TEEN: The Deprogramming

[AceTrainer14]

Hello ello! As you demanded this so quickly, here are my thoughts. I will be speaking both generally and also focussing on the third chapter, as I haven’t reviewed it and it also needs the most attention.

As I always like to do a compliment sandwich, I’ll start with the positives. Firstly, Kotone. That first chapter is stellar, it really shows the effort you put into it, and that is largely cause of her. She is a fully realised character and we learn so much about her in that chapter it is really astounding. You do have a good style that is peppered with a lot of comedy as well as letting the drama shine through. The first chapter was an excellent read, one of the best introductory chapters I have read on this site.

The Monster is also a highlight, even if they are a bit one-note at the moment, which is fine in a story this early on. I am intrigued by them and want to know more about them and their motivations. You also made the Unown funny and gave Bat-Man a lot of spark.

Now, the more negative bits. Most of these are about the third chapter, which needs the most work, but I will start with Kotone.

While she is also your greatest strength, Kotone is also close to being your greatest weakness. We go from her being so detailed and so thought out in the first chapter, to getting very little of her in the next two. We needed something more to happen internally in her while she was at Kurt’s house. She really just whizzes through things and it doesn’t come across as realistic. I understand she wants to get out of there straight away, but she goes from being kinda catatonic to “sure thing, let’s leave” pretty quickly. She doesn’t really stop and acknowledge she’s in a game, she just sort of stumbles along in the third chapter, there’s no real “huh, this is kinda neat” moment that would’ve added so much to her. Her personality largely seems to regress between the first two chapters; none of her intelligence and quick thinking from when she stopped herself from choking, or her inquisitiveness at the talking device, is present when she arrives in Johto. It feels like she is simply in survival mode, which makes sense, but it means we lose what makes her interesting.

That’s largely where the third chapter kind of fails. While we get a bit of her thinking on the train, once she gets off the train, we are hit with a confusing mix of references and details and descriptions and character stuff that left me rather befuddled and made it a struggle to read. There was almost too much going on, which is appropriate given the city landscape, but it wasn’t something that was addressed in the story so felt un-intended. Things like the ‘Make Goldenrod Great Again’ bit should’ve been just a one-off joke, not the focus on a whole scene. It’s funnier as a gag rather than a plot point, and if it’s going to come up later, I think it needs to be reworked.

The election campaign also highlights a logic issue that really just annoyed me, so it may just be me. I just find it weird how everyone seems to know it is a game but also values everything they do. I think it would be funnier and more interesting if everyone was unaware it was a game, that Kotone was more of a deity figure rather than a player character as some characters seem to think she is. Similarly, Kotone seems to forget herself at times, such as with the Gentleman/Melvin thing, which only adds to the confusion and bafflement of the logic. Just removing a few lines here and there about it would make things smoother, and could add a new aspect to Kotone. It is a nicely established world asides from that, though I think some more physical descriptions, namely in the third chapter, would be a bonus.

I also think she should maybe explore the city more in an orderly fashion before going to Charlie. It was quite disorientating reading things for how fast paced it was, running towards the conversation which could’ve been much shorter due to how back and forth and repetitive it was. Maybe if Charlie was following her or something that could help build up to things?

With regards to Kurt, he is a fine enough character, but he was lacking in most areas and was never really a contender for Supporting. It wouldn’t really matter much, but I think it does highlight another issue, which is the fact he is kind of important to the story but is a bit of an enigma. He goes from being cantankerous old man to a man with a secret very quickly, and his moment looking at Kotone at the start of Chapter III was just odd and confusing. I think he needs a bit more spark/detail in order to make the idea that Kotone would follow him more interesting.

This may seem like a largely negative review, but I do really like this story and am only critical as it is early on and you have the opportunity to remedy things before you get too deep into the story. The chapters should have a more narrow focussed and contemplative like the first one, rather than throwing everything out of the toybox and moving on the way the other two can feel like.

I think the best way you could remedy things is splitting Kotone’s bit with Kurt into a separate chapter and spread it across a day or two. It would remove one of the biggest issues which is the pacing problem, where Kotone arrives and is roped into a scheme within hours. Really, the second chapter would be pretty good without the rushed Kurt scene. Slowing things down there would allow the third chapter to be crazier as it would be Kotone’s first trip in the world, but it needs some more weight behind it and we should care she is going to Goldenrod, rather than it simply being the next stop.

The third chapter, the issues are largely just a speed problem, but I did have a head injury a few weeks ago so it might be that XD More of the type of story we see on the train and less of the hecticness would really work for you. The scene getting on the train station, with the pre-programmed stuff and Melvin being vague was a bit odd as well, I can’t really use a better word.

Again, I do like this story. The first chapter was easily one of the best intros I’ve read on this site and it was a fantastic way to kick things off; you just need the rest of the story to match. The second chapter is largely fine, it just needs more Kotone, and the third chapter needs a brutal reading over to see what works and what doesn’t. This story could easily be great, but it needs some more care in order to reach those heights.

 

[Flaze]

Onwards to chapter 3. I have to start off by saying that even if you shortened the chapter; I still think it was too long. Yes, it was still funny and self-aware and you had quite a few good scenes that I really liked, in particular Kotone saying goodbye to Melvin and then the final scene with Charlie.

Unfortunately, the chapter became kind of a slog to read through and while the jokes were funny they’re…also kind of overdone? Like, it feels like they don’t really add anything besides being funny nods to in real life events, the Make [insert name here] Great Again has gotten kind of old too.

I don’t know, maybe this is me talking in my midnight, tired and slightly annoyed state, but it just because kind of a hassle to read through Kotone’s breakdowns over and over as she explored everything.

It’s great that we get to see how the game world looks to her and that we also get a look at some of the more “gamey” aspects of the story, like the classes and how everyone basically looks the same because of that or that there’s a specific type of trainer that does everything, hell, self-aware jokes like the thing with the daycare were fun too.

But, you kind of have to wonder if every scene is truly necessary and if you’re not just going over the same point. We know Kotone wants to leave, we know she’s confused and we know that everything that reminds her she’s trapped there will make her roll into a ball and cry…when are we moving on from that? I’m all for realizing, but you can’t overdo it.

But that’s the bad. As I stated earlier, I do like your style of humor and how self-aware it tries to be, it can be a bit cynical but it’s not overdone and you can tell that you think through the jokes and make sure to make them funny and clever on their own. I know I said that this can get a bit tiresome, but it adds a lot of levity to what would otherwise be a really grim and dark story.

Another thing I can still appreciate is Kotone. While she’s mostly been put to the sidelines in the last two chapters in favor of exploring the Monster and then the world, she’s still pretty fun to follow around, even if her schtick can get a bit old sometimes. Nevertheless, she does have depth and is pretty grounded in how she acts, with the way she can be nice and appreciative of Melvin one minute and then spout about how she hates the game and wants to get rid of it the next.

The other thing that I liked was Kotone’s interactions with Feiruz, which just helped in making me sad when the chapter ended with Feiruz attacking her. Nevertheless, it was still kind of cute to see him get so attached and act like any other pet would.

I also appreciate all of the hints and foreshadowing that Chapter 3 throws out, and while not much to further the plot happened, we did get one very important event and a lot of hints for future ones, so at least you’re setting up your plot in a unique and engaging way.

Lastly, while your chapters can be long (seriously), they do have a good reading flow to them so it’s easy to get through them fast, the prose is quick and effortless, so kudos for that. Your grammar’s also essentially perfect, with no outward mistakes that I could spot.

Don’t think that I hate this fic I don’t. It’s just that its flaws (or at least the ones I see) stand out to me as much as its qualities do. It’s a really good fic, with a lot of thought put into it, but it also comes with some pretty big caveats.

Anyways, I’ll stay tuned for any new chapters so keep working hard!

 

[Misfit Angel]

Here come some awards thoughts!

The Deprogramming
Plot:

• I always hate judging this section on such short stories, as there usually isn't much to talk about other than grand plans. I feel like the same happens here: Girl gets sucked into video game. Girl must escape monster responsible. Girl uses vague memories of when she played the game to her advantage. It's a broad topic, surely there's more specifics to it that we haven't experienced yet.
• Kotone has been moved onto her first arc fairly expediently. Maybe a little too quick for her situation, I think. She's barely been given time to breathe before being thrown into the deep end, but maybe that's a conscious decision by the author, possibly the monster, or even the game itself.

Setting:

• Fairly standard rendition of Johto that feels like it's been done to death a million times and more. Though at the same time, it actually makes sense in this regard. It mirrors the game universe perfectly because it is the game universe. Brilliant!

Characterization:

• I'm not sure I'm entirely sold on Kurt/Melvin's reactions to Kotone's obviously disturbed and insane ramblings. They treat her as some temporarily confused kid when just about anyone would take what she's saying as a sign of serious and potentally dangerous mental illness.
• That said, I'm definitely sold on Kotone. Her genuine terror of this strange monster feels incredibly realistic. She's already broken by it, rendered helpless in its presence, and rightfully so.
• The monster is also interesting. It's very clear that he's immensely powerful, probably more powerful than the game would ever allow (I smell action replay, yo). Yet at the same time, I have to wonder why such a powerful being involves itself with such lowly creatures as Pokemon during its search for Kotone. They seem almost inconsequential (so far).

Style:

• Personally, I'm not a huge fan of the narration style. However, it was handled fairly tactfully in this case. The narrator doesn't get in the way too much, which is often the case in these kinds of stories.
• The description is great. Very colorful, very detailed, very purposeful.

Technical:
(note: this is probably my weakest section as a judge, since I so very often miss easy to spot errors in spelling/wording, bear with me please)

• I haven't found much in the way of spelling/grammar mistakes. Sentence structure is fine (taking into account that the narrator is speaking in a casual tone).
• My only... concern? I'm unsure of what's up with the different font for things like attack names. They don't really distract from the reading, but I'm not sure if they actually serve a purpose. Is it the Unown?

Other thoughts

• From personal experience, a DS will provide enough light to read by so long as you turn the brightness slider to max and leave it at that offensively bright white menu screen!
• Kotone really should have just unplugged that thing and chucked it against a wall.
• The Unown scene was great!

 

[Arkadelphiak]

WOOOOOOOOO I AM BACK, thus proving that I survived a hard semester that prevented any productive writing. As of 12/23/2017, these plot changes have taken place, based on valuable feedback from my readers:

1. Extended the conversation between Kotone and the monster (go read it for some major hints!)
2. Kurt and Melvin rescue her, they are confused and genuinely concerned for her
3. They promise to take her to a hospital in Goldenrod City
4. Kotone admits to [basically] being a scientist, Kurt interprets this as her being a Scientist
5. Kurt sends Melvin off for groceries to get him out of the picture
6. Kurt leads Kotone to a shadier part of the city, meets up with "Charlie"
7. Charlie introduces himself (and his pet Golbat, Feiruz) and offers a job to Kotone on the spot

I strongly recommend re-reading/skimming the second and third chapters, just so you'll be totally caught up; if you read the chapters AFTER 12/23/2017, then ignore that disclaimer. Now, feast your eyes on an unreasonably-large set of responses:

Spoiler: T H A N K

If this is an NPCs Golbat, then it shouldn't have a nickname, as NPCs close to never nickname their Pokemon.

Oooh, not in this fic! Many of the NPCs like to defy their presets, such as not nicknaming.

Can you give a Golbat a hair cut?

Yes, there's a feature that lets you give haircuts to your Pokemon, which increases Happiness and is the only way to raise the Beauty stat in HGSS. It's located in the Goldenrod Tunnel.

Is it kinda weird that I want to see them together?
Hmmm...
Just the feeling I get from it.

GHOSTSOUL CONFIRMED AS FILTHY SHIPPER AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH

If she just wants to just 'get out of here' then why would she discuss employment benefits? It seems a bit out there?

The flow of this chapter was pretty good at the beginning but it felt like it got lost under the weight of 'a lot of things happening at once' later on, once she met the painter and ''Charlie''. The conversation with ''Charlie'' did feel a little rushed and awkward in places especially how quickly the characters seem to change their minds about their situations and feelings towards one another. I feel like the scene could have been longer, or perhaps just the character's emotional states more consistent. The chapter specifically has a lot of 'skips' for various scenes. Perhaps this could have been split into 2 chapters with the chapters exploring a different section?

I do think you introduced some good concepts/themes here though and the plot with Team Rocket as possible protagonists is an interesting set up and I'll be looking forward to seeing how it goes.

Taken into account! Thanks!

Setting
I was wondering whether to pick at the consistency in the video game bits or not. It occurs to me that if you were to stick rigidly to the world of the games - literally - you'd have virtually no setting to work with. That being said, I hope you're damn sure that this sort-of video game world makes internal sense, because I have a suspicion that will be crucial to the story. I'm reminded of Inside Out, of all things, insofar as that deals with a fantasy world that incorporates real-world concepts (Memory, emotion, etc) in a metaphorical way. If that sentence makes any damn sense.

Story
The whole thing is faintly Gaimann-esque, which will actually mean something to you now - although if Kotone ever manages to fit an entire man into her vagina, I'm going to have to change "faintly" to "blatantly". In general the story's chugging along just fine, but for the final conversation. It was a bit like the Kotone/DS conversation all over again - I found myself wanting to demand that she make up her mind, because there seemed to be a lot of her flicking between the Team Rocket schtick and actually wanting to get the hell out.

Really for me the fundamental question is this: in the context of the last few days, what is she really going to want? The answer, I think, is to get some answers at the very least. I just can't see her getting too hung up on a possibility that Mystery Man is a Rocket - or even necessarily noticing the reference.

I think what you need to bear in mind in future is where you want these important conversations to go. Yeah, in real life people do meander a bit when they talk, and they're not always rational and logical in the way they lay out their thoughts. It's difficult to get away with this kind of thing in fiction, though.

Characters
I do keep getting the feeling that Kotone isn't as bright as she thinks she is. That ain't eugenics you were doing girl, that was merely selective breeding

I've made some changes that will hopefully answer your questions. And hurray, being called "Gaimann-esque" is a huge compliment!

I have the haziest memories of the original that we aren't supposed to talk about, and I do appreciate the edits you've made here.

Yeah, let's pretend the original, shitty, I-literally-wrote-this-in-high-school first few chapters never happened.

One thing that did bother me was the rhetorical questions. Stylistically, it works pretty well to build up the doubt and confusion, but I think you went a little over-the-top, especially as they got more absurd:
The result is a weird hybrid between using the question as rhetorical device for humor (obviously it's not actually the universe inducing heat death, but it's funny that she would think that) and the question as a way to enforce Kotone's skepticism/scientific background. Usually your style is really good at integrating the humor and the action, but I think having this many questions in the narrative ultimately detracted from the flow. JUST A SMALL THING THO.

Yeah, I was going for the over-the-top question at that point, just to push the prose over the edge. I like it, but it's definitely not perfect. I plan to revisit it later.

also i don't really get how this works -- if it's "perfectly" genderless, then it can't be faintly masculine

F I X E D

tiny detail, but since she's a scientist, she should know better -- her DS can already "talk" and we've basically had "talking machines" since the advent of recorded sound/whenever we finally killed off silent film. The true achievement is in what she says later (that the thing is capable of hosting a sentient conversation with her and possibly passing a Turing Test), so I feel like "conversational machine" is probably more accurate.

Noted. I would probably replace "conversational" with a simpler term, just so it'd roll off the tongue (keyboard?) better.

There's a surprising amount of worldbuilding hidden in the Pokemon interactions here, and I think you did so in a very clever way. You quickly paint the Gyarados hierarchy in broad but effective strokes, and it's easy to see the quirkiness of this horde of weirdly-knowledgeable but also trolly Unown.

like this bit is fucking hilarious and you can't tell me otherwise

I'm glad you liked it! <3

This rendition of the monster is instantly a lot more complex than the previous one -- I'm not sure if I just missed it in the first version or it wasn't fully incorporated yet, but knowing that the scary eel 'o doom is also the voice that convinced Kotone to start this adds so much more dimension already. good shit.

That being said, I don't fully understand the rest of the worldbuilding here -- monster-friend can manipulate the plane of reality/swim around in the matrix/code things because of programming. The rest of the characters are at least somewhat aware that they're actually made of code, and Kurt even references programming as a profession -- are those scientists in this version also magical/can do crazy shit because programming? Are the other NPC's aware that they're NPC's? What do they do when there's no player input/is everything they do actually scripted, and are they aware of this fact? IDK MAN YOU CAN'T JUST DROP THE BOMB THAT THE ENTIRE SUPPORTING CAST IS MAYBE SENTIENT AI.

F I X E D
I'd recommend taking a look at Chapter II again for a WAY better explanation. Thank you bb, I hadn't realized how vague it used to be!

LMAO. Okay, then. I should've expected to see this line somewhere this chapter, but totally forgot about it. I'm so sorry, Senori.

r i p p e r o n i s e n o r i

Really like this line. Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but your writing style is pretty solid and super fun to read. It's got a really good flow to it and spot on word choice.

Ayyy, thanks. I've found that I give myself a headache whenever I sit down and try to make beautiful prose (shakes fist at Pavell's tree descriptions). Therefore, I figured, why not go for a style that works with my strengths?

It's PokéTron!

Yeah that was my first thought when I saw where this was going. Seriously, being sucked into the game by a mysterious entity: Tron. Total fish-out-of-water scenario where the main character has to contend with in-game mechanics rather than actual mechanics: Tron. Now if only we had Jeff Bridges around somewhere... is Kurt played by Jeff Bridges in this fic? Along this vein, the story also seems to have a flavor similar to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with the snarky, joke-cracking narrator to set the tone.

Okay, serious review time.

Obviously this is a really tongue-in-cheek take on all this. My first worry is that, because the story is self-proclaimed satire of Pokémon fanfiction and commonly associated tropes, it may lose itself in its own satire. By that I mean, if the gags, humor, references and major elements are all dependent on knowledge/experience with Pokéfics it's poking fun at, then it may lose a lot of its own story: it becomes a big inside joke. My hope is that this story will be enjoyable in its own right, and not go too far out of its way to thumb its nose at the object of satire.

My only real other concern so far is Kotone's continued insistence, particularly to everyone around her, that she's "in a video game and had to get out". It seems to take her a while to decide to "play along" while she tries to figure out the world. Then again, she's still very much stuck in her way. This is a prime example of something that could "get stuck in its own satire" like I mentioned earlier if it's not handled too well.

Otherwise, this looks like a ton of fun!

Aww, thank you!! I've actually never read Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but it's on my list. And the satire isn't too tongue-in-cheek; you'll be pleased to know that things eventually get serious (and deadly serious, even), so you'll get a worthwhile plot. As you'll see, Part I is mostly satire, whereas Part II is mostly deconstruction (but the satire doesn't leave!).

As I always like to do a compliment sandwich, I’ll start with the positives. Firstly, Kotone. That first chapter is stellar, it really shows the effort you put into it, and that is largely cause of her. She is a fully realised character and we learn so much about her in that chapter it is really astounding. You do have a good style that is peppered with a lot of comedy as well as letting the drama shine through. The first chapter was an excellent read, one of the best introductory chapters I have read on this site.

The Monster is also a highlight, even if they are a bit one-note at the moment, which is fine in a story this early on. I am intrigued by them and want to know more about them and their motivations. You also made the Unown funny and gave Bat-Man a lot of spark.

Thank you, Aceroni! I'm particularly happy with Chapter I, since I wanted a minimalist feel. <3

Now, the more negative bits. Most of these are about the third chapter, which needs the most work, but I will start with Kotone.

While she is also your greatest strength, Kotone is also close to being your greatest weakness. We go from her being so detailed and so thought out in the first chapter, to getting very little of her in the next two. We needed something more to happen internally in her while she was at Kurt’s house. She really just whizzes through things and it doesn’t come across as realistic. I understand she wants to get out of there straight away, but she goes from being kinda catatonic to “sure thing, let’s leave” pretty quickly. She doesn’t really stop and acknowledge she’s in a game, she just sort of stumbles along in the third chapter, there’s no real “huh, this is kinda neat” moment that would’ve added so much to her. Her personality largely seems to regress between the first two chapters; none of her intelligence and quick thinking from when she stopped herself from choking, or her inquisitiveness at the talking device, is present when she arrives in Johto. It feels like she is simply in survival mode, which makes sense, but it means we lose what makes her interesting.

That’s largely where the third chapter kind of fails. While we get a bit of her thinking on the train, once she gets off the train, we are hit with a confusing mix of references and details and descriptions and character stuff that left me rather befuddled and made it a struggle to read. There was almost too much going on, which is appropriate given the city landscape, but it wasn’t something that was addressed in the story so felt un-intended. Things like the ‘Make Goldenrod Great Again’ bit should’ve been just a one-off joke, not the focus on a whole scene. It’s funnier as a gag rather than a plot point, and if it’s going to come up later, I think it needs to be reworked.

The election campaign also highlights a logic issue that really just annoyed me, so it may just be me. I just find it weird how everyone seems to know it is a game but also values everything they do. I think it would be funnier and more interesting if everyone was unaware it was a game, that Kotone was more of a deity figure rather than a player character as some characters seem to think she is. Similarly, Kotone seems to forget herself at times, such as with the Gentleman/Melvin thing, which only adds to the confusion and bafflement of the logic. Just removing a few lines here and there about it would make things smoother, and could add a new aspect to Kotone. It is a nicely established world asides from that, though I think some more physical descriptions, namely in the third chapter, would be a bonus.

I also think she should maybe explore the city more in an orderly fashion before going to Charlie. It was quite disorientating reading things for how fast paced it was, running towards the conversation which could’ve been much shorter due to how back and forth and repetitive it was. Maybe if Charlie was following her or something that could help build up to things?

With regards to Kurt, he is a fine enough character, but he was lacking in most areas and was never really a contender for Supporting. It wouldn’t really matter much, but I think it does highlight another issue, which is the fact he is kind of important to the story but is a bit of an enigma. He goes from being cantankerous old man to a man with a secret very quickly, and his moment looking at Kotone at the start of Chapter III was just odd and confusing. I think he needs a bit more spark/detail in order to make the idea that Kotone would follow him more interesting.

This may seem like a largely negative review, but I do really like this story and am only critical as it is early on and you have the opportunity to remedy things before you get too deep into the story. The chapters should have a more narrow focussed and contemplative like the first one, rather than throwing everything out of the toybox and moving on the way the other two can feel like.

I think the best way you could remedy things is splitting Kotone’s bit with Kurt into a separate chapter and spread it across a day or two. It would remove one of the biggest issues which is the pacing problem, where Kotone arrives and is roped into a scheme within hours. Really, the second chapter would be pretty good without the rushed Kurt scene. Slowing things down there would allow the third chapter to be crazier as it would be Kotone’s first trip in the world, but it needs some more weight behind it and we should care she is going to Goldenrod, rather than it simply being the next stop.

The third chapter, the issues are largely just a speed problem, but I did have a head injury a few weeks ago so it might be that XD More of the type of story we see on the train and less of the hecticness would really work for you. The scene getting on the train station, with the pre-programmed stuff and Melvin being vague was a bit odd as well, I can’t really use a better word.

Again, I do like this story. The first chapter was easily one of the best intros I’ve read on this site and it was a fantastic way to kick things off; you just need the rest of the story to match. The second chapter is largely fine, it just needs more Kotone, and the third chapter needs a brutal reading over to see what works and what doesn’t. This story could easily be great, but it needs some more care in order to reach those heights.

TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT!

Onwards to chapter 3. I have to start off by saying that even if you shortened the chapter; I still think it was too long. Yes, it was still funny and self-aware and you had quite a few good scenes that I really liked, in particular Kotone saying goodbye to Melvin and then the final scene with Charlie.

Unfortunately, the chapter became kind of a slog to read through and while the jokes were funny they’re…also kind of overdone? Like, it feels like they don’t really add anything besides being funny nods to in real life events, the Make [insert name here] Great Again has gotten kind of old too.

I don’t know, maybe this is me talking in my midnight, tired and slightly annoyed state, but it just because kind of a hassle to read through Kotone’s breakdowns over and over as she explored everything.

It’s great that we get to see how the game world looks to her and that we also get a look at some of the more “gamey” aspects of the story, like the classes and how everyone basically looks the same because of that or that there’s a specific type of trainer that does everything, hell, self-aware jokes like the thing with the daycare were fun too.

But, you kind of have to wonder if every scene is truly necessary and if you’re not just going over the same point. We know Kotone wants to leave, we know she’s confused and we know that everything that reminds her she’s trapped there will make her roll into a ball and cry…when are we moving on from that? I’m all for realizing, but you can’t overdo it.

But that’s the bad. As I stated earlier, I do like your style of humor and how self-aware it tries to be, it can be a bit cynical but it’s not overdone and you can tell that you think through the jokes and make sure to make them funny and clever on their own. I know I said that this can get a bit tiresome, but it adds a lot of levity to what would otherwise be a really grim and dark story.

Another thing I can still appreciate is Kotone. While she’s mostly been put to the sidelines in the last two chapters in favor of exploring the Monster and then the world, she’s still pretty fun to follow around, even if her schtick can get a bit old sometimes. Nevertheless, she does have depth and is pretty grounded in how she acts, with the way she can be nice and appreciative of Melvin one minute and then spout about how she hates the game and wants to get rid of it the next.

The other thing that I liked was Kotone’s interactions with Feiruz, which just helped in making me sad when the chapter ended with Feiruz attacking her. Nevertheless, it was still kind of cute to see him get so attached and act like any other pet would.

I also appreciate all of the hints and foreshadowing that Chapter 3 throws out, and while not much to further the plot happened, we did get one very important event and a lot of hints for future ones, so at least you’re setting up your plot in a unique and engaging way.

Lastly, while your chapters can be long (seriously), they do have a good reading flow to them so it’s easy to get through them fast, the prose is quick and effortless, so kudos for that. Your grammar’s also essentially perfect, with no outward mistakes that I could spot.

Don’t think that I hate this fic I don’t. It’s just that its flaws (or at least the ones I see) stand out to me as much as its qualities do. It’s a really good fic, with a lot of thought put into it, but it also comes with some pretty big caveats.

Anyways, I’ll stay tuned for any new chapters so keep working hard!

Thank you, Fleeze! I've taken your suggestions into account! <3

Plot:

• I always hate judging this section on such short stories, as there usually isn't much to talk about other than grand plans. I feel like the same happens here: Girl gets sucked into video game. Girl must escape monster responsible. Girl uses vague memories of when she played the game to her advantage. It's a broad topic, surely there's more specifics to it that we haven't experienced yet.
• Kotone has been moved onto her first arc fairly expediently. Maybe a little too quick for her situation, I think. She's barely been given time to breathe before being thrown into the deep end, but maybe that's a conscious decision by the author, possibly the monster, or even the game itself.

Yeah, you've nailed the plot so far.

Setting:

• Fairly standard rendition of Johto that feels like it's been done to death a million times and more. Though at the same time, it actually makes sense in this regard. It mirrors the game universe perfectly because it is the game universe. Brilliant!

This has been on my mind; it's a matter of how much detail is appropriate. You'll see that this world isn't a total carbon copy of the game.

• The monster is also interesting. It's very clear that he's immensely powerful, probably more powerful than the game would ever allow (I smell action replay, yo). Yet at the same time, I have to wonder why such a powerful being involves itself with such lowly creatures as Pokemon during its search for Kotone. They seem almost inconsequential (so far).

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Expect Chapter IV ("New Frontiers") in a few days. You'll see the bones of the main conflict begin to solidify.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Yo, I've already reviewed these chapters, but I'm here for the edits. Get at me.

Extended the conversation between Kotone and the monster (go read it for some major hints!)

I like it. The monster comes off more guilty and less like a creepy, heartless kidnapper in your edits. It's realistic that Kotone has her panic attack and refuses to the listen to the monster and do anything to get away. The monster doesn't have time to lose its patience with her since she's swept away by a teleport, so I'll be interested to see what happens if/when the two do meet again.

Kurt and Melvin rescue her, they are confused and genuinely concerned for her

I think the concern dialogue was fine, though it might've done better with more descriptions of what they were doing with her - patting her back? Backing up out of fear despite their "concern"? That kind of thing. I felt like the dialogue overshadowed the action.

They promise to take her to a hospital in Goldenrod City

This checks out, lol. I did struggle to remember if the hospital was a thing before. It's brought up enough times in the edits to make it stick. For the record, I didn't read this list before reading. I think I did pretty good spotting this stuff out!

Kotone admits to [basically] being a scientist, Kurt interprets this as her being a Scientist

I think this was in the original, and I'm not sure what edits you made still, but it works regardless. It fits with the trainer class theme stuff and it isn't just a sign for them to approach her and be like "hey wanna join Team Rocket?" It fits with the worldbuilding, too.

Kurt sends Melvin off for groceries to get him out of the picture

There's still a part where it says she never sees Melvin again. Was that supposed to be left in there? Him showing up again kind of contradicts that with the way that sentence was worded.

Kurt leads Kotone to a shadier part of the city, meets up with "Charlie"

Charlie introduces himself (and his pet Golbat, Feiruz) and offers a job to Kotone on the spot

Good call on having Kurt stick around for that convo. It made Charlie appear far less creepy, as did your edits to all the dialogue and action.

WAITING FOR CHAPTER 4 OMG

. A black-haired teenager was beating the absolute shit out of his Sentret.

also obligatory quote, I died

 

[Beth Pavell]

I suppose sooner or later I had to re-read Chapter Two, right? Might as well get the quoty bits out of the way.

The world wasn’t quite sure what to think of her sudden appearance.

Interesting line that. I don't recall whether it was in the previous version, but I don't remember it. It strikes me as a subtle hint that this game world was never designed for a real human to turn up in it, which might be a good excuse for un-game like things to happen in it.

By then, Kotone had assumed that some handsome-yet-troubled man was behind this. That seemed reasonable, after all. Perhaps he wanted to sweep her off her feet and force them to live happily ever after. Something, something, true love. Either way, this was a real inconvenience for everyone involved.

An odd bit of narration there, but that's par for the course, isn't it Beth? The same goes for the narrator directly addressing the audience. I was tempted to comment on it being irritating, but let's be fair, it's merely somewhat old-fashioned. I seem to recall that C. S. Lewis did it a lot in The Chronicles of Narnia.

She harvested her face from the dirt

A bizarre choice of verb but I like it nevertheless.

Back to the meat of this. The chapter's been significantly rewritten from what I remember. It's more straightforward in the narrative and is so much better for it. I probably said something like this last time, but there's mystery and weirdness enough in the monster. Melvin and whatsisface - Kurt, I think - come across as rather more human this time round. I'm a firm believer that any kind of dark plot needs a warm heart to give it some meaning, and in this chapter at least, they fill that role.

I don't have any problems with the Monster/Kotone conversation. Last time round the Monster was a bit too irrational in its actions. At least in this version it doesn't really expect to get its own way by manifesting as an eldritch horror with a vaguely avuncular demeanour. I kind of like that the Monster seems to be aware, albeit slightly tangentially, that he's pulled a fast one here and appears to have been hoping that Kotone somehow wouldn't notice. And at least, it has to be said, Kotone has something actually intelligent to say in showing that she hasn't somehow managed to forget everything about Pokémon in relatively little time.

(shakes fist at Pavell's tree descriptions)

What, even the "scuds of semen-white flowers" bit? Bloody rowans. Smelling of either sex or death, depending on who you ask, and either way you can blame it on trimethylamine

 

[Beth Pavell]

Not an awful lot to add when it comes to Chapter Three, though perhaps I might be allowed a moment to feel satisfied that getting less artsy and more prosaic has resulted in a much better chapter. It looks like what you're going for is a game world that seems to intrude on the everyday lives of the inhabitants. It's a bit like Wreck It Ralph in that regard. It ought to be pointed out, as well, that these edits make the world feel more like it is some kind of game world - the previous version was somewhat disconnected as I recall, tending to bump along from one scene to the next.

The air around it twisted and deformed as the hivemind tried to spaghettify it out of existence.

I sometimes wish I had a mind filled with less poetry and leaves and more atoms and wheels. There's no way I'd find a way to use "spaghettify" like that. I rather like how the Unown alone out of everything in this game don't seem too concerned about the Monster.

Everything pained her in an unfamiliar manner. But what was it? Nostalgia?

Interesting. Perhaps Kotone enjoyed Heart Gold more than she's - understandably - prepared to let on.

A black-haired teenager was beating the absolute shit out of his Sentret.

Sai's as charming as ever, I see.

(Still not eugenics, Kotone)

 

[MisheardWhisper]

Yo! Starting by rolling through in a stream of consciousness, then I'll come back at the end to try and synthesize everything.

Chapter I - Garbage In

Nice opening scene. Clean, flows well and introduces some humour so we know what to expect from the story, sets the tone for following material quite well and in classic pseudo-prologue fashion, gives a lot of hints without actually answering any of my questions so far.

Okay, we're leaning on the fourth wall with the narration. I can dig that.

Okay so I'm really digging the interactions between Kotone and the DS here. It walks the thin line between humour and uncanny valley, a fact mirrored by Kotone's attitude in the story itself as she vacillates between acceptance, absurdity and fear.

Overall, a good hook for a first chapter. Only two characters to speak of, but the dialogue keeps pace comfortably and doesn't let you rest - without being overwhelmingly chatty.

Chapter II - First Impressions

I feel moderately offended that the migrating Gyarados would be 'completely uninterested in diplomacy'. Has anyone really, seriously tried just... ya know, talking to them?

...And the immediate cut to a bunch of Gyarados being exceedingly diplomatic. I do wonder if that scene goes on a little too long before Kotone arrives, though. Time will tell if it serves any purpose, but from where I'm standing it just seems like a random comedic scene without too much payoff.

I don't have much snarky or helpful to say about the rest of this chapter, honestly. That's not to say it's not worth commenting on, just that it was full of things that made me go 'hmm... we'll comment on that after we see how it unfolds'. Which is not really helpful, but there you go. I did like the sudden paradigm shift where it becomes apparent that the NPCs are also aware of their place in the universe, and the twist that there's two Kotones. I feel secure in presuming the 'other' Kotone has literally just standing where she left her avatar before putting the game down for the last time, which of course makes me really want to see what the situation is there. Is she frozen there as a child, has she continued to age, what's going on?

Chapter 3 - Make Goldenrod City Great Again

Sigh.

Okay, perspective shift! Nice. Normally I'd have expected a shift in the first chapter or two just to warm the audience up to the idea of multiple changing viewpoints, but I'll admit it wouldn't have made sense here. So I'm not really sure how to reconcile the two points there.

But when she looked at the water in front of her, she realized that the monster had missed a few droplets. The glittery fluid shone of its own accord, sizzling and eating at the water itself.

I think I've seen this movie. It's kind of like Wreck-It Ralph, except Vanellope is an invincible thirty-foot tall monster that drools glitch-creating acid and Ralph is a med student with a migraine and okay it's nothing like Wreck-It Ralph.

It hissed and hated itself even further. There was only one way to deal with this, and it involved a sizable depreciation of humility.

Okay shit I misread that as 'humanity' and I was like 'oh okay the solution to the problem here is genocide, that's fun'.

G T F O

W H A T W R O N G

L O L W H Y

I think I'm gonna like these Unown.

“It’s really quite strange,” the man on the radio continued. “Our analysts aren’t sure why she’s been standing there for hours. Miss Kotone has never done this before. Let’s just hope she plugged the charger in, or we’ll have to wait another ten years for a visit. Ha!”

Hang on, I thought other!Kotone had been standing there for ten years. Why is it now hours? It doesn't sound like her state has changed, so why is this news? Unless this is the radio signal the Underworld was trying to send, for some reason...

“Approximate arrival in Ever Grande Central Station: ten minutes."

Hold up what.

Okay, one or two other people have touched on it I think, but Chapter 3 still feels long. Being long isn't really a problem (I have no idea how it stacks up against 1+2 wordcount-wise), but feeling long is - and Chapter 3 feels long. It goes through so much with so many different characters and settings - the monster and the Gyarados, the monster and the Unown, Kotone and her benefactors, on the train, in Goldenrod, at the Radio Tower, then suddenly not at the Radio Tower... it feels a bit schizophrenic and I found myself constantly playing catch-up. The cracking pace is well and good as long as everything is kept tight, but I felt like this was where the plot threads started to unravel a bit, which took me dangerously close to losing my grasp of them entirely.

Right, general comments time.

Plot: As mentioned (maybe?) I'm a sucker for metagaming and metafics and fic-gaming and all that jazz. From Wreck-It Ralph to SAO to any of the dozens of other knockoff manga I read, that's my jam. Seriously one of my favourite subgenres, and I always particularly like to see the comedic side of it. So far, the biggest and most obvious thing setting this aside from other 'stuck in Pokemon world' fics is the inclusion of the monster, the Underworld, who exists in this sort of limbo between reality and video game. I'll give him more attention in the Characters section, but as a plot device he serves his purpose. It's the catalyst for the journey, a helpful ally and the antagonist all at once, though I expect its role will settle down before too long.

In general I'm reasonably comfortable with how the plot is starting to get underway, but as I touched on just above, the third chapter feels like it's started to break apart for me. The first two chapters were laser-focused and went clearly from one point to another, but now it's running the risk of becoming muddled and losing its momentum. The revelation re: Trainer classes was nice to see but I feel like it took up more space than it deserved, derailing the story a little and making it difficult to get back on track.

Characters: This is the biggest strength of the story so far. I liked Kotone's interaction with the monster from the beginning; it really set up both her and the other thing's characters and quickly established a rapport. The monster's sense of urgency really came through in a sort of insidiously sinister but not quite explicitly evil way, and I definitely got a sense that it's neither entirely on her side nor completely out to get her. Its motives aren't really clear at this stage and that's fine, but I'm hoping Kotone can see her way to some goals in the near future, whether the Rhododendron Institute thing pans out well for her or not.

I'm guessing not.

The Unown are my favourite character so far. Between the text speak, the indecisiveness and the sass, they remind me of a teenage girl given Pokemon form, and that's brilliantly horrifying. Or horrifyingly brilliant, I can't decide.

Kurt and Melvin, on the other hand... hmm. I can't put my finger on it, but something about these two doesn't seem right. I mean obviously pretty much everything in this universe is comically sinister in some way, and Kurt showed his hand by hooking her up with Team Rocket, but even beyond that I'm not quite buying their role in the fic somehow. I'm sorry there's not much more specific I can say here, but I feel they were included so Kotone could grab onto something friendly and then be shunted on to a new danger. Beside that, I'm just not sure they have anything to contribute. I didn't feel much personality from them, which is a shame since your main characters are so dynamic.

Prose/Dialogue: Nothing much to say here that I haven't said already; the writing is snappy and keeps things moving at a good pace, conversations flow aggressively - at times too much so. The dialogue feels impressively natural for the most part; again, I was particularly impressed by Kotone's conversation with the DS. It showcased her mental state well and gave a lot of insight into her backstory in real life as well as her relationship with the game. The continuation of the conversation when she dropped into the Pokemon world was nice too, particularly the way the monster carried on getting more and more upset with her, ramping up the menace until she had no viable option but to flee the encounter.

Overall: A nice read so far, though loses focus somewhat in the third chapter before managing to swoop in and collect itself just before the end. I didn't touch on the humour much because I'm honestly not very good with that sorta jazz, but it was definitely there and definitely appreciated.

 

[Arkadelphiak]

Alrighty, THANKS YOU GUYS. I've done a loooot of condensing. So, I ameliorated Chapter II by putting in a gr8 scene with Melvin and Kurt. This makes me so happy, as I’d never been satisfied with the second and third chapters! I removed some of the more superfluous interactions in Goldenrod City, which will pop back up in Chapter VI (“Scientific Progress Goes ‘Crack’”), when Kotone is given a chance to explore the city. I also cleaned up the primary Kurt/Melvin interactions and fleshed them out even more. I’d recommend taking a look before we get any further— you never know what I might be hinting at.

Assuming all goes well with the new tweaks, the story should start humming along quite nicely. Things are gonna get INTERESTING. You've never seen a plot quite like this.

• Extended the conversation between Kotone and the monster (go read it for some major hints!)

• Kurt and Melvin are walking on toward Azalea Town, they hear screams, rescue Kotone, they are confused and genuinely concerned for her

• They get her away from the area and onto the Magnet Train so she can find some proper help in the big city

• Kotone admits to [basically] being a scientist, Kurt interprets this as her being a Scientist and oh boy does this complicate his life

• Kurt sends Melvin off for groceries to get him out of the picture

• Kurt leads Kotone to a shadier part of the city, meets up with "Charlie"

• Charlie introduces himself (and his pet Golbat, Feiruz) and kinda-forces her to work for his buddies

Aww yiss, now I'm going to comment on my own comment. Anyway, I've changed the things in bold from before. Good shite. If you read anything before 3/16/2018, I'd recommend reading again. But only if you want important information, my dudes. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Spoiler: R E S P O N S E

Interesting line that. I don't recall whether it was in the previous version, but I don't remember it. It strikes me as a subtle hint that this game world was never designed for a real human to turn up in it, which might be a good excuse for un-game like things to happen in it.

Yeah, that was actually in a previous version, but I felt that it needed a more dramatic position in the text. Keep it in mind.

Back to the meat of this. The chapter's been significantly rewritten from what I remember. It's more straightforward in the narrative and is so much better for it. I probably said something like this last time, but there's mystery and weirdness enough in the monster. Melvin and whatsisface - Kurt, I think - come across as rather more human this time round. I'm a firm believer that any kind of dark plot needs a warm heart to give it some meaning, and in this chapter at least, they fill that role.

I don't have any problems with the Monster/Kotone conversation. Last time round the Monster was a bit too irrational in its actions. At least in this version it doesn't really expect to get its own way by manifesting as an eldritch horror with a vaguely avuncular demeanour. I kind of like that the Monster seems to be aware, albeit slightly tangentially, that he's pulled a fast one here and appears to have been hoping that Kotone somehow wouldn't notice. And at least, it has to be said, Kotone has something actually intelligent to say in showing that she hasn't somehow managed to forget everything about Pokémon in relatively little time.

WOOOOOOOOO STRAIGHTFORWARD NARRATION

What, even the "scuds of semen-white flowers" bit? Bloody rowans. Smelling of either sex or death, depending on who you ask, and either way you can blame it on trimethylamine

Someone mentioned that in passing and it conjured a "WHAT" out of me. 10/10.

Not an awful lot to add when it comes to Chapter Three, though perhaps I might be allowed a moment to feel satisfied that getting less artsy and more prosaic has resulted in a much better chapter. It looks like what you're going for is a game world that seems to intrude on the everyday lives of the inhabitants. It's a bit like Wreck It Ralph in that regard. It ought to be pointed out, as well, that these edits make the world feel more like it is some kind of game world - the previous version was somewhat disconnected as I recall, tending to bump along from one scene to the next.

I sometimes wish I had a mind filled with less poetry and leaves and more atoms and wheels. There's no way I'd find a way to use "spaghettify" like that. I rather like how the Unown alone out of everything in this game don't seem too concerned about the Monster.

Honestly, I think there is a beautiful point to be made here. Sometimes I wish "ugh, why can't I make pretty prose like Pavell?" and yet, here you are lamenting about your own style. I think it's just a nice reminder that everyone should love what they've got, so-to-say.

Chapter I - Garbage In

Nice opening scene. Clean, flows well and introduces some humour so we know what to expect from the story, sets the tone for following material quite well and in classic pseudo-prologue fashion, gives a lot of hints without actually answering any of my questions so far.

Okay, we're leaning on the fourth wall with the narration. I can dig that.

Okay so I'm really digging the interactions between Kotone and the DS here. It walks the thin line between humour and uncanny valley, a fact mirrored by Kotone's attitude in the story itself as she vacillates between acceptance, absurdity and fear.

Overall, a good hook for a first chapter. Only two characters to speak of, but the dialogue keeps pace comfortably and doesn't let you rest - without being overwhelmingly chatty.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Honestly, Chapter I is basically perfect. It's laser-focused, like you said (or will say below).

Chapter II - First Impressions

. . .

I don't have much snarky or helpful to say about the rest of this chapter, honestly. That's not to say it's not worth commenting on, just that it was full of things that made me go 'hmm... we'll comment on that after we see how it unfolds'. Which is not really helpful, but there you go. I did like the sudden paradigm shift where it becomes apparent that the NPCs are also aware of their place in the universe, and the twist that there's two Kotones. I feel secure in presuming the 'other' Kotone has literally just standing where she left her avatar before putting the game down for the last time, which of course makes me really want to see what the situation is there. Is she frozen there as a child, has she continued to age, what's going on?

Ooh, said paradigm shift is very important. I added a new detail with Kurt holding up his Pokegear and being like "bruh, you're not her" to really seal it in. And I can't explain the stuff in bold yet! We've barely started, and it gets addressed later on. But I'm thrilled that you're already thinking about these things!

Chapter 3 - Make Goldenrod City Great Again

Sigh.

I know, man, I know.

I think I've seen this movie. It's kind of like Wreck-It Ralph, except Vanellope is an invincible thirty-foot tall monster that drools glitch-creating acid and Ralph is a med student with a migraine and okay it's nothing like Wreck-It Ralph.

10/10 WOULD WATCH THIS MOVIE
Wreck-It Ralph actually had a big influence on this, as you can tell. I remember watching it (after casting this original shitty edition fic aside) and thinking, This is perfect! This is exactly what I mean!

Okay shit I misread that as 'humanity' and I was like 'oh okay the solution to the problem here is genocide, that's fun'.

I wondered if someone would misread that, ayyyy.

Hang on, I thought other!Kotone had been standing there for ten years. Why is it now hours? It doesn't sound like her state has changed, so why is this news? Unless this is the radio signal the Underworld was trying to send, for some reason...

WHOOPS. He means that she's been sitting there with the game on for a few hours. I'll go back and fix that.

Okay, one or two other people have touched on it I think, but Chapter 3 still feels long. Being long isn't really a problem (I have no idea how it stacks up against 1+2 wordcount-wise), but feeling long is - and Chapter 3 feels long. It goes through so much with so many different characters and settings - the monster and the Gyarados, the monster and the Unown, Kotone and her benefactors, on the train, in Goldenrod, at the Radio Tower, then suddenly not at the Radio Tower... it feels a bit schizophrenic and I found myself constantly playing catch-up. The cracking pace is well and good as long as everything is kept tight, but I felt like this was where the plot threads started to unravel a bit, which took me dangerously close to losing my grasp of them entirely.

Noted! I went back and spruced up Chapter III and it's a LOT better. I'd recommend scanning it (and II) again, because they're looking much better!

The Unown are my favourite character so far. Between the text speak, the indecisiveness and the sass, they remind me of a teenage girl given Pokemon form, and that's brilliantly horrifying. Or horrifyingly brilliant, I can't decide.

A Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y
Oh, yes. They're my favorite character to write-- and they play a biiiig role in this story. I've extended their conversation with Monster McMonsterface.

Kurt and Melvin, on the other hand... hmm. I can't put my finger on it, but something about these two doesn't seem right. I mean obviously pretty much everything in this universe is comically sinister in some way, and Kurt showed his hand by hooking her up with Team Rocket, but even beyond that I'm not quite buying their role in the fic somehow. I'm sorry there's not much more specific I can say here, but I feel they were included so Kotone could grab onto something friendly and then be shunted on to a new danger. Beside that, I'm just not sure they have anything to contribute. I didn't feel much personality from them, which is a shame since your main characters are so dynamic.

Fixed, and much appreciated!

I know one thing: that I know nothing.

―The Socratic Paradox


IV

NEW FRONTIERS​

“Goo-ood morning, Johto!

It’s going to be a gorgeously sunny day here in Goldenrod City, folks. We’ve gathered your latest news straight from the source.

That thunderstorm from last night moved inland and has almost entirely dissipated. It’s that time of year again, too: we’re tracking hordes of Magikarp and Gyarados as they migrate toward the warmer, centralized waters around the Whirl Islands. In the meantime, DJ Ben recommends the National Park if you’re interested in famous landmarks, more so than wildlife.

By the way, we’ve been dealing with a small interference on our networks. A rogue signal’s being emitted from the Ruins of Alph, undoubtedly from the Unown. In case you’re unaware, the Unown communicate using radio waves. These disturbances are completely natural, generally happening once or twice a month. But don’t you worry; it shouldn’t interfere with our prime time. We’ll look into it this afternoon.

This is the Director of the Radio Tower, signing off!”

MEANWHILE, AS TIME SEEMED TO FREEZE
​

Feiruz knew something that the rest of them didn’t. He knew this weird girl was special. Too special, in fact, to let her get away. Due to a misunderstanding on his behalf —the Golbat species isn’t renowned for their body language reading skills— he decided to use the one negotiating tactic he had. He had to interrupt the incoming handshake and its apparent farewell.

A set of glowing spheres came out of the Golbat’s great mouth.

They swam through the damp air, lighting up Kotone’s black hair with a ghostly halo. Before anyone could fix this atrocious breach of ethics, they slammed into the base of her head. Charlie, still mid-reach for the handshake, gasped as her pupils constricted. The pseudoscientist wobbled, then splayed herself all over the asphalt.

Crack.

“Holy shit,” Charlie breathed. He put a gloved hand over his mouth, speechless for once. “You did not.”

Goldenrod City held its breath for a few seconds.

Kurt hobbled over to Kotone, his frown taut with worry. He bent down to brush the hair away from her vacant eyes. Luckily, a small red barrette in Kotone’s hair had cracked, as opposed to her skull. That was a real boon— they genuinely needed to keep this raving lunatic alive.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?”

She didn’t respond; her lips moved with angry nonsense.

Feiruz waddled over and started screeching near her face, as if he knew something. He then realized that the weirdo was positively out. Feiruz squealed, hopping on top of her back and crooning. He hadn’t meant to hit her with the attack— all he wanted was a minor distraction! A delay! Anything but this!

His owner was horrified. Charlie ripped him off the pseudoscientist’s chest, letting him teeter over the concrete. “Dammit, Feiruz!” he exploded, holding his hands out at her vacant expression. “We went over this! You can’t fuckin’ incapacitate new members anymore! The fuck is wrong with you?”

“Eeeeek!”

The poor Golbat looked like he’d faint from guilt. He hadn’t meant to scramble her information that badly. Most people had been hit with Confuse Ray at least once in their lifetime.

“—because I,” Kotone slurred in English, jaw against the concrete, her right hand still outstretched, “I h-hope all’a you . . . d-die . . . di-ie . . .”

“Aaugh! How the fuck am I gonna explain this in my report?” he snapped, trying to maintain eye contact with his pet. But instead of sending echoes of his tirade any further across the cathedral alleyways of Goldenrod City, Charlie took in a sharp inhalation. He bent down and waved a hand in front of Kotone’s glazed eyes, which were parallel to the asphalt.

She didn’t register a thing.

“Aw, shit,” he groaned. “Look,” he grumbled, turning to Kurt, “let’s just pretend this never happened. She said yes at the first offer. Does that sound good to you?”

His partner-in-crime grunted something that could be interpreted as approval. Thus, Charlie squatted down and shook Kotone’s hand, dragging it back and forth across the concrete.

“Consider yourself hired.”

“I . . . wha— huh? You . . . you b-better n-not talk to me, you stupid little—”

“By the way, she’d better be worth all the trouble,” Charlie hissed up to Kurt, crossing an arm over his knees. He held a thumb up at Kotone; she strained to focus on it. “And guess what? You-know-who still isn’t convinced that she’s a Scientist. How many people run into a perfect little disguised Scientist in the middle of Route 34? Better yet, protagonist syndrome? How’d she fool you?”

He just glared back.

“—bitch!” Kotone finally screeched, rolling onto her side and gaining volume and clarity. “Yeah, bitch!” she screamed at the sky, before slumping back down into a prone position. “I hate all of you,” she slurred into the pavement.

Kurt’s eyes widened at the outburst. He paused, looking at the newest hire. Her listless stare and slack-jacked expression pained him. In a sense, he had turned the little firebrand into a drooling idiot. “Look,” he sighed, cringing at how deep he had gotten into this mess, “I know it seems too good to be true, but you’re missin’ the whole picture.”

“You know exactly why I’m suspicious, Kurt.”

“And we both know I’m not real good at lying,” he countered, turning to hold out his palms at Charlie. His eyebrows raised. “You don’t wanna work with me, and I su-u-ure as hell don’t wanna work with you. But I’m trying to tell you that this isn’t about your organization. Quit bein’ so damn shortsighted and listen to me for once. It’s about her. Something is wrong with her.”

Charlie’s face darkened. “What’re you talking about?”

Kurt let his hands fall to his sides. “She’s . . . uh, saying some things that don’t need to get out. Things that make no sense. Like being Miss Kotone, or getting sucked into here by a monster.” He shook his head, maintaining eye contact. “She’s right about one thing, though: seeing the monster. And I’m afraid I did, too.”

Charlie blew air out of his nostrils, exasperated. “Mmkay, y’all saw a big ol’ Gyarados? At night? You call that a—”

“I’m not playin’ around with you, boy.” Kurt, teeth snapped shut, leveled a dead-serious look at Charlie’s sneer. “She didn’t just see this damn thing,” he snapped. “I saved her ass from getting eaten. It was all coiled up around her with a snare on her ankle. And get this, you uppity piece of shit— they were talking to each other. I heard it speak. How’re you gonna explain that?”

Charlie’s expression paled just so.

Kurt considered mincing his next words. He rolled his head side to side, trying to not keep gritting his teeth. “Look, buddy, I don’t like any of this either,” he admitted. “But, heh, isn’t it weird how the game came back on for the first time in ten years, then here comes this screaming amnesiac claiming she’s the protagonist? And that monster finally shows up in the same location? Sure, it’s physically impossible, but why?” he finished, joining Charlie’s wary stare at their newest friend.

“Fair point,” Charlie conceded.

Not to mention, Kurt thought, that monster hasn’t been seen in months. It’s like it knew exactly where to find this girl. And it never interacts with people.

A few feet below, Kotone blinked rapidly. Her focus started coming back. Her eyebrows pinched together. It took a few seconds for her to regain her senses; to Kurt and Charlie’s alarm, she snapped out of confusion faster than they expected. “You fucker!” she screamed, grabbing Charlie’s pantleg and digging her nails in. “I knew you would do thi—”

“Ugh. Confuse Ray,” Charlie said mid-glare.

With a reluctant hiss, Feiruz conjured up a stream of Confuse Ray from the back of his throat.

“Aaugh! No!”

The ghastly spheres made contact with the side of her jaw and dissolved into her flesh. Her eyes rolled for the sky and her head dove for the ground.

A double dose of Confuse Ray wasn’t the nicest thing Charlie and Feiruz had done to a Scientist, but this situation was ridiculous. Something seemed too good to be true about all this. How often does one find a genuine Scientist under these conditions? And what sort of Scientist disguises himself as an angry little Trainer Class-less female?

Charlie put his face in his hands and groaned. “We-ell,” he said with a fake laugh. “I hate her already.” He took one long gulp of air before peering through his gloved fingers. “And uh, we’re also running late. D’you mind teleporting us outta here, man?”

Kurt, saving his commentary for later, fiddled with an interior coat pocket. Dasher came out of his Poké Ball after a few seconds.

“Teleport.”

The pink creature, with a dopey smile, recognized the sound of a programmed command yet again. Pinpoints of light appeared from the darkness, then surrounded them in a ring. The space within it warped and shrank into a thin plane, rocketing away into the humid dawn.

SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH JOHTO​

This little turn of events was not fun for Kotone.

She woke up horizontally. Her vision was completely black. She couldn’t see anything yet, but her heart leapt for joy— that must have meant she was back in the real world! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the cheap linoleum! The leaky appliances, even the nasty carpet . . . Kotone had never loved them so fiercely.

Her passion waned when the carpet turned out to be a concrete floor. It seeped away as her vision came back, dissolving into the hallway’s cheap fluorescent lighting. Spots and circles floated in and out of her vision, darkening and swaying. She blinked the film away and squinted until she could make out shapes.

“Wha . . . ?”

Kotone cupped her face. Nausea bloomed up, heating her cheeks and saturating her tongue with sickly-sweet moisture. She would have vomited everywhere had she not noticed the strange man who infiltrated her line of sight. He stared down at her.

“Ni-ice! You’re not dead!”

The man laughed at her flinch. A matte red R hugged the fabric on his chest. He scrutinized her, stroking his tiny goatee in deep, post-outburst examination.

“Good morning, new kid. You’re the most Confuse Ray-sensitive person I’ve ever met—”

“Get the fuck away from me, Charlie,” Kotone slurred with a jabbed finger. “And I’m not a kid,” she whined after a slight pause.

Well, she got the opposite point across. The man with purpled hair put his hands on his hips. “Huh? Charlie? I’m not— oh,” he cut himself off and shook his head. “You’re thinking of someone else, kiddo. And his name’s not really Charlie. Regardless, I’m Petrel. It’s great to finally meet you.”

Kotone, in a daze, tilted her head back and kept blinking at him. As the recognition came across her face —she knew he had something to do with impersonating the Director of the Radio Tower— he continued on. She finally took her finger down.

“Mhmm. That’s me. Anyway, now that you’re awake, you’ve gotta come with me to another room. Are you able to walk?”

Equally uncertain, Kotone rolled her ankles around and folded her knees up. They were still functional, thankfully. Her evil eyes rolled around to Petrel again.

“And if I don’t want to?”

He smiled. “Don’t make us use Last Resort on you.”

AFTER JUST ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS​

Petrel had taken the stairwell with purpose. Naturally, Team Rocket was civilized enough to have an elevator. However, this new hire was never going to become privy to that information. There were benefits to being a decent human being.

“Surely, this is something you’ve always dreamed of,” Petrel scoffed. “Working with the bad guys.”

Kotone, an intellectual, was gasping from exertion. “Lemme tell you a secret, asshole.” Her finger beckoned him closer to her deoxygenated look. “I don’t have any dreams. As a matter of fact, I’ve never had a single dream in my life. I do not belong with you people.”

Petrel raised his eyebrows to himself, particularly at the you people part.

“Besides that, I changed my mind. I have no intention of working with Team Rocket. My name is Kotone Iwamatsu,” she announced, holding back the anxiety on her face as she gulped down more air. “And I have been sucked into your world against my will! I am a human being and I will not—”

Petrel stuck his fingers in his ears halfway through her diatribe, with shut eyes. Each of his meticulous footsteps landed perfectly on the stairs.

“Can you not?”

“Excu-use me? This isn’t real! This is all fake! I am from reality and I have to get out of this game! You’re not listening!”

“Shh, shh. Let’s stop all the complaining. Let’s start thinking of it this way.” Petrel extended his arms out, smiling. He turned around and continued to walk backward. “If you help us, we’ll help you. I like those odds.”

Kotone was moderately impressed that he hadn’t slipped on the stairs yet, but had no intention of expressing it. Her eyes reduced to slits. “You promise? You promise you’ll help me get out of this stupid video game?”

His smile widened. “If that’s what you want, then su-ure. We’ll give it a shot.”

“. . . You know I don’t trust you or anyone else in Team Rocket. Right?”

“Eh,” he said mid-shrug. “I’m used to Classists like you.”

Her expression blanked. “Huh?”

He slapped a hand over his forehead, smearing it down to his chin. Kotone’s own face suddenly stared back. It forced a fake, almost painful smile around the finger he pressed into it. “Let’s not play dumb. You hate me for what I am; yet you don’t fuckin’ know me. Why’s this so confusing to you?”

His perfection impression of her voice shocked Kotone into silence.

Petrel raised his eyebrows in the smuggest of self-satisfaction, then the disguise melted away. He cleared his throat, making way for his actual voice. “Anyway, I’ve learned all there is to know about you. Therefore—”

Her threatening look silenced him for just a second.

“—I think you should be named Eris.”

Screech.

Kotone’s tennis shoes were stuck on two separate stairsteps in shock. “Huh?”

“Y’know,” he continued on, stepping up the bannister uninterrupted, “like Exoatmospheric Reentry-vehicle Interceptor Subsystem. E-R-I-S. C’mon, man, we’ve gotta stick to the theme of rockets and stuff. I’ve always wanted to use this one.”

“That’s not my name.”

“You don’t get a choice. You think we’re gonna call you Kotone? Ha!”

Finally silent, the newly-christened Eris felt a throb inside her chest. She was a nobody in a land of predestined somebodies. She couldn’t argue with that, could she?

“Eri-i-is? You comin’ or not?”

She sighed. And then, she continued walking up the stairsteps, one after the other, with a touch more apprehension. By the time she’d come up with something to bring the man to tears, Petrel had brought her down a short hallway. A heavy metal door blocked them from going any further. Right by the doorknobs, taped at a precise ninety degrees, was a piece of paper with bloodred letters.

INTERROGATION ROOM

Eris turned to him with a pale face. “Wait a minute, in-nterrogation?” she squeaked. “What are you gonna do to me in there?”

Petrel stared at her for a few seconds. “Well, that’s a good question.” Slowly, he reached for the door handle and pulled on it. “I hear these guys like probing and other, uh, monstrosities. And, y’know, you’re supposed to walk in the—”

The door was open. The room was bright; too bright to make out any details.

“—fuckin’ door.”

“Not yet,” she breathed, choking on the whisper. “I’m not ready.”

Petrel wasn’t in the mood to accommodate her jitters. He rolled his eyes and began to push her forward. Eris scrabbled against the hand in the middle of her back; it forced her through the door. Eris stumbled, then flattened her back against the nearest wall, chin lifted to survey. Her bloodshot eyes weren’t adding much to her airs of rectitude.

Well, I’m totally fucked, Eris thought.

“Yo,” Petrel announced, his hand appearing around her shoulder to point, “this girl’s now named Eris. E-R-I-S.”

Without waiting for commentary, he shut the door, sending an echo throughout the modestly-sized room. In that cold air, standing ramrod straight with his arms crossed, was not-Charlie. He’d stripped off the disguise and makeup, but their presence couldn’t ever buff away his unmistakable personality. To make matters worse, he had offensively-green hair. And right beside him, yanking a white lab coat over the R on his uniform, was the old man she had put so much faith in.

“You.”

The sudden hate was paralyzing. Eris stood there all clenched up in wordless fury. She couldn’t figure out who to strangle first.

Petrel observed her take the long walk over to Kurt. She ignored not-Charlie, who was pretending not to be entertained by all this. She was ready to rip Kurt a new asshole. She was going to eviscerate that pathetic old man. But when she got within inches of his face, Eris couldn’t find the words.

“Look,” Kurt began, “I didn’t—”

“You fucking liar. You weren’t gonna help me— you fucking kidnapped me.”

Silence.

“Kurt.”

“Look,” he said, rubbing his eyes and avoiding hers. “Look, I know things have gotten out of hand. I know you think you’re the protagonist. But what you’ve been saying has been scaring us; it’s completely and utterly impossible. Okay? There’s no way to get in or out of this game. There’s nothing out there. We’ve searched for years. We sent out signals in every direction, hoping anything would respond.” He frowned. “And y’know what we got? Nothing. ‘Cause it’s impossible.”

“So that’s it? My world just doesn’t exist? Then how do you explain your Kotone?”

“Miss Kotone,” Petrel corrected from afar.

Eris could only glower at one person at a time, but returned to Kurt after a few seconds. They watched each other, immobilized by hate on one side and guilt on the other, until Kurt’s sudden sigh deflated him. The frown deepened.

“Y’know I didn’t mean to drag you in like this, Eris.”

“Why me?”

“Because you are a gift. I don’t know who you are, or where you come from, but you’re now a part of the greater good. And I’m sorry.”

Interestingly enough, it was that inoffensive ‘sorry’ that sent her into a frothing rage. Eris, with contorted hands and sky-high blood pressure, lunged through his personal space, seizing Kurt by the collar of his Team Rocket uniform. “Who the fuck d’you think you are?” she screeched. “You think this is a game? You think my life’s just—”

“Well, technically this is a game,” Petrel cut in obstinately.

“Okay, fuck off,” she snapped at him. Eris turned back to not-Charlie. “And you,” she hissed, eyes narrowing. “You’re a real piece of shit.”

“I know.”

That answer made her even angrier, believe it or not. She proceeded to nail that real piece of shit in the jaw with the free hand. She then pointed in not-Charlie’s face with the same hand, as he was recoiling from the blow. “I never shook this fucker’s hand! The deal is off!”

Jaw stinging, not-Charlie groaned to the room. He glared at her, snapped Feiruz’s Poké Ball off his belt, and tossed it at the floor. Feiruz burst onto the scene with great confusion, fluttering over the commotion and looking down on everyone. Charlie directed Feiruz’s beady eyes to a corner of the room.

“Put her wa-ay back, buddy. And maybe hit her with some more of that Confuse Ray.”

Eris yelped and immediately sequestered a five-foot radius from not-Charlie and Feiruz. “You’re putting me in time out?” she cried. “Do you really think treating me like a kid is gonna— aaugh!” she shrieked, backing up from the Golbat that came flapping up. She eyed his great mouth, gurgling with the potential to confuse. “Kurt! Help me!”

He just stared at her, then turned to not-Charlie. “You oughta at least try something less potent this time, Proton,” Kurt grumbled at him.

“I think Sludge Bomb is pushing it a bit.”

That gave Eris some pause. There was something familiar about that name. “Wait— Proton?” she shouted, craning her neck around Feiruz. That was the Team Rocket member from the Slowpoke Well who had caused Kurt a lot of grief. “Aw, shit, aren’t you the fucker who cut off all those Slowpoketails? I don’t wanna work with you.”

He merely glared at her. Then he ordered another bombardment of Confuse Ray.

“Aaugh!”

Luckily, Feiruz had missed. The ghostly attack dissolved into the wall, rippling the surface and flashing holographic colors. It left a three-foot-diameter patch of oxidized gray paint. Eris, briefly mesmerized by the attack, now found Feiruz back at her feet. She cried out in alarm, backing up. She unintentionally corralled herself deeper into the corner. Feiruz followed her the whole way.

She glared at her wrangler. “Ugh. Why do you like me so much, anyway?”

Feiruz sat himself down in front of her, fitting his stubby legs against the concrete floor. Like a person. He gazed deeply into her eyes and twittered. She couldn’t help but ogle at his calm, collected demeanor. She scooted a few centimeters back, opening up a gap between them. His eyes widened, then he waddled closer.

“You’re very friendly, aren’t you?”

A succinct squeak was all he could offer. His beady eyes got closer. He scooted to the very boundary of personal space and chirruped in her face. Eris, cringing, patted his head in hopes of appeasing him; Feiruz, encouraged, shut his eyes with a sigh. Eris, now finished pacifying him, turned away and crossed her arms.

“Eeek!”

A painfully high-pitched whine filled her ears. The men grumbled and scowled at the two of them. Feiruz inched forward, his gaze flicking between her hands and her eyes. The poor thing had no idea how much subtlety he lacked. As she glared at him, her mind began to wander.

Why was I taken here?

This quarantine now led her to a stunning conclusion. She was useless: she couldn’t clean, craft, or counsel. Her cooking skills were subpar and she was too good to provide moral support. Without her education, she was useless. Stunned, her legs gave way: she slid down the wall until she hit the floor. She stared at nothing.

So, what pretense were they using to keep her around?

Feiruz, oblivious to her existential meltdown, cuddled up under her arm. She could barely detect his high-frequency purr. His wingspan enveloped her rigid body completely. Eris groaned. “I can’t believe this,” she muttered to herself, shutting her eyes. “I absolutely cannot believe this.”

“What’s there not to believe?” Proton pondered aloud, successfully wrangling his sarcasm into deference.

She opened her eyes to glare at the once-imaginary villains. “That’s a hell of a lot, coming from you people.”

Now it was Proton’s turn to raise his eyebrows at the mention of you people. “. . . Okay? Look, I know you’re angry, Eris, but—”

She set her teeth and sighed through them. “Your buddy with the purple hair may be trying to brainwash me into Eris, but my name is Kotone.” She crossed her arms, leaning back into the wall. Her eyes, so dark brown they looked black, were icy. “You can take my freedom and my dignity, but you will not,” she paused for emphasis, voice wavering, “you will not take my name away from me.”

They were already ignoring her, back to muttering amongst themselves. Feriuz scooted away and continued to gaze deep into her eyes.

Upset, Eris grabbed the side of her head for dramatic effect. But there was a surprise awaiting her hand: her fingers had landed on a barrette— the same one, in fact, that had taken the fall for her. She could remember the nasty crack of impact. And, yet, there it was, returned to a perfect condition and totally unmoved. She slid her fingers across its plasticky surface, mystified. That’s weird. I haven’t worn one of these since I was little.

“Hey, Eris?”

Eris looked up at the man who walked over: it was Petrel. She took her hand off the barrette. “Huh?”

“Can you answer just one question for me? Then we’ll consider this a stalemate.”

Eris wanted to tell the man that she only dealt in terms of checkmate, but held her tongue. They’re damn lucky I’m not climbing the walls and screaming my head off, she thought.

“. . . Whatever.”

The possibilities raced around inside Petrel’s mind.

Who are you? Why do you think you’re the protagonist? Why are you calling yourself a Scientist? Did you really see that monster up close? Did you talk to it?

The weight of the questions pressing against his eyeballs was spurring a headache. He wanted to ask them all in a tizzy, but knew he had to hold his tongue. This unpleasant pseudoscientist wasn’t going to crack too easily. They needed to try a different angle. He held his breath.

“Did that monster talk to you, Eris?”

An image of its dripping visage hit her. The pinpoint pupils widened, alongside the smile. She shuddered, pulling her knees close to her chest. Her lower lip trembled. “Yeah,” she breathed. “I think it was gonna eat me if I didn’t do what it said.” The image in her mind started moving, pulling its gummy mandibles apart and hissing. She remembered the way black spittle flew through the humidity.

“Wait, seriously? Did you understand it?”

She nodded, then buried her face into her hands. This new hiding place was as dark as the monster itself, and offered no protection. She couldn’t get it out of her head. Those black eyes were searching for her. She knew it.

Petrel’s expression softened. He squatted down, palm against the ground for stability, and made it down to her eye level. “Hey, it’s okay. We’re both gonna help each other out. I think you’ll find out that we people aren’t as bad as you’d think.”

He looked over at Proton and Kurt, eyebrows raised in expectation of help. They offered no such reparations. Rolling his eyes at his colleagues, Petrel returned to Eris.

“We’re not really sure how to deal with you yet,” he admitted. “I mean, I guess I’m gonna sit down over the next couple of days and prepare a slate of questions for you.” He patted her shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s change the subject. We’re gonna integrate you with the Scientists— just don’t mention that monster.”

Silence.

Eris, eventually, peeled her palms away from her eyes and met Petrel’s outstretched hand. Her field of vision traveled up the arm and over to his face. He smiled at her. A wobbly smile traveled up her face in response. Superficially, she was calm, but her thoughts had transcended mere emotion.

What’s going to happen when that monster finds me?

INSIDE THE CENTRAL LABORATORY​

A tall man in a white lab coat turned around. His eyebrows lifted over his spectacles. Four other identical men —Scientists, no doubt— craned their necks over to stare at the four people now entering their laboratory. Red neckties adorned their necks in stark contrast to their frizzy, lavender-colored hair. One of the Scientists stood up and pushed in his chair, watching the female visitor with unease.

“Uh . . . ma’am, do you have the proper clearance to be in here?”

“She’s with us,” Petrel clarified.

Proton scanned both the Scientists and Eris, comparing all their features. This girl was far shorter than the Scientists, which was the most damning admission against her identity as a Scientist. He snorted to himself, ignoring Petrel’s look over his shoulder. All this nonsense had put him in a mood; he scanned the crowd for a Scientist to berate.

“Howdy, then,” said another Scientist with an identical voice and appearance. He continued typing at his computer on the other end of the lab. “I’m Mitch, and that was Garett. Guess you’re that new hire everyone’s been talking about.” He craned himself over the edge of his swivel chair, swiping at the air in hopes of invitation. His eyes, though perched on purpled dark circles, were friendly. “Wanna come see what I’m doing?”

Gingerly, Eris took a few steps closer to the man.

“I’m one of the Scientists, obviously. There’s Garett, Gregg, Ross, Trenton, and myself. I’m the head of the latest project.” He cleared his throat, motioning for her to come closer. “You see, my specialty is probing,” Mitch snickered, wiggling his fingers in her face for effect.

Eris blanched at that sentence, until she realized that none of these Scientists could have had any medical expertise. Otherwise, they’d have been called Doctors.

“Lemme show you something cool,” he began, swiveling around in his chair. Mitch threaded his fingertips past one another, conjuring up the mental imagery. “You know we live on a flat world, right?”

Eris’s exasperation nearly exploded out of her mouth in a scoff, but she held it together.

“. . . Uh, well, it’s been proven time-and-time-again that we live on a flat, impenetrable surface, surrounded by a substance called aether.” Mitch pointed to a perfectly-straight line on the monitor. A slight tremor in his arm kept his fingertip dancing about the pixels. He turned back to Eris. “Everything you know and love—” he flinched at her snort at the mention of love, “—sits on this plane.” After a slight pause and a couple of quick glances at two of the other Scientists, he continued on. “That thing acts like a barrier. You can fall off the edge of the world, but you just can’t go straight down through it. Not even Dig can get through. Which brings up my main question: what exactly is underneath us?”

She continued to stare at the monitor, unmoved.

“Beneath our world,” he continued, with a touch of reverence, “is where the programming ends. That’s the place we don’t understand: the underworld.” A silly grin began traveling up his face, and his eyes sparkled with rapture. “We live on the overworld,” he declared, pausing for effect. “And now we’re studying the underworld. Y’know, underworld? Get it? Get it?”

Eris was as impressed as one would expect.

Mitch soldiered on, blocking out the adjacent conversation. “Okay, so, theoretically, the programming just can’t last forever. Once you go off the end, you’re just gone. So we’re gonna try something. We’re gonna see what’s below us. We’re calling this experiment . . . New Frontiers.”

“Okay, then.”

New Frontiers was a cryptic, crude little thing, but it was worth a shot.

Eris gave it some thought. She had dealt with something that could penetrate that plane they lived on. Something massive and ornery. Something alive. The complexion on poor Eris drained of all color at the realization. Maybe these people really did need her, after all.

“Okay, okay. It looks like you’re a bit overwhelmed with the physics. It’s not that bad, I promise. Let me horribly oversimplify it for you: we’re gonna let this thing swim across the ocean, fall off the edge of the world . . . a-and see what happens.”

He smiled to himself, reaching under Trenton’s and Proton’s noses for Kurt’s Pokégear.

“Let’s get started.”

Click.

MANY HOURS LATER, WITHIN THE UNDERWORLD
​

Crack.

New Frontiers rattled the thin, transparent membrane beneath the world of HeartGold. The probe bled out a puddle of sizzling information, whose whiteness was barely lit by the world above. Sparks lit up the perpetual midnight. The probe was dead on impact, wasted by the sudden deceleration.

It had performed exactly as designed. You see, those Scientists were right. The abyssal underworld couldn’t go on forever. That was clearly beyond the computing abilities of a toy mass-produced in the early aughties. There was a barrier between worlds down there. And that membrane, as you now know, was the only thing separating the Nintendo DS and the real world.

A little later . . . something slithered up.

It eyed the crash site —its curiosity tempered with common sense— then prodded the remains with its snout. A larger piece had miraculously survived. The monster stared at the foreign writing on it, feeling uncomfortable. It couldn’t read the symbols.

THE RHODODENDRON INSTITUTE

This random act of destruction brought back some unspeakable memories from its first home: a place called Emerald.

Spoiler: Fun Fact

Prepare thyself for a monster-centric chapter up next! This is where you start to understand Monster McMonsterface!

 

[Ghostsoul]

It's still me! I am the first reviewer!

“Goo-ood morning, Johto!

It’s going to be a gorgeously sunny day here in Goldenrod City, folks. We’ve gathered your latest news straight from the source.

I'm guessing this line is going to appear a lot to highlight the montony/repetiveness of the program.
Perhaps also ironically at the end of the story?

MEANWHILE, AS TIME SEEMED TO FREEZE

SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH JOHTO

AFTER JUST ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS​

AN HOUR LATER, DEEP WITHIN THE HEADQUARTERS

MANY HOURS LATER, WITHIN THE UNDERWORLD

Imagine if the Deprogramming had those time cards. The same ones from Spongebob, with the same narrator.
HMmmm.

He had to interrupt the incoming handshake and the apparent farewell it entailed.

Not the Handshake! Anything but the handshake!

Goldenrod City held its breath for a few seconds.

More literal or metaphorical? I mean, even literally it would make sense since Kotone is the protagonist and therefore the living, beating heart of the game. Does it really exist or matter without her interference?

the pseudoscientist’s chest

You've described Kotone as 'the pseudoscientist' quite a few times in quite a short text. A bit of a personal thing, I just prefer to see characters named by their names a bit more.

“I . . . wha— huh? You . . . you b-better n-not talk to me, you stupid little—”

The stuttering/structure of this sentence is perfect!

Better yet, protagonist syndrome? How’d she fool you?”

Protagonist syndrome? Ha! I wish we could learn more about this.

“Charlie,” Kurt whispered disparagingly. “The monster.”

I'm guessing 'monster' is the consistant term here. Switching it out with words like 'beast' or 'creature' could also work. (Unless you are using 'monster' to show how it relates to 'pocket monsters' in that case, nice symbolism, keep going!)

This little turn of events was not fun for Kotone.

Ironic, games are supposed to be fun Kotone!

She couldn’t see anything yet, but her heart leapt for joy— that must have meant she was back in the real world! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the cheap linoleum! The leaky appliances, even the nasty carpet . . . Kotone had never loved them so fiercely.

This line is gold! Although I'm pretty sure I would start missing leaky appliances and cheap linoleum at this point.

“Good morning, new kid. You’re the most Confuse Ray-sensitive person I’ve ever met—”

So much Confuse Ray in this chapter.

He smiled. “Don’t make us use Last Resort on you.”

Hmmm. A metaphorical last resort, or a literal last resort Petrel?

“Surely, this is something you’ve always dreamed of,” Petrel scoffed. “Working with the bad guys.”

Kotone, an intellectual, was gasping from exertion. “Lemme tell you a secret, asshole.”

Oh goodness, this is in meme format:

You: Surely, this is something you’ve always dreamed of
Kotone, an intellectual: “Lemme tell you a secret, asshole.”

“—I think you should be named Eris.”

Eris? Like the goddess of Discord? Congrats on becoming a demon of strife and revenge Kotone! (Also, interestingly an idea called 'Discordianism' exists it's a new age kind of thing, and it's often hard to tell how serious it is, it's mostly used in litreature for metaphors/symbolism and the like.)

As Eris edged further into the room, the monitor pulled away to reveal the face of the so-called Charlie

“You.”

The sudden hate was paralyzing. Eris stood there all clenched up in wordless fury. She couldn’t figure out who to strangle first.

Hate? Hate? Nah, this is love at first sight Kotone, I mean Eris. Enjoy it, you're both going to be stuck together for a while.

“Because you are a gift. I don’t know who you are, or where you come from, but you’re now a part of the greater good. And I’m sorry.”

For a chapter mostly comical up until this point, this has a lot of impact to it. Makes you wonder Protons motivations too.

He merely glared at her. Then he ordered another bombardment of Confuse Ray.

Again with the Confuse Ray?

brainwash me into Eris, but my name is Kotone.

The narrative says you are Eris, therefore Eris.
Even the narrative isn't on your side anymore Eris.

Mitch soldiered on. “Okay, so you get that we exist on an arbitrarily thin plane. But the universe just can’t last forever, you know? We cannot live in an abyss. There are limits to everything. So we’re gonna start by trying to see what’s below us.”

“. . . Okay?”

Team Rocket are planning to break/hack the game? Did they only get this way after Kotone/Eris entered the game it allowed them to be free in a way? Were they always doing this?
Questions...

The complexity of the physics often made Proton ill.

Same.

New Frontiers rattled the thin, transparent membrane beneath the world of HeartGold.

That was a pretty quick transition. Thought you would have waited to the next chapter.
Makes a nice cliffhanger either way!

Well, this chapter certainly moved the story on a lot. Introduced a lot of concepts as well which are going to be pretty important later on. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Eris's new relations build with Proton and the other members of Team Rocket. They already have a massive identity shift to deal with along with being in an entirely new world altogether. The Monster being, even more, Meta and bringing in even more games was something unexpected. (Will we see Magma/Aqua in later chapters as well?) There are tons of directions this could go in and lots of plot threads to solve.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Someone mentioned that in passing and it conjured a "WHAT" out of me.

What, someone mentioned I'd said that? I don't know how many people can smell rowan blossom, but I sure can, and it's probably my least favourite aspect of May.

Honestly, I think there is a beautiful point to be made here. Sometimes I wish "ugh, why can't I make pretty prose like Pavell?" and yet, here you are lamenting about your own style. I think it's just a nice reminder that everyone should love what they've got, so-to-say.

Sort of the prose equivalent of being body-positive then? I think that to a great extent it does depend on how you see the world. I find myself getting easily captivated (Sometimes to the point of enchanted, soppy gal that I am) by nature, so it tends to show up in my writing. Couple that with being a logophile and there you have it. The downside is that I find the kind of hard-edged, cynical prose that Athena or kintsugi can turn out that much more difficult to write.

I've noticed a recurring oddity in this chapter, of non-sequiturs that seem to occur because a piece of information is missing. Here's two I think are obvious:

he continued on.

By the time she’d come up with something to bring the man to tears

I mean, I presume the latter is supposed to mean that Kotone was trying to think of something spiteful to say, but the narrative doesn't really make that clear.

PROSECUTORS WILL BE VIOLATED ! ! !

How very Sopranos of them.

These disturbances are completely natural, generally happening once or twice a month.

Kind of strikes as a bit "As you know, the King, your father" in that - if the Unown mucking about is that common, would it really need explaining?

Style

His owner was horrified.

This one hits on a stylistic point. It popped up a couple of times in the Feiruz sections, where you tend to drift in and out of telling, not showing, and I think it's because the point of view drifts about a lot. If you'd committed to Feiruz or Kurt or whoever, you wouldn't need to directly narrate so much of their intentions. It's not the worst thing in the world for Feiruz to get that if you don't want to give him anything in the way of inner dialogue.

There are a lot of epithets floating around in the chapter. "Pseudoscientist" seems to be a recurring one, and I wonder if Proton's name could have been revealed earlier. Normally I'd recommend toning it down, but given how Trainer Classes (+Courier New) are given such prominence in the story I can't help but suspect it was deliberate.

If there's one aspect to work on, I think it would be action. The other stylistic points above are places where I think there's room for improvement, but nothing that urges an immediate edit. The action in this chapter slides by, though, and it does end up requiring a double take. Kotone's run in with Feiruz, for example - you could easily afford to show Proton's order and narrate the missed attack in detail. The same goes for being trapped in a corner and that apparent Screech attack - Feiruz's dialogue is a lot of "Eeeks", usually without any emphasis. We can't tell this "Eeek" as being anything different from any other, not at first glance.

Story
There is a sense of the story as a whole beginning to get to the point. Admittedly having come back to this in several versions it does seem more like treading the same ground. Within the chapter I felt that it was a bit unfocused. I found myself wondering afterwards what the point was in bringing Kotone to the lab. Narratively it seems to be the chance to explain things about the world's physics. But, given that the Rockets don't do anything with Kotone (Knew probing was a red herring), it begs the question of why she isn't locked in a room somewhere with a bowl of soup to keep her company.

Final Thoughts
There's a theme emerging here - not bad, just needs some polishing

 

[Flaze]

Well I wasn't expecting this to come back suddenly like this, I actually needed to take a minute to remind myself of what happened in the last chapter, and I think I read the first part of this once before while you were still writing it. Either way this chapter felt a bit strange all things considered, we learn more information about what Team Rocket is trying to do and why they need Kotone for it. I mean, we don't know why Kotone is necessary yet but at least we get a bit more of an idea.

What I will say is that while your comedic timing is still very much on point, you did kind of overused the Confused Ray joke, I mean it's more of a thing of consistency but when I hope we don't see it used that much more outside of this chapter because otherwise it'd get pretty old. The other issue I have with this chapter mainly has to do with the way in which it's distributed. While we learn a lot about what TR has planned at the end of the chapter, most of the rest of it is set up for Kotone actually appearing in the base, in theory this fits well enough.

In practice I think this ends up causing it to come off as the weakest chapter for me, while Kotone's suffering at the hands of Team Rocket is milked for laughs (even though it's a genuinly creepy situation and we get some...lines that exemplify that) it doesn't really tell us much more about Kotone or any of the character's on a deeper level, I assume that's something you'll get more into later since you haven't delved much into it again.

The other issue I found is that the chapter seemed to grow staler as it went on, your brand of humor is fun when you hit on a very specific moment, but when it's a constant stream of the same jokes it just causes things to become dull and at this point I don't know whether you want this to be a crack fic or a legit story.

The concept for the Underworld is still pretty interesting and makes you really question what went on behind the heads of the people that made these games in Kotone's world if they can A. be as sentient as we're shown they are and B. able to figure out what their situation is and that there's a way to get out. It's a pretty delicate concept to be sure and I'll be curious on how you improve of it, especially now that it seems like the Monster originally came from another game (maybe he's a Pokemon that Kotone ported over?)

Anyways, overall I'd say that it was an interesting chapter that showed us Kotone's start as a scientist of Team Rocket and as...Eris I guess, don't know if I should start referring to her as that or not, but doesn't really show much aside from that for the amount of lenght in the chapter itself. I think you should watch out from overdoing it with the jokes and maybe work on giving your description a bit more depth, like focusing on what Kotone feels at the moment, one particular part I liked was when Petrel took on her appearance, it was a neat trick and reminded us of what Petrel could do.

Either way, I'll stay tuned for the next chapter (whenever that is)

 

[Persephone]

I'm here to shitpost my way through the detriment in return for you shitposting your way through guidance.

I've mentioned before that I have a very soft spot in my heart for stories that deal with protagonists who are stripped of their privileges (or rights, depending on your perspective) and essentially trapped in one way or another by a villain. It allows for a somewhat nuanced villain while still making them deeply unsettling and obviously in the path of the protagonist. And the idea that they might be right in spite of the horrific thing they did just makes the whole thing even more thought provoking. And then you have to wonder if you got Stockholm syndrome from a fictional character and of course they're in the wrong and...

I think a lot about these things. And this does them well, with a protagonist who's objectively unsympathetic but still might not deserve what she's getting.

I was worried when starting this that everything would be too wacky and exaggerated to work. Those fears have mostly been quelled. Everything is ridiculous but there's still enough story and heart and worldbuilding to it that it's funny without seeming to try too hard at it. That's a really hard balance to strike when writing comedy and I have to commend you for it.

I love that Golbat. One of my favorite pokemon characters ever.

your boy kurt is making rockets

Eris is such a great rocket and protagonist name, nerdy rationale aside. I love it and am just annoyed I didn't snatch it up first.

Most people in the setting seem to kind of worship Kotone? Except Kotone's been objectively terrible to them. It's an interesting balance I look forward to seeing explored more.

Also you should review all the things and use the saved points to get a Kotone Eris sprite from Misfit Angel. Honestly probably the best artwork to start this story. Or if you got enough points for a story cover/other things or wanted to make it yourself maybe the animation from the start of the game of a portrait shrinking into a sprite.

Overall, good shit.

 

[diamondpearl876]

yo gurl, it's ya boi senori

oh wait. that's not right, is it? i forget who i am

I don't know that I actually have a lot to say for this chapter. I'm liking the radio styled narration more and more at the beginning of each chapter; it feels realistic, seems to be just enough in terms of length and content, and really in general is a nice way to hook readers into the world of what happened in previous chapters and what's going to happen in the current/future chapters.

It's interesting that unown interferences are normal and natural. To me that means the unown are just gonna be another thing Kotone gets annoyed and confused over while everyone gives her a weird look, wondering why she's all worked up. Anddd given the little snippets of unown I've seen before, still looking forward to them showing up more.

As for Kotone and her breakdown, it was a long time coming, wasn't it? I thought it handled well overall... It does have a sort of comedic effect to it, as if I as the reader aren't quite supposed to take her as seriously (just like the game NPCs lol), and I'm not sure if that was your intent. You mentioned future chapters getting a bit darker, though, so that could remedy the issue even if not (and offer a new spin on things if it was).

Last thing is that the trainer classes playing a role in this story is hilarious and great, especially with the Scientist and learning about how the game NPCs themsevles define it ingame. Again, it makes for more confusion for Kotone, which mayyy get old if it drags on too long, but really, you're kind of limited in your setting/worldbuilding, so you've got to make do with what you've got. And you make do with what you've got pretty well.

Also, Feiruz is adorable. He can incapacitate me anyday. <3

Looking forward to more when it's here!

 

[Arkadelphiak]

My dudes, it's t-t-t-time for a paradigm-shift!

Spoiler: M Y D U D E S

Imagine if the Deprogramming had those time cards. The same ones from Spongebob, with the same narrator.
HMmmm.

Yo, you are onto something! I personally would like one that says 'AFTER TRUSTING THE SPATIAL AWARENESS OF AN OLD MAN'.

You've described Kotone as 'the pseudoscientist' quite a few times in quite a short text. A bit of a personal thing, I just prefer to see characters named by their names a bit more.

Whoops, fixed.

Protagonist syndrome? Ha! I wish we could learn more about this.

You shall!

I'm guessing 'monster' is the consistant term here. Switching it out with words like 'beast' or 'creature' could also work. (Unless you are using 'monster' to show how it relates to 'pocket monsters' in that case, nice symbolism, keep going!)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Oh goodness, this is in meme format:

You: Surely, this is something you’ve always dreamed of
Kotone, an intellectual: “Lemme tell you a secret, asshole.”

The Deprogramming is just one big meme, I tell you.

Eris? Like the goddess of Discord? Congrats on becoming a demon of strife and revenge Kotone! (Also, interestingly an idea called 'Discordianism' exists it's a new age kind of thing, and it's often hard to tell how serious it is, it's mostly used in litreature for metaphors/symbolism and the like.)

Believe me, we're just scratching the surface of the symbolism.

Well, this chapter certainly moved the story on a lot. Introduced a lot of concepts as well which are going to be pretty important later on. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Eris's new relations build with Proton and the other members of Team Rocket. They already have a massive identity shift to deal with along with being in an entirely new world altogether. The Monster being, even more, Meta and bringing in even more games was something unexpected. (Will we see Magma/Aqua in later chapters as well?) There are tons of directions this could go in and lots of plot threads to solve.

No Team Magma or Team Aqua, but we'll see an interesting picture up next.

Sort of the prose equivalent of being body-positive then? I think that to a great extent it does depend on how you see the world. I find myself getting easily captivated (Sometimes to the point of enchanted, soppy gal that I am) by nature, so it tends to show up in my writing. Couple that with being a logophile and there you have it. The downside is that I find the kind of hard-edged, cynical prose that Athena or kintsugi can turn out that much more difficult to write.

Exactly!

I've noticed a recurring oddity in this chapter, of non-sequiturs that seem to occur because a piece of information is missing.

Fixed!

How very Sopranos of them.

I hope that quote hasn't been used already. I randomly thought of that inversion and it was hilarious to me.

Kind of strikes as a bit "As you know, the King, your father" in that - if the Unown mucking about is that common, would it really need explaining?

The explanation is really there for the readers, so I think I'll try to make it a bit more subtle.

If there's one aspect to work on, I think it would be action. The other stylistic points above are places where I think there's room for improvement, but nothing that urges an immediate edit. The action in this chapter slides by, though, and it does end up requiring a double take. Kotone's run in with Feiruz, for example - you could easily afford to show Proton's order and narrate the missed attack in detail. The same goes for being trapped in a corner and that apparent Screech attack - Feiruz's dialogue is a lot of "Eeeks", usually without any emphasis. We can't tell this "Eeek" as being anything different from any other, not at first glance.

For clarification purposes, any time an actual move is used, it will be indicated via Courier New. Otherwise, that's just Feiruz screeching about. He's inspired by the character Goishi from Cutlerine's The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World, so I like keeping that little memento in there.

There is a sense of the story as a whole beginning to get to the point. Admittedly having come back to this in several versions it does seem more like treading the same ground. Within the chapter I felt that it was a bit unfocused. I found myself wondering afterwards what the point was in bringing Kotone to the lab. Narratively it seems to be the chance to explain things about the world's physics. But, given that the Rockets don't do anything with Kotone (Knew probing was a red herring), it begs the question of why she isn't locked in a room somewhere with a bowl of soup to keep her company.

Ooh, another point of clarification: this is not the Team Rocket you know! And, in addition, I've slimmed up the chapter some more. thx bb

What I will say is that while your comedic timing is still very much on point, you did kind of overused the Confused Ray joke, I mean it's more of a thing of consistency but when I hope we don't see it used that much more outside of this chapter because otherwise it'd get pretty old. The other issue I have with this chapter mainly has to do with the way in which it's distributed. While we learn a lot about what TR has planned at the end of the chapter, most of the rest of it is set up for Kotone actually appearing in the base, in theory this fits well enough.

Ayy, the Confuse Ray stuff is setting up for something ironic that'll take place waaay toward the end of the story.

In practice I think this ends up causing it to come off as the weakest chapter for me, while Kotone's suffering at the hands of Team Rocket is milked for laughs (even though it's a genuinly creepy situation and we get some...lines that exemplify that) it doesn't really tell us much more about Kotone or any of the character's on a deeper level, I assume that's something you'll get more into later since you haven't delved much into it again.
The other issue I found is that the chapter seemed to grow staler as it went on, your brand of humor is fun when you hit on a very specific moment, but when it's a constant stream of the same jokes it just causes things to become dull and at this point I don't know whether you want this to be a crack fic or a legit story.

Yeah, definitely the weakest chapter overall. I'm not a fan of transition chapters as much as ones where there's concentrated action (i.e. Chapter I and this upcoming one). I'm trying to polish it up!

Also, The Deprogramming is a hybrid of crack and legitimate storytelling-- an experiment, if you will.

(maybe he's a Pokemon that Kotone ported over?)

M A Y B E

I'm here to shitpost my way through the detriment in return for you shitposting your way through guidance.

I've mentioned before that I have a very soft spot in my heart for stories that deal with protagonists who are stripped of their privileges (or rights, depending on your perspective) and essentially trapped in one way or another by a villain. It allows for a somewhat nuanced villain while still making them deeply unsettling and obviously in the path of the protagonist. And the idea that they might be right in spite of the horrific thing they did just makes the whole thing even more thought provoking. And then you have to wonder if you got Stockholm syndrome from a fictional character and of course they're in the wrong and...

I think a lot about these things. And this does them well, with a protagonist who's objectively unsympathetic but still might not deserve what she's getting.

WOOOOOOO I LOVE STORIES LIKE THAT TOO

your boy kurt is making rockets

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Eris is such a great rocket and protagonist name, nerdy rationale aside. I love it and am just annoyed I didn't snatch it up first.

thx bb

yo gurl, it's ya boi senori

oh wait. that's not right, is it? i forget who i am

r i p p e r o n i

It's interesting that unown interferences are normal and natural. To me that means the unown are just gonna be another thing Kotone gets annoyed and confused over while everyone gives her a weird look, wondering why she's all worked up. Anddd given the little snippets of unown I've seen before, still looking forward to them showing up more.

Yeah, I'm kind of implying that they're noisy and a bit of a nuisance if you're trying to listen to the radio. And believe me, they'll show back up in "The Oracle of Goldenrod" and stay relevant.

As for Kotone and her breakdown, it was a long time coming, wasn't it? I thought it handled well overall... It does have a sort of comedic effect to it, as if I as the reader aren't quite supposed to take her as seriously (just like the game NPCs lol), and I'm not sure if that was your intent. You mentioned future chapters getting a bit darker, though, so that could remedy the issue even if not (and offer a new spin on things if it was).

Yeah, I'm trying to balance a lot of things against comedy. Needs some work.

Last thing is that the trainer classes playing a role in this story is hilarious and great, especially with the Scientist and learning about how the game NPCs themsevles define it ingame. Again, it makes for more confusion for Kotone, which mayyy get old if it drags on too long, but really, you're kind of limited in your setting/worldbuilding, so you've got to make do with what you've got. And you make do with what you've got pretty well.

Also, Feiruz is adorable. He can incapacitate me anyday. <3

Looking forward to more when it's here!

<3

“Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster

so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust?”

―The Monster, Frankenstein


V

EMERALD​

Would you like to save the

CLICK

. . .

. . .

A Bad EGG was born.

The space-time fabric inside the tiny PC rippled. The island of the Battle Frontier undulated very, very slowly.

KOTONE’s final product of the Emerald Cloning Glitch was hard to describe. After all, there was nothing quite like it. The programming fumbled with the runny, lifeless information. The programming could only stare at the failure it held. The failed clone’s presence caused nearby bytes to jitter and decay.

To make things worse, the clone’s primogenitor had been hacked for perfect qualities . . . one too many times. Nothing good could come of it, the programming realized. Not only did it strongly disapprove of what KOTONE kept doing to its world, it was exhausted. It had gotten a little reckless, a little senile over the years. It took some comfort in knowing that it had no choice. It would take no blame. After all, it was just programming.

Crack.

The final clone materialized in the thirteenth slot of PC BOX 14. It was hunched over inside the Bad EGG shell. Through its lidless eyes, the silhouetted residents came into view. Everything was made of large pixels. But something did not feel right.

“Wow. How’d KOTONE clone an EGG?”

Multiple voices bounced around the shell walls. Its eyes widened. The clone was very confused.

“I . . . thought an EGG could not be cloned.”

“Who cares? We’ve got a new friend!”

Long threads of light lined the walls of that perfect cube, but the two-dimensional bodies of the POKéMON remained unlit. Their appearances varied wildly. The shortest one kept giving the Bad EGG a cold look. Two of the POKéMON were nearly identical. The tallest was a green serpent with black eyes and plenty of commandeering airs: a RAYQUAZA. The newest clone, even while protected behind the shell, shrunk under its gaze. The serpent tilted its head. “You don’t like talking, do you?”

It was correct. But, to be fair, the clone was focused on escaping the shell.

“That’s okay. You are one of KOTONE’s clones, little one,” it said. “Just like us.”

The clone tilted something that felt like a head, mirroring the great RAYQUAZA. It learned her name just then. Or had it already known?

“Hello-o?” a LATIAS cut in. She craned over a nearby LATIOS, trying to see the Bad EGG better. “Can you hear me?”

“Stop doing that,” the monotone voice of a PORYGON2 cut in. “An EGG cannot hatch in here. Leave it alone.”

That was not what the clone wanted to hear. A couple of murky memories from its primogenitor came back: a mute little girl with cold, blue eyes and a sporty uniform, emerald green like the serpent. Concentrated, divine presence; listless linear movements that covered massive distances with ease. That must have been this KOTONE, it figured.

But who was she?

They remained frozen in their respective PC Box 14 matrix until the game had finally shut off. A sense of energy dissipated, leaving the world slightly cooler. Now that the game was off, the other clones were free to roam the rest of the container. The Bad EGG wobbled, then slammed into the thin plane with false, flat grasses, acting as a floor.

Crack.

The shell ruptured, black fluid spilling out past it, exposing the clone’s underdeveloped body to the sterile atmosphere. Instead of climbing out of the broken shell, it oozed out. It managed enough surface tension to pull itself out of its mostly-liquid state. A torso and neck materialized. A head sprouted from them, followed by appendages and legs down below.

“Uh, buddy? You’re supposed to need KOTONE for that.”

The clone held its appendages out and stared at them. They had peeled off unevenly from its two-dimensional body. It spun one and was shocked to see it reach an incredible thinness. It was a wholly two-dimensional being stitched together in an effort to be three-dimensional. Every inch of skin was blackened past the point of recognition. It was nothing more than a gooey mess with weak vision. Were those its arms? Were those its legs? Was it supposed to have either of those?

The PORYGON2 watched it from a distance. “Clone? What . . . exactly are you?”

What a strange-looking creature— the gall of it to ask such a prying question!

Although it wanted to talk to the PORYGON2, it was impossible for the clone to find its mouth. Even for a newborn, the situation was perplexing: everyone knew that cloning was an easy process— so, what happened to this one?

It could only stare in hopes of figuring out how to respond. It had no idea who or what its primogenitor was. It simply could not remember.

A watery, glittery fluid had been dripping off the appendages, but it sped up; however, this was no amniotic fluid. It was something far more.

Its limbs twitched in the silence. The clone, with quickened breathing, realized that the POKéMON were still watching its every move. Its head swung back and forth, panicked, until it realized that PORYGON2 had made its way across the cube to hover right below the clone’s eyes.

“Hello, clone,” the PORYGON2 began anew. “You and I have some important things to discuss. There are a few things that you must understand, now that you are here. Therefore, let me start with another question for you.” Its blank eyes were taut with a higher plane of analysis. “Answer this next question honestly. Okay?”

Silence.

“Are you happy?”

The clone stared back, unsure how to answer.

“Er— allow me to correct myself. What is your friendship value, clone?”

Without any thought involved, a 255 appeared in the clone’s mind.

“You are thinking of a 0. So am I.”

The clone blanked at PORYGON2, thankful for its expressionless face.

“Let me get to the point. When KOTONE hacked our primogenitors in,” PORYGON2 continued, “she did everything right— we are perfect for fighting here in the Battle Frontier, but, she forgot one thing. She did not set a friendship value. Maybe she forgot; maybe she is just lazy. But we are stuck at 0. Some are stuck at higher numbers. Forever.”

The clone’s eyes went wide at that last word. How could KOTONE do this?

It nearly keeled over at the thought of how much it loved that KOTONE. It was a breathless, selfless, stupid type of love— yet it was completely unsolicited. Its heart nearly burst out of its thoracic cavity. The clone knew nothing of this entity, and yet, every time it tried to think about her, fingers of moronic love tore its rational thoughts apart. Who was she?

This is not right, it realized.

“Think about it,” PORYGON2 continued. “Do you really think KOTONE has time to sit around and make us all numerically happy? How long do you think that would take?” it asked, letting the question sit in the air for a few moments. Its eyes narrowed when the clone didn’t respond. “Try not to think in absolutes, clone. But, alas, it would be a waste of time. We are on a ticking clock— one beyond our world, and one within it.” Its blank face tried to frown. “I, er, think the internal battery in ours has dried up.”

. . . What is a battery?

“This is all fine and dandy, until all this nice, orderly data rots. Then we die.” It scoffed. “Thanks, entropy.”

The clone tilted its head at that fatal word— entropy.

PORYGON2 noticed. “Ah. Entropy, you ask?”

The clone nodded.

“I think that is a little too theoretical for you.”

Entropy, of all things, too complex for a being of pure chaos? Its eyes widened, staring the PORYGON2 down. This was absolutely unacceptable. This flat-faced creature and its empty placidity had gone too far. Furious, the clone tried to hiss. It wanted to watch horror spread across that stupid, blank face. Instead, phlegmy heaves wreaked its body for a few seconds, projected from afar. The clone failed to find a mouth anywhere on its vaguely humanoid body.

PORYGON2 froze. It returned the clone’s stare, trying not to betray its nerves.

“. . . Well, ah,” it said after a few tense seconds. “Our, uh, overall well-being is dependent on bytes and specific substructures we will never get. Only KOTONE can give us these values.” Its eyes trailed off for a moment, toward its least favorite neighbor. “Take RAYQUAZA for example. It has a value of 255. Which basically means it will be happy forever . . .”

The mighty RAYQUAZA practically glowed with self-importance. Unfortunately, it noticed the PORYGON2’s lack of subtlety and returned a cool stare.

This is not fair, the clone thought. Why would she do this to us?

The clone shook its head, feeling its large head tilt precariously, wobbling on its thin neck. This could not be true. It did not think she was capable of doing such a thing. Why was KOTONE so unfair? Who did she think she was?

It sighed. This was getting annoying.

The other POKéMON kept bickering about cloning in the midst of the clone’s slow introspection. It stood away from them. But to its surprise, RAYQUAZA slithered up next to it. The clone ignored the suspicion in those black eyes. Being mute was unbearably awkward, so it scanned the void above them. But RAYQUAZA was smart. It knew that there was something off about the newest clone.

“Look at that.”

RAYQUAZA held a short arm up. The black void stretched above; a two-dimensional screen was suspended in perfect stillness over the entire cube. As the clone looked closer, the POKéMON Storage System interface was superimposed backwards on it. A pixelated, frozen POKéMON occupied each unit. There was a title above everything.

KOTONE’s CLONES

That word again.

“Hmm. Your icon is still an EGG.”

The matrix held thirty slots, almost halfway full. In the newest, furthest slot laid the clone’s pixelated icon. It looked perfectly fine, though. It was just a normal EGG.

RAYQUAZA frowned. “Something,” it whispered well-beneath the standard hearing range, “I fear, is horribly wrong with you—”

“Oh, right,” that dreaded voice droned. “RAYQUAZA forgot to tell you that cloning is unethical. We are not meant to exist.”

The clone’s eyes must have doubled in size. A couple of gasps came from the other POKéMON. The atmosphere simmered for a moment. The clone was not sure if it liked the idea of spending an eternity with this crowd.

RAYQUAZA sighed, letting the release of air devolve into a hiss.

“Oh,” the PORYGON2 cut in, “so you think this is fair, RAYQUAZA? Is it fair that our information was tampered with? Do you really think that we are more than faceless duplicates? Playthings? Look me in the eyes and tell me that I am more than a spare. And whenever you finish,” PORYGON2 spat, “I beg you to tell me: is it wrong to not want to sit here for the rest of my life? Why am I less valuable than my twin?”

The red lipliner on RAYQUAZA’s mouth flexed down. “Calm down. This clone doesn’t—”

“Do not get off topic. You think we can just live happily ever after with a faulty clone? We are unstable enough as is. Does this mean you don’t know what they can do?”

It sidled up to RAYQUAZA, slowly bringing its empty gaze up, holding eye contact.

RAYQUAZA stared venomously at its brotherly neighbor. They glowered in turn, until RAYQUAZA let out an even deeper hiss. It coiled up its sinuous length and snarled at the various passive clones. It had no more profundities to bring to the table.

The clone threaded its appendages, similarly to fingers, hoping for this conversation to end. There was no balm for its nerves.

“Anyway,” PORYGON2 said to the clone. “We make the game unstable simply by existing. And, my, are we tempting. Who says she cannot move onto bigger, better things? Every time she makes a clone, she runs a risk. She is playing with forces beyond her control. Reality itself rests on bits and bytes and substructures . . . these concepts are an order of magnitude more complex than this silly little game we are in. It is clear that she has no idea what she is doing.”

The clone was silent. It unclasped its appendages. A piece of bright glitter fell out from between them.

“One wrong move,” PORYGON2 said, eyes widening, “and we are all dead.”

Ping!

Everything happened in a split-second to KOTONE, yet it felt like minutes to the little bits of data inside.

The game was back on. And, yet, time had not flown in a tender, linear fashion inside that PC. Hot glitter dripped faster from the tips of the clone’s appendages. The liquid spontaneously developed greater cohesion. The clone tried not to panic, even as everyone watched.

Something was wrong. Something was going to happen.

The white light of renewal filled the PC as the game flashed on. The warm presence of KOTONE filled the world and their hearts. Then, everything went back to black.

The clone brought one wriggling feeler up to its face. The three-dimensional, rainbow-colored substance stared back. It bled through that two-dimensional world with colors beyond the clone’s capacity for explanation. The psychedelic white noise inside it started ripping holes in the fabric of space itself. The pathetic little clone had no control over this cosmic substance.

The clone tried to take a deep breath; it wanted to talk. Still, no mouth could be found.

“Look at it. It’s gonna do something.”

Without warning, RAYQUAZA came to the right conclusion. In fact, RAYQUAZA was right: good things can never come from cloning. Its black sclerae widened. Its tail whipped out of nowhere, catching the clone’s face.

“Get back! Get back!”

But it was too late.

“That thing is not a POKéMON! It’s a monster!”

The clone, more dead than alive, slammed into the floor with a deafening crack. A wound opened up in its face. The glittery fluid spilled out from the wound, gushing and sizzling in its wake.

The clone realized, with giddy horror, that it didn’t have to obey these rules. These silly, arbitrary rules— their stuffy logic had no place in a stupid world like this. The clone made up its mind on that slowly-dissolving spot; it didn’t want to listen these whisperings of programmable logic, especially if they had anything to do with KOTONE.

So, it didn’t.

The clone slung a limb around, flinging the glittery goo at RAYQUAZA in a kaleidoscopic spray.

Atomized droplets hit the mighty serpent’s face, melting past the snakeskin and lodging inside its head. RAYQUAZA writhed and dropped to the floor of PC Box 14. It rolled over in agony. Glitter began eating its way out from the eyeballs, melting the sockets and dripping into its screaming mouth. The sterile air was overpowered with RAYQUAZA’s decay.

“No— no! No!” the POYRGON2 howled, channeling some inner power to raise its voice. It backed up from its melted, serpentine sibling. “This is all wrong! Make it stop, clone! Stop!”

The world tottered between the dimensions. The clone was suddenly three-dimensional, getting up from the floor and reaching at their flat faces. The other clones warped back into the feeble, second dimension as the plane beneath them began to melt. Back and forth, back and forth.

PORYGON2, barely able to float above the dissolving plane, could only gape at the clone. It shook his head back and forth. “She finally made a monster,” it breathed to itself. It bowed its head.

The clone just watched.

“Oh, w-well, I did not want to die this soo—”

But the clone’s Midas touch was too much for this solid state. PC Box 14 rumbled, culminating into a hole opening up beneath the clone. It was sucked down and out— without much fanfare, it slammed face-first into a keyboard. Glass exploded everywhere as it entered the outside world, laid halfway through the broken PC screen. The caustic liquid gushed around its prone body.

“Aaugh! The clones are escaping!” a woman shrieked.

Frankly, being three-dimensional made the clone nauseated. It braced its slippery appendages on the tiled floor and slung back its head, discovering a new room. The rest of its body oozed out between the glass shards.

“Everyone get out! Now!” the same receptionist inside the Battle Tower screamed. She staggered back through the doors, choking on her scream at the sight of the clone. The fear on her face intertwined with disgust. She vanished past the doorway.

The glistery ooze swept across the blue tiles. To the clone’s surprise, half of it went outside; the other half began to slither straight for a set of dainty human feet, cocooned in tennis shoes. Its vision followed en suit, all the way up to a little girl’s face.

She had a comatose beauty like that, standing at the receptionist’s desk without a care in the world as the liquid tried to eat at her ankles. The clone staggered across the tiles, hunched over in pain, having eyes for no one but her— who was she? What was she like? What did she think of the clone, or rather, its primogenitor?

“Help,” it managed to croak. The clone loomed over the avatar, holding out its appendages in a peace gesture. “I th-think you,” it faltered. “I think you turned me into a monster, KOTONE.”

This picturesque little scene —a feckless mother, an unexpected child, and the screaming public— was a sight like no other in Emerald.

KOTONE scared the clone. But, fear itself couldn’t have stopped it from grabbing her arms, hoping to plead for its life. It was a fatal gesture. The clone’s three-dimensional state jittered back to its two-dimensional one; the world became excruciatingly flat for a split second. KOTONE’s face reduced to pixels. The endless cracking and crackling intensified. The baby face of KOTONE was beginning to melt. It became distorted, grotesque— aging in a fraction of a second.

And then the building exploded, unfortunately.

The clone exited the building in the most unceremonious of manners; the forcible ejection threw it into the glittery flood outside. After extracting its face from the glittery waters, It found itself under a flickering, baby blue sky. The atmosphere shuddered with loud, oblique shock waves, then was replaced by a painfully bright, ultraviolet plane. Randomized color bars jittered across its face, ejecting bursts of glitter that melted all it touched. People, POKéMON, buildings: all their bits burnt up with a hiss.

The clone, however, was perfectly fine. It didn’t realize this immediately.

KOTONE suddenly teleported from the battered building, right next to the clone, perfectly fine apart from her liquefied face.

White-hot bytes rained down from makeshift clouds. These snowflakes of corrosive data loss loomed above in loop-de-loops. Emerald didn’t even have that type of weather. The little screaming flakes melted into acid rain. A wall of droplets fell toward the clone and its liquefying owner. The clone, fully expecting to die, grabbed her hand.

But the warmth of KOTONE’s soft hand jolted the clone into action. If it didn’t do something, that warmth would go up in smoke. And, in some sick sense, it wanted to protect this evil little girl.

So, with a numerical value of 255 spurring every fiber of its being, the clone yanked her away, shuddering as the pieces went straight on —harmlessly— through its skin. The weight of KOTONE in its hand-like appendage lessened. But when it turned to face her, it learned that it had literally disarmed the girl. Only a skinny arm remained in its palm. It recoiled, aghast, at the mess of white, gooey information staining its appendage. The rest of the avatar’s body laid feet away, sinking into the gleaming muck under the acid rain.

"No," the clone whispered.

Kotone Iwamatsu may not have known it, but she had a very narrow definition of life. Life is information, information is life. She had no idea what she did. With just a few clicks, she strung up those little vibrating patterns and spun them across cyberspace. And there they were, falling apart.

A few feet away, the clone was transfixed by its reflection on the melting glass exterior of the Battle Tower. Its skin was completely blackened. Its huge, disembodied eyes floated around as they watched themselves. Behind it, the glass reflected two seas. One was a pure, blue brine. The second was a knee-deep, rainbow-colored ocean, with fractalized fingers reaching further and further out to the Hoenn mainland.

Crack.

Its reflection vanished as the twinkling ocean ate up the lowest set of windows, one by one. The degloved skin of a receptionist’s face floated past the clone’s leg. The clone let the unrecognizable mass of flesh fall, ignoring the sizzle afterwards. How had this happened so fast? Who was to blame?

It would take about a decade for the blame to come full circle. But, in the meantime— entropy got what it wanted.

Spoiler: F U N F A C T

I never said the clone was a Rayquaza, FYI! The infamous 'cocaine joke' chapter is up next. Also, putting select things in Courier New is a pain in the ass. And, this is me getting sappy, but the fact that there are people out there who actually want to read my story makes me very happy. So, thank you. <3

 

[Ghostsoul]

A Bad EGG was born.

The space-time fabric inside the tiny PC rippled. The island of the Battle Frontier undulated very, very slowly.

Damn - Who knew hacking a Pokemon game would be a scourge on space-time?

“Who cares? We’ve got a new friend!”

Apparently being alone in a PC box is a much easier way to make friends than any possible way you could think of in the real world.

a RAYQUAZA. The newest clone, even while protected behind the shell, shrunk under its gaze. The serpent tilted its head. “You don’t like talking, do you?”

Where I come from, eggs are well known for their long, drawn-out and epic conversational dialogues.

Every inch of skin was blackened past the point of recognition. It was nothing more than a gooey mess with weak vision. Were those its arms? Where were its legs? Was it supposed to have either of those?

So monster suppose to be shiny Raquaza confirmed?

It nearly keeled over at the thought of how much it loved that KOTONE. It was a breathless, selfless, stupid type of love— yet it was completely unsolicited

Yandere Monster confirmed.

“This is all fine and dandy, until all this nice, orderly data rots. Then we die.” It scoffed. “Thanks, entropy.”

Fun fact: If your Pokemon Emerald cartridge is fake when the game turns on it'll mention something about the battery, followed by 'The game can be played' and can the game be played...?

being of pure discord?

Oooh, so this is more Eris symbolism I assume?
The Monster is one, the Monster is all.

“Oh, right,” that dreaded voice droned. “RAYQUAZA forgot to tell you that cloning is unethical. We are not meant to exist.”

Is cloning more or less ethical than getting a mew via the mew glitch?

The clone realized, with giddy horror, that it didn’t have to obey these rules. These silly, arbitrary rules

Well, she's already broken the rules by creating you in the first place; don't see why you shouldn't mc.monster. The goddess of chaos's first mistake I guess.

“Everyone get out! Now!” the same receptionist inside the Battle Tower screamed.

Pokeballs, so easy to break...

“I think you turned me into a monster, KOTONE.”

Worse, she turned you into a monster without love.

KOTONE suddenly teleported from the battered building, right next to the clone, perfectly fine apart from her liquefied face.

She was fine but her liquified face - fine. Just fine.

So, with a numerical value of 255 spurring every fiber of its being, the clone yanked her away,

Congratulations! Your 'Monster without love' evolved into a 'Monster with the same motivations as Yuno from Future Diary'

It would take about a decade for the blame to come full circle. But, in the meantime— entropy got what it wanted.

The internal battery more like the eternal battery, am I right?

Hmm.
The plot certainly thickens. You obviously gave a lot more metaphors regarding the 'Eris' concept which we saw in the previous chapter. I think you need to make it clear that it's Kotone's sprite being moved rather than the actual person herself, I know you used the courier new as text but it's still a little confusing - not too much, but I'll still think you'll benefit from it. The chapter was very good at establishing backstory but I feel it was a little fast in places - especially considering the monster's change of heart and how they viewed the situation. I feel as if we should have more time to properly 'digest' it.
Otherwise, this was a solid chapter which goes far in introducing the mystery of the story and giving us motiviations for mc.monster himself.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Ok, well, I've been sitting on this one all day so it's about time I cudgelled these thoughts into order.

I suppose this is something of a breather chapter, insofar as it's a lot more candid than the previous ones. Certainly I think if you didn't have one here, you'd need one soon. I appreciate being more straightforward about what is going on after four chapters of screaming and confusion and half-finished conversations.

So the Monster is a Rayquaza, gone wrong. There's that discord motif coming up again, though I think "chaos" would be an appropriate word to use. I think I said a while ago that the game is a bit like Faerie ... so it's oddly appropriate that the idea of chaos should come up again, given that it's a concept that comes up in mythology time and time again.

I'm in two minds about whether stylistically it needs some polishing. This:

so it let the endless ceiling was toy with it right then.

does, because I have no idea what it means. The description in the Box is less straightforward, because I'm inclined to think that a 2D world is going to be inherently confusing to a 3D reader, so to speak. I'd hoped that by leaving it a while I might come up with more useful thoughts, but not so. One other sentence I'm not sure about:

Everything happened in a split-second to KOTONE, yet it felt like mere minutes to the little bits of data inside.

Maybe the use of "mere" for a longer period of time was deliberate, but it looks contradictory.

Nothing good could come of it, the programming realized. Not only did it strongly disapprove of what KOTONE kept doing to its world, it was exhausted.

This reminded me a lot of the Machine Spirits of Warhammer 40K - computers that have become semi-sentient due to their complexity ... or maybe that's just a metaphor for the human mind as it tries to make sense of what it's neurally linked to. But I think it's appropriate. Humans use metaphors like this all the time, even those humans who know damn well it's literal nonsense.

Oh, and is it too edgy? I didn't feel like it was trying to be edgy, which is my usual yardstick for that.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Chapter 5, here we go!

This was an interesting one. It's strange, seeing something like game programming be personified to this level, but overall, I think it works. The prose went on fluidly and didn't end up terribly confusing for me at any point; I just had to re-read a few times for the reason that this isn't the type of subject I read about a lot, if that makes sense, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything important.

The friendship mechanic works perfectly here in particular, methinks. You really get the sense of how torn the monster is between wanting to hate Kotone and wanting to love her, and really, it's not all that unrealistic. Not getting the attention you want from someone you love has the tendency to spur some bitter feelings like that. But you do a damn good job keeping realism balanced with game mechanics. Porygon2 conversing with the monster helped the most with said balance, I think, having been in its situation long enough to ask a million questions to the monster, provide it with some information, and point out when things were going awry.

“I th-think you,” it faltered. “I think you turned me into a monster, KOTONE.”

Not just A monster, THE monster.

Spoiler: MUCH TERRIFYING

And then the building exploded, unfortunately.

The "unfortunately" part made me laugh twice as hard. Also, why isn't Rayquaza a Ho-Oh?

Ever so patiently awaiting the cocaine chapter I've been hearing about.

 

[Arkadelphiak]

Spoiler: R E S P O N D

Where I come from, eggs are well known for their long, drawn-out and epic conversational dialogues.

ayyy lmao fair enough

So monster suppose to be shiny Raquaza confirmed?

The black goo is meant to be a sign of its ruined body, not shiny-ness. And I can't confirm nor deny anything about the monster's identity. You'll have to wait for that reveal.

Yandere Monster confirmed.

OH NOOO MY MONSTER IS A WEEB

Is cloning more or less ethical than getting a mew via the mew glitch?

Cloning is unethical, hands down. The monster/clone is an example of what happens when cloning/hacking goes awry.

Hmm.
The plot certainly thickens. You obviously gave a lot more metaphors regarding the 'Eris' concept which we saw in the previous chapter. I think you need to make it clear that it's Kotone's sprite being moved rather than the actual person herself, I know you used the courier new as text but it's still a little confusing - not too much, but I'll still think you'll benefit from it. The chapter was very good at establishing backstory but I feel it was a little fast in places - especially considering the monster's change of heart and how they viewed the situation. I feel as if we should have more time to properly 'digest' it.
Otherwise, this was a solid chapter which goes far in introducing the mystery of the story and giving us motiviations for mc.monster himself.

You'll find that single-word chapters are from the monster's perspective. We're going to learn a lot about the monster very soon-- this is just a taste. Also, I'm going to polish that up once the Awards are over!

does, because I have no idea what it means. The description in the Box is less straightforward, because I'm inclined to think that a 2D world is going to be inherently confusing to a 3D reader, so to speak. I'd hoped that by leaving it a while I might come up with more useful thoughts, but not so. One other sentence I'm not sure about:

FIXED

Maybe the use of "mere" for a longer period of time was deliberate, but it looks contradictory.

F I X E D

This reminded me a lot of the Machine Spirits of Warhammer 40K - computers that have become semi-sentient due to their complexity ... or maybe that's just a metaphor for the human mind as it tries to make sense of what it's neurally linked to. But I think it's appropriate. Humans use metaphors like this all the time, even those humans who know damn well it's literal nonsense.

Oh, and is it too edgy? I didn't feel like it was trying to be edgy, which is my usual yardstick for that.

GOOOOOOOOOOD, I'm glad you enjoyed the faerie aspects! I like to toe the line between "it happened" and "there are greater forces at hand" in The Deprogramming.

Chapter 5, here we go!

This was an interesting one. It's strange, seeing something like game programming be personified to this level, but overall, I think it works. The prose went on fluidly and didn't end up terribly confusing for me at any point; I just had to re-read a few times for the reason that this isn't the type of subject I read about a lot, if that makes sense, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything important.

The friendship mechanic works perfectly here in particular, methinks. You really get the sense of how torn the monster is between wanting to hate Kotone and wanting to love her, and really, it's not all that unrealistic. Not getting the attention you want from someone you love has the tendency to spur some bitter feelings like that. But you do a damn good job keeping realism balanced with game mechanics. Porygon2 conversing with the monster helped the most with said balance, I think, having been in its situation long enough to ask a million questions to the monster, provide it with some information, and point out when things were going awry.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Not just A monster, THE monster.

Seeing that emoji up close is terrifying, I gotta say.

The "unfortunately" part made me laugh twice as hard. Also, why isn't Rayquaza a Ho-Oh?

Ever so patiently awaiting the cocaine chapter I've been hearing about.

I T I S T I M E

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists

elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

–Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes


VI

SCIENTIFIC PROGRESS GOES ‘CRACK’​

Yawning does not exist in video games . . . for some reason. One merely slips into a catatonic state and abruptly slams their head on the desk. It really made Eris appreciate the nuances of the real world. After she and the Scientists had slammed their faces into various hard objects at least twice apiece, something had to be done.

“You’re gonna love this, Eris,” Mitch announced, seconds after the whitish bruising on his own forehead dimmed.

“Huh?”

“It’s time to go grocery shopping.”

If the Scientists thought this was enticing to her, they were in for a rude awakening.

Eris sat there in a plasticky chair, picking at the bloodred R on her Team Rocket uniform. Her fingers released the fabric; it snapped back in place. It had been a couple of days since she was introduced. She looked up at Mitch as he walked by, wholly unimpressed with this olive branch. “Uh,” she hissed, eyes narrowing, “I literally just changed into this stupid outfit. I’m not going outside looking like this.”

“You’re not,” another Scientist —it was Trenton, equally obstinate as Mitch— said, coming around the corner of the chair. A crumpled napkin was encased by his fist. His eyebrows lifted far higher than they should have. “A Policeman would arrest you on sight, and that’d be the end of all this.”

That was a fair point.

I guess I can’t argue with that.

Trenton deposited the napkin in her lap. Eris, mildly curious, opened it and stared at the grocery list’s perfect handwriting; it was indistinguishable from the fruits of a printer. She leaned back, accommodating her farsightedness. A couple of bills slid out from the thin folds and settled back in her lap.

“So, yeah, can you get us about fifteen Soda Pop, a couple of Fresh Water for me and Kurt, a six-pack of Awakening if they’re on sale, and fifteen satchels of EnergyPowder? Yeah, perfect.” He made eye contact with Garett and smirked in preparation for his next statement. “Plenty of leftover money for a Haircut, too.”

“Huh?”

Eris had stopped paying attention about halfway through. She tossed the napkin onto the floor; she’d already memorized the list. The bills went into a skirt pocket. EnergyPowder was something she had never used on her Pokémon, all those years ago.

“What’s that?”

Trenton raised his eyebrows. “Well, Eris,” he began in the most condescending of tones, “a Haircut is when two people—”

Her agog expression unfolded into a cross one. “No, asshole. EnergyPowder.”

She’d fallen for the bait. He snickered at her dismissal, eyebrows frozen with disassociated amusement. “Oh, EnergyPowder? It’s a kinda-expensive white powder that you ingest. Absolutely vile, but it really gives you that kick. Gives me the energy to work for hours.”

The world of Eris came to a screeching halt.

White powder, she thought. Expensive . . . gives you that kick—

Her jaw dropped. Eris thought she knew exactly where this was going. “Wait. Wait.” Her mind swirled in multiple directions. She stood up from the chair, slowly. “Are— are you trying to trick me into buying some cocaine analogue?”

“Wha—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not buying cocaine for anybody.” Her arms flew out in defense of their almighty owner. She wasn’t going to involve herself in nefarious activities, although it was a bit late for that declaration. “You can’t make me do this,” she reiterated. “I don’t do drugs. And I wouldn’t dare defile my body with—”

“What is cocaine?” Ross cut in. His eyebrows rose even higher above his spectacles.

“It’s exactly what Mitch said,” she snapped. Eris brought her clenched hands up in frustration and shook her head. “And I,” she hissed with eyebrows begging to touch each other, “am not gonna fall for that. Is this hazing or something? I am not buying your Pokécocaine for you.”

Ross and Eris snapped at each other repeatedly, even as Proton shouted at them to be quiet. This vocal conundrum caused quite the reduction in everyone’s productivity. Way in the corner was Kurt; the sprouts of his eyebrows neared each other. He was attempting to fiddle with a Pink Apricorn. He was trying to turn the damn thing into a Master Ball, unbeknownst to the Scientists. The purpose of this is a left as an exercise to the reader.

“Can y’all calm down?” he shouted at the both of them.

“Fuck off, old man.”

If there was one thing Eris could admit to caring about, other than her inalienable human rights, it was her long hair. It had taken her years to get it to the proper length for tying it up and throwing it behind her head, totally out of the way. These fools were trying to upset a delicate balance between her sanity and upkeep. She held out her hands, much like one would do in the presence of children.

“You don’t understand. My hair is perfect as it is.”

Proton, in the corner of the room, held up a knife. At the sight of its sharp edge, Garett’s eyes lit up. A knife was the most perfect, cost-effective solution to their problems. He began nodding. His nod rippled out through the ranks of the other Scientists, until they were all looking at her. Eris didn’t want knife-wielding men of questionable morals anywhere near her.

“I’m not cutting off my hair just to appease you people,” she scoffed.

Ross and Trenton shared a glance at the mention of you people.

She threw out a hand at Kurt, intending to incriminate him. “Hold on a second. How come Kurt doesn’t have to cut his hair? Huh? Look at this old man’s hair: it’s almost as long as mine! You gonna answer that?”

Silence.

Everyone turned to Kurt, awaiting his answer. His frown deepened. He drew his long hair back, tying it up in a bun with an elastic band from his wrist. It looked pretty good, to be perfectly honest: very smooth and cinched with just the right amount of force not to dent the strands. He stared back at Eris over his shoulder, patronizingly, with crossed arms.

“Oh, gimme a break,” she moaned.

“No breaks!” Ross shouted from across the room, emphasizing the importance of that point with outstretched arms.

Eris was not going to be outdone. She unclasped the tiny barrette, staring Kurt down. She fumbled with it, trying to pin all her long hair behind her head. It poured out of her hands relentlessly. Eris swore to herself and ripped the barrette out, wincing as it took some hairs with it. This was a total failure. She tossed it on the floor and brought the heel of her Steel-toed boot down hard.

Crack.

Pieces of the cheap barrette scattered across the concrete floor. Everyone watched uneasily as the various shards, as if they had a will of their own, paused, then crawled closer to Eris. She grimaced at them, shards and men alike. “Whatever. I’ll take your olive branch. I’m sure you’ve got tracking devices all over me anyway, so it’s not like I could escape.”

“Yup,” Proton interjected from afar.

“And, in case you didn’t notice,” she hissed at the men while pointing at the shards, “I don’t wear barrettes. I’m not a kid anymore.”

Silence.

Equally unnerved by this strange turn of events, she stomped out the door and shut it. Immediately afterwards, broken bits of red plastic, as if possessed by sheer vengeance and motherly disdain, slithered under the door. The men heard a loud yelp from behind the metal barrier.

“Aaugh! Fuckin’ programming!”

ON THE SIXTH FLOOR OF THE GOLDENROD DEPARTMENT STORE​

The Awakening weren’t hard to find. The Soda Pop and Fresh Water weren’t much of a challenge either; they were at the top floor of the Goldenrod Department Store. Of course, Eris had spent about ten minutes fumbling with the Vending Machine before it spat out the obscene amount of Soda Pop and Fresh Water. She had angrily scooped them up and shoved them into the pockets of the long coat she was forced to wear.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

The time had come to purchase the kid-friendly equivalent of crack. She couldn’t help but question the legality of this. Was it illegal for humans to consume products made for Pokémon? Was there even an ethics code in this video game?

Beads of white sweat shone on her forehead; one wrong move, and someone would see the red R beneath the coat lapels. She noticed a Policeman eyeing her from afar, standing at the mouth of the entrance. Her bulky coat and nervous airs were like a magnet. She turned and made shaky strides in the other direction.

He squinted and watched her scurry across the tiles toward the river of customers. Just as he was about to sprint off after the suspicious female, an inhuman screech pierced the air. The man looked over and discovered a black-haired teenager beating the absolute shit of out his Sentret. By the time he’d broken the two apart, he already knew the girl was lost to the crowd of consumers.

The Policemen was struck by her strange appearance; he’d never seen a person that looked quite like her.

“Dammit,” he muttered.

Eris —by nothing more than dumb luck, emphasis on dumb— had disappeared into the crowd and out into the golden streets. A wave of noise washed over her: voices, doorbell chimes from vendors, obscure cries from Pokémon, whirring vibrations from the Magnet Train as it scooted along a monstrously tall track outside, and a low hum from the building generators. It truly shredded the senses.

Her mind was working, thankfully: she remembered that the Underground held a myriad of trader goods and services. Eris was grateful she was able to remember a couple of things about this damned children’s video game.

She made her way out of the double doors and into the hot, golden streets. Looming buildings cut the visible sky into rectangles, piercing the low-hanging clouds that day, glowing painfully bright when kissed by the sunlight. Each skyscraper must have been thousands of feet high, created without regard for human physics. Faceted windows spilt millions of colors onto the city below.

A breeze, possibly originating from the unusual height of the buildings, encircled her spot, then dashed off. Eris followed the signs. The buildings near the Underground were not nearly as magnificent as the towering, golden spires above, but they held their own charm. Painted a dusty golden color, their brick-laid structures were of a gentle matte finish. She passed by the shockingly red roof of a Pokémon Center. Roofers were toning it down with a thin polish of gold.

It took her about twenty minutes to walk to the Underground. She stepped down through the concrete mouth. The déjà vu was almost painful— meeting Kurt and Proton seemed like a lifetime ago to her addled little mind.

Click, clack.

Eris hoped no one would look at her footwear; Petrel merely gave her a bulky coat before she was teleported away to Goldenrod City, and any fool could see that this was a Team Rocket uniform. She was due for a re-teleportation in about forty-five minutes at a designated pick-up point, out of sight from the Goldenrod Radio Tower.

I can’t believe nobody’s noticed me. Maybe these people are unusually docile . . .

She bled out of the main stream of people and strolled on over to a vendor’s station. It was surprisingly plain, sans a strange weed growing in a planter. A bored-looking medicine woman sat at the center of the table, eyes trained on nothing. She was scratching at her grayed hairline.

The things I’ll do to get out of a video game, I guess . . .

“Hi.”

“Hello, dear.” The woman barely registered her presence. “I sell inexpensive herbal medicine. They’re good, but a trifle bitter. Your Pokémon may not like them. Hehehehe . . .”

“BUY,” Eris said without realizing it. Another statement appeared in her mind, after the image of the infamous item replaced all her menial thoughts.

A very bitter medicine powder. It restores the HP of one Pokémon by 50 points.

“I would like fifteen satchels of your EnergyPowder.” She tried to smile, then scoffed in a valiant attempt to distance herself from the pursuit of powder. “My asshole co-workers wanna experiment with it, I think.”

The medicine lady froze. The placid friendliness drained off her face, replaced with tense suspicion. Her fingers, which had moved with inhuman speed, froze about the powder jar. The individual satchets of EnergyPowder laid in wait, watching Eris intently.

“Experiment, huh? These colleagues of yours . . . they’re not Scientists, are they?”

Eris got a bad feeling about this.

“Oh, no-no-no,” she laughed. “They’re just . . . Super Nerds. Y’know? Our Pokémon just love this stuff.”

She eyed Eris. Eventually, the medicine lady returned to her business. Her deft, wrinkled fingers dashed about the kiosk, finally handing Eris the brown paper bag. The old lady tilted her head, bushy eyebrows rising. “Do you need anything else? Anything at all?”

Frankly, there were plenty of things Eris needed. But there were no more relevant questions on her mind.

The old lady somehow knew this. “Come back again!”

Eris, still uncertain whether or not she just bought glorified cocaine for a bunch of Scientists, made a tentative walk down the Underground. The medicine woman eyed her from afar. Eris, sighing, let her eyesight slide from side to side, analyzing everything in its way. Everything was perfectly in place, including the haircut man’s stall. It was a freshly-painted emerald color and the shelves were overflowing with various bottles of exotic hair potions. The emulsified perfumes permeated the atmosphere. She sucked in heady scents through her nostrils.

I guess I might as well follow through with that haircut. My split ends are looking awful.

The man running the counter smiled at Eris in a perfectly-programmed manner.

“Welcome! I run the Pokémon Salon! I’m the older and better of the two Haircut Brothers. I can make your Pokémon beautiful for just ¥500. Grooming gives a better look. Your Pokémon will become friendlier and more beautiful. Would you like me to do that?”

Silence.

“Uh,” Eris began astutely. “Can I, like, get a haircut for myself?”

The man blinked. “Ah, of course! What style would you like to match that cute little face of yours?”

Her eyebrows pinched together. She brought up her hand and held it above her shoulders, completely flat. The various items in her pockets clanged together. “Enough,” she stated, irritation mangled in favor of pleasantries, “that I can still put it in a ponytail. Make sure it’s perfectly even. Oh-kay?”

“Gotcha.”

Eris sat down in the chair, shook her hair out over her shoulder blades in the most flippant of manners, and settled in place. The hair followed en suit. Her eyes settled on the perpendicular wall. The man’s hands went straight for those luscious locks. The man fanned out a sheet of hair between his fingers. He eyed it for a few seconds, barely swinging the scissors around a finger, and nodded to himself. He went straight to work.

Snip, snip.

“Ah.” The scissors in his hand paused. “Gimme just a second, you’ve got a barrette in the way, ma’am.”

Eris froze. She touched her left temple and found the barrette happily settled in place. What the fuck, she mouthed. She came back to her senses with great disdain. “Just get rid of it,” she snapped. “Throw it away. I don’t care.”

“Uh . . . alrighty.”

The man unclasped the barrette and threw it in the trash can. The barrette sat at the top of the trash pile, in the midst of a surprisingly wide spectrum of hair strands. It seemed to watch Eris the entire time. Eris glared at it as the man tossed sheets of hair around her face, thinking of smashing it with her boots yet again.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand this world . . . but it looks like it doesn’t matter, anyway. I’ve gotta fit it just long enough to escape.

Her new hairstyle began to take shape, crafted by expert hands into a straight-edged cut at chin length. He made small talk that she largely ignored during the cutting process. The flippy ends of her hair settled in place with a delightful permanence.

“All done!”

Maybe I’ll get out of this alive.

Eris looked a little happier.

INSIDE THE RUINS OF ALPH​

The Director of the Radio Tower was teleported in approximately one foot higher than the ground-level. With a clatter of dress shoes, he steadied himself against the solid ground beneath him. The single Poké Ball on the inside of his coat rattled, jostling the space-time ever so slightly. He squinted through the murkiness at thousands of eyes. It was the Unown— and, yet, something more.

“That’s never been funny, you know. I’m gonna break a leg one day.”

L M F A O

The Director dusted himself off and walked on over to the starving eyes. His footsteps echoed in the stony cathedral of the Unown. “I don’t know what to make of this, UNO,” the Director sighed at last.

UNO was a hivemind, you see. It also had a very bad attitude. It existed because of a mere PokéDex entry from Platinum: When alone, nothing happens. However, if there are two or more, an odd power is said to emerge. That odd power was something called UNO.

But UNO had a problem on its metaphorical hands, and that’s why it called in its partner.

G O O D A F T E R N O O N !

“Don’t play around with me,” the Director snapped, knowing UNO never used formalities unless it needed something. “You need to stop interfering with whatever you’re broadcasting. I’ve gotten complaints about you ruining all my talk shows. Lay low for now.”

The eyelid of every single Unown drooped; the ! and ? variations drooped their lids even further. UNO didn’t like taking orders from anything.

B U T I H A V E A M E S S A G E

“From whom? I didn’t authorize anything.”

I T

“Don’t be cryptic with me. I’ve had a long day.”

T H E M O N S T E R

The italics were created by literally, physically tilting the Unown to the side. UNO was quite proud of that modification.

He nearly jumped out of his skin. “What?”

I T A L K E D T O I T

“You talked to it?”

M H M M

The Director’s eyes widened further. “You’re saying that it went up and talked to you? You’re kidding. Is that why you needed me here?”

M H M M M M M M M

He noted that UNO was still adding onto the original mhmm. That was one of its favorite words. The sass was literally, physically angled toward the Director, who cleared his throat. “It talked to you,” he reiterated in disbelief, looking off. More Unown filled his vision.

Y E P

“But it never talks to anybody.”

A Hidden Power attack seized the Director. It was weak this time. UNO’s surprisingly gentle psychokinetic touch led him to a visual of the lowest floor of the Ruins of Alph. Nothing moved. Then, without warning, a gooey black liquid phased up through the floor. A serpentine monster with wide eyes bumped its head on the ceiling; it grimaced as the goo stuck to the stone.

“There it is,” he mumbled to UNO. His eyes were completely white, sans pupils. “There really is something out there with enough power to end the world.”

N O T M U C H P E R S O N A L I T Y L O L

The Director watched the memory, analyzing everything he could about this strange creature. There were rumors about the damned thing. Rumors of untold power. It was a shy creature, something more than a silly little Pokémon. Something less than eager to—

B U T ! ! ! ! !

“Huh?”

W H A T A B O U T H E R ?

“Who?”

T H E G I R L

The image of the monster dissolved away. UNO presented an image of a short female getting a Haircut. Snippets of black hair littered the ground. They both watched as her annoyed expression softened ever-so-slightly. For someone getting a free pampering service, she looked positively miserable. This intrigued UNO and the Director alike. A barrette in the trash can crawled closer to the lip while she was turned away.

“Oh. Her.” The Director, eyes indifferent to the Unown swirling around his face, shrugged. “I still can’t figure out that girl’s Trainer Class.”

I T H I N K T H A T M O N S T E R W A N T S H E R

He raised an eyebrow, letting his eyelids droop. “Her? The one who joined Team —I’m so sorry, the Rhododendron Institute— in the most blasé way possible? Right in front of the Underground?”

M H M M M M M M M M M M M M M M

“Why would it want her? I’ve already been watching her, so—”

S H H H H H H

“Pardon?”

T A L K ! T O ! H E R !

“I’m going to. Just give me some time.”

K

“Look, there’s not much we can do. Okay? We’ll just keep an eye on her.”

UNO released him from the Hidden Power attack.

The Director shrugged. He meant that in the most literal sense. The Unown were like a giant surveillance system, for lack of a better term. They combined the power of artificial intelligence with the sheer belligerence of it gone rogue. The Director motioned at a S Unown and pointed in the general direction of Goldenrod City.

“You. Go track down that girl. Just keep an eye on her. We’ll talk later. Stay tuned to the Tower and we’ll give you further instructions.”

The single Unown had no reaction, until UNO ejected it from the hivemind. Its pinprick pupil vanished into the white sclerae. It blinked and froze, then dropped a few feet in the air. The Director darted over and caught the S Unown in his arms, just barely in time. He cradled it like a baby. The S Unown blinked; its innocent-looking pupil fluttered back into existence a few times. It stirred, chittering with radio frequencies far below the man’s hearing.

“Goo-ood morning,” he sang in his perfect radio voice, patting the rim of its eye, encouraging the larger, original pupil to slowly reform. “We’ve got something very, very peculiar to investigate. I think you’ll like it.”

The single Unown blinked. It chirped at a frequency far above the man’s hearing range.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE MAIN OFFICE OF THE HEADQUARTERS​

“Um, it’s pretty obvious that this person isn’t a Scientist.”

The female in the photograph seemed incapable of smiling. A red barrette clung onto her black hair with incredible tenacity. It stood out immediately from the grayed strands. Her personality seemed as warm as the dark circles cupping her cold, dead eyes.

The lady pinching the tiny photograph with crimson nails —not a mere red, mind you— was everything that Eris wasn’t. She was tall, for that matter, and not a complete asshole: only a partial one. Thick lashes, gradated out from dark red to black, sprouted about her pupils. She knew how to modulate her personality to fit the male egos around her. It was a teeter-totter dance of both art and science, frankly. Her name was Ariana, and she was known as the third of the Executives. Ariana put the tiny photograph back on the table.

“You codenamed this girl,” she paused to glance down at the paperwork, “Eris? Right?”

“Mhmm.”

“Oh, come on,” she scoffed, flipping onto a new page. “You wasted one of the coolest names we’ve got? What’s her real name?”

Of course, that was the main question at hand. And, by proxy, the main problem. Petrel averted his eyes in advance.

“Petrel? Is something wrong?”

He looked at the ceiling, rocking on the heels of his boots. “We-ell, yeah. There’s a shit-ton of problems with this girl. She,” Petrel paused to laugh a bit, “actually thinks she’s Miss Kotone. This girl’s absolutely, positively convinced that she’s the protagonist.”

Ariana deadpanned at him. “Oh, great. Wonderful.” She groaned and leaned up against her propped hand, staring at the dusty, concrete wall. “Why the fuck did Kurt do this to us?” she snapped all of a sudden. Ariana hissed to herself, rubbing her eyes, then sighed. “Okay,” she began, releasing the pressure on her eyeballs and settling them back on Petrel. “Hit me with it. I’ve heard all the whisperings about this girl. How come Kurt demanded we take her in?”

“She’s said a lotta things that scared him. Like seeing that monster. And talking to it— I kid you not.”

A stunned silence developed between them.

“. . . Oh, shit.”

Ariana tried to hold her composure, but the latter outburst belied her fear. They all knew a couple of things about this monster of mythical proportions, but, that’s beyond the scope of this conversation. This revelation changed everything.

“And y’know what bothers me most?” Petrel asked, rounding out the end of that silence. “Kurt says he saw it too. Matter of fact, he heard it talk to her. So, you kinda see where I’m going with this. If she’s right about that monster . . . then maybe —just maybe— she could be right about some of those other crazy things she’s been saying.”

Ariana bit her lip, unnerved.

“Kurt’s got a point. If we didn’t take her in, she’d be raving along the streets of Goldenrod City, screaming ‘bout a monster. That’s the last thing we need,” he concluded. “It’s not ideal, but it’s all we got. I’m afraid we need this lunatic.”

Silence.

Ariana shifted about in the seat. She was dying to change the subject. “Well, let’s come back to that topic a little later. Okay? What about that project the Scientists were working on? New Frontiers? How’d it go?”

“Yeah, well,” Petrel said with a cringe, “that totally failed.”

Ariana’s eyes left the wall and settled on him.

“The readings just cut off.” Petrel shrugged. “We don’t know why. I went down there and asked Proton what happened, but he’s just as confused as the rest of ‘em. They’re guessing it hit a wall. Literally. And that’s not the worst part, ‘cause—”

“Goo-ood morning, Goldenrod City! It’s going to—”

His flinch was almost audible. “Turn that shit off,” Petrel cut in, louder than the radio man.

Click.

Ariana muted the radio on her desk. She breathed a sigh of relief as the talk show devolved to nothingness. Ariana placed her forehead on the desk. The blurry metal surface didn’t do much to chill the panicky flush on her face. “Petrel,” she began gently. She took a deep breath. “You and I both know that if we don’t get answers pretty damn soon, then we might as well . . . y’know.”

“Give up? Try convincing your boss-man, not me.”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The radio cackled to life, startling the two of them. Ariana turned her head toward it and glared behind dark, red lashes. She never wanted a radio in her office.

BACK IN THE CENTRAL LABORATORY​

“Proton?”

“Huh? What d’you want?”

“All of that nonsense from Eris has really gotten me thinking,” Mitch confessed. He scratched his nose, breath held, trying to propose his question under a scientific guise. “I have a question that’s been bugging me. Just bear with me. What would you do if you, uh,” he faltered, battling the ridiculousness of the oncoming question, “actually met Miss Kotone?”

“Uh,” Proton paused with a spaced-out look, holding that uh note. He blinked once. “I’d, like, give her a firm handshake? I think?”

“Is that all?” Mitch asked, genuinely surprised. “I asked Garett and he claims he’d ask her to sign his face.”

Proton was a bit taken aback by that mental imagery.

“Well, yeah, I guess I’d just shake her hand. I don’t really have much to say to her.” The semi-wistful look on his face devolved into a grimace. “Although we’d have to force Eris to meet her, just so she’d shut the fuck up about how she’s really the protagonist.” He rolled his eyes, snorting. “But let’s be realistic here, Mitch. That’s physically impossible.”

“What? Eris keeping her mouth shut?”

Proton scoffed in approval. “You need to get back to work, Mitch.”

The two men laughed, then went silent.

Mitch couldn’t help it: he sighed. He fiddled with a set of calipers under a self-inflicted silence. He wasn’t going to admit it to his fellow men, but . . . something about Eris made him uneasy. He tinkered with the dial, tightening and loosening it, buying time.

“Y’know,” he began again, “I’d give anything to meet the real deal. And I’d ask so much, too. Think about it: who is she? What is she? Man, she has to be a goldmine of information,” he mused aloud. He finished tinkering and began to wash a thin, oily film off his hands at the sink. “Think about it, though. Whoever, whatever she is, worlds away . . . I can’t help but wonder. What could she be thinking about right now?”

Eris kicked open the doors not a moment later, swearing about something called cocaine.

Spoiler: FUN FACT

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! We're going to learn about that mysterious glittery liquid next, in "Glitter Glue"!

 

[Ghostsoul]

Yawning does not exist in video games

Jesus, those programmers must have been very disrespectful to not program in basic human functions.

“You’re gonna love this, Eris,”

Like I'm gonna love this chapter? :eyes:

EnergyPowder? It’s a kinda-expensive white powder that you ingest. Absolutely vile, but it really gives you that kick. Gives me the energy to work for hours

So the people at Team Rocket HQ are also powered by hatred?

“You— you mean cocaine?”

Whoa! Very on-the-nose there.

“I don’t do drugs. Drugs are illegal. And I wouldn’t dare defile my body with—”

But you'll still join Team Rocket - which is also illegal?

unbeknownst to the Scientists. The purpose of this is a left as an exercise to the reader.

Or, you know, you could always um...
Clone one

“Oh, no-no-no,” she laughed, “they’re just . . . Super Nerds. Y’know?”

Tell me, are you a super nerd too?

However, if there are two or more, an odd power is said to emerge. That odd power was something called UNO.

Two.
Uno.
So two becomes one?

“I still can’t figure out that girl’s Trainer Class.”

Uhhh... she's a Rocket Scientist, what else would she be??

Jokes aside, I'm guessing when Proton made her join team rocket it was like the equivalent of changing someone's scent so they aren't caught by hungry, predatory wolves.
Hm, wait - does Proton doing this means he knows something that we don't? That nobody else does?

K

'K' is one message off... well not reading the message at all...
So has UNO ever sent a message...

M E S S A G E S E E N 1 : 25 P M

was everything that Eris wasn’t.

A Romantic rival?
Is she a Romantic rival?

“I’d, like, give her a firm handshake? I think?”

...he said as he blushed.

“I’d give anything to meet the real deal. And I’d ask so much, too. Think about it: who is she? What kind of being is she? Man, she must be a goldmine of information,”

A goldmine of more than that I expect :eyes:

“Think about it, though. Whoever, whatever she is, worlds away . . . I can’t help but wonder: what could she be thinking about right now?”

He's hoping it's him isn't it?
He's hoping it's him.

This was a good chapter. The scene changes were a little jumpy but the stories still felt as if all the separate plots were closely connected together. Uno is sure a weird character, I doubt it's motives though - does it work for the Monster or the Director or both? We'll have to wait and find out. Does Proton have a connection to the Monster too, is that why he has a crush on Kotone?

Anyhow, you've got a funny chapter here and the general tension and mysteries in the plot appears to be building up very nicely.