TEEN: The Creations

[Derpghost]

(These stories I rated Teen for some minor gore and swearing. If there's anything else I should've mentioned, please tell me.)
Index:
1. The Doctor
2. The Snipe
3. The Scarecrow
4. The Virus

 

[Derpghost]

The Doctor​

[The following is a transcript of Recon Team 56-3 in investigation of reports of missing researchers and an anomalous specimen believed to be related to the so-called 'Creations' project. HQ was in contact via audio, video was unusable due to pre-mission equipment malfunctions.]
=BEGIN TRANSCRIPT=
[Team is assembled outside of warehouse where researchers went missing.]
HQ: Commencing rolecall. Are all team members present?
RAT: Present.
GOLD: Present.
TRAP: Present.
KEG: Present.
HQ: Everyone is accounted for. You may continue.
RAT: Alright, we are entering the building.
HQ: Please describe your surroundings.
RAT: It's a old, damaged hallway. Power seems to be off or disabled. No signs of any struggle or strange activity.
GOLD: Aw man, this place reeks.
TRAP: Says you. How long has it been since you took a shower?
RAT: Focus, you two.
GOLD: Yeah, yeah.
KEG: Hey, found something. Claw marks of some sort, along the wall. Way too wide and deep to be human.
TRAP: Damn. What the hell could've made those?
GOLD: Isn't that what those squints we're looking for reported? Some kind of monster?
RAT: Whatever it is, we're here for those researchers, not some boogeyman. Come on.
[10 minutes pass, passed over for brevity.]
TRAP: Oh, crap.
RAT: What is it?
TRAP: Blood trail into this room off to the left.
KEG: That's not good.
HQ: Please investigate.
KEG: But of course.
RAT: Entering room now. Appears to be... shit.
TRAP: It's the researchers. All dead.
HQ: Cause of death?
RAT: It, uh, appears to be... Mummification of some sort? They're all dry and shriveled, skin gray.
KEG: But that's not possible. It's only been days since they've been missing and these are nowhere near the right conditions for that. Plus, there's still blood everywhere.
TRAP: And claw marks that seem to match from earlier all over the bodies, and neck trauma of some sort.
RAT: Lord.
HQ: Researchers found. You may return to HQ.
KEG: Oh, thank god. This place is creepy.
RAT: Wait, where's Gold?
TRAP: I don't know. I thought he was with you.
RAT: We can't go without him.
HQ: Please leave the premises.
[Scream heard in distance]
RAT: Oh, shit.
TRAP: That's him! Come on!
HQ: Leave the premises. Now.
KEG: We aren't leaving him to die to whatever this thing is.
HQ: ...Search for teammate 'Gold' authorized. You may continue.
RAT: Thank god.
[A minute passes]
KEG: Oh crap, what the hell is that?
RAT: Whatever the hell it is shoot it!
[Gunfire, screeching noise and crashing]
TRAP: Oh my god, Gold!
RAT: That thing just... holy shit.
HQ: Describe entity?
RAT: Tall, at least 7 feet, wearing long black cloak, seemed to be hovering off ground. Inhumanly long arms, very wide hands and long claws that all looked to flipping be made out of nothing but bone. Seemed to be wearing some sort of mask. also bone, that resembles one of those plague doctor things, long and birdlike.
HQ: Status of teammate?
TRAP: Gold is dead. Armour and tissue on chest sliced to goddamn ribbons.
HQ: Mission reaching high hazard levels and teammate found. Recommended course of action is leaving.
KEG: No shit.
RAT: Come on, we need to leave or that thing's gonna get us too.
TRAP: Jesus. Poor Gold.
[Several minutes pass]
RAT: Alright, not that far now.
KEG: You think that thing knows where we are?
TRAP: It was a floating plague doctor with superhuman strength. I wouldn't be surprised.
RAT: Don't think about it, just move.
[Minutes pass]
[Screeching noise similar to earlier]
TRAP: OH SHIT!
[Gunfire]
KEG: Help! HELP!
RAT: The damn thing's got him! Kill it!
TRAP: What the hell is it doing?!
KEG: (Sobbing) It's not a mask, IT'S NOT A MASK!
[More gunfire and screaming]
[Audio cuts out for approximately 10 minutes]
...
...
...
...
[Audio comes back on]
RAT: HQ, you there? HQ? Aw, shit.
[Speaker appears to have been damaged at this point, but mike still working.]
RAT: Well, if you can hear me, Keg and Trap are dead. The thing pinned Keg against the wall and that goddamn beak opened and some black cloud came out of Keg's mouth and into it's. He seemed to age instantly, turning into one of those mummies from earlier. He dropped to the floor dead. Then it turned on Trap, and I don't even know what happened, because I ran when her screams started. I goddamn ran like a coward as that thing ripped her apart. They're all dead. And I don't even know where I am anymore. I lost the way 5 minutes ago. That thing's gonna find me and it's going to kill me. Probably deserve it for running like that, for not getting to Gold fast enough.
*sigh*
I don't have anything left to say, I guess. No family or friends. So, I'm gonna ask you one last thing, HQ, if you can even hear me.

RAT: Kill this fucking thing.
=END OF TRANSMISSION=

 

[Derpghost]

The Snipe​

[The following is a record of journal entries found at the recovery scene of C-2, a cabin in the forest near the town of Salem.. The cabin’s interior had sustained heavy damage, and there was no trace of the journal author.]

[earlier journal entries deleted for brevity]

Entry1: I’ve always known the stories in this town. Weird holes, disappearing pets, even a missing child. Now that I’ve been a idiot and got myself stuck out here for a week with no car or contact to civilization on a dare, those tall tales seem a lot more believable. Damn forest is scary as hell at night. Lot of food here at the cabin at least, so I won’t starve to death. Would serve my stupid friends right if I did, though.


Entry2: Day two of this stupid cabin. Some raccoon or whatever got into the trash can last night. Made a hell of a racket and mess, but was gone when I stumbled outside with a shovel. Little bastard. Now I’m tired as hell because I couldn’t get back to sleep. Wish this place got reception.


Entry3: Fuckin’ racoon again. He somehow got into the kitchen, through the window, I think. Trashed the place, and somehow was gone again before I got there. Looks like I have to lock everything tonight or else I have to clean up the damn place for the third time.


Entry4: OKAY, WHAT THE HELL. Little shit got in through the chimney this time and tracked ash and crap everywhere before raiding my fridge again. How the fuck does a racoon scale a sheer 15 feet up to the roof? Pawprints are everywhere, too, the floor, the walls, the goddamn ceiling. Did he bring his whole damn neighborhood? Christ. Got a plan for him this tonight, though, an old hunter trick. Put a shiny thing in a hole, and make it so you can’t pull your hand back out holding it. Raccoons are stubborn, greedy little suckers and will never let go. Gonna get this furry bastard.


Entry5: Oh god. Oh god oh god. That wasn’t a racoon. Whatever the hell it was, it’s not a racoon. I woke up to this absolutely unholy shrieking noise, like someone had scraped a rusty nail along metal. Grabbed the shovel and ran out there ready to beat the shit out of this raccoon. Then I opened the door and the thing was washed in the light of the house.

It had a fat bulbous body, like a spider, covered in these thick sparse hairs. A long, long, thin snout, longer than its body, with cartoonishly jagged teeth in a wicked permanent grin, that twisted and squirmed and moved like it was a living thing in itself. A long rat tail trailed out behind it. And the arms, it had tons of them, they extended and twisted and bent and melded back into it’s body and formed again. It looked at me, with that eyeless face, screamed again, and tore away into the brush with a ripping noise, leaving the trapped arm still in the hole. The arm’s in a box in the living room, still holding that spoon. Fuck. I need to get out of here. It’s gonna come back. I know it.


[the following entry appeared to be hastily scribbled and mostly unreadable]

SHIT IT’S BAC WO ’T STop SHRIe ING

ARMS SO MAnY Ar


FUCK

IT KE Ps YElLING SNIPE SNIPE SNIPE SNIPE

 

[kintsugi]

Hey! I remember reading the first entry back when it came out, but I'm a butt who forgot to comment. Loving the SCP-style.

The Doctor

[Team is assembled outside of warehouse where researchers went missing.]

I feel like for script format, this is almost cheating -- typically, stage directions are used for describing "what's", or things that can be experienced visually. By telling us the plot significance of the warehouse, you end up undercutting the relevance.

RAT: Present.
GOLD: Present.
TRAP: Present.
KEG: Present.
HQ: Everyone is accounted for. You may continue.

Plus, you're already pretty effective at conveying important details using only dialogue. You in theory could've written this out as "all four team members are in the warehouse where the researchers went missing", but you didn't have to. I find the end result here is more immersive.

KEG: But that's not possible. It's only been days since they've been missing and these are nowhere near the right conditions for that.

This is kind of weird, though. Some of the other interactions (such as Rat describing the entity without hesitating or sounding afraid, Trap casually referencing it as a goddamn floating plague doctor) indicate that this isn't an unprepared team/they're definitely going in expecting some supernatural stuff. Keg feels like the rookie of the squad, so it could make sense that he's the least in-the-know for this, but no one else seems to correct him about it? Idk. In a piece this short, this line felt inconsistent.

it's

"it's" is the contraction for "it is", while "its" is the pronoun indicating "belonging to it". You want the latter.

But wow, that ending! I think this is just the right length story for the payoff you had; it was creepy and then it escalated and then it was over. I like the monster concept; I've always thought plague doctor monsters have been really neat since SCP-049, but I do like the creative direction you took with this. It'd be nice to see a bit more behind the monster's origins (and why is callled the CREATION who created it i'm scaaaaared), but I think the dramatic/tension of this piece worked out really well in your favor.

One last note -- I'd almost cut the last section as irrelevant. The ending of "IT'S NOT A MASK" is really effective and terrifying already, and would've been a powerful closing bit. Additionally, I don't think that the last section really added much new to warrant taking away from the previous bit.

Still, this was a really disturbing (in a good way) and fun chapter!

The Snipe

omg are we going snipe hunting

Put a shiny thing in a hole, and make it so you can’t pull your hand back out holding it.

is this a where the red fern grows thing tell me this is a reference to my butchered childhood

[earlier journal entries deleted for brevity]

Smol thing, but starting on entry 1 becomes a little misleading then. Also, you have two entry 4's, haha.

Anyway. I like the style of this chapter! Like the first one, you do a really good job of building up suspense and then quickly escalating it. The monster design here is pretty creative, and I like how you're taking small pivots away from familiar tropes/creatures to make something original here; it adds to the horror factor a lot.

SNIPE SNIPE SNIPE SNIPE

Digging this anthology so far. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Derpghost]

The Scarecrow​

[Witness Interview No.3 on the reports of what is believed to be C-3, with NYC Officer Tim Brandon. Interviewer is Dr. James Spirit.]

=Begin Transcript=

S: Could you please tell me what happened on this case? From the beginning?

B: Uh, alright, well… It started with a typical loud party complaint in a seedy neighborhood,you know? Flashing lights, loud sounds, people moving in and out of the place. Typical stuff. Me and my two partners, Doug and Rodney, were basically just supposed to get there, send some kids home and confiscate some drugs. But, we get at the address, and we find this little shack by the waterside. Place is completely empty. No trash, lights on, nothing. We do a sweep of the house anyway, see if there’s any contraband still there. And then… ugh… god…

S: Do you want to continue later?

B:...No, no, I’m fine. We found a room, in the back. It had the… thing. Whatever the fuck it was. Was in the center of the room, surrounded by the only other stuff in the house, a couple of candles and some green paint on the floor.

S: Could you please describe the structure?

B: Right, right. Tall, very tall, a good 8 feet. Was a crude human shape. The thing was, it was made up of a whole bunch of random shit straight out of a scrapyard. Rusty blades, driftwood, pieces of glass. You could get tetanus from just looking at the thing. The more you looked at it the worse it got. Bones, a sawblade, pieces of dolls, a entire fucking dog skeleton curled up in the torso area. And the face, Jesus Christ…

B: It looked like someone had taken a mannequin head and carefully painted a beautiful woman’s features on the face, so incredibly detailed, and then took a sledgehammer to it and haphazardly put it back together with some wires, leaving it fragmented and jumbled. The entire time I was in that room it felt like that twisted, wrong face was staring at me with those closed eyes.

S: What happened to your partner?

B: ...Christ, yeah, so I had stepped out of the room to get away from that damn face and to call in some forensics folks to try and see if they could find any explanation for this thing. Rodney was off seeing if there was anything in the rest of the house, probably wanted to get away from that fuckin’ face too. Doug, though, he was checking out the thing, and no one else was in there with him. Two minutes and I hear him scream. I run in there, find him on the floor in a puddle of blood with a abdomen wound, screaming something about it moving. We drag him outside, and I swear I saw blood splattered on the thing as we moved him out of the room. Doug died in the ambulance. We came back a couple hours later.
The room was empty.
=End Transcript=

​

 

[kintsugi]

the scarecrow

Dunno where this fits in the review, but I'm honestly really impressed that you keep getting new formats for each of these sections. I figured that the radio transcript/diary checked off most of the horror genre checkboxes, but the interview transcript here makes perfect sense too, and still lets you build suspense the way you've been doing it.

The description of this monster is pretty jarring -- looking back on it, we honestly don't have that much to go off of, but what you give us is genuinely disturbing. My favorite detail was the dog skeleton curled up in the abdomen -- it's the word "curled" that gets me, because it implies a sort of gentleness which is totally not okay with THIS GIANT MOVING PIECE OF KILLER FURNITURE. Juxtapositions like that do a really good job of building suspense/unease in a condensed timeframe, which is pretty key given that each of these entries are really short and to the point.

The last line might be more effective if you spaced it out a little more -- that the room was empty is probably the big reveal here, because GIANT KILLER FURNITURE WHAAAAAAT, but it kind of gets mushed in to the last paragraph when I'm reading it -- we as readers are looking for confirmation that this thing killed Doug, since that's the only thing that fits all the puzzle pieces you've given us thus far, and then that confirmation is just presented to us at the very end.

Small complaints! I liked this entry too; these are really tightly-paced, deliciously-sized bites of urban horror and I love the creative spin you're taking on each of these monsters. Would be refreshing to see one that doesn't just want to inexplicably murder humans, but the ones you've presented so far have all been uniquely defined in how they inexplicably murder humans that they all still feel unique.

 

[Derpghost]

The Virus​

The following is a transcript of chatroom [redacted] and its user’s interaction with what is believed to be C-4.

=BEGIN TRANSCRIPT=

Thebestever: @everyone any of you nerds here

kitkat: well now I am asshole

Shrekoski: dammit best what the fuck it’s the middle of the night

thebestever: why the hell are you up in the middle of the night

Shrekoski: fuck you

brickbrock: best seriously dude don’t ping everybody like that you gonna get muted

thebestever: yeah alright sorry don’t shoot me brick

kitkat: well i’m on now ig you guys got anything to talk about

Shrekoski: pfft as if anything happens in my life

Thebestever: you got pinged that’s something

Shrekoski: shut up best

Brickbrock: shut up best

Brickbrock: hah jinx where’s my coke shrek

----Crash joined the server! Hide the bananas! (-_-)----

Kitkat: oh hey welcome

Brickbrock: ah yes a newcomer to our hell

Crash: HHHEY THERE MEATSACKS

Crash: IT SURE IS GONNA BE HELL FOR YOU IMBECILES SOON ENOUGH

Shrekoski: oh great it’s some edgy kid lol

Thebestever: lookit this guy it’s even all caps

Kitkat: guys don’t be rude

Crash: YEAH YEAH LAUGH IT UP GREG

Shrekoski: what the fuck how did you know my name

Crash: I KNOW A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT YOU, MEATHEAD

Brickbrock: dude i’m gonna have to ask you to stop with the threats and caps

Kitkat: this escalated quickly

Crash: WHATCHA GOT, BRICKY BOY?

Brickbrock: yup that’s a mute

----Crash was muted by brickbrock!---

Shrekoski: how the fuck did he know my name seriously

Kitkat: hacker maybe, should we ban

Crash: I DUNNO, SHOULD YOU?

Thebestever: what the fuck he’s muted def a hacker

Brickbrock: banhammer buddy

---Crash was banned by brickbrock! You’ll regret that.---

Kitkat: what the fuck is with that message

---Crash joined the server! You’re fucked now!---

Crash: GONNA HAVE TO TRY BETTER THAN THAT, BRICKY BOY

Shrekoski: ok what the fuck

Kitkat: fuck this guy

Crash: HEY! WANNA KNOW WHERE CANDYBAR THERE LIVES?

Kitkat: you don’t know shit

Crash: LET’S SEE. NORTH AMERICA…

Kitkat: you wanna prize for that?

Thebestever: it’s a us server of fuckin course she lives there

Crash: STATE OF OHIO! OOH, POTATO FARMER, HUH?

Kitkat: wait what how the hell did you get that

Shrekoski: dude stop

Crash: ARKON, NIIICE. OR IT WOULD BE NICE IF I CARED.

Kitkat: brick do something please

Brickbrock: i’m trying nothing’s fuckin working

Crash: OH WOW, RIGHT NEXT TO THE DENNY’S! LUCKY!

Kitkat: holy shit please stop i’m so fucking scared

Thebestever: that’s it i’m out

Thebestever: what the fuck i can’t close or change the tab

Crash: GOLLY GEE GOSH AIN’T THAT A SHAME

Shrekoski: shit i cant either

Crash: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU’RE SO DANG STUPID I’LL HELP YOU OUT HERE.

Brickbrock: What the fuck I can hear his voice

Kitkat: im so fucking scared what’s happening

Crash: I’M SOMETHING YOU IMBECILES CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND. I WAS STUCK FOR SO0000O LONG AND NOW I’M FREE, FINALLY FREE, TO BRING HELL TO YOU LITTLE INSECTS ON YOUR LITTLE DIRTWAD.

Thebestever: fuck fuck fuck everythig in the house is turning on that fucking claptrap voice it’s everywhere

---Shrekoski has died.---

Crash: SEE YA!

Brickbrock: WHAT THE FUCK THERES SOMEONE HERE WHERES MY PARENTS

Kitkat: what the fuck please god stop

---thebestever has died---

Crash: MORE LIKE THEWORSTEVER, AMIRIGHT? LOLOLOLOL

---brickbrock has died---

Kitkat: fuck shit please fuck

Crash: HEY! YOU!

Kitkat: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Crash: BREAK ME A PIECE OF THAT KITKAT BAAAAAAR!

---Kitkat has died.---

Crash: LOL THEY’RE ALL DEAD! YAY!

Crash: ANYWAY, HAVE FUN CLEANING UP MY MESS. JANITORS, COLLECTORS, FOUNDATION, WHATEVER YOU CALL YOURSELF NOW. LONG TIME NO SEE! WE’VE GOT SOMETHING BIG PLANNED FOR YOU!

---Crash left the chat. See you soon! _(- -)_ ---

=end transcript=

All involved people were found dead via hired 'Dark web' hitmen.

 

[kintsugi]

yo maybe this is because of how directly this panders to the hours I spent in trash-tier Discord servers, but this was my favorite entry yet! The formatting here really lends itself to a more suspenseful pacing -- all of the lines are spread out, so each new speaker has to contribute a little to the increasingly-desperate situation. And you do a fantastic job of that! The atmosphere of the server gets established really effectively in the first few exchanges, and, towards the end, the increased frenzy and desperation really starts to set in.

claptrap voice

hahahaha does this actually mean that it's talking in Claptrap's voice from Borderlands or am I reading too much into this

Anyway, I think pretty much everything was on point with this entry. You nailed the length and pacing, the characters all felt really unique from one another and I like how they each had their own reactions to Crash's increasing antics (and that also got conveyed well through their typing/writing styles, which is usually hard to do, but you used the online personas really well -- compared to the characters from The Doctor, for example, I could really get a feel for each of the screennames here), and the horror/thriller suspense that you developed had the perfect escalation and payoff. The nods to the universe you're building at the end (Janitors, Collectors, Foundation, whatever you call yourselves) is really exciting from a meta level too -- looking forward to seeing how all of this continues to unfold!