very comfortable, Baltoy,” Steven said, patting his lap.

Baltoy grunted, and refused to move.

Steven shrugged. “Well, okay.”

It was indeed rather nice, Steven decided. Though the Pokémon Center, and by extension, the tea garden, remained open through the night, the late—or maybe early—hour meant he was alone, aside from the Pokémon.

Or, at least, he thought he was until a girl appeared from the shadows of the garden trail, crunching on gravel with each step. She smiled and nodded at Steven when she noticed him, and he nodded back.

She was nearly a shadow herself, with her long, black hair flowing down her back, her black blouse, and her black skirt. Her makeup kept Steven from making a guess at her age. The dark purple imp following at her heels flashed Steven a toothy grin. It seemed to fade in and out of view amid the shadows, until they came close enough that Steven realized that it was indeed disappearing and reappearing in the darkness.

“What a beautiful night for a walk,” the girl said, offering her hand. “I'm Estelle. Pleased to meet you.”

Steven shook her hand. “I'm Steven; the pleasure's all mine.”

“What brings you out so late, Steven?” Estelle asked, taking a seat across from him.

Steven shrugged. “Just couldn't sleep. Needed some fresh air, I guess.”

“That's understandable,” Estelle said. “I've always found the night so...” she took a deep breath, “refreshing.”

The imp emerged from Estelle's own shadow on the table, startling Baltoy so badly he leaped into Steven's arms. Estelle giggled. “Sable, that's no way to treat our new friends,” she said. Sable grunted and began to cackle.

“What sort of Pokémon is he? I'm not familiar with it,” Steven said.

“She is a Sableye. You don't see them around so much because people find their appearance unsettling,” Estelle said. “Sable just wants to play, though.” Sable gazed up at Steven with her diamond eyes. The emerald heart in her chest pulsed with a dull green light.

Prometheus hovered up and over the table, hanging at an odd angle and gazing at Sable. He whirred, and Sable cooed in response.

“So where are you from, Steven?” Estelle asked. She seemed to stare right through him with her wide eyes. Steven wasn't sure if they were really quite as big as they appeared, or if it was just her eyeliner.

“I'm from Rustboro City,” Steven said, crossing his arms.

“Oh, I just came from Rustboro City!” Estelle said, grinning. She swung her backpack—also black—off her back and into her lap and rummaged through one of the pockets. After a moment, she produced a black metal case and opened it up. Inside, pinned to the purple velvet within, were three shiny fiberglass gym badges: the first in the shape of a light blue boxing glove with an orange thumb, the second two gray circles connected by a thin gray line, and the third a yellow and brown rectangle with two arrows imposed over opposite corners.

Had Steven been drinking a cup of tea at that moment, he was sure he would have spit it all out reflexively. His windpipe froze up, and he had to take a deep breath before he could say, “That's, uh, that's an impressive collection of badges.”

Estelle's smile grew so big her eyes practically shut. “Thanks!” she said, folding the case shut again and replacing it in her bag. “I'm originally from Dewford Town. The gym leader there specializes in fighting-types, but those kinds of Pokémon never really appealed to me.”

“Oh yeah,” Steven said, nodding, “I get you.”

“Thanks,” Estelle said. “Not many people back home do. But since I've left...” She breathed deep in the crisp breeze and let it out slowly, smiling. “It's so refreshing to meet so many different kinds of people. Back home, everyone follows the same trends, but here on the mainland there are so many people just doing whatever they love.”

“It is pretty nice having so much freedom,” Steven agreed. He glanced down at Sable, who stared up at him with those diamond eyes, and quickly diverted his gaze back to Estelle. “So, how did you end up with Sable?”

“There are actually a colony of Sableye living on the island outside of town,” Estelle said. “I found Sable quite literally being used as a punching bag by some trainers from the gym. I took her to the Pokémon Center, and we've been best friends ever since.

“After that, I taught her the Shadow Sneak technique she likes so much. You can't punch a shadow, after all. You can't imagine how golden the looks on the trainers' faces were when Sable and I beat them one after the other!” She threw her head back and laughed, and Sable cackled along with her. Steven couldn't help but chuckle himself.

“What about you, Steven?” Estelle asked, once she caught her breath. “Just taking a little vacation?”

Steven sighed and gazed up at the stars twinkling in the sky. The moon was almost the size of his fist tonight, a great disc of glowing pockmarked ivory. He looked down at Prometheus, seeing the moon's reflection atop his smooth head. “Not exactly,” he said at last. “I'm taking the Pokémon League challenge.”

Estelle's hands quaked in excitement. “That makes us rivals!” she said. “Are you taking the ferry to Emerald Cove too? I bet you already have quite the collection of badges!”

Steven shook his head. “No and no,” he said. “I battled Peter the day after I set out, but it was just Prometheus and me. Well, really, it was just Beldum and me. Sorry, it's a weird thing-”

“No, no, I totally understand,” Estelle said. “Well, I don't understand exactly, but I getcha.”

Steven nodded. “Thanks. Anyway, it was just Beldum and me, and Peter just had too many Pokémon,” he went on. “I headed to Petalburg City after that, but on the way-” He stopped. Why was he telling her this part? “Well, Christine and I didn't even really have a battle. It was over so quickly...”

“Christine is a difficult woman,” Estelle agreed, nodding. “Luckily, I just so happen to have a Golbat and a Tentacool as well.” Her hands shook with excitement again. “I just can't wait to meet more Pokémon.”

Steven couldn't help but smile. “I know what you mean,” he said, remembering the egg in his backpack upstairs.

“What kind of Pokémon are there on the island?” Steven asked.

“You mean back home? There aren't a ton of different species, and most of what's available are water-types in the sea, and there are a ton of birds, but you can find Geodude, Abra, Machop, Makuhita, Zubat, Nosepass, Mawile, Sableye, and even Aron in the caves on the island,” she said, counting on her fingers. “Now that I think about it, there is some diversity.”

“Aron?” Steven repeated. He could already see the tiny steel-type Pokémon in his mind; its four stubby little legs on its round body and its big eyes on its oval head, all armored in iron. “I'm actually heading to Dewford Town next. I'll definitely have to find one!”

“In that case, I wish you the best of luck, dear,” Estelle said.

“Thank you,” Steven said.

“You're very welcome, Steven,” Estelle said, standing. “I must be getting on, now, though. The first ferry to Emerald Cove leaves at seven o'clock sharp, and I need to be getting ready.” She covered a yawn with a dainty hand. “It's been wonderful meeting you, and I hope our paths cross again.”

Steven nodded, shaking her hand again. “I feel the same. Good luck out there,” he said.

“Thank you, dear,” Estelle said. Sable disappeared in a flash of red light, and Estelle vanished into the Pokémon Center.

Baltoy hopped back onto the table. Steven sighed and leaned back on his stool to gaze up at the stars, lacing his fingers together behind his head. There's a Pokémon trainer, he thought. And what did that make him, exactly? In three whole days he'd accomplished approximately squat. But if she can do all that, so can I.

*****​

Unsurprisingly, it was not a particularly long time before someone came to check on him. Surprisingly, it was Wallace. The younger boy wore a white robe draped about his shoulders over his blue pajamas. His hat had been left behind; his disheveled teal hair shone in the lamplight spilling from within the Pokémon Center.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Steven said. “Bad dream.”

Wallace sat in the same seat Estelle had occupied. “Wanna talk about it?”

Steven took a deep breath, which turned into a yawn. “It was my mother.”

“Oh.” Wallace's gaze dropped to the table between them. “Is she...?”

“Oh, no,” Steven said, shaking his head. “I found her in the kitchen. At home. She was wearing the same clothes Isis wore in the woods.”

Wallace sat up straight, falling silent for a while and watching the water. Finally, he said, “It was just a dream.”

Steven nodded. “I know.” He shrugged. “I haven't seen my mother in almost five years. The whole thing was just... intensely wrong. And not just her clothes. Her... being there.” He could almost see her face again, glaring at him in the kitchen from under Isis's crown. He wanted to shudder.

Wallace reached across the table and put a hand on Steven's shoulder. “I completely understand.”

Something about the gesture rubbed Steven entirely the wrong way.

He shrugged Wallace off and gave him a skeptical look. “Do you? My mother left me with my father, who doesn't care about me at all!” Steven stood, and despite himself, everything came out all at once. “Five years. For five years, I've been nothing more than a... a trophy!” He balled his fists. Wallace gaped at him. “She left me behind to rot.” As many times as he'd thought it, Steven had never dared say it aloud, but saying it at last only fueled the fire. “Your family just let you go off to make something of yourself! I had to run away! What do you know about it?!”

Wallace glared at him. “My dad,” he said, narrowing his eyes and jabbing the air with his index finger, “died in a shipwreck when I was a little kid. My mom had to work two jobs to support me and my big sister. My sister even had to drop out of school to get a job.” He stood, coming eye-level with Steven. “When Master Juan announced he was taking on apprentices, I had to fight tooth and nail to prove I was worthy. I'm traveling on his coin so my mom doesn't have to work herself to death! But what do you know about struggle?”

He stormed off over the bridge and into the garden. The fire went out of Steven's anger then, leaving nothing but a hole in his chest. He realized he was sitting again, holding his head in his hands.

“And just what the hell was that, exactly?”

Miss Carolyn loomed above Steven. Her hair was down about her shoulders, but she'd dressed in a plain white t-shirt and khaki shorts. Her face was all iron.

Steven shrugged, finding himself unable to speak, and dropped his gaze to his lap. Miss Carolyn knelt down, grabbed Steven firmly by the chin and hoisted his head so he had no choice but to look at her.

“I'm not even going to get into this thing with your mother and father, but don't you dare take your anger with them out on anyone else,” she said, her voice low but sharp. “That is between you and them, understand?”

Steven wrenched free of her grip and looked away. “Sorry.”

Miss Carolyn stood, crossed her arms, and sighed. “I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, Steven.”

Steven took a deep breath, steeling himself, and let it out slowly. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to go back to bed, but nevertheless he stood, returning Prometheus to his Poké Ball. He turned to Miss Carolyn but found himself unable to look her in the eye. “You're right.” He turned to Baltoy, sprawled out on his back on the table again. “Stay here with Miss Carolyn.” Baltoy didn't respond.

Gravel crunched under Steven's shoes as the trail led him across the bridge over the stream and into the shadows of the garden. Lamps hung from poles scattered haphazardly about the path, casting dim red-orange light into the gray world. The sweet fragrances of many different flowers growing in the loam to either side of the path caressed Steven's nose, and the deeper he breathed, the calmer he felt. Soon he wondered why he had gotten angry in the first place, especially with Wallace of all people.

Steven found Wallace facing away from him beneath a lamp, sitting on the shore of a pond with his knees to his chest. His Magikarp, Alexander, circled in the water in front of him.

“Look, I-” Steven began, but he lost the words.

Wallace stood without turning to face Steven and hopped nimbly to a stepping stone in the pond, and then the next, and the next. Alexander followed dutifully.

Steven stepped to the edge of the water and gazed down at the black surface doubtfully. It was only a foot or two to the first stepping stone, but Steven couldn't tell how deep the water was. He grimaced at the nervous tightening in his chest. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and just as he lifted his foot off the ground to step out, Wallace whirled around on the opposite bank.

“Stop following me,” he said.

Steven shook his head. “Can't.”

Wallace sighed, rolled his eyes, and returned Alexander to his Poké Ball. “Very well. If you insist,” he said, retrieving another Poké Ball from his belt.

Edward, Wallace's Marill, appeared on the far stone. The tiny round Pokémon growled at him, baring its sharp front teeth.

Steven frowned. “Look, if I'm going to the Pokémon League, it means I have to beat everyone. I've beaten you once already, but I won't go easy on you.”

“I was about to say the same thing,” Wallace said, crossing his arms and turning his nose up.

Steven sighed, and released Prometheus from his Poké Ball. Prometheus turned and gazed at Steven with his mismatched eyes. Steven nodded. “Yes, I'm serious,” he told the Metang. “Let's start off with an Iron Head!”

Prometheus clanked and lowered his head and charged. Edward deftly spun around the attack and dropped into the water. That's surprising... Steven thought.

“Keep the element of surprise, Edward!” Wallace said.

Gray against the black water, however, the ball at the end of Edward's tail floated like a bobber on a fishing line. “Prometheus, grab Edward's tail!” Steven cried.

Prometheus darted down just above the water's surface. He struck like lightning, both arms snapping together to grasp... a bubble. Steven furrowed his brows and scanned over the surface of the pond. “Back, Prometheus,” he said. A horde of bubbles emerged on the pond's surface, and in the glare of the lamp, he couldn't tell if any of them were the real thing.

Prometheus rose up away from the water, searching.

A jet of water sprayed against his left side, knocking him sideways in the air. He immediately turned to face it, the glow of his eyes brightening in intensity. Bubbles scattered and popped as an invisible wave of telekinetic power slapped the surface of the water. Another Water Gun sprayed against Prometheus's backside, eliciting another Confusion attack, scattering and popping more bubbles.

With each bubble popped, however, two more took its place. Bubblebeam, Steven realized as the mound of bubbles grew.

“All right, Edward, finish it!” Wallace said.

Edward rocketed out of the surface of the pond on an Aqua Jet, spewing bubbles as he arced over Prometheus, enveloping them both in a mountain of bubbles.

“No, Prometheus, get away!” Steven cried, too late. The mountain of bubbles reverberated like a guitar string and popped as one. Prometheus hung lopsided in the air, soaked and dripping. He spun slowly, in a daze.

“Prometheus, try and use Metal Claw,” Steven encouraged after a moment.

Prometheus spun to face Steven, still hanging at an odd angle. He gave a low, unsteady chime. What's wrong? Why aren't you attacking? Steven wondered. The surface of the pond erupted beneath Prometheus as Edward launched himself into the air and slammed him full-force. Both Pokémon tumbled into the water.

The surface of the pond roiled and foamed over as the Pokémon thrashed and struggled beneath the surface. Steven's heart dropped into his stomach and he shielded his eyes as a bright white glow grew from under the water. Across the pond, Wallace smirked.

The thrashing stopped suddenly, and the pond began to settle. In place of the Marill that had gone under, an egg-shaped Pokémon with long, floppy ears and fine blue and white fur in patterns that resembled sea foam—an Azumarill—crawled out of the water and onto one of the stepping stones, dragging Prometheus along with it.

Edward the Azumarill bowed low toward his master, and then turned and repeated the gesture for Steven. Steven sighed and returned Prometheus to his Poké Ball once again. Not my best match...

“Better?” he asked as Edward hopped across the stones back to Wallace.

“Yeah,” Wallace said, returning Edward to his own Poké Ball.

Steven took a deep breath. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I had no idea about your dad. Or your mom or sister for that matter.”

“I don't really like to talk about it,” he said. “Elisa used to tell me stories about our dad whenever our mom was working in the evenings.” He sighed. “I just miss them a lot. My little niece, too. Lisia.”

Steven smiled. “I'm just glad you aren't angry.”

“Excuse me, but I never said as much,” Wallace said, skipping across the rocks back to Steven's side of the pond. “Boiling water requires time to cool. Likewise, I require time to cool off.”

“Oh,” Steven stammered, unsure how to respond. He wanted to raise an eyebrow or shake his head, but resisted the impulse.

“Let's return to the Pokémon Center,” Wallace said. “By the fading light of the stars, I do believe morning approaches.”

As Wallace moved past, Steven allowed himself an eyeroll.




The journey so far:

Spoiler

Steven Stone
15 years
0/8 badges
Prometheus/Metang (genderless)
Baltoy/Baltoy* (genderless)

Wallace
14 years
Alexander/Magikarp (male)
Victoria/Feebas (female)
Edward/Azumarill (male)
Philip/Lotad (male)

Miss Carolyn
32 years
Chan/Medicham (female)

*a/n Would you guys like me to add a bit of supplemental info? Probably to the end of each chapter, a la The Long Walk, but also possibly in entirely separate posts, a la The Scales of Astrea. With this chapter, the Hoenn region is starting to expand a bit, and as you've all seen with Oldale Town, this is not exactly Hoenn as you know it from the games.

 

[lucarioknight56]

Well...I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. I never paid this story any attention, so I'm sorry that it took The Review Game to get me to read it. But on to the main review.

I like how you use not-so-developed characters from the main games in making this, and it does help give some insight as to how Steven and Wallace may have lived in their youth. But, as stated before by other users, they do feel a bit bland to me. I can start to see the development of the two, but right now I can't help but think of them as generic. Don't get me wrong, they have plenty of promise, but for now, I will stick with my opinion.

The detail is to just the right point, but during the larger battle scenes, less detail works better so that the fast paced action actually stays at a fast pace. But aside from that, I feel Hoenn becoming more alive as I read.

The story is...nice. The pacing is decent, but I do think that Steven does need to maybe lose some less lopsided battles. I see you've begun work on that with the case of Breloom, and I think this issue will soon be resolved.

I enjoy reading this story, and I think I'm just reminding you of errors others have pointed out. I will keep up to date as more chapters are posted, and don't think I enjoy making negative criticism. So long.

 

[Jersey Jimmy]

Maybe it's just me finally recognizing, but I feel like your prose greatly improved in this chapter. In any case, Estelle seems like an interesting rival given her goth-like aura. I don't actually think I've ever seen that before in a fanfic, which is... kind of surprising. The battle was greatly improved, too; much easier to follow. My main complaint, though, is that you're having Pokemon evolve too early. I don't think it's realistic for Steven to have a Metang before even one gym badge. If I were you, I'd refrain from it evolving into Metagross until around the seventh gym. Still, that's really only a nitpick. Keep doing what you're doing!

 

[Lugion]

Maybe it's just me finally recognizing, but I feel like your prose greatly improved in this chapter. In any case, Estelle seems like an interesting rival given her goth-like aura. I don't actually think I've ever seen that before in a fanfic, which is... kind of surprising. The battle was greatly improved, too; much easier to follow. My main complaint, though, is that you're having Pokemon evolve too early. I don't think it's realistic for Steven to have a Metang before even one gym badge. If I were you, I'd refrain from it evolving into Metagross until around the seventh gym. Still, that's really only a nitpick. Keep doing what you're doing!

Thanks, man. I did hold off on posting this chapter a bit longer than I have the past handful, to work on polishing it up. I'm glad to hear it paid off, especially with the battle.

I'm glad you like Estelle! I've been wanting to introduce more friends and rivals for Steven.

As for the evolutions, I kind of agree with you, but there's only so much you can do with a Beldum. I haven't quite pinned down when Prometheus will evolve again, but it definitely won't be for a while. And with Edward, well, I reasoned that Marill evolve at a fairly low level, and it's not as if Wallace is a brand-new trainer.

Thanks for the review!

 

[Beth Pavell]

Got to be a quick one, I'm afraid, since I read half the chapter while bone-tired and the other half with a wooden head.

So, I was quite impressed with the dream sequence at the start, there. You got the language right for that. The story did need a bit of a slow-down in general here, so that's worthwhile, though I would be wary of using it as a pattern: you know, action-chapter, action-chapter, character-chapter, etc. You'll be well-served to run with the ambiguous "who's got it worst" theme, I reckon.

 

[AceTrainer14]

I read the last two chapters for the Review Game, and I think one shows off your skills quite nicely while the others shows off a number of faults.

Chapter 11 was brilliant. It was a nice break from the action, and it was very well executed and laid out. The dream sequence was confusing, but it was meant to be so it works, while also having some beautiful language and rising up a number of possibilities for the rest of the story. I'd liked the appearance of Estelle, and she seems like she will be a fun recurring character (though her entry felt a bit random/forced: perhaps if more had been made of her walk, or if she had challenged him to a battle?). I liked the handling of Wallace's backstory and Steven's reaction, and then their reconciliating battle was a nice touch. You have a clear handle on both your characters, and they are both written in a very unique manner that makes them a joy to read. It was simply a great chapter, and it makes me glad you won Best Expansion.

Chapter 10, however, was a bit messy. I was a bit confused throughout as to what was actually happening, as there was quite a bit going on but it felt quite rushed through. Having all those characters to juggle rather slowed things down, and the chapter seemed to collapse under its own weight. I know writing action scenes with multiple Pokemon is quite tricky, and you did a decent job with some nice inventiveness going on, but it wasn't as smooth as it could have been. I also found it a bit jarring to then have all the humans appear again after the Pokemon were done fighting: I'd forgotten since the last chapter that there were actually other people still there. You could have potentially had them play into the fight sequence a bit more, perhaps commenting or rolling out of the way.

And then the car/helicopter chase was rather confusing, and perhaps could have been made better if there had been more on Steven's thoughts to slow things down. You've got a random guy appearing for a bit of exposition, two helicopters, Isis showing up, the car driving up the helicopter: it's all very fast paced and it could really have been done smoother with a bit more care and a few less characters. There was also a lot of characters glancing/glaring at each other which felt a bit repetitive (though I do that myself a lot XD).

The other thing I noticed was you used the same phrases twice in the same sentences several times:

Miss Carolyn climbed out as well, letting Chan out of his Poké Ball as well.

Lightning-fast, a Poké Ball shot out from the newcomer's belt. Lightning-fast, a

It dropped to the floor, unmoving, and was recalled into its Poké Ball too. Mightyena was recalled by its trainer as well.

You also used 'hopped' repeatedly, and used everyone's names constantly when you could have used some different descriptions. It comes across as a bit sloppy when you see the same phrases being dragged out again and again and distracted me from reading. I think proofreading a few times and you would be able to catch these repetitions more.

So Chapter 10 disappointed me, but then Chapter 11 blew me away - it was possibly the best chapter in the story so far. I think you need to take more care and time with action scenes, but you handle slice of life extremely well and that was simply a pleasure to read.

 

[Lugion]

Thanks for the review, Ace! I do have to agree with you on Chapter 10. Honestly, I struggled a lot with it and by the end I was just rushing through it so I could move on. Obviously it wasn't the best decision for that particular chapter. I'm considering rewrites and revision sometime in the future, so I might end up changing a bunch of the battle in Littleroot based on you guys' criticisms.