- Joined
- Nov 23, 2021
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- 113
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- 135
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- #41
Heya, it's taken a little while, though life's been a touch crazy the past 2 weeks and with things set to get a bit crowded in the imminent horizon, I decided to get in a quick and dirty bump to not leave you hanging too much on our review exchange.
So in light of that, I’ll be picking right up where I left off with:
Chapter III
Something about the way the middle sentence is worked in feels a bit abrupt. Maybe it'd flow a bit nicer with some sort of added transition like...
Some food for thought, anyways.
Rattata: "Buddy, what exactly have you been drinking?"
Sam: "Probably something stronger than I'd care to admit given that I don't exactly remember a lot of anything before last night." ^^;
Sam: "B-But I'm 25... that's not super young... is it?" ._.;
Oh, I see that evolutions are inherently age-tied in this setting, huh? Filing that one away for the future.
Sam, pretty sure you're digging yourself in deeper in live-time right now.
I just realized it, but both "At your age?" and "Really?" are ambiguous as to if the Pidgey is saying all of this or if the Rattata cut in at any point. It might make sense to drop in some reminders of who's saying what.
Sam: "Buddy, my drink nuked my memories, alright?" >_>;
Pidgey: "Still quite the feat of yours there." o<o
Sam: "... All of that just sounded completely unbelievable, didn't it?" ._.;
Rattata: "You said it, not me, pal."
I kinda wonder if there ought to have been more focus on Sam's state of mind here or somewhere just before here where we get to see how he's reacting here? Like is he panicking right now? Is he breathing a sigh of relief? Is he in "I-It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!" territory?
Wait, "track"? Are there trains in this setting? Or was that supposed to be a "trail"?
Sam: "Seriously, how do you manage that when you're a rat? Your own hearing is supposed to be really sensitive!" >.<
Rattata: "The implication is that I know that you can hear me and I don't care that you do."
I'm... just gonna assume that that's not an epithet for Rescue/Exploration Teams in this setting.
Though I see that in canonworld in this story, times of crisis coincide with canonical "no evolution without fancy workarounds" mechanics.
Sam, what are you doing...?
Rattata + Pidgey:
Sam: "... I'm. Uh... a late evolver?" ^^;
Oh, so that's what seeds look like in this setting, huh?
Well that got really dark really fast. Guess 'hunter' might really be a term for Rescue/Exploration Teams after all.
Ah yes, not even 4000 words into this story and the customary opening arc has gone completely off the rails. There's that fake out opening I called happening last time. Here I thought we were also going to get some tour through a bucolic village, but nope, just casually bumping into a pair of outlaws chilling with a dead body.
I kinda wonder if it could've been foreshadowed a bit more by Sam noticing something consistently off earlier like a weird smell or something like that, though.
IMO, a little emphasis could make that line a bit more expressive.
Sam: "I... really don't like where this conversation is going right now."
Sam: "... That's not a denial!"
Pidgey: "Yes? And? It's the law of the jungle, kid. Someone's gotta lose in it."
Rattata: "Should've played dumb, kid. We might've let you off if you did."
Sam: "... Is it too late to start? Since I'm definitely feeling dumb right now..."
Sam: "... Wait, do I even know how to fight properly right now?" ._.;
Rattata + Pidgey:
Sam: "... Oh my god, this is going to be such a disaster."
Sam: "Oh come on! Seriously?!"
Swampert: "Well, kid? Do you feel lucky?"
Sam: "... No. Not at all."
Yeah, I figured. :V
Sam:
Pidgey + Rattata:
Rattata: "You really are a genius, you know that, kid?"
IMO, this bit would've worked a bit better to show Sam getting encroached on a bit more before he comes to this conclusion, both to show that moment of blind panic at first / Swampert and the gang getting their giggles at Sam's epic fail at threatening them, and that sinking realization that "yeah, if I don't get out of here, I'm gonna die".
It might have also made sense to expand the paragraph right before this block to play up the whole "AAAAH! WHY CAN'T I INTO FIRE?!"-ness of it since Sam is in a really bad place at the moment.
Live look at Sam right now:
Sam: "Boy do I hope that that guy doesn't know Earthquake... or something like Surf for that matter."
And jumping right into the next chapter as well since that one was a bit short:
Chapter IV
Sam, have you read an Aloladex entry in your life before? ^^;
Then this is going to be a really short story barring someone coming in to bail your sorry bum (or I guess sorry bun) out.
Wait, does Sam have any cover at the moment? Or else how has he not been summarily sniped by a water attack right about now?
Sam: "... Right, I'm a rabbit right now. Probably should've tried my luck trying to dig." >_>;
The Pidgey is just going to casually knock Sam out of the tree in about 5 seconds, isn't he?
Wait, just how thick are those tree boughs such that Pidgey can instantly lose visuals of a bunny bouncing around from limb to limb anyways?
Swampert: "And you're not just chucking Gusts at the tree branches to try and blow him out why?" >_>;
Pidgey: "... Didn't get that far yet? Though if he managed to get up there, wouldn't the kid's grip be a bit strong for that?" ^v^;
Sam: "Thank the great good lord that this guy doesn't know Earthquake."
- Beat moment -
Sam: "He... doesn't know Earthquake... r-right?"
I was actually not expecting Sam to get off like that. Guess he really did score a lucky roll with that Swampert not having a great moveset there, since something like an EQ would've likely shaken him out of the tree... and out of the story considering what those three were getting ready to do to him.
Sam: "Why am I still here and not legging it to get far, far away from this place right now?"
Sam: "M-Maybe they didn't hear it?"
Sam: "Ah... er... hi there... Let's just pretend we never saw each other and part ways here."
Rattata: "Remember that rats have good hearing, kid."
Sam: "But I saw you leave! How the hell did you-?!"
Pidgey: "Kid, if you're too dumb to see through a feint, you were never going to last on this island anyways." >v>;
Sam: "Oh yay, me."
Ah, yeah. That would definitely be a decent tip-off. Though IMO this particular paragraph would work a bit better were it broken up into pieces kinda as suggested.
A few odds-and-ends suggestions for rephrasings here. Went a bit out on a limb on some of these, so not sure if they're fitting with what your intention was.
Sam: "Well that was a short story." X_X
- Sam looks back at the chapter text -
Sam: "Wait, wha-? There's another scene? So you mean I'm not dead yet-?"
A nitpick, but while 'ichor' is technically correct here in usage, in terms of vibe, it's usually more the preserve of 'alien blood' and as such, sticking to 'blood' is probably the best call here, since... yeah. Sam's a bit more red all over right now.
Pidgey: "... Boss, why didn't you do something like cut his throat to make sure he was dead earlier?" >v>;
Swampert: "... Meh, he looked dead enough and I don't like getting my hands dirty. Plus it's not like he's going to stay alive for much longer."
Oh so that's why Swampert didn't just cut Sam's throat and call it a day. Guy must be pretty confident of his ability to keep his underlings in line considering his offer, though.
Ah yes, putting that M rating to work nice and quick, I see.
Sam:
Swampert: "Kid, if you're done with your theatrics, you can give me an answer about if you'd like to live past the next 30 seconds or not. I don't have all damn day."
Sam: "There's a mass grave with at least four corpses in it! Like hell you try and avoid that!"
Swampert: "And just how many do you think would be in there if we didn't try and avoid killing 'em?"
Sam:
Rattata: "... I think that's a 'kill me now', boss."
This part got me more than I was expecting it to. It's a good character-establishing moment for Sam where even if he's scared and has his back against a wall, there's just some things he's not willing to do. Or at least not right now, anyways.
Swampert: "Story's over for ya, kid. Hope you had a good run."
And here is the moment where the plot throws Sam a bone. Along with what I presume will be a buddy we see a lot more of in the future.
Blaziken: "... You know, now that you mention it, I guess I should've provided a couple more hints that I was hanging around, huh?"
Sam: "Look, I'm sure that some readers are going to moan about this being a Deus Ex Machina, but I'll take what I can get right now!"
5 words spoken seconds from disaster.
Your paragraph abruptly cuts off there. I can't tell if that's supposed to just be "colour." or if there were supposed to be more sentences afterwards.
I was honestly a little surprised that the Rattata was still (kinda) in one piece after that strike.
Swampert: "I-I call hax." X.X
Blaziken: "Leveling advantages, learn to love 'em, pal." o<o
Sam: "I'm sorry, but how did you manage to do that to a Swampert? As a Blaziken?!" ;
Blaziken: "I mean, it helps when you've got the equivalent of a 30-level advantage on Outlaw scum like them."
Scyther: "Uh... yeah, I'm pretty sure we can skip the trial for these three."
Gallade: "Don't you mean for 'these two'? Since I'm pretty sure that Pidgey's in low earth orbit right now."
Well, somebody's lacking a survival instinct there. Lemme pull out the appropriate gif for this moment:
Sam: "I sure hope my leg didn't get broken from getting thrown around earlier, otherwise. Uh... this is gonna smart later."
Whelp the gif was indeed accurate, even if I was wrong about who would make it accurate. Though I see Sam can fight to an extent in his present state.
Blaziken: "A little warning would've been nice there!" >v>;
Sam: "Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm barely lucid right now, so let me have my moment, okay?" >_>;
Sam's going to keel over right after this, isn't he?
Sam: "I have no idea how I did that, b-but I actually attacked for once!" ^^;
Yeah, figured that'd happen.
- Meanwhile back in the clearing -
Scyther: -pokes at Sam - "Hey, kid? You alright there?"
Gallade: "Dude, he's splattered in blood and passed out. What do you think?" >_>;
Blaziken: "Well he's definitely going to give a nurse a handful. But hey, you did good, kid. Rest up a bit until the next chapter."
Alright, onto the final thoughts:
You see, I knew that you were going for a fakeout opening with how much of a contrast there was between the prologue and the seemingly by-the-numbers Chapters 1 + 2. Boy did you deliver on that front, even if it came a lot sooner than I was expecting. While I probably should've known better from the posted rating, I did get caught a little off-guard by some of the stuff brought up, but I think that it leans in well with the overall dynamic you built up between the Prologue up to this point, since it very firmly establishes that even if this is the world of the games, that we're not in Kansas anymore. I thought that the handling of Sam's characterization was also a pretty strong point, since we get to have a decent handle on just who he is as a person by the end of this fourth chapter.
As for critiques, it's mostly what it says on the tin for the writeup, including the little odds-and-ends wording tweaks that I won't dwell on since you mentioned you were already hunting those down. For general weaknesses, I thought you had more room to show off description, especially for the stuff going on in Sam's head, since there were a number of bits where I kinda figured things were going a certain way for him, but it was mostly conjecture since the text didn't formally support it. I kinda thought that the arrival of Blaziken and his team ought to have been foreshadowed a bit more. Like every protagonist is entitled to a couple lucky breaks that potentially get into Deus Ex Machina territory, especially early on in a story where it can be tied into the premise that "things are happening because of strokes of fate", but in general more foreshadowing for such moments when possible reduces the amount of people who will have their suspension of disbelief broken.
I kinda think that Chapters 2+3 could have easily been taped together in one update, and it'd have allowed for avoiding the "one fully standalone chapter of 'wait, why's this feel like a normal story'" dynamic of Chapter 2, but eh. I'll respect your choices as an author.
Though altogether, I thought that this batch of chapters was pretty good @StolenMadWolf . And I'm pretty sure this is the part of the story where we get a better view of what on earth to properly expect from things going forward. From where we've gone in the span of 5 chapters total, I can tell that this story is going to go places, and probably pretty quickly.
But that'll be a journey for another day. One that I'll be looking forward to getting to when things are a bit less crazy, since hey. You know how to write a good hook. ^^;
Already sent it through on Discord, but thanks for sending through that feedback! I appreciate it! The chapters were initially quite short because I started writing GoB very casually, so the length does start going up as I started getting more committed to it.