EVERYONE: Black Hearts

[unShinyUmbreon]

Hello again. My name is unShinyUmbreon! A lot of you may know me from my other fan-fiction stories:
http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/ch...-parts-1-3-ending-updated-1-20-2013-a-145407/
http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/birth-hero-chapter-one-two-three-1-27-2013-currently-hiatus-146008/

Even though "The Birth of a Hero" is currently still in the making, I have decided to start a new project all together, and put that on a short hiatus, but will announce it's return when I am ready. Black Hearts is the name of a new fan-fiction story I want to work on, so I hope you'll enjoy it. Not only is it meant for the entertainment of other's, it's also for me to practice my descriptive writing. Thank you!

No copyright intended! This was produced merely out of creativity, all credit goes to it's respective owners, for I own NOTHING!


Black Hearts:

As I lie on the top of the hill, I can feel the warmth as it surrounded with a viel of comfort.The sun rose up from under the horrizon as it's light's flashed what had seemed like an elegant painting in the sky. Orange, Yellow and Pink roared over me. I felt no care in the world at all. Just my friends and I, traveling the vast green land, no longer having to worry about ever going home. I was free.

Until one day, the very horrizen had betrayed me, and those colour's I had enjoyed for the longest time had been stolen from me. The feeling was as if someone pierced my heart and then ripped it out of my chest. What was happening? I asked myself. The sky had turned completely black. It was still, and heavy. I couldn't see a thing.

I could hear my Pokeball's, as they trembled from inside my bag. I closed my eye's, and imagined my friends: Umbreon, Espeon, Pidgeot, Blazekin.
Do I dare open my eyes? Or do I keep them shut, so I could further feel safe by the strengh and bravery of my friends.

No. I couldn't. This wasn't something I could just close my eye's on, and then it would disappear.
So I opened them, and looked up, even tough I couldn't see a thing. My eye's we'rent starting to adjust, what could I possibly do? Am I dead? Or will I wake up from this nightmare?

There, If I saw anything in that tragic, dark moment which seemed like the bottom of a dark abyss, I saw what had been causing this mess.
It wasn't a friend, it was something entirely different. It's one blue eye lit up the entire sky with in that second, and then vanished, releasing my heart and the colour's up above, thing's were back to normal, but I didn't know for how long.

I decided to run back down the hill to Alvenu Town, which was a small area I had last been. I ran, and I didn't stop until I had reached a Pokemon Center, there I had asked one of the nurses,
"Did any of you see what just happened? Th--The sky..." I started to tremble, just like my Pokeball's.

The nurse then looked at me as if I had four arms and two heads. She said that no such thing that I had described to her, soon after I ahold of myself again, had happened.

Alvenu Town was famous for it's library, so that's exactly where I went off to next. What I saw had to be a Pokemon of some kind, so it was my next intention to find out which Pokemon it was, and how I could deal with it if it were to ever return.

I knew it had wanted something from me if the people down at the Pokemon Center had claimed to see no change in the sky, I even got the same looks from the people down at the library. I went in to the back, and I thought to myself I would probably have better luck looking for something mysterious and dark. The book I had chosen from the shelf was entitled: "Pitch Black", which I had translated since it was spelled through the Pokemon, 'Unknown'.

I flipped through the padges, and the entire book had been written in the same writing that was on the cover. I grew more and more confused, stressed out and eagar. Until I flipped to the very last page in the back of the book, it was a picture, and under it, " ダークライ". Darkrai.

Thank you for reading the story sofar! I'll edit the title when I have added some more to this story. But, sofar, tell me what you think?

 

[NoirGrimoir]

Hello! I became interested in your story upon reading the name (it is quite cool, very good imagery, I don't think you need to change it), and since I read it, I felt I might as well review it for you. I haven't really done a real review on this site for anyone, but I've had a great deal of experience writing fanfiction in the past and currently have my own story going, so my personal opinion is that this review comes from a good and knowledgeable source, however feel free to review my reviewing abilities, as like you, I would like to improve, and I'll definitely admit I have my own problems in this area. But anyway, here it goes.

Premise:

I was really excited when I read 'Darkrai' at the end there! While I've seen quite a few stories about Darkrai, its a cool pokemon and interesting as a character, so I have no problem with seeing another one pop up. There are an infinite number of interesting possibilities with this pokemon as a premise. Still though I kind of wish we got a little more info about who this kid is (we don't even know his name! or hey, if it's even a boy!) This feels pretty prologue-ish so if it is than its not as much of a concern, but I'm interested to read more and figure out who this character is and what Darkrai wants with him. Still I do wish we were given a little more on the character straight off, just so we knew what we were dealing with.

Style and Execution:

I think your decision to use first person is probably a good choice here. First-person is a good perspective when writing stories that are more psychological in nature and this story seems to have such leanings. I do however think I would like to see more live dialogue and actions. The present style makes it feel like someone is telling me what's happening rather than I'm seeing what happened as I'm reading. I feel that saying "this happened'" is a little more exiting than "this had happened". You mentioned that you're trying to work on description and while I can see you are trying with describing the colors of the sky and whatnot, I have to emphasize that waxing poetry isn't always helpful to the reader (though here I think its fine, since this is sort of an epic moment). I think focusing on describing characters and their feelings and what they are thinking is where you should emphasize description. Describing appearances of things is unnecessary unless its unusual for some reason. Not that you seem to have a problem with this, just giving advice.

Technical Aspects:

I have to say that your story's technical aspects could use some work. Some of it however is nothing some proof-reading, spell-check and/or a beta-reader couldn't fix. I fear I have to scold you a little here, because spelling should be the least of an author's worries. One click can eliminate the majority of them, and it's not like there aren't free writing-programs that come with them (I myself use Libre Office, and Open Office is another). On the one hand it's easily remedied, on the other, while no one here is a professional and shouldn't be held up to professional standards, in this day and age posting a story that hasn't at least been spell-checked just seems lazy. If you can't have respect for your own work, how can someone else? Why would you expect someone to put in the effort to read something that you won't even put in the most minimal effort to make readable with a spell-check? I just don't get it.

Other things: you definitely need to pay attention to plurals. You make them possessives with an apostrophe 's' when what you want is a plural so often that it is a problem (example: lights vs. light's). This is mostly a matter of being aware of the issue and catching yourself, so I hope this helps you in the future. You also have a lot of flow problems. I'm afraid that this isn't something very easily fixed though, since it relies on experience and instinct to do it well in the first place and even recognize it. I wish I could tell you a simple and easy fix for it, but if there is one, I sure as heck don't know it. What 'flow' in itself is, is even hard to describe, but it has to do with ease of readability, word choice (meaning conservation of words and using the most correct word to describe things), and sentence variety. I'm not one of those people who thinks you always have to use the fewest words possible to describe things, but when you can it's usually best. (Example: I was making vs. I made. We were going to go do blah blah vs.We planned to blah blah).

Your word choice in particular can be improved by thinking about the words you are using more. Actions and description should match in most cases, for instance use descriptors that have to do with sight when a character has been mentioned looking at something, with sound when they are mentioned hearing something, etc. I think you'd be surprised at the difference it makes. Something that you also should do is make sure you are using the correct preposition, i.e. on, from, of, etc. This is something that has to be taken on a case by case basis so I can't help you much here except to say you are frequently using them incorrectly. Hopefully simply looking them up and thinking about what they really mean and the action or description they refer to can help some.

Aside from that, everything else is pretty minor. The bad news is, the technical aspects of your writing are far from perfect. The good news is that some of it is easily remedied and there are things you can do to improve on the rest. Keep writing, though, and read quality work as well. Reading and writing is the best way to improve as an author.

Below are some specific corrections.

Spoiler

These are just very basic corrections. I apologize ahead of time if they seem a bit harsh, it's not intentional, its just that I'm being thorough, and in all truthfulness, a lot of changes were needed to bring this up to my basic standards.

bold: changes.
(italics): notes.

As I lay (incorrect tense, the rest of the whole chapter is in past tense) on the top of the hill, I can feel the warmth as it surrounds me (incorrect tense, missing a word)with a veil (incorrect spelling) of comfort. The sun rose from beneath (personal opinion, but 'beneath' sounds better than 'under' to me) the horizon as its lights ('it's', needs to be possessive not plural and 'light's' is the opposite) flashed what had seemed like an elegant painting in the sky. Orange, yellow and pink roared over me (shouldn't have been capitalized, and I get that you're trying to put some imagery into this, but I don't think roar is very appropriate considering colors are associated with sight, and roar is associated with sound). I felt not a care in the world at all. Just my friends and me, (contrary to popular belief, 'I' is not always correct in this instance, this should be 'me') traveling the vast green land, no longer having to worry about ever going home. I was free.

Until one day, the very horihad (I'm not sure what you were trying to write here, it seems to have been accidentally cut off) betrayed me, and those colors (colour is correct British spelling, but the apostrophe 's' is still wrong. I changed it anyway, though) I had enjoyed for the longest time had been stolen from me. I felt (flow problems and indirect word usage) as if someone pierced my heart and then ripped it out of my chest. What was happening? (this could be italicized, but it's a personal decision, I've seen it done both ways) I asked myself. The sky had turned completely black. It was still and heavy, I couldn't see a thing.

I heard my pokeballs (no apostrophe as it's plural, not possessive) as they rattled (adding 'from' is filler and not grammatically correct, also makes more sense to have an action related to sound, since the character heard something earlier in the sentence) inside my bag. Closing my eyes (again, plural, not possessive, first word changed for sentence variety purposes), I imagined my friends: Umbreon, Espeon, Pidgeot, Blazekin. (I like colons, I approve!) Do I dare open my eyes? Or do I keep them shut, so I could continue to extract comfort from the strength (flow problems, 'further' is a word measuring length, not time, also misspelling of strength) and bravery of my friends?

No, I couldn't (this change is more a personal preference). This wasn't something I could just close my eyes to (again, a plural. And you close your eyes 'to' things, not 'on' things unless they are inside your eyelids, O_O), and make disappear (more flow issues, I just think this sounds way better).

So I opened them and looked up, but (makes more sense, also spelling should have been 'though' if kept) I couldn't see a thing. My eyes (plural, not possessive) wouldn't adjust, what was going on? (this seems a more likely question to go between the others, also more pertinent) Was I dead? Or would (incorrect tense) I wake up from this nightmare?

And there I saw, if I saw anything in that tragic, dark place which seemed like the bottom of an abyss, what appeared to be the cause. (This is the best I can do with this sentence without changing the whole thing. It's hard to pin down what exactly is messing you up here, its just a lot of little things) It wasn't a friend, it was something entirely different. (Eh? Why would he think it might be a friend?) Its one blue eye lit up the entire sky for an instant and then vanished, releasing my heart and the colors up above. Everything was back to normal, but I didn't know for how long.

I began to tremble, just like my pokeballs. (I moved this sentence, it seemed out of place where it was.) I decided to run back down the hill to Alvenu Town, which was a small area I had last been. I ran, and I didn't stop until I had reached a Pokemon Center.

There I asked one of the nurses, "Did any of you see what just happened? Th--the sky..." (Especially with current action and dialogue you should use the past tense 'I asked' rather than 'I had asked'. The latter is more for telling about the past while already in the past. Also, the two hyphen's should technically be an M-dash. In a word processor you could insert one easily but I don't know the key-code for it and I assume you don't either. I'll say no big deal on it.)

The nurse looked at me as if I had four arms and two heads. She said that no such thing that I had described to her. (All the rest of the sentence was confusing and uneeded. I would suggest giving the nurse actual dialogue though, instead of telling us what she said, have her actually say it.)

Alvenu Town was famous for its library, so that's exactly where I went next (more extra, unneeded words deleted). What I saw had to be a Pokemon of some kind, so I decided ('it was my intention' sort of implies he intended to do something but never really did, which isn't the case) to find out which Pokemon it was and how I could deal with it if it were to ever return.

It must have wanted something from me personally(clarification) if the people down at the Pokemon Center claimed to see no change in the sky, I even got the same looks from the people down at the library. I went into the back, thinking to myself that (sentence variety and flow) I would probably have better luck looking for something mysterious and dark. The book I chose from the shelf was entitled Pitch Black, (references to books are italicized). I'd had to translate it since it was spelled through the Pokemon, 'Unknown'.

I flipped through the pages, and found the entire book had been written in the same script the cover. I grew more and more confused, anxious and eager (spelling), until I flipped to the very last page in the back of the book.

It was a picture, and under it was the written, " ダークライ". Darkrai.

Aw! That took awhile. I may have gotten a little too into things. I hope that helps you in the future, though.

 

[unShinyUmbreon]

Thank you for your review! I appreciate any type of critique, so it is very helpful to me. ^^
I'll definately take in what you mentioned more in to the future with my works.

 

[Akari]

A few issues with grammar and stuff, but on the whole, very nice work!