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Check the thread dates, guys. This isn't an April Fools prank.
Long story short....we did an upgrade to the server, boosting our RAM to 16gb from 8gb, and going with Litespeed Enterprise Edition over our Apache. The initial data we were getting there indicated that the problems should be fixed, but we were wrong. We should have more stability and speed now, but it still wasn't enough to make things more manageable.