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- Sep 19, 2009
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- #21
I’ve had a pretty rough week. One of my roommates, who’s one of my oldest and closest friends, and the other guys in our little group had a falling out and I’ve basically lost him. That’s two major people I’ve lost from my life in not very much time. It fucking sucks.
Music has been… frustrating. It takes so much out of me to even listen to music these days because I hyper-analyze it and constantly compare it to my own. Oftentimes when I hear a song that I can’t mentally reverse engineer I feel completely inadequate. Ideas have been coming into my head more which is a lot more than I could say pre-facility but getting them down has been a struggle to say the least. I feel the most fulfilled when creating music and having that work to be proud of but getting in the zone has been difficult, and even when I do, I’m just not firing on all cylinders the way I used to. I really want to start my solo project and express myself in all the ways I need to but sitting down on my laptop or a guitar or anything and not having my ideas come out exactly as I hear them pretty much ruins my day. I got in the zone for like an hour and a half on sunday so I guess that’s a small victory. But my life is sorely lacking the creativity I so desperately crave and it hurts, I feel so empty and purposeless without it. I really wish there was a cut-and-dry method to get back into it that actually worked for me but all the advice I’ve seen out there doesn’t seem to be exactly geared toward depressed neurodivergents.
Also I’m mad at myself for not aggressively pursuing continued mental healthcare the way that I need to be. I haven’t contacted my therapist, and I have two appointments on the docket next week but sometimes it feels like I’ve blunted all the momentum I had when I left the facility. Yet, I don’t have the energy to do much other than play Legends and watch TV, and even then that’s challenging, particularly on days like this one.
Maintaining relationships of any kind has also been extremely overwhelming and I often feel borderline violated when I try to let someone in, and I have far less capacity these days for spending extended time with people than I used to (and even back then did I really?).
Rejoining the world just seems like something I can’t do right now. I hope that feeling changes. Rant over I guess.
Music has been… frustrating. It takes so much out of me to even listen to music these days because I hyper-analyze it and constantly compare it to my own. Oftentimes when I hear a song that I can’t mentally reverse engineer I feel completely inadequate. Ideas have been coming into my head more which is a lot more than I could say pre-facility but getting them down has been a struggle to say the least. I feel the most fulfilled when creating music and having that work to be proud of but getting in the zone has been difficult, and even when I do, I’m just not firing on all cylinders the way I used to. I really want to start my solo project and express myself in all the ways I need to but sitting down on my laptop or a guitar or anything and not having my ideas come out exactly as I hear them pretty much ruins my day. I got in the zone for like an hour and a half on sunday so I guess that’s a small victory. But my life is sorely lacking the creativity I so desperately crave and it hurts, I feel so empty and purposeless without it. I really wish there was a cut-and-dry method to get back into it that actually worked for me but all the advice I’ve seen out there doesn’t seem to be exactly geared toward depressed neurodivergents.
Also I’m mad at myself for not aggressively pursuing continued mental healthcare the way that I need to be. I haven’t contacted my therapist, and I have two appointments on the docket next week but sometimes it feels like I’ve blunted all the momentum I had when I left the facility. Yet, I don’t have the energy to do much other than play Legends and watch TV, and even then that’s challenging, particularly on days like this one.
Maintaining relationships of any kind has also been extremely overwhelming and I often feel borderline violated when I try to let someone in, and I have far less capacity these days for spending extended time with people than I used to (and even back then did I really?).
Rejoining the world just seems like something I can’t do right now. I hope that feeling changes. Rant over I guess.