MATURE: some of its hearts

[kintsugi]

{foreword}

So some time ago I wrote some non-fiction and mentioned it to Pav, and this mess came out of it. Bear with me and this large author's note; the publishing of this story comes with some warnings and a good deal of trepidation.

I should learn better opening phrases, but whatever. I've actually written the entire thing, and it's fairly short (around thirty thousand words, although I predict a bit more with editing), but I'm publishing it in bite-sized pieces more as an artistic choice. To my knowledge, chapters less than five hundred words are to be evaluated for quality based on a case-by-case basis; as a forewarning, a lot of these chapters are going to be below that cut-off. However, since I have the entire story written out, updates should be pretty quick.

As a heads up, this story is "Mature" (graphic depictions of violence, blood and gore, bountiful cursing, complex themes), so readers beware. In short, if you haven't heard the word "fuck" before, well... you have now. Also, you probably aren't old enough to read this.

As a general warning to everyone else, this story says screw science and features tons of A Wizard Did It Logic (TM), so if that's not your schtick in sci-fi, I'm sorry.

some rise by sin will update as normal (for the previously-stated reason that I've actually completed this story and there's no "omg let's write whoops did we just spend twelve hours on tv tropes again" syndrome). To reiterate, that means basically never, but I like to be optimistic with myself and my deadlines.

The first chapter is hilariously short and serves as a teaser/incredibly vague introduction. The next three or four are not and do not. And then it all goes crazy from there.

Enjoy.

---

{table of contents}

{winter, 436}
{spring, 436}
{summer, 436}
{autumn, 436}
{winter, year 437}
{spring, year 437}

​

---

 

[kintsugi]

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons

 

[Beth Pavell]

Re: {some of its hearts} {winter, 436}

El, are you sure it was me you mentioned this to? My memory's a bit fuzzy. Anyway, not up to your usual standards as far as the elegance of the prose is concerned. It feels kind of like a piece written as a breather, which isn't a bad thing if that's what it is. The text is far too small though - I'm having to lean in rather a lot to read it

 

[Akari]

Re: {some of its hearts} {winter, 436}

I liked it! I agree it doesn't seem as majestic and flowing as your other work, but that is probably just due to the brievity of it, which is obviously on purpose. Your writing is awesome so I'm a fan

 

[kintsugi]

Re: {some of its hearts} {winter, 436}

Spoiler

El, are you sure it was me you mentioned this to? My memory's a bit fuzzy. Anyway, not up to your usual standards as far as the elegance of the prose is concerned. It feels kind of like a piece written as a breather, which isn't a bad thing if that's what it is. The text is far too small though - I'm having to lean in rather a lot to read it

HA IT'S NEAR THE BOTTOM I HAD TO ACTUALLY LOOK BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE HOW DELIRIOUS THE STOMACH BUG DRUGS WERE MAKING ME BUT I'M NOT CRAZY PHEW

Fixed the font sizes; it also has the added bonus of making it look like I wrote a ton more than I did! As for your and Akari's comments regarding less-elegant prose, I was trying to write from the perspective of a seven year-old girl whose best friends are, in order, dead, a dog (who is dead), her mother, and a water heater. She, uh, doesn't exactly enjoy making sense very often. xD

I'll tone down the bad construction when I can, though.

I liked it! I agree it doesn't seem as majestic and flowing as your other work, but that is probably just due to the brievity of it, which is obviously on purpose. Your writing is awesome so I'm a fan

Seriously you people have no idea how happy reviews of any sort make me thank you so much <3

---

{spring, year 436}​

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons

 

[Flaze]

Re: {some of its hearts} {spring, 436}

It is true that your prose this time is different, and I like that. Much like with shantih I can tell that you are able to change the way you write depending on the story you're trying to get across and that's really good. This fic is definetily something that tugs at the heart strings I can tell you that much, the last chapter was really sad now that Scar is on her own.

If you are planning to continue this then I'm curious as to what the Half-Hearts are, I'm stuck between aliens or robots or something, either way there's a lot about the world Scar lives in that intrigues me.

 

[Legacy]

Re: {some of its hearts} {spring, 436}

Loved it. The difference in writing style is clearly intentional and I love that you are versatile as a writer. It's personal and intimate. Great stuff, as usual.

 

[kintsugi]

Re: {some of its hearts} {spring, 436}

Spoiler

It is true that your prose this time is different, and I like that. Much like with shantih I can tell that you are able to change the way you write depending on the story you're trying to get across and that's really good. This fic is definetily something that tugs at the heart strings I can tell you that much, the last chapter was really sad now that Scar is on her own.

If you are planning to continue this then I'm curious as to what the Half-Hearts are, I'm stuck between aliens or robots or something, either way there's a lot about the world Scar lives in that intrigues me.

ALL IN GOOD TIME, BUDDY-O.
ALL IN GOOD TIME.
*cackles*

Loved it. The difference in writing style is clearly intentional and I love that you are versatile as a writer. It's personal and intimate. Great stuff, as usual.

Yeee, thanks. ^^

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons

 

[Flaze]

Re: {some of its hearts} {autumn, 436}

This chapter was short and yet it was also pretty good. Scar now knows a little bit more about the horrible world that she lives in, and she also knows that things aren't going to be easy at all. I don't have much to say to be honest, the chapters don't have enough content to really make out anything which could be my only piece of criticism. I can understand these are meant to be short snippets of Scar's live but a bit more content would be good.

 

[Vivillon]

Re: {some of its hearts} {autumn, 436}

Dark and ominous, and yet entertaining all the same. I love how you put it in the viewpoint of a 7 year-old; teens and young adults seem to be the mainstream these days, and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I've always enjoyed more mature stories of younger children, and this is a great example. Scar adds a young and innocent viewpoint to an otherwise scarred (pun partially intended) and dangerous world. I'm looking forward to learning more about the half-hearts and their motives. They seem to enjoy killing; if they did it just to get rid of people, they'd kill the young too. Since they don't, one can only assume that they leave them to repopulate, allowing the hunting game to last much longer. Great story, and I can't wait to see the next installation.

 

[kintsugi]

Re: {some of its hearts} {autumn, 436}

Spoiler

This chapter was short and yet it was also pretty good. Scar now knows a little bit more about the horrible world that she lives in, and she also knows that things aren't going to be easy at all. I don't have much to say to be honest, the chapters don't have enough content to really make out anything which could be my only piece of criticism. I can understand these are meant to be short snippets of Scar's live but a bit more content would be good.

Yeah, I'm legitimately struggling with the pacing at this point. I don't know how to revise now that I'm four submissions (I'd hardly call them chapters, haha) in, but I'm working on making each thing longer. Each submission is centered on a single theme, bascially, and a lot of my explorations of those themes take less time/space than others.

tl;dr: I hear you loud and clear, cap'n.

Dark and ominous, and yet entertaining all the same. I love how you put it in the viewpoint of a 7 year-old; teens and young adults seem to be the mainstream these days, and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I've always enjoyed more mature stories of younger children, and this is a great example. Scar adds a young and innocent viewpoint to an otherwise scarred (pun partially intended) and dangerous world. I'm looking forward to learning more about the half-hearts and their motives. They seem to enjoy killing; if they did it just to get rid of people, they'd kill the young too. Since they don't, one can only assume that they leave them to repopulate, allowing the hunting game to last much longer. Great story, and I can't wait to see the next installation.

Scar's been really fun to write in, tbh. Not my usual tone, and it's been a bit of a struggle keeping it here (also she's aging a year every four chapters thanks to this setup; no spoilers but we'll never quite reach the teen/YA stage). In other news, trust me; half-hearts are going to get lots and lots of screentime. <
^geddit
half-heart
heart <3
half-heart <
no okay bye

Anyway, folks, with the Awards/post-Awards frenzy mostly cleared up, we can finally move on with the show!

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons

 

[Beth Pavell]

Here from the Review Game:

Technical Accuracy/Style
It's hardly worth mentioning that for you, the technical accuracy is spot on. A good use of a different style - having seen your other works, I think it's fair to say that the fairy-tale tone of the narration is deliberate, and it works. Simple sentence structures married to complex ideas - it's a favourite of mine and it's very easy on the eye. I like how you've chosen not to keep layering on exposition about your world. I kind of find that off-putting when I see it, like the author is trying to show off

Story
For imagination, there's nothing to fault here. A new, ambiguous world that nevertheless makes a lot of sense despite the vagueness of the details. Skipping over lengths of time to follow Scar works well with the relatively short chapters. The problem is that we're looking at 30,000 words of this and I'm wondering what the point of the story is. We're following Scar, sure, but is it a character piece? Action drama? Mystery? Horror? At the moment you're just describing events, which would be fine for a one-short or short linked piece, but as a larger narrative you need a stronger plot in there.

Another problem I've noticed is that you're making blink-and-you'll-miss-it comments that you're not really following up on. Scar apparently knows when anyone will die and talks to inanimate objects (Well, listens). But neither of these things have any presence outside of off-hand comments, which is a little irritating given that we're primarily reading world-building through the eyes of Scar.

As a final comment, you have a habit of getting carried away when it comes to injuries. A broken neck seems to result in a lot of blood here! The impact will come from the harsh reality of it - that means very real injuries, even if they're not dramatic. In fact the sheer mundanity of ways that people can die can work for you

Characters
It's hard to say here. Scar's a bit of a living Darwin's Theory at the moment. All we see of her is surviving, really. The internal consistency of the character is fine, her narrative voice just peachy, but at the moment I can't see how her story is much different to, say, a newly-hatched sea turtle. Surviving alone isn't enough of a hook and this story really needs some hooks now

Final Thoughts
As prose, there's plenty to praise here. You've always had a great grasp of how to use English and stylistically I think you surpass me right now. "Getting carried away" is how I'd characterise the flaws here. Your style and world-building and premise are all good fun, but you need to be wary about how you spin them out into a longer story.

 

[Flaze]

I did a big review for some rise by sin but right now I feel to lazy to do one here xD so I'll just use my usual review format this time around to make my life easier.

This chapter...was interesting. On the one note we got to see the Half-Hearts in a bigger light than before and it did give Scar some developtment. But on the other hand I still feel like I don't exactly know where this story will go. So far it's just been Scar going around on her own and while this chapter had a bit more meat to it it still didn't do much to sort of further the story as a whole. That and I think we need more regular characters besides Scar, it'd be good to see how she acts around other humans that aren't a bunch of scum.

Other than that there's not really much to say, well there's the fact that your prose changed a bit since now Scar is more street smart than before and seems to have grown at least mentally.

 

[AetherX]

As per usual, I read this a while ago and didn't say anything. Or maybe my reviews get trapped in a time vortex. Who knows? spoooky

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what to think about this. It's certainly interesting. I'm not usually a huge fan of the post-apocalyptic setting (I prefer the post-post-apocalyptic like Fallout: New Vegas, or even better: Numenera), but this isn't too bad. It's quite original and has reminded me that I'm less tired of the post-apocalyptic setting and more tired of nukes and zombies. Robots and psychic powers? Bring it on! Plot-wise, though, I'm still waiting for something to happen. It feels like you've structured this fic so that each entry represents some lesson that Scar learns. Sure I suppose her mother dies and that's a big plot point, but besides that not a lot has happened. I find myself wondering what the purpose of the story is. Is it just a series of lessons learned in a world ruled by killer robots? Or is there a greater plot at work? If there is, it has yet to really rear its head. You've hinted at some really big things like the fact that Scar knows when people die and can listen to metal, but they haven't really done anything yet. I can forgive glossing over those things so far since it only makes sense given your current narrative voice. I look forward to a proper story starting soon, though.

Scar is a good character. It's not often that you see a believable youngster (most seem to act much older than they are), and she isn't annoying as hell, which is a character trait that unfortunately often tends to accompany child characters.

Your writing is as spectacular as ever, and I really can't find much fault in it technically or stylistically.

Keep up the good work. Don't let this die!

Review Extravaganza 25/50

 

[kintsugi]

hiiiiii

Spoiler

Here from the Review Game:

Technical Accuracy/Style
It's hardly worth mentioning that for you, the technical accuracy is spot on. A good use of a different style - having seen your other works, I think it's fair to say that the fairy-tale tone of the narration is deliberate, and it works. Simple sentence structures married to complex ideas - it's a favourite of mine and it's very easy on the eye. I like how you've chosen not to keep layering on exposition about your world. I kind of find that off-putting when I see it, like the author is trying to show off

Story
For imagination, there's nothing to fault here. A new, ambiguous world that nevertheless makes a lot of sense despite the vagueness of the details. Skipping over lengths of time to follow Scar works well with the relatively short chapters. The problem is that we're looking at 30,000 words of this and I'm wondering what the point of the story is. We're following Scar, sure, but is it a character piece? Action drama? Mystery? Horror? At the moment you're just describing events, which would be fine for a one-short or short linked piece, but as a larger narrative you need a stronger plot in there.

Another problem I've noticed is that you're making blink-and-you'll-miss-it comments that you're not really following up on. Scar apparently knows when anyone will die and talks to inanimate objects (Well, listens). But neither of these things have any presence outside of off-hand comments, which is a little irritating given that we're primarily reading world-building through the eyes of Scar.

As a final comment, you have a habit of getting carried away when it comes to injuries. A broken neck seems to result in a lot of blood here! The impact will come from the harsh reality of it - that means very real injuries, even if they're not dramatic. In fact the sheer mundanity of ways that people can die can work for you

Characters
It's hard to say here. Scar's a bit of a living Darwin's Theory at the moment. All we see of her is surviving, really. The internal consistency of the character is fine, her narrative voice just peachy, but at the moment I can't see how her story is much different to, say, a newly-hatched sea turtle. Surviving alone isn't enough of a hook and this story really needs some hooks now

Final Thoughts
As prose, there's plenty to praise here. You've always had a great grasp of how to use English and stylistically I think you surpass me right now. "Getting carried away" is how I'd characterise the flaws here. Your style and world-building and premise are all good fun, but you need to be wary about how you spin them out into a longer story.

The one thing I'll say to defend myself is regarding the bloody neck thing--my justification there was that my seven year-old lead has only a fraction of an idea of what a broken neck looks like, but it's more of a cover-up because she doesn't exactly want to process what really is happening to her mother, which is basically as brutal as all of the blood would entail. I tried to paint the dissonance clearly, but I'm still new to this quasi-unreliable narrator stuff, and, well... heh. My bad. I'll try to rephrase that.

Comments regarding lack of plot below, because that seems to be a popular thing haha oops

I did a big review for some rise by sin but right now I feel to lazy to do one here xD so I'll just use my usual review format this time around to make my life easier.

This chapter...was interesting. On the one note we got to see the Half-Hearts in a bigger light than before and it did give Scar some developtment. But on the other hand I still feel like I don't exactly know where this story will go. So far it's just been Scar going around on her own and while this chapter had a bit more meat to it it still didn't do much to sort of further the story as a whole. That and I think we need more regular characters besides Scar, it'd be good to see how she acts around other humans that aren't a bunch of scum.

Other than that there's not really much to say, well there's the fact that your prose changed a bit since now Scar is more street smart than before and seems to have grown at least mentally.

As per usual, I read this a while ago and didn't say anything. Or maybe my reviews get trapped in a time vortex. Who knows? spoooky

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what to think about this. It's certainly interesting. I'm not usually a huge fan of the post-apocalyptic setting (I prefer the post-post-apocalyptic like Fallout: New Vegas, or even better: Numenera), but this isn't too bad. It's quite original and has reminded me that I'm less tired of the post-apocalyptic setting and more tired of nukes and zombies. Robots and psychic powers? Bring it on! Plot-wise, though, I'm still waiting for something to happen. It feels like you've structured this fic so that each entry represents some lesson that Scar learns. Sure I suppose her mother dies and that's a big plot point, but besides that not a lot has happened. I find myself wondering what the purpose of the story is. Is it just a series of lessons learned in a world ruled by killer robots? Or is there a greater plot at work? If there is, it has yet to really rear its head. You've hinted at some really big things like the fact that Scar knows when people die and can listen to metal, but they haven't really done anything yet. I can forgive glossing over those things so far since it only makes sense given your current narrative voice. I look forward to a proper story starting soon, though.

Scar is a good character. It's not often that you see a believable youngster (most seem to act much older than they are), and she isn't annoying as hell, which is a character trait that unfortunately often tends to accompany child characters.

Your writing is as spectacular as ever, and I really can't find much fault in it technically or stylistically.

Keep up the good work. Don't let this die!

Review Extravaganza 25/50

And then, regarding the lack of plot, which seems to be a recurring issue:

...as for the rest of the lack-of-plot, yeah, I agree entirely. I'm trying to balance my worldbuilding/character-introducing/really-blatant-in-hindsight hint dropping with actual happening, but it's coming... slowly...

...this seems to be a recurring problem with my stuff, though, especially based on a lot of feedback from SRBS. I'll try to handle it better in the future; however, since this is basically all written, I can kind of point to the chapter when shit happens and now I'll edit it so that point comes sooner, hurray!

tl;dr: you guys rock, and thanks for the feedback!


oh and right I have a chapter too haha

...shit kind of starts hitting the fan at this point and doesn't stop until the end, so, uh, stuff

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons

 

[Beth Pavell]

It's hard to review this in a way that's not simply repeating myself. I suppose my main concern is that all the answers will come as one flood at the end, and you, El, are better than that. I'm sort of wondering whether this chapter has something to do with the half-hearts - not least because how could that clinic survive unless the half-hearts wanted it to? Regardless, lessons learned, I think. This style would probably work better with a world the readership are already at least passingly familiar with - less questions to ask and mor space to focus on the story of one small person

 

[Vivillon]

An interesting chapter, I think. Scar is finally starting to make her own decisions, regardless of what she thinks her mother wants. The clinic is giving me this sinking feeling, though. I feel as if it's run by half-hearts, and they want to eventually build themselves human bodies to disguise themselves in, one piece at a time. This may just be my overactive imagination; I guess we'll just have to see.

 

[Flaze]

So this chapter was a little bit different from the others in that Scarlet actually interacted with people through semi-normal means. I'm still really curious as to what kind of world these characters live with but at least we learned a bit more about how people manage to try and survive here, it's kind of sad to think that Scarlett has to deal with all that at her age though.

I'm sorry if this review isn't really long or informatigve, tbh it's taken me like a week to get around to writing it cause I didn't have a computer to write it in and at this point I forgot everything I wanted to say xD

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards feedback!!!

Firstly, I will say that I liked this story: it was the right level of intriguing mysteries and great style to make me want to come back for more and see what happens next. The main penalty here that prevented me from supporting this for Best Story was largely the length. It is really early on in the story, but unlike some rise by sin, not a great deal has really happened.

Each chapter felt more like a one shot developing Scar and her personality, revealing a different aspect of both her and the world around her. With srbs (sorry to compare, but it is a bit unavoidable), there are at least hints of a wider storyline and what will happen next. Hearts has me intrigued, but the lack of any idea of what will come in the next chapter leaves things a bit empty at the moment.

The setting is also a bit vague in terms of what it looks like. You do a great job of conveying the atmosphere of the world, but I can’t really picture the wider city Scar is in, I have had to take the small clues and build it myself. It would be nice to get a definitive vision of what the city looks like.

Style and grammar wise, there is little to fault here. No typos leapt out at me, and your brilliant creative vision works wonders here again, making everything a pleasure to read as you excellently convey every emotion.

Since Scar is really the only character, I will focus on her. Firstly, it is refreshing to have a child lead, it makes a difference from the other stories I read on the site. She is not pretentious or precocious like most child leads, and you do a fantastic job of painting all of her emotions. The one shot style works best with crafting her character, and she is probably one of the most defined main characters I have ever seen this early in the story. My main recommendation for her would be perhaps to make her a more captivating lead and to develop her more outside of her own thoughts, and that would probably come from having her interact with other people more. Solely having her chain of thoughts does not make for the most captivating story, and I do not think you would be able to keep it going for much longer in a way that makes the audience want to keep reading.

I intend to keep reading this story as much as I can, and I hope to see things pick up over the next chapters. It is an excellent read but just one that needs some more elements to it to better compliment your brilliant style.

 

[kintsugi]

I actually had this update prepared for a while, pinky promise, but I didn't want to post right before the awards came up because that felt a little scummy. Also, hi. Working on the pacing kinks still.

temporarily pulling this for formatting/reasons