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Stranger Danger: A new Pokemon adventure!

T

Toushiro

Arm boy
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Thought I'd try my hand at writing. Creative Critiscm please!
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Chapter 1: A new quest! Unexpected Trip!


"Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"! Jason hated his alarm clock. He hated his bed, and he hated how he had the smallest bed room in the house. The boy crawled out of his bed and slumped onto his feet. He walked down the stairs silently. Although Jason was almost 14, he still didn't have his first Pokemon. Jason had been forbidden to go on an adventure, yet his 11-year old brother Phil had already won two gym badges. "God I hate Sinnoh" He thought to himself as his mother served him his Pancakes. "Good morning Honey"! Said Mrs. Night in her usual upbeat tone. "Yeah, Yeah, Good morning" Said the sullen teenager. His mother had thought him too frail to go on an adventure, little did she know that all the time he spent "Studying", he was playing football or roughhousing with his best friends. As Jason walked out the door, hating the Sand that gave Sandgem town it's name, he noticed the van streaking down the road. "Is that the kid"? said the frantic driver. "I think so, just grab him"! Jason was grabbed by the shoulders and pulled into the van. "What the hell"?! said Jason in anger and confusion. He recieved his answer in the form of a punch to the face.

Uncountable hours later......

"Ugh, what the frack was that about"? Jason was lying in the middle of the road, he had no idea where he was, with a note saying "Sorry about kidnapping you, we thought you were your brother- Team Wire. Then he saw the sign. "Pallet Town, shades of your journey begin". "Wait, no, it can't be, is this Kanto"? A white haired man in a lab coat appeared before him. "Welcome to Pallet Town Young man. I am Professor Oak". The two talked for about an hour, Jason explaining what had happened, and how he was mistakenly kidnapped. "And that's basically what happened". Said Jason. "I see, well then young man, you need to get back home to your family! Unfortunately, I cannot travel with you, I'll just have to trust you to travel on your own, now, show me your Pokemon". Said Oak. "Well, you see, I don't have any" Said an embarrased Jason. "Hmmmm, I'll just have to lend you one then"! Said Oak. "Really"?! Said Jason as his eyes lit up. "Yes, but go straight home, okay Jason"? Said Oak suspicious 0f Jason's exitement. "Yes Sir"! Said Jason. "Now, Which Pokemon will you take"? Said Oak inquisitively.
"Hmm, Phil took Chimchar as his starter, so if I'm going to catch up to him, I'll have to take a water type" Jason thought to himself. "I'll take Squirtle"!!! Said Jason, more alive than ever before. "Okay", said Oak as Jason picked up Squirtle and headed out of the door. "Wait, remember to take the vermillion ferry back to Sinnoh on Friday"! "Okay Prof."! Yelled Jason already leaving Pallet. When Oak was Out of sight, Jason jumped up and down with joy! "Hehe, sorry Proffesor, I've got my own adventure to lead"! Thought Jason as he sprinted out of view.

Next time: Journey to Viridian City, An unexpected alliance!
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Comments?
 
Blackjack Palazzo said:
You need to learn how to use paragraphs. In your whole fic, you really only have two of them, and there needs to be a new one each time a different person talks.
Click to expand...

Oh yeah, that's a little problem of mine, what did you think of the storyline?
 
Ok, My shot at chapter 2....
=======================


In retrospect, he really should have asked Oak for a Bike. Jason leaned on a nearby tree in the middle of the clearing of Route 1. Panting, he had been hiking for two hours and he suddenly had a newfound respect for his brother's determination.


He felt his belt. On it were six Pokeballs, one of which contained his new Squirtle. Clicking the Ball's button, the ball expanded and released the Anxious Pokemon.

Before Jason stood his first Pokemon. "Umm, hey I'm Jason". He said Timidly.


"Squirtle"! Said the enthusiastic Pokemon. Immediately, Jason felt a surge of relief knowing that they would get along fine.

They would be heading towards Viridian City, a metropolis where they could rest. Unfortunately, for now they would not rest.

Flying quickly and Narrowly missing Jason's head, a Pidgey landed on the ground near Squirtle.

"Kurookoo" said the Bird Pokemon boldly.

"Heh, perfect, my first capture, no problem"! Thought Jason.

"Squirtle, use bubble"!

The blue turtle spewed bubbles towards the Pidgey.

The Pidgey gracefully avoided them and pecked at Squirtle's face.

"Squirtle"! shrieked the Pokemon in Pain.

Squirtle turned and tackled the Pidgey, sending it to the ground. Squirtle used bubble once more and blew Pidgey into a tree trunk.

"I've had enough"! Jason tore one of the Pokeballs from his belt.

Hurling the ball through the air, the Pidgey was engulfed in red.

The ball shook...

It shook some more....

"Bing". The ball clicked shut.

"Yeah! I caught a Pidgey"! Jason was filled with Pride.

"Squirtle"! Squirtle was still rubbing the spot where Pidgey had pecked it.

Squirtle shot a mean look at Jason and kept on walking.

"Sorry buddy, I'll make it up to you later, honest". Said Jason, sounding sorry and morose.

Squirtle, somewhat cheered up, was brought back into it's ball.

Once Squirtle was out of earshot Jason began cheering again.

He had made his first Capture and he would be in Viridian in a few hours.

Little did he know that certain "concerned" parties were watching his every step with malevolent intent.
=================================

So, did I do good?
 
Too many spaces! This is the other extreme. Only start a new setence when a new idea is expressed.

Example:
Squirtle"! Said the enthusiastic Pokemon. Immediately, Jason felt a surge of relief knowing that they would get along fine.

They would be heading towards Viridian City, a metropolis where they could rest. Unfortunately, for now they would not rest.

Flying quickly and Narrowly missing Jason's head, a Pidgey landed on the ground near Squirtle.

"Kurookoo" said the Bird Pokemon boldly.

"Heh, perfect, my first capture, no problem"! Thought Jason.

This should be:


"Squirtle"! Said the enthusiastic Pokemon. Immediately, Jason felt a surge of relief knowing that they would get along fine. They would be heading towards Viridian City, a metropolis where they could rest. Unfortunately, for now they would not rest.

Flying quickly and Narrowly missing Jason's head, a Pidgey landed on the ground near Squirtle. "Kurookoo" said the Bird Pokemon boldly.

"Heh, perfect, my first capture, no problem"! Thought Jason.
"Squirtle, use bubble!" The blue turtle spewed bubbles towards the Pidgey. However, the Pidgey gracefully avoided them and pecked at Squirtle's face.

I guess I didn't do a very good part to show an example, but you get the point. You need to connect the setences first of all, so there isn't a new paragraph every one or two setences. Also, connect the sentences ONLY if there isn't a new person speaking.
 
Alright. I'm having some trouble with the paragraphs, but a new Chapter should be up by tomorrow.
 
Please note: The thread is from 17 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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